There was a brief time in my life several years ago when I was floundering emotionally and spiritually and somehow let myself watch a bit of reality television. Okay I really wasn’t floundering at all, but that’s the only excuse I could think of to justify it. And there’s a chance I was a mild fan of The Surreal Life. I often marveled at Brigitte Nielsen. The woman was as bizarre as they come, especially her odd relationship with Flava Flav.

I was pretty impressed that Sylvester Stallone married a woman so much older than him. Imagine my shock when I found out Nielsen was only 41 when she filmed the show. She looked at least 65. But clearly she doesn’t see it – Nielsen has announced that she’d like to celebrate the 20th anniversary of her Playboy cover by posing again.

Sylvester Stallone’s busty ex Brigitte Nielsen wants to celebrate the 20th anniversary of her Playboy magazine cover - by baring all for the men’s magazine again.

The actress/model announced her plans during an appearance on the Billy Bush Radio Show in Los Angeles, admitting she’ll undergo cosmetic surgery to look her best for the big reveal in December. Nielsen explains she’s planning a face lift and a boob lift and reduction.

She says, “I wanna look up and say, `Oh, I like myself. I don’t like my lines… I’m gonna do the boobs; I’m gonna lift them and be a bit more discreet and then I will do Playboy. Twenty years ago, I did the cover of Playboy… I wanna do Playboy December this year. I’m gonna be 45.”

[From Starpulse]

I hope that plastic surgery is going to involve at least 30 rounds of diamond-grade microdermabrasion. Botox would be good for all the wrinkles, but that woman’s face looks like a splotchy leather glove. She is a true testament to what hard living can do to your looks. Brigitte looks like she spent the last twenty years smoking cigarettes in a tanning bed.

Here are some other famous women born in 1963. Imagine their faces, and then look below to understand my point: Vanessa Williams, Kathy Ireland, Elle Macpherson, Natasha Richardson, Phoebe Cates, Tori Amos, Lauren Holly, Nicolette Sheridan… you get the point. They don’t all look like they’re 25, but none of them look 65 either. I’m not sure plastic surgery could even make Brigitte Nielsen look her real age. Something tells me she might want to focus on other endeavors… like sobriety and visiting the dermatologist regularly.

Header of Brigitte Nielsen and Mattia Dessi at the 12th Annual Prism Awards on April 24th. Images thanks to WENN.

Plastic surgery is, for most Hollywood actresses, a career requirement as they age. So it’s interesting to hear a few opinions on the whole idea.

Jamie Lee Curtis

The 49-year-old actress has revealed she underwent surgery on her lower eyes when she was 35 after a cameraman told her she was too “puffy” for him to shoot, and she has had work done since.

But now Curtis is urging all women to grow old gracefully because it’s rare that people really do feel better about themselves after they go under the knife.

She tells Oprah Winfrey, “I did it all but, you know what, it didn’t work. The fraud is it doesn’t work; it doesn’t work because there are complications, and I got them all.

“It doesn’t work because you still look in the mirror and you see the fraud of what you were trying to do.”

San Francisco Chronicle

Sally Field

The Places In The Heart star admits her ego has started to get the better of her - and she’s not happy about looking older.

She tells Ladies Home Journal magazine, “I think about it all the time because I see friends who’ve done it and they look great and younger. I have an ego but it’s an actor’s ego more than a woman’s ego. It’s about roles.”

Contact Music

Madonna

As her 50th birthday approaches in August, Madonna says she doesn’t plan to be defined by her age.

“I’m not going to slow down, get off this ride, stay home and get fat. No way!”

She won’t talk about any surgery she may have had, saying “I’m not against plastic surgery, I’m just against discussing it.”

Fox News

Jamie Lee has an interesting opinion on this, in that she says it doesn’t work, because you know it’s a fraud. However, getting your hair colored, a facial, wearing make up and doing your nails are all a fraud too. Except, these things do tend to make women feel good.

How much of that ego boost is from the pampering aspect of a haircut (oh, two hours without my screaming kids!) and how much of it is from your improved appearance I’m not sure. You wouldn’t get the pampering effect from surgery – you’d just get a painful recovery period.

What is the definition of cosmetic surgery? Is botox surgery? Is dermabrasion? Is a facial? Does it count if you only use a local anesthetic?

I think if you are looking to improve your appearance, surgically or otherwise, you need to be realistic. A nose job will not change your life. Changing your appearance won’t make you a better person. It just makes you look better, after the swelling goes down.

And be careful, or you might wind up looking like the infamous Cat Lady, Jocelyn Wildenstein.

In case you were wondering, Sally Field is 61, Madonna and Jamie Lee are about to turn 50. I think all of them look great.

Jamie Lee Curtis is shown on 1/11/07, thanks to WENN. Sally Field is shown on 9/16/07 at the Primetime Emmy Awards and Maddona is shown on 2/6/08 at her Raising Kabbalah benefit with her daughter Lourdes on 2/6/08, thanks to PRPhotos.

Jessica Lange on 1/15/08
I don’t want to knock a woman for getting work done. I’m 35, and in about fifteen years I will be getting a face lift despite my husband’s objections. I will age semi-naturally and not get a lot of injections and touch up work, but I’m planning on surgery. It already bothers me that I have lines around my eyes and my face is looking sort of old. My mother had a face lift after her best friend did it, and her best friend is in her 70s and looks like she’s 50 without any feline characteristics. To me it is a personal decision and it’s not a personal failing if you decide to get surgery and/or botox or restylane. You shouldn’t go overboard with it and it’s a fine line between having an operation or two and looking like you’re wearing a kabuki mask.

When you’re famous and it’s obvious, though, you should either admit to it, maybe in a roundabout way or in general terms like saying you’re not ruling it out, or you should not address it. If someone asks you, you can say you don’t want to comment. Don’t deny that you’ve had plastic surgery when we can all see the evidence.

Jessica Lange’s rep has denied that the 58 year-old actress has had plastic surgery. All I could think of when I saw her face up close in Big Fish was that she looked really pulled and strange. She’s a great actress, but she’s not doing herself any favors with this fib:

Jessica Lange in “Tootsie,” 1982

The National Enquirer recently speculated, with photos and commentary from a Michigan plastic surgeon, that Jessica Lange has undergone plastic surgery that didn’t necessarily result in a change for the better.

“It’s absolutely not true,” Lange’s PR rep Carrie Gordon told me from NYC on Tuesday. “And Jessica will not comment on it because it’s not true.”

In our first conversation, before Gordon presumably contacted Lange to say I was seeking a comment, Carrie asked how I could write this after admitting that I’m a huge fan of Jessica’s work. Because I’m not blind?

The Enquirer asked Detroit-area plastic surgeon Dr. Tony Youn to analyze before and after photos of Lange and her “Bonneville” co-star Joan Allen, who has suspiciously smooth skin.

Youn gave the Enquirer precise observations about Lange’s “overly arched brows,” and unnatural Catwoman-like appearance.

But haven’t Lange’s eyes always had a cat-like quality?

“To an extent she has,” said Youn when I interviewed him. “Are her eyes a little more tilted than the average person’s? Yes. But not to the extent that we see now in her.”

[From The Star Tribune via Huffington Post]

The article goes on to talk about how hard it is to cast these very plastic-looking women in films because they can’t play average older women. They could play more affluent older women who have had plastic surgery I guess.

They quote a radio personality as saying that if you have plastic surgery at “39, you never have to get it again. You’ve matured into your face and your bone structure and skin are good.” It also matters whether you got to a good surgeon who works on giving you natural results of course. Is that true? Not that I’m asking for personal reasons or anything.

Compared to Priscilla Presley and Kathie Lee Gifford, she’s looking pretty good. Looking through older photos of Lange, I would vote for bad plastic surgeon over too many face lifts.

Everyone who’s seen Priscilla Presley in the last few years has had one question: What the hell happened to her face? Priscilla has always been a beautiful woman, but lately her face has looked frightening and plastic- much like the face of socialite infamous Jocelyn Wildenstein, better known as “The Cat Lady.” TMZ reports that Priscilla was the victim of a scam artist who claimed his injections were better than Botox, when in fact they were just low-grade silicone.

TMZ has learned Priscilla Presley is the victim of a botched cosmetic procedure. What’s worse — it was at the hands of a gigolo who was sent to prison for perpetrating an injectable scam on Hollywood’s elite

Priscilla, whose face looks … strange on “Dancing with the Stars,” went to Dr. Daniel Serrano around 2003. Serrano was a good-looking doc from Argentina who hooked into Hollywood’s social A-list and started giving them what he claimed were miracle injections that worked better than Botox.

In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what’s used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women. Several women, including Shawn King, Larry’s wife, and Diane Richie, Lionel’s wife at the time, held injection parties in their homes, with Serrano needling them with the non-FDA approved drug that he had smuggled in to the U.S. Shawn King has said the injections created a lump in her lip that made it difficult to speak and drink liquids. Serrano charged between $300 and $500 a pop.

But wait, it gets worse. Serrano wasn’t even a licensed doc in the U.S. The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women (and some men) he injected.

Serrano, who was nicknamed Dr. Jiffy Lube, was indicted by the Feds for smuggling drugs, and the conspiracy and use of unapproved drugs. He was convicted, and last week he was released and is currently being investigated by federal immigration officials and could be deported.

BTW, Diane Richie was also indicted as an accomplice. She pled out and was placed on probation.

As for Priscilla — who had no idea she was being injected with silicone — we’re told she’s undergoing corrective work.

[From TMZ]

Paralysis and holes in your face? Damn! I wish Priscilla had spoken with natural aging advocate Jamie Lee Curtis before she hired this clown to ruin her face. She was a beautiful woman and didn’t need any enhancement whatsoever, and now she looks like a sideshow freak. I’d bet if she had this to do over again, she would have been happy with her natural born face– wrinkles and all.

Note by Celebitchy: You can get a good facelift and not look like a cat person with pinched eyes. It’s just a matter of letting the surgery settle and not getting constant botox and restylane touch ups. That’s awful that Presley was injected with industrial silicone! How dreadful for her. Even though she looks freaky and is a Scientologist, I still like her. The 62-year-old is also doing great on “Dancing With The Stars.” Here are clips of Priscilla on DWTS from this week and last.

Dancing with the Stars Week 1 Priscilla Presley

Dancing with the Stars Week 2 Priscilla Presley

And here’s a link to the judge’s reaction on week 2.

She’s only 21 years old, but it’s pretty much common opinion that un-rehabbed starlet Lindsay Lohan looks less like a fresh-faced ingenue and more like a 40-something, Long Island socialite with a sex addiction and a closet drinking problem. You know, like her mom, only sluttier.

Speculation is now circulating that Blohan recently sampled her first Botox treatment, based on a video interview with ‘Entertainment Tonight,’ in which her face looks paralyzed. The injections are popular with entertainers twice Lindsay’s age, including Vanessa Williams and ‘American Idol’ judge Simon Cowell. But this is the first time I’ve heard of a 21-year-old actress indulging.

Entertainment Tonight aired an exclusive interview with Lindsay Lohan last night and there was something a little…off about her face. The normally expressive Linds did not move her forehead and eyebrows during the entire segment. We wouldn’t really put it past her to do something like inject botulism into her face, especially since there’s been a lot of talk recently about how tired she’s been looking (cocaine is a helluva drug), but you be the judge.

[From Jezebel]

I don’t think it’s Botox, personally. I think she’s on some kind of painkillers or downers, and she’s definitely been drinking. In this video clip, she looks absolutely snockered.

I would not be surprised if we see Blohan check back into rehab before Easter. Her grip on the illusion of sobriety is slipping with each day. She doesn’t even try to hide it anymore. And where is her lookalike mother while all of this is going on? Oh yeah, she’s pimping out her other daughter, the one who isn’t damaged goods yet, on a reality show. The key word in that sentence is “yet.” And dear old dad is too busy serving the lord and hanging out in strip clubs to help his cash cow - er, daughter.

Lohan is shown shopping in NY on 3/8/08.

I do love a celebrity who can poke a bit of good-humored fun at themselves, and Dolly Parton is certainly one of those. I actually didn’t realize that she was a singer when I was a child. I just kind of thought she was a woman who made appearances for comedy effect, like Coco. We didn’t listen to much country music in our house.

It seems that Dolly has had to postpone her upcoming Backwoods Barbie tour. Great name, see what I mean about her being able to poke fun at herself?

The tour–in support of DOLLY’s BACKWOODS BARBIE album, due out February 26 on Dolly Records–was set to kick off February 28 in Minneapolis, MN. DOLLY apologizes to all her fans for this inconvenience and hopes that her fans will be patient until the dates can be rescheduled for late April through May. Tickets will be honored for the new dates.

In a statement, DOLLY said: “I know I have been breaking my neck and bending over backwards trying to get my new Backwoods Barbie CD and world tour together, but I didn’t mean to hurt myself doing it! But hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems. Seriously though, the doctors said I will be good as new in a few weeks, and I can’t wait to get back out there. See you soon, Dolly.”

Dolly Parton

I’m actually really glad that Dolly is only suffering a bit of back ache, she’s 62 years old and could have something much more serious. I know that being in your sixties isn’t exactly elderly, but most people are retired by then. Dolly looks really good for 62, although she happily admits to having plastic surgery, saying “If I see something sagging, bagging and dragging, I’m going to nip it, tuck it, and suck it!” and “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”

She also admits that her breasts aren’t real anymore, but prior to her weight loss in the 1970’s they were real. Now she says ‘They’re mine, bought and paid for!”

I think I might be a fan. I always did like her versionof I Will Always Love You best. (link leads to video)

Picture note by Celebitchy: Dolly Parton is shown at the Thanksgiving Day Parade on 11/22/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

I have never thought it was possible for breasts to have a career, but it seems the pair attached to Katie Price, aka Jordan, have proved me wrong.

The breasts have had four surgeries throughout their carriers career as a glamour model, and also appeared at promotional activities for Katie’s books and fragrance.

Now the breasts’ husband Peter Andre is also trying to use the breasts for his own career advancement, giving an interview about their qualities, following their recent reduction from a size 32FF. The breasts have declined to reveal their current size although I’m sure Katie will reveal it sometime soon.

He said: “I used to think just a little more than a handful was plenty enough and I was simply into legs and bums, but Katie and her amazing boobs changed my mind, big time.

“Once I had those babies in front of my eyes I was a changed man.

“I often get asked what Katie’s breasts feel like and I can tell you that they feel amazing. And very, very real. And very heavy.”

Though, with his sensible hat on, Peter reassures himself her reduction was a positive thing.

He even tries to convince himself they were perhaps too big for her anyway.

He told Loaded: “If I were completely honest - and I totally love Katie, she’s my wife and mother to my children - but I secretly thought they might have been too big for her body at one point.

“To be honest, she wasn’t even my type. I don’t mean she wasn’t pretty, but those fake breasts and blonde hair wasn’t what I’d normally go for.

“However, a few nights alone with her and I soon knew what all the fuss was about.”

The Sun

I suspect that J. Howard Marshall felt the same way about Anna Nicole Smith.

Katie Price actually looks really good post-surgery, she’s also had a nose job, and without the breasts stealing the spotlight you can see how beautiful she is. When you have a face as pretty as that, why divert attention away from it with overly large boobs? Although, do you kind of get the impression that Peter misses them, just a little?

Peter Andre and Katie Price have recently been in Peter’s home country of Australia, filming the forth season of their reality series Katie and Peter. Like the world needed more reality TV. Peter showed his kids the places he used to visit as a child, and also went for a meal at the Greek restaurant owned and run by his three brothers, as well as going to the nightclub he owns himslef. Expect to see all that and not much else on the new series.

Keep an eye out for Katie’s old breast implants, which she plans on auctioning for charity on eBay.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Header image of Peter and the breasts in larger times was taken on 9/21/07, thanks to PR Photos.

Star Magazine has a pretty interesting before and after comparison of celebrities in an article this week titled “Before they Had Stylists,” but it could alternately be called “Before They Had Surgeons.” Take a look at Grey’s Anatomy star, the newly-married Kate Walsh, back in 1999. You can barely recognize her with that nose and hair.

Thanks to Televionista for the before pictures and PR Photos for the after pictures. Also thanks to that Star Magazine article, which featured this nearly-unrecognizable photo of Walsh.

Tara Reid has really done a number to her body. Over the last several years we’ve seen her in all states of disarray – from the breast job that left her so numb that when her boob fell out of her dress at an event and she didn’t notice - to her oddly trim-yet-ripply stomach. Tara never had the sense to hide her malformations - and let’s be honest, that’s what they were. I’m really big on being accepting of different bodies and not criticizing on here, but Tara’s body issues weren’t the result of genetics or nature, they were the result of what I can only assume were crazy scalpel-wielding drunks. No way board-certified doctors did that to her. I’m kidding, I know they did. Which is a scary thought. Tara eventually came out and admitted she’d had some very bad plastic surgery, and was doing what she could to correct it. She was honest enough about it – and how self-conscious it made her feel – that I actually did feel pretty badly for her. She got her boobs corrected and the stomach ripply things fixed about a year ago. But recent pictures of Tara reveal that she just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Though I’m unclear on what additional surgery she’s had done, it’s necessitated he placement of five bolts into her lower abdomen. They’re creepier than Michael Jackson’s fake nose tip.

Tara Reid once admitted to having liposuction in the hope of getting a perfectly toned torso, but the unfortunate results were on show for all to see after she stripped down to her bikini while on holiday in Australia. The American Pie star has a large scar around her entire waist and five screw-like pins bolted into her body. She has been also been left with a rippled and sagging stomach after the procedure.

Tara revealed last year: “I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted – I’m not going to lie – a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing.”

Tara’s breast enlargement in 2004 also had less than pleasing results, and she underwent reconstructive surgery last year. She said: “I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them. First of all, I asked for big Bs, and [the doctor] did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.”

“Guys I was dating would be like, ‘What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.’ So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Tara has mentioned the thing about guys telling her to get her boobs fixed before, and it did make me feel really badly for her. What woman can’t relate to being self-conscious about her body? And I really don’t like Tara, so if I felt badly… well her boobs were really crazy looking. But the problem is that she did get those things corrected, and then started all over again. I’m pretty sure the bolts are new – Tara has never had the sense to hide her crazy body mishaps with a one-piece like the rest of us would. I would say “Go you, accept and love your body!” but clearly it’s not about that. A normal person would feel pretty damn self-conscious about having five bolts a few inches below your navel.

I’ve skewered the Daily Mail a few times recently for the way they’ve been on the attack towards celebrities’ bodies, but frankly they’re spot-on here. It almost seems like they’ve held back. We can’t publish the photos here, but you can click this link to view them. The bolts are super creepy. A few other websites have noted that it seems like Tara has tried to dress them up or pull them off as jewelry, though that’s clearly not the case. I’d love to hear what our readers think might have gone wrong that led to the bolts. Few celebs besides Frankenstein can rock that look.

Note by Celebitchy: Those pictures are credited to X17, and it’s possible they’re Photoshopped, because who has bolts in their stomach like that? That’s got to be fake, right?

Tara Reid is shown at the Sydney Airport before her gig hosting the hooker’s ball on 12/1/07, thanks to Splash News.

Update by JayBird: Thanks to all the commentors who pointed out that those “bolt” things are body jewelry on a clear string. The Daily Mail has removed all mentions of it in their article. I think it was deceptive because they’re wedged so tightly into her skin, and the clear(ish) string they’re on could look like a faded scar. And in all fairness, I really, really wanted them to be bolts, because it would have been the weirdest thing ever. Frankenstein rocked that look and people are still talking.

Some people are just inherently classy, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll say to them, “Hey, why don’t you relax, be a little more casual, you’re getting borderline uptight with all of your sophistication. Come mingle with the commoners.” Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey is just such a lady. Not content with organizing a bake sale, Carey has decided to auction off her recently-removed 36-D implants and donate part of the money to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The rest of the funds will go towards paying her mother’s medical bills. She jumped off a four-story building in 2006, and obviously suffered major injuries. She’s had 11 surgeries since then.

So far the bidding is at $210 with 44 bids. There’s a little over eight days left. The eBay listing notes:

Have a very “Mary” Christmas and win the best stocking stuffer of all time. Mary Carey… is giving holiday shoppers an opportunity to take home what could be the seasons’ best stocking stuffer - her recently removed breast implants.

“Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state,” said Carey. “I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From eBay]

Mary is one of the participants on VH1’s upcoming “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. “ VH1 hasn’t said what addictions each of the participants is dealing with. But apparently the breast implants have to do with her sobriety… and her mother… Carey gives a rather convoluted reason that I could interpret several ways, if I wanted to sit around and try to get into her head.

“I’m actually overall very anti-plastic surgery,” Carey said. “I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it’s like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity.” Carey said the size 36-D implants were taken out two weeks ago and replaced with larger 36-DDDs and while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research. “The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, ‘You know what, I’m going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer,” Carey told Reuters in an interview. “Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state. I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From Gossip Boulevard]

Oh my. I don’t know what I can add to that. I guess it’s a good thing that maybe her heart is in the right place? Probably? Considering the whole situation with her mother, I really don’t feel like I should be making jokes. So I’m just trying to present the statements Mary has given, with as little commentary as possible. Wikipedia notes that Mary’s mother has Fetal alcohol syndrome, and IMDB says she’s also been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Mary’s father has s cerebral palsy. Her grandparents got custody of her when she was three months old and later adopted her. Eventually her mother came to live with them as well. I have no idea to what extent porn stars are honest about their pasts and what’s invented, but the general story on the internet is that Mary’s grandparents put her in dance classes, in which she excelled and performed with the Miami City Ballet when she was 12. She won several dance scholarships, and ended up at Florida State University’s dance team. Her grandparents both got sick and she started working as a stripper, and then a porn star, to support the family. Depending on its accuracy, it’s an interesting and sad story. Never thought I’d say this, but it makes me hope Mary Carey’s implants fetch a lot of money. Bid away, readers.