Sigh… so much for my belief in crack justice, and my faith in the intelligence of consumers. A few days ago, Fox News had a hilarious story about Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover, and how the issue (the December/January issue) wasn’t selling very well. The article, which I covered yesterday, seemed to be based on anecdotal information from Fox News affiliates waiting by newsstands, seeing if anyone was buying the Cracken issue. Shortly after I printed my coverage, TMZ reported that LL’s issue was “selling out all across the country” and that “newsstands in major cities like New York and Los Angeles have had to re-order the issue multiple times… Playboy is even getting re-orders from cities that usually never order more issues. Our sources say Lindsay’s appearance in the mag has also had an effect online as well … where the mag has seen a huge increase in subscription sales to their online service, iPlayboy.com.” Many people (correctly) assumed that this report was likely the crack delusions of Dina Lohan, who will shill anything for anyone if you give her a cell phone and a bottle of tequila. But now Hugh Hefner is backing up TMZ’s report, sort of:

Lindsay Lohan’s nude photo spread for Playboy is helping the men’s magazine break sales records, according to Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. CNN calls to a dozen newsstands in Los Angeles, Chicago, New York and Atlanta Sunday found just one that is sold out of the issue, and that store expected more to arrive Monday.

Lohan, 25, was reportedly paid close to $1 million to pose for the photos taken in a style reminiscent of the nude photograph of Marilyn Monroe that graced the debut issue of Playboy in 1953.

Unlike Lohan, Monroe was reportedly paid just $50 for the 1949 photo shoot that produced the image that was bought by Hefner after she became a star.

“The Lindsay Lohan January-February Double Issue is breaking sales records,” Hefner said in a message posted on his Twitter account Sunday.

A Playboy spokesman would not give sales numbers, but the official did say it was selling “very well.”

The Playboy gig was a rare moneymaking opportunity for Lohan, whose acting career has been hampered in the past two years by frequent trips to court, probation restrictions, extended drug rehab stints and several visits to jail.

Her legal woes stem from two drunken-driving convictions in 2007, a necklace theft conviction in 2011 and several probation violations.

[From CNN]

So, it was only sold out in one city, and that TMZ story probably was overblown, probably with some help from Dina. But Hef claims the issue is not a huge embarrassment for the Playboy brand, and I believe him. Which means that there are enough people out there who wanted a hard copy of LL’s Photoshopped T&A… which is just pathetic. I’m losing faith in humanity.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN, Playboy.

GO HERE to see Lindsay Lohan’s full NSFW Playboy pictorial. Just go and come back, because we have some things to discuss.

You see, I didn’t talk about Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy shoot on Friday for several reasons – first of all, the full photo shoot was leaked DAYS before Playboy wanted it released, and chances were that Playboy’s lawyers were considering lots of legal actions to get the images taken down, considering that most people wouldn‘t buy the magazine if they could see all of the firecrotchy images online – TMZ even reported that Playboy was “freaking out” because they stand to lose a lot of sales. However, it looks like Playboy has just decided that now that the leaks are already out there, they should just go with it. Hugh Hefner tweeted that LL‘s pictorial was going online early, the newsstand issues would be released earlier and that the issue “will make the perfect Christmas issue for men in your life – father, son, husband, boyfriend, whoever.”

Another reason I didn’t want to talk about it: Crackhead exhaustion. I mean, the “leaks” of the photo shoot are NOT some budget photos-of-photos crap – these are full-on quality scans of the actual magazine. Someone (cough) got their hot little crack hands on an advance of the mag, scanned the pages and released them. It’s such an obvious crackie move. She’s so obviously pleased with herself.

Now, shall we talk about the actual photo shoot? The shoot is based on the famous (infamous) Marilyn Monroe shoot with photographer Tom Kelley. In Marilyn’s shoot, she was very young and fresh-looking, lounging around on satin sheets, looking kittenish and rather adorable. The Cracken photos look like she’s been dipped in bleach and flea dip and then Photoshopped within an inch of her life. Don’t get me wrong – I was genuinely surprised that her body looks that good. Even if there is the motherlode of ‘Shop, LL’s got the basics for a bangin’ body. I was especially surprised with how pretty her boobs are, honestly.

BUT THE FACE. The face is rough. The face is trashy. The face is all kinds of terrible. Those horrible lips, that red lipstick, the lack of any real seduction or joy in her eyes. She’s just awful. Also – she didn’t show vadge. Does that matter? The shoot is just all T&A.

I also skimmed the “interview” with LL – I don’t even care enough to transcribe it. She compares herself to Marilyn, of course, and talks about how she was really mixed up when she was 18 and 19. No mention of 20-25. One quote: “I have no idea why there is this fascination with everything I do.” BECAUSE YOU’RE A CRACKHEAD MONSTER.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

As soon as Playboy gave Linnocent $50 and a pack of cigs, the Cracken dropped trou and started shooting ping-pong balls out of her scorched-earth biscuit. “Y’all got a camera? I’m giving you my best angle,” she said. Yes, the very second that Playboy shelled out the money, Linnocent was already posing nude. But there’s a problem! RESHOOTS. When I mentioned earlier today that LL was given a week’s leniency to turn herself into jail, I thought that the “work” the Cracken had to do for Playboy was just “additional” photo shoots. Nope. As it turns out, the mangy crack head’s first photo shoot was a Tran wreck, and Hugh Hefner demanded new photos. Oh, Crackie. How bad were those photos?!?

Lindsay Lohan was given a week to check into jail to continue her nude shoot for Playboy magazine, but RadarOnline.com has learned that her first set of photos weren’t up to the standards of the venerated men’s magazine.

“Lindsay was told that the Playboy executives wanted to go another direction with her shoot so they asked her to come back for a second time,” a source exclusively told RadarOnline.com.

“The first pictures of Lindsay weren’t exactly what they wanted so they have a new theme that they want to shoot,” the source said.

RadarOnline.com has learned that the new shoot will take place starting on Thursday, and the current plans are for Lindsay to be on the January cover of Hugh Hefner’s famous Playboy magazine.

“There is never a guarantee that everyone will like the photos or that they will be of high enough quality to use for the cover but Playboy wanted to make sure that Lindsay’s pictures were exactly what they wanted,” the source said.

[From Radar]

“The first pictures of Lindsay weren’t exactly what they wanted so they have a new theme that they want to shoot… how do I put this nicely? She’s covered in scabs, bruises and cigarette ash. She was hammered and high, and you can’t even see her pupils. She looked like one, giant, cancerous freckle. So we‘re trying again with a cracked-out Marilyn theme, maybe this won‘t be so frightening.”

Meanwhile, a “source” has gone to E! News to claim once again that the Cracken won’t be showing anything important (biscuit-related) in the shoot, but that the new photo shoot is going down today. Hef has apparently not decided on a theme thus far, but he did get LL a new photographer. We’ll be seeing the crack catastrophe in the January issue. Sigh…

Oh, and remember how Crackie was getting some-odd $400-500,000 for her modeling stint with Philipp Plein? Well, because of the most recent crackie court catastrophe, that contract could be “in jeopardy” according to Fox News. It’s because the judge said Linnocent can’t leave the country while she’s doing this latest round of probation. But Linnocent is still trying to find a way to crack hustle her way to Europe for some reason:

“Lindsay has contributed a great deal to Philipp brand and we can only hope that something can be worked out so that Lindsay will be able to make a couple of appearances that have already been planned in Europe,” Nathan Folks of Twisted Game, who facilitated the deal with business partner Cassandra Gava, told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column.

According to an inside source, however, Lohan was contracted to make an appearance in Dusseldorf, Germany as early as November 15 – which now looks to be in serious jeopardy.

“I don’t know how this is all going to play out,” said the source. “But if she doesn’t make the designated appearances, she is going to lose a whole bunch of money.”

Following her last court appearance, and faced with the high possibility she would be thrown back behind bars, Plein told us that he was continuing to stand by his model, and that it was her “unconventional, unpredictable” nature that got her the gig in the first place.

“Lohan’s image is consistent with many of the Philipp Plein brand values, that include unconventionality and controversy, with a rock and roll spirit. These elements, combined with Lohan’s talent, beauty and high visibility made her an ideal choice as the face of this young upcoming luxury brand,” he said.

[From Fox News]

Well, that’s good that Plein is all “I hired her exactly because she’s a crack monster.” At least we’re not hearing crap about “Oh, the Cracken does nothing for our precious brand, she must be fired!” If she’s getting fired for anything, it’s because she’s not taking her Traveling Beej Tour to Europe for a while.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’m sure you’ve probably already heard about this, but since you bitches love a Linnocent post like the Cracken loves crack, here is your forum to discuss the details of LL’s Playboy shoot. Now, a few days ago there was a report that made it seem like Linnocent wasn’t really going to expose anything for her six-figure paycheck. No boobs, no vadge, maybe not even her ass. Which was a weird report, considering Linnocent has flashed all of that (and more) just within the past year. It’s not like her vadge is some secret – we’ve all seen it. Anyway, LL has already done the Playboy photo shoot (Dina says it “went well” of course) and now details are beginning to “leak” out. Much like I’m sure there was some “leakage” at the photo shoot. Ew, I’m sorry. That was too gross. Basically, the Cracken is exposing everything and then some for her paycheck. ‘Atta girl.

Lindsay Lohan didn’t wuss out for her Playboy shoot — TMZ has learned, the actress will BARE ALL in her upcoming spread … i.e. the holy trifecta … or as one source close to Playboy put it, “boobs, ass, and vag.”

As we previously reported, Lindsay recently locked down a nearly-million-dollar deal with PB for a full pictorial — and yesterday, she finally wrapped her 4-day shoot.

Reports circulated Lindsay would pull one of those lame semi-nude fiascos — all sideboob, no fun — but sources close to Hef & co. tell us, that is NOT the case. Lindsay did insist the photos be “tastefully done,” but we’re told she’s still going the full monty.

It’s unclear when Lindsay will grace the cover — but it could be the life-giving jolt Playboy needs for a comeback.

[From TMZ]

I mean… of course. Hugh Hefner might be a doddering old codger who couldn’t find his dick with two hands and a map, but even HE knows that if you’re going to hand LL a $900,000 check, the vadge must be included. Radar also has a report about WHY the crackie decided to go “full biscuit”. Hint: she’s a crackhead mess who is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

Lindsay Lohan decided to do a Playboy photo shoot because she was extremely concerned about her financial situation and a possible jail sentence, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

The embattled actress is facing up to 18 months behind bars for a possible probation violation in her shoplifting case. LiLo’s probation violation hearing is scheduled for November 2.

“Lindsay still hasn’t signed her contract to be in the John Gotti biopic. Lindsay is extremely concerned about her finances, and she needs the money. Lindsay’s flow of income has been greatly diminished in the last year. With the possibility of being sent back to jail for over a year, she felt that now was the time to do the Playboy photo shoot,” a source close to the actress tells us.

As RadarOnline.com previously reported Lindsay arrived 20 minutes early for her court ordered community service at the Los Angeles Coroner’s Office Wednesday morning. LiLo was ordered to complete 16 hours per week at the morgue before her probation violation hearing next week. The judge handling Lindsay’s shoplifting case terminated the actresses’ probation last week after she was booted from the Downtown Women’s Center, a shelter for homeless women. DWC cut Lohan loose after she failed to appear on multiple days. Judge Stephanie Sautner had ordered Lindsay to perform more than 300 hours of community service at the Skid Row shelter as part of her probation in her shoplifting case.

Lindsay will be cleaning toilets, scrubbing floors and cleaning up after autopsies are performed.

[From Radar]

It makes sense. I mean… I’ll bash LL for anything and everything, but posing for Playboy for a massive paycheck is one of the most rational decisions she’s made in years. If Playboy is dumb enough to pay her, why not? And it shows a clear understanding on Linnocent’s part that she’s not some in-demand actress and model, that if she wants to have some money and pay her bills, she’s got to make this kind of move.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

When I’m writing endlessly about Linnocent and her insane crack shenanigans, you know I like to use “crack” as a verb, noun, adjective, and perhaps even an adverb (“she walked crackily”). Sometimes I’ll stop myself and wonder, “Gee, will people ever think I’m talking about Linnocent’s actual crack, as in her ‘vadge,’ as opposed to her all-encompassing crackhead status?” Do you ever make that mistake? Because I sometimes catch myself and think, “NO. I can’t say ‘crack’ here because it could be read in a way that is much too vulgar.” With that in mind, there’s some news about The Cracken’s crack, and I don’t care how vulgar that is. She’s posing for Playboy! And the crackhead is getting PAID too.

Lindsay Lohan is shooting nude photos for Playboy — TMZ has confirmed — and LiLo don’t strip for peanuts … the spread will earn her almost a million dollars!

Sources tell us the deal has been in the works for months, and that Lindsay balked at an initial $750K offer because she wanted … ONE MILLION dollars … to show the world what her momma gave her (apologies for the DiLo reference).

We’re told Hugh Hefner and Co. recently came back to Lindsay with an offer less than her asking price — but close enough for her to sign on the dotted line. No word yet on which issue Linds will be featured in … but it’s a good bet she’ll be on the cover.

Lindsay’s rep said, “I can neither confirm or deny at this time.” Playboy didn’t immediately respond to our email or phone call. 

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend — which means Linds was juggling her court ordered morgue duties … with getting nekkid.

Sweet, sweet multi-tasking.

[From TMZ]

Am I alone in not thinking this is some huge deal? Linnocent has already shown her firecrotch in candids, and she’s already done several half-naked photo shoots (like the Marilyn one). I’m only surprised that she hasn’t posed for Playboy before this. Plus, that million-dollar payday will certainly help with her hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, plus her legal fees, plus her drug “expenses”. Basically, she’s already blown through that $1 million before it’s even in her hot little hands.

Oh, and here’s another interesting story – Linnocent just fired her manager Lou Taylor. Taylor also managed Britney Spears, and according to TMZ’s source (Dina), “Lindsay felt Taylor (who also manages Britney Spears) didn’t have the time to manage her and Lohan wanted someone who could put more effort into her…Lindsay felt her finances (which were Taylor’s responsibility) were beginning to slip through the cracks and word was getting back to her that her balances were not being handled in a timely manner … in part because Taylor is based in Tennessee.” Linnocent’s delusional rep, Steve Honig, told TMZ that “the split was amicable”. Is anyone else surprised that LL still had a manager? That’s the most shocking part. I also like how The Cracken is basically throwing Lou Taylor under the bus, and blaming him for her cracked-out financial mess. I wonder who Linnocent’s new manager is going to be? CoughcoughMotherCrackiecough. After all, it was probably Dina’s idea to get her daughter to pose for Playboy.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Hugh Hefner is shown with the playmate of the year, Claire Sinclair, on 5/6/11

Last week Hugh Hefner’s runaway bride Crystal Harris went on Howard Stern to say that she’d never seen Hef naked, that they only had sex once and that it lasted 2 seconds. “He isn’t half as sexual as you’d think,” she added. Hef then went on Twitter to deny that was the case, tweeting in part that “The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights…. Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why.” He later wrote that he loved her but that he “realized she really didn’t love me.”

Well Crystal has apologized on Twitter without fully taking responsibility. She wrote “The Stern interview scared me, he’s harsh. I was unprepared and blurted out things I shouldn’t have said, I’m sorry.” Anyone who is surprised by Stern questioning them about their sex life is either truly clueless or lying.

Hef then defended himself on Twitter, yet again, to give more specific details of his sexual prowess. He first diplomatically responded to Crystal’s apology, writing “I don’t blame Howard. Crystal shouldn’t have been booked on the show at this sensitive time.” Then he wrote “For the record, I have sex on a weekly basis, and did throughout my 2-and-a-half years with Crystal.” He followed up with “My sex life involves more than one partner & has since the end of my marriage in 1998.” (This was probably in response to Crystal crying that she was “not the only woman in Hef’s life,” to which he previously countered that she loved.)

We didn’t need that visual, but that’s pretty much what all the other women he paid to live in his house have said over the years. Hef is slowing down, though. He used to have sex parties twice a week. In an interview with the Daily Beast earlier this year, Hef confirmed a former bunny’s account that he has unprotected sex, but claimed that it was no problem since the women were tested for STDs. “One of the ways that you resolve that problem is to have sex with people who don’t have sexually transmitted diseases.” This guy’s money and influence have allowed him to be stuck in a 70s bubble he’s built in which the women never age and he can maintain the facade of a sex god who doesn’t have to get with the times and wrap it up. It’s clear that he’s upset that anyone would call him on that illusion. It’s probably one he works hard to maintain in his own mind too.

Hugh Hefner is shown with the playmate of the year, Claire Sinclair, on 5/6/11. He’s also shown on 6/25/11 and with Crystal and Sophia Berglund on 4/28/11. Credit: WENN.com

It looks like all you have to do to go from an escort and adult film actress who does just everyone and everything on camera to the cover of Playboy is to screw a famous guy. Charlie Sheen’s “goddess” #1, Bree Olson, is featured on the August issue. Advance details of her interview have her talking up Charlie Sheen as a lover and claiming she never did anything sexual with the other goddess, Natalie Kenly, who hung around longer than Olson did but eventually ditched Charlie too. (Probably once the money started drying up.)

She may have broken up with Charlie Sheen in April, but Bree Olson insists she’s “still a goddess. I’m just not Charlie’s goddess.”

How did the 24-year-old Indiana native end up with the troubled actor, who was fired from Two and a Half Men in March? “I suppose it was my movies,” Olson, who has appeared in more than 250 adult films, tells the August issue of Playboy.

When Sheen, 45, first contacted Olson (whom he had never met), the actor invited her over to his house for a meet and greet. After hitting it off, the adult film star — along with Natalie Kenly — soon began cohabiting with Sheen in his Sherman Oaks, Calif. mansion.

“He’s intelligent, he’s charismatic, he’s superfunny,” Olson (real name: Rachel Oberlin) says of the actor. “And he’s good in bed. I mean, he’s had a lot of practice.”

Despite rumors to the contrary, Sheen was “gentle and considerate” in between the sheets, Olson says. “He’s just a rock star. He’s a powerhouse. He’s a very sensual and sexual person, and when I was with him I felt as if we became one together, because he’s just so enticing sexually.”

As for the sex she reportedly had with Kenly? “That was a lie,” Olson now says. “I didn’t really even know her. Okay, all three of us got together, I think, twice. They did their thing together, and Charlie and I did our thing together. And we had two different beds. She and I would go to whichever bed, and he would pick. You know, ‘Where am I sleeping tonight?’”

Currently single and living in Los Angeles, Olson tells Playboy she’s retiring from the adult film industry to focus on becoming a real actress. “I can do this,” she says. “I’m so winning right now.”

[From US Weekly]

Is anyone else skeeved out by the thought of Charlie Sheen making an O face with those gold teeth of his? Bree is being demure and trying to act like she didn’t have sex with the other “goddess,” and it was just straight sex with Charlie. It took me five seconds to google and find a scene where she has sex with famous porn actress Sasha Grey, so it’s not like she’s never screwed another woman. She’s also done just about everything else on camera. Maybe she’s telling the truth though and she only does sex with women for pay. (Strike that, it’s not like Charlie wasn’t paying her.)

Other mistresses of famous guys do sex tapes to make money after they gain a little notoriety, but it’s not like Olson didn’t do that to death already. Now she’s going to be a “legitimate” actress. She did get the cover of Playboy, that’s a start. Maybe Sheen will cast her on that mystery sitcom he keeps leaking to the press that’s about to happen but never materializes. That must have been her motivation to make sex with a bipolar crack-smoking lunatic sound like a harlequin romance novel.

Photo credit: WENN.com

I’m paraphrasing in that title, but you get the gist. As you’ve already heard, “24″ year-old Crystal Harris called off the wedding to 84 year-old Hugh Hefner just a few days before it was set to happen this weekend. She’d already scored the cover of Playboy as “Mrs. Hefner” and that issue was about to go to press, and as Hef recently re-tweeted, Harris’ new single dropped on iTunes the same day she dumped him. We’ve heard that Crystal has been seeing one of Dr. Phil’s sons on the side, and that story first came out three months ago, but apparently Hef had no clue as it took place after his bedtime. As Kaiser mentioned, there was news that Crystal was plotting to ditch Hef at the altar in exchange for a 1/2 million payment for an exclusive. That deal fell through and Hef was spared the additional humiliation.

Harris recently went on the Ryan Seacrest show to explain why she called the wedding off, but she just gave some vague excuses, denied that she was cheating, and put in a plug for her music.

Hugh Hefner’s runaway bride says the decision to call off Saturday’s nuptials was a big relief.

“For a while, I’d been having second thoughts about everything, so I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately,” Harris, 25, told Ryan Seacrest Wednesday morning on his KIIS-FM radio show. “It was all just happening too fast for me.”

“I just sat back and thought about it all,” she continued. “Is this what I wanted? And it wasn’t.”

Harris says the Playboy chief – although heartbroken – took the news with tact.

“There was no fight,” explains July’s Playboy cover girl, prematurely identified as “Mrs. Crystal Hefner.” “He understood, and we both agreed that it wasn’t the best idea to get married. He was doing it for me because he thought it was what I wanted.”

Harris, who says she “wanted to be true to myself,” admits, “This isn’t the lifestyle for me.”

But don’t expect Hefner, 85, to find a replacement for his ex-fiancée.

“No, no,” Harris tells Seacrest when he asks if the mogul will ever tie the knot again. “He said he was just doing this wedding for me.”

As for now, Harris says she is “not seeing someone else,” but she is staying busy.

“[I'm] working on a whole album,” she says. “I sing and I write. I’ve been writing songs and I’ve been having so much fun with it all.”

[From People]

Here’s a link to Crystal’s new song, Club Queen. (You may have to be in the US to listen, but you can also hear an excerpt on her site.) It’s not as bad as I was expecting, like it’s not Heidi Montag bad, and sounds like a lot of the other autotuned repetitive crap on the radio.

Hef has been responding to this on Twitter, and he said he heard this interview and still has no idea why Crystal dumped him. He sounds very classy about it all, and just kind of baffled. He writes “Crystal did an interview with Ryan Seacrest this morning to explain everything, but I still don’t have a clue… I didn’t see any of this coming, but I’m glad things went wrong before the marriage instead of after. Live & learn.”

Hef also Tweeted that “Recent events call for a special sticker on the July cover. Look for it on newsstands.” Then he linked to this version with a “Runaway Bride” sticker across Crystal’s privates. I hope that this sticker really exists and that they’re slapping it on all the issues. Hef also retweeted a request to put Holly Madison on the cover and mentioned that she’d been over to “wish me well” post split. Holly wouldn’t have dumped him the week before the wedding, that’s for sure.

Photos are from 6/4/11. Credit: WENN.com

Karina Smirnoff just hasn’t really been on our radar, but now that she’s joining other esteemed celebrities like Aubrey O’Day, Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag by posing for Playboy she’s registering as a far off blip. What’s next for her, a reality show on Oxygen or that WE tv network?

Smirnoff, as you may or may not know, is a dancer on Dancing with the Stars. She made some minor headlines when she was dating that royal douche Mario Lopez. Then she got a nose job that she claimed was necessary to correct a deviated septum. I would say her nose looks too small for her face now, but the difference is minor and her nose was always small like that.

So Smirnoff is on Playboy and she looks great, but she also looks like one of those ads at the back of the Frederick’s catalog. She’s like a 90s dominatrix that really won’t challenge you. She issued a statement on how sexy she feels:

Dancing with the Stars stunner Karina Smirnoff leaves little to the imagination in a sheer bodysuit on the cover of the new Playboy, and RadarOnline.com has the sexy shot for you.

“As a dancer I’ve always embraced my body,” the sexy 33-year-old told People of her 10-page pictorial. “I’m thrilled to show off my strong, toned physique in the pages of Playboy and celebrate my sexiness.”

Smirnoff, who’s engaged to portly Detroit Tigers pitcher Brad Penny, has been partnered with celebs such as The Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Billy Ray Cyrus in her time on the show.

[From Radar]

Karina could go all the way with Ralph Macchio this season. He can dance and seems like such a sweetheart so I can see him making at least the top three. She’s never placed more than second on the show, in her first season with Lopez back in 2006, but that could be a product of the partners she’s been paired with more than anything else.

Getting back to this Playboy cover, it does look hard and budget to me, but I love her boobs. They’re normal and obviously natural and we so rarely see that.

Photos via HuffPo credit: Playboy

The Daily Mail has published excerpts from a tell all memoir by former Playmate Izabella St James, who lived at the Playboy mansion starting in 2002, at the same time that the original Girls Next Door were there. I read the highlights at the Huffington Post, and was struck by how similar St. James’ account of her life at the mansion was to an earlier tell all I’d read, with Playmate Jill Ann Spaulding. I thought the Daily Mail was rehashing that story in light of Hefner’s engagement, but they’re not. Those details were given by two separate Playmates, and are backed up by some of the details in Kendra Wilkinson’s memoir about how Hef had regularly scheduled sex parties in which women would hop on and off him (without a condom) while porn played in the background.

St. James’ story is consistent with other accounts, although see may focus more on how restrictive, stifling and dirty it was at the mansion while she was there. Here are the highlights from the Huffington Post, and compare them to this account from a former Playmate. The details of Hef’s Wednesday and Friday sex sessions are very similar. James’ memoir Bunny Tales came out in 2006, so you may have heard some of this before.

On the mess the dogs made in the house:
“They weren’t house-trained and would just do their business on the bedroom carpet. Late at night, or in the early hours of the morning – if any of us visited Hef’s bedroom – we’d almost always end up standing in dog mess. Everything in the Mansion felt old and stale, and Archie the house dog would regularly relieve himself on the hallway curtains, adding a powerful whiff of urine to the general scent of decay.”

On how bad the decor and accommodations were
“Each ­bedroom had mismatched, random pieces of furniture. It was as if someone had gone to a charity shop and bought the basics for each room. Although we all did our best to decorate our rooms and make them homely, the mattresses on our beds were ­disgusting — old, worn and stained. The sheets were past their best, too.

“Eventually I persuaded Hef to pay for a new mattress and bed linen — but I had to turn in every single receipt before I was reimbursed.

“Hef also eventually permitted us to have the rooms painted and recarpeted. But for some reason he insisted on creamy, white-coloured carpets. He liked the girlfriends’ rooms to look very girly, all white carpet and pink walls. It looked great at first, but with two dogs (most of the girlfriends had pets that lived in their rooms — I had two pugs), butlers delivering food, dirty shoes and occasional spillages, the carpet was grey and stained in a matter of months.”

On the Playmates’ weekly allowance
“Every Friday morning we had to go to Hef’s room, wait while he picked up all the dog poo off the carpet – and then ask for our allowance: a thousand dollars counted out in crisp hundred-dollar bills from a safe in one of his bookcases. We all hated this process. Hef would always use the occasion to bring up anything he wasn’t happy about in the relationship. Most of the complaints were about the lack of harmony among the girlfriends – or your lack of sexual participation in the ‘parties’ he held in his bedroom.”

“If we’d been out of town for any reason and missed one of the official “going out” nights [When Hefner liked to parade his girls at nightclubs] he wouldn’t want to give us the allowance. He used it as a weapon.”

Freedom of a kind came on Wednesdays and Fridays, the official nights out, which were the prelude to the twice-weekly sex parties in Hefner’s bedroom.

On her curfew
“Strictest of all was the curfew. Everyone had to be on the Mansion grounds by 9pm every night — unless we were out with Hef at a club or a function. People honestly did not believe us when we told them we had a curfew at the wild and crazy Playboy Mansion.”

On sex with Hef
“I wanted to see if this experienced King of Sexdom knew anything the rest of us did not. But he just lay there like a dead fish. We often wondered why he did it at all. He must know deep down that it is just a show. But he is trying to live out this fantasy he has been selling to people since 1954.”

[From The Daily Mail via The Huffington Post]

So for $52,000 cash a year, presumably tax free, free rent, free chef-prepared food and free plastic surgery on their birthdays, these live-in Playmates had to be home at 9pm every night, go out with Hefner twice a week and have unprotected sex with him twice a week. Their living conditions weren’t the cleanest because they had little dogs that they didn’t clean up after. They dealt with older furniture and the residue from countless tramps accumulated over decades. I remember watching “Girls Next Door” and thinking that the mansion looked small, cramped and old so this isn’t surprising.

Is Hef giving up his lifestyle with a house full of kept completely inappropriately younger women (the twins were just 19 when they took up with him last year) now that he’s engaged to a woman 60 years his junior? I doubt it.

People has a photo of Hef’s fiance Crystal Harris’ ring and it’s not huge or anything. He probably saved the money over a few weeks from paring down the women he paid to stay in his house.