Press the pause button on your (porn) DVDs – Jenna Jameson has announced her retirement! Again.

Porn queen Jenna Jameson shocked an auditorium full of porno stars and adult entertainment executives at the AVN Awards in Vegas on Saturday night when she unexpectedly announced that she was retiring from showbiz.

“Honesty is key,” she said. “I will never ever ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever!”

Jameson’s announcement was met with some boos from the audience.

The porn star presented the crossover award to Stormy Daniels, who shared: “Well I plan on spreading my legs for this industry for quite some time.”

Monsters and Critics

Her parents must be so proud. Who knew that when they waved their little girl off to school that she would one day be taking over from Jenna Jameson as the Queen of Porn? Actually, I was surprised to read how successful Jenna actually is within the industry.

Jenna started out in pornographic film after failing to meet the height requirement to be a Vegas showgirl, following in her mother’s footsteps. Her mother died before she was 2-years-old.

Jenna then worked as a nude model and stripper, before briefly entering rehab for cocaine, LSD and crystal meth addiction when she was 20, just after making her first film. A year later in 1994 she had breast and chin implants, which increased her popularity with adult film makers.

It wasn’t until Jenna released her autobiography in 2004 that she achieved mainstream success, appearing regularly on television (on Family Guy, WWE, and her own reality series) as well as having her own company, selling DVDs, video games and sex toys. She sold the company to Playboy in 2006.

Jenna, although bisexual, has been married twice to men within the porn industry. She attempted to get pregnant during her second marriage using IVF, but miscarried shortly after being diagnosed with skin cancer. She said she would be leaving adult entertainment when she had a baby, before announcing her retirement in August 2007, the same time that she had her breast implants removed.

So, is Jenna Jameson retiring because she is pregnant, or just because no one wants to see her hoo hoo anymore? Isn’t there a market for middle-aged pornstars? Jenna apparently had a vaginioplasty last year, which I guess is one of the first places a porn star might get plastic surgery to maintain her appearance.

Jenna will continue running her company ClubJenna. Additional information from Wikipedia.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz are shown at the opening of CatHouse Restaurant and Lounge at the Luxor Hotel on 12/29/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

It seems the Fresh Prince’s Alfonso Ribeiro has led quite the un-Carlton Banks-like lifestyle since leaving Will Smith’s side 11 years ago. Sure he did a good little spin on “Dancing with the Stars,” a nice, family-oriented wholesome show. But it turns out Carlton (I can’t call him Alfonso so we’re sticking with Carlton) is quite the club-hopping, hoochie-dating former c-list star. (I don’t have an actual breakdown of how the list works, so I averaged that Carlton was somewhere between a b and d list star, and definitely isn’t on any list right now, so he’s a former c-list star). Carlton is often videotaped and featured on TMZ’s website going in and out of clubs, most notably L.A. hot spots Hyde and Les Deux. Which also means that Hyde and Les Deux are a lot less selective than we thought. Either that or they’re letting Carlton in on the novelty factor. Or forcing him to do “The Carlton” – that awesome snapping dance he’d do to Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual.”

Apparently his snappy dance moves have also snagged him quite the babe. Not willing to settle for a regular old aspiring model or a former Playboy playmate, Carlton has hooked up with a porn star. You know Uncle Phil would not be cool with that, and would probably threaten to cut him off from the inheritance.

Shocker! Former “Fresh Prince” dancing dweeb Alfonso Ribeiro is hanging out with the classiest of ladies, Ashlynn Brooke. Never heard of her? You might if you select your DVDs from the Adult section. She’s a porn star! But she’s soooo much more. This is what she says about herself on her official website:

“Hey y’all! Welcome to my official Web site! My name is Ashlynn Brooke and I’m 22 years old. I’m a very sensual and sexual girl, and I love sharing my pleasure with everyone. Come join me where I will show you all of my wild adventures, naughty fantasies and sexual escapades. xo, Ashlynn”

Lucky for Ribeiro, “everyone” includes him.

[From TMZ.com]

This is one of the super-creepier relationships I’ve seen in a while. Ashlynn looks like she’s 15. And apparently talks (or at least types) like a really bad Craigslist ad. I know you want to further your career, but is Carlton really the way to go about that? Wouldn’t it be better to just bang some porn-industry bigwig? Twenty bucks says he does the Carlton dance after sex. Or maybe to get sex. Either way, I’m disgusted.

Picture note by Jaybird: Header of Ashlynn Brooke at the Freaky Friday Porn Party at Sugar in Hollywood on June 22nd. You can see more recent (and naked) photos of her on her website, but it’s NSFW. Images thanks to WENN. Here’s Alfonso Ribeiro on the red carpet at Jet Nightclub in Vegas on May 11th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Some people are just inherently classy, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll say to them, “Hey, why don’t you relax, be a little more casual, you’re getting borderline uptight with all of your sophistication. Come mingle with the commoners.” Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey is just such a lady. Not content with organizing a bake sale, Carey has decided to auction off her recently-removed 36-D implants and donate part of the money to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The rest of the funds will go towards paying her mother’s medical bills. She jumped off a four-story building in 2006, and obviously suffered major injuries. She’s had 11 surgeries since then.

So far the bidding is at $210 with 44 bids. There’s a little over eight days left. The eBay listing notes:

Have a very “Mary” Christmas and win the best stocking stuffer of all time. Mary Carey… is giving holiday shoppers an opportunity to take home what could be the seasons’ best stocking stuffer – her recently removed breast implants.

“Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state,” said Carey. “I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From eBay]

Mary is one of the participants on VH1’s upcoming “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. “ VH1 hasn’t said what addictions each of the participants is dealing with. But apparently the breast implants have to do with her sobriety… and her mother… Carey gives a rather convoluted reason that I could interpret several ways, if I wanted to sit around and try to get into her head.

“I’m actually overall very anti-plastic surgery,” Carey said. “I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it’s like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity.” Carey said the size 36-D implants were taken out two weeks ago and replaced with larger 36-DDDs and while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research. “The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, ‘You know what, I’m going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer,” Carey told Reuters in an interview. “Now that I’m sober, I wanted a new physical state to go along with my new mental state. I thought the auction would be a great way to spread some holiday cheer and to make sure someone out there has a Mary Mary Christmas.”

[From Gossip Boulevard]

Oh my. I don’t know what I can add to that. I guess it’s a good thing that maybe her heart is in the right place? Probably? Considering the whole situation with her mother, I really don’t feel like I should be making jokes. So I’m just trying to present the statements Mary has given, with as little commentary as possible. Wikipedia notes that Mary’s mother has Fetal alcohol syndrome, and IMDB says she’s also been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Mary’s father has s cerebral palsy. Her grandparents got custody of her when she was three months old and later adopted her. Eventually her mother came to live with them as well. I have no idea to what extent porn stars are honest about their pasts and what’s invented, but the general story on the internet is that Mary’s grandparents put her in dance classes, in which she excelled and performed with the Miami City Ballet when she was 12. She won several dance scholarships, and ended up at Florida State University’s dance team. Her grandparents both got sick and she started working as a stripper, and then a porn star, to support the family. Depending on its accuracy, it’s an interesting and sad story. Never thought I’d say this, but it makes me hope Mary Carey’s implants fetch a lot of money. Bid away, readers.

Porn Queen Jenna Jameson had her gigantic breast implants removed, and looks a lot less scary. I’m not going to say she looks good, because that would imply that weighing 74 pounds looks good. But it looks better than weighing 74 pounds with 20 pound implants strapped on. Jameson had the implants removed to mark her retirement from the porn industry. While most businesses mark your retirement with a gold watch, removing your implants seems like a pretty sensible porn equivalent. The only thing that would complete the cycle would be if she then sold them on eBay. No word on that though. Jenna says that she now is a lot more comfortable with her body, and no longer feels self-conscious about the implants. Apparently before, she was – gasp! – shy at the beach! She also was a modest granny, and often wore high-necked clothes when she wasn’t partaking in porn-related activities. Jameson gave the lowdown to US Weekly.

On how removing the implants changed her:
“Even for women with naturally large boobs, getting a reduction is so freeing. I feel like I can stand up straighter…before, when I jogged, I had to hold my boobs. I looked like I was molesting myself!”

On how she felt postsurgery:
“Ecstatic. The first thing I did when I got home was open my bra. I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I was so happy, I cried. It was like looking into the mirror when I was 17.”

On whether she’s done with porn forever:
“Yes. A hundred percent.”

On who will play her in a movie about her life:
“I would love Scarlett Johansson to play me. I think Rachel McAdams is amazing, and Sienna Miller.”

On celebrating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Tito:
“I had my surgery while he was in Iraq on a USO tour. He was so excited: ‘I’m coming home to brand new boobies.’”

[From US Weekly]

I love the actresses she wants to play her. Two out of three are very elegant and pretty, and it makes sense that someone would like them, but they’re waaaaay above Jenna Jameson. Sienna Miller would probably be good though. And she’s not about much of anyone. While Jameson is done with porn forever, she will continue to run her porn-related business ventures, like her $30 million-a-year ClubJenna empire. She’ll also be working on her comic book and a clothing line. I’m guessing that clothing line will be filled with high-necked garments, since that’s what Jameson prefers.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Jenna at the Annual “Night of 100 Stars” Oscar Gala in February. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Christo Komarnitski, Bulgaria, caglecartoons.com

The little girl’s toy (maker) is suing the big boy’s toy.

Toy maker Mattel went to court today to declare that the name of its clean-cut Barbie dolls does not belong on a model’s pornographic website.

In a lawsuit filed in US District Court in Manhattan, Mattel said the website for an adult entertainer named China Barbie has tried to benefit from Mattel’s success with the 48-year-old line of dolls, which includes Barbie’s sister, Skipper, her best friend, Midge, and Skipper’s boyfriend, Kevin.

China Barbie’s site says she’s a 34D-22-33 (all natural!) “cordial young lady” who sat behind the desks of some of the world’s leading investment banking firms and advertising agencies in New York before getting into porn. It says her filmography includes Me Luv You Long Time, Ethnic Cheerleaders 8 and Passport to Paradise.

Sydney Morning Herald

I think the Barbie doll has videos with the same names. Probably not the cheerleader one.

Barbie has been taken off the shelves this week following the lead paint issue with toys made in China (although I’m unsure if she was on the list of recalls), and has for years been getting her butt kicked by the tougher Bratz Dolls. Feminists don’t like Barbie because of her unrealistic proportions. I never liked Barbie, much preferring to just drive around her Ferrari. My boy cousins played with Barbie, although taking off her clothes might not be tachnically called ‘playing’. Now, they’d probably be bigger fans of China Barbie, and I prefer a bigger Ferrari. Poor Barbie could probably never drive the Ferrari anyway, in part because of her deformed feet, and because she was just a doll.

Note by Celebitchy: In December, 2003 an artist who used Barbie dolls in his work successfully defended himself against a five year lawsuit from Mattel. The lawsuit was dismissed and Mattel was ordered to pay the artist’s $2 million in legal fees. One of the artist Tom Forsythe’s works from a series called Food Chain Barbie is below, thanks to Boing Boing.

Mattel also sued over that stupid “Barbie Girl” song that is now unfortunately stuck in my head. The suit was dismissed and went all the way to the Supreme Court on appeal in 2003, where the dismissal was upheld. Barbies are part of popular culture and Mattel is only looking like a bully by suing artists and musicians for daring to use her name. It’s fair game for porn stars, too. Suck it Mattel and be grateful for the publicity.

Art by Tom Forsythe

It turns out that what stuffy old America really needs, according to X-Play/LFP Video, is a “Brady Bunch” porn spoof. Titled “Not the Bradys XXX” (and thank goodness for those three Xs at the end, or I might have mistaken it and shown it to children) the movie is “definitely expected to be the biggest selling feature title the Larry Flynt empire has seen in over 5 years and early pre-orders have been coming in even though the company has not yet offered the hardcore parody to buyers,” according to Oh No They Didn’t. Lest you fear the movie will focus on sex, please be assured that it will be entirely plot-driven.

Faced with financial difficulties at home due to slow business at his architectural firm, Mike and his wife Carol reluctantly tell the kids that the entire household will be on a budget for the next few months until business picks back up and the cash crisis ends. The kids get together and decide to help out by taking on odd jobs, holding car washes and pitching in wherever they can to help save the family house from bank foreclosure.

Wild fun and mayhem ensue especially when Marcia unwittingly applies for a job as a ‘figure model’ and finds out she’s about to star in a porn movie.”

[From the Porn Valley News]

More importantly, “Not the Bradys XXX” is going to stay true to its roots. “Not the Bradys XXX is directed by Will Ryder and since the movie is a hilarious parody, fans of the TV show will be extra-pleased with the accurate re-creation right down to the backyard grass and the campy music. ‘We all grew up watching the TV show, so it was really important to nail every detail in a completely humorous and sexy way,’ stated Scott David of X-Play who co-produced the movie with Jeff Mullen,” via the Porn Valley News. Now I’m just young enough that I only watched the Brady Bunch in reruns everyday at noon, so maybe my memory is a little shaky, or maybe there were adult elements I didn’t pick up on. But I’m pretty sure they didn’t capture details in a humorous and sexy way on the original show. I remember one episode where Alice took off her apron, but I don’t remember anyone ogling her or making suggestive remarks about it. Must have been because I was 5, you know how innocent you are at that age.

Really, who doesn’t want to see Alice and a grown-up Bobby knocking boots? I’m not going to pretend to know what I’m talking about here, but has porn run out of ideas? I get that they like their humorous spoofs (because God forbid you ever accuse Ron Jeremy of lacking a sense of whimsy) but if nothing else, isn’t this movie like the Transformers film, where you think (and I’m not saying any of you think this, but just go with me here) “Hey, great idea, but isn’t it 30 years too late?” I can’t say how I know this, but I’m pretty sure this issue is going to leak into the next election. It’s topical, like Dan Quail and the “Murphy Brown” thing. But more naked.