Last night was the UK premiere of This Means War, that absolutely horrible-looking Reese Witherspoon vehicle which is just a rip-off of Mr. and Mrs. Smith (only in this one, the two spies are dudes and “the girl” is just a clumsy ditz!). Reese wore Louis Vuitton for the premiere, which… maybe on Cate Blanchett, I might kind of like this dress. But is it just me, or is this dress really unflattering on Reese’s figure? It makes her look really thick in the middle, and she’s NOT. It also makes her look like she’s hiding a boob job, which she very well may be hiding (new husband, new boobs?). Should I even say anything about the bangs (trauma)? I think Reese has a pretty heart-shaped face, and these scraggily, flat-ironed bangs don’t do much. I almost wish she had just kept the Jennifer Aniston-esque “beachy ditz” styling.

So unflattering. Why is she smiling like that? She’s going to bust something, she’s trying so hard.

Reese’s costars also walked the red carpet – here’s Chris Pine. This boy is handsome, but he does nothing for me. I think his attractive face seems kind of douchey.

But Tom Hardy was also there, and I need some alone time with these photos. JESUS. *fans self* Tom Hardy with a beard and a scarf? Who knew? He looks gorgeous. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), Tom seems to be back with his ex-fiancée, Charlotte Riley. They broke up a year ago (after Tom seemed to have gotten cozy with Lindsay Lohan!!!), but I guess they’re back on. She was at the premiere too, and they posed together briefly, but not exclusively. Don’t even get me started on her bow-covered dress.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

Should I discuss my absence yesterday? Late Sunday night, my body went into some kind of disgusting revolt – CB thinks I have food poisoning, I think I have some nasty stomach flu that’s been going around. Whatever is going on in my stomach, I feel like ten kinds of hell.

There isn’t a great segue from my stomach problems to Vanessa Paradis’s marriage problems, but here goes. Last night, Vanessa walked the red carpet solo for her new film Café de Flore. I’m assuming that we’re supposed to think that Vanessa going solo is a sure sign that she and Johnny Depp are definitely over, but throughout their relationship, they’ve often done premieres and stuff solo. That being said, I do think they’re over.

Vanessa Paradis attended the Paris premiere of her new film, Café de Flore, on Monday, marking her first official public appearance since PEOPLE’s report that she and longtime partner Johnny Depp are living separate lives.

The actress, 39, breezed past photographers on the red carpet, pausing only once to pose with Marin Gerrier – the young actor who plays her son in the movie – and the film’s director, Jean-Marc Vallée.

“She had the air she always does – polite, smiling saying hello to everyone inside,” says French TV reporter Christophe Beaugrand. But reporters were explicitly told that no personal questions were allowed.

She sported a black tuxedo jacket, a flowing black tie, rust-colored leather pants and four-inch heels for the event.

Paradis seemed happy to be in Paris and was accompanied by her sister Alysson at the premiere, 5,000 miles away from Depp, who was last spotted in Los Angeles Thursday.

Last week, she was photographed shopping in the French city.

Paradis left the premiere early and briefly signed autographs for fans outside the UGC Danton theater, before heading to the afterparty at the nearby Chez Castel nightclub.

[From People]

I will say this – Vanessa looks really beautiful in these photos. She looks sort of like… Eva Green…? And Johnny might have been fooling around with Eva Green too – what does it all mean?

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame.

I can’t even begin to describe how depressed I am this morning. When I was first looking through the morning photos, my heart skipped a beat when I saw that the LA premiere of Haywire was held last night. That could only mean one thing: My Fassy. Michael Fassbender has a supporting role in the Steven Soderbergh film, which stars Gina Carano as a Jason Bourne-esque CIA operative who goes rogue after the agency tries to kill her. Fassbender plays the hit man who is first assigned to take her out. It does not end well for him, unfortunately. Anyway, Fassy wasn’t there. SON OF A…! There are no photos of The Beast Within. He was probably off somewhere, wrecking some lucky bitch’s sweetshop.

So we’re left with this assortment of dongs. It’s a decent gathering of dudes, but I’m still disappointed. I’m including photos of Ewan McGregor and his wife Eve, who… look, I’m sure Eve is a lovely woman, she’s raising four girls out of the spotlight, and Ewan seems to just adore her. BUT HER HAIR. Good God. Meanwhile, Ewan is a vampire. He’s 40 years old! He could pass for late 20s.

Here’s Channing Tatum and Gina Carano. Gina’s dress is lovely – I like that she got all decked out for her first big premiere for her first starring role. Also: Channing is HUGE. Jesus.

Channing with his wife Jenna Dewan. I think Jenna is a really pretty girl, in that cute girl-next-door way. I don’t like her hair either, though.

Matt Bomer was there, for no reason than he likes wearing suits, I guess. He’s so pretty, it hurts.

Melanie Griffith… I don’t even know. No comment.

Joe Manganiello – random beefcake. He looks nice here, though. He and Bomer are tight, so maybe they had a boys’ night out to support Soderbergh, who they both worked with on that male-stripper movie. Based on Channing Tatum’s early years. Joe is playing Big Dick Richie, just FYI.

Dominic Monaghan – random Hobbit.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

These are photos from the premiere of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, that film where Tom Hanks plays a father who died in the World Trade towers on 9/11 and Sandra Bullock is the widow raising a young, precocious son who has a mysterious key that unlocks something in NYC. Let’s get through the superficial stuff first – Sandra Bullock is wearing Alexander McQueen, and… I really don’t like the execution of this. I love the idea of Sandy in a smart, well-designed suit, but the shiny silk/satin (?) fabric is pretty awful, and the suit ends up looking really cheap on her. I also have a problem with Bullock’s styling – the flat-ironed hair looks dated, and she paired her shiny black suit with a flesh-colored camisole that is playing tricks on my eyes. Also: Sandra looks like she got some new boobs. I don’t like saying that, but look at them. She’s never been that well-endowed.

Should we talk about Tom Hanks? Well, at least he’s aging naturally. I get tired of men who look as nipped and tucked as the ladies, but I want to force Tom to get some sleep and use some night cream. Rita looks good, though.

Viola Davis is in this too – and I loved her premiere dress. She was the one pop of color on the red carpet, and this cotton-candy pink looks AMAZING on her.

As for the film… when it was being made, everyone thought it was possibly going to be a major Oscar contender, but as far as I know, it’s made no one’s “Best of 2011” list, and it’s actually been criticized for it’s overwrought sentimentality. I can see how it looked great on paper, though – pair America’s Sweetheart with America’s Most Beloved Leading Man, insert national tragedy and a kid who is wise beyond his years, and wait for the awards. Why didn’t that work out? Here’s the trailer:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Kaiser covered some earlier photos from the New Year’s Eve premiere, that ensemble romcom out this Friday looks like a pale imitation of Love Actually. Also at last night’s premiere we had unlikely romcom queen Katherine Heigl, almost working it in a strapless black lace Dolce & Gabbana LBD. The dress is hot, but she nearly ruins it with her accessories and hair. I know her hair is short and there’s not a lot she can do with it, but that wavy style is just so Rose from Golden Girls. Plus she’s paired that sexy dress with some dippy gold peep toe shoes with glittery bows on them, a gold sequin clutch, and a busy gold and diamond necklace. It’s too much together, but she looks happy here at least. Check her out laying a kiss on her husband.

Michelle Pfeiffer was stunning in lovely purple Dolce & Gabbana paired with towering suede heels and a clutch. I love this dress on her, but it could do without the matchy shoes. Look at her try to stand up straight in those platforms. Can you believe she’s 53? She’s obviously had a lot done, but it’s settled somewhat and she’s looking good. This is how you do hair and makeup.

Abigail Breslin was a ballerina fairy in this goofy poofy v-neck dress with a visible petticoat. She’s 15, she’s still finding her fashion legs. I’ll say something nice: her hair and makeup are so pretty here. I usually don’t like blue eye shadow on blue eyes, but it works on her.

Alyssa Milano wore this unflattering black dress paired with these very fug shoes. She just had a baby in August, so she gets a pass. It took me about a year to figure out how to dress after I had my kid. I like her a lot and am glad that she’s in this film, as crappy as it seems. IMDB has her listed as “Nurse Mindy.” And I just found out that DeNiro is in this mess. He didn’t show for the premiere though.

I will admit to finding Jackson Rathbone attractive in the past. Like not here at TheBreaking Dawn Part 1 premiere at all, not with the Vegas red velvet suit, the black tie and vest with chains, and the obvious makeup. Also not in any of the Twilight movies, where he has that freaky bleached blonde hair and the serial killer eyes that are unique to the Cullen family. (If they’re not real family members, and are just a rag tag bunch of vampires of varying ages, why do they have to all look like that? It’s probably explained in the books that I skimmed.) I thought this guy was hot in the past, when he was working a well put together rocker look a la Jason Mraz.

Let’s revisit that look for Rathbone, from August, 2010. Look how adorable he is with floppy hair, a cute hat and the right amount of scruff.

And look at him now. Weird, right? One of the suggested searches for Jackson Rathbone on Google is “Jackson Rathbone gay,” but there’s not a verdict on that and some sites say he has a girlfriend. He looks like a poorly dressed rocker to me, not that it matters. He’s super fug here yet he looks oddly confident. Is this outfit some kind of cheeky joke? That’s the only excuse for it.

Taylor Lautner resembled a Wall Street banker in this very stodgy but stylish suit and tie. He does nothing for me, and I tend to associate him with his whiny bitch character in Twilight. I don’t think of Robert Pattinson as an emotionally abusive stalker, but maybe that’s because he done other roles. Lautner will be Jacob for me for a while. Also, this scruff makes him look like a high school student trying to grow a beard for the first time. Still, I can see how some teeny boppers would find him dreamy.

To cleanse our palettes, lets gaze at Rob Lowe, who isn’t in the movie of course but scored an invite to the premiere. He’s wearing a black shirt with a blue suit, and it looks like his pants are too long for him, but still he’s gorgeous. This dude is 47. There’s a scary aged bloated photo of him hidden in an attic somewhere.

Also here is his wife. I get the sense that they are super kinky.

Photo credit: WENN.com

Johnny Depp worked the hell out of a blue suit at the Rum Diary premiere in London last night. I think he looks really good here, and like he’s almost back to his old self. It’s probably his perfectly tousled hair, his goatee that looks like it just sprung up unattended but was probably carefully cultivated, and the fact that he looks just like he used to. Remember his 2008 Oscar appearance with Vanessa Paradis? He looks the same here with a few extra pounds that he carries very well.

Johnny is still making headlines for being drunk a lot, just like his character in Rum Diary. In mid October we saw video of Johnny falling over drunk while trying to sign autographs, and at the NY premiere of the Rum Diary Johnny appeared drunk and at some points was held up by a bodyguard. As Evil Beet speculates, Johnny could simply have been acting wasted at the premiere to promote the film, in which his character is a raging alcoholic. This week’s In Touch asks if Johnny is out of control and quotes a “friend” who says that Vanessa is “disgusted” with his drunkenness. They use the photos of Johnny being held up by the bodyguard to illustrate their point.

Johnny Depp is a dedicated 48 year-old father of two. But lately, the former hell-raiser seems to be regressing to his hard-partying youth.

“Johnny mellowed himself out over the past 10 years,” a friend explains, even swearing off hard alcohol at the behest of longtime partner Vanessa Paradis. Now, the friend says, he’s fallen off the wagon – and it’s threatening to destroy his relationship.

“Johnny went on a spectacular bender recently while visiting LA. He was stumbling around and slurring his words.” Perhaps Johnny – currently promoting The Rum Diary… has just gone method? If so, he’d better shape up. “Vanessa is disgusted,” the friend says.

[From In Touch, print edition, November 14, 2011]

I believe that Johnny drinks a lot, and that he has been drinking as he’s doing promotion for Rum Diary. He was wasted during his Vanity Fair interview and he just did an interview with The Daily Mail in which he got drunk with the journalist and the screenwriter/director of Rum Diary, Bruce Robinson. (Shown below.) Robinson blamed Depp for convincing him to drink again after he was abstinent for six years. So it definitely sounds like Johnny loves getting drunk and shooting the sh*t with his friends. He looks sober here, though, and like he’s cool with promoting the film. Look at how cute he is kissing Amber Heard! (Kaiser reviewed her look here.) I bet they had a great rapport on set. If it’s true that his partner is “disgusted” that he’s getting so drunk, I hope everything is ok for him at home. Maybe he’s drinking because they’re having problems, and they’re having problems because he’s drinking. It can be cyclical that way.

Photo credit: WENN and Fame

Last night was the premiere of Tower Heist in NYC. I’ve gone back and forth on how this film will perform, if it will be any good, and whether I should take my mother to see it (she really wants to see it). Brett Ratner directed it, and IMO, Ratner = Self-aggrandizing BS. He’s just creepy as a person, and as a director… he’s a hack. But Tower Heist does feature an interesting ensemble including Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, Alan Alda, Matthew Broderick and Gabourey Sidibe.

Anyway, last night’s premiere – Sarah Jessica Parker, wife of one of the stars of the film, ended up being the most photographed woman on the red carpet. What does that say about the movie? I don’t know. I do know that I hate her Narciso Rodriguez dress. I get the idea of it (I think): wear something low-key yet stylish to your husband’s premiere. I get that she didn’t want to wear a big gown (like Paz de la Huerta did… more on that in a moment), so I like that SJP was consciously like, “This is not my night.” But then she made it all about her anyway. I just don’t think the dress is pretty or well constructed, or even flattering on Sarah Jessica’s body. James Wilke is adorable, though.

Eddie Murphy! I can’t help it, I’m looking forward to the Oscars this year because Eddie is hosting. He needs to take off those sunglasses, though.

Next up: Paz de la Huerta, trying to steal SJP’s thunder, and the thunder of every one on the red carpet. Paz isn’t even in the movie! And she still put on a gown (with a really long train) and posed like crazy on the red carpet. Ridiculous.

Here’s Ben Stiller and Christina Taylor. She looks gorgeous – look at her beautiful face. She’s ageless. Ben is meh.

And last we have Gabourey Sidibe. I like her hair here.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’m surprised at how attractive I’m finding Robert Pattinson in these new photos. Rob was in Paris last night promoting Breaking Dawn, Part 1 with Ashley Greene. Greene is acting like she’s the star of the film, which is pretty much how she sees herself, but Pattinson doesn’t seem to mind. He’s just happy to pose and sign autographs for fans. He looks so hot to me here, and like he’s no longer jailbait. I love his scruffy beard and the small amount of weight he’s gained. (If he’s gained any and it’s not just the light beard.) Plus he’s grown out that awful patchy hair he was sporting this summer for a role.

Pattinson trimmed down his beard from the full wilderness man look he had up until late last week. At last night’s premiere he was working the hell out of a Dolce & Gabbana suit. Greene was in a navy Givenchy gown with a goofy ruffle around the waist and down the front. It’s not bad, but that weird tooth necklace she’s wearing is bizarre. It’s so out of place that I would speculate that a fan gave it to her on the red carpet. It matches her shoes a little too much to be random though.

Breaking Dawn is imminent, and they keep releasing scenes from the film in drips and drabs that are whipping Twihards into a frenzy. At first they released the honeymoon scenes, then the wedding, and there were probably some other releases in there that I missed. The film is out in the US on November 18th, so we have a couple more weeks of constant news about it to endure. It just looks so cheesy to me. To promote the film, a few of the secondary stars and performers are going to go on a five city appearance and concert tour starting next week. It will be free and tickets are sure to sell out quickly. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s probably completely unneccessary. This movie will clean up at the box office and probably requires very little promotional effort. Here’s more:

Peter Facinelli, Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz and Elizabeth Reaser will pile into the van (OK, probably a plane) for a five-city tour from November 7 to 11 that will hit Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco and Salt Lake City, just one week before the movie hits screens (November 18). They will be joined by singer and “Breaking Dawn” soundtrack contributor Christina Perri on the first three dates. Three other soundtrack contributors — Aqualung, Lucy Schwartz and Sleeping at Last — will be on hand for the final two shows.

Tickets for the appearances are free and will be available beginning at 10 a.m. local time Saturday, November 5, at each location, with a two-ticket-per-person limit. Each event will feature a red-carpet arrival followed by the mini-concert.

[From MTV]

Good for them I guess. Ashley Greene’s name isn’t in the list quoted, but MTV reports that she’ll be joining them. She probably thinks they need a high profile celebrity there.

Update: After I wrote all that, the Flare Magazine people sent us this excerpt and these two photos from Ashley’s cover story. She looks so smug as usual, and while her interview isn’t as obnoxious as the one she just gave Allure, it’s still dripping with attitude:

On her protective instincts toward Taylor Lautner: “The guys get some very intense um… propositions. We all got a little ‘momma bear’ on Taylor because women were giving the guys their numbers and their panties and it was just a little insane.”

On staying in touch with the cast: “We’ll do dinners and game nights. This whole experience was really special to a lot of us, and we certainly don’t want to lose that family aspect just because we’re not filming.”

On Alice Cullen’s telepathic powers: “Seeing the future sounds really cool, but I think it would drive me crazy, honestly. I think it takes away the mystery, and that’s one of the best things about life… You never know what’s going to happen and you have to live every day like it’s your last.”

On embracing the single life: “I’m not dating anyone right now, which is nice. I’m choosing to take it as a really great opportunity to focus on myself and figure out what’s next in my career.”

On filming Bella and Edward’s wedding scenes: “Watching your friends get married, onscreen or off, is a very interesting, delicate thing.”

On her vision for her character’s bridesmaid’s gown: “I wanted Alice’s past incorporated into her dress a little bit. She’s from the 1920s and 1930s, so we kind of kept that in mind.”

[From Flare Magazine received via e-mail, with more photos at the source]

“I’m choosing to take it as a really great opportunity to focus on myself” = “I’m waiting to land a high profile hookup and then parade him around to the paps.” Just wait.

Photo credit: WENN.com

Alright, here is the post devoted to the hot men of the Margin Call premiere, as I just promised in the Demi Moore post. Aside from Demi, the premiere was pretty much a sausage party, which is appropriate I guess because Wall Street is pretty much a sausage party as well. Unfortunately, Wall Street dudes don’t look like Paul Bettany. GAH! I love him so much. I love that his hair has grown out. I love his bright eyes. I love his glasses. I don’t love his ascot. But Paul pulls it off, and even manages to look dashing. I wish Jennifer Connelly had come to the premiere with him for a little date night, but I’ll take my Bettany solo too.

Next up: Simon Baker’s fine ass. Oooooh, nice. I love his glasses too!

Am I alone in thinking that Stanley Tucci is a sexy bitch? Whatever, he is. MORE EYEGLASS PORN!

Penn Badgley is the opposite of sexy (to me). I don’t care for his white man’s afro either. Tamp it down or put some product on it or something. He looks like a Chia Pet. And this is what Zoe Kravitz chose over the Fassdong. SMH.

Zachary Quinto, fresh from his coming out party. Fortunately, I find him even more attractive now that I know he’s gay. Unfortunately, I’m being thwarted by this blind item which everyone is now claiming is definitely Quinto.

And last bu not least, Kevin Spacey! White jeans! Eyeglass porn! His face looks good (he’s lost some weight), but the outfit sucks.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.