How much would you pay to see a cage fight between Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray? Like, all of our combined checking accounts, right? Because Martha would take that bitch down. Martha was interviewed for Nightline this week (it hasn’t been aired yet), and Martha dishes on her daytime chef/lifestyle queen competition. Martha sniffs that Rachel’s “new” cookbook is full of all of Rachel’s old recipes, and “that’s not good enough” for Martha. But Martha admits that Rachel isn’t doing any false advertising, claiming that Rachel is “more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.” Us Weekly got in touch with Rachel, and she’s smart enough not contradict the queen of all:

Martha Stewart says Rachael Ray can’t hold a candle to her in the kitchen.

In her first television interview since serving five months in prison in 2004 for lying to investigators about a well-timed stock trade, Stewart, 68, talks to ABC News’ Nightline about rebuilding her brand — and slams Ray, 41, one of her TV competitors.

“Well, to me, she professed that she could — cannot bake,” Stewart says of Ray in the interview, airing Thursday. “She — just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She — and that’s not good enough for me.”

When it comes to writing a book, Stewart says she want to publish something that “is a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone’s library.” Ray, she says, “is different.”

Stewart says Ray is “more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.”

Do Stewart’s remarks make Ray mad?

“Why would it make me mad?” Ray asks. “Her skill set is far beyond mine. That’s simply the reality of it.”

Ray adds that “that doesn’t mean that what I do isn’t important too… I don’t consider it needling. I really just think she’s being honest. She does have a better skill set than I do when it comes to producing a beautiful, perfect, high-quality meal.” Says Ray, “I’d rather eat Martha’s than mine, too.”

[From Us Weekly]

This is why Rachel Ray pisses me off. Rachel is basically admitting that her deal is doing everything half-assed, from lifestyle stuff to food. Which is fine – there are a lot of busy people out there, and not everyone has time to make Martha Stewart-quality food or crafts. But what I hate is the smaller point Martha is making – that Rachel is profiting (big time) from this half-assed sh-t. That Rachel is considered some kind of foodie, or that she’s even fit to be mentioned in the same breath as Martha pisses me off, but that Rachel is so successful at being this cheap, budget, half-assed version is asinine. Rachel should be ashamed of herself if she put out a “new” cookbook that had all of the old half-assed recipes as her other cookbooks. Disgusting. Team Martha forever.

Martha Stewart on November 5, 2009 (with her french bulldogs Sharkey and Francesca, I threw in a picture of the puppies). Header photo of Martha is her at a Halloween benefit gala, not doing anything half-assed, on October 30, 2009. Rachel Ray pictured on April 2, 2009. Credit for all: WENN.

Rachel Ray was featured on the cover of “Modern Dog” Magazine with an accompanying article promoting her new pet food line, “Nutrish.” Inside there was also a recipe from Rachel that looked like it was a pet food recipe. She called it “Isaboo’s Butternut Squash Mac and Chedder,” named after her pit bull Isaboo, who loves squash. The only problem was that the recipe contained onions, which are completely toxic to dogs and cats and can kill them. It was intended to be a people food recipe, but was not labeled as just for people, was misleadingly named after her dog and seemed like a recipe specifically for dogs.

The recipe is still on Rachel Ray’s “Everyday” Magazine website under a “Pet Friendly” header and accompanied by a photo of her dog looking like he’s chowing down on the dish – which again contains onion:

To promote her “Nutrish” line of dog food, the super chef recently published a recipe that’s intended for human consumption in a popular dog lover’s magazine. The recipe, “Isaboo’s Butternut Squash Mac and Chedder” was inspired by her pit bull Isaboo’s love of squash. But readers were confused and believed the dish, that included an ingredient that could kill dogs, was mean for their dogs.

Nowhere in the dog magazine did it state that the recipe was intended for humans, not dogs. And the text accompanying the recipe contained a disclaimer warning owners to check with their dogs’ veterinarians, again leading many to believe the recipe was for dogs…

Dr. Dana Harman, D.V.M., of Boca Raton, Fla, explains that onions can cause “potentially fatal hemolytic anemia” in dogs.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, January 5, 2008]

“Modern Dog” has since added a mild disclaimer to the website about how the recipe was intended for people but the amount of onion wasn’t that much anyway. The commenters are upset, though, and say that “Modern Dog” should have known better than to present a dish containing onions as if dogs could eat it. They also say that while Ray may be a dog lover and does promote shelters, she’s openly talked about getting her dog from a breeder.

Hopefully no pets were harmed by Rachel Ray’s misleading recipe. The Rachel Ray people really need to change their website soon, so that no one else makes it for their dog thinking it’s ok.

Obnoxious cook and talk show host Rachel Ray didn’t just claim to be a size six in passing, she did it in an article that takes up two pages in this week’s In Touch.

The story is an interview with Ray that focuses on how she “maintains” her weight. It’s titled “How a great cook stays a size six.” Ray gives some reasonable answers to questions about if she’s lost weight and if she exercises regularly, saying she doesn’t focus on her looks and that she does some light exercises at home but doesn’t go to the gym. Then she claims to have been a size six “for several years,” due to “stretch fabrics.” She doesn’t look like a size six to me, but I guess that can vary based on the store and style:

You look amazing – have you lost weight since last season?
I don’t know or care – I’m happy and I feel good. My looks are never the focus of my work.

Does working with food all day make it harder to maintain your weight?
No, it’s easy. When you cook, you control the salt, fat and quality of your food.

What’s your secret to staying thin without depriving yourself?
Everything in moderation. And I’m not thin, but thanks!

How do you avoid eating if you feel tempted?
I don’t avoid it. I eat.

Have you always been the same size?
No, but for several years I have been a 6. Within a size 6, you can play with about 20 pounds thanks to stretch fabrics. I don’t get on the scale, I have enough to worry about! I eat well – lots of vegetables and whole grains and protein. When a size 6 gets too tight, I just eat less and move more.

When you chose to work out, what kinds of exercises do you prefer?
I do sit-ups, Jane Fonda butt lifts and push-ups each day, that’s it. I have a gym card that spends most of its time mocking me from my wallet. With my schedule, it’s very hard for me to maintain a consistent gym routine.

[From InTouch, print edition, November 5, 2007]

I am not making fun of Rachel Ray’s weight. I don’t really like her as a person but she looks good. She just does a disservice to normal-sized women by claiming to be a size six when she’s at least an eight, as if it’s something to be ashamed of and to blatantly fib about. It’s possible she does have some clothing that’s a size six and that it fits her due to “stretch fabrics,” but is everything she owns a size six? Unless her people change the tags like Oprah’s staff is rumored to do, it’s doubtful. I haven’t lived in the states in a while and could be out of touch with the sizing though. What do you guys think?

Rachel Ray is shown in the header on 4/24/07 at Food Bank for New York City’s Annual Dinner, thanks to Splash News. She is shown below posing with her wax figure at Madame Tussauds on 2/21/07 thanks to PRPhotos.

It appears Rachael Ray’s marriage is pretty much over. The giant-headed star (and I mean that in the kindest, literal sense; not as an insult implying that she has a big ego) and her husband have been tabloid fodder since last November, when the National Enquirer reported that her husband, lawyer/”rock star” John Cusimano paid a lady named Jeaninne Walz a good deal of money ($500 a session) to spit on him, rub her feet in his face, and other stuff too nasty to write. According to Page Six this has been going on since 2000, and has continued throughout the course of his marriage to Ray, according to Celebrity Mound.

Cusimano is the frontman for the very appropriately named band The Cringe. He and Ray have been married for two years, and don’t have any children. Though all reps are denying the breakup, it seems to just be that heap of garbage most press reps and lawyers are paid to say.

“Rumors are also circulating that Rachael ‘has been flirting’ with Colby Donaldson, the ex-”Survivor” cast member who joined the “Rachael Ray” show in February, on and off the set. But Ray’s rep, Charlie Dougiello, told us, “Rachael and John are happier than ever and have been in the Hamptons since Tuesday enjoying the holiday week with friends. Rachael’s mom, Elsa, is upstate at the family cabin. There is no truth to reports they are about to get divorced.”

[From Page Six]

It stinks that someone can just come along and destroy your marriage by saying something like this. But you have to think that if it really is leading to a divorce, there’s at least a chance that there’s some truth to the rumor. I swear to God, just the mention of feet in any sexual context would make me end a marriage/friendship/work/pretty-much-anything.

Perky cooking mistress Rachel Ray had a few too many at dinner with friends and was overheard talking smack about Oprah, Angelina Jolie, and Brad Pitt. TMZ asks if she’s “racial,” but I think they mean “racist” because you wouldn’t call a personal “racial,” but maybe they weren’t trying to sound so severe or whatever. Apparently she said that Oprah was wearing “slave drag” in a picture that she prominently displays of her as as a slave in Toni Morrison’s post civil war-era movie, Beloved, and said that Oprah “has problems being black.”

That doesn’t sound racist to me, it just sounds like drunk smack-talking. A lot of people have levied that same criticism against Oprah, so it’s not like Ray came up with it.

Ray also revealed that she’s team Aniston, and is said to have called Brad Pitt a “sissy boy” and Angelina Jolie a “”skanky, backdoor cunt.”

Of course her people deny this ever happened, and her companions at dinner say it’s not true, either.

I believe it. I mean, I don’t know much about this chick apart from the 2 minutes I sat and watched her cooking show before I got annoyed and flipped the channel. Vera at I’m Not Obsessed went to a taping of her new show, though, and said she got snippy with cameraman and swore on set. She said she’s not as chipper as you think.

Ray’s husband is rumored to have a weird foot fetish, and a woman recently sold her story to the Enquirer claiming that he paid her to spit on him and rub her feet on his chest.

Header image of Rachel Ray as a perky food chipmunk who will scratch you if you get too close from Gallery of the Absurd.