Honestly, there are few actors who get me churned up like Ralph Fiennes. The English Patient had a profound effect on me when I was a teenager, and my residual attraction to Ralph lasts to this day. It’s the voice. It’s the eyes. It’s the talent. And he just seems like the kind of man who would ruin you and ruin himself just to be with you. That’s hot. Of course, Ralph is a bit older now – he’s 49 years old. He’s still incredibly sexy (to me), but he’s also witty, funny, eccentric and weird. Anyway, Ralph has two new interviews, likely to promote Coriolanus, and they amused me. I loved what he had to say about Maid In Manhattan!!! Here are some excerpts from his Details interview:

DETAILS: You reportedly indulged in some rock-star behavior [after the success of Schindler‘s List]. Did sudden fame go to your head?
Ralph Fiennes: I don’t think so. I think that what you call “rock-star behavior,” lots of people have indulged in. It doesn’t mean that you’ve let everything go to your head. You’re under pressure, you play, and it gets noticed and written about. When I read about quote-unquote “rock-star behavior” now, I think I was in the beginner’s category.

DETAILS: Did you ever hit a fallow period? That stretch when you did Maid in Manhattan?
Ralph Fiennes: I’ve never felt fallow in the sense that there’s been no work. People would say, “When are you going to play something lighthearted? You always play dark, serious types or bad guys.” Then Maid in Manhattan came along. I enjoyed making it and have huge respect for J.Lo, who was, I think, terribly good in it. But that sort of light comic thing is probably not my strength.

DETAILS: You have played a lot of villains. Do you get a kick out of that?
Ralph Fiennes: I don’t feel I’m playing villains all the time. I feel I’ve also played some very benign people. Voldemort in Harry Potter is kind of the high-profile villain. Of course the guy in Schindler’s List is a bad guy. No way around that one.

DETAILS: You once said you enjoyed it when a child on set who saw you dressed as Voldemort started crying.
Ralph Fiennes: I wasn’t trying to scare him, but he saw me—I didn’t look like the Voldemort on the screen, but the child cried. The little boy in me was happy to have scared someone. Not in a serious way—of course not.

DETAILS: Would you ever like to have kids?
Ralph Fiennes: Not at the moment, anyway. I haven’t made any firm decisions. But I can’t say right now that I have a huge parental urge.

DETAILS: Do you worry that being domesticated would put a damper on your creative drive?
Ralph Fiennes: I’m not very good at being domesticated. I’ve tried. The domestic life I find claustrophobic—the rituals and habits and patterns. I’m the eldest of six, and we’re all close in age, and that probably informs my reluctance to go there again. . . . This is a rather personal area. I don’t really want to be explaining the way I live.

DETAILS: This is very personal, but do you regret the 2007 Qantas incident, when you were caught leaving an airplane bathroom with a flight attendant?
Ralph Fiennes: I’m not going to comment on that. I’ve never commented on that.

DETAILS: Somewhere down the road you might become Sir Ralph. How would you feel about that?
Ralph Fiennes: I don’t know if actors should be Sirred up. I don’t know. . . . I’m leaving you with an ambivalent silence.

[From Details]

Ralph adores “J.Lo”. Did anyone else laugh because he actually referred to her as “J.Lo”? Not Jennifer. Not Miss Lopez. J. LO. Hilarious. Also – he doesn’t want to talk about the time that he boned a stewardess in an airplane bathroom. I know some of you were grossed out by that, but honestly, if Ralph wanted to bone you in a bathroom, wouldn’t you? I would.

Anyhoodle, Ralph also did the newest Proust questionnaire for Vanity Fair. This is also a lovely piece – you can read the full thing here. My favorite parts are when he cops to being “too controlling and a bit obsessive-compulsive” and his greatest regret is that he didn’t spend more time with his parents while they were alive (aw). His most marked characteristic is “Staring too hard and too long at people, but then zoning out midway through a conversation.” And he hates “Being late, being unprepared, junk food, Facebook, and Twitter.” It’s a good piece!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I mentioned these photos yesterday, but now that I’m looking through them again, I’m just not feeling the homoeroticism. Gerard is thin and sure, he looks great in that black polo. And Ralph is scruffy – all for a stage role in London. Why are these two not giving it to me right now? Maybe I’m just tired? True story – I’ve had really bad sleep patterns lately. Usually, when I see two of my guys, two of my beloved accented gentlemen, together in some kind of embrace, their scruff intertwining into a tangled, sweaty heap of hotness, my biscuits will tingle. I’m not feeling it here. I think maybe if I added Daniel Craig into the mix? See, the thought of Danny Craig standing there with Gerard and Ralph, that did something to my biscuits. Now add Javier Bardem. Oooh, that’s good.

Anyway, these are some photos from the press conference for Coriolanus yesterday in Toronto. According to reports, it was a love fest with everyone singing Ralph’s praises as a director and actor. Ralph said about the film, “The play has resonance with the times we’re in, especially now with so much uncertainty in the world … and the constant tension between leadership and the voice of the people. It’s a continually resonant political thriller with a Greek tragedy at centre of it.” Oh, here’s a good quote – from Gerard, talking about a fight sequence he did with Ralph: “The fight that we had, which to this day remains the closest thing to a homosexual experience that I’ve had, and may be a career-changing thing for both of us.” Ralph quipped, “We rehearsed that fight exhaustively.” Oh, that’s good stuff. Talk more about this, boys.

Oh, and YES, that’s Jessica “Bitch is everywhere this year” Chastain.

In case Ralph wasn’t doing it for you, here’s a photo of Gerard getting homoerotic with Rodrigo Santoro.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Did you know that Ralph Fiennes is back on the stage? This is nothing new, actually. Ralph is just one of those amazing actors who finds joy in mixing it up between theatre work and film work. He’s currently starring in a London production of The Tempest – he’s playing Prospero, which doesn’t mean anything to me because I’ve somehow avoided this Shakespeare play my entire life. I’m assuming Prospero is the lead role, and I’m assuming this new look that Ralph is working is for the play.

Now, I like my men with some scruff. I like them a bit dirtied up, unshaven, with shaggy hair and a filthy mind. But this scruffy look on Ralph is supremely unappealing. WTF? I’m usually so hot for him. Even when he looks terrifying, even when he’s covered in makeup and CGI, I still get hot for him. But somehow, a mangy beard and his receding hairline… it’s just not doing anything for me. *sigh*

Hopefully, he’ll get cleaned up after the show is over (it’s done the end of October), in time to promote the hell out of Coriolanus. You want to see the trailer again, don’t you? I know you do.

Ralph also has a part in a new BBC miniseries that is… just about to premiere, I think (correct me if I‘m wrong, British people). It’s called Page Eight, and the trailer makes it look funky (and not in a good way):

I love Bill Nighy, but… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just too complicated to be put into trailer form.

Last thing: Ralph is still scheduled to work on the new James Bond movie, and new details about the plot are emerging. Apparently, there’s a rumor that this Bond film will be called Carte Blanche, and Ralph could possibly be playing a character that is, like, an Irish eco-terrorist…? Or he could be playing the main boss of the eco-terrorists (which sounds more likely). I think it’s all about irresponsible waste disposal? You can read more theories and rumors here, at Screen Rant.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’ve been waiting for the trailer for Coriolanus for much too long. I think the release date was originally this fall, but now it’s been pushed back to a December 2 opening in America. This is Ralph Fiennes’ debut as a director, and he gave himself the lead role as Coriolanus. Fortunately for all of us who love accented dong and/or Scottish beefcake, Ralph made the directorial decision to cast Gerard Butler as Coriolanus’s nemesis. Basically, this gets Gerard back to do something that he’s really good at: playing a dramatic, action-oriented hero where he doesn’t have to mask his natural Scottish brogue. Plus, Gerry just looks hot in a military uniform. The film also stars Brian Cox, Jessica Chastain, and Vanessa Redgrave, who gives a performance as Coriolanus’s mother, and she’s already being tipped for a Best Supporting Actress nomination. Here’s the trailer:

Ralph looks very interesting, but it felt like he was doing his Voldemort voice for part of the trailer, right? And Gerry just looks great. He should do more movies like this – supporting parts where he gets to be tough and brutal and steal scenes away from the leads. As for the plot…

Caius Martius ‘Coriolanus’ (Ralph Fiennes), a revered and feared Roman General is at odds with the city of Rome and his fellow citizens. Pushed by his controlling and ambitious mother Volumnia (Vanessa Redgrave) to seek the exalted and powerful position of Consul, he is loath to ingratiate himself with the masses whose votes he needs in order to secure the office. When the public refuses to support him, Coriolanus’s anger prompts a riot that culminates in his expulsion from Rome. The banished hero then allies himself with his sworn enemy Tullus Aufidius (Gerard Butler) to take his revenge on the city.

[From Movie Geeks]

I swear I saw this play years ago at the Shakespeare theatre in Washington, D.C., and I basically have no memory of the plot. I just remember how cool the set pieces were in that production, and I have a vague memory of all of the Christ and martyrdom imagery in the play. I believe Ralph’s vision of the story is supposed to be vaguely reminiscent of the Bosnian War. It seems faithful to that kind of modernization too, like it’s about urban warfare and genocide in a modern, affluent setting.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to this so much. Ralph and Gerry! YAY!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Here are some new photos of Ralph Fiennes in Russia today, at some film festival where he is presenting his directorial debut, Coriolanus. Several things jumped out at me at once. First of all, Ralph looks GOOD. The last time I saw him, he had shaved off all of his hair. It’s grown back, and while he’s still got a wonky hairline, I think he looks better with some hair. He looks like a scary predator with no hair.

Anyway, so now that my English Patient Ralph has come back to me, what does he do? He breaks my heart by showing up with his GIRLFRIEND. And she’s an aristocrat. Her name is Lady Amanda Harlech. They’ve been dating for several years (on and off, I believe), and she’s considered “glamorous”. I think she’s pretty-ish and age-appropriate for him. But it’s notable that she came with Ralph to the film festival. While they’ve been photographed together before, occasionally, they’ve never really done the red carpet thing, and I get the feeling that she rarely goes to his premieres or anything. Perhaps she’s the one to get Ralph to settle down? The thought makes me want to cry.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I tried to prepare you yesterday with those Gerard Butler photos – and now it’s come. I am SO EXCITED. This is the highlight of my morning, going through photos of Ralph Fiennes and Gerard Butler, who are promoting Coriolanus at the Berlin Film Festival. Ralph stars in it, and this marks his debut as a director. Gerard also takes a big part as Aufidius, the “villain” of the story. The film is getting rave reviews, and Miramax has already acquired it. I saw this play done at Washington’s Shakespeare theatre, more than a decade ago – it was an excellent production, but unfortunately I don’t remember the bulk of the story. Which means no spoilers, thank God. Just photos of my men. Oh, and Vanessa Redgrave, looking regal and old as dirt – thank God she hasn’t had any work done, because I love her real face.

Oh, the ginger SLUT is some actress named Jessica Chastain. In half of the photos, she’s draped herself on Gerard. Note to Gerard: you better knock that ginger on her ass if you ever want my love again.

I prefer the photos of Ralph and Gerard embracing tenderly. Gerard’s gentle curls brushing against Ralph’s cheek… and their eyes meet. “This is right,” Gerard growls. “I know,” Ralph whispers back. Gerard leans down and finds Ralph’s mouth. Ralph’s hand flies to the back of Gerard’s head, giving his curls a rough tug.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’m so tired today that I typed in “James Bong” and I just sat here for a full minute thinking “Is that his name? That doesn’t sound right.” Bong, James Bong. Double-O *toke*. Anyway, earlier this week, the rumors were floating around about Javier Bardem possibly/probably being cast as “the villain” in the new James Bond film, which will begin filming in a few months. Javier has not confirmed or denied anything, and some say that he probably won’t end up taking the part, which means my little homoerotic dream for Daniel and Javier to fight each other in a vat of baby oil is likely gone. But homoerotic James Bong fantasties will never die! The Daily Mail’s gossip guy reports that Sam Mendes (who is directing the new Bond film) has approached Ralph Fiennes to play a villain. Oh, be still my heart. LOVE it. Also – there’s a chance that Ralph and Javier could both be in it, but playing separate villains. Damn… James Bong producers have been reading my dream journal.

Ralph Fiennes is being lined up as one of the stars of the next James Bond movie. I can reveal that his Hollywood representatives are in discussions with the producers and director Sam Mendes about a role in the film that so far is known only as James Bond 23.

Mendes, who will direct Daniel Craig as Bond and Judi Dench as M, has spoken to Fiennes about ­taking on what has been described to me as ‘a darkly complex’ role. Fiennes is not interested in the usual run-of-the-mill action ­picture, but he was intrigued when he was told of Mendes’s ‘revolutionary’ plans for Bond 23.

‘It’s the first of a new generation of Bond films, and the ideas Mendes has push the film into darker territory where the characters are modern, mature and challenging,’ a film executive in Los Angeles connected to the production told me.

At the moment, the situation with Fiennes is purely at the discussion stage. I was told Fiennes was approached because ‘the part is one of extreme complexity and only an actor of great ability and dexterity can take it on — and Ralph’s name is top of our list’.

From what I can gather, it’s not the same part that’s being talked about for Javier Bardem.

I’m told a couple of other major names are being courted for roles in the picture. At one point Kevin Spacey was spoken to about doing Bond 23, but he was alreadly gearing up to play Richard III, which Mendes is directing at the Old Vic from June 18.

Fiennes has just been filming the role of the prime minister in David Hare’s BBC film Page Eight. Before that, he filmed his final frame as Lord Voldemort for the last Harry Potter movie. Next weekend, he travels to Germany, where his much anticipated film version of Coriolanus, featuring Vanessa Redgrave and Gerard Butler, will have its world premiere at the Berlin Film Festival.

Mendes and Fiennes are old friends, by the way. The actor led the director’s Royal Shakespeare Company production of Troilus And Cressida more than two ­decades ago. The play also ­featured Simon Russell Beale — who also may pop up in Bond 23.

[From The Daily Mail]

Ralph is excellent at playing villains. He just has a serial killer vibe on screen, which is weird, because he also comes across as so fragile and delicate and beautiful. Or is that just me? He’s fragile but psychotic, I guess. Or, he’s able to project that.

No all Sam Mendes has to do is cast Michael Fassbender and Jon Hamm, and they’ll have to rename the movie James Bong: Panty Explosion.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are all photos from the New York premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I. Jesus, isn’t this Calvin Klein dress beautiful on Emma Watson? Like, it’s just perfect. The cut is gorgeous, the color is great (perhaps a little too dark, but black looks wonderful on her), and the makeup, accessories and styling are fabulous. Emma Watson gets it right consistently, bless her heart. The simplicity of the cut works so well on her slender figure – a girl with a bigger bust (me) could not pull this off at all. Also: Emma’s date last night was her brother, Alex. Alex is rather hot. Okay, he’s really hot. But I don’t know how old he is, so I’m trying to tamp down the cougar.

Look at Emma’s bracelet thing – it’s fabulous.

I love that Rupert Grint went with a three-piece suit. He looks good in a vest! So cute.

Guess who else was at the NYC premiere? My love, Ralph Fiennes. And he brought Liam Neeson along as his date! I love that Liam and Ralph are so incredibly tight, I really do. They show up to each other’s premieres all the time, they go on vacations together, and they just seem like they’re really close, really “real” friends. Also: I could eat Ralph off a cracker. THIS MAN.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Yes, I just had an orgasm. I’m not ashamed. Gerard Butler is my future husband, and I have always loved Ralph Fiennes in a very private, obsessed way. I love hedgehogs, Ralph. Nevermind, it’s out private language. So… these promotional images were just released of Ralph’s directorial debut, Coriolanus. Ralph is directing himself as the title character, and Gerard plays the guy who walks around, stacked like a brick sh-thouse, looking intense. Actually, Ralph has done something very cool with the militaristic play – he’s set it (and filmed it) in Serbia. They’ve been filming in Belgrade for weeks – and there are even photos of Gerard wandering around in a really tight tank. Sigh… Jesus. Here’s more from the film:

Ralph Fiennes has been obsessed with bringing Shakespeare’s anti-hero Coriolanus to the screen ever since he played the human killing machine on stage. A decade later, the actor is directing the movie, as well as playing the central role.

He has persuaded Serbian special forces soldiers – many of them built like brick outhouses – to, essentially, play themselves. They brought their tanks, too. Fiennes has set his film about warring tribes, biting political ruthlessness and a mother’s ambition for her son, in modern times and some of the scenes look like the end of an empire.

That’s thanks to cinematographer Barry Ackroyd, who worked on the Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker, Ken Loach’s The Wind That Shakes The Barley and Paul Greengrass’s Green Zone.

Coriolanus has been shooting on locations around Belgrade. As well as using the army and local actors, Fiennes has been able to attract an A-list cast. Gerard Butler has agreed to play Coriolanus’s rival Tullus Aufidius and Vanessa Redgrave will be his fierce mother, Volumnia. Brian Cox takes the part of canny senator Menenius and Jessica Chastain plays the senator’s wife.

James Nesbitt, John Kani, Paul Jesson and Mona Hammond tackle other leading roles.
Channel 4 News anchor Jon Snow pops up as an evening news broadcaster, and singer Will Young has a cameo as a TV reporter.

Actually, Young has a wider role behind the scenes – he is one of the film’s executive producers. He and Fiennes became friends after meeting last year.

[From The Daily Mail]

It really does sound like a great project, and it’s kind of cool that Ralph has gone so f-cking hardcore for his first project as a director. It makes me think Ralph is really ballsy. Plus, I’d imagine filming in Belgrade is pretty cheap, right?

By the way, as I was looking for more photos of Gerard, I came across this story in The Sun. My Gerry was making out with some Belgrade chick at a bar just a few days ago. For f-ck’s sake, Gerard, all you have to do is call me, I’ll travel to you. You don’t have to hook up with randoms. Although, I think that’s what he really likes. Ugh.

Promotional images courtesy of Premier PR & The Daily Mail.

Last week, Life & Style revealed that there was yet another “tell-all” book being written about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and this one wasn’t written by anyone named Halperin, or any miscellaneous gossipy gerbil. This one was being written by a British tabloid journalist named Jenny Paul, and the excerpts that she’s already given away for free are absolutely priceless. Initially, the excerpts were about Angelina’s affair with Mick Jagger back in 1997 (when he was married to Jerry Hall), and then again in 2003-04. Apparently, Angelina was also boning Ralph “Oh My God I Hope This Happened” Fiennes back in 2004, as she was continuing to bone her ex-husband Jonny Lee Miller.

According to Life & Style’s excerpt, “ the sources say Angelina was sleeping with Jonny Lee Miller and Ralph Fiennes when she met Brad Pitt and she’d just ended a four-month relationship with Colin Farrell, because he was becoming obsessed with her, and he drank too much and wasn’t a good role model for Maddox. An insider claims that Angelina and Ralph Fiennes met for regular S&M sex sessions at a hotel in London. “They would order room service and watch the news together in bed afterward.””

After letting your mind wander through some S&M fantasies with Ralph Fiennes (mother may I), this new interview with Jenny Paul about her book is a little bit anti-climactic. Unless, of course, you already climaxed during your leather-clad Ralph Fiennes fantasy (raises hand). Here’s more:

‘Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie: The True Story’ comes out next week and asserts that Angelina slept with Mick Jagger when she was in her early twenties and that she and Brad plan to have 13 children, among other things. There were more than a few inconsistencies in the last Brangelina tell-all, so take what you will.

HuffPost exclusive: Author Jenny Paul gave the following details to Life & Style:

Angie’s had a nose job: No, she didn’t have her lips done. Paul claims in her new book that Angelina had a nose job when she was younger (which her rep has denied) and also underwent laser eye surgery.

They have five nannies for six kids: Each older kid has a nanny, and the twins share one, the book reveals. “They look after the kids and home-school them,” Paul tells Life & Style.

Brad nearly got busted for pot: A report claimed Brad and Angie were so loud while having sex in Kenya in 2005, cops burst in. The real story, Paul tells Life & Style: Someone thought he smelled pot and tipped off police, who later raided the couple’s room but found nothing.

Brad bought their French estate: The couple purchased the $60 million Chateau Miraval, Paul tells Life & Style. It was bought by Brad’s Briarcliff Trust.

[From HuffPo]

Zzzz…. Whatever, nannies, gerbils, it’s all the same in the end. More Ralph! I want more details about Jonny Lee Miller, too. He’s always been my favorite of all of Angelina’s men, and I want to know about their sex life, because that’s who I am and I’m not ashamed. I always got the impression that Jonny and Angelina were very sexually compatible, and that’s what kept their relationship/friendship together for so many years.

Angelina in 2004. Jonny & Angelina on September 20, 2005. Ralph on September 7, 2009. Credit: WENN.