Oh holy grossness. Kate Moss is dating Pete Doherty again. We thought we’d heard that last week, but then found out the next day that he was seeing model Irina Lazareanu. Well now they’re together again. Supposedly. You know how everyone knows some couple that’s forever breaking up and getting back together? Normally by the time they hit their mid-twenties to early thirties, they’ve matured enough to stay together or stay apart. This isn’t the case for these two, who are far too crazy and unbalanced to ever make a decision and stick with it. The two have reconciled and been holed up in a London hotel together for over a week. Will someone please tell me what is so irresistible about this guy? I could pick apart his physicality, but that isn’t really the issue. It’s the poor hygiene, drug-addict-beyond-all-belief coupled with the terrible he’ll-squirt-vials-of-his-own- blood-on-people-because-he-thinks-it’s-funny personality. Those things make him look more repulsive. I’m sure if he wasn’t an unrepentant drug addict with jerky tendencies, we’d be all “Oh, how cute, he’s a sweet dork,” or whatever. I mean he’d never win a modeling competition, but no one would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep because they were so confused by Pet Doherty’s appeal. I’m pretty sure he has bugs. Okay I’m done now.

“English supermodel Kate Moss has run back into the needle-scarred arms of Pete Doherty. Our man in London spotted the co-dependent couple at Claridge’s hotel last week, having a weepy reunion. Since then, against the wishes of her family and handlers, Moss has been holed up with the Babyshambles rocker in a $4,000-a-night suite at the Mayfair hotel for five days.

“Apparently, Kate has forgotten that Doherty told the Mirror - which reportedly paid him $80,000 - that she was “jealous and suspicious” and “a nasty old rag.”

“Now they’re said to be talking about a wedding and children. This, after Doherty’s umpteenth arrest last week for suspected drug possession. Not to mention those British reports that a vet discovered a sickly kitty - born to Pete’s cat Dinger (slang for syringe) - had cocaine in its system. Surely, he’ll make a great dad.”

[From Rush & Malloy]

Remember back in the day when Tom Cruise said he was going to eat the placenta after Katie Holmes gave birth? I could totally see Pete Doherty doing that. He really would make a great dad to Kate Moss’s kids. “Hey kids, who wants to play pin the tail on the donkey with these hypodermic needles?” And then somehow all the needles would end up in the kid. “Who wants to drink their own blood?” And “Let’s play find Daddy’s heroin implant and rip it out of his stomach with a carving knife we’ve sterilized by licking!” Speaking of sterilized, can enough drugs do that to your system? Because if there’s any justice in this world, if nothing else Pete Doherty should be sterile by now.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s some random, sexy Pete Doherty. Images thanks to PR Photos. Header image of of Pete leaving court in London on August 7th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Ashton Kutcher, relationship guru and fashion sage, has some advice for women and men on how to get their styles to work better. In this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar, he offers tips to women on how to get their men to wear the clothes they like, and points out that men are there to highlight their ladies. Alright. I can’t tell if he’s a little metro, or just Demi’s mouthpiece or something. This is the guy who spawned the trucker hat revolution, after all.

“‘Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty or cute or that they clean up well,’ the 29-year-old actor says.

“‘So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana,’ he writes. ‘Feel free to be even more vague than that: ‘Wow, that suit makes you look like that hot football player!’

“Kutcher, who got his break on Fox network’s That ’70s Show, is often photographed on the arm of the stylish Moore, 44. The couple wed in September 2005.

“‘Trust me, say any of this and you won’t be able to get him to take the damn suit off,’ he says. ‘Before you know it, he’ll be wearing an Armani tux to league night at the bowling alley.’

“His advice for women: ‘You never want people to notice your accessories. … In this same way, your man should not upstage you. He is there to highlight you.’

“‘Make sure the look isn’t too matchy-matchy. … Your best bet is to match the man gear to that great new Balenciaga bag that you’re planning to carry. If your bag works with your outfit, so will he. ‘”

[From USA Today]

What kind of guy says “matchy-matchy?” I’m pretty sure that if he wrote this by hand, he dotted all his “i’s” with hearts. And I mean, what guy knows about the purse you’re planning to carry, let alone can name the label? I find this weird. I’m hoping and praying that it was just one of those “essays” that’s actually ghostwritten by one of the magazine’s writers. Because if Ashton Kutcher is sitting at his desk at night writing this, something tells me he and Demi are in separate rooms. Logic tells me there is no way this guy went from “Dude, Where’s my Car” to this over-sensitive, all-knowing fashionista in just a few year’s time. So I’m going to assume that either Demi wrote this and made Ashton sign his name, or he’s playing for the other team. Maybe that’s why he kept mentioning football players.

Picture note by JayBird:

Here’s Ashton at the Mr. Brooks L.A. Premiere. That’s right, this guy is giving you fashion advice. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Amy Winehouse’s issues-on-top-of-issues continued this weekend, as she and husband Blake Fielder-Civil left rehab for the second time. No, not on a rehab facility sponsored country outing to go look at some sheep or whatever it is they do in the English countryside. Nor is she leaving to “pick up a guitar” (because I’m sure no one could have done that for her, right?) and stop at a few pubs (I’m pretty sure rehab facilities encourage you to go to pubs and get plastered in the first week of treatment). Amy hasn’t made any excuses – yet. The couple appears to have left the Causeway clinic in Essex after a series of fights.

“Brit singer Amy Winehouse has walked out of rehab for the second time, after a string of rows with hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. The ‘Rehab’ star quit The Causeway clinic in Essex on August 19, just a day after she returned to the facility. Winehouse and her hubby had said that they left for London to fetch a guitar.

“The couple’s constant fights were spoiling the centre’s ambience and a source said that though Winehouse would be welcomed back, Fielder-Civil might not get a similar reception. The source added that everyone is worried that the two will get back to their druggy habits.

“‘It is supposed to be a peaceful backdrop to help people deal with their problems. But Amy and Blake kept rowing and spoiling the ambience,’ the Sun quoted the source, as saying. ‘While Amy would be welcomed back with open arms, I’m not sure they’d say the same for Blake. ‘

“‘Everyone is really worried that if they are let loose in London again they’ll just go straight back to their old druggy habits. ‘”

[From Daily India]

It appears that Blake is making things very difficult for everyone around Amy, including staff at the clinic, and at the hospital where she was treated for an overdose. Amy’s mom, Janis, gave a very long interview to the Daily Mail on Saturday. It sounds like she’s given up on Amy to a certain extent, or at least distanced herself emotionally. When the subject of Blake came up, Janis Winehouse responded, “I think it’s a case of the less said the better.” I have yet to figure out what the guy brings to the table. According to Daily India’s article, he’s really upset Amy’s family and general staff that have had to deal with him. I’m really curious to hear what he’s done that aggravates everyone. All they say are generic things that could mean almost anything.

“The source also said that Fielder-Civil’s behaviour shows why the soul star’s family wants her to seek ‘help without him’.

“’He upset people in The Causeway with his behaviour. It was the same when she was in hospital. He really upset the staff and wasn’t very welcome there either,’ the source added.

“’They spent half their time arguing rather than concentrating on the job in hand. Of course it must be stressful being with your partner while trying to sort out something so personal and difficult.’

“’But this just shows why the family are so desperate for her to get help without him.’

“Winehouse and her hubby checked into rehab after a massive showdown involving the couple’s families. “

[From Daily India]

I don’t know much about rehab, but I’ve never heard of someone doing it with their partner. I imagine that article has it spot on – it’s a very personal process. I would think that bringing the drama and complications of a relationship so directly into rehab would make an already difficult process nearly impossible. I’m sure people’s relationships are at issue no matter what – but going there with your spouse? What if your spouse is really the problem? It seems like a lot of sources are hinting that Blake is there to try to keep Amy from getting better.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Amy at a Camden magazine shop this past weekend. According to Splash, “Astonished onlookers witnessed the troubled singer whip a magazine off a shop shelf in Camden, North London, and leave, apparently without paying. After paying for a few items, the Back to Black star furtively glanced over her shoulder before grabbing a copy of the New Musical Express from the shelf and leaving.” Image thanks to Splash Photos. Header image from Lollapalooza. Image thanks to PR Photos.

In “duh” news, Us Weekly has a story claiming that Ryan Phillippe doesn’t like ex Reese Witherspoon’s sorta boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal. Is that supposed to be surprising? By most accounts Phillippe cheated on Witherspoon, so it seems like he should keep his opinions to himself. I must be blind or really naive, but what’s not to like about Jake Gyllenhaal, other than the fact that he’s dating your ex-wife? He’s not exactly a rebel; he seems reasonably smart and nice. I’ve heard he can be a bit bossy, but that’s not the end of the world. It’s likely just jealousy crap. See, guys can be bitchy too!

“Ryan Phillippe hasn’t exactly offered a warm welcome to ex Reese Witherspoon’s off-again, on-again guy, Jake Gyllenhaal, 26. ‘Ryan is pissed about Jake,’ a Phillippe insider tells Us Weekly, adding that Phillippe, 32, told Witherspoon, 31, ‘he didn’t want “that guy” around their kids [son Deacon, 3, and daughter Ava, 7] and then made some crude Brokeback Mountain remark.’

“However, a Gyllenspoon source tells Us that ‘Reese doesn’t have Jake spend the night when the kids are around.’ And though the actor may be angry that Witherspoon is moving on, his feelings for Aussie actress Abbie Cornish, 25, are less conflicted. Phillippe was seeing his Stop Loss costar at the time of his split from Witherspoon last October (his rep denied any relationship), and while the twosome seemed to cool after his marriage broke up, a source close to the couple tells Us, ‘They have been hanging out [again] since June.’”

“On August 5, the pair were seen strolling together in L.A.’s Franklin Canyon Park. ‘They were laughing,’ says an onlooker, ‘and obviously enjoying themselves.’”

[From Us Weekly]

A “Brokeback Mountain” joke, really? That’s pretty lame. Reese also seems pretty uptight and proper (I mean that in a good way, you don’t see it a lot in Hollywood) and she and Jake seem like a match that makes sense. Ryan Phillippe never seemed to have a lot of substance, and his supposed jealousy of Reese wasn’t exactly helpful to their relationship. I think the reason everyone got so excited at the prospect of Reese and Jake dating is that they seem like such a cute match. He’s said to love kids, she’s got ‘em, it’s a match made in heaven. Okay really, it’s impossible to know, but let’s hope that Ryan is able to be a little more mature, for the sake of their kids. It’s pretty rare that you have a Bruce Willis/Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher situation where everyone loves each other and they become one giant extended family. I hope this couple sticks around, they’re adorable.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal at LAX a few months ago. Header image of Reese and Ryan in happier days, at the “Walk the Line” premiere. Image thanks to PR Photos.