Heidi Montag has the kind of delusional self-esteem that leads people to attempt to (unsuccessfully) take over nations. Just no sense of reality. Which means she’s perfect for reality television. Montag has had a delightfully failing music “career.” Which really is much too strong a word, even with the quotations marks. Her first single “Higher” was laughed right off the internet – as was the home-movie video that boyfriend Spencer Pratt filmed for it.

Despite being not just a failure but considered lower than K-Fed in terms of music credibility (and that’s one of the few positions under failure on the success ladder), Montag has decided she wants to put out a new album – a Christian album, no less. The best response I could think of was something Tina Fey’s character said on 30 Rock: “If reality TV has taught us anything it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down”

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist.”

Montag — who just released her latest single “Fashion” and frequently reads the Bible — says she even wants to record a Christian album.

She adds that she once planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa. She and beau Spencer Pratt — who just attacked Mary-Kate Olsen after she said he had a bad temper in high school — will head there in August to “feed children and help build things.”

Of [Lauren] Conrad’s claim that Montag spread those sex tape rumors, Montag says: “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

[From Us Weekly]

Heidi Montag says she’s the MOST religious person? Out of… who?? The other girls on The Hills? Or the whole world? Or ever? I mean, she is the most.

But you know, this all makes a lot of sense. Jesus was really into fashion. In fact He placed a pretty high level of importance on it in the Bible. I think it’s in the book of Chanel. Here’s the problem: Heidi Montag should not be recording any album. End of story. I’m pretty sure you can find that buried somewhere in the Bible if you look hard enough.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer – as well as Heidi performing with Tracy Morgan at the Boost Mobile Rock Corps at the Gibson Amphitheatre in Los Angeles on June 20th. Images thanks to WENN.

It’s probably technically not fair – or at least accurate – to already be speculating about what ended Madonna’s marriage to Guy Ritchie. I mean they haven’t actually announced anything yet. But it seems about as close to a done deal as you can get without actually releasing a press release. Rumors about marriage tensions have dogged the couple for… well practically since the beginning of their marriage. Not because there necessarily were problems for the start; I think it’s just that most people couldn’t fathom the man that could be married to someone like Madonna.

Most of us gossip watchers learned long ago not to give too much credibility to rumors about marriage troubles. But things have really heated up in the past month, with Madonna bringing her family to New York – and no Guy in sight. Then word came out that she had consulted several prominent divorce attorneys – and he has too.

The Sun claims that Kabbalah is what put a big strain on the power couple’s marriage.

Guy Ritchie and Madonna’s marriage has been thrown deeper into meltdown after he told her he’s quitting Kabbalah. Madge has become increasingly involved with the mystical Jewish religion, but her film director husband is a step closer to hitting the road after losing his faith. Friends say his recent revelation has widened the gap between the pair, who are leading separate lives despite officially remaining man and wife.

Now a source close to the couple has revealed: “Guy has turned his back on Kabbalah once and for all. “He has gone hot and cold on the religion in the past, but now he’s given up on it altogether. It has always been her thing and is more a part of her life than ever. Guy threw himself into it at first and even filled his movie Revolver with obscure references to the faith.

“He was genuinely into it and it helped the bond between them. But then he backtracked a little with his gestures of public backing, like wearing the bracelet, because he didn’t like being such a high-profile follower. He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money. But he always told Madonna he had kept his faith — until now.

“A few weeks ago he told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well.”

[From The Sun]

Of all the people I’d be afraid to piss off; Madonna’s got to be at the top of the list. I would seriously, seriously consider lying about my religion before I’d consider making those muscles angry. Ethics be damned. Frankly I’m surprised she and guy haven’t gone ahead and released a statement about their inevitable parting and how they still love each other and will remain best friends. But I’ll bet we’ll have one to write about within the next two weeks. Or a fortnight, as Madge would say.

Here’s Madonna arriving for Kabbalah in New York City without a wedding ring on last night. Images thanks to Splash.

The Love Guru stinks on a level previously untouched by anything other than I Know Who Killed Me. Everyone is slamming the movie – in fact it’s received some of the harshest, most vivid criticism I’ve read in years. The film came in fifth on its opening weekend at the box office – and even that was surprising. The film was released right after a scathing Entertainment Weekly story about what a jerk Mike Myers is.

On top of that, the film had already been harshly criticized and boycotted by Hindus. Now Catholics are jumping on the bandwagon, calling the film morally offensive. I can’t help but agree that it’s offensive – if for no other reason than it apparently sucks worse than anything. Ever.

A leading Catholic group has come to the aid of America’s Hindus who are boycotting Mike Myers’ new film The Love Guru - because religious officials have found the film to be “morally offensive.” The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (Usccb) has slapped the comedy with its highest classification.

Hindu leader Rajan Zed, who has been leading the outcry about the new film, is thrilled that other religious officials are taking his concerns seriously - branding the new ‘O’ rating the Catholics have given the movie a “remarkable interfaith gesture”.

Rajan Zed says, “We are thankful to the Conference of Catholic Bishops for having a feel for the pain of the Hindu and spiritual community by categorizing The Love Guru as morally offensive.” Zed called for a full Hindu boycott of the film because it allegedly uses Hindu concepts and Hindu terms frivolously. He asked other religious groups to lend their support.

He adds, “Today it is Hinduism, tomorrow Hollywood might attempt to denigrate another religion.” Prominent Jewish Rabbi, Elizabeth W. Beyer of Nevada, has already called for a boycott of The Love Guru because the film “lampoons Hinduism, mocks Ashram life and Hindu philosophy.”

[From WENN via IMDB]

Part of the Catholic’s issue with the film is that it’s “vulgar and tasteless” (but to be fair, a lot of things are) and that it “wallows in endless penis jokes and fairly yucky potty humor.” I didn’t know bishops were supposed to say “yucky.” But if it’s so bad that you’re resorting to speaking like a three-year-old, that really says something for just how crappy this film really is.

After reading about what a jerk Mike Myers is, I’m really happy that his movie is doing so poorly. Egos like his are beyond ridiculous. That whole thing about him making an intern at Conan O’Brien’s show go out and get him raspberry seltzer – and then making the guy go out again because it wasn’t the brand Myers likes – really made me wish plagues and boils on him. Or at least a lack of financial success. So one of my dreams is coming true.

While most celebrity couples seem to run right out and get married as soon as someone accidentally gets pregnant, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have kept their relationship status quo. Though they’ve long been rumored to be kind of/sort of engaged, they’ve yet to announce anything official, and it doesn’t appear that they have any concrete wedding plans.

It often seems like the pair isn’t quite certain of their union. To be sure, Nicole has had a very rebellious past, whereas Joel has lived a life a bit more on the straight and narrow, despite being a musician. Before Nicole, Joel dated Hillary Duff for a long time. That’s quite a leap, in terms of different personalities.

The National Enquirer says the holdup is Nicole’s lack of religion. Joel wants her to convert to Christianity before they get married. And it sounds like he doesn’t want it just as a formality, but truly wants her to find God and faith before he commits to spending the rest of his life with her.

“Joel is determined not to marry Nicole until she asks forgiveness for her sins and is willing to raise little Harlow with the same religious upbringing that he had,” a source told The Enquirer. “Joel may look like a rebel, but the truth is he is an old-fashioned conservative guy with hardcore Christian beliefs.

“… The Bible is a big part of his life - so much so that he has a tattoo of Jesus and a Sacred Heart on his arms. Joel went to church regularly as a kid and he believes that God has made him what he is today. He has seen all the problems that spoiled Hollywood children like Nicole encountered, and is determined to prevent Harlow from being the stereotypical Beverly Hills brat.”

In an attempt to break from her checkered past of rehab stints, drunk driving and drug arrests, Nicole has already begun her spiritual transformation, says a close friend. And insiders say she couldn’t be happier. “It looks like Nicole is on the way to fully embracing Joel’s religious beliefs,” said the friend. “She knows how great her life has become thanks to him.”

As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. “Joel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,” continued the source…. “As much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,” added the source. “Bottom line, he wants a Christian family.”

[From the National Enquirer, June 16, 2008, print ed.]

The Enquirer makes it sound like Nicole Richie is alright with converting, but it also sounds like Joel is putting a lot of pressure on her. That’s not exactly the best way to find true faith – that’s something a person has to come to on their own terms. It does seem like Joel has been nothing but a good influence on Nicole – but I’m still not completely convinced that she’s appreciative of that influence.

It often seems like she’s not ready to settle down yet – especially given the many reports that she’s having trouble adjusting to motherhood and not going out and partying as much. It seems like a lot of things have changed super fast in Nicole’s life, and probably earlier than she had planned. Hopefully she’ll be able to figure out what’s best for her family.

Here’s Nicole and Joel out for a stroll with baby Harlow on May 20th. Images thanks to Splash.

Brigette Bardot in the 1960s

French actress and general rabble-rouser Brigitte Bardot, 73, is on trial this week for inciting racial hatred in France. And this is not the first time Bardot has been on trial – since 1997, she’s been fined four times for breaking France’s strict antiracism laws. Bardot isn’t one of those silly little Hollywood types that gets her law breaking urges out of the way with a common DUI. Instead she writes angry letters about Muslims – sometimes using an animal-rights activist angle, and sometimes railing against them just because.

France (and much of the countries in Europe) has very strict antiracism laws. It is against the law to incite racial or religious discrimination or hatred of any sort. Bardot’s current trial came about after she wrote a letter in 2004 to current president (then Interior Minister) Nicolas Sarkozy in which she railed against the Muslim festival of Eid-al-Kabir. The festival traditionally includes the slaughtering of a sheep.

In the letter, which was later published in the quarterly journal belonging to Bardot’s eponymous animal-welfare foundation, the …And God Created Woman star attributed France’s perceived decline to its growing Muslim population. “I am fed up with being under the thumb of this population which is destroying us, destroying our country and imposing its acts,” Bardot wrote. The activist group Movement Against Racism and for Friendship between Peoples, or MRAP, filed suit against her last year.

The former screen siren has been fined four times since 1997 for violating France’s strict antiracism laws, which prohibit the incitement of religious or racial hatred and discrimination. Bardot’s first conviction came for a letter published in the newspaper El Figaro in which she complained about a large influx of Muslims contributing to “foreign overpopulation.”

[From E!]

The assistant prosecutor of Bardot’s case noted that she was getting pretty tired of dealing with her. She asked the judge for a fine of about $24,000 and a suspended two-month prison sentence. Something tells me that won’t make Brigitte Bardot keep her thoughts to herself. It’s hard to tell if her issue is just over the animals, or about Muslims in general. From the brief mention of her first letter, it seems that she has some issues with both.

Brigette Bardot in 1990

A Baptist website says that an e-mail going around that warns Christians of the dangers of paying attention to Oprah’s harmful new age doctrine through her promotion of “A Course in Miracles” is accurate. New Age guru Marianne Williamson wrote the book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, which is now being widely popularized by Oprah with visits by Williamson on her show and radio program. Author James A. Smith Sr. calls Oprah a “pied piper of heresies” and says “It’s time for Christians to just say no to the big O” or they’re going to hell.

In America’s celebrity-driven culture, perhaps the most harmful “Pied Piper” of heresies leading millions astray is Oprah Winfrey. Her adoption of anti-biblical doctrine is on display every day this year through her satellite radio network channel “Oprah & Friends.” It’s time for Christians to “just say no” to the big “O.”…

Although New Agers rely upon many sources, ACIM is among the most popular. New Age guru Marianne Williamson is responsible for popularizing the work through her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, while Oprah is to be credited with launching Williamson’s career through her appearances on Winfrey’s talk show.

And now, Williamson is one of the featured stars on the “Oprah & Friends” channel on XM Satellite Radio, reprising her role as advocate of ACIM through a year-long series on the course…

Contrary to the Bible’s clear teaching that our guilt is the result of the fact that we truly are sinners, separated from God by our sin, and rightfully under God’s judgment for our sin, ACIM teaches that we must realize “all guilt is solely an invention of your mind” and in this realization is salvation.

Warren Smith has helpfully summarized some of the other false doctrine of the course in the previously referenced article:

“There is no sin.”

“Do not make the pathetic error of ‘clinging to the old rugged cross.’”

“The name of Jesus Christ as such is but a symbol…. It is a symbol that is safely used as a replacement for the many names of all the gods to which you pray.”

“God is in everything I see.”

[The Apostle] Peter’s warnings [against false teachers] are clearly applicable to Oprah, Williamson and A Course in Miracles for undermining the faith with a false gospel and counterfeit “Jesus,” which in the end bring no actual spiritual nourishment or relief. Tragically, these teachers are leading people straight to Hell.

Christians should flee from Oprah and her cohorts and recommitment [sic] themselves to careful Bible study, in the context of a local body of believers with whom they have covenanted for mutual edification and accountability led by a faithful pastor. Of course, this isn’t as glamorous as Oprah—but neither is eternal punishment in Hell.

[From FloridaBaptistWitness.com via National Enquirer, print edition, April 6, 2008]

This same Baptist author is against including gays in Baptist events, opposes stem cell research, and wants creationism to be taught in school, so it’s not like I would normally agree with any of his viewpoints, but anyone that calls out Oprah deserves some kind of recognition. Maybe if more Christians unite against Oprah she’ll be forced into retirement, relying on her hokey new age belief system to somehow get through the day without constant adulation from the middle class female masses.

Today the Daily News reported on an interesting story about a Hasidic actor who was forced to drop out of Natalie Portman’s most recent movie. “New York I Love You” is a film featuring twelve short love stories. Abe Karpen, 25, had to drop out after being ostracized and receiving threats from the Hasidic community. Karpen is a married father of 3, and works as a kitchen cabinet salesman. It’s not clear exactly how he came to be involved in the project, but according to several in the Hasidic community, he should have known better – Hasids are not allowed to watch movies or television, so appearing in them is obviously not a good idea. Trouble first started when Karpen refused to hold Natalie Portman’s hand in the film. Portman plays his wife – and he explained that he’s not even allowed to hold his real wife’s hand in public. Soon Karpen backed out of the film altogether, after receiving much criticism and even threats that his children would be taken out of their religious school.

“I am backing out of the movie,” said Karpen, a kitchen cabinet salesman. “It’s not acceptable in my community. It’s a lot of pressure I am getting. They [the rabbis] didn’t like the idea of a Hasidic guy playing in Hollywood. I have my kids in religious schools and the rabbi called me over yesterday and said in order for me to keep my kids in the school I have to do what they tell me and back out,” Karpen said.

While news of Karpen’s withdrawal sent waves of disappointment through the movie set, the Hasidic community was up in arms over Karpen’s acting gig - forcing him to flee for the weekend, a friend said. “This is when I woke up and saw that I made a big mistake. My kids mean everything to me and my community where I live means everything to me,” said Karpen, who comes from a prominent Williamsburg, Brooklyn, family.

His longtime friend Levi Okunov said the Karpens had to flee the city for the weekend. “The community wants to kill him,” he said. Hasidic community activist Isaac Weinberger said Karpen should have known better. “We don’t watch television. We don’t go to the movies, so to be in a movie is the worst thing. It’s a shame for any Hasid,” he said.

[From the New York Daily News]

Karpen did praise Natalie Portman and her acting. He said the two spoke in Hebrew, and Portman told him she wanted to become more religious. He said he didn’t even realize Portman was a big Hollywood star. This story is interesting, and it’s a bit challenging to comment appropriately on someone’s religion. All communities have their own standards, and certainly the Hasidic community’s are much more stringent than most of us are used to. Matisyahu, the Hasidic rapper who had a Top 40 hit a few years ago, hasn’t seen this kind of backlash from the Hasidic community, from what I’ve been able to ascertain. However until recently he was with a Jewish record label. To me it seems a little sad that Karpen received this level of backlash for taking the role.

Lindsay Lohan’s dad Micheal never hesitates to get all preachy or to talk about his famous daughter if it will get him some press. He found God while in jail for multiple charges including assault and drunk driving. In March, 2007 he got out after less than two years served out of a four year sentence and was anxious to re-connect with his daughter and remain in the public eye. He now works for a spiritual-based rehab clinic and even got ordained as a minister. Good for him for turning his life around and all, but he’s got the same fame whore bug as his ex-wife and two daughters and can’t shut up.

Michael Lohan said recently that he worries for Lindsay because she’s taking the same prescription medications that killed Heath Ledger. And as for his ex-wife’s new reality show in which his other kids star, he said that Lindsay won’t be doing the show, because she’s “a silver screen star,” and an “actress” and that “I don’t think the reality genre is a place for her.”

Back in January, Lindsay’s dad said he was looking for the dealers who sold her the drugs that made her go to rehab, and said “God is going to get even with this guy. He’s destroyed a lot of lives.”

How interesting to learn that Lindsay’s God-fearing dad was enjoying the company of some strippers along with a bunch of his buddies:

Michael Lohan - newly ordained as a minister and actually running a rehab facility these days - made a… pilgrimage to Manhattan strip emporium Rick’s Cabaret, where he flashed a big wad o’ cash and treated two buddies to a sizzling string of in-your-face lap dances! My Spywitness reports Preacher Lohan didn’t drink booze with his pals or order private dances, but he sneaked peeks at the action - and spent nearly an hour lost in conversation with a hot brunette dancer - salvaging her soul, no doubt.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, Mike Walker’s column, March 17, 2008]

I’m no expert on religion, but don’t they generally preach against strip clubs and all the debauchery that goes along with paying women to get naked for you? Maybe Michael Lohan was there on a mission to save some strippers from their wanton lives, picking up a girlfriend or two in the process.

Michael Lohan is shown at the premiere of “High School Confidential” on Wednesday. Header image via D-Listed.

Paris Hilton continues on her never ending quest to appear to have depth. Unfortunately when you’re as shallow as Paris, there’s not much to work with. Remember her planned trip to Africa to feed starving orphans (or some such cliché)? Well that didn’t exactly pan out… you know because it was hard… but luckily Paris has stumbled upon the next best way to look deep. She’s teamed up with a fake guru to wander the streets of L.A., holding metaphysical books and looking pained. Oh Paris, you’re so unique.

Always one to take the road less traveled Paris Hilton has stepped out with the latest fashion must-have - her very own Buddhist monk, complete with flowing orange robes and a mane of grey hair. The bizarre duo were spotted wandering around LA, taking time to pop into a spiritual book shop and a luxury hotel.

The 27-year-old went for and understated look, with a demure white outfit as she browsed the shelves of the Bodhi Tree bookstore. The hotel-heiress has been attempting change her party-girl image and it looks as if the ageing monk is giving her a helping hand.

Paris and her “guru” sat down to read a book called “The Path to the Painted Shaman” and the Hollywood celebrity appeared to be listening intently to what he had to say. The monk also persuaded Paris to give away a piece of diamond jewelery as they wandered the streets together.

[From the Daily Mail]

I’m sure it was just good quality cubic zirconia. I doubt Paris Hilton would give away diamonds for anything – though I’d really like to know who she supposedly gave them to. Was it a street person, or just some random passerby? Did the person ask for it, or was the guru bringing it up at random? The best part is that the guru isn’t a guru at all – he’s an actor.

So you didn’t think Paris Hilton was phony enough? Her “Guru” that has supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor. His name is Maxie Santillan. He’s starred in tons of films and TV shows including “My Name is Earl” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.” According to IMDB, Maxie’s latest projects are all in “post production” so clearly he has enough free time to whore it up for Paris.

BTW, Maxie’s MySpace profile quote makes it clear — he’s the perfect spiritual guide for Paris. It reads, “Burbank can kiss my a**.”

[From TMZ]

There’s no way to ascertain whether Paris knows Santillan is an actor or if she thinks he’s really a monk. I really really really hope this is for an upcoming episode of Punk’d or something. Which I don’t think is even on anymore, but if there was anyone who deserves to be Punk’d, it’s definitely Paris. She’d laugh like she was in on it the whole time, but only because she has no idea what’s going on, and in that type of situation it’s always best to laugh.

Paris is shown out with her “Shaman” on 3/1/08. She is also shown in 944 Magazine. If I had a dollar for every time a guru told me to dress like that…

For five months along, Nicole Kidman sure is doing a good job of hiding her growing stomach. Especially because it seems from these pictures that she’s not trying to hide it at all. Nicole is supposedly five months along. I am no pregnancy expert, but I had no idea a person could have such a small stomach at that point. That’s what J-Lo looked like 48 hours after conception. I have don’t know what’s going on here, but something is fishy. Nicole was out and about promoting her film “The Golden Compass” in Japan. Depending on who you believe, the film supposedly promotes atheism.

“These books denigrate Christianity, thrash the Catholic Church and sell the virtues of atheism,” asserted [Bill Donohue, president and CEO] of Catholic League, who earlier this month called on Christians to boycott the movie.”

[From the Christian Post]

Interestingly, Nicole said that both of her children, who are being raised as Scientologists by ex-husband Tom Cruise, have seen the film. One would think this could cause quite the parental skirmish between the former spouses. Though Scientologists aren’t Christians, many say that the film promotes atheism on the whole. However it should also be mentioned that Nicole has said she considers herself Catholic, and yet she starred in the film.

In the story, a malevolent governing body called “the Church,” which answers to the “Vatican Council,” is known to kidnap children for experimentation. With the help of a golden compass that reveals a coded answer to any question asked by the user, Lyra, by the trilogy’s end, gets to the bottom of the missing children and kills a character called “God.”

[From the Christian Post]

“The Golden Compass” sounds very interested and complicated – surprisingly so for a children’s movie. Nicole said both her kids have seen it, and she’s glad to make a kid’s movie once in a while.

During the press conference, the five-month pregnant star revealed she had deliberately chosen The Golden Compass script because it’s child-friendly.

She said: “My Bella and Connor are 13 and 15. So they have seen the film and they loved it… my child inside won’t see the film for a long time.”

“But I think once you have children you want to balance the work you do because they give up so much of you to your work. So occasionally you want to make films that they can take their friends to, they can go to the premiere of, that they celebrate.”

[From the Daily Mail]

I can’t help but wonder how much Nicole runs by Tom and visa versa. I would love to know what went on behind closed doors in terms of Connor and Isabella’s religious upbringing. Since her divorce, Nicole has gently said that she considers Scientology to be hogwash, and always did. Her father is a very prominent Australian psychologist, and Scientologists are famously opposed to psychiatry. However her kids were obviously already being raised as such, so whether due to Tom’s insistence or Nicole’s acquiescence, their kids still go to Scientology camp every summer. It’s hard not to wonder if “The Golden Compass” got them thinking. Reading about it has gotten me thinking too. Though I’m still mostly thinking about Nicole Kidman’s confusing lack of visible stomach.

Nicole Kidman is shown at a press conference for The Golden Compass in Tokyo yesterday.