As we all know by now, Scarlett Johansson is in a dong haze with Sean Penn. She’s enamored by his toupee, she’s enchanted by his chain smoking, she giggles over his douchery. Their romance has been documented by every outlet, and random reports about their outings are now commonplace. But this one, from the Enquirer’s gossip column by Mike Walker, is especially gross. Apparently, ScarJo and Sean went to eat at Madeo, and they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Literally, eyewitnesses described ScarJo and Sean as “groping” each other. Ugh. I just flashed on a mental image of Sean’s smoky, crusty balls. *shiver*

Getting more action in restaurants than many do in bedrooms, SEAN PENN and SCARLETT JOHANSSON are Hollywood’s Hottest Couple after kicking off a sizzling May-December romance that began when ScarJo, 26, was photographed putting her best foot forward – and into Sean’s 50-year-old lap – during a sexy LA lunch…then my spies spotted them canoodling relentlessly over dinner at swanky Madeo!

Even though two pals were with them, the steamy duo groped, smooched and stroked – but when the meal ended, Sean suddenly wanted to change tables for dessert.

Why? Said My SpyWitness: “They were at the best table in the house, but it’s smack in the center, and Sean was annoyed by lookey-loo diners sneaking peeks. There wasn’t an empty table to be had – but Sean sent a hostess to tell three girls in a corner booth that if they’d switch tables, he’d pay for dinner.”

Giggling, the girls agreed! They trooped to Sean’s table as his party scrunched into the booth, which was a tight fit – but it didn’t cramp the lovers’ style.

“Sean and Scarlett kissed and petted like their pals weren’t even there,” said my source. “When the evening ended and the lovebirds exited, a waiter handed the three girls a check holder – but there was no bill inside; just a note from Sean that read: ‘Thank you!’”

[From The National Enquirer]

So, ScarJo is definitely in a dong haze, that much is for sure. But is Sean also in a ScarJo-biscuit haze? I think he might be. To a point. I think he’s loving every minute of having this young, nubile starlet clinging to his every word, thought and action. But for Sean, every day brings a new Cinco de Mayo party in his pants. He’s going to continue to screw around with randoms, and ScarJo will either have to deal with the fact that this really isn’t a serious relationship, or she’ll try to make him “settle”. Or, hidden option 3: ScarJo knows this isn’t serious, and she’s fine with him screwing around, and she’s screwing around too.

By the way, that’s Sean and Robin’s son Hopper in the photo.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

I’m honestly not even mad at Scarlett Johansson. I have no illusions about what kind of girl she is, and I’m not saying that in a judgy slut-shamer way. ScarJo likes to get laid. ScarJo is fun. She’s a good-time girl who is single again after being married to a surly douche for several years. She’s entitled to go out there and date/screw whoever she wants, and I would find it more shocking if she wasn’t dating someone wildly inappropriate. So ScarJo’s two-month long liaison with Sean Penn hasn’t surprised me whatsoever. What does surprise me is that ScarJo doesn’t seem to be hitting it and quitting it. The girl actually seems to… like Sean. Well, she has a type, right? Surly douches are her biscuit Kryptonite. According to People Magazine (you have to read the subtext), ScarJo is in a dong haze:

It wasn’t an intimate, one-on-one dinner date, but Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn seemed very much a couple when they joined a small group of friends for dinner Saturday night in West Hollywood.

“They were smiles all night and seemed to have a great time together,” a source at the restaurant tells PEOPLE. “Scarlett and Sean sat very closely and exchanged flirty looks.”

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, enjoyed an Italian feast at Cecconi’s West Hollywood, where they shared pasta and fish dishes washed down with wine, a source tells PEOPLE.

Adds the source: “Scarlett acted very intrigued by him. She would smile, nod her head and just listen to his stories.”

The pair previously cozied up for a more intimate dinner earlier this month at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, the hotel where the actress has been staying while filming We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Rumors about the two being a couple first swirled in January, just a month after the actress’s December split from her husband, Ryan Reynolds.

Talk of a budding romance heated up when the two took a short and sweet getaway to Mexico at the beginning of January.

In February, a rep for Johansson told PEOPLE the pair are “nothing more, nothing less” than friends.

[From People]

“Scarlett acted very intrigued by him. She would smile, nod her head and just listen to his stories.” UGH. As I said before, if it’s just sex, I’m cool with that. I would imagine that for all of his douchey qualities, Sean Penn is probably pretty good in bed. But now it seems more and more like ScarJo is actually falling for him. Like, she’s so dumb that she thinks Sean is all “deep” and “brilliant” and crap. Girl, there are other dongs out there.

Oh, and X17 has photos of ScarJo sitting in Sean’s lap in the backseat of the car as they left the restaurant. You know ScarJo probably wasn’t wearing panties, right? Ugh. Gross.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

When a celebrity’s boyfriend or girlfriend gets a “five things you didn’t know about” or a “get to know” segment in People, you can bet it’s been signed off on or even planted by their publicist. In Ryan Reynold’s case we’ve been hearing plenty about his estranged wife Scarlett Johansson’s strange relationship with king curmudgeon Sean Penn, so it’s time for him to say “see, I’m dating a hot German model!” He is, and his people want us to know that she’s more than just a pretty young thing:

Two months after they announced their split after more than two years of marriage, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are both moving on – but with very different types of people.

Johansson has been spending time with Hollywood heavyweight and activist Sean Penn, while Reynolds has been spotted getting cozy with a more low-profile lady, model Agnes Fischer.

Reynolds, 35, and Fischer were recently seen together in South Africa, where he’s filming Safe House. And while Fischer is relatively unknown, the size-six German model has an impressive resumé. Here are 5 things to know about her.

She’s Diverse
The 5’8″ blonde has been in ads for Bebe, Reebok, Sure deodorant and Adidas sportswear. She also graced the cover of Shape magazine in 2007, the U.K.’s Health & Fitness magazine the following year, and has appeared on several covers of South Africa’s Runner’s World magazine.

She’s Outdoorsy
Fischer stays in tip-top shape by participating many sports. “I do running, cycling (race & mountain bike), scuba-diving, climbing, snowboarding, skiing, inline-skating, yoga, aerobics,” she writes on her Web site.

She’s Been Banned by MTV
Reynolds isn’t the first celebrity to brush elbows with Fischer. Last year, the model appeared in 30 Seconds to Mars’s 13-minute bondage-themed music video for “Hurricane,” which was banned by MTV in December for being too explicit. In the video, Fischer stabs, handcuffs and kisses Shannon Leto, brother of the band’s lead singer Jared Leto.

She’s a Small-Town Girl
The beauty often works winters as a model in South Africa – where she was spotted with Reynolds – but Fischer is German, born in the small Bavarian town of Furth im Wald (population only 9,045).

She’s a Pisces
Fischer reportedly turns 25 this week, on Friday, March 11.

[From People]

I was initially confusing this blonde short-haired German model Agnes with that very tall blonde short-haired British model Agyness Deyn. Obviously they’re different Agneseses.

See – Ryan Reynolds has a girlfriend too, he’s not pining for Scarlett. The more he tries to convince us the more it looks like he is. Can you imagine if you went through a public divorce like this and saw photos of your ex on vacation with someone else? Even if you were glad to be rid of them it might sting. You’d want to get a new partner and parade them around too, so I can’t blame Reynolds for this Poor rejected Ryan Reynolds has to console himself in the arms of a hot 25 year-old German model. Do you think he’s going to jump right back into another long term relationship? I do.

This might be the one for Ryan too. She looks a lot like him, doesn’t she? We’re attracted to people who look like us, and there’s even a new website coming out that helps match users with people who share the most facial characteristics.

Some photos credit: PRPhotos and WENN.com

Star & Us Weekly both have stories about Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn’s whirlwind romance this week. Apparently, things are heating up at a rapid pace. First there was flirting at some parties, and then there was some foot-to-crotch nuzzling, and then there was a romantic jaunt to Mexico where, according to Hollywood Life, ScarJo and Sean “arrived at the Las Ventanas al Paraiso resort a little after midnight and did not emerge from their room until 2 that afternoon!” HL’s sources even say that Scar prefers Sean to Ryan Reynolds because Sean “lifts her spirits” and “He’ll do anything she wants to make her happy.” Wow, even though I think they are a really gross couple, I have to admit, I bet the sex is really, really hot.

But not so fast! You want sexy? I’ll give you tobacco-laced romance, curtsey of Us Weekly/Jezebel. According to Us Weekly’s source in Mexico, “They were acting like teenagers in love and were all over each other… Kissing a lot and chain-smoking.” Ew. And a source close to ScarJo says, “She’s head over heels, he feels like the luckiest man alive.” Double ew.

Meanwhile, Star Magazine claims that ScarJo was the one pursuing Sean… which I believe. An insider tells the magazine, “she was definitely the aggressor…she looks to Sean as an older, sexy, college-professor type. She thinks he’s a genius and she’s totally into him.” I believe that too. ScarJo isn’t very bright, and I could see how she would think Sean was some kind of misunderstood rebel/genius. Apparently, their relationship began when ScarJo was researching Haiti for an upcoming Oxfam trip she’s making. Oh, and both Sean and Scar are fine with this relationship being somewhat temporary. Says a source: “Sean has told ScarJo upfront that he’ll never settle down again — he wants to be a bachelor…. [which is fine because Scarlett is] still at the stage where she wants to sow her wild oats, especially after the divorce.”

Also: as I was looking up photos of Sean, it suddenly became clear to me: that is one AWFUL toupee. I sent a photo to CB and now she can’t stop laughing at him.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Scarlett Johansson has been boning Sean Penn. I think we’ve established that at this point. First came the tabloid rumors (which in retrospect, seem dead on), then the photo of ScarJo’s rubbing her foot on Sean Penn’s dong, and then the report and photos of Sean and ScarJo on their brief jaunt to Mexico last week. So… boning. But what is still up in air is just how serious all of this is. I asked last week whether ScarJo was really loved-up, whether this was some kind of romance, or whether it was just sex. My opinion, at the time, was that I was kind of worried that ScarJo might actually have feelings for Sean. I could forgive the relationship if it was just about sex – after all, girl needs to get laid, and I’m guessing Sean is WAY better than Ryan Reynolds. But romance? Ugh. Anyway, Page Six had an interesting little tidbit this morning… apparently, ScarJo is also seeing Jeremy Renner on the down-low too?

Following rumors of a hook-up with Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson shared friendly drinks with “Hurt Locker” star Jeremy Renner Friday night. The pair, who appeared to be “good friends,” were spotted with a group at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, just days after Johansson and Penn shared a cozy lunch at LA Cuban restaurant Versailles and then reportedly took an overnight getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Meanwhile Johansson’s ex, Ryan Reynolds, seems to have found romance with stunning German model Agnes Fischer after they were seen flirting over lunch in Cape Town, South Africa, where he is filming the thriller “Safe House.”

[From Page Six]

Well, that doesn’t really sound like they’re hooking up, but hey, anything is possible. Especially when you’re talking about ScarJo. I’ve been kind of amazed with how many men Scar has been “rumored with” since her split with Ryan. Some of it is simply the tabloids putting her with any available man she’s anywhere near. But part of it is also that ScarJo seems like the kind of girl who is up for it, you know? And she’s not sitting at home, throwing a pity party. She’s out there with different men seemingly every week. ‘Atta girl.

One last piece of ScarJo news – there are rumors floating around that Scar might be headed back to Broadway. She recently did a reading of The Philadelphia Story with Jon Hamm and John Krasinski, and now people think that ScarJo and the boys will be doing a revival of the celebrated play. WITH SCARJO AS TRACY LORD. Ugh. But The Hamm as C.K. Dexter Haven?!? Oh, YES.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

So, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are boning. It’s official now. Us Weekly reported it about four weeks ago, much to the dismay of ScarJo’s rep, who issued a denial to Gossip Cop (reps lie, how shocking). Then on Tuesday, TMZ got their hands on a photo of ScarJo and Sean eating lunch together – with ScarJo’s foot on Sean’s dong. Okay, maybe that was too graphic, but it wasn’t like she had her foot on his knee, it was definitely in the crotch area (swimsuit area?). Now People Magazine (for goodness sake) reports that ScarJo and Sean have jetted off to Mexico – they have taken their love (of screwing) to Cabo.

It was a short getaway, but Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson made the most of it.

The pair left on a private jet from Van Nuys airport Tuesday morning, then were spotted having dinner in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, that night, according to sources. Early Wednesday morning, they returned to Los Angeles where Johansson is shooting the film We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

On the menu during their Mexican meal? Penn, 50 and Johansson, 26, reportedly enjoyed lobster and, of course, margaritas.

Earlier this week, the twosome were seen sharing a casual lunch at the popular Los Angeles Cuban restaurant, Versailles, where Johansson had her leg draped over Penn.

On Feb. 5, the couple raised eyebrows when they stayed unusually close to each other at a party celebrating Black Swan at the L.A. hotspot Sunset Tower Hotel, then reportedly left together. “They were flirting with each other all night, pretty much ignoring everyone else,” a source told PEOPLE at the time.

Johansson’s rep told PEOPLE at the time that they the two were not dating.

Neither of their reps have commented on the pair’s most recent sightings.

Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, 34, split in December after two years of marriage. In August of 2009, Robin Wright, 44, filed for divorce from Penn. The couple had been married 13 years.

[From People]

Wait, so the trip to Mexico wasn’t even a 24-hour thing? That’s so weird. Sean probably needed to make a “quick stop” in Tijuana to see a man about a goat (“goat” being “a brick of cocaine”). This whole thing is so bizarre, it really is. If it was just about screwing, I would understand it, you know? Sean seems like the kind of guy who would be good in bed (and a douchebag everywhere else), and I could see how a 25-year-old woman would think “Yeah, I need to get laid properly by a dude who knows what he’s doing.” But this ScarJo-Sean thing just feels like… she’s gotten emotional about it. Like, it’s an actual romance and not just a sex thing. Ugh.

UPDATE: People Magazine has a photo of ScarJo & Sean together in Mexico here.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

A few weeks ago, Us Weekly claimed that after the Golden Globes, Sean Penn was all “Hey, hop on this ride” to Scarlett Johansson, and that ScarJo was all “Eh, why not?” Actually, Us Weekly claimed ScarJo was “smitten” and that after partying together in public, they took their party times private, to a hotel or something. I tended to believe that there was something to the report – but that it was nothing serious. ScarJo is just coming out of a divorce, and chica wants to get laid. Well… it might be love, because TMZ has a photo HERE of ScarJo gently resting her foot on Sean Penn’s Dong of Doom. Ugh.

With her foot in his lap during lunch, Scarlett Johansson, 26, got friendly with Sean Penn, 50, at Cuban restaurant Versailles in L.A. on Monday.

We’re told the two were seen smiling and laughing together during the meal — and one source inside the restaurant tells us Scarlett covered the bill.

Rumors of their “fling” have been swirling since January.

FYI — Scarlett and Ryan Reynolds filed for divorce in December, while Sean finalized his divorce from Robin Wright Penn last July.

[From TMZ]

Haha, ScarJo paid. Is that a sign that their relationship isn’t serious? I think it means that A) They’re friends, B) Sean is cheap as hell, and C) ScarJo is getting laid and she doesn’t mind buying her Dong For Now a little sustenance. Oh, ScarJo. I wanted you with someone better than this.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I absolutely HATED this Dolce & Gabbana dress. It’s not even a time when I can even justify Scarlett Johansson choosing the dress because it might have looked good on the rack. There is no reason for this dress to be on the Oscar red carpet. It looked SO cheap. Like, a stripper’s coverup. Totally trashy. But I’ll say something nice: ScarJo’s body looked really great in the dress. Her weight has fluctuated the past few years, and I feel like she’s stabilized a bit and regained her curves while still being slender and petite. But when you’ve got this great body, shouldn’t you know how to dress it without looking so friggin’ trashy?

Shall we talk about the hair? I honestly didn’t mind the hair, but I know a lot of you hated it. The dress offended me. The hair did not, although this is not appropriate Oscar red carpet hair. Much, much too undone.

Also – the dude who was ScarJo’s date: her agent, Joe Machota. Their relationship is apparently “platonic”. He’s kind of cute though, right? Probably gay, though. He gave her a look on the red carpet like, “Bitch, WTF are you wearing?”

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I always forget that Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson were a thing. Apparently, they dated for more than a year, circa 2006-ish. They met while filming The Black Dahlia, and while together, they were very low-key. Very few photo-ops, and they even made a point of not standing together while they promoted The Black Dahlia. Much like ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds made it a point to rarely be photographed together… and Gwyneth and Chris. When you put it in perspective, the whole “we’re so private” thing just seems like you’re already thinking ahead to the breakup. Anyway, ScarJo and Josh. She was young, he was tall, they were hot together. Some might even claim that Josh was Scarlett’s first love. And now there are rumors about them again:

It seemed like old times for newly single Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett when they dined in the garden of the Chateau Marmont on Feb. 15. The pair, who split in 2006 after dating for more than a year, “were extremely cozy all night, practically on each other’s lap,” an eyewitness tells Star. “She even fed him bites from her plate.”

Notes an insider: “Josh was her first love.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Not to quote Paris Hilton, but that’s hot. I would be into this re-coupling. ScarJo & JoHart are much, much sexier than ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds, Justin Timberlake, or any other dude you want to put her with.

That being said, I think ScarJo is just in some kind of “I’ll literally screw anybody” phase of her post-split era. I doubt this is going to turn into any kind of lasting relationship. But you never know.

Photos courtesy of WENN, plus ‘Black Dahlia’ promotional image.

We just heard that Sean Penn was working his rough martyr act on a newly separated Scarlett Johansson, which her rep denies, saying they’ve been “friends for years.” Whether that involves benefits is something most of us would rather not imagine. A report in Mike Walker’s column in the National Enquirer has Penn getting busy with “friend” Charlize Theron, who seems much more his speed to me. (read: arrogant) It all went down supposedly at the same place Sean is rumored to have bedded Scarlett, the Chateau Marmont.

Spotted in the Chateau Marmont garden totally drunk – on each other, that is: Oscar winners Sean Penn and Charlize Theron, who’ve reportedly been dating very secretly – until now, that is! My Chateau spy, who made the gossip bust [saw] the starry-eyed pair… as they nuzzled, snuggled, kissed and cooed under a Hollywood moon while late-night partying with pals. A snitch in the group tattled: “Sean and Charlize have been good friends for years. But now that neither is in a relationship, their friendship has blossomed into full-blown romance. They aren’t ready to go totally public yet, but are spending lots of private time together!”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, Mike Walker's column, February 21, 2011]

What is the appeal of this guy? He’s a douche of the highest order. Shouldn’t he be back in Haiti complaining about how he’s the only one who can make a difference because no one else gets as pissed off as he does? Instead he just hangs out at a hotel bar, waiting to lure whichever starlet will get drunk enough that night to think he’s a worthy prospect. Look at that face. That would take some heavy duty beer goggles.

Charlize is shown on 12/6/10. Sean is shown on 1/22/1. Credit: WENN.com