Lindsay Lohan showed just how much the drugs have affected her brain by firing off a rambling e-mail to her lawyers and friends that was promptly forwarded to media outlets. She surely intended it that way, but if she wants to get out this message that she can serve as a role model and help change the world and all, (if that is the message, since I didn’t get the point) couldn’t she put in some line breaks and use a spell checker?

I’m getting ahead of myself, though, because Lohan is begging for help and advice in this stream of consciousness e-mail but doesn’t seem to be at the point where she’s able to accept it. She has a few vague bad ideas of how to go about making people love her, but she’s really just letting everyone know that she and her overinflated ego are out of control:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she’s done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
[Note from Celebitchy: that's the longest subject I've ever seen]

Body:
But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let’s sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I’d really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I’m willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to ‘these people’ trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I’ve gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I’ve had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I’ve lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn’t hurt to ask. So let’s start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I’m doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.

Thanks to Gawker for that entire dense e-mail, which I’ve read a few times and still can’t wrap my brain around. That subject line is very long. I don’t have a Blackberry, but is that how they work? Do people routinely just use the subject line for the whole message?

So Lindsay is asking for help from higher-up, and that’s what she’s learning in AA and all. She also says that she wants assistance writing some letter to the press or something about how great she is, but she’s doing it already in this message. She’s incredibly narcissistic and seems to think that everyone is out to get her. She’s blaming “LR” for leaking stories to the press, and LR is said to be the assistant who left her to work for Jessica Biel. She’s obviously using this girl as a scapegoat for her negative image.

Lohan – if you want help, I’ll give it to you, thanks for asking: If you’re so concerned about education go to college. Preferably somewhere in the Midwest where drugs are hard to find. Maybe if you stop going out every night you won’t have to worry about all the tabloids reporting lies about you or whatever it is this e-mail is about.

It’s good that you’re asking for help, though, that’s something. I look forward to an e-mail where you make a fearless moral inventory and apologize to us all for wasting our time.

Lindsay is shown out to lunch with her mom and sister at Orso on 12/4. Thanks to Linds-Lo.com and Splash News for these pictures.

Amy Poehler, co-host of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, blasted coochie flashing celebrities this weekend during her live broadcast.

Speaking of Britney Spears, I’d just like to take a minute to address this latest trend, flashing your bizness while coming in, and or, leaving a limosine.

Ladies (read: Britney, Paris, and Lindsay, but especially Britney), you need to cool it. Nobody wants to see your baby factory. Look, I get it, I’ve been in this business for 65 years. I know how it works. Flashing Beav is part of the game. But if your gonna do it at least get paid for it…….

The point is, you guys are making Tara Reid look like Audry Hepburn. What’s next? Shots of stars pooping out of a window? And lastly, ladies, what’s up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! It’s a backup system for underwear! Even when you’re showin’ it, you’re not really showin’ it! There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza. Then, it turned into an upside down John Waters mustache. Now, every girl is as smooth as Joey Lawrence’s head! Global warming? You decide. But remember, I always believe a woman’s nethers should be shrouded in mystery.

We have nothing more to add to this story. Amy has said it all, and hell yeah, we girls who wear panties agree. Way to go Amy Poehler! Represent.

SNL screencap image taken and captioned by Chic Mommy.

The guy with the big ears who married Britney Spears in Vegas who would have made a much more suitable companion than K-Fed is speaking out – uh, again.

Britney supposedly called him last week to thank him for a positive interview he gave after her divorce became public. Alexander told People Magazine that K-Fed was an idiot and that he’d be there for Britney if she needed help. Was she testing the water to see if he might be a decent guy to rebound with?

Britney might not be so willing to talk to Alexander after reading this latest interview. Hopefully he was paid well for it because he does dish the dirt. Jason Alexander says Britney likes the ladies but that he doesn’t know firsthand whether she’s slept with a woman. He also says she had a tummy tuck after her second child was born.

He claims there’s no way he would get back with Britney again. This seems to be a turnaround from his previous statements that he still loves her. Chances are he saw her once-coveted snatch online like the rest of us.

Alexander is cashing in with a tell-all book about Britney, which may also be a reason for him to shut the door on a future relationship:

Jason also added: “All beautiful girls like other girls in some way. All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it.

“Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really.” Then he teased: “That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.

“Paris is a good friend of hers. They both have the same issues. They are both in the spotlight.

“Britney has to get out there now and be seen to be looking good and so on. She’s doing all that. She’s been locked down for two years.

“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child. She’s working on all of that. She’s worth hundreds of millions — of course she looks good.

“She has the money to have surgery and nutritionists and get her body back. And now she’s focused, she is doing it. She’s motivated — she just got rid of a man.”

Jason reckons Britney’s advisers played a part in her decision to dump her dancer husband. He claimed: “Further up the ladder this is a corporate thing — and they decide about certain changes.

“Her negativity around Kevin at this point in her career had to go. She’s been out of the picture for two years and this is big business.

“She’s trying to come back, recording a new album. He refused to have any part of her life and was slowing down her career. She knows she has to get rid of all of that.”

Despite his strong feelings for his former love, he claims he would never want a relationship with her again.

He said: “There is no way I would allow anything between us now. She’s got two kids and that’s a responsibility I’m not willing to take on. Right now I’m in the prime of my life and I want my freedom.”

Jason has written a book about growing up with Britney in Louisiana. And he has promised to lift the lid on their sex life.

He said: “I have done the first treatment of the book. It’s about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened.

“It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows.

“It’s about the marriage, my friendship with Britney and all the lines in between.

“Britney knows about it. There are things in the book that will upset her. There will be things in the book she will be mad at.

“It’s all the details of the wedding and all the stuff that’s been going on.

“It talks about everything. There is no holding back because that’s what people want to know about.

“It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”

I guess if you get to bang a star you should try to cash in while you still have a chance. Maybe people are right and Britney is trying to give up the goods so that a sex tape or tell-all book about her isn’t as valuable.

Britney bought 3k worth of underwear this week at the same boutique where Katie Holmes stocked up on her honeymoon lingerie and the world rolled its burning eyes.

Britney Spears was supposed to host the Billboard music awards in Vegas with Paris Hilton next week, and their people were in negotiations for it, but Britney pulled out with no explanation.

Speculation is rampant that Britney has soured on Paris, but the more likely explanation is that someone took her aside and told her to get her shit together, put on some panties, and stay at home with her kids for a couple of nights. Making a scheduled public appearance with Paris will only remind everyone of the three separate sets of punane-baring pictures of Britney that are floating around on the web. (If you don’t believe me that she did it three different times, just look at the clothes she’s wearing in each picture series linked above.)

After nearly a week of clubbing, partying and shopping in LA with new BFF, Paris Hilton, Us has learned exclusively that Britney Spears has abruptly pulled out of co-hosting with the heiress on the Fox Billboard Music Awards, scheduled to air live on December 4.

“She pulled out,” confirms a source with Fox. “She didn’t give a reason.”

The source tells Us that Hilton is still a possible host despite losing Spears as a sidekick. Other sources confirm that as recent as this morning, agents for both Hilton and Spears were hashing out the final terms of the contract, but at 5pm today, Spears had backed out of negotiations.

“We really don’t know the reason. But we’re disappointed she backed out.” says a Fox source.

Brad Garrett, the big guy from “Everybody Loves Raymond” is the potential replacement for Paris and Britney, so it’s not like it’s a prestigious hosting gig. Paris may also host solo.

Why are all these lesser music awards using inexperienced hosts like Lindsay and Paris? Maybe no one watches them, but a 20-something celebrity known for her skill in partying and shopping is not a good choice to host an awards show.

Britney was seen leaving a restaurant on Monday night with a fur coat on and a wine glass in her hand before she got in her car and had trouble finding the ignition. She wore a yellow knit cap to hide her shedding extensions and had glasses on in a vain attempt to look studious. She was photographed at some other point that night with an orange tank top on and no bra.

Meanwhile Paris, Britney and Lohan are no longer the three slutsketeers after Paris and Lohan are said to have fought it out at Hyde Monday night. Paris is said to have told Lohan “you’re a f’ng coked-out whore; don’t ever say you’re my friend again!” with Lohan leaving all upset.

Oh boo hoo. Go buy some more sex toys and get photographed again Lohan. That coochie-showing trick is completely old. Or maybe you could visit a library or a book store. That might be a good way to get some attention.

Britney actually stayed home last night, Tuesday, as none of the paparazzi websites have pictures of her out. Or maybe they were all too freaking tired to keep up with her.

Here are photos of Paris, Britney and Lindsay on Monday. Lindsay is seen with a pair of $1,000 diamond-studded handcuffs since the help is so unreliable at keeping her men by her side. Pictures from Splash News Online.

Britney just isn’t getting enough attention from hanging out with Paris Hilton constantly and having her publicist alert the paparazzi to their whereabouts. She flashed her punane again in a too-short dress. I was willing to give her a pass for her first kitty-baring mishap, as it seemed that she was tired and clueless and could genuinely lack clean underwear considering how often she was seen out in that “Little Miss Sunshine” shirt.

This time, though, it was way too obvious and deliberate. She bent over while wearing a really short dress and has ventured into inescapable Lohan country. Even the mainstream press is talking about it. ABC News asks if all this ass-flashing is damaging our impressionable young people, who just don’t know the meaning of manners:

Not so long ago, when a society woman flashed a hint of leg from beneath her petticoat, onlookers gasped.

Today, when Britney Spears displays her private parts to the paparazzi, the world points and laughs.

Spears is the latest star to give people a glimpse of what’s usually covered up, a trend that asks the question: What value, if any, does culture place on modesty today?

On Nov. 22, cameras caught Spears, the recently separated pop star and mother of two, in a leopard-print minidress so short it revealed her underwear.

Two days later, Spears was photographed getting out of a car in a hiked-up miniskirt. This time, her underwear was nowhere to be found.

According to celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, Spears’ up-skirt shots are no mistake — they’re a classic cry for attention.

“She wants the picture taken. She wants the publicity. She wants people talking about her,” Hilton said of Spears. “That’s what people love to see more than anything. Why do you think celebrity sex tapes sell so well?”

The photos, which spread virally across the Internet, gained Spears entry to a club ruled by repeat flashers Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Cameras have caught Lohan panty-less four times over the last two months.

Paris and Britney have been hanging out with their “freaky frenemy” (Thanks to submitter Scout on Lipstick for that great title) Lohan lately. With company like Paris and Lohan, is it any wonder that Britney thinks showing her crotch several times is ok? She’ll be trying the strawberry Nesquick next. Paris looks like a savvy businesswoman when paired with those two. That was probably her plan all along.

Pictures shown here from Mollygood. Full pussy pictures in all their glory are at Egotastic]

Tipray sent me this Paris Hilton picture with the subject “Paris Hilton shows off her new shoes!” LOL.

Ouch Paris, they must hurt. She looks like a Barbie I had as a child in the 80s. She’s got that giant fur collar and the impossible highcut skintight pink dress with the train. It looks like my brother did the magnifying glass in the sunlight trick and messed up her face.

Update: This may be an old picture, as commentor Tina points out.

I always thought Paris Hilton was the type of girl who bought her costumes from a store called Whores R Us, but it seems I was not too far off the mark. According to the latest photos at X17 Online, Paris was seen shopping for a Halloween costume at a store called Trashy, how trashy is that?

Below are pictures of the costumes she wore from this store last year.

Don Johnson’s fifth wife gave birth to the couple’s third child just six months ago, but that didn’t stop the nasty old codger from sleeping with his co-star in his latest crappy film. 57 year-old Johnson is banging 19 year-old Italian hardcore porn star Sofia Gucci, and Gucci’s manager was more than willing to confirm their messed up relationship:

I did the math in my confused head, and Johnson is old enough to be Gucci’s grandfather. His wife just had a baby, and this is beyond dispicable if it’s true.

When you look at the bloated saggy Johnson, you wonder how a guy like that can score a young girl like Gucci. Gucci’s a porn star, though, so she’s used to bedding all sorts of nasty old guys and maybe in her mind Johnson is a big star. They’re probably still playing Miami Vice reruns on Italian TV. I know Baywatch is on all the time here. Maybe The Hoff should come to Europe to try and score a porn star of his own.

You can contrast this story with the amusing but classy tale of 57 year-old Bill Murray partying with Scandanavian students in Scotland. He met up with the hot 20-something blondes at a bar after a golf match at famous course St. Andrew’s and went back with them for a party at their apartment. He drank vodka from a coffee cup, cracked jokes, and even washed the dishes afterwards. Murray was a perfect gentlemen and went home afterwards the talk of the town.

In case you still give a shit who Paris Hilton is spreading herpes to this week, she’s been linked with Andy Roddick. The last time I blinked she was with Travis Barker slinking around Amsterdam in a matching hoodie, so what gives?

Wasn’t Andy Roddick just with fellow tennis hottie Maria Sharapova? Either this isn’t true or he’s slumming with some saggy civilian ass.

Here are the pictures of Paris at Tao showing her panties that you’ve already seen.

Pictures from France-Vidcaps and Hollywood’s Best.

Every day it seems like something new comes out to explain Lohan’s constant partying and sluttish ways. Someone at the jail where Lindsay Lohan’s dad is an inmate sent an anonymous letter to the NY Daily News detailing how obnoxious Michael Lohan is:

That’s not surprising, but wait – didn’t Lohan’s dad find God in jail? Doesn’t he know that bragging about sleeping with his daughters stunt double isn’t Christian?

If Michael was talking about banging Lindsay Lohan’s stunt double in “Herbie: Fully Loaded,” it was Darlene Ava Williams and although her promotional pictures are gorgeous, she is looking really beat lately, as seen in the picture above.

Michael Lohan recently sent a rambling missive to his daughter through British rag The Sun, telling her that he holds her blameless for all the bad press about her, and that she needs to put her faith in God, too.

Update: I’ve been thinking about this post, and I feel bad for bashing the stunt double. Darlene Ava Williams is an average person working in Hollywood who had the bad sense to give it up to Michael Lohan. She’s perfectly decent looking and it’s not fair to call her beat. My apologies to her, she’s probably not a millionaire and doesn’t deserve the ire usually reserved for high profile celebrities.

Also, this may not be the stunt double Lohan’s dad was referring to, I’m just making an educated guess. Carry on.