Tom Cruise and Jamie Oliver appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. CBS has a video clip (link leads to page, not direct video) of the episode, but I turned off pop-up blocking in both Firefox and IE and could not get it to work. It’s probably because I refuse to install RealPlayer. Maybe you’ll have better luck with it.

Tom has written a rambling article for Time’s 100 People Who Shape Our World issue in which he praises MI3 director J.J. Abrams. His writing reminds me of this crazy guy I worked for in 1998 who ran a dot com. He used words like synergy and turn-key and it was impossible to figure out what he was talking about. (Here’s a web economy bullshit generator that can give you a good idea.)

Some choice excerpts from Tom’s article:

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Doesn’t Tom have someone that could have edited this for him? It’s terrible!

David Blaine is pretty cool when he’s doing magic. His low key personality and willingness to approach anyone make his brand of street magic unique and realistic. I saw a special on cable that featured Blaine levitating a foot off the ground. The different groups of people who saw him do it up close really believed that he had some kind of supernatural power.

When the novelty of street magic wore off a few years ago, Blaine started pulling Houdini-type capers. He was buried in a coffin in New York city for a week in 1999, enclosed in a glass of ice for three days in 2000, and stood on a platform for two days straight in 2002. Blaine tried to bring his stunts to new masochistic heights by encasing himself in an acrylic box over the Thames River in London without food or entertainment for 44 days in the fall of 2003. The stunt was successful but foolish and Blaine drew mixed reviews for his public sacrifice. Drunken Londoners ridiculed him and hurled food and beer at his see-through box.

Blaine now plans on living in an aquarium for seven days in New York City’s Lincoln center.

The guy is trying to cling to his fading star by pulling yet another outrageous stunt. It’s unnecessary and stupid, and if he wants to make a pile of cash he can surely tour Vegas instead of toturing himself for our entertainment.

It’s obviously incredibly hard to hold your breath for that long under water, especially after your body is totally worn out from being submerged for a week. I saw a super-fit guy who had been training for years try to break the record for holding your breath under water on “Wetten Das?” He fell a half minute or so short of the record when he was distracted by Bon Jovi flirting with his girlfriend on the other side of the glass.

Blaine has supposedly been training with the Navy Seals for the stunt, but we doubt he will successfully hold his breath for that long.

His last gig was as the spokesperson for the 2006 New York City summer reading program, though, so you can hardly blame him for trying to remain relevant.

Here is Blaine “bringing magic to libraries” as part of NY’s summer reading program:

Victoria Beckham wore a tank top in 5 degree weather while in the French Alps this week. She paraded around on the snow for photographers, and wisely put on a jacket before hitting the slopes.

Beckham wore a marginally more practical leather ski outfit for her last outing on the slopes.

Beckham has been rumored to be pregnant with her fourth child with soccer star David Beckham. We would say it’s probably not true since she’s been spotted drinking, but Gwyneth Paltrow has shown that you only have to be British at heart to justify fetal alcohol syndrome.

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Four more pictures after the jump.

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Jessica Simpson is so juvenile that she can come up with no better way to exact revenge than to crank call the woman who used to date her ex husband.

Simpson reportedly hates Kristin Cavallari and Star reports that she has been crank calling her!

We did this shit in seventh grade, remember? The fact that she tries to do accents makes it even lamer. Jessica you’re supposed to do real damage to the woman who’s dating your estranged husband. But he’s with MTV VJ Vanessa Minnillo this week, so you didn’t even pick the right target.

Here’s Simpson at Barneys in LA today with her ever-present hairdresser, who is either carrying most of her bags for her or was more successful at shopping today.

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Starpulse has a story stating that little people organizations are outraged that Britney hired people of small stature to entertain her husband at his birthday party in Atlanta. We could find no press releases or official statements confirming this, although it does seem obvious that her actions would upset people:

When we first reported that Britney hired dwarves to entertain her husband, we noted that “People who mock little people are ignorant and stupid.” It’s like hiring someone in black face for laughs, and Britney deserves plenty of criticism for this.

Here are some little people organizations so that we can all be a little more enlightened about how offensive Britney’s actions were. (Again, there are no official press releases, but it may be helpful to get someone else’s point of view.)
- Dwarfism.org, which notes that the term “midget” is highly offensive
- The Children of Difference Foundation
- Little People of America

Britney is said to be due in September if she’s really pregnant. We don’t think that dumb bitch should produce any more children, and hope that the nanny can drum some sense into SP, because he doesn’t have much of a chance with the parents he’s got.

Here’s Britney getting her hair done and talking on the phone yesterday. [via]

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Pink, trying desperately to make a comeback, is spouting a lot of crap to the press to try to drum up publicity for her album coming out this week, “I’m Not Dead.” Britian’s Mirror gossip rag, 3am, devotes its entire issue to Pink and has scads of dumb quotes from the singer, who uses a punk image to exploit teens who want to rebel but aren’t cool enough to discover real music.

Pink speaks out on everything from webcam sex to feminism:

Heavily pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow was spotted drinking a Guinness while out with her husband at a sushi bar in NY on Tuesday.

When I was pregnant I would go out for California rolls because they have no raw fish, but are still tasty if you crave some sushi. I never - ever - had a sip of alcohol though. That’s obnoxious and Gwyneth should know better. What a dumb bitch she is.

In the past two days, Paris Hilton and Jessica Alba have neglected to pay the meter. Hilton’s mistake in West Hollywood is made all the richer by the countless paparazzi and onlookers that witnessed the incident. All someone had to do was fish out a quarter to help the girl out, but no one bothered. In the image above, several people are gathered around Hilton’s car to mock her misfortne.

Alba received a parking ticket on her Toyota Hybrid on 3/27, while Hilton got the ticket yesterday on her $500,000 SLR McLaren Mercedes Benz. Hilton was at a tanning salon while her car was ticketed.

Six more after the jump.

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K-Fed, you give us so much to work while describing the title of your new album:

First of all, it’s hysterical that you’re explaining that it’s supposed to be self-explanatory. That really brings home your point, thanks.

Next, did you get the fact that it can have more than one meaning? Because maybe then you wouldn’t try and emphasize the title of the album, which may have beats that could, er, burn you and all of your listeners. (We are so sorry for pointing this out, and are nearly as bad as K-Fed in that respect.)

K-Fed does not yet have a record contract, but is said to be “weighing his options.”

Federline characteristically rebuffed his infinitely more talented wife when she offered to hook him up with her magical producers several months ago.

You can hear a genius one-sample track off his new album on his 1997-era MySpace (launches automatic music).

Britney and SP shopped with help from her personal assistant and bodyguard at Ralphs grocery store in Malibu yesterday. Seen in her cart were Cheerios (we would guess for SP), Splenda, Skittles, and cans of Coke and Tab. Britney was also spotted with a ready-made salad, so at least part of her diet isn’t processed food.

One of the most interesting stories to come out about Britney recently involves the little people exploited at her husband’s birthday party:

That’s right, little people are just hysterical.

I saw an HBO America Undercover special called “Dwarfs: Not a fairy tale” a while ago that really opened my eyes:

People who mock little people are ignorant and stupid, and Britney and Kevin reveal how low class they really are with this latest stunt.

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Four more after the jump.

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