I’m including the highest-quality video (that I could find) of Madonna’s Super Bowl halftime performance above. Madge thinks she’s Cleopatra or something, which… sure. I mean, if you’re performing at the Super Bowl, you might as well go all out. Madge started out with “Vogue” and it didn’t sound like she was singing live, right? She went from “Vogue” into “Music”. Madonna stumbling during that song. Poor bitch, I do that all of the time.

At this point, I’m already admiring her stamina. I would have fallen over completely by this point. Anyway, after that, she was joined by the LMFAO dudes to perform “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy and I Know It”. She just danced there, and at various points, she just looked like an old lady I think. Anyway, after that, she did that horrible song “Give Me All Your Luvin,” with Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.

M.I.A. also gave the finger during her solo, but it didn’t go out live. I’ve grown to really dislike M.I.A., and this was just a dumb, classless move designed to steal focus. Pathetic.

Anyway, after that came Classic Madonna. I’ll sort of buy that she was actually singing for “Express Yourself” and “Like a Prayer” – because her voice sounded so much weaker during that part, right? I also liked Cee Lo Green’s inclusion – nice cross-promotion for NBC (The Voice), but they also worked well together. That was my favorite part of the show.

So, how do you think she did? I have to admit – I’m kind of impressed. I think she did well.

Oh, and here’s Kelly Clarkson singing the National Anthem. I think she did a great job, right? Her voice is so good, I don’t even mind the bangs.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Tennis star Venus Williams is the older of the Williams’ sisters and the one who is known for her risque fashion. (I don’t pay enough attention to sports and I sometimes confuse her with her sister, Serena, which is why I’m specifying.)

Venus was formerly ranked No. 1 in women’s tennis in the world and she’s now at 32 in singles and 20 in doubles, so she’s force to be reckoned with. Her health has led her to be sidelined, though. Venus just pulled out of the US Open and made an announcement that she was diagnosed with a disease called Sjogren’s Syndrome.

In an interview on Good Morning America today Venus said that she felt for years that her stamina was low no matter how much she trained. She explained that about four years ago she felt like she could never get enough air in her lungs. She was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma at the time. This year she experienced joint swelling, dry eyes and dry mouth as well as fatigue and peripheral nueropathy, which are all symptoms of Sjorgen’s. She explained that it normally takes six and a half years to get diagnosed with Sjorgen’s.

I think I’ve had issues with Sjogren’s for a while. It just wasn’t diagnosed,” Williams said. “The good news for me is now I know what’s happening.”

Sjogren’s is usually triggered by an infection. The symptoms vary, but usually include dryness in the mouth and eyes, joint and muscle inflammation, and fatigue.

“I had trouble with stamina,” Williams said, adding that her doctor diagnosed her with exercise-induced asthma four years ago. But it wasn’t until this summer, when she developed more definite symptoms, that an accurate diagnosis was made.

“I had swelling and numbness and fatigue, which was really debilitating. I just didn’t have any energy,” Williams said. “And it’s not that you don’t have energy; you just feel beat up.”

Deciding to drop out of the U.S. Open wasn’t easy, Williams said.

“… I just felt like, ‘Okay, I could walk out on the court. I’m a tough woman, I’m a tough athlete, I’ve played through a lot of things.’ But what kind of match it would be?” she said. “It was a tough decision, but at the same time I’ve had to come to accept what I’m going through.”

Williams said she’s glad to finally have an explanation for her mysterious, debilitating symptoms.

“It’s a huge relief because as an athlete everything is physical for me — everything is being fit and being in shape,” she said. “I think the best thing that could have happened for me this summer was to feel worse so I could feel better.”

While Sjogren’s has no cure, there are treatments that make symptoms more manageable: Artificial tears and saliva stimulants can ease dryness; anti-inflammatory drugs can reduce joint and muscle inflammation; and certain drugs can help quell the overactive immune response.

“Sjogren’s is something you live with your whole life,” Williams said. “The good news for me is now I know what’s happening after spending years not knowing… I feel like I can get better and move on.”

Williams said she “absolutely” plans to return to tennis.

[From ABCNews.com]

I’ve had health problems in my life. I’m doing great and am hopefully fully recovered now, but years ago there were months when I could barely get around the house and needed a wheelchair outside. So when I hear about health problems I think I get it. I don’t fully remember how bad it was to be that sick, but I was there. It can be awful when your body betrays you. For an athlete, it must be especially devastating. I hope that Venus is able to get the treatment that she needs. I found her story very well told and she sounded like she’s come to terms with it. She will surely bring more awareness to this disease.

You can learn more about Sjogren’s on the website for the Sjogren’s Syndrome Foundation.

Here’s Venus playing tennis on 8/29 and out with her dog on 8/10. Credit: WENN.com

I really don’t know where to begin with the Charlie Sheen stories, so I’ll open with some that speak to his state of mind. Do you remember how Charlie was working on creating a porn star “family”/army by setting up a bunch of high paid hookers in a rented mansion adjacent to his estate? Well it seems that Charlie is moving forward with plan “B,” which involves moving his actual family, i.e. two of his ex wives and his kids with each of them, nearby. Charlie is probably hoping they’ll be a calming influence on him, which worked so well when Denise Richards and his daughters were across the hall when he locked a hooker in the closet at the Plaza. Charlie has reportedly offered to pay moving and living expenses for both Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards so that they’ll all live in his neighborhood with his kids. According to Radar, Brooke Mueller has already accepted. Denise is a more sensible type and is probably waiting anxiously for the other shoe to inevitably shatter.

Meanwhile Charlie is gunning to make a threequel to Major League (he thinks the last Major League 3 doesn’t count). Instead of inviting a bunch of porn stars to come over to his house, he invited a bunch of famous MLB all stars. I don’t follow sports or baseball at and even I’ve heard of some of the dudes that partied at Charlie’s House, including Lenny Dykstra, San Francisco Giants pitcher Brian “The Beard” Wilson, Kenny Lofton, Todd Zeile, and Eddie Murray. Charlie flew them in on his private jet but it’s unclear whether they were paid half as well as some of the hookers he’s employed recently.

The most vocal hooker from Charlie’s last set (that we know of), told Radar that she had a recent abortion, her fourth, and that it could have been Charlie’s since the condom kept failing. She think it’s some unnamed A-list actor, though, who she can’t mention due to a confidentiality clause. It’s likely she has no idea who got her pregnant. She told Radar that her career ambitions include “multiple sugar daddies” so she’s not beholden to any single one of the guys who pays her to wait around to f*ck them.

Oh and Charlie is already back to work and has a trashy new girlfriend/smoking buddy. If she’s as skilled at keeping her mouth shut as his last two wives, he might just marry her. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him do it again.

Thanks to SpikeTV for helping me come up with some of the top commercials at this year’s Superbowl, the longest of which was a two minute Chrysler commercial featuring Eminem which included a tour of Detroit. It’s unknown what that commercial cost Chrysler to air, but the cost of just 60 seconds of air time during this year’s Superbowl was estimated at $6 million. We’ve heard that the spot cost a whopping $9 million to produce and that Eminem was paid $1 million for his appearance. It was a really good commercial in my opinion, but whether it was worth the cost of a lower budget movie remains to be seen.

Chrysler – Eminem’s Detroit
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=968f514d-048a-4eb1-8741-32fd03a912d1" target="_new" title="">Daimler Chrysler: Eminem Detroit</a>

I loved this Doritos commercial featuring the little tasty chips reviving a pet fish and saving the day. It had me laughing out loud.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=92bf7e1a-0ed9-4305-97b5-8ab0b40faf2f" target="_new" title="">Doritos: Healing chips</a>

Kim Kardashian’s Skechers commercial received a lot of advance buzz, but the result was predictably bad and innuendo-filled. She broke up with her trainer for her shoes. These shoes are marketed to women, right? Then how do they explain this commercial?
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=7ec79207-9b31-4850-81cd-c03e83a59425" target="_new" title="">Skechers: Kim Kardashian</a>

The Volkswagon Mini Vader commercial was a lot of people’s favorite as it featured the adventures of a little kid in costume doing adorable little kid stuff to movie music. The end was just genius and really appealed to the mom in me.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=9f4c2bed-868f-4309-8f18-a9fdadf772f0" target="_new" title="">Volkswagen Passat: Young Vader</a>

A beaver helps out a motorist in this clever Bridgestone commercial.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=156f2dfc-2c36-482f-89a0-29dd93f89893" target="_new" title="">Bridgestone: Karma</a>

Kaiser’s favorite douche Adrien Brody somehow made women swoon and cry with his beak nose and crooning, or maybe they’re weeping the lack of Stella Artois beer. It wasn’t a great commercial.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=ec84aee7-291e-4922-9b24-32b3764a8299" target="_new" title="">Stella Artois: Crying Crooner</a>

Bud Light had a bunch of dogs as party servers in this cute commercial that reminded me of the movie Marmaduke. It kept me watching and the dogs playing poker bit at the end was funny.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=cbb7bb60-576d-495d-abd9-627e427196c2" target="_new" title="">Bud Light: Dog Sitter</a>

This Audi commercial with rich people in their gilded jail was a dig at Mercedes that may not have been effective, but was sure interesting to watch. I loved the “release the hounds” bit along with the Kenny G cameo.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=afe3c257-0142-408d-aecf-5f9049714ec0" target="_new" title="">Audi A8: Prison Break</a>

Diddy starred in this Mercedes commercial that had all the Mercedes in the world returning to their maker. Audi definitely won this one.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=47cff490-1225-4e91-97b3-579cdcccdc98" target="_new" title="">Mercedes: Diddy</a>

Roseanne Barr and Richard Lewis were featured in this Snickers commercial that had Roseanne getting knocked down by a giant log. I guess Rosie O’Donnell wasn’t available.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=cd9e0c27-e59f-4acd-9c8a-893a13580490" target="_new" title="">Snickers: Lumberjacks</a>

Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne were in this futuristic commercial for Best Buy that tried to spoof itself and failed.
<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/video?vid=716dc1fe-c8ff-485e-88f0-001b39cd4b3d" target="_new" title="">Best Buy: Ozzy vs. Bieber</a>

There are more of Superbowl commercials at Fox News Sports, Spike.com and Superbowl Fanhouse.

Update: Here’s more about the Darth Vader kid, who suffers from a congenital heart defect and has had multiple surgeries along with using a pacemaker. He seems like a sweet kid and I hope he’s ok but his stagemom bugs.

Am I the only person in the world who thinks that the Black Eyed Peas are completely overrated? Like, I don’t even consider their music to be pop music and radio-friendly. They always sound so disorganized and disjointed to me. Of course, I listen to lots of classic rock and folk crap, so maybe that’s the problem. If you like the Peas, I guess you considered their Halftime performance as a career highlight…?

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Yeah… I still don’t get it. When I watched Nine, I had a moment of clarity that Fergie has an incredible voice, and I think it’s really passive-aggressive of Will.I.am to never let her really sing. They always make her do that garbled half-rap thing. Ugh. I did like it when Usher came out though – maybe Usher should have done the whole Halftime show?

Unlike CB, I noticed that Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem, AND I also thought she looked like she was on something. Perhaps that was because Christina had to perform right after Lea Michele’s sober ass performed “America the Beautiful” so the side-by-side comparison was stark. Even though my default Lea Michele position is set on “I want to smack her” I have to admit that Lea was perfect. She was dressed appropriately, she had a backing choir of servicemen and servicewomen (that she out-sang) and she hit every note and knew all the words.

Since I tuned in for the opening and then promptly changed the channel, I was struck by one question: Why didn’t organizers ask Lea to sing the National Anthem? It’s not like Christina’s downward spiral isn’t obvious to everyone, and Lea has a much cleaner and family-friendly image than Xtina. Maybe the SuperBowl organizers just wanted a bit of controversy?

Screencaps of the performance.

Yesterday I got an e-mail sent from a reader (I don’t know if she wants me to mention her name) with the title “Christina butchered anthem” and she pointed out that “Christina Aguilera just finished singing the national anthem incorrectly.” I’m actually in the US now and was awake when this happened, so I headed downstairs to my dad’s big screen and we rewound and watched the national anthem again together. I didn’t notice that anything was wrong, she did seem to flub one line but it was hard to tell, and we both agreed that she did a great job. Plus I got all teary from seeing the footage of the troops in Afghanistan, who were cheered by the crowd. Overall it was a rousing performance and you did not get the sense that anyone there was unhappy with it.

Today there are stories about how Christina messed up, though, and substituted the words for one line. From what I saw she covered it up well. The girl can belt out a tune and she doesn’t suffer from a lack of self esteem that’s for sure.

Christina Aguilera, always a pro singing the national anthem, couldn’t make it through the Star Spangled Banner before the kickoff of Super Bowl XLV. Aguliera, who has handled the task without issue before NBA games, botched the lyrics badly halfway through the song.

Instead of “‘O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming” turned into “what so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last [unintelligable lyric].”

Luckily, Aguilera had the quick, crowd-rousing “rocket’s red glare” line to follow it up, which she nailed and got the packed Cowboys Stadium quickly on her side.

Still, our eyewitnesses in Dallas tell us that the crowd had some drastic reactions. “This was the biggest performance of her career and she blew it,” a source with a VIP view tells me. “To mess up the lyrics was a disaster.”

Another source tells us the televised roars of the crowds weren’t as loud in person. “A hush fell over the stadium and everyone was looking at each other.”

After the Star Spangled Banner wrapped, Aguilera headed backstage where a source tells me that the singer is “devastated.” She knows she messed up big time. It’s an honor to be ask and she let America and herself down. She doesn’t want anyone around her. Everyone telling her she was great but she knows the truth.”

[From Popeater]

I don’t really pay attention to sports and since I live overseas most of the year I’ll admit I don’t hear the national anthem enough to realize when one line is wrong. For people who know it well and hear it constantly at sporting events, particularly all the people who hired Aguilera and paid her big bucks to sing one simple song to show our national pride at the biggest sporting event of the year, I get how this would be a disaster. It’s embarrassing. I bet Christina doesn’t forget the words to her songs about oral sex and copying more original artists, but when it comes to the Star Spangled Banner she’s couldn’t get the lyrics right. At least she seemed sober even if she wasn’t prepared.

Screencaps from the performance.

I know this story sounds scandalous at first, but in my estimation it’s very tame and just highlights a longterm married couple’s fetish that they never should have posted online. NY Jets football coach Rex Ryan has been married to his wife, his high school sweetheart Michelle, for 23 years. Ryan gushed about his wife prior to this coming to light, and called her a “supermodel” and said “there’s only two kinds of coaches’ wives in the NFL and that’s ex-ones and great ones.” Deadspin has uncovered videos of Michelle apparently taken by Ryan (his voice is heard in the background) in which she shows her bare feet sensually. (They’re safe for work and PG-13) They’ve also found an online swingers profile of a couple who share suspiciously the same biographical data as the Ryans. This story was on the cover of the NY Daily News last week, with Ryan saying in a subsequent press conference that it was a “personal matter.”

Foot-fetish videos of a woman who’s a dead ringer for the wife of Jets coach Rex Ryan burned up the Internet Tuesday night – giving the word “football” a whole new meaning.

One of the four videos on the sports gossip site Deadspin.com show the woman and an off-screen cameraman who sounds like Ryan having intimate discussions about her feet.

The petite blonde showing off her toes in the videos bears an uncanny resemblance to Michelle Ryan, the coach’s wife of 23 years.

Deadspin reported that the woman featured in the videos goes by the Internet handle “Ihaveprettyfeet” and has more than looks in common with the coach’s wife.

Like Michelle Ryan, the 47-year-old woman is a housewife with a master’s degree, a Virgo and once lived in Ellicott City, Md., which is where the Ryans lived before they moved to New York, Deadspin said.

Rex Ryan, in a scheduled interview session with Chicago reporters on Wednesday morning, only said: “I know you need to ask, it’s a personal matter.”

In one clip, the woman is sitting in a green SUV with her bare feet hanging out the window when she is approached by the sound-alike Rex Ryan.

“You have really beautiful feet,” the unseen cameraman tells the woman. She responds, “Thank you. You know most men do think my feet are pretty because … well, they’re soft and they’re petite and, of course, they are very beautiful.”

The cameraman then asks, “You mind if I touch them.” He proceeds to request, “Can I smell them.”

“I bet most men like to do a lot of things with those feet,” the man says.

The other videos show the woman lounging on a couch, drinking a beer and reading a book while flexing and rubbing her footsies.

[From The NY Daily News]

This will blow over quickly. The most damaging part is the online profile in which a guy who was maybe-Rex wrote that he’d like to see someone else with his wife. (I’m paraphrasing, it was more graphic than that and you can read it and see the videos at deadspin.) This is not a cheating scandal and whatever two consenting people (or more) want to do behind closed doors is their own business. It’s when they start posting it online and not trying to hide their identities that they get into trouble. A foot fetish and some maybe-swinging does not a scandal make.

Honestly, I think at this point Venus Williams is just going to generate controversy no matter what she wears for a tennis match. Previously, she’s really pushed the “appropriate” envelope and worn what looked like lingerie, as well as disturbingly “nude” tennis shorts, amongst other unfortunate looks. For her singles match on Friday, the “nude” shorts made their triumphant return, but most people are discussing the little fuchsia outfit she wore to defeat Shaher Peer of Israel a few days ago. You know what, though? I think it’s one of Venus’s better choice.

Of this outfit, Venus said: “This outfit was supposed to be about New York. It’s like bursts of fireworks.” It’s very slimming too – Venus has always been the “skinny” Williams sister, but this style, with the neckline and close fit on the bust, does wonders to streamline her figure. Plus, it doesn’t feel like we’re looking at tennis-themed pornography. That’s a plus in my book. Here’s the pick thing from the back… okay, it’s a little pornographic. But I still prefer it to her other outfits.

Venus Williams at the U.S. Open. Credit: WENN.

I wanted to make fun of Tiger Woods for this quote he gave after getting his groove back on the golf course post-divorce. Tiger said “it feels good to be able to control my ball all day.” I know it’s childish, but it made me chuckle. Tiger improved his game quite a bit after struggling for months with a comeback that looked like it would never happen, and he did it not-so-coincidentally right after his divorce was finalized. So is the old Tiger back, and should hostesses and Ho-Jos waitresses look out? Probably, especially if they’re hoping to get more than unprotected sex out of the tightwad. Tiger finished in a tie for 12th at the Barclay’s in Paramus, NJ. That’s not up to his regular performance, but it’s much better than he’s been doing. Here’s People’s report:

After struggling for months, Tiger Woods jumped out to an impressive start Thursday in his first golf tournament since finalizing his divorce from Elin Nordegren.

At The Barclays in New Jersey, Woods made a staggering seven birdies to finish the day sharing the lead with another pro with a score of 65, his best round of the year.

“It feels good to be able to control my ball all day like this,” Woods told reporters.

Asked if wrapping up his divorce removed a burden, he responded, “I can’t really say that’s the case.”

All he knows is he’s feeling like the old Tiger, and the golf press agress. USA Today gushes, “Woods is making a shambles of the course.”

[From People]

Tiger gave a lot of other quotes and you know People cheekily picked the one with that was the best double entendre. He also said he was “very pleased” with his performance and “I found something in my stroke today which was good.” It’s hard to take this guy’s statements at face value or to think about him without imagining him an Ambien-fueled romp.

There’s a related story that Tiger’s ex Elin is considering using some of her settlement money to open up a clinic for children from broken homes. This story seems to have originated in the Sunday Times of London, which reports that Elin, who is studying for a degree in psychology, wants to help children of divorce. Elin’s parents divorced when she was just six, so she has first hand experience with this issue. This story could be accurate as the reporter from People Magazine who did Elin’s interview said on the Today Show that Elin wanted to help children from broken homes.

Associates say Nordegren has been discussing with her twin sister, Josefin, a London-based lawyer, how she might use part of her settlement to help broken families and, in particular, children.

“Elin has a lot of ideas, including setting up her own clinic to help poorer children suffering from mental illnesses such as depression, eating disorders and hypertension, which can result from living in a broken family.”

“Maybe it’s not surprising, but she feels strongly that children are the real victims when marriages fail,” said one of her campus colleagues.

[From The NY Post]

That sounds like a great way for Elin to use some of her millions to help kids. I hope she moves forward with this as she could do a lot of good. It looks like Tiger will be able to afford those undoubtedly steep child support payments for some time too.