We’ve heard Lindsay Lohan’s bullsh-t crackhead excuses so many times that we’ve got it down to a science. Step 1: Crackhead f-cks up. Step 2: Crackhead denies f-cking up. Step 3: Crackhead admits that something got f-cked up, but it wasn’t her fault. Step 4: Crackhead gets called out for being full of cracked-out lies. Step 5: Crackhead’s mother goes to the press and whines about how the crackhead is just a child. Step 6: Crackhead f-cks up something new. So it was when Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet went off at a party after the MTV Movie Awards. The judge ordered Lindsay in violation of her probation, and a new bail was set. Since then, Lindsay has been stuck in Steps two and three – she denies f-cking up, but if something got f-cked up, it wasn’t her fault. There was a theory someone spilled a drink on her SCRAM. There was a theory that it was the fermented tea she was drinking. And now we have a new excuse – and it’s a good one. Could Lindsay’s orange spray tans be setting off her SCRAM? Ha. You’ll take away Lindsay’s spray tan when you take it from her cold, dead, orange, dirty, cracked-out hand.

Lindsay Lohan is flirting with danger by spray tanning, after being warned it could trigger a positive alcohol reading with the SCRAM people.

Multiple sources say people have told Lindsay she can’t get a spray tan while she’s wearing the bracelet, because a chemical in the tanning solution can create a reading which would show the presence of alcohol.

Lindsay’s response to that warning — we’re told she’s still getting a spray tan 1 to 2 times a week.

And it gets worse. We’re told the famous probationer is “climbing the walls” … and is “filled with anxiety” because of the mandatory accessory.

Sources tell TMZ Lindsay was OK with it the first week, but the bracelet started digging into her skin, irritating it. As one person put it, “She’s made life hell for the people around her, since she is in pretty bad pain.”

And Lindsay’s 24th birthday is July 2, and she doesn’t like the accessory.

Lindsay wants the bracelet off, we’re told, even before her July 6 hearing. Ain’t no way Judge Marsha Revel would even hear of it.

[From TMZ]

Hahahaha, she wants to get wasted on her birthday, and the Judge is like, “Uh, you’ve partied enough, crackhead.” I love that Lindsay is such a f-cking disaster that she actually asked the court to take off her SCRAM so she could party on her birthday! Wait, she doesn’t drink or do drugs, RIGHT? So why would she need her SCRAM off for her birthday?

Even the Bible of Publicist-Approved Gossip, People Magazine, is noting that Lindsay seems out of sorts since she can’t be a drunk, drugged out disaster anymore. People claims: “The starlet ventured to Las Palmas in L.A., grabbing a spot in a booth where she danced in her seat. She also spent most of her time on her BlackBerry, occasionally chatting with friends before returning to her phone. But Lohan looked less-than-enthused, and snuck out a back door with her entourage after 1 a.m.” In People Mag-speak, this means that Lindsay is white-knuckling it through her forced sobriety.

Lindsay on June 6, 2010. Credit: Fame.

A few days ago, CB transcribed part of Nicole Kidman’s interview in Hello Magazine. I singled out one part that I found particularly funny, which was when she was describing how she got a part in Adam Sandler’s comedy Just Go With It. Nicole said: “Adam and I worked on Saturday Night Live when I was 22 or 23. He just called me up and said ‘Would you do this?’ and I said, ‘Yeah, I would love to come to Maui.’” She probably didn’t mean it this way, but I took it as Nicole being more excited about getting paid to hang out in Hawaii rather than working with Sandler et al. Looks like I was wrong! Nicole hates Hawaii. Why, perchance? Because of the f-cking sun, and her pale, pale skin. According to In Touch, Nicole is “terrified” of the sun.

Filming Just Go With It in tropical Maui, Hawaii, fair skinned Nicole Kidman has turned to SPF 100 to protect her flawless skin!

While her co-star Jennifer Aniston has been seen working on her tan on the spectacular local beaches, Nicole avoids the intense sun with floppy hats, sunglasses and a specially formulated super strong sunscreen to keep her skin milky white.

“Nicole does not tan, and working in the intense sun in Hawaii has been a challenge for her,” a movie insider reveals. “She’s been a really good sport about it all, but she has begged the director to keep her out of the sun as much as possible.”

Despite being from sundrenched Australia, Nicole is no fan.

“Her face is her fortune, and she protects it,” says a pal.

[From In Touch Weekly]

I could have done without the “Her face is her fortune” quote. Because if Nicole really cared about her face long-term, she wouldn’t be injecting poison into her forehead, cheeks, lips and wherever else she sees a hint of normal aging. What kills me is that I would applaud Nicole if I thought her beauty was just about keeping out of the sun – if that was it, she would be aging beautifully. But because of all the Botox (and whatever else), she’s going to look ragged in a few years, and it will have nothing to do with skin damage from the sun. Meanwhile, Aniston keeps tanning and tanning. In a few years, her skin is going to look like leather.

Lord, someone really has it out for pale people this week! First the ginger genocide, and now Kelly Osbourne gets her pale ass handed to her just because she thinks she looks thinner when she’s got a spray tan. Of course, it’s more complicated than that. Kelly appeared in a ad campaign for spray tans, in which Kelly said “I looked healthy, I looked like 10 pounds skinnier, and it started to make me look at my body in a different way.” She also did print ads (above) where she’s basically saying pale = low self esteem. And now the pale advocacy community (really?) is ripping Kelly a new one. Kind of. Here’s more:

Kelly Osbourne would have done better to invest in a skin thickening cream.

The naturally pale-skinned reality star has come under fire after claiming a self-tanning cream makes her look 10 pounds skinner, London’s Daily Mail reports.

The Prince’s Trust charity — for whom Osbourne is an ambassador — has pulled its endorsement of the star’s St. Tropez ad campaign after parents argued the spray tan company’s message was inappropriate for the disadvantaged children the organisation seeks to help.

Titled “Self Esteem” the advertisements suggested that feeling good about oneself is tied to looking thin and pretty.

“I looked healthy, I looked like 10 pounds skinnier, and it started to make me look at my body in a different way,” Osbourne said in the video, which has since been removed from St. Tropez’s Web site.

“It made me look at what looked better rather than what I didn’t like, and I kind of got addicted.”

The company’s “colour expert” then proceeded to exclaim about the reality star’s physical transformation.

Abi Moore, who founded a group on the impact of marketing on girls in Britain, sent a letter to the company to cease its association with the ad campaign. The letter was co-signed by a psychologist and two authorities on consumer marketing’s effect on children.

Soon after, Prince’s Trust announced it was no longer backing the St. Tropez ads. But the fake tan company will still donate $15 to the charity from each bottle ($75) sold.

[From NYDN]

I could see how people would be mad that spray tans and the whole “tan is beautiful” thing are being marketed to kids, and it is wrong. Kids shouldn’t have to worry about being tan. Adults shouldn’t have to either, but I know a lot of them do. I don’t really have a dog in this hunt, because my Indian genes have ensured that I have a natural light mocha color year round. But when I was obsessed with working out and trying to be really thin, I did do the tanning beds, just because you really do look and feel thinner when you’re darker. It just the way it is with the majority of people. That being said, I love pale people. One of my favorite things in the world is a person who can’t go out in the sun for two seconds without being covered in freckles. I find it adorable. PALE LOVE.

Ad courtesy of The Daily Mail.

Of course I’ve noticed that Hugh Jackman has a bronzing problem in the past. Sometimes he looks down right orange, or that strange color that people get when they aren’t naturally pale, so when they start with the fake tanning and add bronzer, they end up some sort of weird brownish-orange-yellow color that glows. That’s where Hugh is now. And I mean him no disrespect – I think he’s probably a very lovely man, and very, very talented. Which is why this is so disappointing.

Anyway, these are photos of Hugh last night at the opening night of the Broadway musical The Addams Family. Does Hugh look at his big orange glowing face in the mirror and think, “I look awesome!”? His wife Deb needs to get on this sh-t. Because Deb is a normal color, and she must be tired of watching him apply the bronzer. Look, you even see where the bronzer stops on forehead! That white stuff at his hairline is his natural skin color!

It’s even more noticeable when he stands beside normal-skinned people:

Hugh at the opening night of the Broadway musical ‘The Addams Family’ on April 8, 2010. Credit: WENN.

ARGH! My eyes! Jesus, this is Tara Reid. Remember her? American Pie, The Big Lebowski, then Carson Daly, wilderness years, Taradise and plastic surgery, and endless sketchiness. Tara decided to pose for Playboy for the January/February double issue, but she does not go full-on naked inside. You know why? Because she’s classy.

I may be wrong, but I think this might Tara Reid’s attempt at a comeback. Sad, yes? That this is what a Tara Reid comeback looks like. You know what? The breast implants, the lip injections and the full-body plastic surgery are pretty sketchy, but I find Tara’s Lindsay Lohan-esque dirty face/fake tan and trashy blonde extensions even more disturbing. Because, ultimately, that’s what she could have controlled. Yes, she could have gone to better surgeons, and yes, she could have controlled how much work she’s had done, but just on a superficial level, why go for a dirty orange skin hue and straw-like extensions?

Oh, Tara’s been giving interviews too. Nothing special, just “I’m not screwed up anymore, give me work” sort of stuff:

Tara Reid, star of “American Pie,” has quite a reputation of a former hellraiser. Once the best friend of socialite Paris Hilton, Reid spent most part of her 20s in clubs, rehabs or, from what pictures tell us, sitting on the sidewalk, trying to stand upright. She also had a go at plastic surgery and thus ruined what many considered a perfect body. Now a reformed girl, Tara is saying in a recent interview she has also fixed her body.

The actress is to grace the pages of Playboy magazine come December 18, in what is meant to be a testimony that she solved every little thing that was wrong with her body. The spread is not meant to be regarded as a “in your face” type of thing, but rather as a silent statement from Tara that she realized she had done wrong in the past and took the necessary action to fix everything.

In the recent interview, Miss Reid also speaks about her movie career, which is again seeing progress. She has two films, a comedy and a drama, out in theaters soon, so it only felt like the next logical step for her was to show people that she had also fixed her body, so that people would stop insisting on the matter. As fans must know, Tara was the victim of much abuse and criticism in the media for ruining her body with plastic surgery, her breasts and abdomen in particular.

Speaking of which, Tara compares the experience to having an arm broken. “It wasn’t a good surgery, it happens sometimes. I got it fixed and now I’m OK, and I want people to know that I’m OK. I’ve been OK now for the last five or six years but people only show old pictures which is so unfair and that’s part of the reason why I did the Playboy shoot – to show the world this is me and this is what I look like,” Reid says in the interview.

“I’m in my 30s now and I feel I’m at the best age in my life – mentally, physically and spiritually – and I’m proud of it,” the actress goes on to explain. The spread should be illustrative of that and of the new stage in her life.

[From Softpedia]

Meh. I’ll give her a break because I’m feeling a little generous. She didn’t kill anyone, she just mangled her face and body. And she partied a lot too. I can’t make up my mind if Tara is a victim of something, or if she’s just some screwed up party girl who ran out of money. In either case, my advice to Tara is simple: keep your head down, act like a consummate professional on whatever job you get, stop fake tanning, shower every day, stop doing drugs, and don’t go under the knife ever again. There… that about covers it. Happy hunting, Tara!

Playboy cover courtesy of Huffington Post. Additional photos of Tara outside the MTV studios on December 10, 2009. Credit: WENN.

I’m not being fair about this. This is a picture of Victoria Beckham from September, during which time I can only guess she was still knee-deep into all kinds of fake tans. She looks like a very bony Cheeto. Which she would take a compliment. Anyway, in the new December Allure Magazine, Victoria is interviewed about… her life? I guess. I’m not sure what she’s promoting. Maybe her clothing line. Maybe her new fragrance “Beckham”. Hand to God, David and Victoria named their dual his and hers perfume/cologne “Beckham”. I would have gone for “Goldenballs… for her”. Anyway, that’s not the point. Victoria claims that “anymore”. Which maybe she just stopped fake tanning just at that moment, because into September and October, she was still hazard-orange.

Victoria Beckham is fully aware of who she spends her nights with. When Allure asked the star, 35, if she preferred sleep over sex, she opted for the latter.

“I’m getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there’d be something wrong if I said, ‘sleep.’”

She isn’t the only lucky one.

“I tend to wear nothing [to bed],” she tells the December issue of Allure. “But David bought me these little sets from Agent Provocateur, his favorite store.”

And if given the choice of salads or fries, she admits she always goes green.

“I’m not going to lie — I’m not one of those people that says, ‘Oh, I eat hamburgers.’”

And as for her oft-criticized skin tone? It’s all natural, she says.

“I don’t self-tan anymore,” she says. “It’s frustrating when people criticize my color. It’s the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate.”

The former Spice Girl, however, doesn’t get upset if you call her Posh.

“I’m so respectful of the Spice Girls, and I love all the girls dearly, but it’s nice now that people know my name,” she says. “But either is a compliment. I mean, I’ve been called a lot worse.”

[From Us Weekly]

“It’s frustrating when people criticize my color. It’s the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate.” Hahaha… “it’s the color that I am!” No, honey. That particular color orange is not found in nature. Do you get the feeling that Victoria is right on the verge of calling us “racists” because we mock her orange skin? Here’s something else – I totally think Lainey is right about Posh trying to tone down her crazy WAG persona to attempt to woo Anna Wintour at Vogue Magazine. Posh wants to be accepted. She wants us to recognize her as a pioneer. An orange pioneer.

Header photo is Victoria Beckham looking very, very orange at David Beckham’s launch of Adidas Originals by Originals Line in Los Angeles, September 30, 2009. Credit: Getty/PicApp. Below, Victoria Beckham, looking paler and less orange exiting a London hotel on November 19, 2009. Credit: Fame.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t one to let a little thing like a lawsuit bring her down off her “high”. Considering that Lindsay’s tan-in-a-can Sevin Nyne is the only thing she’s got going for her, it should have come as a “blow” to Lindsay that she was yet again named as a thief. Lindsay wasn’t accused of stealing jewelry or a fur coat – this time Lindsay was accused of stealing another’s woman’s fake tan formula. The lawsuit came out in the press on Tuesday, and Lindsay finally got around to making an “official” statement about the lawsuit Wednesday afternoon, probably after she had “woken up” (meaning after she rolled over did some more blow, perchance?). You know what’s classy? Lindsay responded to the lawsuit on Twitter! Lohan is starting to make Courtney Love look like an upstanding citizen:

Lindsay Lohan denies she stole the recipe for her tanning line, as alleged in a lawsuit filed against her.

“No formula was stolen for Sevin Nyne!” the actress — who just turned 23-years-old — Tweeted. “It’s a woman looking for a payday. That’s it!”

Scientist Jennifer Sunday filed a federal lawsuit against Lohan and her business partner, Lorit Simon, for breach of contract, theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, intentional interference with contractual relations and deceptive and unfair trade practices.

Lohan takes credit for co-creating the spray tan mist — named after her lucky numbers, and sold for $35 at Sephora — with Simon, a Las Vegas-based businesswoman.

The lawsuit alleges Simon and Sunday were negotiating over samples of the product, but couldn’t agree on a price.

“The next thing we know, Lorit Simon and Lindsay Lohan are partnering, and Ms. Lohan is taking credit for developing this formula, which she indeed had no role in,” Sunday’s lawyer, Marcia Cohen, told the St. Petersburg Times yesterday.

[From US Weekly]

“No formula was stolen for Sevin Nyne! It’s a woman looking for a payday. That’s it!” Jesus, Lindsay. Of course this woman’s looking for a payday - you’re profiting from a spray tan that you didn’t make! Saying that Jennifer Sunday is just “looking for a payday” isn’t really the best argument. Because, duh, people like to be paid for things they invent. Even when what they invent gets stolen by a crackhead.

Lindsay is shown out in LA yesterday, 7/8/09. Credit: Fame Pictures. She seems to have a new tattoo on her forearm but I can’t make out what it says.

Apparently Hollywood really is jumping on my “pasty is sexy” campaign. I knew if I plugged it long enough, if was bound to pay off. “Brothers & Sisters” star Rob Lowe has recently been on the receiving end of some stern warnings from studio bosses. Why? For his overly-tanned face. Now to be fair, Rob isn’t really overly tanned. He claims that if you put anyone next to Calista Flockhart, you’re going to look well-done in comparison.

Rob Lowe has been ordered to stay out of the sun after his TV bosses objected to him becoming too tanned. Skip related content

The actor, who plays Senator Robert McCallister on hit U.S. show Brothers & Sisters, lives in sunny Montecito, California with his wife and their teen sons and is an avid sportsman.

But the 44-year-old star had to give up playing outdoor sports with his family after his bosses were angered by his sunkissed complexion.

He says, “I got a phone call from the president of ABC who said, ‘You’re getting too dark. Seriously, stay out of the sun.’ I go, ‘I’m not tanning. I’m active. I surf and I kayak.’”

And Lowe blames his pale co-stars for him now having to slather on the sunscreen before stepping outside.

He adds, “If you stand next to Calista Flockhart, anybody’s going to look like (singer) Harry Belafonte. I wear (sunscreen) over my entire face and a hat that has a chin strap. I look like the biggest idiot.”

[From Yahoo! News]

Ahh, nothing adds to the inherent sexiness of pasty more than a hat with a chin strap. Well, maybe really big glasses and long sleeves. That’s a pretty hot look right there. Rarely do I defend anyone who is capable of getting a tan, due to my seething halfbino jealousy. But in this case I gotta say Rob doesn’t exactly look like George Hamilton or anything. I can definitely believe his skin is that shade from the sun, not the tanning booth. That said, sunscreen is always your friend. I use SPF 85, and if you think I’m kidding, you’re wrong. And I’m not going to have all sort of weird splotches and melanomas when I’m 40 (ahem, Britney Spears). I’m sure in the long run his bosses are doing Rob a favor. And in the short run, he’s doing Calista Flockhart a favor.

Rob Lowe at the Stand Up 2 Cancer event held at the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles on September 5th. Images thanks to WENN.com.

90210’s Annalynne McCord – who is ostensibly a mere 21-years-old, if Wikipedia isn’t a big fat liar – has defied the very laws of nature. How? Well last time I checked, nature generally didn’t let you turn into a 54-year-old Upper East Side socialite overnight. But that’s exactly what McCord appears to be – and I can’t say it’s a flattering look for her.

Yikes! It looks like someone over did it a little bit on the fake bake!

Annalynne McCord hit up Bar Deluxe in Los Angeles last night clutching a long stem rose that someone was kind enough to buy for the star (probably from one of those people who walk down the middle of street selling them out of plastic buckets).

The 90210 starlet wore red platforms and a white dress, that so nicely complimented the white racoon-like marks around her eyes. It’s good to see that Annalynne protects her eyes when she’s in the tanning bed, but maybe she should nix the super bronzed look overall. She’s a pretty girl, but Anna’s aged herself several years with tan and make up.

[From INF Daily]

The weirdest part is – while it appears that Annalynne did protect her eyes, because that area isn’t tanned – it looks like she wore the goggles too low. Her upper cheeks aren’t tanned either, yet it appears that the area under her brow is. It’s like she slid her eye protection down an inch or something. Even if she hadn’t done that, this would be a very bizarre and unfortunate look. But whatever’s going on in the eye area – Hollywood Tuna referred to it as “reverse raccoon – isn’t helping things.

I am what Websters Is My Bitch long ago referred to as a “Halfbino.” I am as pale as a person can possibly be without being an actual albino. And I can’t even pull off a spray on tan – it just looks totally ridiculous on me. So I was pretty enthused when it seemed like the Britney Spears fake-and-bake that was popular for so long had gone the way of dodo. Either Annalynne McCord’s trying to bring it back, or she’s hopelessly out of touch. Let’s pray it’s the latter.

Here’s AnnaLynne McCord out for a night out at Bar DeLuxe in LA on Thursday. Images thanks to Pacific Coast News.