Every relationship advice book I read when I was single said that the best way to get guys is to live it up, have a great time, and not act like you’re desperate. You’re supposed to date more than one guy, not open up too soon, and make them chase you. The way Teri Hatcher is going, she’s going to be single for a while or she’s going to end up in a lame codependant relationship.

She told her story about being violated by her uncle as a child in a partial bid to get back at George Clooney for not changing his stripes to stay with her for more than a month. Now she’s going to release a memoir chronicalling her sad love life.

Meanwhile Teri injured her eye on the set of Desperate Housewives after a lightbulb exploded, scratching her cornea. She sounds rather sorry for herself in her statements about it:

Teri - this is not the way to get men! You have to fake it until you make it. Please cheer up and look at the positive. Some people still think you’re sexy, but your attitude just ruins it.

Here she is with her daughter and ex husband at a horse event two days ago. [via] The guy must realize that he dodged a bullet.

Teri Hatcher broke down and cried at a press conference in Beverly Hills yesterday. She cohosted the press conference with former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to announce the 3rd annual Women’s World Awards. Gorbachev seemed more interested in her breasts than what she was saying.

Hatcher got emotional when talking about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child:

You can hardly blame her for crying, and it’s brave of her to speak out. We were going to point out that she looks like Janice Dickinson here, but considering the sensitivity of the topic that would be cruel.

Three more pictures after the jump.

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In a move we never saw coming, Teri Hatcher has said that she’s not with Ryan Seacrest. I made up the part about her admitting that it was a publicity stunt. Hatcher was at the Comedy for a Cure benefit for Tuberous Sclerosis on April 2nd and found a business card for a singles dating service in one of the purses she donated for auction. She joked about its meaning, saying it signifies that she’s still single:

She skirted the question by saying “she’s not a liar” and wouldn’t “say that it wasn’t me” but still maintained that she’s single. That’s a strange way to deny that you’re with someone. If it didn’t work out between the two of them, wouldn’t she say “We were looking for different things?” In fact, she could have used that excuse anyway!

Seacrest was seen on Saturday taking in a basketball game with Hatcher’s costar, Eva Longoria. The two cheered on Longoria’s boyfriend, at the Spurs game in San Antonio, TX.

The fifth annual “Comedy for a Cure” benefit for The Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance was held last night in Hollywood. Attending stars included Julianne Moore, Teri Hatcher, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Jane Kaczmarek, Patricia Heaton, and Marissa Jaret Winokur. Royal asshole Billy Bush served as master of ceremonies.

Calista Flockhart was also supposed to serve as a host, but does not seem to have shown up since there aren’t any pictures of her.

A little more about the disease Tuberous Sclerosis:

The event featured live auctions and comedy. Teri Hatcher even sat on a winning bidder’s lap.

12 more pictures after the jump.

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12 year-old actress Dakota Fanning received the “Heart of Gold Award” last night at the annual gala held by the Starlight Starbright Children’s foundation. Fanning was honored for her “commitment to helping others.” Jamie Curtis hosted the event. Attending stars included erratic Teri Hatcher, John Stamos, Bob Saget, Alicia Silverstone, and Elly and Mike Godard.

Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest were photographed making out on a Malibu beach. Teri Hatcher doesn’t seem dumb enough not to be in on the joke, although she did expect Clooney to stick around and then used her painful past to get back at him, so she’s not that bright overall. Still, she can’t be as delusional as Zellweger, and chances are that she’s getting something out of this other than bad publicity.

An eyewitness says Hatcher and Seacrest were “very animated” which is code for “very bad actors”:

Here are the pictures of Hatcher and Seacrest making out that will be published in this week’s US Magazine.

And here’s a video of Seacrest flirting with Anderson Cooper on CNN. Cooper tells Seacrest that his big tie “works for him.” Then Seacrest points out that Cooper’s tie is “tiny and mine is huge.” “I’ve heard that often,” Cooper responds. Ow!

George Clooney is such a fucking cad. When you’re 25 and you sleep around it’s expected. When you’re almost 45 and have never had a long-term, commited relationship you have a serious, debilitating problem.

Clooney is a typical example of a man who has too many choices and is too weak to pick one and stick with it. He can bang the hottest or the horsiest woman in Hollywood, it doesn’t matter to him as long as he doesn’t have to deal with her shit.

Of course both Clooney and Hatcher have denied Page Six’s report that Clooney was the “mystery man” referred to in the Vanity Fair article:

Please. This story is so obvious that there’s no need to issue the obligatory denial.

Here is Clooney in NY on March 9th filming “Michael Clayton.” Hopefully the staff on the film teased him mercilessly for treating Teri Hatcher like garbage.

Four more after the jump.

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George Clooney has a long-standing reputation as a complete asshole when it comes to women. They only thing constant in Clooney’s life is his potbellied pig, and even the pig is on the outs.

That’s why Teri Hatcher is a fool for falling for her handsome neighbor after only a few weeks of dating. Page Six reports that Hatcher told her sad tale of childhood abuse in an erroneous attempt to share her pain at getting dumped by Clooney:

Teri, you dumb ass, you can’t change men. It’s also really, really lame to try to get a guy’s attention by being weak and needy. That’s why they leave in the first place. We all did this at one point in our dating careers, but Hatcher is old enough to know better than to make such a calculated and public mistake.

Ok, now I feel bad for ragging on Teri Hatcher and have to say that I hope I look that good at 41. In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Hatcher reveals that she was abused at age five by an uncle. The uncle was later convicted thanks to Teri’s statement to police testimony in another molestation case. Unfortunately, the victim committed suicide:

Teri testified went public with her story even though her career was languishing and she faced being called an attention hound by the press. You go, Teri. Even though Clooney is hot, he’s damaged goods and a womanizer so please pick someone who will treat you right. Also work on smiling normally at future events.

Update 3/10: Page Six reports that Hatcher went to police with her story, but did not testify in court.

George Clooney had an intimate dinner with his ex, hottie Krista Allen, the night before the Oscars. In just the past month, Clooney has been spotted with Renee Zellweger and was supposed to be dating his neighbor Teri Hatcher. Why gossip columns even try to keep up with Clooney’s love life is puzzling. His publicist is funny as usual:

Clearly Hatcher was busy getting ready for the Oscars and Clooney just couldn’t bear to be alone.