I’m fairly certain that Lindsay Lohan, star of “Mean Girls” has never actually seen “Mean Girls.” If she had, she’s know it’s bad to be a colossal bitch and get into petty fights with other colossal bitches. Never one to accidentally let herself be classy or decent, Lohan got into a catfight with fellow empty headed/empty hearted bitch Paris Hilton at Timbaland’s pre-Grammys party. Why were either of them going to the Grammys you ask? They’re just “actresses”/celebutards right? Well don’t forget that each of these classy gals has put out a CD. Were they well received? Well no. Did they suck ass? Pretty much. But apparently that means they get to go to the Grammys. And if that’s the only qualification, my cat should get to go to the Oscars, because he put out one fine YouTube movie.

If I were at some party where I didn’t belong (like for an awards show to honor good singers) I would do my best to sit there, look pretty, and keep my annoyingly big mouth shut. But Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are incapable of being classy like me, which means they had to fight over Timbaland and generally embarrass the crap out of themselves.

We watched open-mouthed as Lindsay pointed at Paris and snarled: “What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn’t know she was on the list.” To which Paris spat back: “F*** off you bitch.” We were caught in the crossfire of their extraordinary bust-up at Timbaland’s exclusive pre-Grammys bash at Avalon.

A source close to the pair explained to us: “Both of them want to work with Timbaland to revive their faltering music careers. Both saw the party as an ideal way of getting him on side - but they didn’t count on the other being there.”

Lindsay arrived at the party first. She made a beeline for the hit producer… and waved at him wildly over the barriers. Then Paris strolled in surrounded by a massive entourage and took up a seat directly opposite Li-Lo - and far closer to Timba. Clocking her rival, Lindsay began fluffing up her hair extensions and launched into verbal attack. After her outburst she flounced past Paris, giving the hotel heirhead a death stare. And taking a huge swig of Red Bull, she made her move - clambering over a sofa towards her prey. Not to be outdone, nimble Paris hurdled a barrier and flung herself at him first.

[From the Mirror]

I love the imagery this writer uses. I can actually see Lindsay Lohan jumping over furniture while Paris Hilton makes a beeline over an ottoman. Timbaland apparently just stared at the two girls and walked away without even acknowledging them. Which is probably the best way to handle Paris and Lindsay in any given situation. Here’s an idea for the two of them. While they both suck as acting, they both suck at singing a lot more. So why don’t the two of you pick the thing you’re the least bad at, and work on improving on that one thing? So instead of doing several things terribly, how about you just do the one thing and be mediocre at it?

Here’s some of that Lohan sexiness you just can’t get enough of - last night at the Grammys. Celebitchy pointed out, “She’s brown with flecks of orange.” Always an attractive look. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Professional and non-professional sports have been rocked by steroid scandals in the last few years. On Friday we told you about Marion Jones getting six months in prison for lying to a federal grand jury about her steroid use. It’s now becoming clear that the use of steroids and human growth hormones spreads much further than the sports world. In an ongoing inquiry, the Albany County district attorney has found thousands of people that have illegally obtained prescriptions for steroids or HGH, including rappers 50 Cent, Timbaland, and Wyclef Jean, along with singer Mary J. Blige and writer/producer/actor/morality comedian Tyler Perry.

It’s obviously pretty unlikely that any of these celebrities were taking steroids to increase their home runs. The more likely motivation is bulking up and anti-aging.

A spokeswoman for Ms. Blige, Karynne Tencer, said: “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” Ms. Tencer added that Ms. Blige had not taken any antiaging steroids either.

Representatives for the others were not immediately available for comment.

None of the celebrities was accused of violating the law. Instead, the investigation has focused on stopping the flow of the drugs by cracking down on doctors who illegally prescribe them without seeing patients, and on the so-called anti-aging clinics, pharmacies and other distributors that supply the drugs.

[From the New York Times]

I was looking at pictures of the above mentioned celebrities, speculating about what they might have taken steroids or HGH for. With Mary J. Blige, I’d assume it’s about anti-aging, as it’s pretty rare (though obviously not unheard of) for a woman to try to bulk up. Tyler Perry is also very youthful looking – when I first saw him perform a few years ago, I assumed he was in his late twenties, but he’s actually 38. Wyclef Jean is 35, and looking pretty good in recent photos on Splash’s website. 50 Cent, 32, has always had a bit of a baby face, and Timbaland, 36, I would say looks about his age. It’s really hard to guess what people might have been using steroids or HGH for. Lighting, makeup, and genetics all play a big part in how celebrities look in photographs. Unless someone’s quickly gotten huge, it’s pretty hard to speculate about steroids. But something tells me at least half of the people mentioned were probably worried more about anti-aging than they are about looking beefy.

It’s important to note that none of these celebs have been accused of breaking the law, but rather of patronizing doctors, clinics, and pharmacies that are prescribing the drugs illegally.

Steroids are regulated as controlled substances, but growth hormone is not. Proposed legislation would reclassify growth hormone and more tightly restrict its use… drugs were shipped to celebrities, sometimes under pseudonyms, at their homes, studios and hotels and through the Clay Fitness Club and Spa on West 14th Street in Manhattan and the director of its antiaging and longevity program, Dr. Michael Diamond, a chiropractor from Long Island. He declined to comment because of patient confidentiality, the newspaper said.

According to The Times Union, records showed that prescriptions for Ms. Blige and other performers were signed by Dr. Gary Brandwein, an osteopath from Florida. He has been charged with felony drug violations in the Albany investigation and has pleaded not guilty.

[From the New York Times]

The point of the investigation (supposedly) is not to catch/arrest people for using steroids or human growth hormone, but rather to curb the flow of illegal prescriptions of steroids and soon regulate HGH. But this information is obviously a little embarrassing to Wyclef Jean, Timbaland, 50 Cent, and Mary J Blige. I think it probably has the biggest chance of hurting Tyler Perry. He’s certainly one of the least famous of the bunch, but his reputation is built on writing/producing/acting in modern day morality plays. He holds himself up as a pretty straight-laced, upstanding citizen. It’s clear he’s not accused of breaking the law, but being associated with any type of steroid “scandal” is definitely bad for business.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Tyler Perry at the premiere of “The Great Debaters” in Los Angeles on December 11th. Header image of Mary J. Blige at the 40/40 Club Grand Opening in Las Vegas on December 30th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Megahit producer Timbaland hints at a rift with Britney in a new interview with MTV. He says he would work with her again,but only if she apologizes. He won’t say what happened, just that “She knows what she’s sorry about.”

He says Britney doesn’t have a comeback story yet, that she hasn’t really let enough people help her and has royally screwed herself by trying to go it alone. It sounds to me like she told him she didn’t need his help and wasn’t nice about it.

Now Timbo has even more advice to give her about getting her career back on track. “She needs a story,” he said. “She has no comeback story. That’s the problem. She has to have a team. She needs to come back with Justin doing records; [then we’d see headlines like,] ‘She went back to her ex and she’s making smashes.’ [But instead she got] so big-headed and [was] like, ‘Screw you, screw you, I don’t need nobody.’ ”

So is there any chance for Spears to rectify the situation and possibly work with Timberlake and Timbaland? Yes, says the super-producer — if she apologizes.

“She should humble herself and make a phone call and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ She knows what she’s sorry about,” Tim said. “She needs to say, ‘I was wrong,’ and it’ll definitely move forward. … That’s all she has to say.”

[MTV.com via WeSmirch]

That’s good of the guy to say he’ll work with her, but he knows that Britney will make him a lot of money so it’s not like it’s all about charity.

Meanwhile the American Idol judges say they want to help Britney too. Yesterday Simon was talking smack about her, but today they’re extending a hand to get some free publicity:

“We have decided we can bring Britney back,” the normally caustic Cowell confirmed. “We are serious. We plan to buy her underpants, get her bigger shorts to perform in and get her away from her stupid friends.”

[Fox News]

That’s nice that they’re not telling her to work out, and are just talking about covering up properly. Of course Cowell outlined his comeback program for Britney yesterday and it involved hitting the gym, so it sounds like he lightened up a little when giving Brit this public appeal that she’s never going to take.

Britney is said to have stayed out until 6am the night before the VMAs, not 4am as was previously reported. Those extra two hours of sleep wouldn’t have made her able to magically dance and lipsynch properly, though.

And in related unsurprising news, her abs were tan airbrushed on before her VMA performance. I find it hard to believe she even let someone airbrush them on, considering how over-confident she was in her appearance. I imagine her saying “Ma stomach looks gud. Don’t point that gun at me.” I was wondering how she looked so cut with a normal stomach, but it didn’t occur to me that her abs were painted on. Someone did a good job, unlike Britney.

Britney is shown outside her lawyer’s office yesterday, where she had a four hour meeting with K-Fed which was said to be about custody of their boys. Thanks to Splash News for these pictures.

It turns out that Kanye West is a much bigger man than we all thought. Remember his embarrassing tantrum after losing in all five categories for which he was nominated at the VMAs? Well it turns out that wasn’t the real problem – according to him. Britney opening up was sorta a problem, but the real problem? He was one of four singers performing in an “intimate performance suite” instead of on the main stage. The Foo Fighters, Fall Out Boy, and Justin Timberlake/Timbaland were also given performance suites, and we didn’t hear them screaming and hollering about it.

“Kanye West has revealed the real reason behind his angry incident at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday (September 9). For Sunday’s event, West was among four performers who were given intimate ‘performance suites’ at the Palm’s Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Fall Out Boy, Foo Fighters and duo Justin Timberlake and Timbaland were also given suites.

“MTV broadcast many performances from the suites throughout the ceremony, though West was upset at not being on the Main Stage explaining: ‘Everybody thinks I snapped from not winning, but there’s a lot of things that happen behind the scenes where you’re just not given a fair shake.’ Speaking on BET’s 106 & Park yesterday, West says he was ‘talked into’ performing at a suite. He recalled: ‘It was always my dream to open the award shows with “Stronger”, and they talked me into doing the suite thing. Then when they had Britney open, I said “How are you going to have Britney open? Because she’s not ready”.

[From NME]

Apparently Kanye was told the main stage didn’t look good – though it’s unclear why from his vague phrasing. It seems like he means people would all be seated instead of standing and cheering, and that wouldn’t look as good on television. So he was talked into the performance suites, which would have a more relaxed vibe or something.

“‘We’ve been touring across the world. Give it to the artists that deserve it, you know what I’m saying? I wouldn’t have been mad if they opened it with Fall Out Boy or if they opened it with Timbaland.’ West said when he pushed the issue, he was told that the Main Stage did not ‘look good’. ‘They told me, “That theatre stage, man, it don’t look good, you don’t want to perform on that, they’re gonna be sitting down. You don’t want that, you just need the suite.”’

“‘So I’m sitting backstage, and I already hate the fact that I didn’t win no awards, and I see Justin getting ready. I say “Where are you going?” and he says I’m going to perform” and I say “Where?” and says “On the Main Stage”, and I said “The stage that they won’t let me perform on?” And that’s when I was like “Give a black man a chance!”’ West explained before sarcastically apologising to US conservatives ‘I’m sorry middle America, I’m sorry red states.’”

[From NME]

So it seems that, according to West, what actually set him off was Timberlake perform on the main stage even though he’d been in an “intimate performing suite” too. Oh the complications and drama of the VMAs. He obviously did admit that he was already pretty riled up about not winning. It seems like at that point, Kanye was just looking for a reason to explode. He gave the interview in a tone that made it sound like, “Oh here’s my really good explanation that makes it all okay.” It seems like, instead of being petty about one thing, he’s just admitting he was being petty about a different thing. I’m not sure how that helps him seem like a better sport, but whatever. In other news, West’s new album “Graduation” is outselling 50 Cent’s “Curtis” by about 200,000 so far. I hate that someone with his attitude is winning. Someone go buy 200,001 of 50 Cent’s CD, please. You can throw them off a pier for all I care, just don’t let Kanye’s ego get any bigger. I think it might endanger his health.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Kanye at his 30th birthday bash in New York in June. Images thanks to PR Photos.

If you’re anything like me, you were probably sitting around, looking at your wall, and thinking, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the richest rap mogul of them all?” If your mirror said Jay-Z, you should give it some Windex. Jay-Z was just named the richest rapper by Forbes.com. I thought they were supposed to spend their time talking about financial markets, stocks, and making people panic over real estate. But it seems that lately, Forbes is spending the majority of their time coming out with “The richest…” lists. Last week they had “The richest bald man” and “The richest one legged farmer.” Okay not really, but I would read Forbes a lot more if they did. Okay not really.

“Jay-Z wins all around, says Forbes.com. He’s got Beyonce on his arm _ and more millions than 50 Cent and Diddy. The rap icon, aka Shawn Carter, is No. 1 on the site’s list of “Hip-Hop Cash Kings,” based solely on 2006 income. He banked an estimated $34 million, Forbes.com said Thursday.

“Jay-Z, president and CEO of Def Jam Recordings, released his 11th studio album, ‘Kingdom Come,’ which sold around 2 million copies. Jay-Z, 37, is also part owner of the New Jersey Nets and has endorsement deals with Budweiser, Hewlett-Packard and General Motors.”

[From Forbes.com]

It might be good to be Jay-Z – yeah you have a lot of money, and Beyonce at your beck and call singing that “Cater 2U” song (blech) – but you’d also have to deal with that crazy mother of hers, Tina Knowles. You know, that lady that’s always trying to drape people in the fur of live puppies? Well her clothing line is one of the few out there that still uses fur, and to me it’s all the same thing. Who else makes a lot of money and doesn’t come wit the bizarre mother?

“Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson ranks second with an estimated $32 million. The 31-year-old rapper-businessman oversees his G-Unit record label, clothing line, ring tones and other enterprises, and has sold more than 11 million albums. His latest record, ‘Curtis,’ is due out Sept. 11.

“Diddy (real name: Sean Combs) placed third with an estimated $28 million. A fashion plate, he has a clothing line, Sean John, and heads Bad Boy Worldwide Entertainment and its record label. Diddy, 37, is also host of MTV’s ‘Making the Band’ series.

“Rounding out the top five are Timbaland ($21 million) and Dr. Dre ($20 million). They’re followed by Eminem ($18 million); Snoop Dogg, Kanye West, Pharrell Williams and Scott Storch (all $17 million); Ludacris and T.I. (both $16 million); Outkast and Lil Jon (both $14 million); Ice Cube ($13 million); Jermaine Dupri and Swizz Beatz (both $12 million); Chamillionaire and The Game (both $11 million); and Young Joc ($10 million).”

[From Forbes.com]

You could be at the bottom of that group and still be doing pretty well for yourself. I have no idea who Swizz Beatz (sounds like the name of a cheap watch) or any of the guys after him are, but I’m pretty sure I could learn to love them, given the chance.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Jay-Z and Beyonce at the Black and White Ball. Header image of Jay-Z at Giant Magazine’s celebration of Rihanna’s new album on June 3rd. Images thanks to PR Photos.