I haven’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep in at least a week. I have no idea what’s changed, but suddenly I’m awake for hours in the middle of the night. Last Wednesday, I was having weird dreams about Avril Lavigne trying to make soup out of me. Last night, it was about the New Kids on the Block reunion. Somehow they’d turned it into a reality show, and I was the judge, but there were weird sexual overtones and an oddly big microphone. And I have a feeling that tonight’s nightmare will most likely feature incredibly scary images of Victoria Beckham, naked, having sex, and in some way impaling me with her pointy scissor legs. Why? Because I’ve just learned that the image of Posh’s husband, David Beckham, is being used to promote a brand of Chinese condoms. They’re not actually endorsed by Beckham – in fact it appears many of the Chinese people are rather mortified, as they really like the soccer star and don’t want to offend him. But just putting his face on the box has made it the number one selling condom in China. Something tells me they didn’t use one of the “seductive” photos that also features Posh.

A Chinese firm is using soccer star David Beckham’s name to promote its brand of condoms - without his permission. The firm is claiming men who use the Beckham contraceptive - which has become the best-selling in China - will score in bed like the L.A. Galaxy star does on the pitch.

But fans in the country are calling for a ban on the condoms - because they don’t want to offend the British sportsman.

A fan explains, “We do not want Beckham to think the Chinese people are disrespecting him. We love him here.” A spokesman for Beckham says, “It’s not an official brand.”

[From PR-Insider]

Does using Beckham’s condom mean you have to think about Posh when you’re having sex? I’m pretty sure that would kill nearly any intimate moment. I’m not sure it’s the smartest long-term move by that condom company - I would think that’d knock your sales down by at least thirty percent. Can you imagine the injuries that implants that hard and pointy could cause? Jokes about poking an eye out aside – you really could end up with some sort of spleen puncture or something. Considering the Beckham’s “business savvy” (i.e. ability to make a lot of unnecessary cash from sticking their pictures and names on random products) I’m pretty sure we’ll end up with “Intimately Beckham” condoms here by the end of the week. In other Posh/David news, “Intimately Beckham” was on sale for 15% of its original price at my local Target yesterday.

Picture note by Celebitchy: David and Victoria Beckham are shown in a spread in W Magazine that came out last summer, and in an ad for their perfume.

Victoria Beckham has hit back at suggestions that David’s Goldenballs were digitally enhanced for his Giorgio Armani campaign.

She says, “I’m proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion. He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!”

KGET

I wondered what Beck’s might think about his penis being described this way. Is his wife complaining about the size of the package? Is David embarrassed by public discussion of his privates? Probably not, a man who is willing to pose nearly naked for a global advertising campaign is likely to be very comfortable in his own skin. Maybe David told Posh to say this?

I had a closer look at the pictures of David to see if I thought they were digitally enhanced. I had no idea if the pictures were altered. So I kept looking a bit longer. There was no reason to keep examining the picture, but if you look for yourself, you might find yourself similarly captivated.

Sales of white undies similar to the ones worn in the campaign are up 50% in Selfridges department store in the UK. Obviously David’s Goldenballs are doing their job.

The Spice Girls must have the most restrained and logical concert rider in history. We recently reported on some of the crazy celebrity contract riders as mentioned in the book “The Little Red Riders Book: The Backstage Requests Of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Most Famous Artists” by Steve Lamacq. Among a few of the better ones were Mariah Carey’s request for Cristal champagne, one box of bendy straws, one special attendant to dispose of used chewing gum, tea service for eight, a Honey Bear pack of honey, two air purifiers, a puppy, and kittens. And Mariah’s request were certainly not the most outlandish. Marilyn Manson requested a bald toothless hooker (which we hope was simply a reflection of his dark sense of humor) while David Hasselhoff requests a life-size cutout… of David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming frozen in that dramatic beach rescue running pose.

By comparison, the Spice Girls don’t exactly seem like the divas they used to be portrayed as.

All five have submitted a rider asking for a regular supply of light salads, steamed fish and fresh fruit. Geri Halliwell has asked for Evian and Melanie Brown will have sparkling spring water. [Melanie] Chisholm wants a kettle in her dressing room, Emma Bunton will have scented candles, slippers and flowers while Victoria Beckham’s fridge will be replenished daily with edamame soya beans.

[From the Daily Mail]

The most lavish thing the girls have requested is a daycare to be installed at London’s O2 Arena, where they’re playing 17 sold-out dates. Considering all the kids and nannies they’ll have in tow, it seems pretty reasonable.

The Spice Girls have had a creche [daycare] installed at the O2 ahead of their 17 nights of sell-out gigs.

The group - who, with the exception of Melanie Chisholm, are all now mothers - have requested the facility so their small army of child-minders can keep the children occupied during their two-hour concerts, which start tomorrow.

An insider said: “They all want their babies close by and looked after, so their nannies also come with the package.”

[From the Daily Mail]

When I first started researching this story, I assumed it would head in the direction of “Spice Girls have crazy diva demands.” I also assumed a creche was some type of fancy air ionizer or something. Since the article just called the arena the O2, I was thinking oxygen. So I was mightily disappointed – though impressed – that the girls were just asking for a quiet, fun place to put their kids. So far their concerts are getting pretty good reviews. Emma Bunton took a spill during a show last week and sprained her ankle, but has continued to perform, despite her leg being wrapped and hobbling around on crutches. Say what you want about their talent, but either they’re keeping their petty differences to themselves, or the Spice Girls are – at the very least – consummate professionals.

Picture note by Jaybird: Header image of the Spice Girls (with Sir Richard Branson) opening Virgin Atlantic’s new terminal at Heathrow Airport yesterday. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Victoria Beckham says she’s actually a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. From all the reruns of “Will & Grace” I’ve seen lately, I’m under the stereotypical impression that that’s every gay man’s fantasy. Trapped in an ultra-thin fashionista’s body? Married to David Beckham? Okay to be fair there’s a chance it’s half my fantasy too. Speaking of stereotypes, it appears that Victoria’s impression of gay men follows all the classics… though despite my joking, I’m not sure how accurate it is.

Victoria Beckham has said she is a gay man trying to escape from a woman’s body and that she sleeps in the nude. In the new issue of Elle magazine, Posh said: ‘I’m so camp! I’m such a gay man trying to get out. I don’t give a [bleep] what anybody thinks!’

She also spoke of her sleeping habits with husband David Beckham. ‘I sleep naked,’ she revealed. ‘I’m going to be naked if I’m getting in bed with him every night.’

The 33-year-old, who is back on tour with The Spice Girls, put the boot into the wannabes trying to steal her celeb queen crown. ‘There are so many - and I hate the word celebrities - clothing lines and fragrances, and most of them have nothing to do with it.

[From Metro UK]

Victoria sure does seem the type to just throw caution to the wind. Boy they’re really trying to push the whole, “Posh Spice has lots of personality/is loads of fun/is totally a ham!” angle lately. Bad PR flashback anyone? I’m sorry, I’m not buying it. I’ve seen Posh smile twice in photos in the last ten years, and both times it’s because David Beckham made his peck muscles dance. The only way I can guarantee that she’s like a gay man is that she wants to sleep naked next to David. Although that also makes her like a straight woman. Frankly, it probably makes her like 99% of the reasonable population. I don’t want to meet the person who wouldn’t sleep naked next to David Beckham if given the chance.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Victoria with Dita Von Teese at Paris Fashion Week on October 5th. Clearly she’s camp and doesn’t give a f%$# what anybody thinks. Photos thanks to PR Photos.

David Beckham recently came down and played a game of soccer in New Zealand, met some Maori and ate out. Now it seems that the tablescraps from his fast food jaunts are worth more than a fresh burger. A lot more.

Soccer superstar David Beckham’s backwash is a hot commodity, with memorabilia hunters in New Zealand bidding up to $5000 for a partly drunk Coke bottle.

One seller is offering for sale a Coke bottle from which the soccer star allegedly drank during his recent visit to the country.

In an effort to attract bids, the seller notes on the Trademe online auction site that the bottle is still one quarter full.

“Mostly backwash I would imagine,” the seller says in answer to a query.

The bottle - which has attracted one bid of $5000 - is said to have been left on a table by Beckham after he ate at a fast-food restaurant in Wellington.

The seller said buyers are welcome to do a DNA test to prove the authenticity of the product, but also provides a picture of themselves with Beckham.

Melbourne Herald Sun

Ew, gross. The report of a $5,000 offer is greatly exaggerated, since if you view the listing it’s at $50 with no offers at all. Are you a true Beckham fan, because buying a bottle of backwashed, warm Coke would have to be the ultimate proof.

Becks also ate fried chicken, coleslaw and corn at a fast food joint in Wellington, and the cutlery and scraps were also put up for auction. I’m guessing that fried chicken is rarely on teh menu when posh is doing teh cooking. Or instructing someone else to do the cooking. She doesn’t strike me as the baking type.

Beckham played while in New Zealand with a broken rib. What, you can play a demonstration match with a broken rib but you can’t play out your multimillion dollar Galaxy contract with just a sore knee?

Beck’s left New Zealand and caught the first Spice Girls concert, and gave the girls a gift that should make them very, very happy.

We’re used to David Beckham splashing out on presents for his other half.

But Becks surprised his wife and the rest of the Spice Girls when he bought £50,000 of stunning diamond-encrusted bracelets for them all.

Posh told us: “He knows I’m really nervous about him seeing me back on stage, so he bought us all these bracelets for good luck. It’s like the old days. David spent a lot of time around the girls when we first got together - it’s as though he married all of us. He’s the original Spice Boy.”

Mirror

A diamond bracelet? For each of them? That is pretty generous, when most people go on holiday all you get is a t-shirt, or a keyring.

Picture note by Celebitchy David Beckham is shown at his youth soccer clinic on 8/17/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

The Spice Girls world tour kicks off this weekend, and it’s been a busy week for the girls. Geri Halliwell blogs on the lead up to the first show on Sunday in Vancouver.

I actually feel like I’m in the Spice bubble… we are encapsulated in this world where we are just immersed in each other’s lives constantly. Just before the run through of the show this morning, Mel B, Victoria and I even went to the loo together… in separate cubicles, obviously!

But of course… there’s also my daughter Bluebell. She loves hanging with the Beckham boys. Cruz and Bluebell have play dates, and Romeo – well, he is just gorgeous with her. Actually, it was a beautiful moment when we were rehearsing the other day and all of our kids were playing on the stage at the same time. It made me smile.

As you probably know, Mel B was in the live final of Dancing With The Stars and we surprised her on Monday down at the show. She was so shocked, it’s the first time we’ve ever seen her quiet! She was with us in rehearsals yesterday morning and then went to the studio in evening for the results show. She SO should have won… I’m very disappointed. But we are all so incredibly proud of her. You’re a winner to us Mel!

Read the full entry at thespicegirls.com

Mel B was robbed! Robbed I tell ya!

The girls were also visited by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this week, and surprised them with an impromptu performance.

Tom and Katie’s 19-month-old Suri danced around as the band belted out a selection of their greatest hits.

Following the surprise visit, Victoria - who is married to England soccer star David Beckham - said: “David and I are great friends with Tom and Katie. It was lovely of them to come down to rehearsals, a really nice surprise.

“Katie has told me before that she used to be a huge Spice Girls fan, so it was great for her to meet the other girls.”

Stuff

In other Victoria Beckham news, she’s just been announced as the new face of the Marc Jacobs campaign. We’re unsure whether her new boobs have been temporarily added at the designer’s request, or if they are a permanent fixture. They’re definitely nicer than her old half melons.

Sadly, the Spice Girls aren’t coming to my town. Still, video of the shows should be up on YouTube before I even make it out of bed. I’ll be listening to their CDs, and watching their movie this weekend. Not because they’re on tour – I do it most weekends…

Picture note by Jaybird: The Spice Girls made a surprise visit to the studio’s of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ to support Melanie Brown. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Despite being a bit estranged, David Beckham flew home to London today after learning that his father Ted had suffered a heart attack. Two years ago, Ted Beckham had written an unauthorized book titled, “David Beckham: My Son” that had reportedly caused a rift between father and son. However David still rushed home upon learning of his father’s condition.

“David Beckham flew back to the U.K. Thursday after his father, Ted Beckham, suffered a heart attack. The Los Angeles-based soccer star, 32, dropped everything and dashed to the airport as soon as he was told the news. ‘His father has had a heart attack and is currently being treated in [the] hospital,’ the athlete’s rep confirms. ‘David is flying back to be with him. He is obviously incredibly concerned and wants to be with him.’

“The elder Beckham, 59, from east London, suffered chest pains Wednesday evening. A London Ambulance Service spokeswoman confirms that its dispatchers were called and arrived just after 9:20 p.m. Ted Beckham underwent an operation to unblock his artery, his son’s rep tells PEOPLE. A spokeswoman at the London Chest Hospital says the elder Beckham is in ‘stable’ condition. He is reported to be in the intensive care unit.”

[From People]

And where is lovely wife Victoria Beckham, you ask? Well she was supposedly on “business” in Japan, but rushed to join her husband. And when they say business, I assume they mean the business of shopping, as that appears to be all Victoria does. And Japan would make a lot of sense – it’s a virtual treasure trove of Victoria Beckham-sized outfits.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s some old, but cute, Beckham photos from last September. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Victoria Beckham and Courtney Love looked positively unhuman at the Marc Jacobs fashion show in NY last night. With messy curly hair, nails bitten to the quick, and an oddly angular face Courtney Love looked strange enough. She emphasized her unnatural appearance with freaky light blue contact lenses and pastel makeup. She looked plastically enhanced and made up but beat up, like a poorly-crafted sex doll test model that never made it out of the factory after it was eagerly tested by randy QA workers.

Victoria Beckham also looked like a doll that someone screwed up the proportions on. She wore a skin tight silver and purple dress with a criss-cross front that emphasized her melon boobs. Her chin looked particularly pointy and she contorted her face in various expressions that managed to convey the changes in her mood from haughty to stuck up. She had on some kind of shimmery body glitter that completed the look by making her bronzed skin look even faker than usual.

Celebrities must feel a lot of pressure to look perfect considering all the blogs and gossip magazines that pick them apart. When they go overboard like this, though, they make it all too easy.

Photoshop composite from PlanetHiltron.com

This sounds like pure fabrication based on the known fact that Posh was gunning to buy Madonna’s LA mansion, but I’m not above reporting it because it’s pretty juicy. Victoria Beckham is said to have bugged the shit out of Madonna in order to get her hands on her LA place. Madonna wasn’t having it and doubled the price, but Posh called her bluff and was willing to meet Madonna’s demands. Madonna then took the house off the market and shut Posh down when she kept pleading with her for it, including telling her that her marriage with David depended on it:

Madonna recently put her LA house on the market, attracting the interest of, and a generous offer from, the Beckhams. The kudos of living in Madge’s old gaff was simply too much for Victoria to resist.

So far so good, until Madonna changed her mind about selling and, to put Victoria off, upped the price slightly. By $10m. Victoria’s response? To match the ridiculous new asking price, leaving an exasperated Madonna with nothing to do other than take the place off the market.

Cue Posh phoning Madonna endlessly, whining about how denying them their dream home would destroy her and David’s marriage. Madonna pointed out that she had a perfectly good reason for withdrawing the house from sale; it had an apartment in the grounds that was ideal for her elderly and ailing father who she wanted to do her best by.

Posh’s response? “Sell me the house and he can come to visit as often as he wants!”

All of which elicited a terse “Fuck off!” from Madonna before she slammed the phone down for good.

[From the Holy Moly e-mail newsletter]

The Beckhams are now settled in their Beverly Hills estate, complete with a state of the art 1/2 million closet organization computer to help Posh make sure she doesn’t wear the same tiny outfit and matching color Birkin bag twice in a row.

In a recent entry to her blog, Posh demonstrated that she hasn’t quite got a handle on American vernacular, calling their home “totally major”:

“I am loving our new house — it is totally major!” she gushed in the first update on her blog since they moved in. “Just adding some of the finishing touches to it actually and then it really will feel like home.”

Posh Spice raved about Los Angeles’ warm weather and said she’s been checking out the city’s restaurants and, as she called them, beauty parlors.

“Well, you never know when you might need a facial!” she wrote.

[MSNBC]

And her husband finally started earning his $250 million paycheck from LA Galaxy, scoring a goal against DC United on Wednesday after a knee injury sidelined him for 8 weeks. While her husband celebrated on the field Posh didn’t even crack a smile. Maybe she was thinking about Madonna’s refusal to sell her mansion at any cost.

There are some things in life money can’t buy. For all those other empty feelings there’s excessive consumerism and starving yourself.

Header picture is a Photoshop composite from the talented artist at PlanetHiltron. Who wants to look at another picture of Posh in bug glasses anyway?

David Beckham has been benched for 8 weeks since he sprained his left ankle on June 6 in a qualifier match for the European championship between England’s national team and Estonia. He’s hardly earning his $250 million paycheck from L.A. Galaxy. He’s definitely boosted ticket sales, but if he continues to be sidelined than revenue is likely to suffer.

Sunday’s match at Boston’s Gillette stadium between L.A. Galaxy and New England Revolution is sold out, as is tonight’s soccer match in RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C. against D.C. United. A lot of that is due to Beckham’s celebrity draw, which is rather unique in the sport of soccer.

In a press conference yesterday in Washington DC, Beckham said he wouldn’t start in tonight’s game, but that “hopefully, I’ll play some part of it.”

Boston fans are also hopeful that Beckham will strut his golden stuff at their match in three days, but it’s likely to only be for a short time.

Beckham trained for the first time with LA Galaxy just yesterday at RFK stadium in Washington DC. He was said to have only participated in “light training” and his ankle is still giving him trouble.

The manager of the England national football team, Steve McClaren, is set to visit Beckham in the states today, but Beckham doesn’t think that he’ll get to see him play that much. He thinks he’ll be good for about ten minutes play, and that he “can’t really apologise for being injured.”

But Beckham said that if McClaren was hoping to watch him play against DC United, he would see only him coming off the bench for a few minutes at best. The midfielder is struggling with an ankle injury that threatens to prevent him from playing in England’s Aug 22 friendly against Germany…

“I spoke to Steve a couple of days ago,” Beckham said. “We spoke about how my fitness was and how my ankle was. But whether it’s worth him coming over to see me for just 10 minutes I’m not so sure.”

Beckham took part in light training with his team-mates at the RFK Stadium yesterday - the first time he has practised along with the rest of the team since joining the club - but his ankle injury continues to bother him.

“He did train,” a Galaxy spokesman said. “He’s still doubtful for the game.”

DC United have sold all 45,000 tickets for a game that will be nationally televised.

Beckham, 32, added: “It’s an injury that everyone knew about when I first arrived. There will obviously be people who don’t understand, but I can’t really apologise for being injured, it’s a way of life for a sportsman. I’m hoping to spend some time on the field but that’s not definite yet.”

[From Telegraph.co.uk]

And rumor has it that the New England Revolution and the New England Patriots are setting up a hunky sports star pregame photo opportunity featuring David Beckham and new soon-to-be dad and fellow sports celebrity Tom Brady. Beckham has got to earn that quarter of a billion somehow. [Details from Boston Herald]

Here are pictures of Beckham at the press conference yesterday. Thanks to WENN.