That vampire from Twilight who looks like she has no business having blonde hair and the guy from American Idol who looks like Chris Kattan with a beard got married. These two crazy kids are 23 and 27 and have been dating a whole seven months. They met on a red carpet for the Red Riding Hood premiere on March 8 of this year. There’s video of them meeting all cute and everything, it’s at :52 here. Now these two are married, having made it official at a weekend ceremony in Malibu attended by 100 friends and family.

Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald said “I do” Sunday at a private ranch in Malibu, Calif. on Sunday in front of 100 guests, Reed’s rep confirms to Us Weekly exclusively.

“We couldn’t be happier!” the 23-year-old Twilight star and former American Idol season 10 contestant, 27, tell Us. “[We were] surrounded by our family and friends. We’re so glad this day has come!”

Reed and McDonald confirmed their engagement to Us in June after just two months of dating.

The couple first met at the premiere of Little Red Riding Hood in March. “You’re amazing,” she told him. “I’m blushing! I should go.”

McDonald clearly felt the same about his future wife. A month later, the singer moved in to Reed L.A. home. He admitted to Us that his instant connection with the actress was “weird,” especially since he wasn’t exactly a Twi-hard.

“I haven’t ever actually watched any of her movies. I don’t know too much of her career at all, but the person she is is super cool,” he said.

But even if he’s not first in line for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, McDonald feels like he landed the jackpot with Reed. “She’s amazing. She’s the perfect girl,” he gushed to MTV News. “We fit each other; when you know, you know, and she’s the one.”

[From US Weekly]

I think they’re sincere about each other, and I wish them well and everything. They got married really fast though and I doubt they had much time to stop and question whether they were ready to spend the rest of their lives together. They seem sweet and only moderately fame-whorey, so maybe they’ll make it work. Or maybe their divorce will be a secondary story that we’ll all shrug at in ten months time.

photos are from 6/19/11 and 10/4/11. Credit: PRPhotos

I know I said yesterday that I wasn’t going to watch Kim Kardashian’s four hour long wedding special, spread out over two nights on E! for maximum commercial coverage. Yesterday, though, I gave in and watched about fifteen minutes that I had taped of Sunday’s show while I was folding laundry. In that episode, Kim and Kris were just starting to try to live together, something that a lot of couples consider important to figure out before they get married. (I lived with my husband for over a year before we made it official. I get that this isn’t the traditional route and that it doesn’t fit in with accelerated reality show filming schedules.)

Kris has some little dogs that he clearly adores and is very sweet with. He pampers the dogs and lets them sleep in his bed, which Kim of course was not having. Kim even got grossed out when Kris cleaned up his dog’s poo outside, which almost every dog owner does on a daily basis. (Except the assh*le across from me in my complex. I am constantly busting him without a plastic bag while his dog craps on my lawn.)

It wasn’t clear how much of Kim and Kris’ conflicts were played up or maybe made up for the cameras, but it struck me how totally different they are. Kris is from the Midwest and he seems pretty down to earth and low key while Kim is incredibly high maintenance and has been spoiled her entire life. It’s possible they’ll end up balancing each other out somehow, but I seriously doubt it. E! has the details of last night’s wedding extravaganza, and I guess that Kim and Kris were so at odds that they didn’t even sit together during the rehearsal dinner.

There’s footage on E!’s website (also above) of Kim complaining to friends about Kris’ new little mustache, which he grew as an act of defiance. She smiles as she says in her nasally tone “I hate him. Every last thing about him annoys me.” Usually that comes a few years after you get married. Then Kris goes and sits at a full table with his friends instead of with Kim. (Kaiser says that he was an obvious douche here.) Again, it’s possible this was all orchestrated for the cameras but it doesn’t look good for these two. The way E! tells it, the multi-million dollar wedding fixed their relationship problems though, the way showy wealth always makes things better.

“We Hate Each Other”: It wasn’t looking good for Kim and a newly mustachioed Kris (an act of groom defiance, we get it, but ew!) two nights before they said their I-dos, when they ended up eating with their backs to each other at their rehearsal dinner at Scarpetta in Beverly Hills. Maybe they were just hungry and cranky, though, because the warring duo had cozied up by the time Bruce and Kris Jenner and New Jersey Net Jordan Farmar made their cute speeches. “This wedding is about love…and let’s just enjoy every moment,” Kim realized.

Diamonds Are a Bride’s Best Friend: Right before go-time, as Kim was getting her makeup done, a gift from the groom arrives: No big deal, just a massive diamond bracelet, featuring two K’s knotted together. Kourtney Kardashian noted how Kim usually picks out every present she’s about to be given beforehand, so the fact that Kris managed to more-than-pleasantly surprise her…Oohs and ahs all around!

Here Comes the Bride! Kim and Kris’ road to the altar was a bit bumpy, but all was forgotten the second Kim appeared on the aisle in her custom Vera Wang gown (her first of the night, that is) with the hand-stitched bodice and endless train. Kris was blown away, the entire Kardashian family looked on the verge of bursting into happy tears, and then Bruce gave the bride away. Kim and Kris looked into each other’s eyes as the pastor shared words that the couple had written about each other. They exchanged vows and kissed. “I would like to present, for the very first time,” the pastor announced, “Mr. and Mrs. Kris Humphries!”

“It was the cutest thing ever! Seeing this really makes me feel so much better,” the initially skeptical Khloé reflected later on. “If this is what Kris does for her, oh my god, I’m all for it!”

[From E! Online]

Khloe says at the end of that quoted article above that she was relieved to see the wedding go so well. This is in reference to an ongoing feud she had with her then-future brother-in-law, which played out on the show. It’s hard to tell how much of that was cooked up by producers, but it’s yet another thing that doesn’t bode well for Kim and Kris’ marriage. Kim is close to her sisters, and the fact that Khloe didn’t like Kris was affecting Kim and Khloe’s relationship.

Yesterday Kim said she’s going to wait a year to have babies. That probably means she’s going to wait a year to see if she should have babies with Kris, considering how much she’s talked in the past about wanting to have kids. She married the guy and got a ton of promotion and cash out of the deal. I think she knows that this is a starter marriage. Oh wait – she’s already been married once. So I guess this is her second husband. Are we going to see the divorce play out on television too?

Dear God, these photos are just TOO CUTE. I love old people. I’m not saying that in a mean, bitchy “Paul McCartney is so OLD” way. I’m saying that in a “It must be cool to be insanely rich and at an age where you no longer give a crap” way. These are photos of Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell’s wedding, which just happened a short while ago in London. Nancy wore this adorable little white dress, which was designed by her new step-daughter Stella. I want this dress! Nancy looks so sexy! Paul looks dashing and handsome too – they are a lovely couple. I swear, this was like another royal wedding – Paul and Nancy posed happily for photos all weekend as they were making preparations for their wedding, and it just shows how they’re both happy, content and old pros at all of this. I love that they posed for photos coming in and leaving the ceremony too. So sweet.

He loves her yeah, yeah, yeah! After days of wedding preparations, Paul McCartney and New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell exchanged vows during an afternoon ceremony in London.

The couple, who have been dating since 2007 and were engaged in May were greeted with cheers as they arrived at the Old Marylebone Town Hall, which was opened especially for the event.

Shevell, 51, wore a flower in her hair and long-sleeved, v-neck, knee-length ivory dress and shoes by her new stepdaughter, fashion designer Stella McCartney, who also made her father’s navy blue suit.

Paul’s youngest daughter Beatrice, 7, served as the flower girl and was seen wearing a long dress under a pink wool coat, and a flower wreath in her hair.

As the group left McCartney’s home, the former Beatle, 69, joked to the mass of photographers and reporters outside, “What’s going on? What are you all doing here?”

Other wedding guests included Shevell’s college-age son, Arlen, her cousin Barbara Walters, McCartney’s brother Mike, Ringo Starr and wife Barbara Bach, and George Harrison’s widow, Olivia. (Perhaps late Beatle John Lennon was there in spirit: Today would have been his 71th birthday.)

During the non-denominational ceremony, McCartney gave his bride a vintage-style Neil Lane diamond eternity band featuring 5-carats of square cut diamonds set in platinum. (The singer proposed with a 5-plus carat, flawless diamond art deco ring, also from the celebrity jeweler.)

“They’re totally in love and thrilled!” Lane told PEOPLE in May.

McCartney and Shevell waved to guests as they left the Town Hall amid a shower of pink and white rose petals tossed by guests. “It was terrific – thank you!” McCartney told the crowd, joking with fans and press that he felt “married.”

The newlyweds will celebrate with a party this evening at McCartney’s home, where guests will feast on vegetarian items including arugula and basil salad, goat cheese polenta, savory tarts, and dumplings.

There will be two wedding cakes – one traditional and one vegan – both baked by Posh Puds Patisserie. “We’ve worked on this for weeks,” a woman from the company told PEOPLE.

It’s the third marriage for McCartney, whose six-year union to Heather Mills ended with a bitter, headline-making divorce in 2008. (His first wife, Linda – whom he also married at the Town Hall – died from cancer in 1998, after 29 years of wedlock.) Shevell is also divorced.

On Oct. 3, a beaming McCartney told PEOPLE, “It’s a good time for me. I’m happy.”

The couple are expected to have a stateside celebration later this month.

[From People]

I always love the details about the jewelry and the food. For the rings, it sounds like Paul knows his way around a jewelry store, and that he has no problems showering his girl with diamonds. YAY! The food is… meh. But Paul’s a vegetarian (a vegan?), and I’m not, so maybe that’s why I’m not all over the “goat cheese polenta” (the idea of it makes me nauseous).

I will say this though – I think this is a perfectly beautiful and appropriate way for two people “of a certain age” to get married when it’s not their first time around the block, you know? Nancy and Paul look gorgeous, but I love that she wasn’t wearing some long gown, and I like that everything just seemed low-key and about the people they really cared about. It’s nice.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Every now and then, it’s nice to check in with Rachel Uchitel, one of America’s most famous hookers. What’s that, you say? She’s not really a hooker? I beg to differ. She boned Tiger Woods for months and then accepted a multi-million-dollar payoff to keep her mouth shut about their affair. Before Tiger, she boned David Boreanaz and then publicly blackmailed him, likely for some money. Anyway, somebody bought the cow when the they were getting the milk on layaway. Rachel Uchitel, 36, married Matt Hahn, 26 (pictured above). He’s a former football player (Penn State) and now a businessman in San Francisco. I guess we can say that he’s also pretty dumb too, right? Or can we just say that he has awful taste in women?

Rachel Uchitel has gone from mistress to married woman! The 36-year-old nightclub hostess — whose claim to fame was her multiple affairs with golfer Tiger Woods and actor David Boreanz — tied the knot with businessman Matt Hahn on Sunday, TMZ reports.

“We are really happy and feel extremely fortunate to have one another,” Uchitel tells Us Weekly in a statement. The pair exchanged vows in front of 12 friends at Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas — the same venue where Britney Spears married Jason Alexander in 2004.

The couple obtained a marriage license in Clark County, Nevada, Sunday night and filed it with the court the next morning at 8:58 a.m.

Hahn, 26, was a football player at Penn State. He and Uchitel have been living together in San Francisco for several months.

Prior to her relationship with Hahn, Uchitel had been engaged to investment banker James Andrew O’Grady, who was killed on September 11, 2001 during the World Trade Center attacks; she spoke frequently of O’Grady’s death during her 2010-2011 appearance on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Uchitel, a University of New Hampshire graduate, wed Wall Street trader and childhood friend Steven Ehrenkranz in 2004. Their union lasted just four months.

[From Us Weekly]

This poor dude. Well, at least Rachel has all of that money, right? I hope to God she hasn’t blown through $10 million in a year and a half. So maybe Rachel is the one getting played by this young hustler? Doubtful. CB thinks Rachel is working some angle that we haven’t figured out yet. Maybe some reality show deal or something. Maybe it’s a long con.

By the way, I was just thinking about Rachel the other day when I was looking through some Linnocent photos. Both Lohan and Uchitel have that “hard” working-girl look, but to give Rachel some credit, I honestly think she looks less busted than Linnocent.

UPDATE: Thanks to all of you who pointed out the discrepancy with the $10 million figure – other sites were referencing the money like Rachel still has it, but TMZ reported that Rachel had to give it back to Tiger. Maybe Rachel has more money than we know, or maybe this marriage really is a long con.

Photos courtesy of Uchitel’s Twitter and Fame.

Last year, I was surprised to find out that Seth Rogen had been with the same girl for six years. That wasn’t the image I had of him – as a man who would be able to commit to someone his age, and able to sustain a healthy relationship of equals. But Seth is a surprising guy, it seems, and I’ve grown to like him more over the past few years. Seth and Lauren Miller got engaged last September, and according to Us Weekly, they just got hitched, a little over one year after the proposal.

Seth Rogen got the girl! The Knocked Up actor, 29, wed longtime girlfriend, writer Lauren Miller, at Kunde Estate in Sonoma, Calif., Us Weekly can confirm.

Officiated by a female rabbi, the Jewish ceremony took place atop a hill surrounded by vineyards, with such comedy all-stars attending as Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, The Office’s Craig Robinson, director-producer Judd Apatow and wife Leslie Mann (plus their three kids).

After exchanging their vows, the bride and groom drove off in a convertible, headed for another spot on the property for the reception.

“The wedding was more laughs than anything else,” one source tells Us of the three-day celebration. “Every other line was a joke and the crowd couldn’t contain their laughter. It was nonstop fun!”

Opening up about the engagement on Conan in November 2010, Rogen revealed wacky details about the proposal.

After buying the ring, “Literally, I felt like someone had given me like a truckload of heroin to hold onto, I felt like the feds were going to kick in my door at any second,” he said. “I couldn’t have a conversation with my girlfriend. All I could think of was this ring. Like, ‘Don’t say ‘Lord of the Rings!’ Don’t mention anything about a ring!”

To calm his nerves, he proposed on the spot — while she was changing in the closet.

“I didn’t picture it like this, and I know she didn’t picture it like this. No little girl is like ‘It’ll happen in a closet with my [chest] out.’”

[From Us Weekly]

When they announced their engagement, sources claimed that Lauren had “given up hope” that Seth would ever propose after six years, but he finally did. They were together since they were both 22 years old. How very “Will & Kate” of them! Lauren even looks a bit like Kate – I think she’s very pretty, and she seems to be a quiet, stable force in Seth’s life. I hope they’re very happy, and I hope marriage suits Seth. Mazel Tov!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I have a confession – I’ve watched more than one episode of Family Jewels, and I didn’t hate it. That’s the reality show about Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed and their two kids. Gene seems like a douche (a smart douche, and a great businessman), but I was surpised by how much I liked Shannon Tweed and their kids. Their son Nick is especially nice, in that I’m slightly surprised that he’s the son of a rock star – he’s very well adjusted and kind, which might be a testament to how well Shannon raised him. Anyway, I’ve followed some of the storylines of the show, so I know that Shannon wanted to make her 28-year relationship with Gene official at long last. Still, I didn’t know that they were actually going to go through with it – but they did. They were married yesterday in Beverly Hills:

Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed have made it official!

After 28 years together, the KISS bassist, 62, married his longtime girlfriend in an evening ceremony outside on the crystal lawn at the Beverly Hills hotel on Saturday, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. The couple’s guests cheered when Simmons said “I do” to his partner.

Tweed, 54, walked down the aisle in an ivory Priscilla of Boston gown – one of three dresses she chose for the big occasion – and carried a bouquet of ivory garden roses.

The couple exchanged vows they wrote themselves in front of 400 guests including Hugh Hefner, Bill Maher and the KISS members (Paul Stanley was in the wedding party).

Also in attendance were the couple’s two children Nick, 22, and Sophie, 19, who was the maid of honor.

And their planned first dance is quite fitting for a couple who have been together for almost three decades: “At Last” by Etta James, to be performed by their daughter Sophie.

[From People]

Sounds like a nice ceremony. I’ve got to wonder if Gene made Shannon sign a prenup after all of these years, though. I bet he did. Also, according to some reports a few months ago, Gene also refused to promise fidelity to Shannon, only saying that he’ll “do his best”. Eh… either they won’t make it a year now that they’re married, or they’ll make it for the rest of their lives.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Last week’s In Touch reported that Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock had sort-of moved in together, which I believe is possible. At least Ryan was said to have moved some things into Sandra’s Austin home and to be living with her in both L.A. and Austin “until he figures out a permanent situation.” They seem like they’re getting serious, or at least Sandra is, and they’ve been seen out together several times. We’ve heard rumors that they’re talking about adopting a baby, and now Star is reporting that they’re already planning to marry. I think that both of them are gun shy after their failed marriages, and I doubt this is even partially true. Here’s Hollywood Life’s report:

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are ready to take their relationship to the next level and get married, according to Star magazine!

Star reports that during their Wyoming vacation, Ryan brought up the subject of marriage.

“Ryan told her he was ready to tie the knot whenever she wants,” a source told the magazine. “And after seeing how quickly she’s bonded with baby Louis, she decided she’s ready to pull the trigger, too. So they started discussing the logistics of pulling off a low-key, barefoot wedding that would reflect their laid-back lifestyle.”

The wedding will be small with only 25 guests, Sandra’s son Louis will be the best man the pair will feed the party with BBQ from Sandra’s favorite restaurant in Austin.

[From Hollywood Life]

Yeah, Sandra had a horrible experience with her last marriage and Ryan is loving being single. I can see him being ready for a commitment, maybe, but not being ready to walk down the aisle again.

All of this sounds a little ridiculous when you consider that Ryan was just spotted out in New York over the weekend with none other than serial dater and his co-star whose boobs he loved to grab, Olivia Wilde. They looked annoyed to be papped together, and their reps claim they’re just friends and don’t have a relationship. Sure, just like Sandra and Ryan are “just friends.” It could be the case, though. Either way, this wedding story is bunk, but you know that I would freaking love for it to be true. My brain has been addled by way too many romcoms.

It’s been reported all week, and now it looks like it’s really going to happen – Paul McCartney is set to marry for the third time. His third wife will be American Nancy Shevell, a 51-year-old, once-divorced businesswoman. According to earlier reports, Nancy and Paul plan to tie the knot in “a small, intimate, elegant, classic wedding” in Sussex, England, and then they’ll throw a big wedding reception in New York “later on”. But! Paul and Nancy just posted a wedding notice in London, so all of those reports might be crap:

Paul McCartney is one step closer to saying “I do!”

The former Beatle and his bride-to-be, New York City businesswoman Nancy Shevell, have posted a notice announcing their intention to marry in London.

Known as a banns, the notice was filed by the couple in person at the Old Marylebone Town Hall in London this week and posted on Wednesday.

The venue — that has four rooms that can seat 20-100 guests — is the same one that McCartney, 69, chose to wed his late wife Linda in 1969. Paul and Linda’s daughter, Mary, also chose the venue to get hitched last year.

“It will be a small, intimate wedding,” a source tells Us Weekly of McCartney’s wedding to Shevell, 51, which will be his third. “It’s going to be very elegant and classic.”

Following a 16-day waiting period, McCartney and Shevell — who announced their engagement in April — can legally tie the knot on or after September 30.

[From Us Weekly]

So it’s not happening this weekend, alas. This will be Paul’s third marriage, after his first marriage to Linda, who died in 1998, and his second marriage to Heather Mills, which ended in divorce in 2002. Heather reported got a $35 million payoff/settlement, which she blew through very quickly, reportedly.

As for Nancy… she’s supposed to be very wealthy on her own, and Paul is showering her with gifts too. Her engagement ring cost $650,000, and Paul is so convinced that Nancy isn’t interested in his money that he’s reportedly eschewed a prenup:

[Paul McCartney is] reportedly rebuffing a prenuptial agreement.

Shevell’s own wealth is only part of the reason McCartney is eschewing a prenup, Popeater’s Rob Shuter told ABCNews.com. “Paul is saying, ‘This girl is not Heather,’” he said.

“She’s a very, very different lady than Heather Mills,” Shuter said. “She’s incredibly wealthy and successful in her own right.”

[From ABC News]

We’ll see. I mean, it’s obvious that Nancy isn’t a Heather Mills-type, but who knows? So far, Nancy has seemed discreet and elegant, and I suspect she’ll be the perfect trophy wife/companion to Paul.

Since I have Showtime, I keep watching the documentary Paul did called The Love You Make, all about Paul putting together the 9/11 concert back in 2001. Paul’s general character surprised me – he comes across as a very nice man, of course, but what surprised me was his incredible focus, and his incredible memory. You’d think that with all of the drugs he took in 1960s, he wouldn’t be able to remember anything from that period, but the word “encyclopedic” kept popping up in my mind while I watched him. Anyway, I get the feeling that Paul just wants a woman who will be his friend, someone he can talk to, and be his companion at this point. I hope Nancy is good to him.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Teresa Guidice and her squt alcoholic husband take the cover of In Touch with their tacky over-the-top vow renewal ceremony. Inside, there’s barely a mention of the couple’s massive financial problems and their compulsive overspending, typified in this ridiculous show of the wealth they’ve stolen from the creditors they’re now stiffing. The article is all about how their vow renewals are a new beginning for them, and how Teresa trusts and loves Joe despite his verbal abuse, which was shown on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Just as there’s no mention of their bankruptcy and Joe’s shady mafia business, there’s no mention of his rumored cheating, either. It’s like the story is straight from Teresa, similar to other stories we’ve seen in In Touch. I’ll include a little bit here, but I want to focus more on the showy vow renewal they had.

Teresa insists that Joe is Prince Charming. And recently, she set out to prove it – with a fairy-tale-themed second wedding at Long Island, NY’s Oheka Castle, which included everything from a horse-drawn carriage to a tearful renewal of their vows to an extravagant gown that was truly worthy of a princess. “I was just so happy,” Teresa tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. “Marriage means for better or worse. We’ve been through a lot, and if anything, it’s just made us stronger…

“I wanted to show my girls that marriage is really important, as is being faithful to one another,” Teresa explains. “I wanted to show our love for each other – I wanted them there to witness it.”

Indeed, the ceremony seemed like something tailor-made by a devoted mom to please her little girls – from the princess-like theme and the pretty pink dresses she chose for them to wear, to the huge chocolate cake and the surprise visit by tween heartthrob Kevin Jonas…

Their over the top wedding
At the end of the ceremony, Teresa and Joe sweetly exchanged new rings, elegant bands designed by Zaven Ghanimian, designer and creative director of Simon G. jewelry.

Teresa and Joe chose a decadent five-tiered chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream from Spatula Sweets by Jessica Hagenbuch, which the girls devoured.

Floral designer Kenji Takenake for Noir Hanna International selected hydrangeas, garden roses and passion vine to create a lush and romantic ambiance.

[From In Touch, print edition, September 19, 2011]

So they’re deep in dept, having just filed for bankruptcy, and are trying to stiff their creditors by hiding assets. How they hell did they pay for this? Did they get comped stuff in exchange for publicity. Did In Touch give them enough money for the photos to cover the costs? It’s possible, but I can’t see how In Touch ever recouped that in increased sales or anything. This family is a trainwreck but I doubt anyone bought this issue for the trashy Giudices.

In terms of the relationship between Joe and Teresa, I haven’t watched the show in a while and I don’t feel qualified to comment on it. He strikes me as an asshole and she’s a dumb shrill bitch, so maybe they’re perfect for each other. I guess Joe bellowed at Teresa on the show recently that he had dumped her back when they were dating and she “came crawling back.” Teresa defended him in this article and said “He was drunk, in his own home and upset. I get where he is coming from… You really have to know him to know it’s not malicious.” Kaiser says she’s seen some of it recently and that Joe hates Teresa’s family, is fighting with her brother and wants out of the marriage. It’ll be over Teresa’s dead body, judging from this story.

These photos are from In Touch, and there are many more in the current print edition.

Sometime in the future, we’ll look back at the phenomenon that was the Kardashians, The Jersey Shore drunks, and the Real Housewives plastic surgery victims and see it all as a blip on an otherwise understandable gossip diet fueled by people who actually act, sing or otherwise have something to offer. Now, though, I’m seeing the ever-increasing stunts the Kardashians are pulling (and, to a lesser extent, the rest of the famous-for-nothings) and it’s striking me as totally ridiculous. Kim Kardashian’s US Weekly honeymoon cover and accompanying photo spread are like a parody of a romantic getaway, just as she’s a big-assed kat-faced parody of a “star.” (Kaiser mentioned these yesterday but now that I’m seeing the actual photos I just have to comment.) Inside the magazine, we’re treated to photos of the newlyweds feeding each other fruit (that’s the main photo that’s featured), making out on a lounge chair and frolicking in the water. The accompanying article is just as stupid and cringe-inducing as the photos. My favorite quote is how their honeymoon “was made only for two” when they were inevitably accompanied by a camera crew to capture these intimate moments. (Although it was supposedly not filmed for their reality show.) Here’s more:

Looks like just the place to make a baby!

The new Us Weekly, out Wednesday, has exclusive photos and details of Kim Kardashian’s sexy, superprivate honeymoon with brand-new husband Kris Humphries on Italy’s Amalfi Coast last week

After tying the knot in Montecito, Calif. Aug. 20, the reality starlet, 30, and NBA star, 26, mostly kept to themselves at a $3,300-per-night Romeo and Juliet chalet at the five-star Hotel Santa Caterina — emerging for al fresco meals and PDA-packed time by the pool and in the Mediterranean Sea.

It was an unexpected nuptial vacation for Kardashian, who showed off her world-famous (just-married!) bikini bod alongside her hunky shirtless man in exclusive pics in the new issue.

“We were planning on waiting til next summer to take [a honeymoon],” Kardashian told Us exclusively at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards in L.A. “But Kris surprised me last minute!”

Adds a source of their uber-affectionate time: “Kim is the kind of bride who’d be thrilled if she had gotten pregnant on her honeymoon.”

For now, though, the still-glowing bride is holding onto the romantic memories.

“Our honeymoon was so perfect!” she told Us at the VMAs. “We caught up on alone time.”

[From US Weekly]

The actual article in the print edition never mentions how long their honeymoon was, and just refers to it as a mini-moon at one point, but they were gone for just five nights. I honestly thought it was quicker than that.

I don’t wish fertility problems or health problems on anyone, but what will it take for this madness to stop? You know the next step is a baby, constant pregnancy details and a baby shower that would put Mariah Carey to shame. Maybe before all that happens Husband Kris will wise up and GTFO. He surely has plenty of teammates who are divorced and can help him out with the logistics.

Meanwhile the Kardashian sisters have a new clothing line out for Sears. I saw a full article on it in one of last week’s tabloids, and they basically jack the styles from other designers they wear. There was a commercial for it ahead of clip I was watching on E! Online. Kim was talking about how “shoes solve everything.” I can’t find that commercial again, but there’s another one on Kim’s blog where they throw a party in Sears and comment on how great the clothes are. JcPenney sometimes has decent clothes but I’ve never found anything I’ve liked at Sears. I doubt the Kardashians are going to solve that by making cheap knockoffs.

Here’s Kim filming with Kourtney on 8/30 and out with Kris that same day. Credit: WENN.com