Cele|bitchy » Week in Review

May 21
'06

Cele|bitchy week in review: firecrotch and baby watch

At the beginning of the week Kate Moss was said to be dating Keira Knightly’s ex, Jamie Dornan, who also dated Sienna Miller and Lindsay Lohan. By the end of the week he was forgotten and Moss was linked with British comic Russell Brand. Moss did her bit for charity this week, and made six figures for a Palestinian children’s fund by making out with Jemima Kahn for a full minute.

Moss’ ex, Pete Doherty, squirted his own blood at an MTV camera during an interview, causing cameramen to fear for their health. He may enter rehab to gain back Kate’s affections, and is said to be getting a drug inserted into his stomach to block the effects of heroin.

Nicole Kidman attended a UN event with her fiance, fellow Australian Keith Urban. She announced her engagement with Urban to the press, and it is speculated that she is trying to beat her ex, Tom Cruise, down the aisle.

Lindsay Lohan had a sleepover at Paris Latsis’ house. Latsis is Paris Hilton’s ex and the second of Paris’ exes with whom Lohan has been linked. Lohan got into a verbal altercation with Paris at a club, with witnesses saying that they were screaming and in each other’s faces. Lindsay was denied entrance to an LA club by Danny Masterson, but managed to get in everywhere in NY. She admitted she can’t be monogamous and decided not to confront Brandon Davis after his disgusting rant about her.

Paris Hilton giggled and followed a drunken Brandon Davis as he came up with juvenile put-downs for Lindsay Lohan and the trailing paparrazi caught it all on tape. Davis called Lohan a “firecrotch” and said her clit was “seven feet long.”
Paris also hasn’t been spotted with her new love, Matt Leinart, in about ten days. Leinart’s NFL teammates are said to have warned him to stay away from the hard-partying heiress.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills announced their split following the news that they were spending a lot of time apart. Mills came off as a less than sympathetic character in the press amidst allegations of rampant opportunism and her own nasty rebuttals.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sold the rights to the first baby pictures to an unnamed US magazine for nearly $5 million dollars, with the proceeds to go to charity. Angelina and Brad were said to be married in a non-binding traditional Namibian ceremony, and Angelina was said to be in labor, but both of those reports sounded like wishful thinking.

The DaVinci Code opened in Cannes to a critical bashing and boos from the crowd. French star Audrey Tautou said that she may quit acting in response to the terrible reviews of the film.

Britney Spears was caught driving around in her convertible mini-cooper with a passed out Sean Preston slumped over in a forward-facing carseat in the back. Baby experts condemned Britney for not securing Sean in properly, but she didn’t break California law, which states that only babies under 20 pounds have to be in rear-facing child seats. Britney was videotaped and photographed later in the week stumbling and almost dropping Sean Preston while trying to walk and carry both SP and a highball glass at the same time. She also put up a new “song” on her website briefly which was clearly about her dissapointment with her husband, Kevin Federline, who has not been seen with Britney in some time.

Thanks to Gallery of the Absurd for the great header illustration.

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May 13
'06

Cele|bitchy week in review: rather tame

It was a boring week by almost all accounts. Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were all over the place and easily mocked, but that’s typical. Otherwise not a lot ~~was manufactured by the gossip industry~~ happened.

Last weekend, Avril Lavigne, Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton and friends attended the grand opening of the “fantasy suites” at the Palms Casino Resort in Vegas.

David Blaine struck a deal with the devil to trade his health for some fame and cash. He fell a good two minutes short of the breath holding record while trying to complete the foolish underwater stunt with peeling skin, atrophied muscles, and a failing liver.

Britney Spears attended a congratulatory party for the success of her fragrances with Elizabeth Arden. She also announced her pregnancy during a surprise visit on the Late Show with David Letterman. All those public appearances must have bolstered Britney’s confidence, because she was said to have cut her husband, Kevin Federline, off from his extravagant trips to Vegas and may be planning a surprise divorce from the freeloader.

Lindsay Lohan made the talk show circut in recycled clothing, rapidly talking about how hard she works while showing off her skill at push-ups. She hooked up with a new guy and attended the premiere of her film, “Just My Luck,” which just sucks.

Nick Lachey celebrated the release of his breakup CD “What’s Left of Me.” He has plenty left to go around. He denied a piece to a former hookup and was seen with supermodel hottie Petra Nemcova at the Kentucky Derby.

Jessica Simpson lost her best friend and personal assistant, Cacee Cobb, who moved on to other/better things. Jessica was seen with terrible orange/red hair at the ALMA awards last weekend, and everyone was relieved to learn that it was just a wig from her new hairpiece collection.

Paris Hilton premiered her new cellphone game at E3, forgetting the name, and neglecting to match her shoes with her dress. She can be forgiven for being so scatterbrained for once, she’s boning a new love, NFL quarterback Matt Leiner. You can download some of her god-awful music, which has been leaked online.

Jennifer Anison showed up to support Courtney Cox at an event honoring the Arquette family. Her boyfriend, Vince Vaughn isn’t too enamored of her. He called her “one of his favorite people” on Oprah and said that he wants kids, just not with her.

Matthew Perry showed up at the XBox 360 E3 party. He looked rather bemused to be there. He also went to the event honoring the Arquettes.

Nicole Richie hates her body and her nose and was also at E3 shilling for Sprint.

Jennifer Lopez attended the ALMA awards with grey roots to support her husband, Marc Anthony. Some people are saying she’s pregnant because she forgot to dye her hair and has cancelled her weird middle-eastern tour, but a new work of “fiction” claims that Lopez tries to get the press to think she’s pregnant all the time.

Rosario Dawson might be pregnant though, and she’s certainly younger and more fertile than Lopez.

Charlize Theron might be getting married this weekend.

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May 6
'06

Cele|bitchy week in review: fake news

Our distrust in the gossip industry peaked this week, with several rumors being debunked, and fake quotes circulating like wildfire.

The week started out with news of Ellen Degeneres’ big win and a large picture post from last Friday’s Daytime Emmy Awards.

Star Jones showed her smug plastic face and unconvincingly altered cleavage at the Daytime Emmys. It came out yesterday that she may have been exposed to HIV while undergoing gastric bypass surgery, and that Oprah’s best friend Gayle King may replace her on The View

Stars strutted their stuff with their favorite designers at the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum in NY. The theme was British fashion, and a herbally-enhanced Sienna Miller presided over the festivities in a too-short gold sequined dress and messy hair.

Brad Pitt flew back to America to get help for Zahara’s medical condition, rickets. Angelina Jolie was said to want a water birth, and all sorts of other tidbits were circulating about the Jolie-Pitts. It turned out that none of those rumors were true.

Also in the “fake news” department was Britney Spears’ much-awaited press conference on Thursday. The news was based on a quote from a fictional Sony executive. Britney also is said to be having a baby girl, and will be monitored by Children and Family Services as a result of Sean Preston’s fall.

Crazy Tom Cruise was all over the place promoting Mission Impossible 3 and giving adjective-strewn quotes. Cruise was in Mexico City, on The Late Show, storming NY, and making kissy-face with “Kate” in LA.

One thing he didn’t do was oversee Katie’s fitness program with Buff Brides. We know the creator of Buff Brides, Sue Fleming, and she assured us that she never met Katie Holmes and did not say that Tom was managing her post baby shape-up plan.

Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos broke up, and Paris promptly shacked up and partied with a newly minted pro football player. Lindsay Lohan may have stolen Stavros away from Paris, but she doesn’t seem to care much. Stavros wasn’t satisfied with Lohan and staged a drunken pity party outside of Paris’ house. She gave him some mercy sex as a consolation prize.

Lindsay Lohan still wants to try to clean up her image with a vague plan for some humanitarian work. She attended the Minnesota premiere of A Prarie Home Companion, and got told to put out her cigarette by Cameron Diaz while at a NY Club.

Nicole Richie partied at Coachella, admitted that she’s too thin and has sought help, and will appear in a retouched spread and interview in Vanity Fair.

Michelle Rodriguez got out of jail, likes hot lesbian action, and had her character killed off Lost this week. She appeared on on Good Morning America and on Total Request Live in a see through top. While she admitted that she needs to grow up, she doesn’t seem too concerned about her second DUI arrest and short imprisonment.

Jessica Simpson may be hooking up with her ex, Nick Lachey, in secret hotel trysts, and she may also be interested in hooking up with poorly endowed singer James Blunt.

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