Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer gained a lot of weight so that he could work from home on disability? Dr. Nick Riveria advised Homer on how to pack on the pounds, saying “If you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain.”

The glossies are full of celebrity diets and exercise plans to help us lose weight quickly and firm up, but many of the celebrities will also share the quick weight gain strategies they used to to bulk up for a role. There’s little call for that type of information, but it can serve as a cautionary tale for some of our excessive lifestyles.

Much maligned goth rocker Jared Leto gained a ton of weight for his role as John Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman in the panned film Chapter 27. His tip for quick weight gain involved melting Haagan Das ice cream in the microwave and drinking it.

Beyonce says she gained the weight back after her ill-advised cheyenne pepper drink diet for Dream Girls by eating fried food. And Renee Zellweger’s Bridget Jones diet involved eating 20 donuts a day.

Matt Damon has revealed his method of gaining 20-30 pounds to look “doughy” to play a conflicted executive in the film The Informant Insider. He said he stopped working out, drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of burgers, and said that it was easier to gain weight at 37 than it was in his 20s.

Even though the weight-gain was required for a role, that doesn’t stop Damon’s friends from mocking him mercilessly.

“Some thing are just self-evident and don’t even require making fun of,” his B.F.F. Ben Affleck said at the Rio Hotel and Casino event, which raised money and awareness about the genocide in Darfur. “I mean, the man buys two seats on an airplane!”

So how did the Oscar-winner pack on the pounds?

“I just stopped working out and basically just ate whatever I wanted,” he said. “I ate a lot of In-N-Out, a lot of burgers, a lot of beer and basically had a great time … When you’re in your 20s you can do that kind of stuff. When you’re in your 30s, its a whole different ballgame.”

[From People.com]

Damon joked that he was about to get his “sexiest man alive” title revoked by People. He still looks damn good to me when he’s dressed like a normal guy. In a Hawaiian shirt with a faux stache and feathered hair he’s as fug as anyone would look in that outfit. It hardly has to do with his weight.

Dream team Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were at the Ante up for African poker tournament for charity last night in Las Vegas. Affleck took a journey to the Congo, his third in 8 months, earlier this summer in order to bring awareness to the immense poverty and human rights violations in the area. His trip was chronicled on Nightline and I think he did a great job that didn’t get as much attention as it should have.

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Jason Alexander are shown last night at the charity tournament at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Vegas. Affleck is an accomplished poker player and won the the California State Poker Championship in 2004.

Photo credit: Judy Eddy and Nikki Nelson for WENN.

Gwen Stefani has talked many times about her weight, and how she really has to work at keeping thin. Which is my favorite celebrity statement to read. Nothing makes me more furious than reading that a celeb lost the baby weight running around after their new child, because I’ve discovered something – babies can’t move!

Gwen says the time has come to relax when it comes to her fitness regime.

She says, “At school, I remember thinking that I wished I could like a girl that was so skinny and got to eat whatever she wanted. I always had to exercise. My weight fluctuated and I got chubby again in 11th grade - at like 16 - and then I was like, ‘You know what? I’ve had enough of this up and down thing!’”

“So I got on the swim team and I was more determined not to be that chubby girl any more. Ever since then I’ve been able to control it, but it sucks. Nowadays I just try to realize how stupid it is, because nobody cares - except me!”

Hollyscoop

Gwen doesn’t care right now because she’s about 8.5 months pregnant. However, she’ll probably weaken in her vow as soon as the baby is born.

Gwen and husband Gavin Rossdale are expecting their second child any day.

Gwen and Gvain are shown out in London on 7/1/08, thanks to WENN.

Model and Rod Stewart’s ex-wife Rachel Hunter has been criticized all over the internet over the past couple of days for what appears to be a bit of weight gain. Hunter is one of the stars of NBC’s Celebrity Circus. Yep, it’s exactly what it sounds like: celebs who learn circus acts. Definitely a useful life skill that they can use later on. The women are all in tight sequined outfits, which are pretty unforgiving.

In some recent pictures Hunter is shown performing in a corset, and it appears pretty obvious that she has gained some weight. She claims that the show’s vigorous routines and her naturally athletic shape have caused her to bulk up, making her appear heavier on camera. No matter what’s going on, everyone from the mainstream media to internet bloggers are attacking Hunter and harping on her figure.

She made her name as the super-svelte swimwear model with endless legs.

But Rachel Hunter cut a chunkier figure when she appeared on the American reality television show Celebrity Circus, her somewhat sturdier shape barely contained by a corset-style outfit and unflattering fringed miniskirt.

The 38-year-old has complained that the athletic nature of Celebrity Circus has caused her to gain muscle and made her look bigger.

Her increased strength was certainly evident in her bulging biceps and broad shoulders - she has performed on the trapeze and walked the tightrope during the series.

[From the Daily Mail]

The Daily Mail is actually much kinder in their phrasing than a lot of the other articles out there. I think it’s pretty clear that Hunter has put on perhaps a bit of weight and a good deal of muscle. It’d be hard to do her routines over and over and not get stronger. I think she still looks gorgeous; she just doesn’t look the same as she did fifteen years ago. And who the hell does? It’s sort of ridiculous that we expect that from people, models or not.

Images thanks to the Daily Mail.

Matt Damon is filming The Informant, a movie based on the commodities price fixing scandal in the mid 1990s. He plays ADM president Mark Whitacre, who was an FBI informant on the case, the highest level undercover informant in an organization ever. Whitacre played a valuable role in helping expose the massive fraud, but was found during the investigation to have embezzled money from ADM. He served eight years in federal prison as a result.

It looks like Damon gained some weight for the role. Cut his hair and mustache and put him in some normal clothes and he’d still look hot. His wife, Luciana, is currently pregnant with their second child, and he may have gained some sympathy pounds as well. The couple also has a two year-old daughter, Isabella, and Luciana has a 9 year-old daughter, Alexia, from her first marriage.

According to the photo agency, Splash, Damon is working on the last two days of filming in Hawaii. The film is due out in March, 2009.

Kirstie Alley announced four months ago that she was going to start her own “Weight Loss Brand.” This was after she was dropped as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig after gaining something like 75 pounds in a year. This week’s National Enquirer has a new cover story about Kirstie and how her health is failing and she’s gaining even more weight as she eats like crazy. You’ve got to find some way to cope with the regret after wasting $5 million on Scientology when future career prospects and enlightenment remain elusive. It seems Kirstie’s weight loss program is still in the planning stages.

The Enquirer says that Kirstie collapsed, but it’s more like she got winded and had to hold on to something:

Kirstie simply can’t control her eating and has packed on almost 100 pounds since leaving the Jenny Craig diet program, insiders say…

She regularly orders calorie-laden Chinese and Thai food - and has also been photographed indulging in frozen desserts at Pinkberry.

“Kirstie’s weight crisis took a turn for the worse when she hit the 240-pound mark. Everyone - from her two kids to her staff to her close friends - is trying to get through to her,” said the source…

Her friends are also worried that her excess weight could lead to life-threatening health conditions like cardiovascular problems and a predisposition to diabetes.

Those fears escalated when the 5-foot-8 star collapsed while walking to her car on a steamy, hot California day.

“Kirstie was walking across a parking lot to her car when she suddenly got lightheaded. As she reached her car, she had to grab onto the door handle because her knees began to buckle.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, June 30, 2008]

In March it was announced that Oprah’s Harpo productions had signed a TV deal with Alley. No one knows what it was supposed to be about, but The Enquirer speculates that it was a reality show to follow Kirstie on her weight loss journey. Since just about the only place Kirstie can be found lately is outside a restaurant, that has likely been shelved or put on hold.

It doesn’t seem fair to pick on celebrities for gaining weight, even when it’s as obvious as Kirstie’s weight gain. Since she yakked so much about how she was going to solve the weight issue for an entire generation of Americans, it’s probably ok to point out that it’s been a few months and she hasn’t been able to move forward with her own weight loss. In an undated interview with Scientology Magazine “Source,” Kirstie said “I literally walked in the door of Flag [Scientology center] four weeks ago as one person, and I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different.” Maybe they screwed something up and forgot to subtract the old person first.

Header image is a scan from the cover of the June 30th issue of The National Enquirer on news stands now.

The newest issue of my favorite gossip rag, The National Enquirer, has an amusing story claiming that Paris Hilton has quit smoking pot because she was eating too much when she was high. They say that “Paris gets stoned all the time” and eats like crazy. She supposedly started noticing that her clothes were tight and decided that she needed to give up the herb if she didn’t want to buy a new wardrobe. Maybe she also got sick of people calling her pregnant after she had a pot-induced meal:

[Paris Hilton] became concerned recently because her clothes have been growing tight and she knew she was gaining weight. But it didn’t take her long to figure out why - Paris smokes a lot of dope and gets the munchies!

So now she’s decided to throw away the pipe to avoid the munchies and get back to her ideal weight, The Enquirer has learned exclusively.

“Paris gets stoned all the time!” said the source. “She will go to the bathroom to smoke at different Hollywood clubs, or sometimes she’ll just light up in the VIP area…

Paris showed up at a small house party once complaining that she ate a huge bag of chips before the party because she was stoned.”

And a Hollywood source told The Enquirer that when Paris couldn’t get into certain dresses she loved recently, she decided to give up smoking dope.

“That was it for Paris,” said the source. “She said the munchies were making her eat too much and she couldn’t believe how much weight she had gained.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, June 30, 2008]

In an interview in June of last year after she got out of jail, Paris told Larry King that she’s never even tried drugs despite the vast photographic evidence to the contrary. She also said she’s had ADD her entire life and that she’s been on medication for it since she was young. One of the side effects of the common ADHD drug Adderall is weight loss as it acts as a stimulant and suppresses the appetite. If Paris has quit smoking pot, she’s probably back to eating like the bird face that she is.

In related news, Paris Hilton’s pitch line on the website for her new line of hair extensions is “Everyone should get a chance to be me. That’s why I created the world’s hottest hair extensions. Choose from 10 fabulous shades and you will be a clip away from hotness.” She’s truly delusional if she thinks that people emulate her enough to spend $79 on fake hair. [via BellaSugar]

Here are photos of Paris smoking pot, and a link to The Smoking Gun’s compilation of her references to various drugs unearthed in the videos found in her storage locker and made public on “Paris Exposed.” The contents of her purse were also photographed in October, 2006 and a bag of what looked like pot was visible.

Oprah Winfrey – who we’re supposed to believe blogs – wrote on her website that she’s undergoing a 21-day vegan cleansing diet. And by that, I mean Oprah’s assistant’s assistant typed it up really quickly. Oprah, 54, regained a lot of weight recently, and she disclosed that she’s been suffering from hypothyroidism. She’s now determined to lose the weight and change her eating habits again – and is going totally meatless.

Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying.” she writes. “I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese. ‘What’s left?’ I thought. Apparently a lot. I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast — strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.”

Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book Quantum Wellness, Winfrey says, “this 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Her new menu — created by Freston’s own chef Tal Ronnen — features food like tofu scramble roasted tomato, grilled onion and sweet garlic aioli quesadillas with jicama slaw. She plans to blog her the entire dieting process. “Don’t know if I’m going to feel better or worse,” Winfrey writes, “but I’m willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently.”

[From Us Weekly]

Something tells me most people could happily go meatless if they had a professional chef to do all the fancy cooking for them. My vegetarian roommate made a whole wheat tofu pizza the other night and my tongue actually tried to run away from the rest of my body. If I had anything involving the word aioli, jicama, or crepes, I’m pretty sure I could manage. As it is I’m low carb, which means I had four slices of bacon and an Atkins shake for dinner. I would gladly eat Oprah’s vegan quesadilla every day of my life if I never have to repeat that meal again.

Oprah is talking about her diet like it’s this big deal – but her meal plan sounds better than what most of us probably slap together. How much of a sacrifice could it really be? And if it is – wasn’t her whole thing about eating reasonably, in a way that you can maintain? From the way she’s wording it, it doesn’t sound like she plans on going a day beyond the requisite three weeks on this diet. Not that I’m one to judge. I’m eating pork rinds as I write this.

It’s hard to bash U.K. singer Lily Allen because the poor girl has been having a rough time of it lately. First, Allen was diagnosed with a heart condition that scared her enough to seek help in curbing her unhealthy eating and partying habits. The program of hypnosis, exercise and a healthy diet helped the star drop two dress sizes, and at the time, she said she had never been happier. When she and her boyfriend of only a few months, Chemical Brothers band member Ed Simons, announced that they were expecting, Lily was ecstatic about it but just a few weeks later, she suffered a miscarriage, which was quickly followed by a breakup with Simons. Since then, Lily has been seeking treatment for depression. As you might expect, all these life changes, along with the stress and hectic schedule of her TV show, have caused Lily to gain back most of the weight she lost last year.

The 22-year-old has blamed the stress of filming her BBC3 television show Lily Allen and Friends for her weight gain, and has vowed to resume her healthy lifestyle.

In recent times the newly blonde star has attempted to keep her curves hidden in baggy clothes and shapeless dresses.

She told Grazia: “I don’t look great at all. I’ve put on so much weight with all the stress of my TV show. I’m glad it’s over.”

“Now the show is over I am sure I will lose some weight, just naturally as well as exercising in the gym twice a week.”

“I hate fat tummies so I hope it goes by summer.”

Last year Lily shed 19lbs, saying the weight came off when she was told the “scary” news that she had the heart condition.

She said at the time: “I used to love nothing more than sitting in front of the telly with two packets of Ginger Nuts and two bags of milk bottle sweets - and I’d devour the lot.

“But this heart thing has made me cut back on all that kind of crap.

“I now find that, because I am looking after myself, I don’t feel like eating the bad stuff so much.”

Lily let her good habits slip after a miserable start to this year - she split from her Chemical Brothers boyfriend Ed Simons in January, not long after she suffered a miscarriage.

Despite opening to mixed reviews and disappointing ratings figures, Lily’s chat show has been signed on for a second series.

[From The Daily Mail]

I haven’t seen her TV show, since we don’t get it here in the U.S., but from what I understand, it’s pretty lowbrow in content. But Lily is talented and popular, so it makes sense that the show would be renewed based on her star power alone. Still, I can’t help but think that the best way for Lily to come to terms with the drama she’s faced over the past six months is to head back to the recording studio and start putting all these events into music. That might be more therapeutic for her than sessions with a shrink or emotional eating. Plus, she’d have something to show for it other than baggy clothes. Believe me- I speak from experience on this one!

Note by Celebitchy: I’ve seen a clip from Lilly’s show in which she had the Chocolate Rain guy, Tay Zonday, on along with Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. It did seem super lame:

Lilly Allen is shown on 4/9/08, thanks to WENN. She doesn’t look bad to me at all and I think the Daily Mail is just using schlumpy pictures of her. She did look better with brown hair, though.

The National Enquirer has a cover story this week claiming that the ubiquitous talk show host weighs 246 pounds. There’s some debate over whether that number is accurate and whether the Enquirer Photoshopped Oprah to look fatter on the cover, but you can see that she’s gained weight recently.

Their back story has her eating fried food while on the road with Obama and drowning her sorrows in carbs after Stedman broke up with her. Stedman supposedly told Oprah that he’s never really loved her and has always thought of her as a friend. That’s probably all made up, but we’re not above printing it:

“Oprah and Stedman had a late night heart-to-heart talk a few months ago and Stedman admitted that their long romance has been a sham,” said a longtime friend.

“The could had been in counseling, and during one of the sessions Oprah admitted that she was falling out of love with Stedman. But she wanted to give it another chance - so Stedman hung in there.”

“But in the end, it was Stedman who made a heartbreaking confession: He never really loved her.

“Stedman kept hoping their friendship would turn to love, but it never did.”

Stedman told Oprah that if they had really been in love, they would have gotten married years ago, continued the friend.

“There were tears and a lot of hurt, but in the end, they both knew that admitting the truth is better than living a lie…”

Oprah, 54, has tried to keep her mind off Stedman by working and supporting the presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama. But while she’s been out on the road with Obama, she regularly eats greasy fast foods and deep-friend meals, an insider revealed - and she gained 26 pounds in two months.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, March 31, 2008]

Oprah is also said to mindlessly snack a lot while she’s working and they say she plans to get in shape again after the election.

I don’t really like Oprah and think she’s full of shit most of the time, but whether she gains weight or not I don’t really care. People want to point at her for what’s perceived as a personal problem because she’s self-important and richer than most of the world combined, and that’s totally understandable.

Oprah was ranked the 562nd richest person in the world on Forbes Magazine’s rich list in 2006 and was said to be worth $1.4 billion at that time. She does charity but she largely contributes in Africa, and while that’s admirable and all she also dissed American kids by saying that they didn’t want nice schools and would rather have iPods and status symbol clothing. First of all, who is she to talk about someone wanting expensive things when she glorifies consumption with those “favorite things” episodes? Also, when she founded that girls’ school and specified the details down to the color of the building she sounded more like she wanted to create little mini-Oprahs rather than help young girls in Africa. At least she’s doing charity and people are benefiting.

Here’s a funny clip from the first episode of Louis Black’s new show on Comedy Central, “The Root of All Evil,” in which comedians debate topics over who is more evil with Louis Black presiding. In this case it was Oprah vs. The Catholic Church. Comedian Paul F Thomkins went to an inner city school and asked kids if they would rather have a new iPod or a new school. One girl’s reaction when she learned that Oprah dissed American kids is priceless.

If you would like to watch the whole first episode of Lewis Black’s “Root of All Evil: Oprah vs. The Catholic Church” I clipped it for my husband and it’s in four parts. It’s funny as anything and also features comedian Greg Giraldo. (I know this is only tangentially related, but Oprah is involved.)

Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 1
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 2
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 3
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 4

Former Wilson Phillips band member Carnie Wilson lost 150 pounds in 1999 after gastric bypass surgery, but has since gained at least 50 pounds back after having a baby. Carnie is a size 16 and weighs 208 pounds. Her daughter Lola will turn three next month.

Carnie talked to OK! Magazine about her struggle with her weight. She probably needs the money that goes along with airing your personal problems in a gossip rag, but I also have to give her credit for bringing up a very important problem that faces a lot of mothers: toddler weight gain. When the screaming and begging get to be too much you don’t reach for a prescription medication and you try to avoid drinking too much to blot out the stress. You remain sober and present for your child when you scarf down three rolls of that delicious bakery bread and are rewarded with a nice carb high followed by a blood sugar crash, not that I’m speaking from experience.

In 1999, Carnie Wilson famously underwent gastric bypass surgery to cut 150 lbs. off her 300-lb. frame. Her struggle with her weight wasn’t over, though, as she gained back the pounds carrying daughter Lola, now 2. But after a stint on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, Carnie shed another 22 lbs. That was two years ago. Now, a month away from her 40th birthday, Carnie weighs 208 lbs. and wears a size 16. Opening up to OK!, the singer says she has hit “rock bottom” with her weight.

“Everyone can see that I’m bigger, but I cannot hibernate,” she tells OK!. “I’ve never lied or been dishonest about what’s going on in my life. Even all these years later, having had such a great weight-loss story, being back in this place is so familiar. And it hurts. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It doesn’t feel good when you have to struggle to get your pants on.”

The source of her tremendous weight gain is snacking. Since having her daughter, the former Wilson Phillips star says she turned all her focus on her little girl, leaving little to no attention to her weight or diet.

“I had anxiety, started snacking and gained it all back and more,” she says. “I have a weakness when it comes to snacking. For me, it’s a tortilla with cheese, popcorn and graham crackers, all in one night.”

[From OK! Magazine]

Raising a child is one of the most stressful things you can do, and many people cope with that by eating. Carnie says she’s going to “lose 45 to 50 pounds and then try to get pregnant again,” but she’s about to turn 40 so she’s got to do it soon if she wants to get pregnant again naturally. She is trying to do 30 to 45 minutes of cardio every weekday and have a trainer come over three days a week.

Good luck to Carnie. She seems like she has a great personality and attitude. MSat was telling me that she heard her interviewed on the Howard Stern show a few times in the mid 90s and that she would joke around with Howard and wouldn’t shy away from the nasty topics he likes to discuss.

In 2006, Carnie told Oprah that she battled alcoholism after she lost weight and that she was “going down a dark spiral very quickly,” but that she quit drinking and then got pregnant with her daughter three weeks later.

Thanks to OK Magazine for these photos. Carnie’s interview is featured in the upcoming issue which has “Jen’s [Aniston’s] Magic Diet” on the cover.