K-Fed’s album “Playing with Fire” is out and the Amazon reviewers either love it or hate it. Most hate it, and a few of them have actually listened to it. Here are two of my favorite reviews:

A cute poem from top 100 reviewer Amanda Richards:

This former back-up dancer
Now known as Mr. Spears
Has brought us the worst album
To be released in years

Though he thinks he’s Eminem
He’s more Vanilla Ice
And after you’ve heard this one once
You wouldn’t hear it twice

Just listen to the lyrics
And see if you agree
These are the worst songs ever “sung”
In all of history

The first single is “Lose Control”
A track that should be tossed
I would suggest this album
Be avoided at all cost

Maybe next year on April 1
(You’ll get two for a buck)
Buy `em for an All Fool’s joke
and watch your pals upchuck

Top 1000 reviewer Pen Name, who gave it half a chance before trashing it:

I gave half of this CD a listen to see if the criticism Federline has been receiving is justified. I can quite clearly say that it is. The “beats” on this album are pretty sophmoric, but could be overlooked with good writing. There are no songs that really have a very catchy rhythm that you can enjoy, although a few have potential. The main problem with the album though is the awful lyrics:

“Im the talk of the town
Thats the reason why they stare
4 karats in my ear
If you look see a glare”

“When the pen hits the pad
It’s in the left hand
Every single word is worth thirty grand”

“Every word out my mouth
Make headline news
I’m the best, I rule
Come test my tools”

Federline spends the entire album rapping about four things:

a) His wife
b) How much everyone hates him
c) How much pot he smokes / how much he gets drunk
d) How awesome he is.

I assume the fact that people are always “hatin’ on him” gives him street cred and makes him tough in his eyes. I just can’t understand it, as these lyrics would be laughable from ANY artist, not just him. He actually has a fairly decent voice, but it won’t matter if he keeps using monosyllable rhymes that sound like they were written by a third grader.

A guy who unwittingly attended a listening party and almost got kicked out for mocking the CD like everyone else there:

Well folks, here is a true story. About 3 weeks ago a friend of my sister was invited to a listening party over Los Angeles. Her friend works in a radio station their and said there is going to be some celebrities and some people in the up and up in music, so by some reason I’m still quite sure how it happened, possibly parental nagging, I went to this party not knowing really what to expect and being an open minded music fan actually made it kind of interesting. At the party, I heard some DJ going around telling every one to expect big things from an up and coming artist, so later on I was appalled when this up and coming artist was…………..Mr Britney Spears HImself Kevin Federline. Naturally I wanted to bail faster than a guy in a high speed chase then all of a sudden it clicked, I could listen to the album and actually go ahead and bash this later. So the agony turned to despair and even some times comedic as many people there were thinking and saying what was on every bodies mind, is this a joke? So listening to this abomination I was just laughing when I told someone that Vanilla Ice would be proud that someone was holding his torch alive and then someone from his crew threatened to kick me out and I did leave after many people left in disgust and annoyed at what I saw and heard too, just because you marry someone big, wont meen that people will put up with your joke of a life. Im mean this album had some of the worst production and skills ever. Basically his songs are, yeah, Ilive the high life cuz I married Britney, Im from Fresno and Im a gangsta. So after I left the party, feeling dirty and actually wanting to puke, I got my sister, her friend went home and to try to salvage part of life that shamefully I will never get back so to calm my self , I got my Celtic Frost To Mega Therion album, crank the stereo up went home. Now thanks to this event I think Im suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and hopefully I will forget this soon and alcohol will mostly help to earse it. Remembered, I suffered so you wouldn’t have to.

Britney has now been shopping for a ton of clothes in size six. She was said to be planning a Halloween comeback and it seems like she’s slimmed up enough to perform again. At least someone in her family is talented.

Glossy pictures of K-Fed’s latest spawn, Jayden James, have yet to be seen. I thought they would be published in time to help promote his album, so they’ll probably come out soon along with jaw-dropping pictures of his wife.

If you want, you can listen to the entire album online. You can’t fast forward so don’t say I didn’t warn you. There are also scans of the entire “Playing with Fire” CD, which consists of a naseating number of photos of K-Fed in the exact same pose, at BreatheHeavy.com. I was going to post them here, but I don’t have the patience to download and resize all that shit.

Thanks to Fark for reminding me to look at Amazon for the reviews.

Nicole Richie is said to have collapsed at exclusive nightclub Hyde early on Sunday morning. They must have let her in because she doesn’t take up much space.

Her friends told staff not to call an ambulance and carted her off themselves. You know if they took her to the hospital we would have heard about it:

Sources tell TMZ that Nicole Richie passed out at Hyde nightclub early Sunday morning in Hollywood.

We’re told it occurred just before 2 a.m., when Richie passed out and fell to the floor. An employee approached Richie and her friends and said he was calling 911. Sources say they told the employee not to make the call and that they would take Richie to a hospital. The friends then carried Richie out of the club through the back door. TMZ does not know if Richie went to the hospital.

Before Richie collapsed, we’re told she hung out for awhile with Lindsay Lohan inside the club.

If Richie is indeed getting treatment for not gaining weight as she claims then it must be outpatient just like Mel Gibson’s rehab. Her health is not going to improve until she gets therapy and changes her lifestyle for good.

I made some T-Shirts this weekend, and wanted to have one that said “I borrowed this shirt from Nicole Richie,” suitable for baby wear, dog shirts, and XXL sweatshirts. I did a trademark search and Richie never trademarked her name, just the dumb phrase “Loves It.” Cafe Press, the service that distributes and sells the shirts for me, said it violated her right to publicity or something and that I couldn’t use that phrase. My “I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby” shirt was also denied.

While the rest of the world is getting heavier, Hollywood’s elite are downing horse steroids and Adderall in an endless race to be ever-thinner. It’s not surprising, then, that designers are now offering “sub-zero” sizing for the waif that needs to take in her size zero jeans.

While this may seem disturbing, designers claim that sizes are arbitrary anyway, and that almost no one is following guidelines for the waist and hip measurements for sizing. Indeed, a size 6 of today was once a 14 of yesterday. The average US woman is 5 feet 4 and weighs 155 pounds, which is 20 pounds heavier than 40 years ago.

[Thanks to Fark for linking this]

There is the worry that a double-0 or sub-zero size will become the new benchmark for anorexic pride. Nicole Miller is justifying the new sizing, saying that there’s a call for it in Asia, where women are generally smaller.

A zero of today may be a four of yesterday. Author Pam Danziger claims that she uses old Vogue sewing patterns in a size 14 when she regularly buys a size 6 at the store. That doesn’t make me feel depressed or anything.

Here’s Nicole Richie with what looks like her butt hanging out, but it’s hard to tell. [via]

Britney Spears must have read our fantasy celebrity futures wish list, because she’s hired a team of nannies, nutritionists, and trainers, and is working out furiously to drop the baby weight in time for K-Fed’s Halloween CD release party:

Let me put in another unpaid plug for Best Shape of Your Life, because you can drop weight quickly in less than three hours total a week - including cardio - at the gym. It’s all about eating right and lifting heavy weights to shape your body quickly.

Britney would work out for hours on end, though. She doesn’t seem to quite get the concept that you need to cut calories too and that mocha frappuccinos are fattening. Let’s hope that she’s hired good people and that she’s not sabotaging her efforts by trying to do too much too soon. There was a rumor that she had a tummy tuck after SPF2’s (?) birth, and that could have been true.

When Halloween rolls around we’re set to find out if Britney had a boy or a girl, what the infant’s name is, and how fast Britney can lose weight. K-Fed’s album will undoubtedly be ignored at his CD release party as everyone talks about his wife and latest spawn, and that’s sure to piss him off.

The fake People covers featuring Britney were found on BreatheHeavy.com.

Gwyneth Paltrow is on one of her supposedly crazy diets again where you don’t eat dairy or gluten/wheat products and avoid most fruit. It’s the lead story in the celebrity section of The Sun today, and they make a big deal out of it, but it doesn’t seem so strange to me:

Gwyneth just must have started this diet, because she sure had plenty of champagne at her birthday party last month.

I have gone on diets like that and once you’re used to the routine you feel pretty healthy as long as you’re getting the right nutrients. After my son was born I went on a no-wheat no-milk diet in order to make sure my milk was digestible. Some claim that it’s a myth that food you eat passes through to your breastmilk, but I got the diet from one of Dr. Sears’ baby books and I swear my baby stopped being colicky afterwards. After a few months less passes through to the baby through the milk so I went back to eating normal food again.

A lot of people are sensitive to gluten and dairy and a “paleolithic diet” is considered quite healthy by experts. A friend of mine’s wife had MS and was nearly cured after giving up wheat and dairy. For more on these type of diets, read up on Dr. Weston Price’s “Nutrition and Physical Degeneration.”

I know I am talking about diets a lot lately, but I think they really work if you’re sensible about them and eat enough.

Here is Gwyneth at Paris Fashion Week with Kim Cattrall. She doesn’t need to lose weight, but she could do something about her makeup. I really dislike it when people put eyeliner on the membranes of their eyes without putting it beneath the eye too and think it looks strange. Makeup artist rubygirl214 commented on our J.Lo looks terrible post, so I wonder what she thinks.

Pictures [via]

Lainey’s gossip points out that Lindsay Lohan’s pupils are pinpoints in these recent pictures of her at the Malibu Celebration of Film Dinner on October 7th. I would say it’s the effect of the flashbulbs, but her eyes are like this in every single picture and she looks completely looped.

Lainey says that if Lohan drops a lot of weight quickly now you can probably guess how she did it:

According to MentalHelp.net, physical signs of drug abuse include:

Pinned’ (tiny, constricted) pupils in the eye (secondary to opioid abuse)

Let’s hope Lindsay doesn’t go the super-skinny route again and that she’s just tripping on some recreational drugs that don’t help you get gaunt fast.

Pictures [via]

Hollywood’s pseudo elite are following the dangerously thin trend by popping an animal steroid outlawed by the FDA for use in feed and show animals. Clenbuterol works like the banned substance ephedrine by raising the body’s resting metabolic rate and burning fat. It’s not illegal for human consumption and is easily obtained online. European meat contaminated with Clenbuterol made over a hundred people sick enough to need hospitalization for symptoms including increased heart rate, tremors, headache, nausea, fever, and chills. If that’s what some tainted meat does to people imagine how injesting the real thing fucks up your body:

Years ago I took ephedrine for a day and I couldn’t stand how hot and jittery it made me feel. If this stuff is stronger the effect must be intolerable.

Remember when Nicole Richie fainted while shopping at Kitson and adamently refused something to eat? Richie’s stylist, the pencil-thin Rachel Zoe, denies supplying her clients with diet pills or drugs, saying she’s “too much of a control freak” to take them. There are rumors around Hollywood to the contrary, but if she is telling the truth at the very least she sets a bad example with her own emaciated figure.

The article goes to cite use of the ADD drug Adderall as another quick-fix way to stop eating and get that coveted skeletal look. Women just go to their doctor and claim to have trouble focusing in order to score a prescription.

I lost 20 pounds in two months by eating right and exercising. It was a matter of finding the right formula to use for eating right and working out. My goal was to get to a size six, though, not look like a skeleton. This is an attainable goal if you set your mind to it. Six years ago I got fit quickly on Body for Life, and this year I lost my stubborn baby weight on Best Shape of your Life. (Body for Life is a great program, but you have to work out every day. For Best Shape of your Life you only workout 2-3 times a week. With each you eat small meals six times a day, and both programs feature workouts that take less than 45 minutes.)

Pills and supplements are quick fix catch-22s that can cause long-term life-threatening health problems. Unless you’re willing to sell your precious health to the devil, the only way to lose weight is through a sensible diet and exercise program and there are plenty out there that work.

There’s more at work than simple weight loss with these poor women, though. Victoria Beckham recently said that she thinks she looks terrible naked. Body dysmorphic disorder is a serious mental problem in which someone has a distorted perception of their body and obsesses about it to the point of doing themselves harm. If her tiny body will never satisfy Victoria, she’ll never lose enough weight to be happy with herself.

Katie Holmes was spotted out at a high-profile lunch with what many people assume was a wedding planner this Tuesday. The woman gestured as she spoke at length, and from the expressions Katie is making she seems to be talking about something important. X17 has a video of the lunch, and there were clearly plenty of photographers on hand to capture the moment.

Katie has lost all of her baby weight and then some, sparking people to speculate that Tom somehow made her shape up quickly. There was a report that Tom was “very concerned” about her weight, but I call bullshit on this story. It’s an old rumor based on false stories earlier in the year that Tom was overseeing Katie’s fitness plan from Buff Brides. As I mentioned at that time, I e-mailed with the owner of Buff Brides and she assured me that Katie was not working with her personally and that all quotes from here were fabricated, as was reported at the time.

Tom and Katie are said to be on “PR Offensive” since they released pictures of Suri in Vanity Fair. They’ve gone to several of Isabella’s soccer matches and have taken care to be seen out at dinner. Suri certainly has never been seen out with them - not even in a stroller, so I’m still saying there’s something strange going on there, even if the baby is being kept at home for religious reasons.

A wedding would be the next logical step for Tom and Katie. They’ve managed to raise themselves in the public estimation by getting out a lot more, and a fairytale wedding would do wonders for their image.

Whatever motivated Katie to shape up, she looks great. Let’s hope she’s not too influenced by her friend Victoria Beckham’s waif-thin look. Katie is said to be jetting off to Paris to attend fashion week with Victoria this weekend. Earlier reports that Katie was slated to play Posh in a movie about her life were false.

Here are the pictures of Katie’s day out, courtesy of KatieHolmes.com

Nicole Richie was photographed outside the West Hollywood Recovery Center on 626 N Robertson Boulevard. I Googled the center and learned that it’s an informal recovery center that focuses on 12-step meetings. At the top of the search were results for Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings that are held there on Wednesday nights.

These pictures of Nicole Richie outside the West Hollywood Recovery center are said to be from 9/27 - Wednesday - the same day Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings are held there.

Here’s the schedule of meetings at the West Hollywood Recovery Center on Wednesdays. It is possible the Nicole went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting “step study” and not a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting as they are held at the same time. There is also a Nicotine Anonymous meeting at 8:30, but these pictures seem to be taken earlier than the 9:45 PM ending time:

Nicole has denied that she checked herself into an eating disorder clinic, as has been recently rumored. She wrote an exasperated message on her myspace blasting the rumors and saying that she’s annoyed that people keep bringing it up:

It’s long been rumored that Richie’s notorious stylist, Rachel Zoe, keeps her clients thin by serving as their drug dealer. Nicole may indeed be telling the truth that she doesn’t have an eating disorder, and her thin frame could be evidence of another addiction entirely.

If she is getting help, good for her. She seems really happy with Brody and hopefully she’ll kick whatever demons have been keeping her rail thin.

I’m calling this an exclusive because I believe I’m the first blogger to jump to this conclusion.

Richie is shown outside the 12-step facility on 9/27 and with Brody Jenner out to dinner on 9/24. [via]

Update: It looks like late afternoon in these pictures not 8PM, the time the meeting ended, as commentor Red Beet mentions. It’s unknown what Richie was doing at the 12-step center.

Janet Jackson claims she gained 60 pounds to play in the movie “Tennesee,” and that when the role fell through all she was left with was the weight. She said the only time she was comfortable was when she was laying down, but that her boyfriend Jermaine Dupree made her feel good about herself and that their sex life never suffered.

It turns out that a love of fried food may be responsible for Janet’s weight gain, and not a movie role. Fox News claims that the part never required Jackson to gain weight:

[via Gossip Rocks]

Well, it was a good excuse and it doesn’t really matter now because Janet is back to her fit, half-dressed self on the cover of every magazine. It’s amazing how fast she shaped up, but it must not be good for her health to yo-yo like that.

In related news, Janet gives out sex toys to her backup dancers. Janet has admitted that she’s a fan of the “rabbit,” the multi-purpose vibrator made famous by “Sex and the City,” and now says that she makes sure to spread the joy to those closest to her:

Too much information, Janet.