Just so everyone doesn’t start yelling at me right away, let me just say a few things at the beginning. I do think Jessica Simpson is a very pretty girl. She is even what I would call a “natural beauty” – I find she looks lovelier with little to no makeup or her usual drag queen styling. I also don’t judge Jessica for her weight fluctuations. Millions of women struggle with their weight, and Jessica might just be one of our patron saints. My judgments on Jessica are now and have always been on her general stupidity (which makes her relatively harmless, although very funny) and her consistently tacky, awful, unflattering styling. She’s a short girl with a huge rack and lots of food issues – and she’s also “the head” of a billion-dollar fashion line. Surely, it’s not THAT difficult for her to find flattering styles?

Anyway, on to the story – The Enquirer reports in this week’s issue that Jessica wants to become a spokeswoman for a major weight loss company, like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I think it’s not a terrible idea, although Jessica seems to gain and lose weight more rapidly than the average woman, and I don’t see why it has to be all “ZOMG, get Jenny Craig” when Jessica should just go the gym more often (and stop guzzling cocktails).

Jessica Simpson is lining up a new weapon in her ongoing battle of the bulge – the blonde beauty has set her sights on an endorsement deal with a major weight-loss company. Jessica, who has been adding weight in recent months, packed on another 10 pounds over the holidays. She’s now up to about 140 pounds, says a source close to her, and Jessica wants to follow in the footsteps of Valerie Bertinelli and Jennifer Hudson, who transformed their bodies while becoming diet spokespersons.

“Jessica’s convinced that becoming an endorser for a company like Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or Slim-Fast is her ticket to success,” an insider told The Enquirer. Hooking up with a respected diet program would be “a win-win situation for Jessica,” the insider explained. “Jessica wants to look her best and slimmest in her wedding gown later this year, and she desperately needs a career boost.”

The source added: “Jessica loves inspiring women, and she thinks working for a weight-loss and diet company would help reconnect her with her core audience.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition]

That last part bothered me a bit - “Jessica loves inspiring women, and she thinks working for a weight-loss and diet company would help reconnect her with her core audience.” Honey child, who is this “core audience” you speak of? Fans of Daisy Dukes? Jessica is not my inspiration, in any way, shape or form, but if she does end up signing onto a weight loss program, I would admire her courage. Usually, it isn’t the pretty girls on the cover of Us Weekly who end up with a Jenny Craig endorsement, you know? If Jessica does do it, it’s ballsy, and it could be a smart move.

Of course, if she does do it, she’ll probably mess it up somehow. When you sign on for these endorsement deals, do you have to give the money back if you inhale an entire ham in one sitting?

Jessica Simpson photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

How many Kourtney Kardashian bikini covers have we seen already? Like didn’t she lose her baby weight eons ago and already cash in on her minor weight fluctuations with various tabloid covers? A quick review of our archives shows that she scored a Life & Style cover in March about how she lost 33 pounds at that time, and a Life & Style inset feature in April with more diet and fitness secrets. Plus there are all the countless bikini diet covers we’ve been subjected to featuring Kim, Khloe, and Kim and Khloe, not to mention their various heavily photoshopped bikini ads. (The Huffington Post has even more Kardashian bikini covers in this slideshow.)

So here’s Kourtney in a bikini on yet another tabloid cover. They photoshopped her face to the point where there’s something “off” about it, like it doesn’t really look like her. It looks like they changed the shape of her eyes, doesn’t it? Kaiser reminds me that Kourtney has done plenty to her face on her own.

Inside, Kourtney reveals her diet and exercise tips, which feature a lot of plugs for that QuickTrim crap that her sociopath boyfriend shills. (She drinks the shakes, which are ok for breastfeeding moms, unlike the caffeinated diuretic pills.) It’s all about eating frequent small healthy meals and doesn’t contain any particularly groundbreaking advice.

Kim Kardashian is also shown in an inset on Life & Style this week, with the title “How Kim Lost 10 Pounds in 2 Weeks.” This must be that 10 pound weight gain she was complaining about in mid December, and sounds like the same article as her “revenge body, 5 pounds in 5 days.”

I think the takeaway here is that the Kardashian sisters somehow became the most prominent faux celebrities in 2010, despite the fact that you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would admit to being a fan. It’s reached the point where minor weight losses earn them tabloid covers and extensive interviews. They’re probably yo-yo dieting on purpose to enhance their brand.

These are photos from earlier this year and last year – back in February of this year and in November 2009, to be more specific, when Mila Kunis was working on The Black Swan. Back in January, I wrote a story about how Mila looked scary-skinny at a premiere, and many of you thought I was crazy. Well, as it turns out, Mila thought she looked scary-skinny back then too – she had lost 20 pounds working on The Black Swan, and she was down to 95 pounds. Mila spoke about the dramatic weight loss to E! News:

When Mila Kunis was making Black Swan, she dropped to a mere 95 pounds. She insists it wasn’t so pretty. However, that doesn’t mean she didn’t like it. At times, she did. We’ll let her explain…

“I could see why this industry is so f–ked up, because at 95 pounds, I would literally look at myself in the mirror and I was like, Oh my God!” she says. “I had no shape, no boobs, no ass…All you saw was bone. I was like, This looks gross.”

But then she had a couple of photo shoots and began work her next flick, Book of Eli. “In real life, it looked disgusting,” Kunis says. “But in photographs and on film, it looked amazing.”

Family and friends became concerned. “My mom freaked out,” she says. “Everybody started panicking. She was like, ‘You have to promise me this isn’t going to affect you.’ I was like, ‘I promise it won’t, but it might take me a little time to be OK with having a little more fat on me.’ ”

Fortunately, she put the weight back on.

“Man,” she says, “it took me five months to lose 20 pounds, but it took me just five days—days!—to gain it all back.”

[From E! News]

I’d go so far to say that Mila did not, in fact, look “amazing” in photographs. She looked tired and drawn and like she aged 10 years. That’s the thing about severe weight loss (coughKateBosworthcough). It makes you look hard and old. But I am glad to hear that Mila didn’t really like it and that she gained the weight back.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Kelly Osbourne is the December cover girl for Shape Magazine. I have mixed feelings about this. One on side, I’m really happy that Kelly has gotten healthier and that she has achieved her goal of losing weight and keeping it off, and I know she’s really proud of herself, etc. On the other side, I feel like a bitch for thinking to myself “We get it, Kelly, you lost weight and now all you can talk about is how hot you are and how you are competition for all of the hot Hollywood girls, please shut up.” NOW DON’T YELL AT ME. I think she looks great these days, and I’m happy for her. Sigh… whatever. Here are some excerpts from her Shape interview:

Kelly Osbourne on body image: “I was called fat and ugly in the press almost my entire life. I understand that being judged by others comes with the territory, but it broke my heart and ruined my self esteem. It sets you up to hate yourself in a huge way. I was so angry about the things people said about me. I truly believe it’s the main reason I turned to Vicodin and ended up in rehab three times. I just hated myself.”

On diet and exercise: Calling herself an “emotional eater,” Osbourne’s path to healthy living began when she appeared on Dancing with the Stars. Her partner Louis van Amstel filled her in on nutrition habits like eating a high-protein, low-carb diet. “He made me eat turkey burgers and salads…Then I started losing weight and realized, ‘Oh, it’s true what they say: Diet and exercise really work!’ ”

Continuing the exercise: “My girlfriends and I just started doing plyometrics,” she added. “It’s a killer—it hurts so much. But when you walk out of there, you’re like, ‘I can’t believe I just did that and my body looks this good.’”

Losing 50 pounds over all: “I used to eat chips and cookies and drink soda all day long,” she admitted. “I had to start making better choices. [Now] I indulge with pizza and cheese—I love Brie—and have cookies sometimes. But now, when I’m full? I stop eating! It may have taken me 26 years to figure it out, but I’ve finally learned how to do it right.”

Kelly said she cried when she saw the Shape cover: “I never thought in a million years I’d be that healthy girl who wakes up every morning to exercise,” Kelly says. “I’m rocking a bikini!”

She exercises six days a week: “I just commit to half an hour a day,” says the reality star. “It doesn’t seem overwhelming and I can handle that. I do half an hour on the treadmill and when I feel like doing more, I’ll do a few sit-ups and some weights.”

On being a simple size: “Now every designer will send me anything that I want, and I can’t believe that I am in this situation,” Osbourne gushes. “I opened up all of these zip bags last night from Marchesa — off the runway — and I can’t believe that it fits me.”

[From Radar & The Examiner]

Yes, because fitting into the sample size is all that’s important in life. I know that’s not what she was saying, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a moment in my teenage or adult life where I could have ever fit into a simple size, but really? You get to wear some free Marchesa clothes and that makes it all worth it? I’d say getting Marchesa clothes sent to you is a good enough reason to keep some extra weight on. Now, if it was Burberry, my ass would be going to the gym like a fiend too.

Shape photos courtesy of Just Jared & Radar.

It’s no secret for permanent Gerard-loonies that the man gains and loses weight very rapidly. Some (many) men are like that – they can lose weight with such ease, it kind of makes me sick. After last New Year’s gut-and-moobs explosion, Gerard quickly got back into shape, and was forced to admit interviews that he loves his junk food and butter and candy, and everything dipped in butter. Gerard’s weight fluctuations are so common, I barely notice them. Take his appearance this past summer, working in Michigan. All I could really see was “Mullet”. But it turns out, he put on 30 pounds by eating six meals a day, and he’s had to drop the weight in a hurry now that the film is done:

Sexy Gerard Butler, once known for his amazing abs and perfect pecs, packed on 30 pounds to play a middle-aged biker in his latest film, Machine Gun Preacher. But the 41 year old is no longer stuffing his face with six meals a day to beef up.

Now, to prepare for a new role playing 18th-century poet Robert Burns, Gerard is frantically trying to slim down and shed the excess weight.

“He stopped eating pastas and sweets, and is working out,” says a close friend. “In two weeks, he’s dropped 15 pounds!”

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

Yeah… about five of those pounds were “detachable mullet”. But Gerard has been looking good lately. And he’s been feeling good too, as evidenced by his trolling for strange at Victoria’s Secret shows and general groping of blondes. UGH.

But I am looking forward to seeing him play Robert Burns – he doesn’t really look like Burns at all though. You know who looks like Burns? Gasp – Robert Pattinson.

Drew Carey, 52, is on the cover of this week’s Parade magazine looking thinner than we’ve ever seen him and standing on an old fashioned scale. Inside, he talks about his 80 pound weight loss journey and the personal trials that lead him there. Drew was motivated to get healthy last November when he had trouble keeping up with his fiance’s five year-old son, who calls him “dad”. He reached out to a personal trainer and nutritionist, and they came up with an eating and workout plan for him that helped him reclaim his life. Drew says that he used to think he would die at 60, but that he now feels “like I have my whole life back. I could live to be 100 now.” Sadly Drew was reminded just how close he could have come to death when he lost one of his older brothers, Neal, 64, to a heart attack this July. Carey made a pact with his other brother Roger, 58, that they would each keep the weight off.

Some of Carey’s interview with Parade is below, and you can read more at the source. It’s a worthwhile read in that Carey describes his workout and diet plan along with what he went through to get there. He admits that it was hard, but says it was harder to eat the way he used to and to feel terrible all the time.

On how much better he feels
“The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat,” Carey declares. “You can only wear fat clothes, you don’t feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don’t have energy for anything. It’s horrible.”

Through better nutrition, daily exercise, and good old-fashioned willpower, the famously funny fat guy from Cleveland with the 44-inch waist and XXXL shirts has given way to a good-looking, fit, and happy 185-pound guy in a short-sleeve shirt (size M) and 34-inch pants. The incredible shrinking Carey rhapsodizes about the divine experience that is healthy living, especially his enhanced clarity of thought and renewed vigor. “This is how you’re supposed to feel every day,” he says. “This is what I should have felt like my whole life!”

But the comedian is the first one to point out that he’s lucky to have made it to this moment. “I always thought I was going to die before I was 60,” he says matter-of-factly. “My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. I’m not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.”

On his motivation to lose weight
At 262 pounds—his heaviest ever—Carey was poised to bust the seams on his 44-inch pants, a symbolic barrier for him since it was the largest size carried by the Gap. He had also developed a litany of weight-related health conditions, including type-2 diabetes. But it was Connor, fiancée Nicole Jaracz’s 5-year-old son, who gave him the incentive to get serious. “I couldn’t keep up with him,” Carey admits. The comedian would be left breathless and sweating after just a few minutes of playing. “I’d be like, ‘Connor, I can’t,’ and he’d say, ‘C’mon, Dad!’ That was a terrible feeling. I thought, I’m never going to see him graduate high school.”

Carey sent a plaintive e-mail to Marc Vahanian, the trainer he’d worked with after his 2001 surgery. It said: “Are you still in the lifesaving business? Because I need to have my life saved.” Vahanian started Carey on a fitness routine and in February referred him to Dr. Chris Renna, who has 30 years of experience in preventive medicine. Renna devised a customized nutritional and behavioral program. “Drew was at a crossroads, and the distance between where he was and serious medical problems was really very short,” the physician says. “His behavior had brought him to the precipice.”

On how crappy he felt after a relapse
Carey’s weight kept dropping at the rate of about three pounds a week. After 10 weeks, his doctor told him that his diabetes symptoms had reversed and that he no longer needed to take medication. In June, Carey went on vacation to Africa and carried Connor on his shoulders without breaking a sweat. Finally, on Aug. 15, he tweeted from the finish line of a race: “Just ran my first 10K in almost 25 years. Sub-60. Then I had my first ice cream since January. ”

But then Carey followed the cone with an entire pepperoni pizza and a cupcake. The next day, he ate another pizza, leaving him a few pounds heavier and feeling sick. He learned a valuable lesson from his relapse which he posted above his bathroom mirror: “Eating crappy food is not a reward—it’s a punishment.”

According to Carey, being healthy doesn’t mean banishing the occasional cupcake or slice of pizza from one’s life. “It’s no problem if you’re eating well all the time. But an entire pizza? I might as well think that hitting myself in the face is a reward,” he says, adding that for his next celebration he’ll treat himself to a massage or a quiet day with a book.

[From Parade]

Parade also has a comparison of what Drew used to eat every day compared to his current diet. Not only did he used to eat a lot of carbs, red meat and heavy sauces and cheese, he also used to drink “gallons” of regular Pepsi every day. There are 1600 calories in one gallon of Pepsi, which is enough calories for an entire day if you’re trying to lose weight. Cutting out soft drinks alone can help someone lose weight.

I love Drew and am so happy for him. He is such a positive example of someone losing weight for the right reasons and doing it in a way that’s both safe and life changing. Now that he’s slimmed down, I wonder how long it will be before he marries his fiance!

Drew in August, 2010

Drew in December, 2008 (credit: WENN.com)

I had noticed that Anthony Hopkins had lost a great deal of weight in the past few years, but I always assumed that he was sick and that we would find out at some point what terrible illness he was fighting, and until then, we should just respect his privacy. As it turns out, however, Sir Anthony was actually on a diet. He wasn’t sick. At least that’s what he claims. He’s promoting his supporting part in the Woody Allen ensemble, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, and he did an interview with NYP’s Cindy Adams. He tells Adams that his wife put on a diet and made him go to the gym six days a week (Jesus), and that he lost 75 pounds in two years the old fashioned way – through hard work. Just so you know, I find this whole interview charming, and I would hit it:

Sir Anthony Hopkins. In Woody Allen’s delicious new film “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger” — about how after you get older, des perate, divorced, Viagra and so sexy you marry a hooker, it all goes lousy. Said Hannibal Lecter:

“Comedy is not my usual role. I’m not Dick Van Dyke, but this was a good part, and I enjoy offbeat New York Jewish humor. I can play any situation. My character is ‘afraid of being alone.’ I know one divorced Hollywood guy in his 60s who got into hookers. He died, alone, in six months. They can have it. I’m in my 70s, and I know.”

“For seven years I’m with my third wife, who’s 18 years younger and a nurturer. I’m a loner. Very few friends. None actors. She has her Spanish lady friends around, and I love that. We have a ball. I’m not looking for women, but I do love the ladies.”

Said newly slim Tony Hopkins: “I lost too much, 75 pounds in two years. But I gained a little back in Europe. I was addicted to bread, cookies, whatnot. I love all the bad stuff. My wife’s no dictator, but she said I must stick to a regimen. So I’m in the gym six days a week, I power walk, live on 800 calories a day. No pasta. No seconds. A sandwich occasionally. Now I’m a health nut. I can’t get back into my wardrobe. I gave it all away to some mission. I tried tailoring the pants but they look ridiculous.”

“I can’t do anything but act. I stumbled into the profession 55 years ago. I’m careless. I go astray. Misplace things. As an impractical kid I was hopeless. I’d do odd jobs. If I weren’t an actor I’d be a burglar or seafarer.”

[From The NY Post]

“She has her Spanish lady friends around, and I love that. We have a ball. I’m not looking for women, but I do love the ladies.” How much would you love that? To be one of his wife’s girlfriends and get to go over to his house and flirt with him? But it does strike me that he probably is more comfortable being around women – he seems like that kind of man, doesn’t he? I love those men. As far as his dieting and exercise – he’s 73 years old! I understand that his wife wants him to be healthy, but let him have a cookie, for the love of God.

Header: Hopkins at TIFF on Sept. 10, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Goodness, Jessica Simpson certainly looks dramatically slimmer, doesn’t she? She’s still in New York, only this appearance yesterday wasn’t making people gasp at how bloated she looked. I’m always amazed at Jessica’s ability to lose weight so quickly. She really does – I don’t know if it’s because she’s so petite already and there really isn’t that much weight to lose, or whether she just has the kind of metabolism and workout ethic where the weight comes pouring off quickly. Or maybe it’s just three pairs of Spanx worn together? Anyway, these are new photos of Jessica promoting her clothing line at Macy’s yesterday. Her boyfriend was in attendance… because what else does he have to do?

Jessica Simpson squeezed into a little black dress Wednesday to launch her new Jessica Simpson Collection at Macy’s in NYC. During the two-hour store appearance, she signed autographs and greeted fans, whom she had earlier invited (via Twitter) to wear articles from her denim, shoes or accessories line. (She later posted shots of them on Twitter, writing: “Everyone looks amazing in their denim! I’m so proud.”)

Simpson, 30, was pleased with the turn-out. “What a great night!!!” she gushed on Twitter. “Thanks to everyone for coming out and supporting the line.”

After the launch, she treated her boyfriend Eric Johnson to dinner to celebrate his 31st birthday. They were spotted at Lavo, where Us Weekly held its annual 25th Most Stylish New Yorkers bash earlier in the evening.

“It’s Eric’s birthday!!!!” Simpson Twittered earlier in the day. “Party in NYC!!!!!”

[From Us Weekly]

Below are photos of Jessica and Eric out in NYC yesterday – their body language is strange. She’s walking slightly ahead of him, and yet he’s kind of leading her, like she’s too stupid to walk by herself. They walk this way all the time – it’s their way. It’s also reminiscent of the way Tom Cruise leads Katie Holmes when Katie is all loopy on Xenu’s Love (Valium?). They’re so weird. I bet Jessica is pregnant by the end of the year.

Jessica Simpson on Sept. 15, 2010. Credit: Fame.

Not since People featured Heidi Montag and her 10 surgical procedures have they stooped so low. (Well maybe when they featured Kate Gosselin’s new hair.) This week most of us will try to look away when confronted with Kate Gosselin’s smug mug and plastic surgery and Photoshop-enhanced body on the cover of People. Kate must have been jealous when she had to share the cover with Melissa Joan Hart’s bikini body last year, and at long last she has her own cover featuring her bolt-on boobs, cheap-looking weave and big veneers. In the teaser article on People’s website, Kate denies nailing her kiwi bodyguard, but it’s obvious she is, and they promise she’ll address the rumors of botox and boob jobs. You know she’s going to deny all that too despite her painful-looking wonk eye and those melon tits. Compare these recent bikini pictures of Kate to that cover.

She flaunted her body after (eight!) babies on the last season of Dancing with the Stars. But it turns out Kate Gosselin was just getting warmed up.

At 35, the reality TV mom says she is now “the most fit I’ve ever been.” How? She credits near-daily runs outside her Wernersville, Penn., home – and she’s not afraid to show off the results.

“I’ve worked really hard!” she tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “Haven’t I earned the right, at this point, to look good?”

While the single mom shoots down incessant tabloid reports linking her to her bodyguard – “It’s just absurd,” Gosselin says – she does hope her new body will turn some heads. “I’m waiting for Mr. Right. It would be nice if somebody noticed me, sure!”

For much more with Kate – including exclusive photos and answers on those plastic surgery and Botox rumors – pick up the new issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday

[From People]

She probably started exercising so much when she realized that it was yet another activity that allowed her to spend extended time away from her kids along with tanning, having her weave re-done and getting mani-pedis. Is Kate a decent seller for People? I guess she must be since this is the fourth People cover she’s scored this year. People love to hate her, and for good reason. My thoughts when I read Kate’s comment “Haven’t I earned the right, at this point, to look good?” were “no” and “you don’t look good either.” You can’t diet away ugly. I must be a jealous h8ter.

Isn’t she lovely?
Photo below credit: WENN.com. People cover via CoverAwards

Was everyone else startled when they first saw Kelly Osbourne at the Emmys on Sunday? She has lost quite a lot of weight. So much weight she pretty much looks like a different person. Not all of it is the weight though – she did away with the lavender hair, and now she’s doing some strange ashy blonde that ages her terribly. Anyway, Kelly took her new body to the Pussycat Dolls show last night, after tweeting the above photo. Kelly performed with Carmen Electra and Mya, and Kelly’s mom showed up with her new face to watch the performance.

Can I just say something? I’m a little disappointed in Kelly. I want her to be happy and healthy, but I think she’s just spinning to a bad place, honestly. Her weight loss is drastic, and she just recently broke it off with her fiancé, who broke her heart after probably-definitely cheating on her. This whole thing strikes me as “I’m doing fine on my own” move, and it’s not really coming across as “over it.”

Plus, she just looks extremely trashy in these getups. And not in a “trashy in a sexy way.” Poor Kelly.

What does Sharon think of all of this?

Kelly on Sept. 1, 2010. Credit: WENN.