In case you still give a shit who Paris Hilton is spreading herpes to this week, she’s been linked with Andy Roddick. The last time I blinked she was with Travis Barker slinking around Amsterdam in a matching hoodie, so what gives?

Wasn’t Andy Roddick just with fellow tennis hottie Maria Sharapova? Either this isn’t true or he’s slumming with some saggy civilian ass.

Here are the pictures of Paris at Tao showing her panties that you’ve already seen.

Pictures from France-Vidcaps and Hollywood’s Best.

Paparazzi photo agency X17 online presents Jessica Simpson’s timeline on the night that she was said to have hooked up with John Mayer at the Four Seasons, as reported by TMZ and gleefully repeated here. She didn’t get back to her room until 1:30 AM, and was seen leaving club Hyde with producer James Krisel. Commentors note that if she was dating Krisel she would have on her corpse makeup and would have worn her hair down.

It’s possible that she got busy with Mayer once she returned to the hotel, and it looks like X17 is just saying it must not have happened until early in the morning according to their spies:

It seems like hotels are bad news for young celebrities like Simpson and Lohan. They make the decision to party at high-profile clubs and stay in hotels, and everything they do becomes public. Of course that’s where all the action is, but if they hook up with someone it’s quickly going to become gossip news.

Maggie Gyllenhall gave birth to her first child yesterday in a NY-area hospital at about 8PM. Maggie and fiance Peter Sarsgaard welcomed a baby girl named “Ramona.”

That’s excellent and we look forward to a spread in People with little Ramona! Her pictures should be worth more than SPF2 if you ask me.

Pictures and story from Just Jared.

Page Six reports that philandering K-Fed, who is currently partying in Vegas with random women while his wife tends to their one year-old and newborn child, stands to get much more money then everyone assumes if he leaves Britney.

There was a story K-Fed gets more money in the pre-nup for each child he fathers with Britney, and that may explain why she got knocked up again so soon, and why his settlement stands to be this large if he leaves her.

How long do you think it will take K-Fed to blow through $10 million? The guy has a custom Ferrari worth more than a quarter of a million dollars, a Maserati worth at least six figures, and a $30,000 watch. There was a story that Britney gave K-Fed her no-limit Amex card last month to show him how stupid and gullible she is for trusting him. Maybe he used it to order this terrible pendant he’s wearing.

Things seemed rough but patched up recently for these two, as Britney has been supporting Kevin’s ridiculous music career by introducing him at the Teen Choice Awards and lending her vocals to a track on his new album. Now that K-Fed is partying in Vegas and being so aggressive with the paparrazi it seems like their relationship is just as bad as was rumored earlier in the year.

Here’s K-Fed partying it up in Vegas. As D-Listed points out, that stupid custom bling looks like a Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie. It probably cost enough to feed a small village in Africa for a year. Pictures from BreatheHeavy.com and taken by X17.

Update: The tattoo of a stylized “F” on K-Fed’s left arm is new, and is said to stand for Kevin’s Federation records. [via]

Anna Nicole’s quick weight loss and loopy public appearances make a lot more sense in light of the lawsuit filed by the man who claims he’s her baby’s daddy. Photographer Larry Birkhead says Anna is addicted to the heroin substitute methadone and that her lawyer Howard K. Stern is her dealer. In a lawsuit asking for custody of Anna’s newborn, Danilynne, Birkhead claims that Anna escaped to the Bahamas right before she was due to give birth in order to avoid drug testing, with the added benefit of denying him paternity rights.

He also says that not only is Howard K. Stern not the father of the baby, but that Anna initially shopped around for another man to pose as her baby’s daddy:

If this is true it sheds light onto why Anna was overheard screaming “You did this!” when she first found her son Daniel’s lifeless body. Daniel died from a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft, and Lexapro. He only had a prescription for Lexapro. Howard might have slipped him a little something extra to help him relax after his long journey to meet his new baby sister.

That’s incredibly sad. Anna and Howard need to be taken into custody soon and questioned about Daniel’s death.

The Sun claims that Matthew McConaughey has a good reason to work out constantly - he’s planning to release a men’s fitness and lifestyle DVD and will ask his friend Lance Armstrong to help him out:

This could be true, but I wouldn’t be surprised it was completely made up and there is no source at all. I would pay for this DVD dearly, though, just to um, be able to review it for you guys.

Hopefully Matt grew the nasty unkempt beard in order to make his planned fitness DVD reveal have more of an impact. He’s distracting from his hot body with this mountain man look, and maybe he planned it that way.

Matt was photographed with an uncharacteristic paunch at his fourth of July party this year. He also seemed drunk and out of it in pictures that came out of him partying in Costa Rica earlier in the summer. It took him no time at all to shake that little bit of belly and he seems to have spent his entire summer doing sweaty sports with his guy pals.

Hey that could explain why he’s been brushing his teeth in public too - he wants to focus on men’s grooming and personal care as well as how to get a hot body. That or he just had wicked cotton mouth.

Here are pictures of Matt working out. Thanks to I’m Not Obsessed for posting them, and x17 and SplashNews for taking them.

Shanna Moakler must not read the celebrity gossip on a daily basis. She probably thinks that Paris is still with her ex, Travis Barker, when the word is that she’s already moved on to Andy Roddick. Paris claims that Shanna attacked her at club Hyde last night, that she started swearing at her and hauled off and punched her in the face. Paris went to the LA cops, with whom she should be on a first name basis by now, and filed a complaint.

Shanna also filed a complaint against Paris’ ex, Stavros Niarchos, who she claimed threw a drink at her and pushed her down the stairs!

Now Paris was caught making up a story back in July of last year that she was attacked by a woman in a London nightclub. She’s being sued for $10 million by the woman she falsely accused, Zeta Graff. Paris arranged to have the story leaked to the tabloids by sending an e-mail to her publicist, and then hilariously claimed in a deposition for the case that “whatever I write in email, it doesn’t mean anything. It is just words I write.”

Paris also had a restraining order against her briefly by party planner Brian Quintana, who she called a “dirty Mexican” and reportedly harassed after Quintana is said to have told Paris’ boyfriend at the time, Stavros Niarchos III, to dump her to get back with Mary-Kate Olsen. Quintana said he would drop the suit if Paris would show up at the opening of one of his clubs.

Now, Paris claims that Shanna Moakler attacked her and of course that’s possible, but when she’s personally known for attacking other people, and for falsely accusing people of attacking her, who are you going to believe?

US Weekly claims to have an exclusive that Vince Vaughn broke up with Jennifer Aniston before he left to film in London. This seems like old news to me, because didn’t Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn break up over a month ago after news of their non-engagement came out?

US also claimed to have an exclusive in mid-August that Jen and Vince were engaged (I had to reuse the parody cover I made at the time), and stood by their story when Jen and Vince’s people vehemently denied it. They made it look like the two were actually photographed together by Photoshopping them together on a bench. They were only seen together at a tennis match while promoting their movie and in some grainy pictures out to dinner. They refused to pose together on the red carpet and drew hisses from German photographers when they remained apart at the Berlin premiere of “The Break Up.”

Now US says that Vince and Jen were engaged, but that it was the nail in their relationship coffin and that everything was downhill from there:

That’s just a teaser article and Us will have more details in its upcoming issue.

Back in early May it was said that Jen begged Vince not to take the role that would keep him filming in London for months, and that it led to a huge fight:

Back in college I had a terrible boyfriend who told me not to take the semester abroad that I was already approved for. I was supposed to be in Manchester, England at the height of the Madchester music scene when the world-famous “Hacienda” night club was open. It would have been a fabulous time. I was a dope and listened to the guy. He cheated on me within two months.

My point is that if you’re not married you should explore and live your life. If your relationship isn’t solid it’s not going to survive no matter what you do. Jen asked Vince to stay because she couldn’t keep him anyway. He was never willing to acknowledge that they were together, and acted like she was his buddy in interviews. I really doubt that they were engaged or that it even lasted this long.

There were rumors last month that Madonna wanted to adopt African twins, and I figured it was a story made up by the inventive British press that was trotted on slow news days. Now her annoying Madgesty is in Malawai for an unannounced humanitarian mission, and word is that she’s serious about coming back with a baby, just like Angelina!

That’s good of Madonna to use her enormous wealth to bring attention to how much she cares about the world’s youth. I googled Andrina Mchiela and she’s a real government official in Malawai, so this could be true. If so, look for lots of pictures of Madonna cradling some lucky baby in her buff, veiny arms.

There was a rumor back in early April that 48 year-old Madonna was trying for another baby with her tolerant husband, downtrodden director Guy Richie, who is ten years her junior. She was said to be hoping that a new baby would revitalize their troubled five-year marriage.

If that was true, Madonna seems to be sticking to her strategy. She’s certainly known for being persistent.

Here’s Madonna outside her London gym in late September. [via]

Update: there was a news report that Madonna adopted a one year-old boy, but her representative denies that it’s true.

What it is about Rolling Stone journalists that gets celebrities and musicians to admit they love smoking herb? Pete Doherty injected, smoked and snorted a cocktail of drugs during a Rolling Stone interview, and John Mayer revealed in an interview that he smokes pot and drinks hard liquor.

Ryan Phillipe told Rolling Stone that his ultimate dream is to move to the Caribbean and smoke pot all day. He also says he was completely wasted during his wife Reese Witherspoon’s win at the Golden Globes, having gotten drunk with Shirley MacLaine agead of time:

Now maybe I haven’t lived a celebrity lifestyle and have no idea how much stress it is to have so much money and lead an exciting life, but it seems pretty boring to me to live in the Caribbean for more than a week’s vacation. If that’s what Ryan Phillipe wants to do in 20 years we know who has all the ambition in the Witherspoon-Phillipe family.

I made that header image for another story about Reese denying that she and Ryan were having trouble because he was jealous of her skyrocketing career. It turns out she was probably right, because he wants to bum around the Caribbean and not bother working at all.