I don’t know if I trust this quote from Nicole Kidman, because it was published in Britian’s Mirror, which often makes up shit wholesale, and the source is some radio station, but she supposedly denied that she’s pregnant.

There’s an article about it on the Heart 106.2 website, so it could be true:

Once the audio and/or a transcript is online I’ll link it. It seems unlikely that she would justify the rumors, but we’ll have to see.

Kidman has been sporting bumps of various sizes, that some suspected were photoshopped and that others said was just harmless bloat. Her fashion choices haven’t helped matters.

So the issues with the site being slow came back even after moving to the new server, but my hosts moved me to a faster, better model by the end of the day so all is well. There was more drama this week with my server than there was on the celebrity front. I mean who really gives a shit if Eva and Tony break up and Paris gets punched out? Lindsay seems to be on a downward spiral, though, and that’s something.

Here are today’s gossip links. It’s good to be back.

- Dane Cook is an annoying dumbass and “Employee of the Month” has a predictable, boring plot. [Pajiba]
(Hey, I said it would be boring after watching the trailer.)
- Are Jessica Simpson and Dane Cook back together? [Celebrity Mound]
- Brad and Angelina tried to shut down an entire gym in LA so they could work out alone and were denied! [Janet Charlton’s Hollywood]
- Sienna Miller calls Pittsburgh “Shitsburgh” and disses it, then issues dumb apology [Mollygood]
- Dita Von Teese is not normal. [The Bastardly]
- Pregnant Tori Spelling doesn’t always look fug [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
- The Slimfast Photoshop Diet (warning) [Agent Bedhead]
- David Hasselhoff says his car Kit in “Knight Rider” was gay [Best Week Ever]
- Evangeline Lilly used to be a phonesex model. Ok, it was a dating line but that’s close enough [Seriouslyly? OMG! WTF?]
- Gwen Stefani confirms new album. [ICYDK]
- Love it or hate it: Katie Holmes’ new mature Paris looks [I’m Not Obsessed]
- Andy Dick says his son is so handsome he has to tell people they’re not lovers. Uh, okay. [Derek Hail]
- Katie Holmes is into bondage [CityRag]
- Ashlee Simpson looks like Mary-Kate Olsen [yeeeah]
- Jimmy Buffet busted at the airport with ecstasy [Spank Cheeks]
- Britney Spears wants Annie Liebowitz to photograph her dysfunctional family [Gossip or Truth]
- Billy Bush is responsible for Eva Longoria’s accident [Socialite’s Life]
- Kim Bassinger to go on trial for denying her ex, Alec Baldwin, custody rights to their daughter, Ireland [The Shallow End]
- What the hell is Mariah Carey wearing? [Gabsmash]

Brangelina and their three children have descended in Pune (pronounced Poona), India to begin filming A Mighty Heart, the story about the kidnapping and murder of journalist Daniel Pearl. Angelina Jolie will be playing Daniel’s wife, Marianne. Even though the actual event happened in Karachi, Pakistan, the film will be shot in Pune because Bollywood actor Irfaan Khan (who plays a Pakistani agent in the movie) was denied a visa to Pakistan.

Everyone involved in the production is under strict confidentiality agreement not to leak the whereabouts of the Brangelinas to the press, but that didn’t stop the Indian paparazzi from staking out their hotel to get the money shot.

The hotel where Brangelina is currently staying, Le Meridien.

The Indian paparazzi in the lobby are told to stay the fuck away by hotel management.

So the paparazzi decide to hover over the parking deck in hopes of getting a glimpse of the family arriving to the hotel.

The Brangelinas arrive in a Mercedes minibus

And finally, the money shot. We get to see Angelina walking into the hotel. No pics of the rest of the family yet, but I’m sure they’ll be on the internet soon enough. I’m curious to see what kind of baby gear Angelina packed for this trip. I can’t believe I just wrote that, but yes people, I really have no life. How pathetic am I? I could be doing something more productive with my time right now but no, I am sitting here on my laptop voraciously viewing pictures of Brangelina walking into a hotel in India, wondering if she packed a Bugaboo or a Plikomatic for her trip. I’m so obsessed.

Pictures from Just Jared. This post is also published on Chic Mommy.

Update by Celebitchy Of course there are pictures of Brad and Angelina in India already, and you can check them out by clicking on the thumbnails below. Again, thanks to Just Jared.

What would happen if Cele|bitchy controlled the celebrity news for the next year?

The high and mighty fall and the downtrodden rise in our fantasy celebrity futures wish list.

- Lindsay Lohan abandons her showbiz career to attend a small liberal arts college in the midwest, passing the torch to her unwitting sister, Ali. Lindsay will regret all the knowledge and culture she missed when she was snorting and fucking her nights away and the world will open up to her in a way she never dreamed possible, kind of like Reese Witherspoon’s character in “Pleasantville.”

- Britney Spears dumps Cletus and hires a team of experts to advise her on all aspects of her lifestyle and public image. She gets back into shape quicker than Janet Jackson, and just in time for her new album to drop. She pals around with a fabulous gay male personal trainer who makes her work out daily, tells her how to dress, and gets her to spit out her gum during public appearances.

- Julia Roberts makes a comeback, starring in four critically acclaimed movies in a year. Her roles feature different lovely, normal women of natural beauty, and she wins another best actress Oscar for a part that required no prosthetic body parts, weight gain, or unattractiveness.

- Paris Hilton gets fat quite quickly, and everyone assumes she’s become lazy and has given in to daily margarita and In-N-Out Burger cravings. After a year and custom size 16 couture, it is discovered that poor Paris has a microtumor on her pituitary gland, which led to her rapid obesity. (This can actually happen, I saw a show about it on “Montel.”) At that point it’s too late for Paris, who has lost her identity and all sense of purpose and must reinvent herself as a spokesperson for shoddy fitness products.

- Beyonce and Jay-Z get married in a lavish ceremony and throw an extravagant reception. Two weeks later, the clerk at city hall where they registered for their marriage license sells copies of Beyonce’s birth certificate to The National Enquirer. Beyonce is forced to admit to the public that she’s 32, not 25 as she has claimed.

- George Clooney falls in love with a fast gorgeous woman and quickly marries her, forgoing the formalities of a prenup. His wife leaves him after three months, exacting revenge for models, actresses, and scorned women everywhere. Clooney’s smirking ex predictably takes off with half his fortune, made considerably larger in the brief time she kept up the charade. This is just like what happened to his character Miles in “Intolerable Cruelty,” and he will not fail to see the irony.

- Matthew McConaughey becomes a spokesperson for NORML, the marijuana law reform lobbying group. Marijuana becomes legal by doctor’s prescription throughout the US thanks to the McConaughey-Phillipe “tokes not pills” Daniel Smith memorial bill.

- Jessica and Ashlee Simpson dump their father, Joe, as their manager and write a tell-all book full of juicy details of his maniacal controlling ways. Jessica gives up her singing and “acting” career to focus on her shoe and bag line, which she starts selling on QVC. Ashlee is content to continue as a bland pop singer known more for her dramatic image change than her mediocre talent.

- Fergie gets an offer from Depends undergarments that she can’t pass up, and becomes a spokesperson for the bladder control pads. She launches a new youth-oriented campaign encouraging 20-somethings to wear diapers before they get blotto.

- Scarlet Johansson comes out as a lesbian and brings her gorgeous Hollywood outsider girlfriend with her to events and movie premieres.

- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt realize that their philanthropic and ecological efforts mean nothing when they live in the lap of luxury and drive around in a Range Rover. Brad encourages Angelina to join him in a more authentic lifestyle. The two move to a remote African village to live off the land for a year.

Their young children thrive, but the stress and hard work have Brad and Angelina bickering constantly. Angelina wants to move back to the states after a week, but Brad is unwilling to abandon the project and tries to keep a brave face for the cameras. The whole experience is captured for a reality TV show to be aired on FOX.

One can only wonder what celebrities carry in their thousand dollars handbags, and this weekend Paris Hilton accidentally gave the paparazzi a peek inside her silver Balenciaga motor bag. While she was innocently trying to reapply some tacky pink polish to
her nails, the photogs started snapping away at her open purse, and guess what they found? Amongst a myriad of items, including a Blackberry, a lollipop, and a tube of MAC Lipglass, there was a conspicuous little plastic bag that looked like it contained…..cannabis. Or in other words, pot.

Her spokesperson, Elliot Mintz swears it’s not pot, but rather, loose tobacco. Paris likes to roll her own cigarettes. However, in the past her homemade cigs have looked too much like doobies for people to believe otherwise.

So here’s an enlarged photo of the contents of Paris’s purse. You be the judge, is it pot or is it tobacco? I’m guessing if it’s not pot, it may be betel nuts. Betel nuts are chewed in many Asian countries as a snack, and although they have a mild stimulative effect, they are not yet a controlled substance.

But Paris never struck me as the betel nut chewing kind of girl.

Hot on the stripper heels of their wildly popular S&M photoshoot for Flaunt Magazine. Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese have decided to give the dirty, old world more of the sort of bounteous charms that the world so seems to love.

The two will be portraying the sexy, soapy, sixteenth century d’Estree sisters — famous in France for their incesty bathtub antics.

Thats right hardly ever Naked Nude Scarlett Johansson combined with almost always Naked Nude Dita Von Teese … in a French Bathtub Frolic. This year Halloween is being held in The Candy Factory, Bill Gates is covering Santa’s Shopping overhead and George Clooney really does want to marry you.

The upcoming film “Mémoires secrets de Gabrielle d’Estrée” (The Secret Memoirs of Gabrielle d’Estrée) will be based on the 16th century diary of King Henry IV ’s mistress and directed by Sophia Coppola — Hollywood’s current go to gal for frothy royal romps.

Speaking eponymously to a grumpy reporter — the much lauded Coppola said, ‘ I’ve been rather disappointed with the lukewarm reception for my Marie Antoinette (starring Kirsten Dunst) — and the inevitable conclusion I’ve drawn is that the snaggle tooth did me in. When casting blondes … you should go for interesting cleaavage not interesting dental presentation.

” I had thought of the Dunst snaggle-tooth as a bit of a dodge around the Hapsburg chin question… quirky but still attractive, but I see now that if you are going to direct a bodice ripper … its best to fill that bodice till its cup runneth over.

And when I think of Bodice cups running over …. I think of Scarlett Johansson!”

SoCo you are not alone in that thought process.

Miss Scarlett herself has famously referred to the generous bodice fillers as ‘My Girls’ and confessed her pleasure in taking the girls out for a stroll down the red carpet. Now in combination with Coppola and Von Teese … its Girl Power Redux.

“Im looking forward to working with Dita, ” continued Coppola, ” She has that terriffic old-fashionedy feeling– so great for historical movies — what with the vintage outfits and retro-hair. She’s like Debi Mazar without the accent –and of course usually without the clothes.”

This post was originally published on Grumpy Old Indian Man, and is republished here under a content share agreement. If you would like to link it, please link directly to Grumpy Old Indian Man’s blog.

Nicole Richie found a Brody replacement just in time for fall. She was seen out with a new guy with her crown died strawberry-blonde and some more obvious twirly extensions sticking out. I’m not liking her new hair and wish she would just get rid of the fake locks.

It’s unknown who this new guy is, but chances are he’s in some band. If he’s a famous musician or something, please clue me in.

Nicole was seen out with two different random guys with their arms around her in early August before she settled with Brody in what many people claim never seemed like a legitimate relationship. One of the guys was semi-hot and one was weird. (The weird guy was identified as Alex “Orbi” Orbison from the band White Starr, and commentors on DListed note that the relationship was probably platonic.)

She claimed that she was “never really together” with Brody so it’s possible that she just was hanging out with him and that all the PDA in public was a put-on. It’s also possible that he broke her heart and she’s trying to save face.

She can’t shake the paparrazi at this point and is clearly playing to them so this latest guy could be just a friend she convinced to put his arm around her, maybe someone she met at a crystal meth anonymous AA meeting. His arm is draped around her loosely, and he’s looking down at her somewhat amazed, so she might have asked him to do it and he’s trying to be polite and not too grabby. Still, they seem kind of happy and she has the kind of self-satisfied look on her face that is easily achieved through great sex with a new guy.

Nicole is shown with the new guy in Beverly Hills on 10/7 and outside of a hair salon with her old, better ‘do on 10/3. Pictures [via]

Wow, I really dislike little miss spit-face Avril Lavigne now. Whenever I see pictures of her I kind of sneer to myself and the word “bitch” comes to mind. When a celebrity spits on photographers outside a hotspot nightclub two nights in a row and their husband joins in the following night it can kind of ruin a person’s opinion of them. When she continues to act like a mean drunken fool there is little she can do to save her public image.

Look she’s still pulling that tired old “flip off the photographers” bullshit - outside of an event where she’s supposed to pose and smile. She couldn’t even have been bothered to tie her Doc Martins. That picture was right after the spitting incident, so maybe one of the photographers questioned her about it and that’s her response.

TMZ says Avril was nice to people while entering Teddy’s on Friday night, and that she graced everyone with her bullshit drunken smile. They also have a video of her leaving Hyde all wasted that night, flipping people off and maybe forgetting to pay, so obviously she can only keep up the act so long.

Avril’s going to have to do a lot more than issue a half-assed apology and smile once in a while if she wants to clean up her image. How about some serious Peace-Corps quality charity work? I mean, like really get down and dirty and help people and don’t invite photographers until you’ve done some actual work and are ready to be nice and humble about it?

Normal non-famous people like me would kill to get into Hyde and Avril just shits spits on it. I want to see a TMZ video of her getting denied by the door Nazi next. There are real problems in the world like poverty, hunger and war, and when celebrities act worse than my toddler it reminds us that some of them have no appreciation of how charmed and exclusive their life really is.

Avril is shown at the opening of “Area” nightclub on 9/28 and outside with messy hair on 10/5. [ She is also shown outside of Hyde with her girlfriends acting like drunken trash on 10/6. [via]

Does anyone else agree with me that her marriage isn’t going to last? She seems like a really difficult person to live with and she may be young but doesn’t it seem like she’s partying too much?

At first I wanted to rip on Gisele for posing all dolled up with this indigenous tribe of people who are probably annoyed by her pretty invasion, not to mention all the camera and makeup people she must have in tow. She looks ridiculous trying to act all solemn while getting her face painted. She’s even seen applying lipliner while wearing a traditional headdress and peering at herself in the mirror.

Then I found this article in Portugese that says that Gisele is starring in a new commercial with the proceeds to bring awareness to Amazon rainforest deforestation and loss of clean water in Mato Grosso, Brazil, which is seriously threatening the Xingu River’s indigenous people’s way of life.

She means well of course, and she’s using her extreme beauty for a good cause.

Here’s the crappy online translation:

It goes on to say that of all the Xingu River tribes the Kisedje was chosen for the commercial because they are known for their music and spirituality.

The people of the Xingu river valley are speaking out against a hydroelectric dam that is under construction. Cattle ranchers, soy farmers and loggers are polluting the river, killing off native plants and animals. The indigenous people say that it has become unbearable in the past five years and that if nothing changes they will die out soon:

When I first started writing this post I was just going to talk about Gisele looking foolish among the native people. Now I realize how serious the situation is, and how much it needs attention.

You can help save the world’s rainforests by visiting The Rainforest Site and clicking on their banner once a day.

Here is more information about deforestation in the Amazon.

The last picture below has naked butts and may be NSFW. [via]

The Brangelinas are trying to keep a happy face and give the Indian and international paparrazi some much-coveted shots while they’re holed up in a luxurious hotel in India while Angelina films “A Mighty Heart.” Maddox looks just thrilled to be out with them, and I’m sure the rickshaw driver appreciates all the hassle and attention.

Angelina and Brad might be superficially acting nice, but their bodyguard Mickey Brett is a cruel mofo. He was seen choking a photographer trying to get some innocent pictures. He was accused of beating the shit out of a guy who dared breach the Brangelina compound in Namibia back in April. Maddox was even said to have witnessed the beat-down. He also grabbed a female reporter around the neck at that time and threatened several others so this seems to be his MO. Brad and Angelina should have fired this asshole a long time ago. He was suspected of a murder for hire in the 90s, but was not charged because there was not enough evidence to link him with the crime.

From the looks of this video, he’s capable of murdering someone with his bare hands!

Why haven’t they fired this creep? They’re probably afraid that he knows too much personal information about them and will go to the press. There was also a story that Brad was jealous of Mickey Brett’s fatherly protecting influence over Angelina, and since he’s worked for her for over five years there is undoubtedly a bond there.

I’ve almost soured on these two. After writing a post on Fantasy Celebrity Futures I’ve been thinking that donations are admirable and all, but it would be much better if they would give up their extremely comfortable lifestyle for a short while in order to make their charity that much more genuine? Is that too demanding and hypocritical of me while I sit behind a computer dissing them as Fergie would point out? Probably. There’s no way they could escape the paparrazi, even if they went to a remote village somewhere, as they proved by taking over an entire country and commandeering its national security force to meet their privacy needs.

Pictures from Angelina Web and taken by X17.