I went to bed last night and when I woke up several of my dreams came true! The Dems captured the House in the US and Britney filed for divorce from K-Fed. She’s now a size six and she made a TV appearance after submitting to the skills of a makeup artist and halfway decent stylist. She wasn’t even chewing gum. I thought that was a big step for Britney, but she had a bigger surpise in store for everyone.

Sources say that K-Fed didn’t have a clue that the axe was coming and that Britney slapped the divorce papers on him unexpectedly! What’s more is that Britney might not even have to give K-Fed 1/2 a million according to their prenup. It’s a good f’in day!

Just a week after Kevin Federline told a Boston radio audience that he and Britney Spears “have a wonderful relationship,” the fading pop princess shocked the world and filed for divorce from the ne’er-do-well rapper.

Spears, apparently K-Fed up with her layabout spouse, sought to dissolve her marriage in Los Angeles County Superior Court yesterday, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

And just hours before kicking K-Fed to the curb, Britney flaunted her newly svelte form in a suprise appearance on the “Late Show with David Letterman” Monday night. Just to make sure her soon-to-be-ex would know what he’s going to be missing . . . .

The 24-year-old singer requested both legal and physical custody of their two sons, Sean Preston, 1, and 2-month-old Jayden James. She offered K-Fed reasonable visitation rights.

However,the Chaotic end to their two-year union was complicated by the fact that Federline was in Toronto promoting his debut rap album and Spears’ legal papers cited Monday as the date of their separation. Leaving many celeb pundits to wonder whether K-Fed was privvy to his wife’s decision to pull the plug on their merger.

Just last week the 28-year-old rapper assured WAAF’s Greg Hill that the Spederlines “were very happy and have a wonderful relationship.”

“I’m in mourning for K-Fed,” Hill told the Track yesterday. “But Kevin said he never reads any of the press about their marriage and doesn’t listen to what anyone says. So maybe he doesn’t read divorce papers either and doesn’t know about it yet.”

In fact, the “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” star seemed clueless to any marital strife, according to Canada.com.

Sources told the Web site that Federline was overheard yesterday saying he hoped his wife would come to Toronto and surprise him.

Well, she probably surprised him all right!

Debra Birnbaum, editor and chief of Life & Style magazine says while K-Fed probably saw a split in their future, the timing may have been an unexpected blow.

“It couldn’t be worse timing for K-Fed,” Birnbaum said. “We’ve reported that he’s been trying to negotiate more money in their prenup for some time now. And his CD has not exactly been doing too well.”

But Spears’ decision to lose her trashtastic hubby has been a long time coming, Birnbaum added.

“I think the second pregnancy was a complete surprise to them and they decided to try and work it out for the sake of the kids,” she mused. “She’s ready for a comeback and I think she finally realized he’s a laughingstock - to be polite. She can’t succeed with Kevin attached to her.”

Birnbaum added that the couple’s recent sojourn to New York City to promote K-Fed’s CD seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Britney is said to have been photographed breaking down several times while in NY with K-Fed, and Life & Style says that the pictures will be in their upcoming issue.

In the divorce papers, Britney lists October 8, 2004 as the date of their marriage, not their big wedding day of September 18th. She has also hired divorce lawyer Laura Wasser, who has represented Angelina Jolie and Nick Lachey.

Remember how I said I needed a gossip boost because I was getting burnt out? This will do quite nicely. Plus we have two new contributing writers. Thanks to Lady Licorice and Celebrity Baby Scoop for helping out. Visit their excellent sites and give them some love.

Britney is fulfilling her destiny as laid out in our Fantasy Celebrity Futures wish list.

Here are tons of pictures of Britney in NY. She looks so happy. Thanks to BreatheHeavy.com and Splash News for these pictures.

You almost feel sorry for that asshole for a minute. He went on and on about how Britney encourages his crappy career and how they’re in a partnership. Then he gets a text message that his free ride is over. K-Fed - you’re going to be forever known as that douche that used to be married to Britney Spears!

Thanks to BreatheHeavy.com for this video.

Life & Style claims that K-Fed wanted to surprise Britney with a divorce first, and was trying to use their first child, Sean Preston, as leverage. Kevin met with a divorce attorney in May and wanted work out a hefty $10 million settlement for himself. Once little Jayden James was born, Kevin wanted to up that amount to an unbelievable $30 million. The bastard tried to use their two children as pawns so that he could get more cars and jewelry to “rap” about:

As early as last May, Kevin, 28, began secretly meeting with his lawyer, Mark Kaplan, to work out a settlement deal with Britney, 24. Kevin was prepared to use their son, Sean Preston, now 1, as leverage: If Britney didn’t give Kevin $10 million, plus their $10 million Malibu mansion, he would sue her for custody, claims an insider. “Kevin knows that Sean is Britney’s Achilles’ heel,” an insider says.

But the couple stayed together through the birth of their second son, Jayden James, now 2 months. Yet Life & Style knows that Kevin recently went back to his lawyer for more secret divorce talks — and this time, he had two babies to use as pawns. He was hoping to score a $30 million payday.

“He feels like $10 million is not a generous amount if he and Britney split since he won’t have any part of his sons’ lives,” says an insider.

But Britney was too quick for him. While Kevin was caught up with his troubled album-release tour, she filed papers of her own asking for legal and physical custody of Sean and Jayden — before the couple reached any kind of deal.

“There was no way she was going to let Kevin lead the way on this subject,” says a close friend of Kevin’s. “She filed first to save face. It’s all about taking care of the babies and keeping the money.”

And Brit’s prenup should be airtight. According to the prenup, Kevin will receive $300,000, any gifts Britney bought him that cost less than $10,000 and half the value of their $10 million Malibu mansion.

Perhaps if Kevin had paid more attention to his wife instead of his career and friends, he would have seen the legal war coming. After a bitter fight on Oct. 11, Britney told him, “If you want to act like you’re a bachelor who doesn’t have a family or a wife, I can make that a reality,” says a friend who witnessed the fight. Brit later got on the phone with her mother and told her, “This isn’t working.”

By filing for divorce first and not succumbing to Kevin’s ridiculous settlement demands, Britney is making sure that the terms of their prenup are adhered to:

According to an Us Magazine article from December 2005, here are some of the details of their pre-nup:

• K-Fed won’t touch a penny of Britney’s money. All the millions belonging to Britney will stay that way.

• The mansion will be divided 50/50.
• Any gift given worth over $10,000 will go back to the original purchaser. This includes a custom-built motorcycle Brit gave K-Fed for Christmas 2 years ago.
• She will still support him for a little while longer. Brit will pay Kevin $30,000 a month for the period of time that is half the length of their marriage. Meaning he’ll be taken care of until at least a year from now.
• Spears won’t pay child support. Federline is still responsible for supporting his other two children with previous baby momma Shar Jackson.

This is the woman who once gave K-Fed her no-limit Amex black card to show him that she trusted him, so she deserves a lot of credit for filing for divorce first.

K-Fed has a custom Ferrari worth more than a quarter of a million dollars, a Maserati worth at least six figures, and a $30,000 watch. All that shit is going to go back to Britney!

(Prime Celebrity Tips Network e-mailed me the pre-nup details, and you think they would include a link back to their site, which I could not find.)

This video is so graphic I’m not posting it here, and you can go on over to Gawker to watch it. This proves that Anna Nicole Smith will stop at nothing to get some cash, because she sold this video for $1 million dollars. I don’t know why I’m surprised, considering that her claim to fame was marrying an 89 year-old guy she met while stripping the afternoon shift.

I’m pretty grateful that this was taped off the television instead of being directly transfered to video, because the added bit of blur gives it that much less of an edge, but it’s still really cringe-worthy. If Danielle was still alive he would be mortified, and this footage is sure to haunt Dannielynn for the rest of her ridiculed life.

And it just doesn’t stop today. This pr0n video service that copies YouTube has a ringer for Britney giving a way too professional blow job. Here’s why I don’t think it’s real: the woman in the tape is a brunette and the news of the supposed sex tape was published in October, 2005, way before Britney dyed her hair. The woman does look a lot like Britney, but she’s too thin to be her as a brunette and from some angles does not look like her at all. In the brief second she opens her eyes, her eyes look too dark to be Britneys. (Yes, I watched this closely.)

Here’s the NSFW at all link, which will work only after you sign up for that pr0notube.com service.

I’m beginning to think all this sensational news is just an attempt by the right wingers to take focus off the fact that they go their asses kicked in the election. Britney once said that we should support our president in every crazy thing he does.

News did just break that Britney’s sex tape case was thrown out, though. She tried to sue US Weekly for claiming that a sex tape existed and that she and K-Fed screened it for some estate lawyers. Since she talked so much crap about her sex life on that terrible “Chaotic” movie and appeared nearly naked in all her music videos, the judge dismissed her case.

Thanks to Defamer for linking this.

I know this isn’t celebrity news, but it’s pretty interesting. Scientists have found a dolphin with an extra set of fins, suggesting that dolphins once had legs and walked on land. Maybe this news came out earlier about dolphins once being land-dwellers, but this is the first I’ve heard of it.

Fossil remains show dolphins and whales were four-footed land animals about 50 million years ago and share the same common ancestor as hippos and deer. Scientists believe they later transitioned to an aquatic lifestyle and their hind limbs disappeared.

Whale and dolphin fetuses also show signs of hind protrusions but these generally disappear before birth.

Though odd-shaped protrusions have been found near the tails of dolphins and whales captured in the past, researchers say this was the first time one had been found with well-developed, symmetrical fins, Hayashi said.

“I believe the fins may be remains from the time when dolphins’ ancient ancestors lived on land … this is an unprecedented discovery,” Seiji Osumi, an adviser at Tokyo’s Institute of Cetacean Research, said at a news conference televised Sunday.

The second set of fins — much smaller than the dolphin’s front fins — are about the size of human hands and protrude from near the tail on the dolphin’s underside. The dolphin measures 8.92 feet and is about five years old, according to the museum.

Despite their big brains, scientists aren’t convinced that dolphins are as intelligent as they get credit for. Their large brains may be due to the fact that they are warm-blooded animals living in water.

Here’s a segment from The Simpsons’ “Treehouse of Horror XI” in which dolphins take over the world.

Yes, I know this rumor keeps getting recycled whenever Nicole Kidman suffers a little bloat or it’s a slow news day, but this time the National Enquirer is reporting it so it must be true. Kidman was said to be undergoing fertility treatment before her boozing beau went off to rehab for a little PR treatment, and now she’s said to be finally pregnant for good. When did she find the time?

Nicole Kidman is pregnant — and she broke the news to hubby Keith Urban at the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, Calif., where he’s in rehab, The ENQUIRER can reveal exclusively.

Two home pregnancy tests confirmed the 39-year-old actress is expecting her first child, sources say — but, ironically, her four-month marriage to country crooner Keith, 39, is in serious jeopardy. “Nicole’s dream of having a child finally came true when two home pregnancy tests came up positive,” an insider tells The ENQUIRER.

“But she’s devastated that Keith lied to her about kicking his addictions to booze and cocaine. She’s hoping the baby will save their relationship.”

I’ll believe it when I see it, but if it’s true good luck to her and all. She’ll need it.

Thanks to D-Listed for linking this. The header picture is from a few months ago.

Is it wrong of me not to be impressed with Kirstie Alley in a swimsuit? I mean she looks a lot better than she did, but maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to this. She should get credit for having the nerve and going through it, there’s no doubt about that.

A paparazzo hit Lohan’s vehicle from behind after a high-speed chase yesterday. This is the third car accident for Lindsay involving photographers. She was broadsided by a photographer’s minivan a year and a half ago, and she hit another car while trying to outrun photographers a year ago. Neither incident seems to have been Lohan’s fault.

Sources tell us a photographer chasing the 20-year-old actress rear-ended her black Mercedes near the corner of Olympic and La Cienega in L.A. around 2 a.m. yesterday.

“She was apparently able to drive a short distance from the crash,” says a source. “But she later pulled over and called a friend to pick her up.”

Lohan’s rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, confirmed the accident, but had no information on the “Bobby” star’s condition or whether she had filed a police report.

Earlier in the evening, Lohan was videotaped outside the hot spot Hyde, sitting in her car while talking to a “mystery man,” according to TMZ.com. “La Lohan appeared a little upset and teary-eyed under a hooded shirt” before “speeding off, alone,” the gossip site said.

People fear that Lohan is going to end up like Princess Diana, but there’s little chance of that since Diana was so beloved.

Lohan told Oprah yesterday that she hates her party girl image, and that she doesn’t think it’s a crime to go dancing with her friends. She was also defended by “Bobbie” director Emilio Estevez, who praised her professionalism on set, and said that she’ll never come close to partying as much as his brother.

Warning: this video is graphic and heart-wrenching. It made me cry. This is for you, “marines all the way.”

- The past four years in politics, in handy video condensed format [Best Week Ever]
- Is the Britney Spears divorce a big publicity stunt? [DListed]
- Britney and FedExes’ last days. [Socialite’s Life]
- Is Paris going to date K-Fed now? [Mollygood]
- Paris’ parents were proud of her sex tape. Really. [Celeb News Wire]
- Ryan Phillippe speaks out about his divorce with Reese Witherspoon [I’m Not Obsessed]
- Rocky 6 is coming out, and it’s going to have Slyvester Stallone in it. Yes this is true. [Suicide Girls]
- Laptop Bags for the girl with style [Lady Licorice]
- What the hell is Lindsay Lohan wearing?! [Haute Gossip]
- Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause is very aptly named, because you’ll want to get the hell out of the theater [Pajiba]
- Nicole Richie got all skinny because she wants to look cute like a little kewpie doll [CityRag]
- Nicole Richie as a marmoset [Gallery of the Absurd]
- Tampon crafts [Shallow and Tacky]
- Mya suffered a panic attack after eating a marijuana-laced cookie [Celebslam]
- Classic video of Madonna vs. Courtney Love drunken argument [Wampoon]
- Marcia Cross goes shopping [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
- The Bastardly lady of the day is hot again [Bastardly]
- Nicky Hilton is dating and Olsen twin ex [Agent Bedhead]
- Christopher Walken is going to play Ozzy Osbourne in a movie about Motley Crue [Gabsmash]
- Hollywood hair trend: the blunt bob [The Bosh]
- Elisha Cuthbert really is the fug girl next door [IDLYITW]
- Elle Macpherson in a see through top [ICYDK]