Fergie looks like a fool while trying to rap about herself and standing bow-legged in a tutu at last night’s Billboard awards. She forgot some of the words near the end of the song and is clearly intoxicated. Gwen Stefani’s music might be awful too but at least she puts on a good performance:

Thanks to ONTD for linking this. Pictures from Gossip Rocks.

Blind items are a way for the rags to insinuate stuff they assume about the celebrities without getting into trouble by stating it outright. In most cases, like Ted C’s items on E! Online, they’re hard to figure out (probably because you need a translator for Ted-speak), which makes them seem more likely to be true. I mean, if it was obvious who the celebrity was why would they make it a blind item?

The NY Post just uses blind items to make scandalous conclusions about people and they don’t even bother to try to make them hard to figure out. Here are today’s:

WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . .
Britney Spears

WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . .
Lindsay Lohan

WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off.
Britney and Paris. Ooh that’s a stretch.

Am I right? There’s almost no one else they could be talking about.

Ted C. At E! Online is reporting that three of Jim Carrey’s recent movies were canned, and people think he’s just not as good as he used to be. Ted speculates that’s why his relationship with Jenny McCarthy seems to be going all super-well and clingy - he has nothing else to do:

Did you know Jim Carrey has had not one, not two, but three pics canceled recently? People are talking about it. A lot. Prepare to see much more ink on said dicey sitch.

Could this be why things are heating up so much between Mr. C. and that adorable Jenny McCarthy, those freshly jetted Tom Cruise companions? Does Jimmy-doll just want to curl up and be cocooned with his new, peroxided baby, just to be safe from certain pro naysayers? (Tim Burton, did you just blush?)

Yes, pals close to Ms. M. (who has been known to stick a parking ticket to a Hell-Ay clothing store she happened to be frequenting, doncha love that one?), are a bit concerned that J.M. seems utterly Stepford Wife-ready for life with the wacky comic.

There’s also a supposed quote from someone saying that McCarthy is scary skinny, but she looks pretty normal hanging out in Rome before the TomKat wedding with Carrey.

Jim Carrey is great at playing over-the-top characters like in Lemony Snicket, but when’s the last time he was funny? I was never quite entertained by him and find his humor kind of dumb and sometimes gross. He probably costs too much now.

Pictures from Mollygood and are from the TomKat wedding in mid November.

I’m a firm believer that women are at their best in a pencil skirt and fitted jacket, or anything 1940s-tailored, for that matter. Curves are accentuated, waists are defined, and a pair of ultra-feminine pumps clinches the ensemble. There are a few celebrities who come back to this look again and again: Eva Mendes, Christina Aguilera, and Victoria Beckham (say what you will about her, but she does look pretty great about 60% of the time) have all been known to put a retro spin on suit separates, with beautiful results.

If you’re having trouble finding something va-va-voom enough, here are a few online stores to check out:

Stop Staring Clothing

Danger Dame

Mode Merr

Jessica Simpson’s flubbed performance at The Kennedy Center Honors for Dolly Parton on Sunday sounded worse the way it was described, but it still looks really uncomfortable to her. I’m Not Obsessed is reporting that she is said to have feared a waldrobe malfunction, and that may explain why her arm is right under her top and she’s staying in one place. She was said to have sung without projecting herself and to have rushed off after no one applauded for her, but you can clearly hear her and it seems like the audience claps afterwards. It’s hard to tell by the way the video was edited, though.

Shania Twain looks gorgeous and there’s also a clip of Reese Witherspoon’s speech about Dolly:

Thanks to Faded Youth for finding this first.

- Denise Richard’s crazy birdnest hair at the Billboard Music Awards [Bastardly]
- Cameron Diaz at “The Holiday” premiere [Glitterati]
- What kind of sci fi dress is Cate Blanchett wearing? [Haute Gossip]
- Match the celebrity holiday Netflix cover art with its creator. Hint: crazy peace tree is by Leonardo DiCaprio [Mollygood]
- Daniel Craig probably doesn’t want to go gay on screen, that was most likely a rumor [Agent Bedhead]
- The new Stephen King book is quite good [Pajiba]
- Dreamgirls premiere with Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson [Gabsmash]
- Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto” seems to be that gore pr0n genre that’s all the rage these days [Suicide Girls]
- Madonna’s husband Guy Richie it putting the kibosh on another baby adoption and wants nothing to do with Kabbalah. Baby Jessica is safe after all. [Socialite’s Life]
- Kelly Preston does Scientology Christmas stories [yeeeah]
- Guide to celebrity apologies [CityRag]
- Jesse Jackson urges Seinfeld DVD boycott [Celebslam]
- Paris and Britney are snubbing Ashlee Simpson [I’m Not Obsessed]
- Shirtless Benjamin MacKenzie on “The O.C.” pics and video [Oh La La Paris]
- Popbytes interviews the Indigo Girls [popbytes]
- Tori Spelling is having a yard sale! [Pop on the Pop]
- Jenna Jameson supports Britney Spears showing her crotch but tells her she should get paid for it [yeeeah]
- Serena William’s pit bull bit a security guard in the ass, and she tried to claim she was watching it for a friend, but she’s got a picture of it on her website [Rhymes with Snitch]

Chic Mommy transcribed this hilarious speech from Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live this weekend in a post that’s been quite popular, and has even been appropriated by a cut ‘n paste blog. Now the video is available and it’s quite priceless. I love how she tells Britney “Also, you have a one month old baby at home.” (Faceless Jayden James is nearly three months old, but that doesn’t make Britney’s behavior excusable.)

Thanks to Best Week Ever for linking this.

Last week we reported that tired old recycled rumor that Aniston is pregnant again with Vince Vaughn’s spawn, but it was reported somewhere new so it was like our duty to cover it. A “pregnant” Aniston was said to have been visiting Vaughn on the London set of his new movie, Fred Claus, where he’s re-writing the script between takes and delaying production. The most surprising part of the story was that anyone would believe that Aniston was still with Vaughn, because even though she went on Oprah just in time for the DVD release of “The Break Up” and sort of half-said they were still together, there’s no evidence to prove it and no one really bought their relationship anyway.

Now People is reporting that this non-couple is entirely, absolutely broken up. Were they ever together? They refused to be photographed together, Vince often called Jennifer his buddy, and he famously told Letterman that he wasn’t saying if they were or weren’t a couple.

After more than a year together, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have decided to part ways. “After Jennifer’s trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today,” reps Stephen Huvane and John Pisani tell PEOPLE exclusively.

The statement ends weeks of speculation that Aniston and Vaughn’s relationship has been cooling off. Vaughn has been filming Fred Claus in London since late September, while Aniston has been busy working in Los Angeles and New York.

Despite their distance, both had made efforts to ensure the relationship was still going strong. In October, Vaughn, 36, threatened to sue several tabloid newspapers that alleged he was seen kissing a mystery blonde and had ended his relationship with Aniston, 37. The actress also shot down rumors of a rift on Oct. 11 when she told Oprah Winfrey that the two were still together.

Aniston visited Vaughn in London in late October after spending nearly a month apart. The two took in the London sights and caught a matinee showing of the musical Wicked. The actress returned to L.A. a few days later…

After doing a well-received stint in the 6th Annual 24 Hour Plays on Broadway benefit in October, Aniston has been back in L.A. Vaughn will be shooting Fred Claus in London through this month.

Now who needs this publicity, Aniston or Vaughn? I would say Aniston since IMDB lists that she’s got three movies coming up, and it was her publicist who announced this stale non-news.

So this is why commentors were saying that it was old news when Gwyneth was talking crap about how the British were superior. E! Online has compiled a list of Gwyneth quotes and it looks like the Portugese newspaper just cut and pasted her real statements from other interviews.

It’s possible the first quote below, from British Star where she said that the British were “far more intelligent and civilized” was made up, as the British rags are notorious for doing that. All these other quotes are from solid sources though so she did say that the dinner conversation is oh so much better with her rich British friends who don’t have to work:

To Britain’s Star magazine in February 2006: “I love living in the UK! Brits are far more intelligent and civilized than Americans.”

To London’s Guardian in January 2006: “I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don’t talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don’t tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is ‘I’m not achieving enough, I’m not making enough, I’m not at the top of the pile.’ It’s just kind of like, I am.”

To Harper’s Bazaar in September 2006: “People think it’s strange that I want to live here. But London is where my husband lives and works…It’s not as hectic as New York and not as vapid as Los Angeles.”

In the same Harper’s interview, on preferring her British friends to her American friends: “They’re intelligent and they’re not looking over my shoulder at dinner to see if there’s anyone better walking in.”

To Toronto’s Globe & Mail in September 2005: “I’ve always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it’s a strange time to be an American now.”

To London’s Evening Standard in December 2005: “I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist.”

I am a dumb American living in Switzerland, and it is a different lifestyle here. I don’t hang out with rich people so I’m not privy to fascinating conversations about the money someone blew on a piece of minimalist furniture. The people I know are just normal and nice and they’re not smarter or more cultured than my cool American friends.

It’s really clean, safe and picturesque here, with quaint festivals and open air markets, but the shopping is inaccessible and I miss 24 hour stores in the states. I mean the grocery stores close at 6:30 on weeknights and nothing is open on Sunday. Plus the smoking everywhere gets on my last nerve. It’s a trade off no matter where you are, and to act like you’re superior because you moved is ludacris. I have met several annoying Americans who think they’re hot shit for living here and travelling around Europe. Get over yourselves, people. If you’re a celebrity you should realize that your life is not reality for the rest of the world and quit talking smack.

Celebrities depend on the goodwill of the public in order to rake in millions for work that the rest of us would be grateful to get 10g for. We all like to bitch, but if you’re famous you should complain to your friends, not the press.

Oh - and I live in a country where they actually speak a different language, which humbles me every day despite my best efforts. As Agent Bedhead points out, these celebrities are moving to English-speaking countries. Let’s see Gwyneth try to get by somewhere she had to learn a different language to realize how superior the people are. Shania Twain lives in Switzerland and you don’t hear her spouting off about how much better it is. Some things are better, some things are worse, that’s usually how it works.

The California Department of Children and Family Services is said to be trying in vain to contact Britney Spears, who is suprisingly inaccessible considering how much the public knows of her whereabouts. Page Six reports that child welfare agency is concerned about her two children, Jayden James, almost three months, and Sean Preston, 15 months. They may be simply following up on an earlier visit after Sean Preston fell from his highchair, but it’s likely they’ve been tipped off by her antics with Paris all over town.

The best news is that Britney’s mom Lynne is said to be watching the kids, because grandparents are usually much more attentive than the help, but they also report that Lynne can’t get in touch with Britney, which probably means that she hasn’t seen her children much lately apart from orchestrated photo-ops.

A source close to the singer said, “The department has been calling Britney trying to set up a meeting with her, so they can check on [Spears’ baby sons Sean Preston and Jaden James]. The calls started after this recent bout of bizarre public behavior.”

But they are not the only ones worried about Spears.

Her family is aghast at her all-night partying with Hilton and Davis and were mortified when, on four separate occasions, Spears was shot by paparazzi not wearing any underwear.

The family source said her mother, Lynne, “is very disturbed and has been trying to get a hold of Britney, but she can’t. Lynne, Britney’s brother, Brian, and her dad, Jamie, are very upset and are trying to stage an intervention with [Spears’ manager] Larry Rudolph’s help.”

A rep for the Department of Children & Family Services in L.A. didn’t return calls.

But it wouldn’t be the first time the family service agency’s social workers paid a visit to Spears. On April 8, representatives for the department, along with the L.A. County Sheriff’s office, went to the Malibu home Spears shared at the time with hubby Kevin Federline after Sean Preston fell from a high chair and hit his head while he was under the care of a nanny.

Another friend of Spears said it is possible the department is now merely following up on that original visit. But the Spears household has probably become even less stable since April.

The public has yet to get much of an even covered-up glimpse of little Jayden, and at first Britney was said to be waiting to publish his pictures until she brokered a deal with a top magazine. She then was said to want to give the pictures away so K-Fed couldn’t get 1/2 of the profits. Vanity Fair may have rejected an unpaid Suri-like spread for Jayden, but People was interested at one point. It’s clear that Britney isn’t taking Jayden out or spending much time with him in between her busy schedule going out to clubs and flashing poon with her new friends. In fact we’ve seen way more of Britney’s hairless kitty than we have of her newborn child.

At least she’s been seen out with Sean Preston. That’s something.

Header picture of Britney out with Sean Preston at the zoo on her birthday from Celebrity Puke.