Warning: the following article contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts. If you are under 18, if this will offend you, or if you just don’t want to think about this crap you should hit the back button on your browser now.

According to convicted madam Jody “Babydol” Gibson, Bruce Willis and producer Jules Nasso (who produced action movies starring Steven Segal) ordered up five hookers for a wild orgy. Madam Gibson is now releasing the details of her celebrity clients chapter by chapter in a tell-all book accessible from her website.

She claims to have juicy details of sex sessions her celebrity clients had with her hookers. Implicated names include Arnold Swarzenegger, Ben Affleck, former Dodgers Manager Tom Lasorda, and Ben Barnes, a former lieutenant governor of Texas, who is known for admitting he helped Bush get into the National Guard to avoid serving in the war in Vietnam. To substantiate her details about celebrity clients, Gibson offers receipts and books that were entered into evidence at her trial. She even had Barnes’ real current cell phone number in her records, although of course he denies knowing her.

I read the chapter on Bruce Willis, and Gibson, who went by “Sasha” when running her exclusive escort agency, says that one of her hookers in New York called her and said that Bruce Willis was interested in an orgy with a producer friend and five women.

Bruce spoke with the madam Sasha and initially balked at the $15,000 fee for two hours, but then gave in and ordered up the women to a midtown NYC apartment. She asked him to pick specific escorts from her website, but he said he had no time for that and to just send the girls.

At first Bruce had the hookers put on a show involving lesbian sex, but soon they were all doing it. Bruce’s friend Jules just stuck with one girl the whole night, but Bruce was a bit kinkier and had several women at once. He also, uh, tossed one girl’s salad. Unfortunately no sex stuff went on between Bruce and his friend or that would have been particularly interesting:

The following morning I waited for Lucia’s call. I was anxious to hear ever juicy detail of her hot evening with Bruce and Jules and I loved hearing about sex. It was late in the afternoon when I received it.

“Hi Lucia. It’s Sash. So, do tell.” I teased [Note, she makes it seem as if she called the hooker when she claimed it was the other way around.)

“Wow! Well, he certainly is the stud, Sash! First, the two gals you sent Donna and Debbie stripped for all of us and put on a really hot sex show… Then, they starte workin’ it and began to eat each other’s pussy. At that point we all took our clothes off and everybody got into it. That’s when Bruce had me take off my g-string panties and sit on his face while he ate my pussy and my ass. He was sooo hot! He really could work his tongue on my clit and my asshole! My girlfriend sat on his dick and rode him for like a half hour. She and I switched and I fucked him too. He has a hot, big dick Sash!” she said.

“Well, I figured that. He looks like he does.” I answered.

“We didn’t really do much with the other guy. He ‘kinda fell for one of the gals and she got on him and started fucking him and wouldn’t let go! Then my girlfriend and I went to work on Bruce with the double blowjob. Looks like he was having most of the fun! He really wanted to shoot his cum all over her face but she wouldn’t let him. She made him cum on her tits. Real hot though! The time flew by!” she said.

[From SuperMadam secrets online book, Chapter 8]

All the details I’ve seen so far in this madam’s novel read like bad cheap erotica, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. It does sound a little too good to be true that both Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck were great lays who were well hung. Is it just me or is it hard to believe that Willis is well endowed?

Of course Willis’ attorney has denied this woman’s claims, saying “The story is a complete fabrication. [Willis] doesn’t know this woman. He’s never even spoken to her.”

She does have a receipt listing Willis’ name among the evidence from her trial, though.

Its like 007 to the third power … Daniel Craig is double O twenty one and old enough to drink those shaken not stirreds.

But are there enough martinis to calm down beating hearts worldwide at the thought of an Oscars party populated with not one, but three Daniel Craigs. Ohhh Danny Boy …the pipes the pipes are calling.

It’s Bondage Galore. And Female First has the news on the Danny Craig triplet threeway.

Daniel Craig hired two body doubles to escape an over-zealous fan at the Oscars.

The handsome Bond star was nervous about an obsessed New Orleans woman turning up and harassing him so he enlisted the help of two look-a-likes to avoid any unwanted attention.

A source told Britain’s Daily Star newspaper: “Daniel was extremely well looked after and security was at an all-time high.

“Daniel has had one woman from New Orleans trail his whereabouts every time he is in America.

I’m sure Daniel is always very well looked after, he has the look of a man who was just looked after about five minutes before you met him and who looks forward to being looked after soon again.

Of course how he can be sure theres only one of his New Orleans stalkers - when there are now three of him. There could be endless body-double stalkers handcuffing themselves to endless Danile Craig clones. A sort of Handcuffs Across America — giving a steely manacled new emphasis to The Special Anglo American Friendship.

“She always pushes to get hold of him and threatened to handcuff herself to him should she get near him either at the awards or at the Vanity Fair after-show party. So two decoys who looked just like him were hired for extra protection.”

I’m not sure of the actual logic here … surely you’ve just increased her chances of being handcuffed to Daniel Craig or a very reasonable hand drawn facsimilie. She’s really got those George Bush odds …. born on third base believeing he hit a home run.

Daniel, 38, was seen enjoying champagne, beer and martinis with his girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell, 29, at the star-studded Vanity Fair party at Beverly Hills’ Mortons Restaurant.

Daniel is not the only British heartthrob to be plagued by obsessive fans.

Hugh Grant, 46, was promoting his latest movie ‘Music and Lyrics’ in Amsterdam last week when a fan handcuffed herself to Hugh. The actor had to be cut loose by fire-fighters.

It would be harder to find a bunch of Hugh Grant look alikes … floopy floppy hair and earnest dissembling are harder to imitate than steely glances and a well formed backside. The former takes hair extensions and charming mumbling the latter can be done by focusing on the awalls and a nice pair of male booty spanx.

For proof of how difficult the Grantesque hair flop is to pull off … look no further than John Travolta’s Oscars toupee. You couldnt handcuff L. Ron Hubbard to those mahogany antennae with a full battallion of Bonds at the ready. Well looked after Bonds.

pic via balding blog
And Original Art by UrbanDK

Helen Mirren: Nothing Comes between her and her Oscar

Putting the Sexy back in Sexagenarian Helemn Mirren was greeted with an impromptu ovation at the airport when she arrived back in the UK. Everyone loves a home town girl making good.
The Mirror reflects on her Oscars glory:

HELEN Mirren was given a rapturous welcome back to Britain yesterday - after revealing she wore no undies on her Oscar glory night.

Dame Helen, clutching her Best Actress gong, got a standing ovation from fellow airport passengers as she strode to a waiting limo.

The Queen star, 61, beamed as she flew in from Los Angeles: “I’ve just had the most incredible welcome to my country. It’s very, very sweet.”
One fellow passenger said: “Everyone burst into spontaneous applause when she passed through.

“It was incredible and she looked really touched by it.”

Rapturous applause is one thing but Mirren does ravenous just as graciously. Given a framed picture of herself on the front page of the Mirror wolfing down an -N-Out burger at the Morton’s bash in West Hollywood. She exclaimed with joy:

“I love the picture on the front of the Mirror. It’s a wonderful picture.

“I was so hungry at that point and just needed to eat something.”

With her appetite for saucy scandal also in full bloom Mirren sat down with Oprah for a chat. Talking to Oprah, the most popular and adored Enemy of the American Hamburger ( You remember those farmers who dared to sue La O for talking smack about Beef), Mirren revealed just how revealed she was under that beautiful Lacroix gown:

- her outfit was so snug she was almost nude under it.

Dame Helen took the Christian LaCroix gold gown on to the show and giggled as she clutched her boobs: “It was all made for me so I didn’t have to have any underwear.

“It fitted me like two angels’ hands. I cried when I put it on - it’s a work of art.”

Lucky old angels … and lucky old boobs … they really did a great job together

What are you wearing?! Lacroix Sweetie. Then it’s fabulous!

Pics via komotv

His prosthetic penis wearing, blow job hustling in the parking lot Dirk Diggler days faded to the back of Marky Mark’s mind as he talked to the WENN recently.

MARK WAHLBERG is glad filmmaker ANG LEE passed over him when he cast BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, because the Oscar nominee was “a little creeped out” at the prospect of having to play a gay cowboy.

via PR inside

Poor Marky Mark Creeped out by Gay Thing. Happy to have lost Best Supporting Actor for Super not gay Role (The Departed) rather than lost Best Actor for Super Gay Role (Brokeback Mountain) to Another Guy who won for Mega Booyaa Gay Role (Capote)

From his early days as Calvin Klein ad meat: Marky Mark has made it clear that the gay thing was off limits … unless of course he got paid, got attention … or got a leg up towards a supporting flack role in an Oceans Any Number movie. Please.

The DEPARTED star reveals he and pal JOAQUIN PHOENIX were originally considered for the roles of ENNIS DEL MAR and JACK TWIST in the 2005 film - but both felt uncomfortable about sex act scenes in a tent.

Wahlberg explains, “I met with Ang Lee on that movie, I read 15 pages of the script and got a little creeped out. It was very graphic, descriptive - the spitting on the hand, getting ready to do the thing.

As we mentioned above, in the CK ad context - hands on his crotch was pretty much Marky Marks ticket out of Vanilla Ice land.

Still there’s nothing like an Oscar nomination to bring on that NKoTB flavored Alzheimers. The Departed was a showboaty, sub-standard Scorcese re-tread–but it did have lots of chest beating and fake Boston Irishness. That re-assures a certain beer swilling demographic that their manhood is viable … as they watch bloated actors be men with guns. Not however gay cowboys with guns … and of course saliva.

“I told Ang Lee, ‘I like you, you’re a talented guy, if you want to talk about it more…’ Thankfully, he didn’t.”

Which some sources believe is an exact repeat of how he turned down Calvin K’s request for a date back in the day … Maybe the two of them can still catch it on DVD at home one night over a nice sour grapes Shiraz. MMW aint seen it yet:

“I didn’t rush to see Brokeback, it’s just not my deal… Obviously, it was done in taste - look how it was received.”

If you are going to look for drama writ big …and what do musicals love more than their drama writ big … then the narrative arc of that lachyrmose kewpie doll Tammy Faye Baker calls out for Adaptation.

And not the kind where Meryl Streep hunts orchids but the kind where eyelashes grow wild … where tears flow like sooty rivers … where Preachers fall and Scandals rise and the PTL: People That LOVE get huge implants and date Sam Kinison . Hell why stop at a musical … sounds like there’s a ride at Disney World and a SIMS game in there as well

Broadway world reports that the project is underway:

A new musical, BIG TENT, based on the life of Tammy Faye Bakker, currently being developed

The musical will chronicle Tammy’s extraordinary and turbulent rise to fame. Whether helping to create and maintain a large TV network, speaking out on behalf of AIDS awareness, or coping with the sex and fundraising scandals that brought down her husband Jim Bakker, Tammy took it all with a certain style and dignity.

In the era of Jerry Springer the Opera - widely acknowledged to be a contemporary masterwork – inspiration flows from all sources. And TFB …. Who is now actually Tammy Faye Messner — has always had a crazy aunt, sad clown, nice lady charm that cut through the years of caricature. And what does musical gotta have more than anything else … it’s gotta have heart … Tammy Faye has plenty to spare.

Check out the Myspace page for musical previews
For more information on the show and to hear demo versions of several songs, visit its myspace at: www.myspace.com/tammymusical.

pic via TammyFaye.com