Stories like these are why I became a writer – this is one of my rare serious moments. Paris Hilton is currently rehearsing for her new role in “Repo! The Genetic Opera.” I’ll wait while you process that.

“The movie, based on a successful theatrical production by Terrence Zdunich and Darren Smith, is about an organ failure epidemic in 2056 that forces people to purchase genetically perfect ones from Geneco, a biotech company committed to collecting regular payments.

“’The idea is that everybody is buying up organs, and they cannot afford to pay for these organs,’ director Darren Lynn Bousman recently told MTV. ‘Thus, legalized organ repo-men come into the picture. Murder becomes sanctioned by law. So, if you buy a heart and can’t afford it, someone can burst through the door and take your heart out… and they don’t get in trouble for it.’”

[From Canada.com]

All of the dialogue in “Repo! The Genetic Opera” is sung. Paul Sorvino will play Geneco’s owner, and Hilton will play his daughter. The movie also stars Alexa Vega from “Spy Kids” and Tobin Bell from “Saw.” Paris refused to comment specifically on the movie, but did tell E! News that she was currently rehearsing for a “’very cool and unique project…We’re just in the studio. We’re doing dance and singing.’”

This makes my heart sing. I didn’t actually see Paris in “House of Wax” but I have read enough jokes about it that I feel I know the movie well enough to join in. And I didn’t buy her “album,” but again I’ve heard enough smack talked about it that I think it’s fair of me to say this: when you put Paris’s previous acting and singing skills together, you don’t come out with much. It’s kind of like that basic math you learned in third grade, that if you multiply anything by zero, no matter what it was you had in the first place, you end up with nothing. And Paris Hilton is that great big zero. I’d make a joke about how maybe that repo man came and reposed her brain… or her talent… or her conscious… or her [fill in whatever vapid Paris characteristic you’d like here] but that would be too easy, so I won’t.

Update by Celebitchy: Along with appearing in that rock opera in Canada, Paris is trying to breathe new life into what was considered a failed music career. She was shooting a music video this weekend, and rapper Akon has launched a public appeal to get her to sign on to his record label. He says “I would definitely sign her to my label ‘cos she’s a character. You give her the cutest record, something that’s just for women, an anthem; I think it will be outta here!” [From Net Music Countdown] I would just like to see Paris get dry humped on stage by Akon – only if she was willing. There’s nothing funny about simulated rape. It doesn’t seem to me like she would object, though.

Another update: This is a movie, not a play as I originally assumed based on the title.

Picture of Paris leaving the studio this weekend from Splash News.

Lindsay Lohan’s new movie is already getting a lot of attention as the most terrible 90 minutes of the year. A few random samplings of review headlines include “Lohan’s new movie one of the worst of the year” “’I Know Who Killed Me’ another low for Lohan” “Just kill me, please” “How bad is Lohan’s latest? You don’t want to `Know’” “Career killer for Lohan” and “Lohan’s bad week just got worse with release of her new film” – and I wasn’t cherry picking headlines. I can’t actually bring myself to pay $11 for anything with Lindsay Lohan, so all I can do is tell you what everyone else is saying about her film. First off, she plays two characters. Never an indication of an Oscar-worthy film (Freaky Friday anyone?). One of her characters wakes up minus a hand and a foot, insisting that she’s not an up-and-coming writer, but a stripper. Now this is sounding eerily familiar, with uncomfortable parallels to my own life.

“There’s a fresh candidate in the running for worst movie of 2007 honors. ‘I Know Who Killed Me,’ a ridiculous thriller (minus the thrills) starring the embattled Lindsay Lohan in a dual role, has all the hallmarks necessary for qualification: A nonsensical plot that grows sillier by the second, tawdry special effects, heavy-handed symbolism that’s big on electric-blue hues and mechanical performances are all culprits as far as the title’s concerned.”

[From the Hollywood Reporter]

Can anyone really say they’re that surprised Lohan’s movie stinks to high heaven? We all know the only reason she even took the role was those free pole dancing classes she got to take. In other Lohan news, it turns out she is still insurable, according to experts, but it will be a challenge. Most likely, she will have to put her salary in escrow until the end of any film she works on for the next few years.

“’I don’t think it (a problematic artist) is any more of an issue [thank it ever was],’ said Wendy Diaz, entertainment underwriting director at Fireman’s Fund Insurance Co., the leading film underwriter. ‘It’s pretty standard year to year.’

“But Diaz did say the terms for covering Lohan would likely be ‘serious at this point.’

“She said Fireman’s Fund, in such a case, would likely put in higher deductibles, or ask the star to put their salary into escrow to pay for any losses if production was disrupted.”

[From CNN]

So she’s not out of the running due to insurance – the article goes on to discuss other troubled actors, like Robert Downey Jr., who was still able to work. The biggest issue for Lohan seems to be: would anyone want to work with her? Lately it seems that everything she touches goes to hell, whether it’s films or friends. Why would a director want to work with her, considering all she has going against her at this point? I’m sure, at the very least, she’ll have to take a serious hit on her salary demands. Lindsay could also, (hopefully) be facing some serious jail time, and probable lawsuits. I wish I could end this story with one of those optimistic “hopefully now she’ll realize the error of her ways and get her life back together” sentences, but we all know that’s bull. She’s going to crash and burn, and keep doing it until she dies. I know I’m going to get angry comments for that, but considering everything that Lohan has done to herself that hasn’t made her change her behavior, do we really think even jail could straighten her out at this point?

Picture note by Celebitchy: Here are stills from the film, courtesy of Allmoviephoto. The trailer is below, and it probably doesn’t do justice to how truly awful this film must be.

Robert John Bardo, the obsessed fan who murdered actress Rebecca Schaeffer (“My Sister Sam”) in 1989 and who was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole and sent to Mule Creek State Prison in Ione, California, was stabbed 11 times on Friday by a prison inmate.

Bardo was airlifted to a local hospital where he was treated and returned to the prison.

According to a report in the LA Times, the suspect is a 49-year-old murderer who is said to be serving a life term. State Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation officials said the stabbing occurred in the yard while inmates were on their way to breakfast at approximately 6:20 in the morning. Two inmate-made weapons were recovered at the scene.

“She came into my life in the right moment. She was brilliant, pretty, outrageous, her innocence impressed me. She turned into a goddess for me, an idol. Since then, I turned an atheist, I only adored her.”
- Robert John Bardo

[Morbidly Hollywood]

Before her murder in 1989, Bardo (who was then just 19) was obsessed with the young starlet and had written her letters several times, even attempting to gain entry onto the “My Sister Sam” set. Later, Bardo obtained Schaeffer’s address through a private detective agency, made his way to Los Angeles and tracked down her apartment building. Upon buzzing her apartment, Schaeffer (who was said to be waiting for a script for an upcoming audition at the time) answered the door to find no script, but instead Bardo waiting and wanting an autograph. After asking for her autograph Bardo left, only to return approximately 20 minutes later. When Schaeffer answered the door a second time, Bardo pulled out a gun from a brown paper bag and shot her once at point-blank range in the chest.

Schaeffer was quicly transported to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she was pronounced dead 30 minutes after her arrival. The following day, Bardo was arrested in Tucson, Arizona where he confessed to her murder. He was tried and convicted without a jury by prosecutor Marcia Clark on charges of capital murder. On December 20, 1991, Bardo was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole.

Note by Celebitchy: Here’s the intro to “My Sister Sam”:

Adding fuel to the pregnancy rumor fire, Christina Aguilera has cancelled two shows on her Back To Basics world tour. Her promoter Michael Gudinski of Frontier touring had this to say.

“Doctors have confirmed Christina has a viral upper respiratory tract infection with a high fever and abnormal coughing,” Gudinski said in a statement.

“They have prescribed complete bed rest for the next few days.”

In the same statement, Aguilera apologised to her fans.

“Unfortunately, I have fallen ill with a bad flu virus. This is one of the best cities in the world to perform in and I am truly disappointed that I won’t be able to share my show with you all,” she said.

“Thank you for all of the continued love and support and I hope to perform for you all again next time.”

Sydney Morning Herald

Chrissie makes no mention of her alleged pregnancy, although she looks like she’s sporting a definite bump. Hopefully she is pregnant, because she must feel really bad being called fat otherwise. Maybe she’s trying to get pregnant and is letting herself go early?

Christina and her husband Jordan Bratman argue about her workload, according to Star Magazine.

“I think Jordan is concerned and has said so,” an insider told Star Magazine. “But Christina has shown no sign of lightening her workload and fully intends to finish her tour [ending Aug. 3]. If she’s feeling exhausted, she’s hiding it. She’s almost overcompensating, saying how great she feels to ease his worries, because the most important thing to Jordan is a healthy mama and baby.”

“Christina told Jordan that the doctor says it’s totally possible for her to keep working and have a healthy, happy baby. But that doesn’t mean Jordan is happy about it. Christina is the center of Jordan’s world. He’s naturally worried and overprotective. He’s trying not to get angry with her, but he’s probably frustrated that she can’t see his point of view and at least cut back on her commitments a bit.”

Hollyscoop

It’s so sweet in that newlywed phase when your husband worries about you taking it easy. Then when the honeymoon is over, he just walks in the door and demands you get off your fat ass and make him some dinner.

Header image from Splash News.

Jessica Simpson’s last couple of musical efforts have been met with lukewarm receptions, so she’s heading straight for the country and western market, saying she aspires to be like Patsy Cline. She also admits, in the same interview, that she spends a lot of money on clothes.

Jessica Simpson is a big spender, she recently admitted to Harper’s Bazaar — big surprise there. But the singer/actress also revealed that while sister Ashlee “goes to a thrift store and can buy something for 20 bucks … I have to go buy a black button-down at Barneys. For $900. Because it’s a collector’s item,” she said in the magazine’s August issue, which features Jessica on the cover.

MTV

Father/manager Joe Simpson also had this to say about her recently offered role as a porn star.

“The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star,” Jessica’s father and manager, Joe Simpson, told People at Thursday’s ABC Television Critics Association party in Beverly Hills.

“We were promised we would win an Oscar with that,” says Simpson, 49. “I was like, ‘Eh, we’ll just buy a [statue of a] little man and keep our clothes on.’ “

I guess he means buying an Oscar, because another statue wouldn’t be the same. Maybe a spare one off Meryl Streep? Besides, I think we all know it’s the spin you get in Hollywood. Some movie guy rolls up to you, chomping on a big cigar and says” Hey, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s got Oscar written all over it. It’s about a guy who is a Siamese twin, who falls in love with a hooker, but it’s only in his head. She’s not like a real hooker, okay? She’s good lookin’, classy. In the end she turns out to be real, and they get married, except you have to have a bit of dramatic tension, so I’m thinking one of the twins will die a virgin. Then there will be a touching moment where their shared penis gets in on the wedding night. The Academy, it loves this stuff….”

Paris Hilton’s grandfather, Barron Hilton, is so pissed off that the tart has sullied the Hilton name that he’s not only decided to cut Paris off from her expected $60 million inheritance (or $50 million, or $100 million, depending on who you believe), he’s cut off her entire extended family. None of his 11 grandchildren will get a penny, and when he kicks he plans to donate the entire billion he’s getting from the sale of the famed Hilton hotel chain to charity.

Hilton senior, the only member of the family left with a sizeable stake in the huge hotel chain, has let it be known that he intends to donate to charity the £1 billion he will gain from this month’s sale of the company to private equity firm Blackstone.

The money will go to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, the charity set up in the name of the founder of the family business. The 79-year-old patriarch is said to have told his high-living family that he is cutting Paris loose – and for good measure his other 11 grandchildren, too, none of whom will now benefit from the windfall. Instead, he is determined to carry on the family tradition for philanthropy.

“He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris,” says Jerry Oppenheimer, the author of House Of Hilton, the biography of the clan. “He doesn’t want to leave unearned wealth to his family.”

[From The Daily Mail]

Paris has two brothers Barron, 17, and Conrad, 13, along with sister Nicky, 23. I couldn’t find out much about her cousins who have also lost tens of millions each thanks to Paris’ fame-whoring antics, but her father Rick has five brothers and two sisters, so it’s clear that a lot of people are affected by this.

Paris has her giant hands in everything, and won’t be likely to suffer much from not receiving her inheritance. She’s trying to restart her music career and is taking voice lessons, and she just got a three year contract to represent teen-focused Bliss Diamonds.

She was estimated to have earned $7 million last year, and she’s expanding her empire, bragging that “I’m developing my own hotels, casinos and clubs and getting into real estate. It’s crazy at such a young age. I’m doing so much.” She got an incredible $10 million to do a sixth series of The Simple Life, $2 million for perfume in her name, and she has a line of purses, a cell phone game, an animated series coming out on MTV, and there’s surely a bunch of other crap she’s slapped her name on that I can’t be bothered to look up.

The Daily Mail says that her dad will be missing out on his inheritance, but that he “will not be short of money because of his property portfolio.”

It’s a good thing Paris is keeping so busy. The rest of her family is soon going to be coming to her for handouts.

Update: According to TMZ, this story is pure fabrication by The Daily Mail. They say Paris will inherit about $30 million, which is less than earlier reports. Who knows what’s true at this point.

Brad and Angelina and their four children are said to be headed to Berlin. They bought a 6,500 foot attic apartment in the former east Berlin back in February, and according to a British newspaper notorious for making up quotes, Brad supposedly told a friend he’s trying to design a house south of Berlin and wants to give his children a quieter life.

According to British newspaper The Daily Mirror, he said: ‘We bought this beautiful house in Berlin, and another one I am trying to design myself close to Potsdam.

‘We already have so many projects waiting and I am trying to travel and get inspiration all over the world and prepare myself.

‘We also don’t want our kids to go to school in Hollywood – it will be best if they can go to school in Berlin. We love the city. Berlin is so quiet and balanced, away from paparazzi.”

[Opodo Travel News]

I could not find these quotes on The Daily Mirror website, but there’s a report about this article in German language paper Bild, and they said that these are quotes that “a friend” of Brad’s claims he said. They are not direct quotes, they’re supposedly from a source, so it sounds to me like someone is filling in details that aren’t there.

The Bild also has another story about their “Dream Island” house. The German magazine Gala speculates that Brad and Angelina might build a house on the Schwanenwerder penninsula, which is in the southwest corner of Berlin, halfway between the center of Berlin and Postdam. This might be what The Mirror is talking about, but it’s not exactly Potsdam and is still part of Berlin. (Thanks to my husband for these details, he went to college in Berlin and lived there for years.) It’s also not a given that Brad and Angelina are building a home there, they haven’t bought any property, and it’s just the most exclusive part of Berlin, which is why Gala says they’re likely to live there. Here’s a link to the Google Map of the Schwanenwerder penninsula.

Brad and Angelina already have that nice apartment in the city, and that could be the “house” Brad supposedly referred to. Other reports have them giving up their careers and Brad becoming an architect based on these suspicious scant details. Whatever the case, I don’t know if The Mirror has any insider information and we’ll have to wait and see what happens.

My husband is up for a job in Berlin and we might move there soon too.
.
Header image is from of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt helping Shiloh into a private jet at Champniers Airport in Charente, France on July 24. Thanks to Splash News.

Angie Everhart, the tall red-headed model best known for being a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and appearing in some B action movies I guess, is now inexplicably engaged to Joe Pesci. She also was engaged briefly to Sylvester Stallone, and dated Prince Albert of Monaco and Howard Stern. She called Howard Stern the “best sex she’s ever had.” I know her from a couple episodes of “Celebrity Mole” I watched in 2004, also starring a pre-DUI Tracey Gold and Dennis Rodman. [Details from Wikipedia]

Everhart’s last relationship was with the Duke of York Prince Andrew, Sarah Ferguson’s ex, and there was even some speculation that she could be the next Duchess of York. That relationship must be over now because the 5’10″ tall Angie, 37, and 64 year-old 5’4″ Pesci are said to be engaged after being friends for seven years.

[Joe and Angie] were on a weekend getaway in Atlantic City in early July when the goodfella gave her the thrill of her life. He proposed by getting on one knee – and placing a stunning 8-carat diamond ring on her finger.

Now the couple is looking forward to a spring wedding. “Love blossomed after a seven-year friendship, and finally Joe said: ‘What are we waitin’ on? Let’s do it!” an insider told the Enquirer.

[From The National Enquirer print edition, August 6, 2007]

This will be the fourth marriage for Pesci, and the second for Everhart.

The Enquirer says that Angie and Joe have a lot of fun together and enjoy golfing and just hanging out. Angie is said to have helped Joe get through a rough time when his third wife was accused and eventually acquitted of attempted murder of the guy she married after she split with Joe. They are said to be planning a spring wedding.

These two do not look like they belong together, but there’s something acceptable in our society about an older unattractive dude with a hot younger woman. It all has to do with fertility and access to resources or something. When you see the occasional older woman with a younger guy, like Ashton and Demi or Halle and Gabriel, the age difference isn’t that great and the woman is invariably gorgeous. To balance out the equation, you would need to see a little old lady with a hot younger guy, like Dr. Ruth and Leonardo DiCaprio or Rhea Perlman and Keanu Reeves. That’s never going to happen, so instead you get old dudes that look like they hit the jackpot, and younger women who feel the same.

illustration from Gallery of the Absurd
- Britney Spears pole dance video breakdown [Hollywood Rag]
- A stricken Britney strikes a pose [Gallery of the Absurd]
- Jenna Elfman had a baby on July 23, a boy named Story Elias [DListed]
- Jaime Pressly wears a slutty outfit and blue eyeshadow on her birthday. She probably did say those obnoxious things about people who adopt for vanity reasons [The Grumpiest]
- Britney Spears is officially divorced, child custody battle still pending [I'm Not Obsessed]
- I Know Who Killed Me is unintentially hilarious [Pajiba]
- Cute Bastardly lady of the day, Jena [Bastardly]
- Johnny Depp to produce and star in a movie based on an autobiographical book by Hunter S Thompson (Does anyone else think this guy was murdered and didn’t commit suicide?) [ICYDK]
- Blind Item: which actress’ weight gain is being blamed on her scoundrel ex-boyfriend who knocked her up? [Evil Beet]
- Do Sean Preston Federline and Kingston Rossdale look alike? [Celebslam]
- Jimmy Fallon to Replace Conan O’Brien [Just Jared]
- Faith Hill yells at audience member for grabbing her husband’s balls [yeeeah]
- Christopher Walken likes to pretend that it’s his birthday [The Blemish]
- Kirsten Dunst And Johnny Borrell Are Over [Crazy Days and Nights]
- Christy Turlington in V Magazine [popbytes]
- Diddy is no longer the shit in the south of France [Bossip]
- Elizabeth Hasselbeck says she peed in her daughter’s diapers while stuck in traffic. At least she has an excuse, she’s pregnant. [Gabsmash]
- The Two Coreys premiered on A&E Sunday at 10pm [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
- Hilary Duff on coke to lose weight? [CelebWarship]
- [The Grumpiest]
- Stardust premiere with Michelle Pfeiffer and Claire Danes [PopSugar]
- Usher’s dad is a shoplifting crackhead and his estranged fiance Tameka got arrested in 2005, not that long ago [Rhymes with Snitch]
- Jenna Jameson wants Scarlet Johansson to play her in a movie based on her autobiography [Glitterati]
- Jessica Alba wanted to marry Cash Warren and that’s why they broke up, because he wasn’t ready to commit [Derek Hail]
- Jennifer Garner at the farmer’s market with Violet Affleck [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
- Pete Doherty back with the woman he dated before Kate Moss [Socialite's Life]
- Garrison Lane is due to be sentenced for his guilty plea for DUI and vehicular manslaughter on Thursday [Lifeline Live]

I don’t normally sit around having a lot of respect for Rob Schneider… because he’s Rob Schneider. He’s Deuce Bigalow. Actually, that is a good reason to have respect for him. Anyway, last week Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to be on the “Tonight Show.” Then she was arrested on a DUI for the second time, you know the rest of the story. So Rob Schneider took her place on the show, dressing up like her, including the ridiculous ankle monitoring device Lindsay’s been parading around. He got some good jokes in there, but a lot of it was funny because it was true. When Jay Leno asked Schneider-as-Lohan what happened, he responded, “Well, it was my assistant’s fault. I asked for a Diet Coke,” jokingly implying that the assistant mistook coke the drink for coke the drug. Leno also asked Schneider-as-Lohan which of her movies was her favorite. “I think Herbie Fully Loaded. Herbie was the car; I was fully loaded.” At one point Schneider took off the alcohol monitoring device and started drinking from it, revealing that it was actually a flask. I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. Dina Lohan, aka WonderMom, didn’t.

“We have a great respect for Jay Leno, but we are disappointed in the path he chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation concerning Lindsay. Thank you to Craig Ferguson for not making a mockery of such a serious situation to which teens and young adults are facing across the country.”

[From Access Hollywood]

Well today, Rob Schneider responded, and not in his characteristic juvenile humor way. He was right on the ball.

“’When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I’ll have an ounce of respect for her… I don’t care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She’s not a kid… Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life. I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there’s so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. She’s very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who’d trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.’”

[From People]

That’s so well said, I don’t even have a snotty reply. Except that I’m pleasantly surprised that such an on-the-mark statement came from Rob Schneider. I can’t believe that Dina Lohan has time to comment on Rob Schneider’s parody of Lindsay, considering all she has going on. She’s got a kid about to lose her life on one side of the country and she’s busy fighting her estranged husband on the other side. She really thought people making fun of Lindsay for being a moron was so important she had to condemn them? Who in the world is that nutcase to judge anyone? It’s like the rest of the world realizes she’s an enabler and a user, and she just sits there singing “I don’t hear you!” over and over with her hands on her ears. So Dina Lohan, thanks for being such a moron that you make Rob Schneider look like Socrates. It’s been a good day for you.

Note by Celebitchy: I’ve been looking for the video, but it’s not available on youtube any more thanks to a “copyright claim” by NBC. Don’t those network suits realize yet that the Internet is the best publicity they’re going to get?