The priceless video of Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, bumbling incoherently during the question and answer portion of the Miss Teen USA competition has been making the rounds over the internet and television since Friday. It’s really a monument to stupidity, but it does one thing very well: makes the rest of us feel a heck of a lot smarter. Now you really do need to see her answer this question to get the full impact, but here’s the transcript of what she said:

Question: “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

Answer: “I personally believe… that… U.S. Americans are unable to do so… because… uh…some … people out there in our nation don’t have maps and…. uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as… in South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, like everywhere like…such as… and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries… so we will be able to build up our future…for our children.”

[From the National Post]

I love how she just says “such as” here and there for no reason. She’s not even speaking in sentences or phrases, she’s just grabbing at words randomly. At the end of her answer, host Mario Lopez thanks her, and there’s this look of complete pity that is so humiliating. I’m sure he didn’t intend it that way, but when Mario Lopez pities you because you’re just too damn dumb, that’s soul-crushing. Well Lauren Caitlin Upton (who somehow managed to place third runner up) isn’t letting this debacle get her down. She was on the “Today” show this morning, trying her hand at a little damage control.

“I would love to re-answer that question,” Upton said. “Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. And if the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography.

“A YouTube video of Upton has drawn a couple million hits and thousands of comments, many of them with harsh remarks for the Lexington High School graduate who plans to attend Appalachian State University in Boone, N.C.

“Upton was taking her flubbed answer - and the attention - in stride.

“‘Everything did come at me at once. I was overwhelmed and I made a mistake. Everybody makes a mistake. I’m human,’ she said Tuesday. ‘I seriously think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question.’

“Upton’s former principal Creig Tyler remembered her as a well-rounded student.

“‘She took college-prep and honors courses and performed well,’ Tyler told The (Columbia) State newspaper. Miss Teen Colorado Hilary Carol Cruz won the crown. Upton was third runner-up.”

[From the Associated Press]

I will give her a little leeway – in that it was a really surprising question. I thought they generally give you obvious questions where you’re supposed to answer something about world peace or saving the future with children and a bunch of other meaningless drivel. But they whipped out a question that - while not confusing - was surprising. I’ve never heard that 1/5 of Americans can’t locate America on a world map. That’s utterly ridiculous, and I think I’d probably struggle to answer why that is, only because it’s so surprising. Maybe it’s the 1/5 that are illiterate? The 1/5 that suffer from severe glaucoma? I’m not saying I know the answer, but I probably would have mumbled something about “I don’t know, 1/5 of people are idiots” which still would have been a heck of a lot better than what Miss South Carolina said. If her answer helped her place third, I’m sure I could have come in second with mine.

Here’s the video. Enjoy.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image of Miss South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton at the Welcome reception for Miss Teen USA 2007on August 14th. Images thanks to WENN.

- Owen Wilson had a big fight with a friend before his suicide attempt [Socialite's Life]
- Luke Wilson visits his brother in the hospital [Just Jared]
- Kate Hudson was crying and distraught when she heard about Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt [The Blemish]
- Kate Hudson on the set of Bachelor No. 2 in Boston [ICYDK]
- Conservative Republican married senator caught trawling for gay sex [DListed]
- Photoshop in a Can: Perez Hilton edition [Gallery of the Absurd]
- Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey in Hawaii [Celebslam]
- Britney shopping in another cheap weave [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Britney smoking around her son [Evil Beet]
- Jessica Alba Had Dinner With Cash Warren [Bastardly]
- Danielle Lloyd Bikini Pictures [Drunken Stepfather]
- Jessica Simpson going out to a party [Hollywood Rag]
- Guess who is getting their bum felt up? [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
- Pete Doherty is banned from playing a charity gig at a prison [Agent Bedhead]
- Madonna’s Man Hands [CityRag]
- Dita von Teese In Harper’s Bazaar Japan [Crazy Days and Nights]
- Naomi Watts out with baby Alexander [PopSugar]
- Is Jake Gyllenhaal having a surrogate baby? [The Grumpiest]
- Jude Law is dating a German actress [Gabsmash]
- Teri Hatcher is Rather Scary Up Close [CelebWarship]
- Elisha Cuthbert’s ex boyfriend struck out with Paris Hilton [IDLYITW]
- Paris Hilton Topless (and Showing Nipple) in GQ Germany [Egotastic]
- Jennifer Garner & Violet visit the library [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
- Calum Best parties it up with the ladies in Spain [popbytes]
- Bruce Springsteen to tour again [Lifeline Live]

The best way to help drug-addicted Amy Winehouse and her equally drug-addicted husband, Blake Fielder-Civil? Don’t buy her records, according to her in-laws. Apparently the couple who raised a professional layabout and leach have decided they know what’s best for Amy: don’t support her career. They don’t make any mention of what anyone should do to punish their son Blake. But it is hard to take something away from someone who hasn’t earned anything.

“The father-in-law of singer Amy Winehouse said Tuesday that fans should stop buying her records to force her to seek help for drug addiction. Giles Fielder-Civil said Winehouse and his son, Blake Fielder-Civil, were in ‘abject denial’ about their problems. He said he believed the couple had used cocaine, crack cocaine and heroin. “‘I think they believe they are recreational users of drugs and they are in control,’ Fielder-Civil told British Broadcasting Corp. radio. ‘Clearly they are addicts.’ He said fans should send a message ‘that her addiction and her behavior are not acceptable. Perhaps it is time to stop buying records,’ Fielder-Civil said. ‘It’s a possibility, to send that message.’

“Giles Fielder-Civil said Winehouse’s record label, Island, should be more ‘pro-active in helping the couple to get better’ and suggested the singer not be given awards until she cleaned up her act. ‘We shouldn’t be condoning her addiction by rewarding her with these awards’” he said.”

[From the Washington Post]

From most of the things that have been printed about Blake’s parents, they’ve been less-than-helpful with regarding their son’s problems and his negative influence on Amy. They’ve repeatedly denied that he even has a problem, and have constantly put the blame on Winehouse. Suddenly they understand he’s a drug addict, but again, the solution is to put pressure on Amy. I understand that his ultimate point (though he doesn’t say it, but let’s assume this is what he’s getting at) is to take away the source of funding for the drugs. But let’s be realistic, Amy’s made a lot of money, and if everyone stopped buying her records today, she and Blake would still be able to get drugs. Poor addicts manage to do it everyday, so I’m sure they’d find a way. That doesn’t treat their addiction, and it’s just a ploy to get publicity for himself. If he really cares about them, he needs to shut up, find his kid, and get him into a rehab facility far, far away. Blabbing to the press doesn’t help anything, and it just demonstrates what an idiot the guy is. He’s never shown any understanding that Blake has some responsibility for their massively messed up situation. Though it kind of explains how he got that way.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image of Amy and Blake out on Friday after their big fight. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Ashton Kutcher, relationship guru and fashion sage, has some advice for women and men on how to get their styles to work better. In this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar, he offers tips to women on how to get their men to wear the clothes they like, and points out that men are there to highlight their ladies. Alright. I can’t tell if he’s a little metro, or just Demi’s mouthpiece or something. This is the guy who spawned the trucker hat revolution, after all.

“‘Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty or cute or that they clean up well,’ the 29-year-old actor says.

“‘So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana,’ he writes. ‘Feel free to be even more vague than that: ‘Wow, that suit makes you look like that hot football player!’

“Kutcher, who got his break on Fox network’s That ’70s Show, is often photographed on the arm of the stylish Moore, 44. The couple wed in September 2005.

“‘Trust me, say any of this and you won’t be able to get him to take the damn suit off,’ he says. ‘Before you know it, he’ll be wearing an Armani tux to league night at the bowling alley.’

“His advice for women: ‘You never want people to notice your accessories. … In this same way, your man should not upstage you. He is there to highlight you.’

“‘Make sure the look isn’t too matchy-matchy. … Your best bet is to match the man gear to that great new Balenciaga bag that you’re planning to carry. If your bag works with your outfit, so will he. ‘”

[From USA Today]

What kind of guy says “matchy-matchy?” I’m pretty sure that if he wrote this by hand, he dotted all his “i’s” with hearts. And I mean, what guy knows about the purse you’re planning to carry, let alone can name the label? I find this weird. I’m hoping and praying that it was just one of those “essays” that’s actually ghostwritten by one of the magazine’s writers. Because if Ashton Kutcher is sitting at his desk at night writing this, something tells me he and Demi are in separate rooms. Logic tells me there is no way this guy went from “Dude, Where’s my Car” to this over-sensitive, all-knowing fashionista in just a few year’s time. So I’m going to assume that either Demi wrote this and made Ashton sign his name, or he’s playing for the other team. Maybe that’s why he kept mentioning football players.

Picture note by JayBird:

Here’s Ashton at the Mr. Brooks L.A. Premiere. That’s right, this guy is giving you fashion advice. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Lance Bass has been getting a lot of bad press since he moved to New York City for a role in “Hairspray.” He gave an interview to New York Magazine, and they did a tiny little write-up as a result, mentioning that Bass wasn’t in love with the city, especially the real estate market. He’s also had many mentions on local blogs since moving here, all of which have stated that he’s been rude to fans.

“Lance Bass is here for a few months to star as Corny Collins in Hairspray. He’s not sure he likes New York so much. First off, it took three weeks, and three brokers, to find an apartment. ‘There’s a lot of pieces of crap here for a lot of money,’ he says. ‘And I don’t think anyone here has any style. I was looking at fully furnished places and it was like, you can either have a bunch of floral prints or some dusty couch from the 1960s.’ But he’s adapting. ‘My walking pace has picked up a lot,’ he says. ‘And apparently I’m ruder. I read that someone met me at a club and told me I looked great and I was like, “Don’t even think about taking a picture.” Which really sounds like me. And then they printed a picture they’d taken of me, which makes even less sense.’ He’s not hanging out at fellow ’N Sync alum Justin Timberlake’s barbecue joint. ‘I’ve been a few times,’ he says. ‘But it’s really up there. The Upper East Side? I’m not in college anymore.’ And, after coming out of the closet not so long ago, he has another startling admission to make: ‘I was the worst dancer in the band. I kind of hate to dance.’”

[From New York Magazine]

Lance didn’t like the quotes, and fired back on his MySpace page, along with issuing a statement to a few press agencies. That’s not really helping his image as a control freak. He’s now saying he “loves New York” and is really pissed by the “fake quotes” – saying the reporter, Jada Yuan, put “words in my mouth.” Oh his MySpace page [http://www.myspace.com/basslance], Lance wrote, “This dumb reporter just put words in my mouth and turned everything I said into a negative. I told her I love NY and I will probably be doing the bi-coastal thing now because I love it so much.” He responded to the quotes in an article in People today.

“As for what exactly got him so worked up, here’s a breakdown:

The claim: It took him three weeks to find an apartment. “There’s a lot of pieces of crap here for a lot of money,” he was quoted as saying. “And I don’t think anyone here has any style.”

His response? “I told her the first few apts I looked at were pieces of crap and the owners had no style at all… that turned into ‘Lance thinks New Yorkers have no style!’”

The claim: He’s not hanging out at fellow ‘N Sync alum Justin Timberlake’s barbecue joint. “I’ve been a few times,” he says. “But it’s really up there. The Upper East Side? I’m not in college anymore.”

His response? “I eat at Justins [sic] new place all the time, but it is really far away in the upper east side and always full of a college crowd. She turned that into ‘Lance doesnt [sic] go to Justins [sic] restaurant cause its too far away and he doesnt [sic] like it because he is not in college anymore!’ Um.. I didnt [sic] go to college, why the hell would I say that!”

[From People]

New York Magazine is highly respected. You can never know what an individual journalist will do, but they’re part of the New York Times – it’s not some freebie you pick up from a bin. They do a great job at deeply researched, in-depth pieces – along with the occasional New York entertainment related puff piece, like the article about Bass. They issued a rebuttal that was pretty funny for such a serious magazine. And they reiterate that Bass was a terrible dancer.

“We were going to be nice about this, because we’re actually quite fond of Bass, but then we heard that he called Ms. Yuan a dumb reporter on MySpace. So we invite Bass to breath deeply, stop reading Perez Hilton (who posted the story on his own site under the typically over-the-top headline, ‘Lance Bass Hates New York City’), and take some lessons in reading comprehension. Bass’s beef boils down to two points — he says he didn’t say New Yorkers have no style, and he does go to Justin Timberlake’s restaurant. Oh, and he really loves New York!

“New York would like to make the following points: (1) We stand by the interview; Bass was not misquoted. (2) Bass is not quoted as saying New Yorkers have no style — it’s clear that he’s referring to the apartments he looked at. (3) The piece also does not suggest that Bass doesn’t hang out at Justin Timberlake’s restaurant. In fact, it specifically quotes him as saying he goes there. (4) Though Bass’s quote about his dancing ability (”I was the worst dancer in the band”) has not been called into question, we’d like to reiterate that Bass was, indeed, the worst dancer in ‘N Sync. (5) Bass now says he’s going bi-coastal; he never mentioned that to us, but we’re glad to hear it! Welcome to New York, Lance.”

[From New York Magazine]

I don’t think pissing off a bunch of New Yorkers is a good way to get started. I live in New York, and these are scary, scary people. They will kick you in the head as soon as look at you, and if you dare to smile at one, they will glare and snarl “What the fuck is wrong wit chu?” This happened to me yesterday. And last week. And sixteen other times. Now I don’t smile anymore. And I don’t even have some upside-down looking face like Lance Bass, so I can only imagine what could happen to him.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Lance at the I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Premiere on 07/12/2007. Header image of Lance at the Hairspray New York City Premiere on 7/16/2007. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Sometimes good things really do happen in this crazy world. And this is one of them. First watch, and then we’ll mock. I’ll wait.

That’s right, Elijah Wood is teaching us all how to do his favorite dancey dance. Which could not be timed better, because last night as I was lying in bed with incurable insomnia, I asked myself, “Self, what would Elijah Wood look like if he danced?” I was really hoping it involved a skintight yellow shirt and matching yellow shoes, but I didn’t want to get myself so wound up that I couldn’t sleep even more, so I didn’t dare whisper about the yellow shoes.

That’s right, Elijah Wood’s favorite dance is the puppet master. Which is also a super creepy horror film, so it’s good for kids on a lot of levels. I think he used one of Britney Spears’s fired choreographers for this awesome bit of puppetry. Elijah seems way too into his dance, and not in the “I’m-doing-this-because-I-got-three-DUIs-and-I-need-to-do-something-to-help-my-
public-image” way. More in the “I-practice-this-at-home-with-my-pants-off” way.

And I’m sorry but that green striped guy on the left? He’s totally phoning it in.

The best part is when he “goes craaaaaaazy!” and whips out his “I just got kicked out of Roxy” dance moves. This leaves me confused, and with a lot of questions. Is this the kind of thing that kills a career or helps it? Does this mean Elijah Wood is unbalanced, or so ultra-balanced and secure with himself that he’s alright with it? Did he lose a dare, or does the producer of this show (Nickelodeon’s “Yo Gabba Gabba”) have something on Elijah that he’s using to blackmail him? These are the questions that will torment me tonight as I lay awake, trying to fight the insomnia. That and the dancey-dance, and that yellow, yellow shirt.

In the midst of all the recent terrible reports of famous people having a variety of problems with dogs (fighting them, abusing them, them possibly mauling people) coupled with all the recent terrible reports of Britney Spears doing stupid, senseless, and thoughtless things, it’s good to see that the two terrible streaks haven’t joined together: the SPCA has ruled that Spears didn’t hurt her dog London, and was not responsible for the little puppy’s recently broken leg. In fact, she actually took care of it, got it proper medical attention immediately, and has been very cooperative with investigators. If only the same could be said for the way she treats her children.

“The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has exonerated Britney Spears of any supposed mistreatment of her pet Yorkshire terrier. The Los Angeles branch of the animal welfare organization was reportedly alerted last week that pop singer Britney Spears was not taking proper care of her pet Yorkshire terrier.

“‘Access Hollywood’ reported that SPCA received complaints from a number of people who maintained that they had seen the pup with a broken leg. Opinions differed though, with some saying the dog was wearing a cast and others saying it wasn’t. SPCA president Madeline Bernstein confirmed to People magazine that its employees attempted to contact Britney and verify the nature of the complaints. The organization contacted Britney’s veterinarian. He confirmed that London, the terrier, had suffered a mild fracture when someone accidentally stepped on the dog as it made its way into one of Brit’s closets. The veterinarian proved that London had received proper care.

“The SPCA released a statement Monday, confirming the well-being and safety of London. The organization said it ‘has received written confirmation from a veterinarian that Britney Spears’s dog London has received proper medical attention for a leg injury. SPCA LA would like to thank Ms. Spears for her cooperation on this matter as well as members of the public for their ongoing concern for the welfare of animals,” the group said in its statement.”

[From eFluxMedia]

I don’t really like purse dogs, but that terrier is really cute. It’s a shame it will have to live the rest of its life in mortal fear of being stepped on by a drunken blond (or baldie, as the case may be) but at least it can rest easy knowing that it will get medical care, and probably won’t have coffee/juice/soda/alcohol poured into its water dish. Probably. I’m a huge animal lover, so I say this not to offend or belittle their importance, but it really does bother me that Britney can do right by her dog but not by her kids. I can’t wait until Sean Preston and Jayden James can start talking back and giving her some shit. Those two are the result of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline coupling. You know they’re going to have some trashy mouths on them.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s little London, pre-injury. Header image of Lance Britney with fired assistant Shannon Funk and pup. Images thanks to WENN.

It’s almost a year since the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died, and his little girl is wasting no time growing up without him. Now she’s a model for her own range of clothing, Bindi International.

The nine-year-old wildlife warrior was joined on the runway by other young models.

The fashion line is dubbed clothing with a conscience and is designed for newborns to 10-year-olds.

Bindi, whose TV show Bindi the Jungle Girl has been a success in the US, is hoping to help spread her environmental message with the clothes.

The spring/summer 2008 line promotes koala conservation and also features crocodile camouflage prints.

news.com.au

Bindi isn’t the one designing the clothes, and it is nice to see the kid in something that isn’t khaki!

Meanwhile, Bindi is also presenting a documentary on Steve Irwin a year after the death, which is described as an uncomfortable trip through home videos and highlights of the croc-hunter’s life.

Terri Irwin is also rumoured to have found new love in the US tabloids, but this is being denied in Australian tabloids by close family friends.

Here’s what might be the scariest premonition of the future –
Bindi turning into Britney.

There’s a new biography of Clark Gable out, and at first glance I thought it was about Clark Gable:Adult Film Star rather than Clark Gable:Academy Award winning actor. From what I understand the book deals only with Gable’s sexual history.

The author tags virtually everyone who shows up here as straight, gay or bisexual, the majority falling into the latter two categories. Like previous accounts, this one alleges that early in his career Gable was “gay for pay” and for career advancement.

He squired older women, some of them perhaps closet lesbians, and had close personal, possibly sexual relationships with a number of openly gay men. He was, as well, a serial seducer of women.

Bret’s sourcing is unclear throughout; he qualifies most assertions about Gable’s sexuality with phrases like “it could be” and “it was alleged.” As for insight into the star’s films and acting, look for it elsewhere. The author lavishes far more care on the details of Hollywood’s sexual roundelays than on his flat summaries of Gable’s films, including eight unnecessary pages on the plot of “Gone With the Wind.”

Washington Post

Gable also apparently had bad breath and was unable to draw his foreskin back. This obviously didn’t affect his ability to pull the ladies. Or the men.

Fortunately, his bad breath didn’t make Vivian Leigh draw back in horror as he breathed into her face “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Otherwise this classic movie moment just wouldn’t have been so romantic.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Here are a bunch of pictures of Clarke Gable, including some with leading ladies Claudette Colbert (in the header), Vivian Leigh (inset), Myrna Loy (below) and his second third wife and co-star, Carole Lombard, (below) who died tragically in a plane crash. He was married four five times. (Thanks lucielesueur for the correction.)

Now, Mariah Carey giving a publicist-censored interview may not be news, but this is the woman who had this to say about famine.

“When I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

snopes.com

Actually, she didn’t really say it, but I wish she had. Still, describing sleeping as ‘tough’ would have to be up there on the ’strange statements to make’ list.

“It’s a fun record - it’s been my obsession. Look, to me, that I’m able to do what I love for a living is a gift from God. I could be doing something I hate every day. Yes, sometimes it’s tough because I’ve got to sleep 15 hours to sing the way I want to. It’s not easy because my vocal chords are different than most people’s. But that aside, this album has been so much fun because I’m writing with a lot different people but mainly a lot of rappers and I will bring something to the table that they wouldn’t have and vice versa.”

Perez Hilton

Maybe that’s what’s holding me back from singing like a diva, as opposed to like a cat with a stepped on tail. I just need to get 15 hours of sleep a night. How much I would love to get fifteen hours a night. I don’t think I’d find it tough at all.

I wonder if Britney could ever make a comeback like this? Remember when Mariah was a pariah, having made Glitter and the accompanying bad soundtrack? And then suddenly, she was back, number one everywhere and looking damn hot. Britney, you could do this.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Mariah Carey is shown performing on 9/11/06. Thanks to PRPhotos.