You know how people are always debating: Time or Newsweek, which is better? Okay well people are in my home, but we’re a pretty lame bunch. I think the general consensus is that Time is much better and Newsweek is Newslite. But I’ve had a subscription since I was 13. I refuse to give in, and I’m pretty sure I now have concrete evidence that the people over at Time are prissy little wusses. You know why? In honor of Halloween, they decide to print a “Top 25 Horror Movies.” So you’re thinking slashers, maybe a few thrillers, something like that? Nope. Bambi. I kid you not. They can make a bit of an argument that those old Disney movies are creepy as hell, but they can’t make any reasonably intelligent person believe Bambi is in the top 25 ever. What a load of crap.

Amazing that the first movies parents took their tots to in the 30s and 40s were the early Disney features. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Pinocchio, Dumbo all exploited childhood traumas. Parents disappear or die; stepmothers plot the murder of their charges; a boy skips school and turns into a donkey. Kids were so frightened by these films that they wet themselves in terror. Bambi, directed by David Hand, has a primal shock that still haunts oldsters who saw it 40, 50, 65 years ago.

[From Time]

You know it’s funny; the same writers who wrote that also keep a nightlight and a security blanket in their cubicle, just to be safe. Their bosses keep the office kitchen stocked with warm milk in case they get uppity, and often have to burp them after meals. What the hell, you babies! Look I know you work for a powerful publishing conglomerate, but you need to see a top-of-the-line psychotherapist stat. Although if you mention Maleficent, there is a slight chance I’ll wet myself. But I’m smart enough not to tell the whole internet about it. Losers.

Ashley Olsen with designer Marc Jacobs
Technically Ashley Olsen has been legal for a while. She turned 21 this summer, and if she had stayed in college instead of realizing that she was richer than sin and could have all the fun without the commitment of having to prove she learned stuff, she might be graduating now. I shudder to think of the crap I was up to at 21, but I’m married now with a toddler, and being in that situation makes you get nostalgic about near-constant hangovers punctuated by exams and random hookups. That was a long time ago for me, though, and I will probably never relive the chaos and stupidity of those years. Getting wasted and neglecting all responsibility does seem deceptively attractive compared to raising a three year old who screams his head off at the sight of bathwater. Maybe that’s what Whitney Bears is going through now.

Like Whitney, not everyone is willing to undertake the responsibilities that go along with the phase of life they’re supposed to be in. Hooking up with a hot young thing is often a way of reliving a youth that wasn’t that great the first time. Lance Armstrong is older than me at 36, but he still seems too old for Ashley Olsen. As a fit guy under 40, he’s not creepy-old for a 21 year-old, just in-denial old.

Both the NY Post and The Daily News are reporting that Lance and Ashley were all over each at a bar. This doesn’t make me go “ewww” so much as say “why?”

ODD couple alert: Ashley Olsen has a new, older man. The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch’s ex, Lance Armstrong, 36. Our bar spy said, “They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.” Armstrong has been spending more time in town since he bought a home here. Another source said, “He tried to make Tory happy when they were dating by buying a place here, but she couldn’t deal with him not actually living in the same city, so they broke up.” Olsen’s rep didn’t return calls.

[From Page Six]

Lance was most recently dating some woman I’ve never heard of, fashion designer Tory Burch, who has an amazing six children and looks more Lance’s age and speed. He was also with singer Sheryl Crow for over two years following his divorce from the mother of his three children in September, 2003.

Ashley had a 30 year-old long-term boyfriend, Scott Sartiano, until recently, who was already too old for her.

Despite the questionable nature of this new relationship, I’m really glad to see this story today. I was looking for an excuse to publish these excellent pictures of Ashley Olsen’s Halloween costume. So go ahead and make out with guys who are nearly old enough to be your daddy, Ashley. As long as you can come up with inventive and non-slutty costumes like this, you get a pass.

Ashley Olsen is shown at a Halloween party with Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend. Pictures via ONTD.

I go out of my way to be sympathetic towards anyone dealing with severe emotional issues or mental illness. But Heather Mills just gave an interview to Brittan’s GMTV in which she doesn’t come off as very genuine. She throws out that she has been suicidal in a very cavalier way. Most people truly suffering from feelings of extreme depression wouldn’t just toss that out there randomly. The way she says it reeks of attention seeking and is a blatant attempt to get sympathy. I would truly never want to be careless about someone giving a cry for help, but that absolutely does not seem like what Mills was doing.

Heather Mills broke down in tears on Britain’s GMTV on Wednesday, as she addressed her battles with the tabloid press and her ongoing divorce from Paul McCartney. In addition to daily run-ins with the paparazzi, the former Dancing with the Stars hopeful says she has “had it” with unflattering coverage in British papers. (One recent story in The Sun accused her of hosting a massive fireworks display at her home, which allegedly sent a neighbor’s dog into cardiac arrest.)

“Everything they write is complete rubbish,” the ex-model, 39, told the morning news program. “They’ve called me a ‘whore’, a ‘gold-digger,’ a ‘fantasist,’ a ‘liar’ and the most unbelievably hurtful things. … I’ve been so close to suicide.”

In her rambling – and often emotional – tirade, Mills also attacked articles that claim she’s turned down multi-million dollar divorce settlements from the former Beatle. “I’ve been offered nothing, okay? Nothing!” she said, claiming to be nearly $3 million “in debt in lawyers fees. And that’s as much as I can say now, or I go to jail for telling the truth. So I’m gagged at the moment, because I’m not allowed to say a word while the media are fed this spin by a certain corner.” Mills also claims that since her May 2006 split from the music icon, she has received numerous death threats.

[From People]

Mills just seems like she’s freaking out and throwing out whatever she thinks might make people feel badly for her. She’s been absolutely hated in the British press since they day she was first linked to Paul McCartney, and the hatred has only grown worse since the couple split. By most accounts she’s an utterly atrocious person to be around – demanding, rude, controlling, and with an undeserved sense of entitlement. But even given all that, her press coverage is so tyrannical you’d almost feel badly for her – if she didn’t constantly respond and tell everyone how wonderful she is, how hard her life is, and what a freaking miracle the world has received in the form of her gracious presence. Mills goes on to talk a bit more about her reasons for feeling suicidal… and again, they seem pretty disingenuous.

“A certain part of the tabloid media created such a hate campaign against me, that they put my life and my daughter’s life at risk,” she said. “That’s why I considered killing myself because I thought, if I’m dead, she’s safe and she can be with her father. And that’s the truth. I’m sick of it.”

[From People]

See that doesn’t sound like a suicidal thought pattern, that sounds like someone who wants you to feel badly for her. If she really is concerned for her daughter’s welfare, there’s a lot of things she can do – get more security, move, or just keep a lower profile. But a lower profile would mean she couldn’t constantly go on television because she’s all confused about why no one likes her. I really hope (though highly doubt) that she has advisors somewhere that explain to her that throwing out threats like that is pretty dangerous, and could lead to her losing custody of Beatrice.

In 2002 there was a big controversy over tween-sized thong underwear at Abercrombie, the younger division of Abercrombie and Fitch, featuring suggestive phrases such as “Wink Wink” and “Eye Candy.” Now it seems that skanky outfits for young girls aged 9-12 are a much more common and accepted part of American culture. Toys like Bratz and shows like Hannah Montana and High School Musical encourage tweens to embrace consumerism and dress fashionable and sexy

Halloween is no exception, with costumes for the under 13-set getting more sexy and revealing. Outfits that used to be reserved for adult role play are now perfectly acceptable costumes for young girls. Is this too much too soon for young girls, or just a natural progression of dress up? It’s funny when adult women dress as sexy pirates, sexy witches, and sexy devils, but it’s disturbing when 9 year-old girl does it.

There’s a “Yahoo! Answers” question that asks “Do you think Halloween costumes for kids and teenagers are too provocative these days?” My favorite answer comes from shallytally: “Barbie hooker is adorable and teaches commerce at an early age.”

Here are some pictures of the more suggestive outfits. Do you have a daughter around that age and would you let her dress like this? Would she insist on wearing an outfit like this? Sometimes I’m all too glad I have a little boy. It’s sad that kids are being sexualized like this, but if it makes someone money, they’ll figure out a way to create it, even if its not in the best interest of our children.

Thanks to Newsweek for the background and idea for this article. Most of the costumes shown here were mentioned in that article.

Lane Garrison got just about half the maximum sentence for his drunken/drug fueled car crash that killed a teenager last December. He was sentenced to forty months, just about half of the six years and eight months he could have received. He’s been in jail for three months so far and will get credit for time served. If he behaves himself, he could be out in twenty months – not much for killing a person.

Garrison pleaded guilty in May to felony vehicular manslaughter and driving under the influence in the deadly accident that took 17-year-old Vahagn Setian’s life and injured two 15-year-old girls.

Following his plea, Garrison was ordered in August to undergo a 90-day diagnostic stay at the California Institute for Men in Chino.

He completed the psychological evaluation last month and was turned over to Los Angeles County authorities. Since then, he has been incarcerated at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility while awaiting sentencing.

The actor’s legal team had pushed for him to be released on probation, but Superior Court Judge Elden S. Fox felt a stricter penalty was in order.

[From E! News]

Maybe it’s just me – that doesn’t seem like much of a penalty. Several of the articles I’ve read today have stupid titles like “Not much of a prison break for Garrison.” Vehicular manslaughter really should have a higher maximum sentence. I can’t believe they didn’t add some charges for the alcohol/drug aspect of the crime. I’m not sure if this is celebrity justice or just crappy justice that anyone could get, but I really hope terrible things happen to this guy in his cell. Though because he’s famous, he probably will be kept in isolation, so that will make his time feel a hell of a lot longer. And that makes me a little bit happier.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Lane before the crash at the Prison Break - End of Season Screening Party on April 27th, 2006. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Pierce Brosnan never really struck me as one of those actors that would knee you in the crotch if you asked him for an autograph – but then again I’ve never seen a single James Bond movie so I probably just don’t know better. You just closed this story and blocked this site, didn’t you? Just because I don’t know 007? I know the reference, does that help? No? Well I’m writing this while drinking my fifth martini of the morning, if that helps for anything.

It seems like a lot of otherwise fairly nice-seeming celebrities are going a little berserk on the paparazzi lately – and I can’t really blame them. It seems like the paps have really taken the stalking up a notch in the last few years. I can understand that it must be incredibly frustrating to go to dinner with your kid and have 20 people following you and flashing bright lights in your face. Though to be fair, I don’t think Pierce Brosnan gets the Whitney Bears treatment. It’s not like his career is floundering, but I’d say if one or two guys are still following you, buy them a steak. But Brosnan is a little more “punch them in the ribs” than that.

Apparently, Pierce Brosnan likes his shutterbugs shaken and stirred. The erstwhile James Bond is being investigated by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department for purportedly popping a paparazzo last Friday outside a trendy Malibu eatery.

“[Brosnan] is alleged to have committed a battery against a male adult,” said Sheriff’s Dept. spokesman Steve Whitmore. “We’re investigating it, and we’ve taken a report which we’ll refer to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Office for review.” He refused to release further details.

According to TMZ, the photographer in question, Robert Rosen of Ability Films, was reportedly tailing Brosnan and his young son when the incident occurred at about 6:15 p.m. near the entrance to the Casa Escobar Mexican restaurant.

The Website claims the cameraman approached the 54-year-old actor and complimented him on his Bond roles, prompting a tart reply from Brosnan. Eyewitnesses tell TMZ that Brosnan stopped short of using his license to kill, instead allegedly punching Rosen in the ribs. The photographer retaliated with a kick to Brosnan’s stomach before fleeing the scene, the witnesses claim.

[From E! News]

I wonder what this so-called “tart reply” was. Brosnan is British, so the tart reply may literally have been a comment about tarts. I’m guessing apple, but he could have been talking about cherry tarts too. Either way, nothing makes a British man madder than someone insulting tarts. Baked goods must be protected at all costs, and Brosnan would have been less than a man if he didn’t punch the photog in the ribs over it. Yes I know I missed the point. But I’m pretty sure getting punched in the ribs over a tart is about as stupid as getting punched in the ribs over a compliment. So I’m going with the tart on this one.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Pierce and wife Keely Shaye Smith at Sir Elton John’s Madison Square Garden 60th Birthday Concert on March 25th. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Many celebrities have some skeletons in their closets. There’s the secret marriage you had quickly annulled, the dead hooker you threw into the river, and the time you kissed what you thought was a hot girl but was actually your neighbor’s miniature goat. Compared to all those (well documented, I’m sure) skeletons, Jon Bon Jovi selling a little pot back in the day doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it’s not like the guy gets much press anymore, so we’ll give him what he wants and loudly proclaim: Jon Bon Jovi used to be a drug dealer!

Jon Bon Jovi has revealed that he was a drug dealer as a teenager. The rocker, 45, admits he peddled cannabis in New Jersey before he found fame. ‘I did the drug thing very young and wised up very young too, because I was into drugs a little too much,’ he says. ‘I was entrepreneurial even then, buying quarter pounds of dope and trying to make a couple of bucks.’

But Jon insists his bad experience with drugs turned him off becoming a user. ‘Did you ever smoke dope that was laced with PCP and then have that whole summer of hallucinations? It was f*****g awful,’ he tells the Daily Mirror. ‘That’s why I’ve never been a drug guy. I’ve always felt I didn’t have the mental stability.’

[From Now Magazine]

Well Bon Jovi is known for nothing if not his bad hair and enterprising spirit. It’s kind of funny how he manages to make the whole thing sound good. “I sold pot but only because I was a good businessman.” “I didn’t actually use much of the stuff because I’m probably crazy.” Okay that’s not great, but at least it comes off as funny. A lot of celebrities are rather cagey when it comes to drug use, so at least he’s honest about it. That also explains a lot of his music. Not because it’s trippy and cool, it explains why it sucks. And the hair. I’m still upset about the hair. Once Bon Jovi has the testicular fortitude do apologize to America for his Farrah Fawcett hair, I can forgive and move on.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Bon Jovi performing with Enrique Iglesias in Spain on June 23rd. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t exactly been ingratiating himself with the writers at Celebitchy lately. First his wife appeared to have plagiarized a lot of her new cookbook from former publisher of Eating Well magazine Missy Chase Lapine. That’s probably not Jerry’s fault, but we’re going to call him guilty by association. Then he mentioned that he spent some time studying Scientology, and talked about its good points. That’s like saying Hell isn’t really all that hot, just comfortably balmy. Finally on Monday night Seinfeld was on Letterman, where he called Lapine “a wacko.” As far as I know, Lapine hadn’t even commented publicly on the controversy at that point – and Seinfeld tried to make it sound like she was the one drumming it up. Considering how blatant the plagiarism appears to be, the Seinfelds should be apologizing right and left, and their publisher should have considered pulling the book in an attempt to avoid litigation. So Jerry Seinfeld has tried to smooth over one of the controversies – though I’m not sure it’s the one he should most apologize for. He explained his Scientology dabbling to “Access Hollywood” and wrote it off, saying he was flittering from one thing to the other at the time.

Among their topics of conversation? The stir Seinfeld recently caused when he revealed he’d dabbled in Scientology. “I did some Scientology courses about 30 years ago,” Jerry told Billy. “The only thing that bothers me about people knowing that is that it is not my complete wacko resume. It’s just one aspect! I am very interested in self help things,” Jerry continued. “When I was a young man in my 20s I would explore like meditation, and I studied Aikido and karate and yoga and I would just take little things from each of these things.”

“But everyone else takes from yoga and Aikido and all those things, but Scientology has this stigma around it. And you say it was very helpful?” Bush asked. “Yeah, well I didn’t do very much. I don’t know that much, I just did a little but I liked it,” Seinfeld said. “Why did you stop?” Bush asked. “I don’t know… I was kind of flitting from thing to thing. I was interested in exploring,” Seinfeld noted.

[From MSNBC]

I guess that actually does make some sense. Seinfeld was pretty vague about his reasons, but I think a lot of us flitter from thing to thing in our twenties. I learned about lots of religions trying to figure out which one made sense, and did read up on Scientology. Of course that’s also when I realized it was one of the craziest messes of nonsense I’d ever encountered. But their literature had to be some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time. I’m telling you, Dave Barry has nothing on L. Ron Hubbard.

In other Seinfeld “Vegetable Plagiarism” news, Missy Chase Lepine and her publisher, Running Press, did respond to Seinfeld’s comments on Letterman.

“As the publisher of The Sneaky Chef we are troubled that a celebrity of Jerry Seinfeld’s stature chose to go on the Late Show with David Letterman last night and personally attack the book’s author, Missy Chase Lapine.

This controversy arose out of concerns expressed by parents on message boards who noticed that the recent book by Jessica Seinfeld is similar to The Sneaky Chef which was published 6 months earlier. Neither we nor our author have publicly accused anyone of anything.”

Statement of Missy Chase Lapine, author of The Sneaky Chef:

“It was painful to be called names on national TV when I am just a mom who wrote a cookbook to help parents get their kids to eat well.”

[From PRNewswire]

I think the Seinfelds are starting to look pretty low-class, and their timing couldn’t be worse. Promoting Jerry’s first movie and Jessica’s first book seems like a bad time to take the low road.

Picture note by Jaybird: Header image of Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld at the “Bee Movie” Los Angeles Premiere on October 28th. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Who knew Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were so cute and old fashioned? The couple has proudly announced that they’re not moving in together until they get married… and what’s sweeter than that? I’m guessing it’s actually a ploy on Murphy’s part – it’s harder for Edmonds to leave him – which she’ll no doubt want to once she see that he runs his house like Captain Von Trapp – once they’re legally bound to one another. Not impossible, but definitely a bit more of a challenge. Murphy has been busy not acknowledging his daughter with Melanie Brown, and instead buying Edmonds an 8 carat engagement ring. Because why pay child support when you can have a giant, tacky piece of jewelry that takes two hands to lift? Ah, carpel tunnel, the gift that keeps on giving.

In a showbiz world of lightning-fast engagements, marriages and breakups, Tracey Edmonds and Eddie Murphy are taking it slow. “We haven’t moved in together yet. We’re waiting until we get married,” Edmonds told PEOPLE on Tuesday night at a launch party in Encino, Calif., for the new book Daughters of Men: Portraits of African American Women.

Edmonds, 40, and Murphy, 46, who got engaged in July, have been coy about a wedding date, and Edmonds reiterated on Tuesday, “I’ll just say it’s coming soon.” When they do move in together, it’ll be a busy house. Edmonds has two boys, and Murphy has five children with ex-wife Nicole Murphy and one with Spice Girl Melanie Brown. “I think it’s going to be fun for my kids, because it’s [been] just the three of us. If you come to my house, it’s very peaceful, very quiet, and I think it’s going to be fun for them to have other brothers and sisters to play with,” Edmonds says.

“The great thing is Eddie’s got beautiful, wonderful, smart, great children, and he’s a great father, so we’ve had a chance to all kind of spend a bit of time together.”

[From People]

Well to be fair, great fathers are known for refusing to even meet their new children. Tracey Edmonds makes me ill. She’s got that perpetual “deer caught in the headlights” expression and is so Pollyannaish. Considering how controlling and borderline tyrannical Eddie Murphy is supposed to be, they probably are actually a pretty good team. Now the whole “liking transvestites” thing might get in the way – but I’m sure Tracey can find a happy little excuse for that, too.

Paula Abdul dumped her boyfriend of 5-months, J.T. Torregiani. [Dlisted]
Seen on the Scene: Nia Long and Kelly Rowland [Bossip]
Lovely Bones Redux [Pajiba]
Britney Spears talks… she should probably do that less [Celebslam]
Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson Are Doing It [Yeeeah!]
Jessica Biel At The Screening Of Darfur Now [I'm Not Obsessed]
Luisana Lopilato has something in her teeth [The Bastardly]
Daniel Craig will continue to be James Bond [In Case You Didn't Know]
Britney Spears Candid Photos Leaked (Site NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
Angelina Jolie’s arms are even scarier than I remembered [Hollywood Rag]
Playmates show you how to do a breast exam for breast cancer month… because I’m sure a lot of women are watching [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
An Alan Cumming Retrospective [Agent Bedhead]
Jennifer Lopez’s career is doing great [The Blemish]
Suri might grow up to look like this… [CityRag]
Random Celeb Photos [Crazy Days and Nights]
Is Paris Worth All the Cash? I’m going to go with… no. [Popsugar]
Mila Kunis at ‘Family Guy’s‘ 100th episode party [The Grumpiest]
Josh Duhamel Desires Fergie Baby, Doggie Style [CelebNewsWire]
Another Failed Rehab Attempt for Hania Barton [Evil Beet]
Gwen Stefani pledged all proceeds from her San Diego performance to CA wildfire victims [Gabsmash]
Eva Herzigova has Better Genes Than You [Celebwarship]
What Is Joss Stone Wearing? [Glitterati Gossip]
Victoria Beckham & Romeo At The Pumpkin Patch [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
Rosie O’Donnell stops by Martha Stewart’s show - in full costume no less [Popbytes]
The Lohans Pretend to Be a Family [A Socialite's Life]
Zac Efron is a Ponytail Pin-Up Boy… but that’s nothing surprising [Just Jared]
Another day, another Sienna Miller Nipple Slip [Egotastic!]
Ellen DeGeneres dresses up at a pregnant J-Lo for Halloween [Lifeline Live]
The 10 Worst Morning Show Halloween Costumes [Best Week Ever]