Kim Kardashian would like to believe that the rest of the world is as obscenely dumb as she is. Luckily, that’s only true about half the time. Kim’s gotten a lot of heat for carrying around an ass that’s as big as her boobs. Truly, it’s a size generally not seen in nature. But Kim has religiously insisted that her ass as au natural. And exactly what expensive, exotic beauty potion did she use to grow such an ass? Apparently it’s Britney Spears’ favorite tonic: Cheetos and deep fried Oreo cookies. As a result, Kim – who is known to shun publicity and rarely talks to magazines unless it’s about really, really important stuff – took some time out of her demanding schedule to inform People magazine that she’s eating better from now on. No word on what her ass thinks of this plan.

“I figured just eating well would help me lose five pounds or so,” Kardashian, 27, tells PEOPLE, admitting that three months into the New Year, her diet isn’t getting any better. “It’s so hard to eat well because I love so many unhealthy foods. I just can’t stop eating junk. It’s awful!” Kardashian… lamented a disastrous trip to the International House of Pancakes earlier in the afternoon. “I decided not to have pancakes, because those aren’t good for me and I didn’t want the carbs. So what did I get? Chicken strips. I knew they were bad for me, but they were worth it.”

For now, Kardashian is relying on exercise to keep her figure. “I’ve got a personal trainer who keeps me active,” she says. “I work my butt and legs just about every day, and I do cardio to burn fat. I’ve actually started videotaping my workouts so I can do them on the road. I’m going to start selling the videos soon on my Web site so that others can do the same workout that I do. They’re short videos, but if you do them one right after the other, it’s a really good workout.”

[From People]

Boy whoever implied that Kim Kardashian was dull as a box of rocks (me) sure was wrong. If that girl’s smart enough to go to IHOP while supposedly trying to eat healthy – and substitutes the chicken strips for the pancakes – clearly she’s a hell of a lot smarter than we thought. And if she’s savvy enough to call People and tell them about it, the girl clearly knows something about sophisticated press coverage. But good to know her infamous ass – which looks like two globes locked in some kind of morbid embrace – is due to chicken strips and her religious but butt/leg workout. And not implants. Because Kim’s too smart to put silicone in her ass.

Here’s a few classic Kardashian ass shots, along with this most recent picture of Kim – while somehow not showing her ass, which defies the very laws of physics – it’s way too funny. Her expression tells me she’s just realized this light bulb is smarter than she is. Here’s Kim “doing a spot of shopping and pops into the Beverly Hills Nail Spa to get her nails done,” on March 26th. Head image thanks to Splash.

Though Madonna and Britney Spears don’t seem to be on BFF terms like they used to be back in the day when they would tongue each other on national television, Madonna is still clearly on Brit’s side. Even though she worked with Brit’s ex, Justin Timberlake (and my eye doctor is 100% sure that they’re hooking up) Madonna has finally commented on the media hype surrounding Britney. Last week she was widely quoted as saying, “Let’s go save her!” about Britney. At the time I thought she might have been saying it sarcastically, since every celeb seems to feel the need to jump on the “Let’s talk about how we’re going to rescue Britney” bandwagon. But it’s clear Madonna has genuine sympathy for Britney, even if the popwreck doesn’t sport her Kabbalah string on her wrist anymore. Madonna is doing a lot of press for the upcoming release of her new album “Hard Candy.” She’s on the cover of the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, and talks about the media’s unfair treatment of Britney Spears in the story.

“When you think about the way people treat each other in Africa, about witchcraft and people inflicting cruelty and pain on each other, then come back here and, you know, people taking pictures of people when they’re in their homes, being taken to hospitals, or suffering, and selling them, getting energy from them, that’s a terrible infliction of cruelty. So who’s worse off?” she asked.

[From Us Magazine]

Boy was that one charmingly convoluted quote. I wasn’t under the impression that witchcraft was the biggest problem in Africa right now, but maybe I’m just hopelessly out of touch on the dark arts. In a weird way, it seems like Madonna is comparing the struggles faced by many Africans to those faced by Britney Spears. And I would never say that Britney’s got it easy right now… but that still seems like a bit of a leap to me. And if witchcraft really is a big problem in Africa… something tells me it’s worse than having paparazzi snapping your picture everywhere you go. I mean I’m sure that’s a pain to deal with and you couldn’t pay me enough to endure that… but I’d probably pick it over “cruelty and pain” and such. Or even over a really bad hex. You can probably figure a way to profit from the paparazzi, but I don’t think you’re going to find many advantages to someone putting a curse on you. Best case scenario, nothing happens. Worst case, you find yourself morphed into a cow from your waist on down. I would definitely rather be Britney Spears than a half-cow. And considering how confusing her quote was, I think that’s what Madonna was really getting at.

Here’s Madonna in the upcoming Vanity Fair.

Audrina Patridge, 22, the lesser-known female from the trio on MTV faux reality show “The Hills,” has released more topless photos of herself. While she hasn’t commented on the latest photos, they’re new posed photos of her topless, so she doesn’t really need to explain that she wanted more publicity. They’re more like something you would see in FHM than Playboy, and maybe she thought her last set of topless photos taken three years ago were just a little bit porny and she wanted to show us that she’s capable of more subtle sexuality. She called the release of her first photos a “lesson learned,” and explained her involvement by saying she was “very trusting of others and… didn’t know to protect myself.” She probably thought that she didn’t know how to pose well either.

Audrina continues to deny that she leaked the first photos herself, saying “They were intended for my personal use and portfolio only. I never imagined they would come out.” She also suggested that the photographer betrayed her.

Audrina’s second set of photos, which are about as provocative as you would see in a non-nude men’s magazine, were released through the same photo agency that somehow had dibs on her earlier pictures. Star Magazine reported this week that those pictures were taken by a female photographer friend of Audrina’s at the home of an older rich friend of the photographer’s. Audrina sent them to Playboy magazine before she became semi-famous and never heard back so it’s not like she can claim innocence in the matter even if she didn’t intend for them to be released at this point.

On Friday night Audrina introduced the burlesque troop “The Pussycat Dolls” in Las Vegas. She claimed ahead of time that “I’m not going to be in the Pussycat Dolls. I don’t know where that came from. I’m going to introduce them one night and that’s it.” SFGate reported that she meant that she wasn’t going to wear a sexy outfit and perform with them on stage like Paris Hilton did, but that wasn’t exactly true. She was seen wearing two different barely-there outfits when she introduced them.Fox News notes that there wouldn’t have been as much interest in Audrina’s appearance with The Dolls if those nude photos hadn’t come out ahead of time. Maybe she should have spaced out the release of her latest pics until at least the end of the week. It’s possible though that given how quick the news cycle is she just wanted to take advantage of her fleeing fame while she can.

Audrina is shown “introducing” The Pussycat Dolls. The new topless photos of her are at TMZ.

What is it with Sex and The City hottie Jason Lewis? It’s like the gossip rags link him with whichever single woman they want to talk about that week. He was supposed to have been living with Jennifer Aniston late last year despite the fact that they were rarely spotted together. The unreliable source for the story that Aniston and Lewis were living together, Star Magazine, is now reporting that Lewis, 36, has moved on to cougar Teri Hatcher, 43.

Take this with a shot of the very strong liquor you would need if you were Jason Lewis to create beer goggles strong enough to find Teri Hatcher bangable. The sightings of the two do add an air of credibility to this otherwise questionable story:

[Jason Lewis] is now quietly dating Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher, 43. The couple was spotted hiking together on the trails near Beverly Hills’ Coldwater Canyon park in early March and “acted like teenagers in love,” an eyewitness tells Star. Later, the two “were smiling” over eggs at the Glen Deli.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, April 7, 2008]

In related news, Teri Hatcher has denied reports that her wonky face is the result of plastic surgery and claims to never even have had botox. She said “I think I might be the only person left in Hollywood who has nothing fake about her. I could do Botox once and look younger but, to me, it feels like getting on a hamster wheel. Once you get onto it you have to stay on it and keep pedalling. I’d rather gracefully mature into an older-looking woman.” This quote was reported recently without a date, and it’s possible it’s something she said a while ago, but it’s new to me, as is the news that Jason Lewis would find her attractive. He does have that deer in the headlights look and maybe he appreciates natural beauty.

Jason Lewis is shown on 2/10/08 at the Global Green pre-Oscar party. Teri Hatcher is shown on 2/9/08 at the Keep Memory Alive “Power of Love Gala,” thanks to WENN and PRPhotos.

Update: I know this post is not my typical style, and is particularly harsh to Hatcher. She is not my favorite person, and there are times when I want to go off on celebrities but hold back, but obviously I didn’t here. No offense was meant against women who age naturally and you guys are right that this was rude and that she is naturally decent looking.

Kathie Lee Gifford: the return. She’s joining the “Today” show as a regular [Yeeeah!]
The jury in the inquest of Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel rules his death an accident [Crazy Days and Nights]
Paris Hilton eats pavement in Prague… we feel badly for laughing. Really. [Dlisted]
Sean Levert, son of O’Jays lead singer Eddie Levert, was found dead in a Cleveland, Ohio, jail over the weekend. He was being held for failing to pay $80,000 in child support [Bossip]
Demi Moore’s Flawless is “a slow-moving, burn-your-hand engrossing heist film” [Pajiba]
Goldie Hawn snapped without makeup… everyone’s chastising her for looking old and terrible. I think she looks like a normal woman who’s in her sixties [Celebslam]
Holy crap. Simon Cowell Buys Leona Lewis A Mansion. I hate him a lot less now. [I’m Not Obsessed]
Vanessa Carlton wearing a dress straight from the Beverly Hills 90210 senior prom episode at the “Shine A Light” Premiere in NYC [The Bastardly]
Jennifer Aniston - whose family name is really Anastassakis - plans to rediscover her Greek heritage with a trip to the country this summer. [In Case You Didn’t Know]
Those rumors about Leann Rimes’ Husband Dean Sheremet just won’t go away (Site NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
Supermodel and “America’s Next Top Model” host Janice Dickinson poses in a bikini at the pool during her holiday in Hawaii. It could be worse [Hollywood Rag]
Remember Vanilla Ice? He’s still performing and loving the ladies. You know, ’cause he’s cool as ice [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
Not surprisingly, you won’t be seeing Ashlee Simpson performing singles from her new CD on Saturday Night Live anytime soon [Agent Bedhead]
Sean “Diddy” Combs can’t get no love from People Magazine. They gave his kids’ pictures “lousy placement” in the mag when they were born, and said that he’s “unable to leap into the actresses’ ring of fire” in “Raisin in the Sun.” [The Blemish]
The original stuffed animals that inspired A.A. Milne’s tales of Winnie The Pooh apparently reside in New York City - and they’re being kicked out of their digs to make way for a new Orient-Express Hotel. Pretty soon they’ll end up in Brooklyn like the rest of us. [CityRag]
Steve Martin and Diane Keaton May Reunite for Comedy. Hopefully not Father of the Bride III [Popsugar]
Ed Burns & daughter Grace shopping on Bleecker Street in Manhattan [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
If you’re a guy, and you think Madonna is attractive, congratulations. You just came out of the closet. She is one beefy lady [WWTDD]
Janet Jackson and her freakishly cinched belt [Websters is my Bitch]
David Beckham and a friend at the Laker game yesterday. All I can say is, yums. [Lainey Gossip]
Tabloids are claiming that Ashlee Simpson is “wasting away”. And it’s kinda looking like they are right [The Skinny Website]
George Bush got booed at the Washington Nationals first game of the season [Derek Hail]
Bjork Is Still Keeping It Surreal [Best Week Ever]
Finally, celebrity beauty secrets revealed: Leeches and Urine Youth Beauty Serum! [The Circus Hour]
Moby is trying to sell his four-story El Dorado penthouse in Manhattan’s Central Park West neighborhood, but nobody’s willing to fork over the $7.5 million needed to buy it [Mollygood]
The ladies of The View pounce on “The King of All Pimps” Jason Itzler [Jezebel]

Jessica Simpson probably hasn’t mastered the “always pee after sex” rule for women. She is currently hospitalized with a minor kidney infection.

Jessica Simpson is at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles due to a small kidney infection, In Touch can exclusively reveal. “She checked in on Friday morning because she was feeling achy and had a fever,” a friend of the family confirmed. Jessica was kept over the weekend for observations and is expected to be released Tuesday morning. “She is doing fine, but she is ready to get out of there,” added the friend. And although Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys QB, Tony Romo wanted to be by her side, he had prior commitments in Dallas. Get well soon , Jess!

[From In Touch]

I was plagued with urinary tract infections throughout my 20s so I have some sympathy for her. For self-treatment I used to go to the health food store and buy a couple of large jugs of unsweetened cranberry juice and try to drink them within a few hours. It was acidic and nasty, but would usually help. There’s also something called D-Mannose which is supposed to be a safe and effective natural treatment for urinary tract infections and should be available at health food stores.

I was going to comment that Jessica Simpson’s condition makes it clear that her relationship with Tony Romo is on hot terms and felt kind of guilty about it, but then I did five minutes of research and found that’s probably the case, medically-speaking:

In general, however, it is the physical act of intercourse itself that produces conditions that increase susceptibility to the UTI bacteria, with some factors increasing the risk:

Women having sex for the first time or who have intense and frequent sex after a period of abstinence are at risk for a condition called “honeymoon cystitis.”

A sudden increase in the frequency of sexual intercourse poses a significant risk for UTI, particularly if a diaphragm is used.

Sexual position (such as the woman on top) can contribute to the risk.

[From University of Maryland Medical Center]

So all that rabid sex that marks the beginning of a relationship can also come at a cost for women.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are shown at the Waverly Inn on 3/4/08, thanks to Splash News.

I’ve always been really surprised that there wasn’t more drama between twin sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I can’t imagine any sisters that don’t argue - I can only wonder how hard it would be to run a multi-million dollar business empire with your twin. The 21-year-olds have spent more time apart in the last few years and have been photographed actually hanging out with people besides each other. However their business interests have remained almost entirely intertwined. While it seems like the two have been nearly joined at the hip, apparently there’s been some trouble between them, and they’ve been fighting over business and real estate decisions.

“They’ve finally had enough of each other,” says a friend. “They just don’t see eye-to-eye anymore and are tired of constantly butting heads.” Now friends say the rift between the twins seems to be growing bigger by the day. “Ashley isn’t an angel, but she’s tired of having to take care of Mary-Kate,” says the friend. “One second Mary-Kate is maniacally happy, and the next she’s sobbing. Her mood swings are dragging Mary-Kate down, and finally, Ashley’s decided she doesn’t want to go down with her.”

But no matter how they feel, the twins can’t simply ignore each other, sources say. At stake is their $100 million personal fortune - also a bone of contention between the squabbling sisters, say the insider. “Ashley’s been considering separating their assets and trusts and getting her own business manger,” the insider says.

[From Star, April 7 2008, print edition]

The Enquirer also has a similar story, saying the pair are fighting over the company and have deep-seated resentments towards one another. Apparently Mary-Kate feels Ashley manipulated her into making bad business decisions, and regrets the twins’ choice to cut their parents out of their company Dualstar.

And one of the biggest rifts between the sisters centers on their decision to “fire” their parents - David and Jarnette, who are divorced - when they took charge [of Dualstar]. Although they both agreed to the move at the time, Mary-Kate now blames Ashley for pushing her into it, says a family insider.

Mary-Kate went along with the firing in part because she was angry that her family forced her into Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab in June of 2004 to get treatment for an eating disorder. “Mary-Kate had some real issues with the family after they put her in rehab. But now she feels like that may have colored her decision to cut them out of Dualstar. Mary-Kate now regrets her decision — on the other hand, Ashley thinks it was the right move. That’s what Mary-Kate and Ashley mainly fight about.”

[From the National Enquirer, April 7 2008, print edition]

Neither magazine says if the girls’ parents are still speaking with them, though the Enquirer notes that their dad and stepmom have publicly criticized the way they’ve run Dualstar since firing their parents. Both articles are a great example of exactly why it’s not a good idea to mix business and family. Some manage to pull it off with amazing success, but it sounds like the Olsens are starting to unravel a bit. They also bickered about the sale of their Manhattan apartment – whether to sell it, and then for how much. Their identities have always been so wrapped up in each other – at least publicly – that it seems inevitable that they’d eventually want to carve out their own niche in the world. The fighting seems sort of unavoidable to me. It seems like Ashley’s idea to separate their finances could be a really good thing, and then they could try just being sisters instead of business partners.

Here are Mary-Kate and Ashley with Karl Lagerfeld and with Mario Testino and Claudia Schiffer at the Chanel Fashion show, during Paris Fashion Week Fall-Winter 2008-2009 ready to wear collection, at the Grand Palais in Paris on March 8th. Images thanks to Splash.