There are only two things I find more terrifying than the Lohans’ grip on reality: Britney Spears’ reality and Paris Hilton’s reality. That’s it. So the thought of such a horror coming to my television screen is truly beyond my comprehension. “Living Lohan” will grace your living rooms this summer, and give you a unique insight into the lives of mom Dina and younger sister Ali Lohan. Dina is seemingly done pimping Lindsay, and has moved on to her youngest child. Thank you, E! for inventing ever-increasing forms of torture for the American public.

“Viewers will go inside the Lohan’s Long Island home for the first time to follow Dina as she works double duty as mom and manager to help Ali try to follow in her big sister [Lindsay’s] famous footsteps,” a press release for the show says. Cameras will also follow the duo to Vegas as Ali records an album. “Dina is determined to help each of her four kids fulfill their dreams and refuses to live in fear of what others may think, despite being under the paparazzi microscope,” the press release adds.

Ali has made it clear she craves fame. “I want it so bad. So bad you don’t even know. And now, it’s actually happening,” she told Teen Vogue this month. “I’ve already been asked for my autograph, and it’s just a really good feeling to have.”

[From Us Magazine]

It sounds like young Ali has really been raised with some great values since the only thing she ever talks about is wanting to be famous like Lindsay. Who is famous for her partying, drinking, drugging, bad attitude, poor work ethic, and bad acting. Seriously, Lohans haven’t your messed up enough kids? Do you really need to teach another one about nothing but fame and show business? Though the press release claims Dina doesn’t care what others may think, it’s pretty clear that she does. She’s always firing back at people who criticize Lindsay or Dina’s parenting, instead of stopping to think, “Hey, if I’m such a crap-ass parent that even strangers can tell, maybe I should change something and not suck so much.” Okay I realize the odds of that ever occurring to any bad parent are pretty slim, but the thought still makes me deliciously happy. Expect a press release detailing Ali’s drug-induced downfall in the next six weeks. And a retaliation by Dina noting what an awesome mom she is.

Here are the Lohan women at the Prairie Home Companion premiere on 6/4/06 . Images thanks to PR Photos.

It was a bevy of Jessica Simpson lovers yesterday at Cipriani’s last night as Cosmopolitan magazine “honored” John Mayer as its “Fun Fearless Male of the Year.” That title always makes me giggle. Somehow the phrasing would work a lot better for women than men. While ex-Jessica Simpson lover John took home the crown (I’m 90 percent sure it’s a crown instead of a trophy or plaque), he also got to mingle with current Simpson flame Tony Romo. Ironically, ex-Simpson husband Nick Lachey was the Fun Fearless Male last year. So apparently dating Jessica Simpson means you have no fear. I’m not sure how the fun plays in there.

Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson’s ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Employee of the Month co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her.

Last year, Simpson’s ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony. “We know the common thread,” comedian Cook said on the red carpet, acknowledging the Simpson connection. “We realize.” Simpson’s beaus, past and present, took it all in stride and were good-natured about the whole affair. Romo walked the carpet without his girlfriend, and in accepting his award, he said he had been asked whether he was, in fact, fun and fearless. “If you date Jessica Simpson, I guess you are,” he joked.

MySpace co-founder Tom Anderson couldn’t resist weighing in as he accepted his honor. “I think I might have a chance with Jessica too after today,” he joked, noting Simpson had signed on to perform at Operation MySpace, a concert being held in Kuwait for U.S. troops and streaming live on My-Space starting at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT Monday.

“I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I’m honored,” said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.

[From USA Today]

“The Office’s” John Krasinski (or as I like to call him, the future Mr. JayBird) was also a contender for the prize, and has apparently hasn’t dated Jessica Simpson according to my extensive internet research. I just happened to be on one of his fan sites… never mind, moving on. The other nominees were Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni, “Brothers & Sisters’” Dave Annable and “Dirty Sexy Money’s” Peter Krause.

Here are Common, Dave Salmoni, John Krasinski, Dave Annable , John Mayer, Dane Cook, Peter Krause, Tom Anderson, and Tony Romo. Images thanks to PR Photos.

I always wondered what happens to the players in a celebrity sex scandal. The celebrity usually gets to continue on with their career unabated. For the non-celeb partner in the scandal, it can often lead to new and exciting opportunities.

Take Rebecca Loos, for example. She’s had a sordid affair with David Beckham, while he was away from his wife and children in Spain. Using her new found notoriety, she appeared on a few celebrity television shows, most notably The Farm, where she masturbated a pig for some reason. Just to embarrass us all, I suspect. She also had a fake marriage to Jenny Shimizu, who is noted for her claimed relationships with Angelina Jolie and Madonna.

She’s basically slept with someone famous, and built her own small level of fame from it. Now, she’s using that to catapult her new single into the charts, or try to. You can listen to her song below. She ‘sings’ along to some irritating effects, saying “Can you tell me if your boyfriends in? Tell him I’ve got something for him. Cos I know he’s waiting for me. That’s the way it’s gonna be.”

I can’t imagine why she’d want to use her affair with David Beckham to promote herself. If I had an affair with a married man, who didn’t leave his wife (they never do), I would be so embarrassed. I would be ashamed to tell my friends, let alone sell the story to the tabloids.

Marie Claire last April featured a story titled Kiss and Sell, detailing what happens to the non-celeb half of a celebrity sex scandal when the story is over. Lisa Robertson, the flight attendant who had relations with Ralph Fiennes on an international flight while on duty, was fired from her job as a stewardess and revealed as a prostitute to her family. She was fired from the brothel that she worked at also.

Daisy Wright, who was Jude Law’s nanny before becoming something a little more meaningful, now lives away from her homeland of England and finds it hard to get work. She still works as a nanny.

I guess all this shows that while you might make some good money from selling your story, in the long term it might not be the best move you can make for your career.

Note by Celebitchy: Here’s Rebecca Loos’ song. It made me lol several times.

Rebecca Loos is shown at the You, Me and Dupree London premiere on 8/22/06, thanks to PRPhotos.

Whitney Houston’s comeback is one step closer – she’s being paid £1.4 million, or $2.78 million USD, for an hour long performance for charity. That’s $46,333 a minute!

The troubled star has been lined up by billionaire philanthropist John Caudwell to give a rare one-hour performance at the Cauldwell Children Legends Ball at London’s Battersea Evolution arena on May 8.

A source said: “Mr. Caudwell thinks it is important to raise the profile of the Cauldwell Children charity and stars such as Whitney Houston are the sort of people he’s hoping to attract.”

Whitney - who has battled an addiction to drink and drugs - has made few public appearances in recent years and also has a reputation for failing to turn up for shows.

Sydney Morning Herald

That is a huge amount of money for a one hour performance, couldn’t they get her to play a full set? The reason for paying Whitney to perform, instead of just giving the money to the charity, is to raise the profile of the children’s charity.

Whitney last performed in Malaysia in December, and she also put an appearance in at the Grammy’s, but a new album is in the works, her first since 2003’s Christmas album. Whitney was, in case you can’t remember, a huge star, most notable for the easy listening radio staple ‘I Will Always Love You.’ Both she and then-husband Bobby Brown did drugs, he was arrested for DUI and violence, there were rumors of infidelity and finally they divorced in 2006 .

Whitney apparently has a comeback planned for 2008, and I’m ambivalent at best about it. Does she really need to make a comeback? I’m guessing not all of her cash went up her nose, why doesn’t she sit back and relax, she’s in her 40s now. Do you know how much most people would love to retire in their 40s? Why do celebrities need to make comebacks? Get a hobby, spend some of your hard earned cash on a nice place in the country, and just relax, you don’t actually have to be in the public eye for your whole life.

Note by Celebitchy: If someone paid me more than 4 figures to show up somewhere for an hour I would come out of retirement for it. Who wouldn’t do a one hour gig for $2.78 million?

Whitney Houston is shown at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party on 2/9/08, thanks to PRPhotos. She looks gorgeous! She needs to hide her boobs a little better, though. Her implants need some fixing.

Comedian Lewis Black has a new television show coming on Comedy Central called “Lewis Black’s The Root of All Evil.” It premieres next Wednesday, March 12 at 10:30 p.m. As part of the promotion for the show, he recorded a couple of clips that are on YouTube.

The first one below where he rants on Angelina Jolie made me laugh so hard. I’m not agreeing with what he says, and I know this will open up a comment shitstorm as does any post that even mentions her name, but this was too funny to pass up. His delivery is the best.

Lewis Black on Angelina Jolie

Here’s the transcript in case you can’t listen at work:
“I guess I was the last to hear. Angelina Jolie’s gonna have twins. How exciting is that? You know where? France, she’s gonna have her babies in France. The last baby, she had in Namibia Africa, and as you all know, she grabbed babies from everywhere. She’s like the Johnny Appleseed of maternity. You know if she’s not squirting out a baby in some country, she’s stealing one from another one.” [Transcribed from video above]

I read the “Angelina is delivering in France” story somewhere in last week’s tabloids and it struck me as total bullshit. Then the British press picked it up and didn’t source it. I never bought the news that she was going to Africa until it actually happened, though, so who knows what’s true. Either way, Black is quite talented at summing up many people’s assessment of Jolie. (Again, not that we agree with him or that he’s being serious. It doesn’t matter though because the people who are going to comment with vitriol aren’t going to read this shit anyway.)

Black also recorded another clip that’s a parody of Chris Crocker’s “Leave Britney Alone” tearfest. It’s called “Leave Mike Huckabee Alone!” (Mike Huckabee is the former governor of Arkansas and ran as a Republican candidate for the US presidential election. He ended his campaign yesterday after losing most primaries to John McCain. He believes in creationism, and has made a lot of controversial statements that have drawn criticism, including equating gay marriage with pedophilia and bestiality.)

And here are some older clips from Black’s comedy routines.

On Starbucks proliferation:

On candy corn. It’s funny as hell. I love candy corn, but it’s one of those things you either love or hate:

Black doesn’t shy away from heated political topics as well as hysterical commentary on mundane things. In his HBO special last year, “Red, White, and Screwed,” he talked about how inappropriate it was that Bush told veterans who were amputees about a minor injury he sustained while cutting down a tree, saying “I believe that if you are the president, you should know where you are in the time space continuum.” He also covered religion, and lambasted Bush’s belief in creationism. His rant on hunting is hysterical. He said that “going quail hunting is like saying ‘I’m going fishing’ and going to a goldfish bowl.”

(Note: The PR people for this show sent me the clip, but have not sponsored us in any way. I just love Lewis Black.)

Nicole Richie praised her baby daddy’s twin brother in her People interview, and revealed that Benji Madden is always willing to babysit her now seven week-old daughter, Harlow. Nicole also said that Harlow smiled for the first time at her uncle. According to ever-reliable Star Magazine, Benji is more of a nuisance than a help, and Nicole and Joel are said to have set him up with Paris in order to get him out of their house.

A source tells Star the 28-year-old Good Charlotte guitarist has holed up in his Glendale, California home, which he shares with his twin brother, Joel. Joe’s fiancée, Nicole Richie, and their new baby, Harlow. As a result, he “barges in on them all the time,” says the source. “Nicole insists that Joel lock their bedroom door at night because she’s afraid of Benji walking in on them.” The new arrangement is driving Joel and Nicole so crazy that they’re trying to set Benji up, adds the source!

[From Star Magazine, print edition, March 10, 2008]

According to Nicole’s People interview, Benji lives down the street, not in the same house, but he’s probably over there all the time. Who knows if this is true, but considering that Benji is with Paris now someone has to have a problem with him if they didn’t at least warn him against hooking up with her.

Benji’s ex girlfriend Sophie Monk spoke out earlier this week about rumors that the rocker left her for the heirhead. She wished her ex well, and made it clear that their breakup was mutual:

“Benji and I did not break up badly or anything like that. We both decided, as adults, our relationship had run its course and decided to move on.”

She also said: “I feel no animosity towards Benji and Paris at all and am very happy with life at the moment.”

[From RTE.ie]

How embarrassing it must be to see your ex cavorting around with Paris Hilton in “notice me!” lookalike clothing. These two immediately hit all the paparazzi targets to let the world know they were together. People are speculating that he did it to make Sophie jealous after their breakup.

Meanwhile Star Magazine notes in the article we mentioned above that gorgeous Monk was seen out having brunch with a hunky video game director, James Rubin, on February 15. It looks like she’s moved on to someone more her speed while Benji has been reduced to playing tag along with Paris Hilton.

Paris and Benji are shown in the header out at lunch yesterday and below out shopping on 2/25, thanks to Splash News.

Britney’s ex-”manager”/hanger on Sam Lutfi avoided being served a restraining order until the last possible moment, with a judge having to rule that it was still valid a day after the time ran out to present it to him. Now there’s news that he’s going to fight the order, with March 17 court date to present his twisted side of the story. The current restraining order against Lutfi lasts until March 17.

Sam supposedly said that he will call Britney to the witness stand to personally attest that she wants him back in her life and that she’s sick of her father controlling her. The News of the World quotes him as saying “I am going to call Britney to the stand so she can tell the world how I was helping her. I am innocent. I am Britney’s friend and would never hurt her.”

One of Britney’s old assistants has a different story about Lutfi. Kalie Machado worked for Britney for three months starting in December, 2006. She says that Sam contacted her and asked her a bunch of personal questions about Britney before he was able to meet her and insert himself into her life. He first arranged a meeting with Machado with the excuse that he was a private investigator and had “incriminating evidence” against the star. Instead of presenting anything to the assistant, he then asked a bunch of weird questions about Britney’s schedule and how to contact her. Machado left soon afterwards, and it sounds like she got a very creepy vibe from Lutfi. She says that she saw a picture of Lutfi with Britney months later and she was amazed to see that it was the weirdo who was trying to get to Britney through her:

Kalie Machado claims that while she was Britney’s assistant, she received a call from a man “at a restricted number” who said he was a private investigator working for Brit’s ex husband Kevin Federline. That man was Sam. “He said he had incriminating evidence on Britney and he was going to hand it over to me,” she recalls. “We arranged to meet in a Santa Monica Starbucks.”

Kalie was nervous, so she brought her roommate with her. She says she spent 20 minutes listening to Sam talk and when she demanded to see the evidence, he instead “asked all kinds of stalkerish questions - like when we leave the house and where Britney and I went.”

Finally, Kalie realized that Sam had nothing and left. “I got more calls from Sam after that,” she remembers, “but I just ignored them.”

Kalie stopped working for Britney… in February, 2007 and moved to San Francisco. Months later, she says she saw a photo on the Internet that made her stomach drop. “It was Britney, standing next to the man I met in Starbucks - Sam Lutfi. I got a chill down my spine.”

[From In Touch, print edition, March 10, 2008]

Machado says she’s happy to learn about the restraining order against Lutfi and that she “just want(s) to warn Britney - and other people - to make sure they stay away. Sam is a creep.”

There are plenty of other people who attest to the manipulative and abusive way Lutfi treats his “friends”. Before Britney, he had at least three other restraining orders against him and was accused of threatening and verbally abusing a male friend after the man started to pull away from him. Many people blame Lutfi for Britney’s rapid downfall and the way that she lost custody of her boys to her ex husband.

Lutfi bragged to Britney’s mother that he would mash up psychiatric drugs and mix them into her food. It’s possible that much of her erratic behavior over the past few months was due to being overmedicated by Lutfi against her knowledge. She certainly has psychological problems on her own, but it’s clear that she’s much better off under the guardianship of her father. Let’s hope Lutfi’s transparent plan to gain influence over Britney again is shot down in court in two weeks.

Britney is shown at Millenium Dance Studio last night, thanks to Splash. She really is looking pregnant I’m sorry to say. I hope it’s just that dress.

G.W. Little has dog supplies and toys for small breeds including cute little “indoor potties” that feature real-looking grass for your accessory pet. They also have a selection of celebrity-inspired squeaking chew toys called “Puparazzi Pup Toys.” For $14, your Shi Tzu can chomp on a stuffed animal that looks like a cartoon version of Britney Spears or Bruce Willis. The dolls have inventive dog-style names like “Biteme Spears” and “Brad Pittbull.”

Most of the toys are easy to identify, but a few don’t look exactly like their celebrity counterparts. Check out the photos below and see if you can guess which celebrities the dog toys are parodying. The pictures are linked to larger versions with the answers. Some of them are easier to guess than others, and we’ve numbered them in case you want to try in the comments first. (Note that the tags are covered in the small versions and that these images don’t show the full toy in some cases.)

[Thanks to this week’s In Touch Magazine for the heads up. GW Little has not contacted us or otherwise paid for an endorsement.]

Ladies, you know you’ve done it: sitting in a circle of your best girl friends, you flip to this month’s Cosmo quiz and all of you reveal your answers. Well, celebrities do it, too. This month’s quiz taker is singer Rihanna– and some of her answers might surprise you.

In the quiz, Rihanna reveals that she’s dying to work with Hugh Jackman, misses her friends back home in Barbados, and wishes she had more time to sleep. She claims that a dealbreaker in a relationship is “when a guy doesn’t treat his family right.” She also admits to a huge crush on “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Orlando Bloom, confesses that nude scenes in movies are, “HOTT,” and that she’s never owned a car.

As for Rihanna’s assessment of her body, a hallmark of any Cosmo quiz, she says her best feature is her butt, while she gets the most compliments on her eyes. She rates her figure as “not perfect, but it’s real,” and admits that she is insecure about her eating habits because “a girl like me can only have so many french fries.”

Probably the most surprising answer on the quiz was to the question, “If I could trade lives with another woman for a day, it would be…” Rihanna answered Kate Moss.

Say what?

Sure, Kate’s a supermodel, but she’s also a mess. And she’s had sex with Pete Doherty. Why would Rihanna want to deal with that kind of horror? I don’t think she knows who Kate Moss really is. I think she meant Kate Hudson. Or maybe Kate Beckinsale.

You can see Rihanna’s quiz here. Rihanna was also profiled in this issue of Cosmo, and appears on the cover. Who needs to be Kate Moss when you can be on the cover just by being yourself?

Picture note by Celebitchy: Rihanna is shown arriving at the Chanel fashion show in Paris on 2/29/08, thanks to PRPhotos.

In the March issue of Cosmopolitan, hunky “Heroes” star Milo Ventimiglia, 30, is interviewed for the mag’s “Informer” section, but don’t count on any information about the actor’s love life, especially the status of his relationship with co-star Hayden Panettiere, 18. In fact, a “factoid” text box that overlays the actor’s yummy photo shoot identifies him as “single,” and in the interview, he tells the reporter, “I’ve been single for a year and a half.”

Do you get nervous on dates?

Yes. I’ve been single for a year and a half. It’s tough being witty for two hours.

Have friends tried to set you up?

Yeah, someone thinks you’d look “cute” together, but you share no interests and become combative [on a date]. You just wish you were home, scrubbing your toilet.

[From Cosmopolitan, March 2008 print issue]

Somebody needs to let Hayden Panettierre in on that little nugget, because she is clearly under the impression that Milo is her boyfriend. The couple have been seen everywhere holding hands, hugging and definitely behaving in a way that is not consistent with that whole “We’re just good friends” line of crap Milo has been feeding the press for months. At a recent party hosted by Candies shoes, for which Hayden is a spokesmodel, Milo went as Hayden’s date to show his support. And I’m no psychic, but he sure didn’t look like he would rather be home scrubbing his toilet.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Milo and Hayden are shown in the header image at a Lifetime Achievement Award presentation to Stan Lee Featuring the cast of “Heroes” on 12/15/07, thanks to PRPhotos.