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Cele|bitchy Archives
- Week of 08/13/2006
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Celebitchy Archives: Madonna
Aug
14
Madonna promises never to try to act again


Madonna knows what she's good at, and now she plans to stick to it. The super-fit geriatric Jewish queen of pop can't act for shit and she's finally admitted it:

MADONNA has begrudgingly turned her back on her movie career, because she is convinced the media is hell bent on ensuring her film projects are flops. The LIKE A VIRGIN singer was lauded for her performance in the big screen adaptation of the musical EVITA, but she has suffered a string of flops, most notably BODY OF EVIDENCE and SWEPT AWAY, her last movie role directed by husband GUY RITCHIE, which failed to secure a cinema release. And the 47-year-old, who is currently in the midst of her Confessions world tour, will concentrate solely on her music career from now on. She says, "I hate to admit it, but I've decided to give [acting] up. "How can any film survive if everyone says it's going to be a flop from the very day the project is even conceived? "It's already dead in the water."

By saying it's already "dead in the water," she may have been making a sneaky reference to that terrible film that doomed her husband's career, "Swept Away." People say her films suck not because she's in them, but because they've actually seen them and she can't act. Her acting is wooden and forced, and that's smart of her to stick with what she knows - writhing around on stage and pissing off the Christians.

Here's Madonna in concert in Rome on August 6th. Looks like the pope missed a fabulous show. [via]

Posted to Arrogant | Madonna | Music | Photos

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Aug
04
Madonna invites the Pope to see her blasphemy firsthand


Someone please stop Madonna before she's damned to hell. She's using the same old tired "offend all the Christians" gimmick to generate controversy over her geriatric tour. She refused to take the hanging on a cross bit out of her show for the televised version of her concert, and she also declined to take it out when she plays Rome right near the Vatican. Now she's upped the ante a bit by inviting the creepy Pope himself to her show:

Madonna has invited Pope Benedict XVI to be the guest of honor at her Rome, Italy, Confessions concert on Sunday, which features the mock crucifixion of the singer. Religious leaders in Italy and The Vatican have united to publicly denounce the singer's controversial stage act, in which she is 'crucified' on a diamante-studded cross, while wearing a crown of thorns.

Ersilio Cardinal Tonino, speaking on behalf of The Pope, said yesterday, "This concert is a blasphemous challenge to the faith and a profanation of the cross. She should be ex-communicated. To crucify herself during the concert in the city of Popes and martyrs is an act of open hostility."

Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg tells the New York Daily News, "I think the Pope would enjoy the show and would applaud her performance. He has an open invitation to see for himself the eloquence and beauty that Madonna expresses for humanity while performing her poignant song 'Live To Tell.'"

That's so fucking stupid! Madonna can't stand being out of the spotlight for five minutes, and she has to offend everyone who isn't a member of her crazy cult religion.

I'm not religious at all, but I just think that's ridiculous. Madonna can put all the sexy bits in that she wants, but why does she have to mess with religious symbolism so blatantly?

Yeah sure, Madonna, the Pope's going to be impressed by your tribute to "humanity." Give me a break.

Posted to Arrogant | Cults | Madonna | Music

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Jul
09
Madonna to perform with Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson?


If someone told me Madonna was going to pull the tired hanging on the cross routine for her latest tour, I wouldn't have believed them. So while it may seem really stupid of Madonna to try to tie her fading star to two hot young singers at the MTV music awards again, it sounds like something she would do. She's persistent in her blind/blonde ambition, and she tends to beat dead horses and expect people to pay to watch, which they do.

She's said to now want to "pass her energy" onto Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson in an S&M number that probably borrows from her stupid "Confessions" tour. I bet it will have an equestrian theme, too:

Three years ago at the MTV Video Music Awards she made front page news around the world when she kissed BRITNEY SPEARS and CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

Now the Queen Of Pop is planning to do a bondage scene with the two rising stars at this year’s awards in New York next month.

A source told me: “Madonna’s people contacted Jessica’s representatives a few weeks ago and the talks are progressing well.

“With both Jessica and Lindsay’s stock rocketing Madonna thinks they would be perfect to perform with.

“She’s planning something even more sexy than a lesbian kiss. The whispers are all about a bondage- inspired show.

“Madonna will keep the details hushed up until the night.”

The source is The Sun, which makes it seem like fake news, but you never know with Madonna. It could be true now that Madonna is converting Lohan to Kabbalah.

Please, Madonna, retire already. You look more like a cartoon character than a pop star, and you were right at home on stage at the Grammys with Gorillaz. You should devote your life to converting people to your sham cult and quit performing. Maybe you'll hook gullible Jessica Simpson into Kabbalah too. She's surely in need of some spiritual guidance.

Here is Madonna with her daughter Lourdes outside of the NY Kabbalah center on 6/30. Lindsay Lohan is shown shopping at Tower Records on 7/7 and in Malibu on 7/6. [via]. There are also some low-res candids of Jessica Simpson arriving at LA airport with her bodyguard. [via]

Posted to Jessica Simpson | Lindsay Lohan | Madonna | Music | Photos

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Jun
29
Madonna, I mean "Esther" renames Lindsay Lohan "Rose"


Having failed to convert Britney Spears to Kabbalah, Madonna is trying to bring Lindsay Lohan into the fold. Lohan is in need of some spiritual guidance in between all of her exhausting bed hopping, and
admitted to being interested in the cult back in March:

"Yes, I am looking into kabbalah. I guess why is because all of us need something. You just have to grab onto whatever can get you through. Maybe it's this business, but it seems everything around can be so tough, so hard. I think you have to have somewhere to turn for a little softness and understanding. I know I'm really trying."

Now that Lohan has stuck her little toe into the expensive Kabbalah tap water, Madonna has renamed her in an attempt to prime her for full-on indoctrination:

The world knows her as Lindsay Lohan, but Madonna now calls her Rose! According to an insider, when dealing with others who share her spiritual belief in Kabbalah, Madonna goes by her Hebrew name, Esther, and now that Lindsay has taken up the religion, she will go by Rose. "Madonna helped Lindsay come up with the new name, partly based on her birth date and place of birth," the insider says. "Lindsay adores her new name."
(From In Touch print edition, July 10, 2006.)

People who stay in cults are so gullible. (There's no shame in getting caught up in a cult or being born into one. Staying active in one for years by your own will and trying to convert other people is another thing.) Madonna may think she's the queen of pop music, but she's giving all her cash to some shysters in exchange for their bubble-gum insight and a sense of superiority. It may feed her smug attitude, but maybe she'll realize at some point what's going on and feel like the fool she is.

If you don't think Kabbalah is a cult, read cult expert Rick Ross' articles on it. Kabbalah and its founder, Philip Berg, have ruined lives and ripped off thousands of people. Lohan is about to be next. She loves spending money, and she's about to get a chance to throw some down the dark hole of manufactured spiritual enlightenment.

Here's a link to a good overview of the characteristics and techniques of cults. It's not just about losing money. A lot of families, friends, and personal identities get washed out too.

Here is Madonna with her daughter, Lourdes, in NY on 6/27, [via] and Lindsay Lohan at the opening of club Social Hollywood also on 6/27. [via]

Madonna is wearing blue slippers in these pics, and she's not wearing her wedding ring.

Posted to Abusive | Cults | Lindsay Lohan | Madonna

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Jun
26
New Jessica Simpson song totally rips off Madonna's "Holiday"


The new Jessica Simpson song, "A Public Affair" is so strikingly similar to Madonna's "Holiday" that it's surprising it's not a remake. TMZ has both songs available for a comparison:

The single appears to bear a striking resemblance to Madonna's 1983 hit "Holiday." In fact, the songs sounds eerily similar.

From the synth-pop beat to the jangly guitars in the beginning, to the eight-note motifs in the verses to the choruses that begin on an A and the use of the same key (B-minor), the two songs are so similar that, in a highly unscientific poll, every person to whom TMZ played "A Public Affair" identified it as "Holiday." Will Jellybean Benitez (who produced the original) be getting royalties for this?

TMZ called a rep for Madonna, but as of yet our calls have not been returned. As for Jessica, her rep tells TMZ "It is a fun summer single and comparing to retro Madonna is flattering!"

My husband thought it was "Holiday" when he heard the Jessica Simpson song, and it's amazing that someone thought they could get away with such a blatant rip off. I'm not blaming Jessica because she probably just does what people tell her to do.

Maybe Simpson's producers will pull the song or choose another to use as the first single off her new album.

She is in dire need of advice and has been letting her best friend and hairdresser Ken spend too much time on Eva Longoria's hair. The poor girl has major roots in these pictures at the launch of the Sidekick 3 on 6/20. She's also wearing an unflattering dress, and if she was still married someone (probably us) would be calling her pregnant.

Pictures [via]

Posted to Jessica Simpson | Madonna | Music

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Jun
13
Madonna is pissed that Britney ditched Kabbalah


Maddona is pissed off at Britney because she showed some sense for once and rejected the money pit Kabbalah cult.

Madonna spent a great deal of time and money wooing the younger singer into the Kabbalah fold, and it worked for at least a while; Spears was spotted wearing the trendy religion’s trademark red string bracelet and toting around Kabbalah books.

But not long ago, Spears publicly ditched the mystical offshoot of Judaism, writing on her Web site: “I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.” Spears, who was raised a Baptist, has allegedly been consulting with a “Christian Life Coach” about her troubled marriage to Kevin Federline.

“Madonna spent months teaching Britney the Kabbalah system and splashed out thousands on the ancient scripture for her,” according to a source quoted by Virgin.net, which is further reporting that Madonna is demanding that Spears return the twelfth-century book on Kabbalah that she gave her as a wedding present. Madonna’s rep had no comment by press time, but the source said: “She feels she has wasted time, money and precious gifts on Brit.”

A few years ago I was dating this uber-hot but kind of slow guy. I had misgivings about him, but it was when I found out he was involved with Amway I realized I had to bolt.

Cult members are compelled to convert everyone they know. It's the ultimate insult to tell them that you're not interested in their "religion."

Madonna tried to tie her fading star to Britney a few years ago, and was flattering herself by thinking she could mold the pop star in her own crazy image. Now Madonna may have a semblance of a career back while all Britney has is her very public misery, but at least Britney didn't get sucked into a cult. Madonna thinks she has all the answers, but she leans on Kabbalah like a crutch while they get rich off her gullibility. Let's hope Britney gets her life on track soon. There are no quick fixes to enlightenment, but standing up for yourself and finding your own way is a good start.

Posted to Britney Spears | Cults | Madonna

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May
22
Granny Dominatrix Madonna kicks off her Confessions Tour


As is typical for Madonna, she did a bunch of crazy shit at the kick off for her Confessions Tour yesterday in Inglewood, California.

Madonna[s] latest tour, which she kicked off Sunday at the Forum, is so provocative that it's hard to count the ways.

Let's see, there was the whole hanging on a cross, wearing a crown of thorns thing. The riding the rhinestone-studded, black leather carousel like she's the main attraction at the erotic shop across town thing. And, of course, that nasty George Bush comment thing, which she brought back from her Coachella show last month.

The show started off nice and sweet with images of horses on the screens and Madonna in full equestrian attire descending from the ceiling in a one-ton disco ball. A closer look at that outfit, however, revealed she's going for the dominatrix look and that whip wasn't meant for a horse.

As Madonna sang "Future Lovers," mixing in a little of Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" for good measure, her leather-strapped male dancers slithered around her like a lost scene from "Eyes Wide Shut." "Get Together" offered more of the same, but nothing could have prepared the capacity crowd for what would follow — and we're not talking about her own X-rays on the screens.

Bringing "Like a Virgin" out of the vaults, Madonna introduced the song by asking the audience if they wanted to go for ride. She then saddled up on a carousel-like set piece and rode it like no carousel should be ridden.

The moves sent the room into a frenzy and caused one of the only sing-a-longs of the set, which featured 10 Confessions on a Dancefloor tracks and, unlike the Re-Invention Tour that launched in the same venue almost two years ago (see "Madonna Twirls Rifle, Lifts Up Her Kilt At Tour Opener"), only a few old favorites.

For her next tune, Madonna made one of her seven costume changes and returned to the center of the stage a la Jesus Christ on the cross (if that cross were built in 2006 ... by Marilyn Manson), singing "Live to Tell." Like Kanye West on the cover of Rolling Stone, it was a fascinating image, whether or not you think it's immoral.

Madonna can't top her younger, hotter self, and she obviously can't stand the thought of retiring and enjoying her vast wealth out of the spotlight. She's still in top form, but this smacks of desperation. She could do a great performance without gyrating on a horse's saddle, pretending to be a dominatrix and deliberately provoking Christians. We don't go to church and have little respect for organized religion, but why is Madonna still trying to get headlines this way? This is a tired ploy that she wore out in 1989 with the "Like a Prayer" video.

Here she is writhing on the saddle:

And here are pictures of her performance. Thanks to MadonnaOnline.com.br for the disco crucifix pictures.

Posted to Madonna | Music

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May
01
Pictures from Madonna's six-song performance at Coachella


Madonna performed at Coachella in Indio, California this weekend, which drew a record 60,000 people. This music festival also featured performances by Kanye West, Depeche Mode, Massive Attack, and Tool. It was Madonna's first appearance at the festival.

Madonna came on twenty minutes late, angering fans, and only played six songs, but the crowd is said to have loved it:

Madonna was more than 20 minutes late starting, and her delayed set drew several rounds of booing from the sea of humanity packed into and around the Sahara Tent. But she oozed personality once taking the stage, at one point shouting at a fan who had thrown water onto the stage and then wiping it up herself, and later asking the audience, "Everybody, does my a** look okay?"

The set featured her latest hit single "Hung Up," "Get Together," "I Love New York," "Ray of Light," "Let It Will Be" and the vintage "Everybody." The show served as a warm-up for the May 21 kick-off of her Confessions tour in Los Angeles.

Here's a fan video from the show, in which Madonna asks the crowd if she should take her pants off during the intro to "Everybody."

And here are pictures of Madonna's brief show. It does look like she gave it her all.

Posted to Madonna | Music | Photos

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Apr
18
Madonna tries for a baby to save her marriage


Madonna, 47, is supposedly trying for another baby with her husband of five years, Guy Ritchie, 37. Madonna has a five year-old son with Richie and a nine year-old daughter from a different father:

Madonna is reportedly trying for a second baby with husband Guy Ritchie... The pop diva... allegedly hopes another child will help strengthen the couple's reportedly ailing five-year marriage.

The sexy singer... is said to have agreed to try for a baby after Guy told her he wanted their son to have a little brother or sister. A source is quoted in Daily Star newspaper as saying: "They are more in love than ever and having another baby will be their first priority.

Last month, Madonna was said to have put Ritchie on a curfew and tried to curtail his drinking. Ritchie's father confirmed that the couple was having trouble, when he said in a statement last week that they were going through a "bumpy period" and that "the children... will keep them together."

Guy will be going on a month-long extreme sports vacation with his friends next month and Madonna will be on tour soon, so they won't have much more time to try.

In related news Madonna will piss off plenty of Christians in her new tour. She's going to use a huge Swarovski-studded disco-fied crucifix as a central stage decoration.

Posted to Babies | Madonna | Relationship trouble

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Mar
31
The Beckhams and Lohan pick trendier cult

So Kabbalah is ahead in the battle of the celebrity-favorite cults this week. Cult News reports that illiterate Victoria Beckham has been wearing a red string on her left hand, the Kaballah talisman that supposed to ward off the evil eye. (A red string on the right hand is a symbol of anorexic pride, and given Posh's stick-thin figure and low level of intelligence, it is possible that she simply confused the two.) This means that she may have picked Madonna's cult Kaballah over Tom Cruise's cult Scientology, which she was supposed to be considering based on her friendship with Katie Holmes.
It appears that there has been an almost frantic competition between the two most popular purported ”cults” in Hollywood, to get the Beckhams onboard, they are Britain’s most popular celebrity couple, outside the royal family.

Each group’s top recruiter has come knocking on the door, Tom Cruise from Scientology and Madonna for her beloved Kabbalah Centre.

Certainly, whoever gets “Beck” and his wife Victoria will draw the attention of soccer fans worldwide, not to mention celebrity watchers, waiting for the next trend.

[via]

Cindy Adams reports in The NY Post that Lindsay Lohan is also wearing a red string. We pointed out that she had a Kaballah string on at the GM fashion show at the beginning of March. It is indeed not a one-time thing and she mentions to Adams that's she's clinging to anything in order to get some sanity:

"Yes, I am looking into kabbalah," she told me. "I guess why is because all of us need something. You just have to grab onto whatever can get you through. Maybe it's this business, but it seems everything around can be so tough, so hard. I think you have to have somewhere to turn for a little softness and understanding. I know I'm really trying."

There are much healthier, safer things to get you through the day Lindsay. Exercise, music, even an occasional drink for one. You're better off with a hangover and some embarassing pictures than getting involved with the Kabbalah cult.

In terms of Posh's choice, she may have picked the lesser of two very real evils.

Posted to Beckham | Cults | Katie Holmes | Lindsay Lohan | Madonna | Tom Cruise | TomKat | Victoria Beckham

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Mar
29
Madonna is too old to try to define what's cool


Madonna can't make up her mind what's cool anymore, so she's going to try to cram as much as possible into her new tour, including shit that only she considers interesting.

First off, Madonna is going to show off her new krump dancing moves. Krump is the urban dance made popular in the documentary "Rize." Madonna's new tour is also using Studio 54 as an inspiration for the set, which will feature fantasy scenes from the famous nightspot.

Not content to just stick with the disco debauchery meets urban dance theme, Madonna will muddy the waters with on-stage homages to her favorite pasttimes, horseriding and kaballah. She's also throwing some urban running in there, in case none of the other shit sticks:

A source said: “Madonna has been practising krumping ever since she filmed the videos to Hung Up and Sorry.

“Madge has ordered a unique spinning platform to be designed so she and her dancers can recreate Studio 54’s extravagant scenes.

“She has also ordered dozens of disco balls to decorate the stage with authentic Seventies lighting.”

The show will open with a Disco Queen section, featuring girls in sparkling suits, male dancers dressed as pimps and more dancers roller-skating.

Another section, American Land, will indulge Madonna’s obsession with horses, with video walls showing footage of her riding scantily clad in the pouring rain.

A third part, Oriental And Eastern, will see Madonna joined on stage by a Kabbalah singer to perform a remix of her brilliant album track Isaac.

One section will have a Parkour specialist — the wacky sport on the BBC promotional film with a bloke running across London rooftops. Madge will also showcase some new music, if her label Warner give the go-ahead.

Madonna, make up your mind. Just because your last tour was too Kaballah heavy doesn't mean you don't have to stick with a central theme. Your tour may look good and maybe you can even pull it off, but it sounds like a total mess to us.

Madonna's tour opens in LA this May, and may even hit Israel - surprise surprise.

Here's Madonna with little Lourdes. Lourdes' stylist seems to be going with the junior preppy look for the pre-'tween.

Pictures [via]

Posted to Kids | Madonna | Music | Photos

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Mar
15
Madonna really cares about her children


Madonna is such a good mother. She's making sure her kids will be even more fucked up when they grow up by ensuring that they're indoctrinated into her sham religion, Kabbalah. Here she is leaving the Kabbalah center with her spawn on 3/3/06.

Meanwhile Lourdes, 9, has a stylist to help her turn into a little slut like her mom:

When your mom's the original Material Girl, best known for her outr‚ dress sense, could you expect anything less? Little Lourdes was styled to a T - sporting trendy Converse All Stars, green knee-highs, a retro 80s-style denim skirt, and a striped henley.

"I think her stylist was trying to go for 'The Littlest Pussycat Doll' look," says celeb stylist Shane Cisneros. "Lourdes has the ability to wear anything just like her mother - here, she's channeling mom's Danceteria days."

And yes, you read that right - the 9-year-old has a stylist.

Whatever the look, it's clear from this picture that Lourdes is precocious, says behavioral analyst and body language expert Maxine Lucille Fiel.

"The way she's standing shows that she may be coming into early womanhood," Fiel says. "I think she's now entering a very interesting phase of adolescence and I wish Madonna luck.

Pictures [via]

Four more after the jump.

Continue reading "Madonna really cares about her children" »

Posted to Cults | Kids | Madonna | Photos

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Mar
12
Madonna thinks being bossy will save her marriage

Picture of Guy Richie and Madonna at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party. Richie looks uncomfortable. The caption reads: yeah she's a pain in the ass, but what can I do?
Madonna makes one of the dumbest, oldest marriage mistakes by thinking that she'll save her relationship by telling her husband what to do:

"To this end, Madonna has imposed a strict curfew on Guy to ensure that they spend more quality time together."

"She has told him that he needs to spend a minimum of two to three nights a week in the family home, and that he should be back by 11pm, when the pubs close. Friday night, the Jewish Sabbath, is particularly sacred to her - she wants Guy to be at home on this night above any other," the insider continued. "Madonna has also asked him to limit his drinking to three pints a night.

"While clearly not enamoured with his wife's rules, Guy has agreed to go along with them because he knows that throughout their marriage Madonna has let him get away with plenty. It is only fair that he plays ball now."

Guy has agreed to go along with Madge because he hasn't had work in a while and is stuck with her. If she wasn't one of richest women on the planet he would kick her to the curb. He hates Kabbalah and he's tired of Madonna, but he puts up with it because he's not stupid and arrogant like K-Fed. [via]

Here's the happy couple at the Vanity Fair Oscar party.

Madonna and Guy RichieMadonna and Guy RichieMadonna and Guy Richie

Posted to Madonna | Relationship trouble

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Mar
05
Brainwashed Madonna wants to buy Isreali real estate


Madonna is looking for holy real estate in Isreal to help spread the word of the Kaballah cult:

This piece of property must be a “house overlooking the Sea of Galilee at the place where followers of her Kabbalist faith expect the Messiah to reappear” reports the Sunday Times.

One woman who owns an old stone cottage in this designated space for future miracles says she will happily sell her home to Madonna for double the going price, a cool $1 million dollars.

The pop star supposedly wants to renovate whatever property she picks up into a reading room for her Kabbalah cronies.

Cult expert Rick Ross reported earlier that Madonna's relationship with Guy was in trouble due to his healthy suspicions of to her involvement with the harmful cult.

Posted to Cults | Madonna

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