Graham Norton thinks it’s more difficult for gay men to have house-husbands

wenn21965446

I’ve always thought that Graham Norton is nothing short of an international treasure. He’s witty, he’s camp, he’s funny and he’s a very good interviewer and host. The Graham Norton Show is a must-watch event and it’s even fun to watch the older episodes just to laugh and see (drunk) celebrities loosen up and have fun. Graham is also a writer of several bestselling memoirs – his latest, So Me, is already out in Britain. Graham gave an interview to the Daily Mirror to promote the book, and he ended up talking about his lack of a love life and how it would be easier for him to find a life partner if he was straight:

He has just extended his multi-million pound contract with the BBC and his latest book is flying off the shelves. But today Graham Norton reveals he has paid a heavy price at home for his success. While Britain’s favourite TV chat show host is the go-to presenter for huge live gigs and late-night hilarity, he has struggled to find lasting love.

“Work comes first,” he says. “But because I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, I continue to prioritise my job over other bits of my life. That’s probably very foolish, something I’ll live to regret.”

He adds: “When I look back at my romantic history, I have to say it’s taken second place to my job. Perhaps I don’t expect my love affairs to last. Or it could just be that I have a low attention span.”

And he thinks it might have been easier if he were straight – but not for the usual reasons.

He says: “I have a theory. I think there’s something about having a male partner that makes it more difficult. This will sound sexist but that doesn’t mean it’s any less true. If I were a straight man, my female partner would have a role in the eyes of society. She would be the mother of my children, my hostess, the person on my arm at red carpet events. She would have a defined function. But that’s not the case if your partner is male. Every man – no matter how young or fey – has something of the alpha in him. So all the things they thought they’d enjoy about going out with me become loathsome in the end because they haven’t earned it for themselves. Increasingly, that puts a strain on the relationship.”

But Graham isn’t a man for dwelling on the past.

He says: “If you live your life full of regret, it’s a negative thing. It’s like you’re dragging a dead weight behind you. You need to make your peace with whatever it is and then move on.”

The presenter is currently single and says the nearest he has to significant others are his two dogs, a labradoodle called Bailey and Madge the terrier.

He says: “They’re my heart’s delight. But we tend to love our dogs differently because we know that it’s going to be a temporary love. Barring a bus hitting me, Bailey and Madge are going to go first. In a way, that makes you adore them more or, at any rate, in a different way.”

[From The Daily Mirror]

Do you think it’s sexist for a gay man to say that a man is less comfortable with the idea of having his boyfriend support him financially? I mean, it is sexist, but is it true? There are gay and straight sugar daddies, and in most of gay celebrity couples we know of, there’s one partner who makes most of the money and one partner who is more “supportive” and traditionally “wife-like.” Think about Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, or Elton John and David Furnish. But I also think Graham is probably right about how society treats his boyfriends, like there isn’t an established route for a gay man to have a house-husband. I can’t decide if Graham offended me or if I understood his point of view completely.

wenn21967827

Photos courtesy of WENN.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

38 Responses to “Graham Norton thinks it’s more difficult for gay men to have house-husbands”

Comments are Closed

We close comments on older posts to fight comment spam.

  1. Anastasia says:

    I think there’s some alpha in women, too! He assumes all women would be happy in that passive role.

    But I totally forgive him, because he’s awesome! I love it when he cracks up on his show, and it happens a lot.

    • Hope says:

      I don’t think he’s saying all women would be happy in a passive role, rather it’s socially acceptable for women to take a passive role. It’s not frowned upon for a woman to stay at home. Even though house-husbands are on the rise with female breadwinners, society still instills ambition as a crucial trait men must possess. I can see where he’s coming from, though if he ever bothered to talk to a woman under 40 I’m sure they’d set him straight 🙂

      • Tristan says:

        You’re are absolutely right. Both my sisters insist on being self supportive in their marriages, and I would rather die than depend on my partner for money. Even if I was dating Tim Cook I would still want to be making my own money & be 100% independent of him. Likewise I would hate to feel I was being taken advantage of by another guy, and expect him to pay his way. As a gay man I can confirm that the general view of gay men dependent on a sugar daddy is pretty grim. In general, gay men are far more intolerant of other gays whom they percieve as being goldiggers or spongers. Perhaps as a result of the cultural overhang of our recent past, with man as breadwinner & woman as housewife, there is still more tolerance in society of women depending on men than vice versa. A straight guy dependent on a successful female, is very often the butt of a million jokes, in most societies even now. Take the exes of Sheeri Shepherd & Halle Berry as examples. The price you pay for major success tends to be difficulty with having equal & balanced relationships

      • MaiGirl says:

        That was my interpretation as well. If he had left off that “alpha” statement, I would have no problem whatsoever with his statement, because he is right. Societally, we tend to expect men to be instrumental and women to be supportive, so I can see how it would be difficult for a gay man to be more financially dependent and/or domestic than his partner. I think a similar reason is why so many rich and/or powerful women have trouble finding a male partner. We only have a model for the male having more power, money, and visibility than his partner, not the other way around. The way we construct masculinity is threatened by non-dominance, for the most part.

  2. Sixer says:

    I think rather than sexist or not, or offensive or not, it’s a conversation, you know? And one in which gay people should take the lead and the rest of us straights should listen and try to illuminate ourselves about gay issues and perspectives – and definitely avoid making rushes to judgement from our lofty straight-privilege perches.

    • Leftovers says:

      I think you are spot on here. Well said.

    • bettyrose says:

      Sixer -I agree with you, but as the alpha female in a straight relationship, I feel that all gender discussions are relevant to us as well. My guy would happily be the house boyfriend if I earned enough – and that is our long term goal. But I still get patronized by contractors/sales people who assume he’s the primary decision maker. We’re all in this movement together.

  3. I get his point–I think that a lot of people, at first thought have a tendency to talk/think trash about someone who stays home….I know I tend to have a knee jerk reaction, because I have an aunt that has on/off stayed home (basically stayed home when she had a boyfriend that she could bully into paying everything), and you’d think that only her teenage boys lived there, with how filthy her house ALWAYS was.

    I think, in the end, you need to just stop worrying about what other people think. People are always gonna talk shit (this site is PROOF of that, lol)…but it’s your life. The only person who needs to be satisfied is YOU. If you want somebody who will stay at home, then you need to take care of that/them.

    It’s a HARD job to stay at home–while my mom was gone, I thought I was going to go crazy, because I was basically the only one taking care of things. My siblings were in school all day (and are really lazy and don’t listen to me), my dad has a full time job and goes to school–so basically it was my responsibility to clean stuff up, get dinner ready, on top of me going to school as well (online)…..

    So you’d think people would have a lot more respect for people who stay home–even if there are no kids involved. It’s a neverending job, one that people seem to take for granted. I know that after the months that my mom was gone, my dad understands a lot more about what she does–because he had to rearrange his schedule a lot of times to take us places–stuff that my mom would usually do, etc.

  4. Danielle says:

    Could we please stop bending over backwards to excuse silly mindsets just because they are held by people we like. Stephen Fry pulled this same sexist nonsense and was excused for it because 1) “he seems so nice on the television and 2) he is gay and therefore cant possibily have malicious intent with that statement. Its such ridiculous sacred cow logic. If a straight guy said this how would we react?

    The truth is Graham needs to realise that very few women wish to be defined by those roles. In fact alot of them resent it but find themselves trapped by expectations and upbringing. If he wants a house husband then he needs to seek out guys keen for that role and trust, they do exist.

    • Renee says:

      Hear, hear!!!

    • Cel says:

      +1

      Was about to write much the same thing. Just because you are funny/smart/gay does not mean this statement is not sexist and offensive. Stephen Fry has said some downright vile things about women in the past, and been supported because of his “national treasure” status. Mr Fry has just announced his engagement to a man 30 years his junior and again is being congratulated – anyone else would be called an old fool.

    • msd says:

      Word. Stephen Fry is frequently sexist. It irritates me no end that he gets a free pass because he’s gay.

      As for Norton, the fact that women are still made to feel like they need to apologise for being more successful or earning more money than a man, doesn’t seem to have figured into his thinking at all. It’s not a good thing that society so readily approves of women taking a back seat.

    • misstee says:

      MANY gay men are very sexist, ive been on the thick end of some terrible comments.

      Im sick of the pass given aswell, I don’t care if this is a ‘conversation about gay roles’ or not – he clearly doesn’t have the remotest idea of what woem are really like -0 only men can be alphas? take your 1950’s shit with you on the way out Graham…

  5. GoodNamesAllTaken says:

    I agree with everything you said, and would add that I have personally addressed this issue within myself. I worked for 25 years, but my career meant very little to me. My most fulfilling role was homemaker. So when my last job ended, I stopped working outside the home. I never made a huge amount so it didn’t have any significant financial impact and I’m a lot happier. But I noticed that whenever I heard “house husband” or similar, I would scoff and feel scornful. I’m usually pretty accepting of however people want to live their lives as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, so my reaction puzzled me. It was just something sort of twirling around for while, then I finally realized – I’m somehow threatened by this idea. Maybe my own insecurities about not having a career made the idea of man being hunter/gatherer and woman being nurturer more necessary to me? I can’t really put it into words, but I see now that I was doing exactly what you said and not “allowing” (in my mind) men to have different temperaments and needs. I’ve worked through it and seen how wrong I was, and how I’ve been so prejudiced.

    ETA – I was responding to LAK’s comment about men and traditional roles, but it’s gone. So now mine makes no sense. If it ever did.

    • Sixer says:

      No, it does make sense. And I think Norton was trying to say what you’re saying – that outside pressures like that have put inside pressures on his relationships . Not, as other commenters are reading it, that men and women (gay or straight) have any particular tendencies themselves.

      • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

        Yes, I think that’s what he was saying, too.

      • icerose says:

        I think it is much easier for women who choose to be stay at home wives and have a supportive role within their social set, Men straight or gay have more pressures to do something career wise and there are less social outlets can be difficult.
        I think stay at home men have to have a stronger mind set or ideology to maintain the role successfully. Some I have known have turned to home farming/industries as this seems to give a more meaningful outlet tan being a house husband in societies eyes and contact with like minded people.
        And I can see from a celebrity status that being the a wife to a male celebrity is easier because it is seen as being supportive but not so much with a stay at house husband to a celebrity who is more likely to be seen as riding on coat tails of his over. I think some like Elton and Patrick have managed it but I suspect it takes a man with a strong confidence in himself not to feel marginalised at some point.

  6. Dawn says:

    Oh god I love his show! He seems like such a cool dude and lots of fun. That’s all the opinion I have.

  7. Maria says:

    yawn. if you really think you are soooo awesome and soo perfect that people will be intimidated by you i guarantee no one will want to date you. perfect to fulfill your own prophecy.

    if you are only going for the quarterbacks and CEOs the chance that the man will stay at home is very low, the same goes for the driven careerwoman, she wont stay at home. thats a thing where a lot of women will have to adapt, fall in love with a person, not the status of the man. i have seen successful wives completly humiliating their less succesful men in public and then they had the nerve to tell me how men have problems with more sucessful women. thats just like a man saying “im too nice for women to date me”. it needs to stop.

    Graham says it himself: His work is most important. Fine, then dont complain. im so angry about people constantly talking about how its not possible to have a great love life and a great career. how would it be? a day only has 24 hours and we need to sleep. you need to have priorities. his number is work so why on earth is he wondering that his love life doesnt work?
    thats really like training Football each day and wondering why you dont get better at Tennis.

    it just sounds so incredibly selfish :”i only focus on my work and guys dont fall over themselves to love me”
    some things in life will always suffer because you need to make compromises and have priorities.

    but generally we all need to be more accepting of men who stay at home or god forbid are less succesful than their wives. even this site that constantly mocks young women who are asked about feminism trashes men who make less. Anne Hathaways guy gets mocked here and Natalie Portmans very succesful ballet dances gets called K-Fed.

    • Jessica Fletcher says:

      I don’t think he believes he is “sooo awesome and soo perfect”, I think he’s someone who is trying to figure out why he is alone. IMO, he’s wondering if the fact that he prioritises work over everything else, and the fact that traditional gender roles are not open to him is a big part of the reason why.
      Also, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with acknowledging that there are gender roles in our society – it is sexist that women would be accepted more as arm-candy or trophy wife more than men would, but just because it’s a sexist attitude of society, doesn’t mean that we can’t speak about it.

      (Hope that makes sense. This is my first post on CB 😊)

  8. clara says:

    Interesting to see how the title of his book has been changed for the American market. Over here it’s called “The Life and Loves of a He-Devil”.

  9. perplexed says:

    I thought he erred a bit in implying that women don’t earn what they have if they are less materially successful than the man. Also, a lot of men wouldn’t be as successful as they are if not for the support their wives give them (i.e Ben and Jennifer??). I’m not sure if he intended what I read in his meaning, but the weird implication seemed to come out a bit when he said “So all the things they thought they’d enjoy about going out with me become loathsome in the end because they haven’t earned it for themselves.” (Does he only date men who don’t have any kind of job whatsoever? Because nowadays most women do work, either because they want to or because they have to. Sure, most people probably don’t earn as much as he does, but I think something would have been earned by them, even if it sounds like less from a material standpoint). But I understood the rest of what he was saying (I assume two men might compete with each other for alpha status because of how gender perceptions work?).

    He didn’t really sound whiny or complaining to me though. Just kind of matter-of-fact, and I assume someone asked him why he was still single (that happens to single people a lot).

    • Maria says:

      “Does he only date men who don’t have any kind of job whatsoever?”

      i dont know but you cant compare a regular or even an above average paying job with what he makes. he can easily fly for a weekend somewhere first class and back and spent 30,000$. how many people can do that? how many of those men are gay and single? how many would like him, how many would he like? its a small club.

      people in his position will just have to realize that the majority wont be able to afford it no matter how hard they work.

      i can totally understand it. i wouldnt have a problem with a guy making more but it had to be in the same sphere. even if you make 150k a year and the guy rakes in 5 million, its a completly different lifestyle and i can understand feeling like you living off someone because that little you can contribute financially doesnt do much.

      • perplexed says:

        “i dont know but you cant compare a regular or even an above average paying job with what he makes”

        I realize this, which is why I can understand what he is saying overall, but I also think of someone like Natalie Portman and her ballet dancer husband, who probably makes considerably less, but is probably considered very successful in his own field. His material gains aren’t as much as hers (I think), but he has earned something that his peers would respect to get to the top of his field even if his gains aren’t quantifiable on a spreadsheet.

        I think Graham Norton is the rare instance of a man earning everything on his own (probably because he’s gay?) but in the male-female relationship, I don’t necessarily think the CEO types would necessarily be where they are without the help they get from their wives (which isn’t necessarily quantifiable, but it’s there). Maybe because he’s gay, he knows better how to cope with feeling alone because of how society alienates gay people, and therefore doesn’t need the help of anyone else, but a lot of straight men seem to have benefitted greatly from the support their wives give them in intangible ways. I don’t know if that’s because straight men have a harder time being alone, but they do rely on their partners a lot in other ways. I suppose that proves his overall point of assigned functions though.

  10. Jag says:

    Perhaps he’s dating the wrong kind of men. There are those who won’t be happy for various reasons in a relationship, whether they’re straight or gay. He needs to find a man who would be happy playing second fiddle to him, which it appears is what he requires.

  11. perplexed says:

    I understand his general point and I took no real offence to what he said, and I know it’s none of my business, but he could probably date and marry a doctor like Mark Zuckerberg and J.K. Rowling did. I think that option is open to him. I’m just speculating, not being snarky or passing judgment on his situation. Maybe they got lucky though since finding a life partner is easier said than done.

  12. sills says:

    No real opinion on his comments, but just wanted to say YEA! at seeing Graham Norton on Celebitchy. He is my favorite chat show host, it’s like he was born for the role. Equal parts admiring, irreverent, dishy, droll. Most importantly–and what’s missing for so many–he clearly has a deep affection for popular culture. Hope he keeps us laughing for a good long time.

    • SpookySpooks says:

      He’s good, but no one beats Alan Carr.

      I like Graham, but I always found him a bit condescending to audience members. That is why I don’t like the red chair bit.

  13. j.eyre says:

    I admit up front that I am a fan of his so I am, perhaps, being more lenient because of that. I am undecided on his comment because he doesn’t stick his landing. At first he speaks of a wife having “a role in society eyes.” I agree this is true in society – both that she would be comfortable to assume that role if inclined and that society is more comfortable viewing a women in that role than a man.

    But then he says, “Every man – no matter how young or fey – has something of the alpha in him. So all the things they thought they’d enjoy about going out with me become loathsome in the end because they haven’t earned it for themselves.” – and with that I do not agree; I don’t think that all men do have this and I do not think women lack it.

    I am leaning with Sixer that this is a good conversation opener and that if pressed, we might get a more evolved explanation from him. (But I also accept that I might not give everyone that opportunity before passing judgement so I am as hypocritical as the next.)

    • Sixer says:

      Yes. I also think that *public* gay marriages/partnerships are a relatively new thing and this is a healthy development for all of us. And although I don’t think these new conversations about them should be given an automatic pass on any stray sexism, misogyny, racism or any other thing that we don’t like, I do think we should kinda hold fire and just sit and listen for a while. Let’s hear what individual voices from within the gay community are saying and feeling about this new visibility, and about relationships that are now formally ratified by society in the same way straight ones always have been. Let’s just be quiet and listen, and save the calling out for another day.

  14. **sighs** says:

    I’m not totally sure, but I think he tends to date on the younger side. Maybe he’s dating people who, in the beginning, think it would be fun to have a sugar daddy. And then later realize that he’s working all the time, and they could make better use of their time?
    Seems to me maybe he needs to date people that are older and more established and work almost as much as he does, since the house husband thing doesn’t appear to be working for him. Especially since he’s rich enough that he could hire people to do all the things that a more traditional housewife or househusband would do. Sounds like he just wants a beck and call man.
    No shade, I love him. His show is my favorite talk show. But if you’re a workaholic who doesn’t prioritize a relationship, you can expect the same thing in return.

  15. Deb says:

    I love Graham Norton, and I also watch old clips of his show just because it’s so hilarious and awesome. He is indeed a treasure, and can say whatever he likes, in my books.

  16. poppy says:

    hmmm. someone not liking being viewed only as a hostess, arm candy, and basic hausfrau?

    both genders include people where the role of protector/guardian of hearth and home is not offensive (and actually coveted and enjoyed) but would definitely find how he describes it as offensive -society prescribed or not.
    maybe if he had more respect for the role, his partner(s) wouldn’t feel disrespected and find it loathsome?
    maybe start with the idea that they haven’t earned it for themselves.
    putting up with that attitude and not being appreciated on a regular basis is deserving of something. living with a partner that views you as less equal and has a lousy attitude is hard work.
    not surprised nobody has stuck around long.

  17. Anotherdirtymartini says:

    I think he’s wrong. I struggle with it myself. I was the so-called “breadwinner”, the one with the busy career; however, illness and subsequent disabilities struck me down. I’m at home, and I feel guilt and worthlessness all the time. I don’t like being around people because of it. The questions and the judgemental comments make me want to scream.

    A few of you said there are alpha women – damn right there are!

  18. deehunny says:

    I immediately thought of Liberace and “Behind the Candelabra.” Liberace grew bored and the boyfriend/adoptee eventually resented him for his success… Any thoughts on this?