Thomas Middleditch is in HBO’s Silicon Valley and some films here and there, but most people know him from Silicon Valley. Middleditch is married to a woman named Mollie Gates, who is a costume designer. They were married in 2015, after dating for about three years. Middleditch is Canadian, he’s 37 years old and he and Mollie don’t seem to have any kids? And, oh right, they’re also swingers. This shocked me! I know I shouldn’t be shocked by anything anymore, but I really wasn’t expecting this story – Middleditch gave an interview to Playboy and he discussed (at length) how he’s a swinger in a nontraditional marriage. He also makes it sound like he’s the only one swinging?
Thomas Middleditch is swinging for the fences. The 37-year-old actor, best known for HBO’s “Silicon Valley,” and most recently seen in “Godzilla: King of the Monsters,” spoke with Playboy for its “Pleasure Issue” at length about his swinger lifestyle and his marriage to costume designer Mollie Gates.
“Only after I got married was I like, ‘Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.’ To her credit, instead of saying ‘F–k you, I’m out,’ she was like, ‘Let’s figure this out.’ To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows.” And even though he got candid with the outlet, Middleditch prefaced his explanation with, “I don’t know how much I can say, because I don’t want my wife to be mad at me.”
“It’s a perpetual state of management and communication, to the point where it’s like, ‘Alright, we’ve got to stop’ … I’m gas, and she’s brakes,” he added, before noting, “This is actually the premise for a comedy series we’re writing together. I love my wife like I’ve never loved anyone before. With two people who feel that way about each other, how do you go down that road? It’s tough. Bring a therapist along for the ride.”
When asked if he’s concerned about becoming a representation of swingers, he said, “I would be honored to be the face of something. I don’t give a f–k, but my wife is more private, so I have to juggle that.” But when it comes to fans wanting to sleep with him and how that affects Gates, Middleditch admitted it’s a slippery slope. “That’s one of the trickier elements of it all, because Mollie doesn’t get that and yet she has to witness it. I’m like, ‘Come on, what about this chick who’s obviously really into me?’ And Mollie will say, ‘Yeah, she’s into you. Where do I fit in?’ That question comes up. It’s a game of inches on a minefield to try to predict who’s going to feel safe,. My first concern is Mollie. Anything that happens has to be run by the queen.”
I mean… I’m all for people being honest. Be honest with yourselves, be honest with your spouse, and if you’re a celebrity, be honest with the public. People will accept a lot if you’re honest. While I think this arrangement sounds like a trainwreck, what do I know? Maybe it works for them and I hope they’ve got it figured out. The way he describes it, it’s less “swinging” and more like he tells his wife that he wants to sleep with other women and she has to sign off on it, like he’s having affairs with Mollie’s knowledge and approval. But does Mollie get to sleep with other people too? Hm. Also: he’s a total d–k for only telling her he wanted to be a “swinger” AFTER they got married. That’s the sh-t you discuss BEFORE you get married.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
I cannot believe he discussed this publicly without getting consent from his wife first. Obviously, he has trouble respecting boundaries. And it doesn’t seem like his wife really wants the lifestyle, but tolerates it. I find this very disrespectful to the person he claims to love most.
I was shocked he did that as well. I think his habit of consulting his wife after he’s decided to do something major will be an issue that ends this marriage.
I’d put money on it.
I can’t believe that guy even got one woman honestly
I might be prejudiced, but why is it always that the non conventionally attractive guys turn into a-holes when they get a bit of fame?
What makes you think this guy wasn’t an a-hole before his fame?
And on the other hand, believe me, there are plenty of extremely attractive men who also change after becoming famous.
Looks have nothing to do with any of it.
Well that just ruined the last season of Silicon Valley for me. What an a*shole.
I know what you mean @JAC, Bethenney Frankel has a theory about this as well.
Your point is everything. I’m not terribly well versed in the swinger lifestyle, but one of the keystones seems to be well-established boundaries and iron-clad respect for them. I see the importance of bringing to light the various ways people are married, but his wife deserves a check in before he talks about it. An opposite example is that guy from Supernatural (the one who plays the angel, I’m so sorry supernatural fans I forget who he is) – him and his wife wrote a book about swinging. It was obviously a mutually enjoyable thing.
When it’s mutually enjoyable, barely anyone would raise an eyebrow. This stands out because he’s publicly disrespecting his wife,
I’m all for people having relationships of all types, but this sounds less progressive and more like he’s a total arsehole and she tolerates it. Red flags of boundary stomping everywhere. The actual article is literal proof he does what he wants and seeks forgiveness after the fact. Yuck.
And only wanting something open AFTER they’ve just married?! Come TF on, Bro.
I wish the best for them…. But divorce wouldn’t surprise me.
She’ll probably be out of there after the first STD.
Statistically speaking, women present less satisfaction whilst involved in multiple partner sexuality. Women report more biological vulnerability due to pregnancy mitigation and sexually transmitted infections. Likely her tolerance to his rampant sexuality be construed (by him) as “saving” their “marriage’.
Mollie got BAMBOOZLED! It def sounds like he’s just not letting his marriage interfere w his dating life. And he def should have discussed this w her before they were married. Get out Mollie. U are worth more than this!
That’s how it reads to me too. I hope she finds some power, because he’s giving her NONE.
“We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows.”
He has no respect for her at all. He’s basically saying that she doesn’t want to do this, but he’ll just cheat and lie about it if she doesn’t go along with it. Gross.
Yeah and then he calls her his queen and acts like that erases the fact that he clearly cares about his “needs” and his alone. He’s completely self-absorbed. I hope she reads the article and realizes just how much of a selfish narcissist he is. I’m hoping she’s just been too close to it and the article will open her eyes.
Definitely this. He’s not just saying he’d feel frustrated if he couldn’t sleep with multiple people if his wife wasn’t on board but that he’d just lie and cheat on her.
I know a quite a lot of people in poly and/or swinging relationships. There are only 2 that seem that both/all participants are equally on board. In many it seems like something they do for fear of losing the other person. Oddly in the most obvious of these the person they’ve afraid of losing is a total asshole and (yes Ok this shouldn’t necessarily be a thing but) pretty damn fugly too. I don’t get it at all.
I agree with a lot of these points. A commenter over on Pajiba also made a great point – healthy open marriages may be possible, but it’s suspect when a partner that has experienced a change in wealth and status suddenly becomes an open marriage enthusiast, not to mention trying to be a public face of that community (are swingers as a group even interested to be an organized movement with public faces?). Coupled with his apparent lack of respect for his wife’s privacy (and maybe wishes), I think he just comes off as a manipulative a**pastry.
And the part about his fans wanting to sleep with him and his wife having to ask “where do I fit in?” Oh my God it made me want to vomit. That poor woman. I can’t help but feel like the whole thing is borderline abusive.
Yeah… this isn’t two people who both want to be polyamorous and are negotiating a healthy set of boundaries. This is a douchebag who wants a free pass to cheat, and his wife trying to pretend like it’s all okay. He’s gross, and I hope she values herself enough to kick him to the curb.
Why would you tell an interviewer all this? WHYYYYY? It’s not like he’s providing an accurate representation of how most long-term polyamorous people manage amicable relationships, or busting stereotypes in any way. If anything, he’s reinforcing the (false) stereotype that poly folks are just cheaters looking for approval of their cheating ways. And he even says that his wife is a more private person. No respect for boundaries. Ugh.
Agreed!!! And he even mentions how his wife is a private person.. He seems to have no respect for her. She must feel embarrassed to have this out in public for her family and Friends to see. What a douche bag. Your spouse is supposed to cherish you and make you feel safe. I’ve said it before, you can’t have love without respect. I hope she leaves his ass.
She sounds patient, but I get the feeling (from what he said here) that she had no desire for him to share this.
Is it not enough she said yes? Does he have to also tell people?
The next time I read anything about him, I hope it will be that she’s divorcing his not real attractive a$$.
I don’t get the sense that he cares about her feelings or boundaries at all. He’s the gas, she’s the brakes? To me that means he’s constantly pushing her to accept more and more. She wouldn’t have to be the brakes if he cared about her feelings, he’d be stopping himself.
Read the article on another site and thought the same thing…it sounds like he wanted to fool around and be “sexual” as he said but with other women and this how his wife has copes with it. He mentions how women kinda throw themselves at him now and how cool that is BUT his queen needs to ok it first….poor woman. Leave his a$$ and take half of everything as soon as you can
He’s goofy looking and sounds like a complete tool. She can do better than someone who is going to blab about their sex life to Playboy.
He probably was so excited to be interviewed by playboy as he idolized it growing up. He told everything not caring about his wife because he wanted to brag about all the women throwing themselves at him (which, who are these women??). It’s gross.
MINX 100% with you on all this! I can’t help but just feel so bad for his wife.
Yeah this doesn’t sound like being a swinger (both husband and wife together having sex with another couple or person together).this sounds like he gets permission to sleep with other women. Sounds like he is lying to himself or his wife.
I mean, unless he’s explained it funny? Like, the “where do I fit in?” quote – is that supposed to be him referencing them working out how they will bang this person together? IDK, I had the same reaction you did – he’s saying “swinging” but it sounds more like just an open marriage. Which, fine, but certainly much different in my mind. Swingers swing together. Key parties. All that awesome suburban 70s stuff.
Agreed, dick move.
“My first concern is Mollie. Anything that happens has to be run by the queen.”
really YOUR FIRST CONCERN?
she sounds like a t least distant second to you dude
gross
i would not be surprised if she’s already filing right now
I mean… maybe she knew going into the marriage how he was. Yes, it’s definitely something you should discuss before marriage … but it almost sounds like he thought it wouldn’t be an issue until it was an issue.
There was another quote in the piece that allows me to give him an inch of credit:
“I’m sexual. I’d always thought I was romantic and that when I fall in love, that stuff fades away. It does for some years – enough to be like ‘I should get married, and I’ll be different’ But it’s part of me”
That said … I hope she’s getting it too. And from the other article I had read, it sounds like she goes to swingers clubs as well. It sounds like they’re for the most part going about this AS a couple – not so much wandering dong.
Thanks for the clarification Erin that most of it they do as a couple.
This such bullshit. Almost everyone is sexual. Most people in long term relationships are also attracted to other people now and then, or even all the time. You’re not special dude, you’re just an asshole who thinks what he wants is more important than anything else.
I find this admission of “swinging” (seems more like pre-approved cheating, but whatever…) surprising. I will not find the divorce surprising when it inevitably happens. This is quite strange even if it’s working for them. Nobody talks about swinging. The only instances I’ve ever heard of it are in fictional settings, usually when a couple unknowingly gets involved with swingers and then there are various silly shenanigans. It’s weird to think about as a real life thing.
I thought swinging was something you did with other couples? This just sounds like a pass for him to cheat, or to get his wife involved in threesomes. I don’t get it 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t get it either.
+1 it sounds less like a healthy relationship (which could include swinging) and more like he’s a complete dick. Any sort of sexual kink or fetish should be agreed upon by both and both should be comfortable with it. She doesn’t sound comfortable with it at all. It seems like he feels like it’s OK for him to do whatever he wants because he tells his wife and therefore is absolved of all guilt.
Since his wife has to ask where she fits in, he definitely isn’t taking her feelings into consideration at all.
Yeah, the word that kept coming to mind was UNHEALTHY.
To tell her he wants that AFTER they got married? Ugh. And it really sounds like she’s tolerating it, rather than happy in the situation. It definitely doesn’t feel like a decision they came to mutually. I feel bad for her, especially if she didn’t ok him talking about this publicly.
Same here, I thought swinging was both take an evening off with other partners. And maybe this is just in the movies, but I thought it was a couple exchanging with a couple.
The reality is it’s hard to swing with couples. People are too busy! It’s really hard to find even one person who is respectful of your marriage and privacy that you are also attracted to, nevermind finding one for each of you.
I have a non traditional marriage and know this from experience.
So you do your best to be open and honest and if you value your marriage you place your partner’s concerns above your own. It’s not easy and sometimes there are missteps. But you work through it like any other relationship issue.
I do agree there are red flags with this couple though. The guy seems too selfish about it.
The couple I know belong to a group of like minded individuals that frequent a resort catering to this lifestyle. Most of them are retired, their kids are grown and this is how they spend their vacations or long weekends. My friend told me that it’s not always about having sex but being around like minded friends who they can be open and honest with. With this couple, they swing because the wife wanted to and they’ve been swinging since the early days of their 30+ year marriage.
Being a swinger and being in an open marriage are definitely different things. In both cases though, an immature, emotionally controlling spouse (as this guy seems to be) kinda ruins the whole thing.
i cringed reading that interview. the most important thing about being in the lifestyle and having open boundaries in your marriage is 100% trust and communication and respect. him discussing it without his wife’s consent is humiliating. by his own admission this is an ultimatum he put on her to continue their marriage and it is a constant source of strain. it only saves their marriage because it allows him to go outside of it for sex and otherwise it wouldn’t work FOR HIM. this isn’t about swinging – she obviously isn’t getting any benefits from it as he is describing how she has been coerced into the arrangement. this is about him getting a hall pass and her putting up with it.
i personally have never experienced this but my dear friend’s parents have been in the lifestyle for over 40 years and have an extremely loving, strong marriage. they own three successful businesses one of which is a private lifestyle club, have two great children, many grandchildren and a beautiful life. i have no judgement whatsoever for people who have this arrangement in their relationship. you can have a healthy relationship if both people are participatory and honest. maybe he’s being misrepresented in print but he sounds like a douche bag who has no respect for his wife.
I have friends who swing and they’ve been together 30+ years. As you said, it’s all about trust and communication and unfortunately Thomas doesn’t appear to understand that, I’m betting Thomas doesn’t understand a lot of things.
Your comment nails it.
@Lizzie – thank you for nailing what was bugging me about this more articulately than I could. Yes, exactly. A mutual swinging marriage is about BOTH parties knowing, consenting and respecting each other. This does not sound anything like that. He didn’t tell her before they got married, he didn’t agree with her to go public with it (and he admits he knows she will be unhappy with him), he describes them as ‘constantly arguing’ and that he is ‘gas and she’s brakes’ and it’s all about what he needs. The guy sounds like an utter arsehole.
He really does sound awful, and I agree Lizzie’s comment is spot on. The constantly arguing thing is a huge red flag.
Maybe him putting this out there without her consent will be the final straw for her.
But, is it really swinging if it’s one sided? It just sounds like he’s telling her he wants to be with other women but then keep the comfort and stability of probably someone that loves him and is patient. Two birds, you know? Like there’s nothing about her seeing other guys, it’s just him hooking up with others and just telling her, well I love u so much but I’m inevitably gonna have to go for this so just let me.
Louis theroux did a docuseries and one ep was about polyamory but this type of situation was what we ended up seeing a lot of. One sided “open relationships”. When will people learn that if it’s not mutual it’s not open or considered polyamory. If you’re guilting your partner or doing it when they are obviously not comfortable and pressuring them, it’s not bloody mutual.
That’s the question. I thought swinging involved the couple with someone else or another couple. This sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Personally, this isn’t something for me. However, if it’s consensual more power too you. I feel like maybe she’s allowing this because she wants to keep him. If that’s the case, imo, it’s abusive. Either way, he sounds like a Jackass.
In other articles he talks about them doing this as a unit, and it not being a thing where they’re off on their own. He also talks about the importance of therapy.
Saw that series too, seemed as if only husband could swing not the wife (one couple in particular). He also seems bi-curious.
I don’t think it’s unusual though for a husband who wasn’t very experienced pre-marriage to want to try out his new sexual confidence by swinging and then…screeeech….didn’t realize his wife would be having all the fun.
In this case, sounds like the wife isn’t into swinging, but he may have forgotten she can still fall in love with someone else or outgrow him while he’s off neglecting their marriage.
I’ve seen this one-sided scenario plenty of times. And the relationship almost always falls apart when the “non-participating” partner finally decides that they want to avail themselves of the perks to an open relationship too….
COERCION IS NOT CONSENT.
From the way this is presented, it seems he made this decision after he married her, then said, “I need this or else.” The person receiving that message is in for a world of ‘choices’ that aren’t actually choices, because coercion is not consent.
If you feel forced to go along with a partner’s demands (no matter how charmingly or reasonably they have posed them) it’s not consent, it’s manipulation and people like this don’t take vows, they take hostages.
CONSENT IS EVERYTHING and I want to be very, very clear here: Abuse is not what alternative lifestyles are about. Ever. /End
Note: In the years I’ve been reading along, I’ve never made a comment. Well, I’m parking this one now and I hope it speaks volumes.
I hear you and thank you.
Nice.
Also in the interview, he talks about how he gets a lot of offers because he’s famous:
” Personally, that’s one of the trickier elements of it all, because Mollie doesn’t get that and yet she has to witness it. I’m like, “Come on, what about this chick who’s obviously really into me?” And Mollie will say, “Yeah, she’s into you. Where do I fit in?” That question comes up. There’s a lot of negotiation, and adding fame sometimes makes it easier and sometimes complicates things.”
I’m curious how much Mollie gets to fit in in this arrangement. As the post said, this “swinging” seems more of an excuse for him to have sex with other women.
She’s a beautiful woman, if she made herself available to men, she’d have a lot more of them knocking down her door than he had fans knocking down his. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were the type to suddenly be less enthusiastic about their lifestyle once she started embracing it.
“My first concern is Mollie” lulz sure Jan. Especially the part about where you waited until after being married to demand an open marriage. That’s absolutely putting her first. Eye. Roll.
““Only after I got married was I like, ‘Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.’ ”
Yes, because only after you got famous did women want to f*ck you.
“Also: he’s a total d–k for only telling her he wanted to be a “swinger” AFTER they got married. That’s the sh-t you discuss BEFORE you get married.” Right? This is literally straight out of Succession and it’s no less baffling to me to read about it in real life.
I know people who have been in open relationships and it seems to only work when both people are able to find side pieces in some equal measure. Jealousy and resentment has ultimately wrecked them and this guy’s marriage seems destined for the same fate. He seems to hold all the power, as much as he is trying to insist that his wife has a say. Eek.
I’m all for doing what works for you — and your partner, if you’ve got one — but it doesn’t seem like Mollie is as into this? And as everyone is rightly pointing out, publicly sharing something like this — something she doesn’t seem totally into — is gross. And, YES, talk about this stuff BEFORE marriage. It never came up in the years before? Psssh.
‘we argue about it constantly’ is pretty much all we need to know here. Expecting her to file for divorce in 3…2…1….
Yes! Also, he sprung swinging on her after they married. Messy all over.
Swinging sounds great if both people are into it… this sounds like he was about to step out on the marriage and so she went along with it. That is NOT ok.
He said it “saved” the marriage… meaning that if she wasn’t ok with him passing his dick around then the marriage would have been over.
I had a friend in this exact situation. She convinced herself she was ok with the “swinging”, which only came about after marriage, for about two years and then she ended up in a realllllly bad way with her mental health, and then the marriage fell apart.
This is not a couple who mutually enjoy an open marriage and a swinging lifestyle. To me this is a woman trying to go along with something to keep her marriage, and when it comes to sex and fidelity that is not fair to her.
This puts me in the mood to share a karma (it’s what’s for breakfast) story. I had a friend in a similar situation. I was friends w/ the couple. They weren’t getting married, but buying a home together – their first. One evening, she pulled me aside and near tears, told me that he wanted an open relationship saying “You’ll get to date other people, too”. She told him she did not want to date other people. She wanted to back out, but they were weeks from closing on the house. Backing out would have cost her several $$ dollars for her share of the earnest money. Both were recent grads, she had student loans. (Years later, I felt he purposely did this). But she went along with it, closed on the house, moved in, but never seemed at peace with it.
Some time later, her company gave her a promotion w/ a position in the PNW. They both decided it was a good financial opportunity for her, & bonus: she loves the great outdoors,. And though it was unspoken, transitioning to LDR might help her manage this imbalance in their relationship. It seemed to work – he went up to visit her that 1st year & they took a summer holiday in Alaska.
2nd year, she meets someone – a great guy. There’s a phone call, “I’m not coming back. I’m getting married. Make plans to sell the house or buy out my equity.” I flew up to attend the wedding, he declined, but *seemed* okay with it. Years later, I ran into him at a party. And over time (and a few beers). he was clearly *wasn’t* okay with it.
First of all, in all honesty, I have no clue who he is, but I can say he seems very full of himself. Second, maybe I’m being naive, but how can swinging help your marriage? Isn’t that considered cheating?
The couple I know who swing don’t consider it cheating because they aren’t hiding anything from one another, they aren’t lying and saying they had to work late, they are very open and honest with each other. Another thing that they tell me is that they swing more in group settings, at parties or lifestyle retreats where everyone is there to swing and not in situations where one partner is off having sex with a stranger while the other partner sits at home.
@Harla:
Thank you! Now I have some idea how it works. I’m definitely not down with any of that, because I’m the jealous type, so I would never agree to that. But, if it works for others, that’s cool.
Wow. Sounds like a self obsessed a-hole
Love it!!! I agree with you 100%
“I’m the gas, she’s the brakes.” What.A.Total.Sleaze. The few couples I’ve known that have been swingers, ALL are now divorced and one person in each relationship always left the other for one of their swinging partners. It might work for some, but it has never worked for anyone I personally know. I just get the perception that he is an extremely selfish person. They fight about it constantly? Yet it saved their marriage? Sounds like this marriage is all about HIS needs.
Yea, I used to know a bunch of people who were swingers, they were all friends of my ex actually. They all had a lot of drama, issues with jealousy, and over time all the relationships imploded. I also have to say that all the guys were nerdy tech dudes who had no social skills. Many of them admitted they had no social life in high school, and then as adults they made good money, and just went crazy when they could get laid.
Yeah, this is a guy who likes to cheat and his wife is tolerating it, for now and probably suffering. The giveaway is the part where he talks about sleeping with fans and she is not down with it at all. He’s not evolved and open, he’s just another dick who wants to have his cake and eat it.
+1
I wonder what the divorce rate us for swingers versus non-swingers. Odds are this is the more likely scenario, man wants to sleep around, woman reluctantly agrees to keep man happy but secretly would prefer to be the only woman in his life. Blah
Wow, I did not see that for this guy. I hope her next partner is a real doll. Seems like she deserves it.
Niiice, he waited until after they were married to say they were in different places and he was tired of “scurrying in the shadows” aka having affairs. So, with a therapist’s help he openly has sexual relationships and she just does her usual routine and doesn’t care? But kind of does care.
I couldn’t do it. I could better understand if it went both ways, but this sounds like he’s a cheater who wanted an open marriage so HE wouldn’t bail, not a swinger couple.
I’m a pretty open-minded person but the idea of swinging or non-monogamy within a marriage confuses me. Why get married at all if you aren’t committed to being faithful? I just don’t get it. And I find it very telling that it sounds like HE is the own swinging- which isn’t swinging at all. Because being swingers means BOTH partners have affairs. This seems pretty one-sided to me. And the fact that he waited until she has committed to him legally before dropping this on her is really emotionally and psychologically manipulative. He’s gross.
I think it’s less about “faithfulness” and more about sexual desire. Couples could decide that their bond and their sense of faithfulness isn’t about who you have sex with and rules about how involved someone gets with a sexual partner. I would be open to swinging but those would be my rules, it has to only be about sex and it cannot get emotional. And I don’t want to know. I think I have the wherewithal to keep it physical but I’ve never broached the subject with my husband and I like many of you think it’s unfair to do so now. I’m not uncontrollable but our sexual needs are very different but not a deal breaker. He’s the sum of his parts, not just this one area.
I disagree. Because marriage IS about faithfulness and monogamy. It’s literally the entire point of the institution. If people want to be with other partners why not simply be in a long term open relationship??
@Valiantly Varnished
Marriage is what you make of it. That is what marriage means to you. Some people only get married for taxes or money, etc. Mutual benefits (whether love or faithfulness is involved at all). There are so many benefits and protections associated with marriage in the United States…..
The original point of marriage was to make alliances and gain prestige–land, money, etc. For centuries, poor people didn’t even have marriage licenses or ceremonies particularly. If they lived together, they were considered to be married. Sometimes they had a small ceremony to mark that, but it was nothing “official” or under the church, per se. Even in Regency England, you could legally sell/swap your wife in the market just because you wanted to.
@VV
I would say, marriage is about the commitment to spend and build a life together. About the person I want to see when I wake up, about sharing sucesses und helping through difficulties. The person I want to ask in years how his day was.
Marriage is about so much more than physical fidelity.
I agree with you Beyonce_PadThai, VirgiliaCoriolanus and lara, marriage is much more than just physical fidelity. My husband and I discussed the idea of opening up the marriage further down the line. Personally, I am able to remove emotion from sex in a way my husband cannot so it may never be possible but I feel in order to have a successful long term relationship you need to be open to at least discussing sex and what it means and how it factors in. That being said, this guy sounds like a total jerk and I feel for his wife.
I hear you. I’m curious why so many people think it’s unfair to bring up after the marriage, as long as it’s broached in an open and non-manipulative way. Like you said, you think you could handle it but also you are okay not doing it. Why would that be so bad to say to one’s spouse (assuming of course your relationship is healthy and you feel they would at least listen without panicking)? I’m not saying this guy did that it sounds like he basically demanded it and also they haven’t been together that long – but I’m talking about a hypothetical situation when you’ve been together for a long time and feel solid but you have realized your sexual desires are not aligning. Isn’t that a healthy thing to discuss?
I knew a couple who decided to have an open marriage. Rules were sex with others was ok as long as there was no emotional attachment. It worked well until the husband got emotionally involved and left the marriage for another woman. It’s a slippery slope and in my opinion hard to avoid emotional feelings if the sex is ongoing for any length of time
I thought the same thing. Why get married? Because in my mind marriage is about monogamy.
Sounds like she married him thinking the same thing but after a few years he broke to her that wasn’t what he wanted! Open marriage isn’t for me BUT be sure and tell you spouse that’s what they are signing up for before they say I do
@Virgilia what you are describing is the WESTERN and European history of marriage.
and only very recent history at that. Crack open a bible and you’ll run out of fingers to count the amount of polygamist marriages there are lol
how short our memories really are, right?
Out of curiosity, is there another historical tradition that you feel represents your description?
Even in western traditions, the fidelity of women was about their status as chattel and the regulation of inheritance rights.
@Piptopher I am Muslim. And in the Qur’an Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was allowed multiple wives because he was basically financially responsible for all of them. Some of them he was married to in name only to provide for them. In the Qur’an it states that a man can have more than one wife IF he is capable of taking care of them and even then it is stated that one wife is best as it takes away any confusion or drama that may occur. It’s one of the main reasons why polygamy is frowned upon in modern Islam. Because it’s practically impossible to do successfully.
And I would never describe what this guy is doing as being in the same vein as that. He basically lied to his wife and I have a feeling if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn’t be thinking so philosophically about it.
And? We are talking about a Western, “modern” marriage. I agree with you that this guy is a jerk. I’ve seen a few documentaries on “alternative” lifestyles e.g. polyamorous relationships and swinging. In about 75-85% of the couples, it was the man who introduced it, and the woman who went along with it because she wanted to keep the relationship for some reason. I think that is abusive/manipulative behavior because they are springing it on them after they are in a relationship, and not have that as part of the discussion.
Otherwise, I think marriage is what you make of it. If fidelity is important, then that is part of your marriage. But there are a lot of benefits to getting married, and then there is also the cultural aspect (at least in the US/West).
@Virgilia your comment was about the history of marriage. My point is what you described is NOT the history of marriage for the majority of the rest of the world.
The history of marriage for most of the world is that it was an arrangement made by families exchanging their daughters life and restricting their option and sexuality for the benefit of societal and religious regulation. You haven’t suggested anything that dispute her original point at all.
This story isn’t about that. It’s about today, now, in LA.
The historical aspect of my comment was meant to hint at how “marriage” was considered as something that is decided between a couple (e.g. mainly poor people in the past)…….and how it truly wasn’t regulated unless there was money/land/titles/prestige attached to it.
And now that’s different. But historically, marriage was not about monogamy (at least not on the part of the man) or fidelity–it was an exchange. Fidelity only mattered on the part of the woman (beyond sexism, slut shaming, etc) because of heirs. Which is also why historically for many different cultures/societies (and even some today), the matrilineal line matters way more.
aka…….marriage is what you decide. Marriage is basically defined as you declaring to the government that you are together and somewhat co-mingling finances. In return, you get benefits and protections, particularly regarding property ownership and insurance. None of any of that has to do with fidelity or monogamy. It can/and usually does.
This is not swinging and if I was part of the swinging community I would not want this guy as a spokesperson. He’s a cheater who demands his wife accept that he’s having plenty of sex on the side or the marriage is over. I hope she dumps his ass.
10 bucks says that if she actually went out and hooked up with another guy, Thomas would feel his masculinity threatened and turn all possessive of her.
Yeah, I thought the same thing especially if the other guy is better looking or more…you know 🙂
What a shithead. I’m predicting divorce in 10, 9, 8… Come on honey we have to get nontraditional here?!!! I’ve got crazy needs, and you’re just not enough??? F@ck him. No pun intended. If both want this lifestyle, great! Swing from rafters. But what I read sounds one-sided, immature and extremely presumptuous. She needs Liam, and he can hook up with Miley after she dismounts her wrecking ball looking for the next thing.
Sounds like he told his wife he needs to cheat or they can’t be married and she is putting up with it. I’d nope right out of that one.
It seems like the arrangement is working for him and Mollie thus far. He like more sex and she likes less. They have an open relationship and she has to approve the side chicks. Apparently to be approved the flings should not have a connection. BUT…all it takes is that one person and it all goes down hill. Or maybe not. To them, perhaps they are friends,attracted to each other and marriage could be that contract to ensure financial stability and they are fine with that. Shrugs
I don’t think it’s working for them if they “argue about it constantly” and she’s asking where she fits in.
Not to mention that he told her this after they got married, and is not speaking publicly without her consent.
It’s working for them because Mollie is still with him. If she leaves then it’s a dealbreaker for her but until then all we know is they are a married couple with an arrangement and disagree like all couples do. He may have loose lips but again she stays. It’s a sort of Howard Sternesque type relationship where she knows and accepts how he is.
I don’t know, plenty of people stay in a non-working relationship out of fear, obligation, many reasons. Just the way he’s talking about it, she sounds unhappy. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s my take on it so far.
His wife is cute. I really don’t see how people swing or have open relationships, honestly it just seems like more of a chore than monogamy. There’s the constant setting of rules and what’s okay and what’s not okay, if you choose to get married or commit to one person, it just sounds easier to have one rule: no sleeping with other people. Or if you’re so sexual and want to be able to sleep around until the end of the time, wouldn’t it be easier to just not get married.
wow, this guy is a grade-A asshole. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and couldn’t be bothered to figure that out BEFORE getting married. Sorry but this is just gross. It sounds like his wife has just gone along with this and isn’t really passionate about that lifestyle herself, and that feels wrong. Guys like him just shouldn’t get married, obviously.
He comes across like a totally narcissistic dickhead. He told her after they were already married? Yeah, that’s reasonable. Just reading what he says about the situation make me cringe. It’s so one sided. She’s clearly been coerced into going along with this. Sorry but the guy’s not attractive, is a deluded tool who thinks that he’s super famous and he’s disrespecting her again by talking about this without her permission. Why would she want to stay married to him? It’s glaringly obvious that he has no respect for his wife or her feelings. It’s all about him. I’d be in the F you, I’m done camp for sure with this loser.
At what point do we go from “celebrities being honest with the public” to “too much information”? Not trying to sound like an ass, I’m genuinely asking where the line gets drawn. Cause there’s plenty of times when celebs say stuff that they should’ve kept to themselves. Not everything needs to be blasted out to the world at every opportunity.
+1,000,000!! Thank you for this!!
This isn’t swinging. This is a non monogamous relationship where he’s basically said I need to bang other people and she said, well, I guess.
So good luck to them and all…
Exactly
Verizon Wireless cancels contract in 10 … 9 ..
Wait this is the Verizon guy?? I was trying to place him. He has an utterly punchable face and now I understand why
I don’t care if people swing, not my business and they’re all consenting adults BUT he sounds like he’s terrible at communicating and he just dropped this on her after they got married?? Wtf? That’s horrible. Hopefully she’s a) actually comfortable with this and not just pushing herself because she doesn’t want to lose him and b) getting some too, because that wasn’t very clear.
Time to ditch this Middle, girl.
Ugh. This guy. Is he actually famous enough to have fans?
Tells her after they are married.
Controlling bs artist who cheats on his wife and then tries gaslighting her with his bs.
Save yourself woman, do not waste anymore time on him.
His wife is out of his league. It’s gross that game makes him attractive to some women because honestly I think he looks like a nose picker whose only diet is chicken nuggets with ketchup.
What. A. Turd.
Where I live, years back, a little girl was kidnapped from her bedroom and killed by her neighbor. The girl’s parents were swingers and used their basement for their activities. Supposedly he’d been watching and at one point was rebuffed as a potential participant.
So yeah, I find the whole concept twisted and unhealthy. Someone is gonna get hurt, physically and/or emotionally. I’ll bet the kids of swingers don’t feel a lot of pride in knowing that their parents don’t find each other sufficient.
your comment is insane. truly.
being swingers caused their daughter to be murdered? i mean – i can’t. i’m sure this is a true story but obviously if a peeping tom capable of murder has nothing to with what type of sex people have in the privacy of their own home. nothing. not one thing.
Lizzie, I didn’t say that being swingers caused their daughter’s death. But it set in motion a series of events that resulted in the violent death of their daughter. Obviously the fault was entirely with the murderer.
Actions have consequences and there are often innocent and unintended victims.
Things like that happen to people who aren’t swingers quite a bit though: Entitled Man wants woman, gets rejected, responds with violence.
Other Renee – going to the grocery store could set in motion a series of events that resulted in the violent death of someone’s daughter. i think you need to worry about what goes on in your bedroom and stay out of everyone else’s. this is victim blaming run a muck.
He sounds like a selfish cad. He waited until they were married to throw this at her. It sounds like she just allows it after discussion. He seems very selfish
This sounds less like swinging and more like “hey babe I love you but I need to bang other people.” Because it sounds like she doesn’t do that? Uh…he sounds like an a-hole.
I know Swinging..
He’s not a Swinger…
He’s a cheater who wanted to cheat with impunity….
Yep, yep.
LALA, this was my exact thought!
I don’t even know who these people are but I’m so skeeved out by an interview that both patronizes and laughingly disrespects his wife. Run, Mollie!
He’s not a swinger. He’s just a jerk who doesn’t have the self-awareness to know that and can’t help bragging.
‘F–k you, I’m out.
I’m really not sure why everyone here infers that he’s a jerk. Perhaps he doesn’t want to speak for her side of the relationship? We really only have what he actually said to go on and there aren’t really red flags of disrespect anywhere. Maybe everyone is just not as open-minded as they think? Once you get used to the concept and see that these relationships can be healthy, you aren’t automatically looking for the man to be taking advantage of his partner (obviously only speaking for straight relationships and that “traditional” gender dynamic).
IMO the whole interview is riddled with red flags. Suddenly women are paying attention to him and his wife is supposed to go along with it—to keep this guy who is no great prize.
It’s not about the sex at all. It’s about his springing it on her after they married and changing the apparent terms of it unilaterally. It’s about his apparent lack of inclusion of her in his activities. It’s about his disclosure that they argue about all the time. And, it’s about his LOL that she would read his violation of her privacy in the media and not like it, but he was doing it anyway….
Did we read the same thing? Cause I saw so many red flags I thought I was in Soviet Russia.
😂😂😂
Yes! Red Flag City.
That sort of thing is not for me, but I’m all for consenting adults doing as they please. But like skeptical said, it’s all the other stuff he mentioned, especially the fighting about it, that is the problem here.
Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t feel that bad for Mollie. He waited until they were married, yes, to tell her this. She had the opportunity to get out! The onus shouldn’t be on her, he’s a total dickhead. But she’s choosing (for now) to stay with him and put up with him, and that’s on her. He’s disgusting, but I think she needs to leave if she’s so unhappy.
But she didn’t choose to have him broadcast it publicly…..
“it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows”
Omg, I feel so bad for this poor man! Being forced to have affairs in his wife’s back?! How awful! What pain he must have felt…
This phrasing alone tells me he was def emotionally abusive about making her “accept” this.
Gross all around. I hope she shames him and leaves him.
Basically, he tricked her and gaslighted her. Waited until the vows were said and then sprung this on her. He knew she wouldn’t leave because they just got married. Question: how does it save your marriage if it’s something you continuously fight about? Sounds like he is just openly cheating on her.
How is he gaslighting her?
I kind of feel she’s getting some revenge out out of the way she dresses him….
So many red flags: (1) They were together for 3 years before they married but he didn’t bring up swinging until AFTER they married; (2) It’s a source of a lot of their arguments; (3) She has to constantly ask how she fits in when he brings up the idea of sleeping with another woman when it should be HIS first thought; and (4) He didn’t talk to her first before exposing their lifestyle in Playboy. He has boundary, communication, and sensitivity issues and their divorce seems inevitable.
I read the article and he makes it clear they do everything as a unit, and it certainly doesn’t sound like he is the only one getting to have all of the fun. I don’t judge this, they’re both consenting adults and clearly the lifestyle appeals to them. I will say that the constant arguments about it sound like a red flag, and I can’t imagine she is appreciative of all the headlines this has made. If he were more considerate, I am sure this could be a perfectly fine arrangement as lots of people have been making it work for centuries.
What an asshole! I just couldn’t believe what I was reading and, btw, he’s not articulate at all. His wife is completely out of his league, he should be thanking the old gods and the new she’s putting up with his bullshit because once his show is over, those adoring ‘fans’ of his will vanish.
I’ve known a few swingers and this isn’t it. The people I knew always operated as a COUPLE. It sounds like he gets to fuck women and she gets to watch him fuck women. Lucky her.
He sounds like a guy who wants to screw around on his wife and has found a way to coerce her into going along. He also sounds like a homely guy who suddenly has a lot of women interested in him and he thinks it’s because he’s so cute (trust me dude, it’s not). I’m sure his wife supported his loser ass in the lean years and is reluctant to walk away now that things are going well.
When she finally grabs some self-respect and kicks his pathetic ass to the curb, I hope she uses this interview as Exhibit A in the divorce. And, hey loser, when your show gets cancelled (and it will), try getting a gig when potential producers know you can’t be trusted to keep your yap shut.
He is a tool and I hope she gets everything in the inevitable divorce.
Swinging, otherwise known as cheating.
Sounds like a real selfish loser, who somehow lucked out and married out of his league, later got popular and now wants to validate his insecure ego by sleeping with groupies.
She’s the queen, but she’s also the brakes? Both of those positions sound awful, especially since they’re both lies. You don’t make someone tolerate a situation if they’re really a queen. And how awful to be shoved into the position of being the brakes, pretty much means you can’t figure out who you’d be if you weren’t so busy reinforcing boundaries he’s incapable of respecting. (Also, if he finds all the maintenance and communication in an open marriage to be such a pain, I’d posit he doesn’t really want to be married. And I’m not sure what the payoff is for her. No one is worth that crap-on-a-stick.)
I will never, EVER understand how schtupping other people “saves” a marriage or a relationship. If you want to do that, be single. Ugh. Horny, greedy, selfish bastard.
And…btw….
Swinging is SUPPOSED TO BE BETWEEN COMMITTED COUPLES!!!!
I DESPISE what’s happened to the scene of the last few decades….
Follow up “humble” clarification/back pedalling in 3, 2, 1…
Oh hell no! Mollie, girl you need to dump this turd, learn to love yourself more and then find a real man. This guy is a pig.
Yeah. He sounds like a total mess. And no cheating never saves a relationship. Neither does having an open relationship or swinging. You should already have successful relationship before trying to open it up or swing if that’s your thing. Otherwise you are likely just doing those things precisely because you’re not in a good relationship but are trying to hang on to it and that person for whatever reason while having the freedom to sleep with other people.
Mollie! You in danger, girl! (I had to do it)
Agree with other commenters that said he’s a boundary stomper. He should’ve talked to her about what he wants from this marriage prior to actually getting married. I ha e a feeling he’s probably become a massive douche after getting some fame, similar to how Chris Pratt after getting in shape. I think she’ll probably reconsider this relationship the more this playboy article is referenced.
“he’s probably become a massive douche after getting some fame”
I had the same thought. Looked at IMDB. They got married a year BEFORE Silicon Valley debuted. He had done plenty of work before that show, but I think that was his big break out. So it would make perfect sense that this doofy looking guy started getting a lot of attention AFTER he was married…due to his show. And perhaps he is frustrated that when he was single, he didn’t get that attention and “missed out.” I feel like perhaps THAT is why he asked for an open situation AFTER marriage, as opposed to before. (not that it is any less rotten )
He seems like a complete prick. Swinging is just fine if everyone involved is into it, but this reads differently. Mollie certainly has the ability to leave, but her having a choice doesn’t negate his dickishness at all.
“They got married a year BEFORE Silicon Valley debuted.”
That certainly adds some context!
‘Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.’ = He is cheating, and she feels powerless to stop it or leave.
What an a$$hole.
«But when it comes to fans wanting to sleep with him and how that affects Gates, Middleditch admitted it’s a slippery slope. “That’s one of the trickier elements of it all, because Mollie doesn’t get that and yet she has to witness it. I’m like, ‘Come on, what about this chick who’s obviously really into me?’ And Mollie will say, ‘Yeah, she’s into you. Where do I fit in?’»
lmao i don’t believe for a second that she doesn’t get any offers. And it sounds like it’s all about him, and his needs and wants. I’m sure she could find someone else.
I grew up on a free love commune, and am now in a monogamous marriage, but live in a very liberal town and I’m a family lawyer…so I feel like I cover a lot of ground :). To your point that you think he’s an asshole for only mentioning his preference after the marriage, I don’t necessarily think that is fair. For a lot of people they go into their marriages with nothing but rose coloured glasses on for their spouse and this can and does wane, such that they seek the sizzle elsewhere. Ultimately, this is for them to figure out so I don’t give two shits what they do; however, my ire gets raised when there are kids involved because I see the devastation that this lifestyle imposes on the kids. I saw/see it with the kids that grew up in my former community. I see it in the marriages/divorces in my town. People say they keep this separate from their children, but this is never true. Children always find out the truth and then the damage is done.
Seems like he is douch who just wants to sleep around and then to come home to a wife after that. I don’t find an ounce of respect for his wife from him. The only question is why is she still around?
The wife is extra pretty. He seems like a typical self absorbed creative type. Yuck. Just one or two of those quotes sound like “and you are sharing all this, sans wife, with Playboy ..because?”
But he really goes on and on, shut up. Theres not a single thing he says that makes it sound like swinging is a mutual thing they wanted.
Just sounds like hes bragging about all the women who want him. I dont understand women putting up with men like this. Actually what am I saying I do, because I used to. Love can make you tolerate all kinds of foolishness.
“Just one or two of those quotes sound like “and you are sharing all this, sans wife, with Playboy ..because?”
My guess is “because then everyone will know he is free game and he might get even MORE ass thrown at him.”
“I don’t know how much I can say. I don’t want my wife to be mad at me.”
She is another Melanie Trump as far as I can tell.
I have no sympathy for this guy’s “wife” either.
Swingers, sweetie, I’m so sorry that this trifling a** man has appropriated your lifestyle to excuse his desire and need to cheat on his wife.
Mollie, leave his a** or take the opportunity to “swing” around to some better men on his dime.
swingers are weird
All I feel is so sorry for her.
This doesn’t necessarily characterize swinging. This is polyamory. I know people who are polyamorous.There are mega rules. The way this is represented, it sounds like he is the only one engaging in sex outside the marriage. She might be as well. A lot of sympathy here thrown Mollie’s way, some unwarranted, some not. She may be abused and in the grip of a narc. It’s very hard to get away from a narc. If she’s not, then she’s choosing to be there, in the marriage, and choosing to be standing by while he has wandering dong. Maybe she wanders too. Who knows?
Honestly, I don’t care what other couples do. I’m more about honesty than anything. At least he’s honest…….about his, as ChumpLady.com likes to say, want for CAKE.
My sole bone to pick is he discussed his private life publicly without his wife’s consent. That’s super garbage. And insight into the rest of their union…
Then why get married? If you absolutely HAVE to be with other people as a requirement to be married and feel that’s the way to maintain one’s marriage then why enter marriage? This guy is an ass, especially for divulging details of his marriage seemingly without his wife’s consent. This marriage won’t last.
What a reprehensible d-bag. I’d like to see him swinging….from his testicles.
Lmaoooo
Dude why are you even married then? If you can’t respect your wife enough to keep it in your pants, then you don’t deserve her. You basically forced her in to “swinging” but I’m guessing she doesn’t sleep with other men, you only sleep with other women. F*ck that sh*t. Divorce his ass and do better !
Those blue pants aren’t doing him any favors.
Nothing is doing him any favors.
He’s an asshole. He literally said she “doesn’t get it”, is worried. I don’t know much about swingers but I thought both parties are into this debauchery while here I only see that he wants to sleep with other women. He told her too late.
HE EMBARASSED HER by giving this interview.
Playboy still exists???
Just – gross.
Yeah, BEFORE could not be over emphasized. It might help also to stfu about this to the public. Her mom doesn’t want to read about it. He sounds like an immature dick-weed to be honest. And I agree with comments above–why bother getting married except to put a “reserved’ sign on his wife while he’s still running around like a Bro. Doesn’t he have a publicist that shoulda stepped in and stopped this? Maybe he is campaigning for some new slutty-dude role?
men are just disgusting, they are deceitful, liars, one sided priks. Women go along with it just to be a fun wife in order to get love and affection, changing their natural looks in order to keep their man. I used to live for my ex by being easy going an accepting to all his trips while unable to get in contact with him. he always had what sounded a valid excuse, to later being dumped over the phone after 12 years married. I felt so brokenhearted, and dismissed like yesterday’s trash, I got into two relationships always with the same feeling of being duped by pathological, cheating men. I see men as the downfall of women, most women in emotional pain has a man attached. Men are only good to reproduce or give pleasure and that is it.