Criminal met up with tacky and then took a detour to stupid in order to bring us this story: Lucy Roberts worked for one year as the manager of a jewelry store in northeastern England, during which time she replaced inventory with fakes and kept the real treasures for herself. She left that job on her own, not as the result of being fired, and sometime later went on holiday aboard a cruise ship. Where she snapped photos of herself wearing the stolen jewelry. And then posted the selfies on social media. And also sent them in direct messages to her former colleagues… from the very store she stole from. So upon her return to merry old England, Lucy acquired some more jewelry, a matching set to wear around her wrists: handcuffs, when police arrested her at the airport. Now Ms. Roberts has been convicted of jewelry theft for approximately 260 pieces estimated to be worth $170,000, which earned her a prison sentence of 28 months. So for the next two years she’ll be Lucy in the slammer without diamonds.

Lucy Roberts, 39, was convicted of stealing more than £124,000 worth of jewelry and cash from a luxury store that she previously managed, according to Humberside Police in northeastern England, where the scheme took place. The haul included diamonds, gold and silver pieces, with the total value of stolen items equating to around $170,000.

Police said Roberts acquired the costly accessories during her tenure at the jewelry shop, when she would take items home with her and tell suspicious colleagues that she was just “sorting stock” for the store at her residence.

Roberts left her job at the store after a year as its manager, police said. Then, from a cruise ship, she sent selfies to her former coworkers that pictured her wearing luxury jewels, which staff did not believe she’d purchased.

“Without a care in the world, dripping in diamonds, thinking she had deceived everybody, Roberts arrogantly posed on social media and sent pictures boasting to her ex-colleagues about the great time she was having on holiday, not thinking they would realise what she had been doing,” said Sgt. Krista Wilkinson, a detective with Humberside Police, in a statement.

A police investigation found that Roberts had falsified stock inventory and made fraudulent returns to the store, prompting a search of her home where some stolen jewelry was found. More than 260 items were discovered “strewn around in boxes beneath the bed and in cupboards,” Humberside Police said.

Officers arrested Roberts at Heathrow Airport in London when she returned from the cruise. According to police, she was wearing stolen jewels, and more were found in her suitcase. They said body-worn camera footage showed Roberts at the airport attempting to remove and dispose of her jewelry.

[From CBS News]

Well done to all who brought Lucy Roberts to account; the sleuthing Sherlocks who gathered all the (blatantly obvious) clues in the photos (sent directly to them) and solved the (lack of) mystery. To be clear, the only person I’m making fun of here is the criminal herself. Based on the actions she took post-heist, I’m seriously wondering if actually, she wanted to be caught. In general, I would advise against posting pictures of oneself with stolen baubles. But then to send those pictures to coworkers from the jewelry store?! I’d say, “what were you thinking,” but recognize there’s an assumption inherent in that question. Instead I’ll put forth this query: who takes their most valuable jewelry on vacation?! Let alone HEAPS of it? I mean amongst those of us not (yet) obscenely wealthy with security entourage in tow. I guess Lucy still gets to say that diamonds are forever — forever in those damning selfies! But really folks, at what point must we concede that “selfie” is in fact short for self–destructive?

PS — For even more diamond puns, I refer you to the Humberside Police website for their own reporting on this incident. Whoever is tasked with drafting their communications is a gem.

Stock photo by Artem Podrez on Pexels. Not actual image.