Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise perform “Whatever Lola Wants” for charity

Oh. Dear. God. This is one of the funniest, most uncomfortable, ridiculous videos ever. The setting: the “A Fine Romance” fundraiser for The Motion Picture and Television fund in New York on Saturday. The event: Katie Holmes singing and dancing “Whatever Lola Wants” and treating Tom Cruise as her hyper-choreographed love/dance slave.

This is whole thing is too good not to over-analyze, so let’s get started:

0:24 Holy crap, I think Katie is singing live. And she sounds terrible.

0:34 Katie does a cute little mini-almost-vadge-flash as she struts over to Tom, who is rushing to his mark.

0:40 Tom gives the performance of a lifetime as he pretends he’s okay with Katie running her fingers through his hair. When she does this at home, he slaps her hand and yells “BITCH, DON’T TOUCH IT.”

0:45 Yep, this bitch was totally choreographed, including when Tom would turn his head dramatically, in time with the music. For all we know, he was the one who choreographed it.

0:49 When Katie gets close to flashing Tom her vadge, he looks away. Poor Tom. You can look at it, honey, The Vadge won’t eat you. Also, poor Katie!

0:59 Oooh! She flashed him again and he forced himself to look! He stared at The Vadge with intensity, as if he needed to figure out what wire to cut so he wouldn’t detonate the damn thing.

1:10 Chuckle. Now that he got a good look at The Vadge, he’s trying to get away from It.

1:20 Worst. Stunt. Ever. It was like Katie was throwing a limp fish. Operative word: limp. Operative word: fish.

1:25 Tom is really comfortable on all fours, huh?

1:39 God, Katie is really terrible dancer. It wouldn’t be so bad if she was just like, “Hey, I’m having fun, it’s not like I’m really into this.” But she thinks she’s amazing.

2:00 Okay, this last part is actually kind of cute. I like how Tom “gives in”. It’s kind of sweet and you can tell they probably had a lot of fun working on this.

2:40 Sweet hug. God, she’s so tall. I guess Tom doesn’t have any lift dress shoes or lift dance shoes. Only his poor white lift sneakers.

Golden Globes party hosted by T Magazine and Dom Perignon - Los Angeles


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54 Responses to “Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise perform “Whatever Lola Wants” for charity”

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  1. I should be working says:

    KAISER! Dammit, now everyone is asking what I’m laughing at. I’ll tell everyone… but ‘I really should be working’ right now. I love reading your stories, you are effin’ HElarryOUS 🙂

  2. Kaiser says:


  3. Dee says:

    LMAO! I’ve been reading CB since forever but had never commented before, but I just had to. This is one of the funniest pieces I’ve ever read! Bless little Tommy’s cotton socks.

  4. blah says:

    the hate for these two is out of control. i’ve never seen anything like that. it’s character assassination and i am starting to feel sorry for them. they just did a little dance for charity. it was sweet.

  5. whatevs says:

    Gag me with a spoon. Can someone please tell me what “talent” this girl has? Cause it sure as hell ain’t singing, dancing, or acting. And I can’t stand that gross baby voice thing she does.

  6. Carrie says:

    Laughed so loud that I scared the cat! Seriously, this is GOOD!

  7. Sumodo1 says:

    Tom? No. Eye. Contact. Ever.

  8. Anna says:

    Like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. Unbearable, but fascinating.

    Also: best over-analysis ever. Tom really did look uncomfortable the whole time and boy oh boy is Katie a bad dancer. None of those skirt ruffling, flipping moves were even remotely in the vicinity of sexy.

  9. buellblaster says:

    Sweet bajeebus! She sounds like she has Tom’s gerbil stuck up her hiney. Why Joey? Why?

  10. javagirl1 says:

    Oh she’s not that bad!

  11. WTF?!? says:

    That was actually pretty cute.
    She could be proud of that performance on any respectable community theater stage in the country (and no, I don’t mean that bitchy, despite the fact that, upon re-reading it, it sure does sound that way).
    It was more than passable, and she committed 100% to it, I’ll give her that. Kind of reminds me of when Princess Di learned that dance routine for Charles’ birthday.
    And it was for charity, people, fercrissakes, give the ‘Bots a break!

    I’m just shocked Tom let her wear heels.

  12. LolaBella says:

    Kaiser: I raise my half empty Margarita glass to you. You outdid yourself with this post!

    Best line ever: ‘He stared at The Vadge with intensity, as if he needed to figure out what wire to cut so he wouldn’t detonate the damn thing.’

    I’m still laughing. 🙂

  13. Eileen Yover says:

    ROTFL! Kaiser I almost spit my wine out reading about his intense bomb(Vadge) diffusing! Freaking hilarious!

  14. daisyfly says:

    I’ve only got one complaint: Not enough use of the word “Amazing”. Kate, in true form, would be showing her “amazing” vadge, while Tom would be staring at the “amazing” wires to cut because otherwise, that “amazing” IEVD (improvised explosive vadge device) is gonna explode.

    Oh, and whatever LOLA wants…Katie wishes her name was Lola right about now, because heaven (or is it Xenu?) knows she’s got to go through 3 audits and a purification cleanse before she even gets to think about what she wants.

  15. flourpot says:

    I’ve seen/heard worse. It was cute.

  16. Schnauzers!!!! says:

    I guess I’m the only person who found that totally cute? (Yeah, the baby voice was a little annoying, but…it was cutesy..)
    They (she) obviously put a lot of work into it for charity, and they look happy, so that’s good right?

  17. andrea says:

    i found tom to be more entertaining in this than katie. i thought he had some cute/funny expressions and body language and i like how he didnt know what the hell to do with his left hand after the dip at the hand so just kind of whipped it out in a halfhearted jazz hand.

    i dont think it was meant to be a serious “performance”, just passable fun silliness. also, didnt nicole and keith do a song and dance thing for some event that got them god press? anyone think tomkat was trying to go there? who can out-cute-silly-perform-as an-arent we adorable-couple the other?

  18. char says:

    aww. i thought it was sweet, tom was nervous. give it a break. How many people could really get up and do that? stop hating, just realize that they are successful cause they try something that pushes them every day. They ARE successful people . . .

  19. RHONYC says:

    she’s as sultry as a hair-clogged bathtub drain.


  20. bellaluna says:

    Awesome over-analysis, Kaiser! LOL!

  21. McMe says:

    I don’t know why these two make me so uncomfortable….

  22. Charlie Dia says:

    I remember when she sang on “Dawson’s Creek” and that shit was awful. AND pre-recorded! Compared to this and considering it’s while she’s dancing, she’s actually pretty great. It’s definitely awkward and uncomfortable, and yet, despite all that, it’s kind of endearing, too.

  23. ~A says:

    I really don’t think she sings (or dances)that bad, for an amateur. It was fine. It was for charity.

  24. Wresa says:

    It’s too bad they are into Scamtology, because I actually think they are kind of cute…

  25. Dingles says:

    Dorky married couple, I love it.

  26. Alecto says:

    awwww she sang better than most of the auto tuned twits that make a living at it.

  27. Mouse says:

    HA! I almost choked on my beer!

  28. Moops says:

    “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets,
    and LITTLE MAN…” Indeed.

    Can’t believe he set himself up for that.

  29. Lala11_7 says:


    I didn’t think it was THAT BAD…and I’m a STICKLER for musicals…

    Dress should have been shorter…

    Heels should have been higher…

    It could have been worse…I thought it was cute…(which was the objective)…though, I COMPLETE ENJOY THE ANALYSIS!!!

  30. theresa says:

    This is the absolute worst performance of “Whatever Lola Wants” that I have ever seen, and that includes dinner theater and high school productions. It is simply not possible to make this dance of sex, seduction, and temptation any more boring, sexless or embarrassing. KatieBot cannot sing or dance and ZenuTom should never, ever set foot onstage, unless he gets permission from the $cientologists to star in the Big Gay Drag Show that he truly desires.

  31. stylefile says:

    I actually loved it and thought it looked fun, and it looked like they were having fun.

    This actually humanizes them in my eyes. They’re not just the two personalities we love to gossip about, they are (I’m being trite here) people too and imperfect and fun.

    So, no, I didn’t like the snarking. :j

  32. B says:

    This is so funny. I’m so glad I initially stumbled upon this site. The Vadge Chronicles, lol. Love the writing + wit + smart escapism factor. Yay, tnx

  33. Nanea says:

    Zero chemistry.

    I mean, they’re actors for a living, they could at least fake that, even if they can’t dance, nor sing.

    Why is Katie always letting herself be photographed in front of dance studios? How awfully bad would she be without those months and months of taking lessons?

    I’m a former ballerina myself, so I’m qualified to judge that – just in case someone finds fault;-) And we didn’t only have ballet lessons day in, day out, but we also took singing and acting classes.

    To those who feel the need to defend them: those people think they deserve the millions that get thrown at them. For that kind of money, they should be able to do a lot better, even if “it’s only for charity.”

    They think they are professionals, but I’ve seen amateurs do much better jobs. For all that they deserve every ounce of snark, ridicule, critique and whatever else someone may toss their way.

  34. noonoo says:

    Nicole and Keiths song was HILARIOUS thats why it got good press.

  35. SallyJay says:


  36. cedar falls says:

    Who would have thought Tom was so big on musical theatre?

  37. Dannni says:

    Oh, dear, this sh*t is sad. I truthfully feel so bad for her. Who do she think she is? Nicole Kidman? Don’t they have any friends who would tell them that this would be embarrassing? If I danced like this, I hope my friends would let me know before doing it in front of EVERYBODY.

  38. westcoaster says:

    Sent this to my boss and he was laughing so much, he went out and bought coffee for all of us in the office! The comments on the Katie and Tome dance routine were just priceless!

  39. Emily says:


  40. Tazina says:

    It’s for CHARITY. They’re not trying to win DWTS. Some people need to use their brains and try thinking logically with them for a change.

  41. argots says:

    Always thought this was an iconic gay song!

  42. canadianchick says:

    Kaiser-I respect the gals at gofugyourself a lot, you have officially won my respect for your comedic blog skills, *flipping a jazz hand at you*

  43. Leticia says:

    I think she should always always wear pants or somehow cover her legs. Her legs are not her best feature.

  44. Nanea says:

    This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0IYICcdRyw) is how it’s done – Lola, sung by Chiwetel Ejiofor in “Kinky Boots”!

  45. Lisa says:

    This is why I love reading this site. I always get a good belly laugh. 😀 Now back to work…booo!

  46. ell says:

    Someone needs to tell her ASAP how horrible her voice is. It’s beyond annoying. That video should come with a warning.

  47. guesty says:


  48. Victoria says:

    Oh it was a train wreck! Uh someone needs to tell that poor woman she CAN NOT SING!

  49. Bodhi says:

    I get that it was for charity & yeah, it is a little cute, but its still bad. Her voice is terrible (she started off REALLY flat) & that was supposed to be dancing? All she did was walk around & swish her skirt. Obv. they aren’t trying to win DWTS, but come on, its advertised as a dance performance… there should be actaul dancing

  50. MsTriste says:

    That recap is brilliant! It so made me want to watch the video but unfortunately it’s been removed. I guess I’ll have to go look somewhere else for it.

  51. thebutlerdidit says:

    Dear Katie Holmes,

    I know what Lola wants. She wants this horrendous sh*t to stop. ASAP.

    Now, go trim Suri some bangs and brush her hair, so she doesn’t look like an orpan raised by wolves any longer.

  52. Johnthing says:

    It wouldn’t be so bad, but I think she thinks she’s good.

  53. Bee says:

    I had to turn a way from the video a few times. It shouldn’t be so painfully uncomfortable watching a husband and wife together.I think the reason so many people think Tom is gay is because he has no sexual chemistry with any woman he’s with. All of his interactions with his girlfriends and wives have always seemed so awkward and forced. It’s is if he’s acting like a man in love, instead of actually being a man in love.

  54. Razzal says:

    She has been singing this darn song for over 15 years…. and she hasn’t improved one bit.
    here at the 4.30 minutes
    and again from high school at 6.50 minutes