Russell Brand talks masturbation, chocolate & narcissism


This is a pretty boring Rolling Stone cover. If you got Russell Brand to sit down for a crazy interview, wouldn’t you choose to do a more interesting cover? Is it just me? Although a British site is already pointing out that Russell seems to have shaved his happy trail. Is that shocking? Maybe it is if you’re British? Eh. Anyway, I don’t have the complete interview yet, but there are already some interesting excerpts. Lots of c-ck talk. Hurray.

“I’m constantly distracted by my ambition, narcissism, vanity, desire, lust… I don’t pretend to enjoy anonymity.”

Brand opens up about everything from his rough working-class childhood (“[I was] tubby and unlovely and odd and obscure and bland,” he says) to his battle with a debilitating drug addiction. Brand has since kicked his addictions, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still get his rocks off.

“Whilst on tour, I masturbate a little bit, but not too much,” Brand admits. “It’s similar to the monkeys you see masturbating at the zoo, where it’s like ‘Zookeeper! Zookeeper! There’s something wrong with that monkey! And then, of course, if you ejaculate onto yourself, there’s that beautiful, transcendent, orgasmic moment of relief, then you walk to the bathroom, clean up and you catch yourself in the mirror and it’s like, ‘I don’t know what you’re looking at! Kings have done that!'”

With six feature films in the works, Brand is poised to supersaturate the country, but he still has some demons to overcome. “Going on a voyage of self-discovery isn’t as exciting as getting your c-ck sucked while chomping on chocolate and playing Nintendo, is it?” Brand wonders. “Ultimately, it’s more gratifying. And my life will be ascetic and about denial. But I’m not there yet, so the conflict continues.”

On proposing to Katy Perry: “It was amazing. I didn’t make the decision (to propose). It just rolled out like a carpet to walk upon. But now I’ve met someone who I care about enough for change to become an imperative. She’s a perfectly lovely, decent person, good fun and engaging, easy to be around and interesting. Meeting her changed me. With her, I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling some bizarre psychological fetish… I want to be in union with her and in denial of my biological drives… I hope it works. It’s a new experience for me.”

[Excerpts from Rolling Stone via RS online and The Sun]

I could have done without the masturbation story, but I guess that’s why Russell’s a famous comedian and I’m not. I mentioned in another post- Russell’s interview in Playboy – that I do find him funny and charming at times. But I sometimes wonder if he’s reaching too hard to be shocking. Oh, and he continues to sound like it’s really difficult for him to NOT cheat on Katy Perry. Yeah… seriously, good luck with that.

Also, here’s behind-the-scenes video of Russell at his Rolling Stone photo shoot:

Russell Brand and Katy Perry attend the premiere of the film Get Him to the Greek in Los Angeles

Cover courtesy of CoverAwards.

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52 Responses to “Russell Brand talks masturbation, chocolate & narcissism”

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  1. Rose says:

    * vomits*

  2. a says:

    can’t stand mouth breathers…

  3. Vee says:

    Good luck with that Katy Perry.

  4. kia says:

    Ugh, why are they pushing this unfunny, talentless, hideous loser onto the poor American public? Don’t we have enough unfunny “comedians” of our own? Did we really need to import this sleazy, STD-ridden douchebag?

    Also, all he talks about is sex. Now, I don’t know about the rest of y’all but the absolute last thing on Earth I want to think about is this hairy, greasy walking disease having sex. Yeah, he SUPPOSEDLY gets laid but I don’t believe it, and I sure as hell don’t want to think about it! Besides, the whole “OMG SEX!” thing is not shocking or even interesting any more. Find a new topic please, this one is played the F*CK out.

    Not that it matters, I imagine we’ll hear about him spontaneously combusting one day from too much grease (maybe when he goes in the sun?). Hopefully that rat-faced Katy Perry will be right there with him, HATE HER!!

    Oh and please put a shirt on, nobody wants to see your consumptive, 80-year old man chicken chest! EW!

  5. WTF?!? says:

    Why the proliferation of posts about this dolt and his idiotic girlfriend? Makes me almost long for the days of Speidi.

  6. aury says:

    yeah… i could’ve done w/out the masturbation story as well.

  7. ogechi says:

    Good luck. I enjoyed the interview but the masturbation part, am outta here..LOL.

  8. Katija says:

    I do not find Russell Brand funny at
    all. He reminds me of a fourteen-year-old boy just screaming “BOOBS! MASTURBATION! POOPIE!” in a blind attempt to get a laugh. He and Sarah Silverman should be banished to an island to be not-funny together.

  9. Leek says:

    “I hope it works.” That’s very telling. Kind of like when Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston and he said things like we’ll see how long this will last. He had terrible quotes for a married man. The quotes alone were grounds for divorce.

    Katy Perry will have lots of new material coming up to sing about.

  10. Kevin says:

    Russell, just because you think something doesn’t mean you have to verbalize it.(say it, you wanker) You are trying way too hard.

  11. Linda says:

    The guy is like 99% in the entertainment field—-STUPID

  12. jessica says:

    I just threw up in my mouth a little and my eyes are burning.

  13. Oi says:

    At least he’s gross looking in addition to his gross personality.

  14. JulieNewmar says:

    Yeah, ummmm .. No.

  15. katybug says:

    i think he’s hot as hell, i’d do him but i think the world of kp. hope it works out. kudos

  16. alexandra says:

    he is hot!!

  17. Megan says:

    Him and Katie look like brother and sister.

  18. MSat says:

    He looks like he has really bad B.O., like, all the time. Gross.

  19. gg says:

    Thank you, Katija and kia, I totally agree.

    You can sure tell he was fat when he was a kid – he has the type of self worship/loathing that only comes from somebody who hasn’t been skinny for that long. – AND the type of body that has not ever exercised. I really do not want to see his flesh, anywhere. He can’t leave the house without exposing his scrawny chest or more.

    Anybody notice how he always has the same face pose? Like a playboy mouth, hanging open like he thinks he’s sooooo sexy? Paired with the false beard, I really want to puke. People who try so hard, especially guys(!), are NOT SEXY. People who are sexy naturally don’t have to try so damn hard, or pretend they’re rock stars.

    His body is more suited to be a drag queen with the long anorectic torso and wierd woman’s waist.

    Her churchy parents must be uber thrilled at the thought of having this masturbatory guy in the family who simply cannot stop talking about nothing BUT sex. UGH! JUVENILE anybody?

    And I have to scrub my eyes from that disgusting pose on the cover. Russell! You don’t need a girlfriend – you got yourself. Nobody could love your image more.

  20. gg says:

    Not to mention the crazy rapist eyes.

  21. Suzanne says:

    You interview Russell Brand and you’re actually surprised to get a masturbation story?!

  22. snowball says:

    I wonder if Katy blows him while he’s eating chocolate and playing Nintendo.

    I can’t wait ’til he starts talking about their sex life. You know he will.

  23. Victoria says:

    @GG: I think celebrities like him (who are not that talented to begin with) practice that pouty face in the mirror before they go out.

  24. Lucy says:

    A manorexic monkey talks about filthy stuff.
    All this is a PR sham.
    And it’s laugheable his definition of Trashy Perry.
    She’s SO not good nor innocent, she’s a cokehead full of herself.
    Wait… they’re PERFECTLY paired actually.
    Whomever buy their acts is so naive.

  25. Bella Bella says:


  26. Ophelia says:

    It bothers me that right after the masturbation story (“Kings have done that” cracked me up, I admit), the article informs us he’s “poised to supersaturate the country”. At the very least, when that happens, I want a hairnet and a raincoat.

  27. kelbear says:

    Feel like I got an STD just by looking at this.

  28. katC says:

    I have to say I like him, I wasn’t aware of him pre-VMAs and hated him on sight, kind of a more physical Howard Stern, and thus gross. But after seeing him in collusion with other British comedians that I love (Noel Fielding mostly) I’ve seen a lot of his work from before he came to the US. Honestly it’s not bad at all, I think that he’s actually really funny, just something about how his work personna comes across in the US, like we had no time to get to see his more toned down stuff before he was suddenly just there making fun of people who were well respected members of the entertainment industry, it seemed like he was taking cheap shots I guess. Ultimately, yeah I like him a lot now, and I hope that he’ll have better PR here because it really would be a shame if he wasn’t able to bring some of the British style lighthearted surealism to the usual stoner schtick most American comedians seem to be doing these days. Honestly at least he’s diffrent. And I like that he tries to look as absurd as possible rather than playing up his actually really goodlooking face etc.

  29. Ashley says:

    Why does he always talk like he’s from a Dicken’s novel?

    Russell used to be funny, in Britian, but then he became narcissitic (or he was before and it was just covered up?). His last comedy dvd was TERRIBLE. It was all about him meeting famoous people and being around famous people, and all ‘oh I’m famous now, did you know?’ GET OVER YOURSELF. Dudley Moore you are not. Hopefully he and that annoying hack Katy Perry will disappear in 2 or 3 years.

  30. RHONYC says:

    i betcha he wooed her with this:


    “Inside of you
    Inside of you
    There’s got to be
    Some part of me
    Inside of you”

    tee-hee 🙂

  31. Liz says:

    John Mayer 2.0

  32. bizzy says:

    @Liz: yes, so much. “i’m deep, i’m sexy, i’m spiritual, i’m different from every other guy you’ve ever known.” yeah, that’s what every guy says. you know what’s really unusual? a guy who groks that’s he’s just like all the other guys.

  33. Rosanna says:

    10,000 times better than that idiotic Sasha Baron Cohen, and equally gross.

  34. tooey says:

    Dear Lord, please don’t let my subscription to RS have expired!

  35. Jo 'Mama' Besser says:

    That photo should never have happened. Ick.

  36. Ruffian9 says:

    Rose:May 27th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Right behind you

  37. Moxie says:


  38. Codzilla says:

    gg: Totally agree that Russell’s ridiculous “I’m too sexy” look is at once laughable and gross.

  39. birdgherl says:

    IF they make it to the altar, I give it 10 months.

  40. katie says:

    ugh he is gross.

  41. Jules says:

    “With her, I don’t feel like I’m fulfilling some bizarre psychological fetish”

    That is one of the funniest comments I have ever heard! I’m going to use that on my friends that shouldn’t be with their current boyfriends/girlfriends—“So, are you sure you’re just not trying to fulfill some bizarre psychological fetish? Why not break up?”

  42. keira says:

    his comment about katy: ‘i hope it works’

    well – that is inspiring.

    he doesn’t think it will!

  43. Lia says:

    He’s SO homely. What the hell?

  44. p3rp3tu4 says:

    Good4THEM. Finally an interesting couple!

  45. UrbanRube says:

    Do not get the appeal…

  46. denise says:

    This is one fugly dude.

  47. dovesgate says:

    If another Doors biopic is ever made, Russell Brand has that long torso Jim Morrison had. He’s a pretty good looking guy from time to time.

    I can totally see him being a fat kid and not really having many girlfriends so that when he started being successful, the starfuckers came out of the woodwork and he went crazy with the sexual exploits. I’m sure hes still quite amazed that people want to bang him and I’m sure that will be the heart of any problems with cheating that may arise. I wish them the best though cause as long as they are both off the market, we wont have to hear about them so much.

  48. Sonja says:

    I can’t stand his nasally voice or his long skinny body. It would seriously annoy me to have to listen to his incessant yapping.

  49. Slymm27 says:

    I actually love this man. Strange, but true.

  50. Anonymous says:

    Jesus people! if you dont like him why bother commenting?? dont u have better things to do in ur lives , ur probably uglyer and have some sort of desease bcos here this is called jealousy!

    he is funny! Dah why else would he be a comedian. if he wasnt funny he wudnt be in the TOP COMEDIANS OF THE WORLD stupid.

    instead of arguing and gossiping about someone you dont like , do something better since from ur point of view it is obviously a waste of time CORRECT??

    oxygen thiefs

    as it sais below , hatred and bigotry are not welcome here .. and here i am to duscuss this entertainment story and here is what i believe:

    i am not surprised he talked about masturbation typicly his character. i believe it is funny but for such a short article you could use something else too and longer. nevertheless i did like it 😀 It was funny , i wish it had more

  51. gossipgal says:

    Oh I love him!!! I saw him in real life and I swooned… sorry but its true

  52. hjsplit says:

    Why didnt I think about this? I hear exactly what youre saying and Im so happy that I came across your blog. You really know what youre talking about, and you made me feel like I should learn more about this. Thanks for this; Im officially a huge fan of your blog