As I predicted yesterday, Us Weekly’s Jessica Simpson cover story this week is full of sh-t. Now, I’m pretty much over Jessica because of her powerful stupidity and all, but I don’t really wish her ill. She’s got enough bad stuff going on in her life that is totally up for grabs, gossip-wise, that we don’t have to make up stuff, like phantom pregnancies to explain away her burrito (and tostado, nachos and margarita) baby. But that’s what Us Weekly did, by trying to make us think that Jessica’s romance with former football player Eric Johnson is somehow “risky”. And once again, Eric is only kind-of married at this point. He and his estranged wife filed for divorce back in January or February, and by most accounts, his wife doesn’t seem to care that he’s off with Jessica. Here’s Jezebel’s excerpt from Jezebel’s tabloid round-up:

Though various sources describe ex-NFL player Eric Johnson as a “hardworking” guy who makes Jessica “really happy,” he’s definitely an a–hole. Consider this evidence:

1) He filed for divorce in January, but it still hasn’t been finalized (though he and his ex are on good terms).

2) He took Jessica home for a family reunion, and meeting his folks for the first time was totally “awkward.”

3) Though he knocked her up five weeks before meeting her (says OK!), he now encouraging her to crash diet.

4) Jessica is inherently incapable of having a happy, stable relationship (according to the tabs, at least).

[From Us Weekly via Jezebel]

So, does the guy really sound like a douche? On a scale of Clive Owen (the best, naturally) to John Mayer (The Douche Supreme), I’d say he sounds like a solid Chace Crawford (he might have a few douche moments, but overall, he’s too bland to be either extreme). Oh, and just FYI – Jessica’s new romance has gotten the seal of approval from People Magazine, who ran a glowing little piece about Jess and Eric’s fourth of July:

Jessica Simpson and her new beau, former NFL player Eric Johnson, have been spending quality time together – including a cozy Fourth of July celebration. Two days after Simpson attended the grand opening of the Casino Club at The Greenbrier Sulphur Springs, W. Va., she was spotted with Johnson at the Ponte Vedra Inn & Club in Florida.

“They were very nice,” says bartender Ben Brewer. “She was wearing shorts and big shades. She did look absolutely stunning.”

The singer, who turns 30 on Saturday, and Johnson, 30, lounged by the pool and sipped fruity cocktails at the resort on the holiday.

But their romantic getaway was short lived: The following morning they had to return to the real world. Although they have kept their romance low-key, they weren’t shy about showing some PDA at the Jacksonville, Fla., airport, where sources say they hopped a flight to Los Angeles.

“They were definitely huggy-kissy at the ticket counter,” says one eyewitness.

“They were holding hands,” adds another observer, “and she was rubbing his back and scratching his head. They were affectionate.”

[From People]

Allegedly, Jessica and Eric have been dating for five weeks. FIVE. WEEKS. And Eric’s already under the tabloid gun to be Mr. Perfect Boyfriend. Ha. So after five whole weeks, they’re still in that stage of just having sex all the time and they probably aren’t having very deep conversations (and they never will). I do think that it’s a little funny after making Nick Lachey wait all of those years that Jessica now gives the milk away for free to any dude who can fumble a ball. HA.

Looking at photos of Jessica standing next to Jennifer Garner and Brooke Shields is like looking at some museum exhibit about the evolution of boobs.

Cover courtesy of Jezebel. Additional pics of Jess from July 7, 2010. Credit: Fame.