Eva Longoria just can’t get anyone interested in her post-divorce exclusive tell-all interview. There were rumors that she was supposed to get a full People Magazine cover at one point, but I think her “exclusive” just ended up on some sidebar. And now she’s trying to do a big, splashy post-split magazine piece… only Vanity Fair wouldn’t take her calls, I guess. So she ended up the April cover girl for Allure. Which… honestly, isn’t so bad. It totally could have been worse. She could be giving her story to Steppin’ Out Magazine.

Regarding the cover shoot – eh. I’m still focused on what is different with her face, because I think something’s off. I think she had some “breakup Botox” or something. The cover shot in particular is unflattering too – she looks like she’s mid-snart. Go here for the Allure slideshow, and here are some interview excerpts:

On how women have helped her through her divorce:
“You know, some people collect plates and stamps and coins. I collect people; I collect amazing, smart, interesting women.”

On her life post-divorce:
“I’m kind of having to find new patterns because I’m not used to having … I’m used to always being on a plane and flying to a basketball game… It’s been … every time I talk about it, I want to cry. It’s been hard. Very hard. I’m just trying to get through it as gracefully as possible without any drama.”

On her next phase in life:
“I’m in a transition stage, settling into a new routine, and I welcome it.”

On being racy in past interviews:
“It’s hard for me to censor myself, because I like to be honest and free and say exactly what I’m thinking or feeling. Unfortunately, so many things are taken out of context, and [now] I’m a little more cautious about what I say.”

On being proud of “Desperate Housewives”:
“‘Desperate Housewives’ was groundbreaking for Latinos in television because the Solises were the richest people on the block — and they’re Mexican.”

On her first job:
“My first job ever was at Wendy’s. I still remember the order to put things on the burger: mayonnaise, ketchup, pickles, onions, tomato, lettuce, mustard. Would you like some fries with that?”

[From Allure]

God, Eva makes me want to smack myself in the face with a hammer. Can she be any more obliviously cliché? It’s like she’s trying to borrow heavily from The Post-Split Aniston Handbook, but Eva doesn’t realize that NO ONE gives a crap, and we never really did. Eva says, “I’m just trying to get through it as gracefully as possible without any drama.” No, you’re trying to build up drama because that’s what you are: a drama queen famewhore who would sell your mother if it got you the cover of a better magazine.

Oh, and No-Drama Longoria was making out with Eduardo Cruz for the paparazzi yesterday. It’s like the third “accidental” public makeout session they’ve had this week.

Photos courtesy of Allure.