Gwyneth Paltrow covers Self Mag, talks juice fasts, food & her “square butt”


Another day, another ongoing Goop travesty. Why is it All Goop, All The Time lately? Don’t say it’s because she’s promoting her cookbook, because Goop has been all over the place for MONTHS. My take is that she just really, really wants to be seen as a super-A-list, in-demand celebrity again. She wants the best scripts, she wants Goop supporters lining the streets demanding her precious vocals, she wants the world to shudder at her ever goopy word, she wants attention and validation. Perhaps because she’s not getting it at home? Perhaps.

Anyway, Goop covers the new issue of Self Magazine. Now that I’m reading the interview excerpts and looking at the budget, peasant photo shoot – Goop scantily-clad, showing off her toned body against a bright white background – I’m wondering why it took Goop so long to do these kinds of health-fitness-type magazine covers. She’s in her favorite zone: she gets to talk about herself and how everything revolves around her (of course), she gets to exhaustively discuss her beloved juice fasts (her insipid, elitist constipation), and she gets to condescend to everyone about her magnificent self-obsession and superficiality. Because Gwyneth only cares what’s on the outside.

On her challenge areas:
“My butt! My butt, butt, butt. When Tracy met me, she said that I had a long, square butt that she was going to redesign, and I was, like, “Yeah? Good luck.” The amazing thing is, she was right! And it’s still changing!”

How she stays sane about her body:
“I’ve found what works for me. I know if I put in an hour and a half, five days a week, I’m good. If I’m on vacation and, like, “F— it, I’m not working out,” I know what to do when I get back. A lot of women think, “Oh, my God, I could never get there,” but I don’t think that’s true. It’s simply relative to how much you put into it.”

How consistent she stays, foodwise:
“I say I always eat right, but last night, I had fried clams, pasta with duck sausage and two glasses of red wine. When I want to lose, I eat less pasta, bread and potatoes. Before last year’s Iron Man 2 premiere, I did green juices and salads for three days.”

Gwyneth’s fitness secret:
“I do 45 minutes of cardio five days a week, because I like to eat. I also try for 45 minutes of muscular structure work, which is toning, realigning and lengthening. If I’m prepping for something or I’ve been eating a lot of pie, I do two hours a day, six days a week for two weeks.”

[From Self/Huffington Post]

“A long, square butt”? Gwyneth is so special, her ass isn’t even a normal shape. Take that, peasants, with your dumb, peasanty round butts!

By the way, you know what I think about when I see photos of Goop barely clothed? I think about how strange it is that she’s so utterly unsexy. Of course, there are times when I actually find her pretty, and there are many times when I admire how hard she works on her body, and what great shape she’s really in, but at the end of the day, I think the biggest problem may be that no one actually looks at her and thinks “Beautiful, sexy, admirable woman.” We look at her and think, “Wow, it took a lot of time, a lot of juice fasts and a lot of self-obsession to look like that. She must be really boring in real life.”

Another observation: Gwyneth is stuck in the 1990s, when she was at the height of her fame. That’s when she stopped growing as a person, that’s where she is mentally, and that’s why she’s still flat-ironing her hair and parting it down the middle. She’s incredibly dated, emotionally and physically.

Let’s see, other Goop news… Dame Gwyneth invited the New York Times to her “dinner party” in which she prepared food for 60 people… all by herself! Go here to read the article, and here for Lainey’s coverage of it. Also, there was an odd piece in People Magazine this morning – it’s all about this dinner party too, but then there’s this odd little aside where People Mag asks Gwyneth if her family ever cooked for her and she says, “Never. Not once.” People: Not even a bowl of cereal for breakfast? “No,” she said. Yeah… Gwyneth is really sad. She is a sad person, and I feel bad for her. But she doesn’t want my pity, because she is so much better than me, and obviously, she has pity for ME because I’m such a peasant. It’s an odd conundrum.



Photos courtesy of Self/HuffPo.

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64 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow covers Self Mag, talks juice fasts, food & her “square butt””

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  1. mln76 says:

    Self is really selling out first Kardashian and now GOOPY(god lover her) who promotes starving yourself as a diet plan how irresponsible can you get.

  2. Kiska says:

    Another shameless plug for her loser friend and trainer, Tracey Anderson. Anyone can change the shape of their body by working out 1-2 hours per day.

    However, the more I’ve read about the subject the less I agree with that theory. Short periods of HIGH intensity change a person’s body without affecting hormones.

    Anyway, I don’t care for Gwyneth or any of her advice.

  3. whitedaisy says:

    Yesus. Yesterday she was trying so hard to be relatable and comes off as narcissistic as ever. This is her standard garbage and must be from an earlier interview.
    insufferable woman.

  4. everlyo says:

    she does have a great figure but so do all the trainers at my gym… yawn.

  5. kazoo says:

    sooo glad i didn’t renew my subscription.

    and i love duck, but damn. why is she always talking about it?!

  6. girl says:

    I have to laugh at the idea of GP staring at her butt for hours in the mirror. You know, like all the working mothers do.

  7. Quest says:

    We all know Goopy has a flat ass but I did not know it had edges (square), she called it, not me.

    I sigh loudly that we peasants only have plump round buttocks (in all shapes and sizes) not sharp cornered edges like Goopy

  8. Alix says:

    How nice to be able to devote so much time to one’s workout routine!

  9. annaloo. says:

    I love my peasanty round bottom butt!!

  10. Melanie says:

    Annaloo: :)

  11. original kate says:

    i love this “i’m just like you, peasants” kick she’s on lately. the photos here are hilarious; as if goop would ever deign to sit on a plastic lawn chair in real life.

  12. Aqua says:

    The more she talks the more I want her to put her foot in her mouth so she can’t lol.

  13. call_in says:

    People Mag asks Gwyneth if her family ever cooked her and she says, “Never. Not once.”


  14. Kasey says:

    I too have been wondering why so much Goop lately. Seriously what’s this 3 articles in 2 days?!! With all this running around and self-promotion I’m sure she’s had to slim down that workout routine.

    Anyway, I think her face is really pretty and young looking in these photos, not shiny like it was in the link where she wore that beige dress. However, she looks quite girl-next-door here. You know, dare I say (gasp) common?!

    BTW-I’m really confused by the conversation you relayed between she and People. Did they really ask if her family has ‘ever COOKED her’? Is this interesting to note because she didn’t catch the joke? Is this a typo? If so, is this interesting then because she’s never had a family-cooked meal and is thus unrelatable to most people? Is this interesting because she’s willing to admit that her family never took the time to cook for her and we feel sad that she never got this experience? Too many possibilities. I don’t follow.

  15. Amanda says:

    I don’t understand that outfit she has on.

  16. Kaiser says:

    Kasey – Fixed it, sorry! I’m such a peasant, with all of my middle-class typos. I was overcome by Gwyneth’s superior square ass.

  17. Incredulous says:

    “I say I always eat right”? In reality, you don’t always eat right. Remember the deficiency? I think she took too much vitamin D(elusion).

  18. Justalark says:

    I’m begging you…Please, please, please…NO MORE GWYNETH for a while!!! I have reached my saturation point. My head’s about to blow, and there will be revolting GOOP everywhere, and you guys will be to blame! A pox on the next person who writes a Gwyneth post!

  19. lambchops says:

    What is she after? Who is she trying to be? I am sooooooo sick of seeing/hearing about her.

  20. Nanea says:

    What have they done to her HAIR? Overdid it with the use of the Photoshop magic wand to add volume and make fried, split ends disappear?

    I’ve never seen it look like this for years and years. Last time I saw it looking good was for the Estée Lauder ads.

    That woman is so insufferable. A friend of mine is a Michelin-starred chef, and even she has help when she cooks for 60 people at her home, for family-related events. Not mentioning her restaurant, of course, where everyone does a special kind of job, like saucier, entremetier etc etc.

    Oh, and Goopy: I’ve never seen a real chef worth his or her salt who is fat. You’d better rethink that Batali connection.

  21. AngelMay says:

    I’m telling y’all! She is morphing into Leann Rimes.

  22. lucy2 says:

    Why is she everywhere? She doesn’t have anything big to promote, it’s weird. I guess she’s trying to sell herself back into the spotlight.

  23. kazoo says:

    because i’m bored & was wondering, i just looked at goopy’s imdb. she has no (film) projects in the works, and only 1 film slated to come out in the near future (which looks to be an ensemble cast with stars she’ll have to share attention with). so…is she not really acting anymore?

  24. teehee says:

    Clams? Duck? :|

  25. danielle says:

    Don’t like Goop…but think I know what she’s talking about with the butt. My butt looks like my back, but lower. I actually call it my never ending back. It’s gross-flat like a pancake. I want a nice round bootie. Sob. Not enough to work out 8 hrs a week tho and go on juice fasts tho!!!

  26. Hautie says:

    I am beginning to seriously wonder about all this desperate “trying”.

    This whole PR thing started last Fall and has not let up.

    What is Miss Goop up to? Is she preparing the media for a divorce? So she can place blame on all the time, that her career demands of her?

    Is this her way of trying to get scripts sent to her again?

    Since she is now too old be consider for the roles that… Anne Hathaway/Scarlett/Jennifer Lawrence… are getting hired for?

    And why is she being so obvious, about the desperate need to be seen? Like getting papped with that Glee guy.

    I bet Gwyneth sh*t herself when she saw Jennifer Lopez made the cover of People… as the “MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!!” cover.

    You know that had to hurt.

    Gwyneth has always mean-girl Lopez. I recall a time where Goop and Madonna publicly, mean-girl Jennifer at a Versace party.

    And now Lopez is greater than Gwyneth!

  27. junipergreen says:

    In these photos she looks like a cross between Gisele and Chelsea Clinton.

    I know. That’s maybe weird. But I see it.

    Also, she’s annoying.

  28. Kim says:

    Wait, I’m confused. Did the quote from People mean her family past-tense or family current? Because isn’t the whole book based on how she and her dad learned to cook together? So then does this mean her husband cooks for her as much as he likes spending time with her meaning never? Either way she comes off sounding the opposite of what she wants to sound like.

  29. Rita says:


    I find your insights with Goopy to be fascinating. I think she’s pretty and talented but beyond that I believe your perspective, although speculative (note 2 “tives”) is accurate. I don’t know if its her marriage or whatever, but something’s going to blow-up with Goopy and it will be the culmination of your threads. After which we’ll all feel a little bad for be so hard on her, or not.

  30. ruth says:

    I’m surprised that a magazine like Self, which comes across as being “sensible” and “responsible” would be indirectly giving a plug to a very extremist, not scientifically proven regimen like Tracey Anderson’s program.

    As far as Gwyneth is concerned, I would take anything she says with a grain of salt. She is full of sh*t. I’ve noticed inconsistencies in what she says at various times and to different media – one example is her workout routine. When she first started shilling for her friend Tracy Anderson, she said she works out 2 hours per day, 6 days a week. Now she only follows this tenet if she’s been slacking off??

  31. Isa says:

    I was wondering too what she was promoting when I saw this link.

    I like those shorts.

    And having a square butt isn’t a good thing. Mine is rather square. A round bottom is what gets sung about! haha.

    I appreciate her admiting how much time she works out for her body. Yes, it’s unrealistic for many of us but if everyone had the time to spend on their body at least 50 percent of us would have a great one at her age.

    Nanea- I think they use clip on extensions for photoshoots.

  32. gillie says:

    id rather be soft and round like sofia vergara. rwaaar. this gwenyth paltrow is insipid, boring, sexless, and dull.

  33. melissa says:

    I was reading an interview with her today where she talks about why goop thinks us peasants hate her:

    Also if you want to hear her butcher Adele:

  34. Raven Sparrow says:

    I thought she was vegetarian? Duck?

    I saw her on the cooking channel the other day and she was doing this trip in Spain thing and they were all eating tapas, along came a yummy plate of Spanish ham…I’m drooling…and she was like “no no, not for me” . So she tasted another plate with these huge beans and she was like “oh this is so goooood” and then the chef explained that they were cooked in pork stew or something like that! You should have seen her face! And she was all “oh no!” and almost pretend gagging. The camera accidently caught her friend leaning over and telling her to cut it out. So funny I was LMAO!

  35. Estella says:

    I am going to allow myself to feel elitist for a moment because 1. My butt is my BEST feature unlike Gwynnie and 2. I do not have to work out as much as her (or pay ridiculous amounts of $$ to a trainer)to stay toned and in shape. If she is so naturally thin – as she has said over and over again – why is she working out and fasting? I am almost as old as she is and require only 45 minutes of light exercise, 3 days a week to stay in shape. I eat whatever I want. And my bottom is round and high. I still love you but suck it Gwyneth!

  36. Leticia says:

    Kaiser, your observations about her are so right. She is not sexy, just like Tom Cruise is not sexy. She has it all and is very talented, but she does not at all make me envious. And I feel sorry for her that her husband doesn’t want to be seen publicly with her. They are a odd couple.

  37. lrm says:

    you could get a ’rounder’ butt with just 30 min a day of yoga or pilates…combined with a nice walk with a few mild hills.

    i’ve done it, and it’s that simple(:
    i mean, you do have to put effort into it, but you dont need to do this hard core thing goopy is prescribing.

    also, good, real food is a great addition to the round butt. real fats like avocado, ghee, ground flax, olive oil….that sort of thing.

    but basically, the yoga ‘warrior’ pose series will seriously help in this department. even 20 minutes, a few times per week would work.

  38. Leticia says:

    Am I the only one who thinks she may have had tiny implants a couple of yrs ago?

  39. Becky says:

    I had to laugh at the Goop’s comments about her butt. I thought it was funny that her buddy Tracy said she was going to “redesign” it. I’m so happy for Gwyneth that her special rear end is still changing and that the “redesign” is working!

    P.S. Those Shape pics look really photoshopped.

  40. Ruffian9 says:

    As if I needed another reason not to buy this assy mag…

  41. MaudeLebowski says:

    Square buttocks must feel good when you sit on a chair. Forget spooning against them, too. Chris probably bubblewraps her first.

  42. Tiffany says:

    @ Hautie. I too think that the seperation announcement is coming soon. I got a feeling she wants to overshadow Coldplay’s album release. @ Kim. Yes she cooked with her father so she could be talking about spouse family.

  43. Emily says:

    Her life seems so empty, it wouldn’t surprise me if all those “juices” were like 40% vodka.

  44. RHONYC says:

    *holding hat in hand, bowing head*

    chris martin…
    wherever you are…
    whoever you’re inside of right now…
    you have our deepest sympathy dude. :-(

  45. Annaloo says:

    God, she is SUCH a bore. NEXT!!!

  46. Granger says:

    I can’t imagine spending an hour and a half working out everyday. I mean, I like to exercise, but my life is full. Forty-five minutes is about all I have time for, and sometimes, even half an hour is stretching it. And that’s enough, you know? I’m healthy, I’m happy, and I’m in decent shape. Gwyneth, on the other hand, might look damn good, but she strikes me as one ridiculously boring person.

  47. mln76 says:

    @ Hautie
    I recall a time where Goop and Madonna publicly, mean-girl Jennifer at a Versace party.

    Please refresh my memory this sounds like a gossip gold mine. :)

  48. Hautie says:

    Well since Madonna has never known how to behave in public… here we go….

    excerpt from:

    “We have Madonna weighing in on the Ben Affleck Jennifer Lopez wedding/wedding cancellation saying she feels “to a certain extent, they courted the media attention.”

    She also told “Access Hollywood’s” Pat O’Brien that as far as handling press, “At the end of the day, I feel like that’s their job, and then there needs to be a part of the relationship that you keep private.”

    Looks like somebody dug up that hatchet Madonna and J.Lo supposedly buried with their ladies at lunch date with Britney last summer.

    The Madge-Jennifer feud goes back a ways, you may recall. A 1998 Movieline interview in which Lopez freely dissed Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Winona Ryder, and rival Latin bombshell Salma Hayek started it all. She called herself a better actress than fellow crossover artist Madonna:

    “Do I think she’s a great actress? No. Acting is what I do.”

    Madonna got back at Lopez at Donatella Versace’s millennial New Year’s Eve dinner party in Miami. Reportedly, Lopez was shunned by the Material Mom and her posse, which included gal pal Gwyneth Paltrow. Lopez arrived an hour and a half late at the South Beach mansion. As Versace got up to greet Lopez, Madonna purportedly announced, “Dinner’s over now.” Her entourage followed her as she left the room.

    And of course, Gwyneth had her own reason for cold-shouldering J.Lo. “I swear to God, I don’t remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association,” goes the inflammatory Lopez quote on Paltrow, circa 1998. “I heard more about her and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work.”

    For years, Gwyneth stayed mum and let her Oscar do the talking. But she finally did come forth with a somewhat catty retort this year, when, in answer to a media question about her possible marriage to Coldplay’s Chris Martin, she pointedly remarked that marriage isn’t something SHE takes lightly, so she wouldn’t rush into a marriage only to rush out months later.

    As you-know-who has done. Twice.

    Add to the mix the fact that Gwyneth used to be the girlfriend of J.Lo’s man, Ben Affleck, and you realize the potential for future snipes is high.”

    Then of course there was Rupert Everett who wrote about it too…

    “Everett’s memoir takes long detours from Hollywood to visit Paris’ demimonde and Miami’s South Beach. His account of a millennial New Year’s Eve party thrown by Donatella Versace reads like Proust on meth as dueling cliques surrounding Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow face off against interloper Jennifer Lopez.”

  49. Zoya says:

    Vapid phony.

  50. Crash2GO2 says:

    She looks great, but gawd, she is so affected. And you just know they airbrushed out her bony chest.

  51. Janice says:

    So who wins – Gwen or Winonna?

    I’m going with Winonna. She had a drug induced bad patch, but Gwen’s current failure is all about her letting her true colors show.

  52. tapioca says:

    I still prefer her to all the, “Oh, I eat like a pig and do no exercise; I guess I’m just lucky to have such a fast metabolism” BS spouted by a lot of actresses. Except Heidi Klum, who makes you appreciate how hard she works in the gym and sticks to a healthy diet without wanting to punch her!

  53. Missy says:

    Really interesting angle re: goopy being stuck in the 90′s and what that’s about. Goopy tends to bring up eco/fairtrade lifestyle and is part of campaigns such as ‘i am africa’ while living the commercial celebrity lifestyle flogging superficiality like it is going out of fashion. I wonder how stuff like this add up in her head?

  54. Elj says:

    PLEASE CHANGE YOUR HAIR. I beg of you, Gwyneth.

  55. Lady Jane says:

    …because trying really hard to make people like you is the unsexiest trait of all, closely followed by haughty perfectionism.

  56. eElizabeth says:

    She comes across as so shallow and so unaware of it (i.e. the duck sausage dinner remark). Her whole life is about nothing at all and she doesn’t know it. But I feel kind of sorry for her – her husband avoids her like the plague and it seems like she’s only staying in the marriage for appearances sake. And the more she does that, the more he ignores her. It makes her look so desparate.

  57. Toe says:

    @ Tapioca. ITA!

  58. mln76 says:

    @Hautie thanks for the gossip :)

  59. Helen says:

    Bitch also said: On making time for herself: “Taking care of yourself is being there for your kids, like how on a plane, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first.”

    I do believe she’s confusing vanity for something else. Ugh!

  60. Wendy City says:

    I disagree…I don’t think she is in great shape. This is the same woman that has bones the equivalent of a 90 year old woman. She is morphing into Tracey Anderson.She has the body of a pre-pubescent boy. She has no curves and not the body of a mature woman.
    I agree with you that she is stuck in the 90′s emotionall, physically and mentally.
    5 days a week/2 hours a day! And you are still meh…I agree with other writers. You do all of that and this is your results?

  61. Bubbling says:

    This bitch Tracy is insane, but she milk it good. So, what we have here is celeb-anorexic guru who promotes starving and physical exhaustion wrapped in “New great method, 30 days you will loose 100 pounds and redesign your body”. With working out two hours a day and eating like a bird, no shit I’ll “redesign” my body

  62. Liana says:

    I like my body and I don’t work out more than 1/2 hr cardio two days a week and yoga two days a week. Occasionally I throw in a Bikhram session on Sundays if I’m so inclined. I eat healthy, walk my dogs regularly, and enjoy life with my attentive husband. I’ve been around Chris and Gwyneth together… it’s an odd dynamic they have. I can’t figure out if they are emotionally estranged or just strange.

  63. jemshoes says:

    Kaiser, you nailed it. Goopy’s stuck fast in the 90s and doesn’t seem to know it, or want to know it.

    Til now I’ve never wanted to comment on the state of her marriage, but this out-of-control Goopiness everywhere about everything does make me wonder if the validation / affirmation / affection she seems so much to crave from outside the home is because something’s missing inside the home.

  64. Holly says:

    Seriously, you lot have so much hate for Gwyneth. All you do is judge and bitch about her, she can’t help becoming famous. She has worked hard to get where she is, I’d like to see half of you perform in front of hundreds and act in different films, I really would! Also someone said she only cares about what’s on the outside? I’m doubt very much that is all she cares about. It’s not a crime to make your-self look good; if that was the case then half of the celebrities would look like rats. She obviously feels better about herself inside when she looks better on the outside, there was comment on her hair too? Maybe she likes it that way; maybe she doesn’t want to change it. If someone turned round to you and said you were dated and that they don’t like your hair would you change? Probably not is the answer, Gwyneth obviously doesn’t care what anybody thinks about her because she happy with the way she looks and if she was so ugly as you lot are saying then how is she married and got to children? Everyone is different. Someone also said that her life is ‘boring’ and there’s ‘nothing to it’ have you lived with her for a week, month and year? No, neither have I but I bet it’s not as easy as you think. She has two kids; she does the school run every day, she cooks, cleans and does what anybody else would in a home. She’s obviously trying to make her life as ‘normal’ as possible for her children, she obviously doesn’t want her children to grow up in a different way otherwise they would be home schooled, have a tutor or attend a private school but they don’t. They got to a school were most children there age goes. Also she enjoys cooking, why fault someone on that? She’s brought a book out; I’ve heard she’s on a specific diet that was to help her dad when he was dying, your all faulting her for being helpful? She cleans up her house; you don’t see her spending hundreds on a maid do you? Maybe she likes to splash out a lot of money for clothes, but if you can afford to why not? You can’t judge somebody on what you’ve heard from the media, maybe some of it is true maybe it’s not. Gwyneth obviously only talks about the positive things in her life, why should she have to explain and tell the whole world what problems she has? I bet half of you don’t tell your problems to random strangers, do you? Exactly, don’t be so discriminating to people that you have never met or know.