‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’ trailer: wtf was Jeremy Renner thinking?

Jeremy Renner

The new trailer for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters has arrived, and I’m astonished at the pure awfulness of the project. Obviously, the movie stills and set candids we’ve seen so far already made it quite clear that this would be no masterpiece, but at least the film looked like it might be a cheesy good time with the likes of an easy-on-the-eyes pair — Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton. Then again, this is one of those “cool” attempts to reinvent a fairy tale, and those usually end in disaster, but I’m wondering exactly why Renner signed onto this mess. Did he fall prey during one of those moments where his agent suggested diversity in projects; as in, “Son, you’ve appeared in far too many criticially acclaimed and financially successful movies over the past five years. It’s time to mix it up and do a really crappy film.” Or maybe someone blackmailed him into this mess. Here’s the trailer, and we’ll discuss below:

Jeremy Renner

This looks terrible, right? And not in a good way. Overally, I’m feeling very ashamed that I can’t even get it up when Renner pulls the trigger on that gun because — let’s face it — the man knows how to wield a weapon and look very sexy while doing so. Here though, the hackneyed story and the awkward, mechanical dialogue do nothing to quell the “reinvented fairy tale” gimmick. What’s even more telling is that this movie was originally set to arrive in theaters on March 1, 2012 but has been pushed back until next January, which is widely known as the month designated as a cinematic wasteland. All apologies to Jeremy Renner (whom I adore as an actor, and he’s got a cute little bubble butt too), but I won’t be watching this movie at all.

Jeremy Renner

Jeremy Renner

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and EW.com

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50 Responses to “‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’ trailer: wtf was Jeremy Renner thinking?”

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  1. Isabella Notarfrancesco says:

    Puff The Magic Dragon! Now there’s a movie adaptation that could work. As for JR he looks like he’s from the cast of Goodfellas with that hair.

  2. RocketMerry says:

    Lol, it looks really terrible, but I’ll still catch it on the internet. That’s what I do with most of my guilty-pleasure films :D

  3. Lady Lupton says:

    I’ll catch it on DVD because of, you know, Jeremy Renner’s ass. But I can already tell the accents will annoy me to death.

  4. GoodCapon says:

    Just your typical action flick. Meh. I’ll still be watching it though to meet my yearly dose of Renner a$$.

    Are fairy tales set to follow the tracks comic books have taken into the big screen? If so, I’m all for seeing a movie adaptation of The 12 Dancing Princesses or The Six Swans. I love those stories.

    • Justyna says:

      I wonder what they’ll do when they’ll run out of comic books and fairytales? Maybe crossovers? Cinderella got bored with Prince Charming and decided to escape with Thor and his hammer, Snow White found out her Prince had a steamy affair with the Huntsman, moved to Gotham City and became a new man-hating Batman villain, Sleeping Beauty was awaken by Tony Stark who invited her to join the Avengers and helped her get revenge on the wicked-witch etc. etc. In HW everithing seems possible.

  5. serena says:

    I love Jeremy and some action so, yes, I’ll watch this. This doesn’t seem like a great movie, but I guess it wasn’t made to be one.

    Gretel/Gemma kind of pisses me off for some reason.

  6. sarah says:

    Oh I think it looks like fun. I’ll watch it onDemand or something.

  7. Waldemar says:

    Gemma Arterton has the best voice in the business. I put on Prince of Persia over and over again, just to hear her talk.

  8. Photo Jojo says:

    Whenever a really great actor becomes attached to a horrible movie, I always wonder how differently the finished product looks from the script and treatment the actors originally got. I mean, you can get a great script, great vibes from the director and producers and then have the process turn to crap. By that time, you’re stuck, you’ve been shooting for weeks and what other choice is there but to soldier on?

  9. Petri says:

    It looks too much like 2004 Van Helsing so I’ll pass.

  10. Mia 4S says:

    The fact that it is rated R intrigues me. I thought it looked crazy bad in a good way to be honest, and the director’s last film was this insane zombie thing called Dead Snow. I’ll go for the guilty pleasure but I am willing to be surprised.

    • TheOriginalKitten says:

      I mean, unabashed campiness can be good fun, especially in the horror genre, which has a tradition of celebrating the absurd. “Hobo with a Shotgun” anyone? But still, I don’t know if this is horror or just a reimagined fairytale or both. Poor Renner…

    • Polk8dot says:

      The trailer makes it look atrocious.
      But the movie’s official IMDB page classifies it as ‘Action, COMEDY, Horror’, so that may explain the campiness of it. The moment someone decided to make it into a ‘horror-comedy’ it had nowhere left to go but into the spoof territory. With this genre Mel Brooks comes to mind immediately, only his movies were awesome (even the most stupid ones). This one IS NOT GOOD. Had they tried some smart dialog and fully fledged characters, it might have been real fun. But it seems that all the budget went into the costumes, arms and locations, leaving the scrip/story in the hands of cheap amateurs with zero familiarity with and no respect for classic tales. SHAME. Even Jeremy will not be enough to make me watch more than just a preview. As to Gemma – can’t stand her voice and accent. Nails on a chalkboard. And she seems to be acting in a completely different movie than Jeremy is (she seems to be embracing the campiness, while he is in a pure action-flick mode). Such schism could only result in disaster. Bummer.

  11. mrsezc says:

    I couldn’t finish watching the trailer :( .. I think Jeremy needs a new agent!! Looked worse than horrible (is that even possible?)

  12. The Original Mia says:

    Didn’t he sign on to this before Bourne, Avengers, and MI4? Or maybe this was done after MI4? Can’t remember. Either, it paid the bills. Every actor has a stinker. I’ll give him a pass.

    It doesn’t look that bad. Cheesy fun. Is it supposed to be something more? Hansel & Gretel?

  13. Boo says:

    Gosh, he’s such a good actor but–to me–sooooo unattractive.

  14. Yaya says:

    Where can i watch his ass??? Did i miss something?… what is everybody talking about?

  15. Esmom says:

    “Son, you’ve appeared in far too many criticially acclaimed and financially successful movies over the past five years. It’s time to mix it up and do a really crappy film.”

    LMAO. Sounds about right!

  16. togsos says:

    It’s directed by Tommy Wirkola, seriously the man gave us nazi zombies, it’s produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, it has SOOOOO much fabulous cheese potential, it could be the new Army of Darkness, hell failing that it has Renner’s leather clad ass, for me this is WIN!

  17. curegirl0421 says:

    He was thinking “Damn but I look good in leather, and alllll the bitches love it, plus I get mad movie money. Sold!” I don’t fault him a bit, and I will totally see this. I don’t even care.

  18. apsutter says:

    When are movies stop going to use those stupid Matrix-y fighting moves?!! I am so sick of the slow back bend to avoid bullets and such. It was old literally 6 months after the original Matrix came out.

  19. Melissa says:

    Terrible dye job on Renner. Better make sure he doesn’t sweat or it’s gonna start rolling down his face!

  20. Hubbahun says:

    He could appear on screen for two hours reciting recipes and I’d still watch – it does look like a cheesetastic film but I don’t care… IT’S RENNER. I f*cking LOVE him.

  21. Dahlia1947 says:

    Ugh no way. He looks so out of place here! He’s doing all the action stuff that he looks so hot in, but it just looks weird in this period setting.

  22. j.eyre says:

    I don’t know – I love Renner, I love witches and I love spectacle. And to top it all off – FAMKE.

  23. Onyx XV says:

    OMG, that looks like the exact opposite of the kind of movie I like. In every conceivable way. Just ICK.

  24. Magz says:

    I dont think hes that cute. Kinda has a squished face but seems like a cool dude.

  25. pinchofsalt says:

    Yikes. He needs much lighter hair!

  26. jen7waters says:

    I’ll watch it!! It’s Hawkeye!

  27. Camille (The original) says:

    It looks badly cast for starters. But yeah, this movie looks terrible, but now I want to see it (I hadn’t even heard of it before seeing this trailer lol).

  28. maxwell says:

    lots of really talented actors get stuck in a crap movie now and then–just look at gary oldman. but that’s ok, ’cause some of his worst films are also some of my faves! it doesn’t make me love gary any less.
    and i do love jeremy renner! this one might stick…!

  29. ZenB!tch says:

    It reminds me of Red Riding Hood and I HATED Red Riding Hood. I was expecting pretty witches like in the Great and Power ful Oz. People don’t usually cast Famke Jansen when they want ugly.

    Oh and I am not huge on Gemma Atherton. I find her forgettable.

  30. Charlotte says:

    So…I predict this to be the storyline:
    The witch they ‘killed’ first will turn out to be Famke (who popped up for a split second there) luring the village children to get H & G’s attention and thus, she gets her revenge…except that they’ll kill her again real good dead this time. Am I right? I bet I’m right.