An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan, from Jessie

Dear Lindsay,

In the last year or so, your career and personal life have taken a bit of a nosedive to put it mildly, and a lot of negative adjectives now come to the public’s mind when people mention your name. Drama queen. Mess. Rehab. Firecrotch. No one seems to think of you as ‘Lindsay Lohan, actress’ anymore.

It has also come to my attention that you’re starting to develop another reputation you might want to avoid in Hollywood. Lindsay, honey–you’re beginning to get known as a bad liar. I know you’re not the only one on this planet who tells a fib every once in a while, but if you’re going to go on insisting on being a celebrity, please be aware that if you are caught out saying huge whoppers, it’s going to get covered by the media and read by millions of people all over the world. This is far worse than being caught out by your mom for sneaking out to Harry Morton’s house last Friday night–when you mess up now, missy, everyone is going to know about it. If you don’t get it under control, people outside of your inner circle are going to start thinking you’re two chocolate chips short of a cookie.

Let’s handle today’s problem, now that you have been caught out by Stevie Nicks for saying that you were going to play her in a biopic of her life:

From Blender Magazine:

“Blender: Is it true that Lindsay Lohan is going to play you in a movie?

Stevie: “Lindsay Lohan thinks she is going to play me!! But what the hell movie does she think she’s talking about?? There is no book, there is no screenplay, there is no movie without me, because it’s never going to be the story of ME. Even though alot has been written about me, the fact is nobody actually has a clue to what my life was really like. So, good luck Lindsay!”

Lindsay, please read this carefully: I’m not advocating lying because we all know it’s wrong to do it, but if you are going to lie to people, at least tell believable lies. Like the time when you said you were planning a “mission” to Africa with Hilary Clinton. Come on, we all know you probably confused ‘Africa’ with ‘Columbia’ and ‘Hilary Clinton’ with ‘your dealer’. Or the time you ran into Al Gore at the GQ Men of the Year event when you were really there cruising for a date, and then told everyone he was your BFF and PR saviour. Talking at someone incoherently for five minutes does not a friendship make!

Lindsay, you need to get this situation in hand before the studios start thinking you are more unreliable than you already are. First, start by telling the truth every once in a while. For example, say something like “Why yes, that is Absolut in my water bottle, would you like to share?” Then, you can start by telling small half truths, like “No, I don’t buy Strawberry Nesquick in bulk to cut my cocaine in it. I buy it so I can make lovely strawberry milkshakes with my sister, Ally”.

I think that should about cover it. On another note, I have read that you are interested in playing Princess Diana in a movie of her life. Please be aware that Princess Di had more grace in her left pinky finger than you possess in your entire body at the moment (as you are always breaking your hand and having other accidents), so you may not be seen as the best choice when they cast this role. However, you may have a chance as Prince William is looking for ‘fun’ girls at the moment, so if you are nice enough to him I’m sure he can put in a good word with the casting directors when they start looking for someone to play the part.

Keep up the good work and send my love to your mother (See what I did there? What I just said was not such an obvious lie that it could be caught by the untrained eye).

Jessie

---

Note by Celebitchy: Header image is an older picture of Lindsay from when she broke her wrist.