Lindsay Lohan wants JK Rowling & EL James to ghost-write her ‘sexy’ memoir

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We’ve heard the rumors before now. Every so often, the tabloids recycle the same old rumor, that Lindsay Lohan is going to “write” a memoir about her cracked-out, wild-child days. We’ve been hearing that for years, and I was just going to ignore this latest story, but there are a few details that made me laugh and laugh. Enjoy:

Lindsay Lohan’s been doing more than clubbing during her English summer. The Liz & Dick star “held meetings at major publishing houses in London recently,” an insider told the UK Sun, regarding the prospects of a tell-all book with details so salacious, it might make Fifty Shades of Grey aficionados blush.

“The stories she promised the literary agents made their jaws drop.”

The source went on to say that the raspy-voiced Long Island native, 28, wouldn’t likely disappoint readers with a vanilla product.

“She’s prepared to put everything out there, and has already proved she’s not shy with the list of men she claims to have slept with,” in reference to the Wild Child’s purported Jan. 2013 celebrity roll call that included Heath Ledger, James Franco, Adam Levine, Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell and Joaquin Phoenix, among others.

Currently, The Canyons starlet is in the process of “looking for a ghost writer.

“It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting (Fifty Shades of Grey) E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well. Another pie in the sky idea was that she might persuade J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter) to work with her.”

[From Radar]

LOL, JK Rowling. That’s has given me a serious giggle fit. I too want to write a memoir and I think Donna Tartt should work on it!! That’s also what makes me think that Lindsay is the one behind this current crop of rumors – thinking that JK Rowling would help ghost-write Lindsay’s memoir is one of the most incredible crack delusions I’ve ever heard. So, it’s Classic Lindsay. EL James wouldn’t work on it either. Lindsay should try to get whomever ghost-writes Katie Price’s books. As for the subject matter… why would we need to read a memoir about something that LL is going to give us for free, by leaking to all of the tabloids?

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Photos courtesy of LL’s Instagram, Fame/Flynet.

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81 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan wants JK Rowling & EL James to ghost-write her ‘sexy’ memoir”

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  1. Brin says:

    I think Stephen King would be more appropriate since this will be a horror.

    • Nicolette says:

      True he gave us The Shining, now he could give us The Cracken.

    • TheOriginalKitten says:

      Hahaha… Nooooo, not my Stephen!

      My favorite one-line wonder is back! Nice to “see” you, Brin :)

    • bettyrose says:

      No, a fantasy writer like J.K. is perfect to write a work of young adult fiction. First Lindsay gets accepted to Hogwarts. She initially shows promise as a teen witch, but then she develops an addiction to butter beer.

      • PunkyMomma says:

        *snort*

      • JennySerenity says:

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

        The Cracken’s delusional sense of self-importance is unreal. Sorry England, but if you don’t find a way to get her out of your country, she will start wrecking cars, running over highway cones and crack-heisting jewelry. She will gain infamy as the Cracken Who Swallowed the British Isles. Maybe you can find the eject button and fling her into someplace like Sierra Leone.

        Too harsh?

      • Bread and Circuses says:

        Later in life, everyone laments the waste of her talents. Never had the world seen a teen witch so exceptional at making other people’s property disappear.

    • gefeylich says:

      Yeah, and Lohan would have as much success enlisting him as she would Rowling or Tartt. While James is more her speed (bad, low-rent, delusional, deceitful), even she would laugh at Lohan.

      File this alongside Lohan’s belief that she will one day win an Oscar.

  2. kikikat says:

    I hear the Jenner girls’ ghostwriter is available

  3. DanaG says:

    Well Lindsay can make things disappear. LOL She really is on something no matter how much she or her father keep protesting. I’m a little suprised no one has asked about her big play. She has been away from London partying here, there and everywhere for a few weeks so much for rehersals or that is a real play for that matter. Much like JK Rowling writing her memoirs not going to happen. What don’t we know about Lindsay anyway? We know most of she has slept with and her version of her life will be nothing like the reality so it would have to go under fiction anyway.

    • LAK says:

      To be fair, I saw play bill posters for the play in the evening standard last month with LL front and centre, so this play is legit.

      Whether she’ll make the play as opposed to her understudy remains to be seen.

      • Auntie NICOLE says:

        That’s nice. What does it tell you when the posters feature only polygraph-killer Linds, when she’s just a supporting player? The other two roles are the primaries, Linds has a lot fewer speaking lines. Smoke and mirrors……. LOTS of smoke.

      • lower-case deb says:

        lots of smoke
        …and not enough mirrors in the world to convince her to stop messing with her lips.

        that being said, i hope that the play goes well. perhaps i’m an eternal optimist? i hope this will be the time she turns over a new leaf (or maybe the whole forest).

      • TheOriginalKitten says:

        Go see it and report back, LAK!

      • JennySerenity says:

        LAK, planning on attending? Would love to hear local news concerning how many times her understudy has stepped in for her.

  4. Seapharris7 says:

    EL James is a thief & a terrible writer… So she’s perfect

    • PunkyMomma says:

      Bingo! Totally agree with you about EL James.

      Fifty Shades of Cracken

    • maybeiamcrazy says:

      I know she is a terrible writer but thief? Please dish. :)

      • PunkyMomma says:

        @maybeiamcrazy – FFSOG is Twilight fan fiction. Master of the Universe

      • Seapharris7 says:

        PUNKY said it. 50 Shades is a fanfic based off Twilight, it’s even mentioned on the copywright of the book that sold MILLIONS. And is now being made into a god awful movie. I weep for authors who can actually write & do not blatantly rip off a largely successful series & then use their thesaurus for every other word. Or somehow take a story that should be 100 pages tops & string it out into 3 books!

        Sorry, I get stabby about how unbelievably stupid the hype of that *book* is. Ladies, if you want to read p0rn – just read it – but don’t read p0rn written by a third grader.

      • maybeiamcrazy says:

        Good to know. I always put Twilight and FSOG in the same category anyway. Now I know it was intended.

    • Happyhat says:

      That’s what I was thinking – this is right up EL James’(s?) alley.

      “That’s when I saw him; he wore a goatee and a baseball cap that was on backwards and which made me flush ‘down there’. “Oh my,” I thought in my brain; the way his white vest clung to his bulky muscles made me flush again and my inner goddess soared. After we did it, he seemed really sad and he went and played on his expensive guitar, like totally in the nude. The way his willy flippy-flopped about as he hit those high chords made me all flushed again, and I was thinking “Oh my, he’s so sad yet so handsome! Abusive, yet like, not really. I can change him!” I flushed. “You should totally go down to the Chateau Marmont right now,” my Inner Goddess suggested. And, like, she was totally right! I blushed.”

      • Seapharris7 says:

        Ms “English major who doesn’t own a computer” blushes & flushes so much I think she seriously needs to see a doctor. But I’m sure Mr “Insanely Controlling No a Redeeming Quality but $$” will tell her she’s just fine. As long as she continues eating & doing everything he wants even if she doesn’t want too.

      • Lady Macbeth (Hiddles F.) says:

        @Happyhat

        Oh noooo, is that an extract from that book’s page? OMG OMG even primary school pupils know that abusive people can’t be changed because ‘being abusive’ is not like you have a disease and you can be cured. People choose to be abusive.
        And EL James is in her early 50ies now… with a first grade education I guess :(

      • Happyhat says:

        @Lady Macbeth

        Ha, no, it’s what I’d imagine EL James would write for Lohan!

        But that’s pretty much what I imagine both EL James and Lohan truly believe too, hence why they’d be perfect for eachother.

      • Bread and Circuses says:

        “…which made me flush ‘down there’.”

        :D The true meaning of “firecrotch” finally revealed.

      • JennySerenity says:

        OMG, good catch on “firecrotch”. Upon further consideration, Lindsay deserves EL James and she might be an upgrade from 50 Shades. Did I actually just say that??

  5. Tanguerita says:

    I completely forgot about this “Dick and Liz”disaster. And yes, as JK Rowling writes crime novels now, she totally write Cracken into one of them. She might even kill her character off on the second page and be done with it.

  6. Samigirl says:

    JK would break my heart.

    • Erinn says:

      Well, she’s already broken my heart multiple times over the HP series, I suppose I should get used to it? Hahaha, honestly… just the thought of her writing this made me laugh out loud.

  7. Belle Epoch says:

    She really has adopted England, hasn’t she? What would happen if she shopped her book in New York? I want to know what happened to her as a Disney child, and what she has over all the courts that allows her to avoid jail constantly – oh, and who those shady old men are she hangs with, and what they do with her. I couldn’t care less about movie stars banging.

    • theoriginalbellaluna says:

      Belle – Rumor has it WO and/or MiLo filmed her while underage with some very powerful people in Hollyweird, and threaten to release those pedophilliaphic masterpieces (heavy sarcasm) whenever Blohan gets into legal trouble. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but what other possible reason could there be for her consistent lack of legal accountability after all she’s done?

      Also, those shady old men are her johns, to whom WO pimps out Blohan. WO does, after all, get her 15% off the top, and vodka and blow ain’t free. ;)

      • Belle Epoch says:

        Thank you, TOB. Aaarrgghhhh my brain doesn’t want to go there! So her mother has been selling her to creepy old men since she was a child? It almost makes me feel sorry for her. But then I remember her trail of devastation – “lost” pocketbooks, trashed trailers, stolen coats, stolen jewelry, stolen clothes, bar fights, innumerable scenes, and EPIC lies… The miscarriage lie pretty much killed any sympathy I might have had for her.

  8. eliza says:

    This has to be a joke, right????? A “sexy” memoir of her STD infested life of lies?

    Why do people give this dirty criminal the time of day?

    On a semi related note, I caught the last 20min of The Canyons last week at 3a.m when my insomnia kicked in. OMG! The acting was sooooooo bad it made Showgirls look like Shakespeare. Lohan was never a good actress after becoming older, but good grief, her skills now are embarrassingly bad. I just don’t get how she still gets jobs. Anyone else would be working in Macy’s by now.

  9. grabbyhands says:

    Man, the deep delusion just NEVER stops with this girl. Yes, I’m sure J.K. Rowling is calling her even now, begging for this job.

    But E.L. James is a good pick-a terrible, tacky ass “writer” for what I’m sure will be a 300 page exercise in “it’s not my fault” sprinkled with “__________” was my best friend and soul mate and we had sex all the time.

  10. maybeiamcrazy says:

    Shouldn’t her cracken days be over before she writes a memoir about them? Why would anyone want to read a book about something that is still happening? This girl is delusional.

  11. Sara says:

    Her tattoos are awful.

    • Size Does Matter says:

      Are those biohazard triangles on her biceps? That would be awesome.

      I also think her book could be awesome. I would totally read it.

    • JennySerenity says:

      IKR? The fact that she is clearly trying to go for a sophisticated, elegant look here is definitely offset by those dreadful tattoos. And could she PLEASE stop w/ the cheesy blowing a kiss thing?? Time for a new schtick.

  12. Nuzzybear says:

    This should be a Glanville tome. No other writer would do.

  13. MisJes says:

    Bahahaha…hahaha! This current delusion of bagging J K Rowling as a ghost writer is as awesome as the one she had when she tweeted about making a film with Jennifer Lawrence. You wish, Blohan.

  14. INeedANap says:

    You know what? It’s not a bad idea. Maybe they can help explain the mystery of how a strung- and cracked-out LiLo can still get billionaires to pay for the “pleasure” of her company.

  15. Kcarp says:

    We can only hope Harry Potter finishes her in the end The Crackhead Who Must Not Be Named, The Klepto-Lord, it can go on and on.

  16. Auntie NICOLE says:

    As soon as I read “Lindsay wants…”, I deemed the story insignificant, and continued on to the comments, where the real story always is.

  17. Beth says:

    HAHAHAHAHA EL James should not be in the same sentence with JK Rowling, first of all.

  18. Green Is Good says:

    The name of J.k. Rowling should NEVER be in the same sentence as the Apricot Ashtray and the woman who turned Twilight fan fiction into a POS (yet inexplicably best selling) book.

  19. Bess says:

    The Cracken is still posting selfies from somewhere in the Mediterranean. When are the rehersals supposed to start for her big London?

  20. iheartjacksparrow says:

    “… about her cracked-out, wild-child days.” Isn’t she still in that phase of her life?

  21. Anoneemouse says:

    Seeing as how no one believes a word she says, how can she possibly believe we would believe a word she writes?

  22. JustCurious says:

    The Cracken is in Mykonos these days… Mykonos is the island of partying and is full of paparazis.. She chose to go there and still plays the victim http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wZYozBfphM#t=59!

  23. The Original Mia says:

    Water meet screen. HAHAHA! Lord, the delusion is high in this one.

  24. NewWester says:

    Someone should write a book on how Lindsay manages to vacation and party all over the world. She hardly works. Where is she getting the money to pay for it?. That would be a truly scary read

  25. rkintn says:

    I definitely don’t get why she’s still run in the same circles as those with money. Surely there are prettier, younger, smarter women who these guys could pay for pleasure of their company. Everything about her is washed up and nasty. I just don’t get it.

  26. kri says:

    Lindsay Lohan+EL James at The Chiltern Firehouse=the CF is so over.

  27. Kat says:

    I want Phillip Roth to ghost write my book!

  28. EscapedConvent says:

    Hahahaha! She wants JK Rowling, eh? That’s hysterical.

    I am so bummed that I can’t get F. Scott Fitzgerald or Thomas Hardy to write my memoirs.

  29. maria says:

    delusional.

  30. Anastasia says:

    That picture of her in the lime green bathing suit always makes me chuckle. I need to save it so I can look at it when I’m feeling down.

  31. Bread and Circuses says:

    “She’s prepared to put everything out there, and has already proved she’s not shy with the list of men she claims to have slept with,”

    Glad she’s finally admitting that list wasn’t oh-so-innocently forgotten on a table where the tabloid press oh-so-despicably got their hands on it.

    As for mentioning J K Rowling, A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Clearly Lindsay doesn’t read much and was groping around for the name of some writer — any writer — she *had* heard of, and which her ego could accept as sufficiently prestigious to tongue-wash Lindsay’s butt.

    Yeah, what do you suppose JK Rowling would charge for ghost-writing, Lindsay? Given she can make millions by writing her own books, how much do you think you’d have to pay her to take time off to write your book instead? There’d be no profits left over for you, Lindsay; just sayin’.

    And E L James would pose a similar problem, although at least she knows how to write smut. That makes her a marginally better choice than a freakin’ children’s book writer, OMG.

  32. icecream says:

    Lol at her delusions, much like her certainty that she’ll win an Oscar before 30. LOL.

    Anyway, holy bruise on her bicep in the 1st pic though, hope she got paid well for it. Ouch.

  33. Mixtape says:

    JKR to LiLo: I’m very flattered, I assure you, but as a former author of children’s books, I fear your life story would be a bit too blue for my refined English prose.

    ELJ to LiLo: I’m also very flattered, but as an author of soft-core fan fic that has set women’s rights back 50 years, I fear your life story would be a bit too sad and skanky for my tastes.

  34. GIRLFACE says:

    Wow.

  35. Ice Queen says:

    Basically she wants one of the best writers and one of the worst writers to write her memoir. Interesting and impossible. Or maybe delusional.

  36. LAK says:

    LOL!!!

  37. Ronia says:

    I just realized why I can’t stand both Lohan and Miranda Kerr’s faces – the noses! Like elephant trunks, equally wide from top to bottom, start right from between the eyebrows, straight but short, sticking ahead. Brrr.

  38. Auntie NICOLE says:

    Yes. I’m sure it will be every bit as successful as DUIna’s book “A Parent Gacked”.
    Copies sold: 0. Status: Unavailable.

  39. Hot Farts says:

    **Crackie Firecrotch and the Drug Dealer’s Bone L M A O

  40. lisa says:

    what the hell is on her lip in the top picture?

    that bruise is shaped like australia

    • Bread and Circuses says:

      I thought it was just the shadow cast by her inflated lips, but now I’m wondering if it is unfortunate bronzer applied to accentuate her inflated lips.

      The bruise actually has a stripe that wraps around the front of her arm, although it doesn’t show up well in that photo. Check out the one where she’s standing; that dirty-looking patch above her tattoo is bruise.