Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goopletter teaches peasants how to yawn properly

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It’s been a while since I’ve written about Gwyneth Paltrow’s increasingly inane Goop postings. I stopped caring when Goop became more corporate and when the weekly Goop-letters became less personal. Back in the day, you could really hear Gwyneth’s (snotty) voice in her Goop-letters and it felt like she was really speaking to us, for better and for worse. Now that the whole thing is Goop Inc, she has other people writing her newsletters. And the latest one is… amazingly stupid. It is called “Why Yawning Is Important – and How to Optimize the Reflex.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Dame Gwyneth is going to teach us to YAWN.

YAWN #1

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed. Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.

Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

[From Goop.com]

Next week’s Goopletter will be “How to Properly Roll One’s Eyes: A Goop Tutorial.” I mean, what else? How to Breathe? How to Sip Water? How to Twiddle One’s Thumbs? How to Hold One’s Breath Underwater? Is this the bottoming out of the self-help/lifestyle genre, when we’re getting advice on how to YAWN?

Last thing: just to prove that she and Brad Falchuk never, ever broke up and she’s the only person in the world elite enough to turn her jumpoff into a full-fledged boyfriend, Gwyneth is now on vacation with Falchuk – go here to see the photos.

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Photos courtesy of WENN.

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91 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goopletter teaches peasants how to yawn properly”

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  1. Catwoman says:

    Her hair offends me.

  2. frivolity says:

    Yawn …

    Oh, sorry .. Dammit! I did that wrong … Let me try that again ….

    • Loopy says:

      I hope this is a joke.

      • cherylr says:

        I actually think I emit a spray of peasant spittle from the back of my throat when I yawn largely containing peasant venom which is one of my natural peasant defense mechanisms since my people were denied access to more advanced weaponry by the goopesque nobility.

        So I am just going to yawn wrong and hiss at her carriage and know this was brought on when she saw JLaw yawn wrong.

      • belle de jour says:

        @cherylr: Mother Nature is incredible, isn’t She? All that Darwinian evolution & the like. Thanks for making my own sangfroid run even cooler, and for stimulating my defensive laugh mechanism to thwart & confuse any natural enemies.

    • Lama Bean says:

      Lol! How gauche! Please continue to work on it until you get your whispery breath right.

      Like–WTF????

      Funny how she is giving us a tutorial on how to yawn but never mentions the proper etiquette if you yawn in public.

      • Who ARE these people? says:

        Right, I thought it was going to be about that … when to cover your mouth with a full open hand vs when to pat it gently while murmuring, “Oh, my,” vs when to cut the yawn off abruptly and say, “It’s not you!” and so on.

        Yawners gonna yawn…

    • Sos101 says:

      Don’t forget to tear at the end. Funny enough, reading Goop’s steps on yawning brought automatic tears to my eyes.

    • Tulip Garden says:

      Ha! Did anyone a actually read the instructions?! Couldn’t bring myself to do it, Not even for a laugh….eyeroll was automatic!

  3. Angie says:

    Nobody had ever taught me how to properly yawn before…shame on you Mom – thanky you GOOP!!! Feel like a million bucks now

  4. Jill says:

    Please tell me this is a joke…

  5. Kiddo says:

    She experiences a lot of yawns directed at her. She wants them done right.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      *snortlaugh*

    • Snazzy says:

      What the heck is Ujjayi breathing? If I’m going to yawn I suppose I am going to have to figure out what it is …

      • chaine says:

        it’s a yoga breathing technique… the average person is not going to have a clue what this is unless they have been to yoga classes taught by someone that espouses a particular type of yoga.

    • BengalCat2000 says:

      LOL!

    • j.eyre says:

      Oddly, the tearing up,started when I realized GOOP was trying to teach me how to yawn.

    • laura in LA says:

      Yes, I couldn’t even get through reading that without yawning…

      (How will I ever know if I’m doing it right?)

      Next GOOP posts:

      How to Be Bored – and Boring
      How to Put People to Sleep by Your Mere Presence
      How to Make an Impression – Be Insufferable Every Time You Speak

  6. SamiHami says:

    How to yawn:

    Step 1: Watch a Gwyneth Paltrow movie.

    That is all.

  7. Sullivan says:

    I gave The Goop Yawn a shot. 😝

  8. kri says:

    I think that GOOP and Sophie Hunter need to meet and begin a Pretentious Twit club. They are so posh and avant-garde and spiritual, you guys. We are lucky to be living on the same planet.

  9. Mira says:

    With anybody else you’d know they were joking but Gwyneth doesn’t have a sense of humour. This is how genuinely inane she is.

  10. Mary says:

    What did I just read?

  11. Nev says:

    Hahahahaha
    Ultimate Mean Girl. Maybe she’s bored with all the criticism. I love this. Awesome.

  12. swack says:

    Do you even have control over when you yawn? For goodness sake!

    • Jessica says:

      Of course you do. When you want to yawn, just think about yawning for a few seconds. That’ll do it.

  13. embertine says:

    Surely she’s just trolling us at this point. In the exciting next instalment: how to moisturise your eyelids using squashed Caspian caviar and rare goat droppings!

  14. Green Is Good says:

    She’s trawling ud, right?

  15. Katherine says:

    Her face seems strange. Botox or surgery? Her cheeks looks bigger

  16. Bella says:

    I just don’t understand how this woman has any fans at all.

  17. Naddie says:

    I don’t know how I could ever sleep without knowing this. Gwyneth, what a gift to mankind you are *yawns*.

  18. lowercaselois says:

    I am going to yawn just reading her newsletter, boring.

  19. Maya says:

    When will she disappear from our radar and teach us how to miss her????

  20. Ronda says:

    Please Goopy, never change. This is amazing, comedians dont come up with stuff this hilarious.

  21. Anchor says:

    Oh, Goopster, Yawning Sensei, why didn’t you attach a video demonstration with you yawning comme il faut? It would have been successful. Go viral or go home!

  22. Izzy says:

    I just told my co-worker about this. Here’s how it went down:

    ME: Just so you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest GOOP newsletter is “How to yawn properly.”
    CO-WORKER: What…?
    ME: I don’t know.
    CO-WORKER: OK, but why, I mean, is there a reason for this…?
    ME: I don’t know.
    CO-WORKER: What the f— is wrong with her?
    ME: I don’t know.
    CO-WORKER: *snorts tea out of nose*

    • boredblond says:

      How did they know how to snort without instructions from goopster? I just can’t wait for the sneezing lesson…

      • SuePerb says:

        Ohh I am waiting for that too. I get my sneezes mixed up with my hiccups and end up in a choking fit. Hurry up Goop before I end up drowning during my next cold.

      • Izzy says:

        My co-worker is an expert. She can out-snort Goopy any day.

  23. funcakes says:

    In the mornings I like to sit, stretch and yawn loud as possible. I do it because I’m tired from working a fifty hour with no day’s off. Its way of blowing off steam.

    Now when I do this every morning I will yawn even louder and smile knowing
    Goop would hate this.

  24. Azurea says:

    And I thought it was ridiculous when Martha Stewart demonstrated how to wipe the kitchen counter as one cooks.

  25. Easypeasy123 says:

    I didn’t realize how hot he is

    • Blackcat says:

      1. I don’t find her even remotely attractive. What do men see in her? Seriously, she’s not even a blip on my 1-10 radar.

      2. I don’t give a fuzz on a rat’s behind about her tedious yawn instructions.
      My yawn directive is : Please cover your mouth when you yawn. So tired of seeing big ‘old wide yawning mouths.

  26. Marie says:

    I really love that headerphoto is used so often when there is a Goop story

  27. Tracy says:

    Unbelievable. Think of the accomplishments Gwyneth could make to the world if she would just decide to focus on something… anything… of real value.

  28. meme says:

    that she was able to write this little yawning lesion with a straight face ASTOUNDS me no end.

  29. Jem says:

    Next up: Goop shows is the proper way to queef …

  30. FingerBinger says:

    This has to be trolling. People write about Goop then we end up going to the site. She’s smart.

  31. Pondering thoughts says:

    Okay Goop’s description is considered slightly ridiculous but only because Gwyneth is known for “teaching the peasants”. But really this instruction ain’t no different from that what many therapists and yoga teachers teach their pupils. So I hope this puts things back into proportions.
    Sometimes I am touched that Gwyneth tries to improve peoples’ lifes.

    However, I would like to suggest a few more topics which Goop could cover:
    - How to blow your nose most effectively.
    - How to scratch yourself for your greatest pleasure.
    - How to clean your derriere properly. (Warning: Involves medical gloves.)

    (Not being entirely serious in the last paragraph.)

  32. Helo says:

    HaHaHaHaHa (deeeep inhale) HaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!…..

    At this point, Goop the Queen of twits is trolling the peasants…right?!.

  33. Helo says:

    Hey Blythe (Momma Goop)Danner…what was that again about all the peasants being jealous of your Gooptastic kid and all her amazing accomplishments???…

  34. I Choose Me says:

    All I got out of this was that just reading or thinking about yawning makes me yawn.

  35. Dr.Funkenstein says:

    I yawned just thinking of her. I didn’t do it right, but I’m going to chalk that up to creative license.

  36. lucy2 says:

    Thank goodness someone finally taught us the secret. I’ve been trying to yawn with my eyes open and mouth closed all these years…I hope a blinking lesson is next.

  37. Triple Cardinal says:

    Every time I convince myself that this woman has finally, irrevocably jumped the shark, she ups and proves me wrong.

  38. Tiffany says:

    Come on guys, are we seriously not going to talk about these photos from Italy. If they did not pose any harder, they could be contouring.

  39. Heartsease says:

    Dear Gwynnie, I’ve just eaten a whole stick of butter – sorry, that should read fried stick of butter – washed it down with cans of red-label Coke. Now I shall attempt to yawn but please be aware – I may just belch all over your self-satisfied, smug, delusion, wrinkly face. Please, just eff off.

  40. Gretchen says:

    Has she joined forces with #pippatips? They would make a fabulous team.

  41. SuePerb says:

    I am so glad she wrote that down. I have just photocopied it and taped it to every door in my house so next time I feel a yawn coming on I won’t be too far from instructions.

  42. smcollins says:

    I’m not sure what made me laugh harder, reading the post or everyone’s comments. Too. Much. This is just getting ridiculous now. She’s trolling us, right?

  43. Lana says:

    She is so incredibly obnoxious I cannot stand it.

  44. Krystal says:

    I was having a bad day but this post and the comments just turned my day around.. Thanks y’all

  45. Roberta says:

    Gwyneth Paltrow is stupid and should not be allowed to put her thoughts out into the world. She grew up privileged and thinks that the peasants (AKA the rest of us) need advice on how to yawn? What’s next, how to urinate properly? When will it end?

  46. Giddy says:

    I feel a yawn coming on. Help! Help! I don’t know the proper technique! I am doomed by my peasanty ways!
    *struggle, gasp, quietly strangles*

  47. Jonesy says:

    I believe the proper way to sh** is to use the GOOP-letter as toilet paper.

  48. bunny love says:

    Used to be Kimmy’s fashion choices were the gift that keeps on giving but this insufferable idiot is closing fast. You go girl.

  49. Carol says:

    Goopy is endlessly entertaining.

  50. Kat says:

    I’m starting to think she’s punking us all. Like a long-term version of Joaquin Phoenix’s “documentary”, but in website/newsletter form.

  51. Ally8 says:

    That retro Italian vacation with Falchuk looks like he’s had a crush on her since The Talented Mr. Ripley (a masterpiece, btw) and wanted his own reenactment with Marge Sherwood herself.

  52. Helo says:

    Ewww…a crush on THAT?…ewww. Just a world ewwww. Pasty, scrawny, insufferable Goop. UGH.

    My gag reflex just kicked in. Hey Goop, teach us peasants how to gag properly would you???. Next newsletter, I’m sure.

  53. AnotherDirtyMartini says:

    I have to wonder why Goopy insists on the lower eyeliner. It makes her already beady eyes look beadier.

  54. mollie says:

    She’s obnoxious but this is just a TMJ exercise. I have to do it to keep my neck and jaw muscles from tensing and irritating my TMJ.