The fact that Derek Luke, an African-American actor, is married to a Hispanic woman is not news to me. I remember Luke referencing his wife Sophia memorably at the Independent Spirit Awards many years ago, and I’ve seen photos of them on various red carpets many times before. It never really registered that their marriage was any kind of problem. But some people did take issue with the fact that an African-American man is married to a Hispanic woman. And that’s what is surprising. Seriously, y’all? Also surprising: Derek Luke is a vampire. He’s a baby-faced 41 year old and he’s been married to Sophia for 17 YEARS. That is what blows my mind.
Anyway, Derek went off on Instagram after he read some comments insulting his wife and insulting him for “marrying outside of his race.” Like that’s still a thing? Really? This is what Luke wrote:
I never usually entertain the opinions of others because everyone is entitled to they’re own opinion. (Positive or Negative)
But we’re in the year of 2015 & when should it be a “problem” to date outside of your race? Why is that an issue AGAIN? I’m doing the unusual & going through my comments & the comments I see about my wife being another race is bugging me out.
Who one chooses to date is that persons business.
Instead of focusing on (Happiness) & (pure Love) for some reason some folks are still focused on (Color). Doesn’t make any sense to me. But I guess that’s the ignorance of OTHERS.
My wife may not be Black but she is mine. And she’s mine with a heart of gold.
People are so quick to judge but can’t even distinguish the difference of another’s race.
Sophia Luke is Hispanic. She’s not white, she’s not black, she’s not Chinese, she’s Hispanic.
And she’s mine!!
THEIR own opinion. Not “they’re.” But other than that, I agree. I’ve never really understood the strong feelings some people have about interracial couples. Maybe that’s because I’m mixed race – I’m half-white and half-Indian – and I grew up in a weirdly oblivious bubble where I never even realized until I was out of my teens (that’s how late it was) that some people might have taken issue with my parents being together. Seriously, who cares? In a few more generations, everyone is going to look like Halle Berry and The Rock anyway.
Now can we talk about the really important issue: how is this man 41 years old?!
Photos courtesy of WENN.
It just shows how deeply racist the nation is. And sadly people are coming out of the shadow and showing themselves. Sadly social media has given them a place to vent it and do so viciously.
Yes, but in this case the racism is coming from within the black community. There are a lot of black women who feel the need to impose their standards on a black man as to who he can or can’t spend his life with. They feel personally invested in the decision of every black man. Black women (and some men) have major issues when they see a white woman (they probably identified his wife as white, which started this mess) with a black man. Its an open secret. If we are to truly become color blind, the black community needs to acknowledge their own part in the continuing problems. A man can chose to be with (as can a woman) whomever they like. Their relationship is for no one else to judge or give a stamp of approval too. To think otherwise is to project your own issues onto another person.
Very well said. Like Kaiser, I existed in a weirdly oblivious bubble to all of this until I started dating a Black man and experienced it for myself.
This is pretty spot on. I’m white, and I’ve dated black men in the past. The dirty looks I’d get in public was unreal. And that was in Canada. The guy would usually say ‘Yeah, that’s pretty normal.’ It was a real shock for me, as I never knew that was an issue. One guy I dated avoided going out in public with me, so as to ‘spare you the headache’. Whether he was telling the truth about his motivations or not, I appreciated the sentiment on a certain level. I worked with his sister, who was kind of nuts, and when she found out we were seeing each other she started harassing me at work. She had no problem with me before that, we even had lunch together every day. On the other hand, it’s also true that white men get pissed when they see a white woman with a man of another race. You don’t own me, guys! Live and let live, love is love.
@ crumpet
Plus a million! I had no idea how much racism still existed until I started dating my black husband.
I don’t have a problem with interracial couples but the whole “black men dating outside their race” is because a lot of black men will put down black women for many many reasons. So a lot of that hate (from WOC) comes from that…that black women deal with a special case of hate from people within their own race. We are seeing it come up in the Black Lives Matter movement where women will be out protesting for black men and issues important to them but when it comes to black women…crickets. I’ve had black men tell my friends they will never date black women because we are too “complicated” as if we don’t have enough self hatred.
Its a long and messy history that has more to do with just racism.
Either way love who you want is my motto…this couple is gorgeous
Thank you Alex, for all you said personally I don’t give a Single F*ck as most of my family, myself included is all over the place in dating/marrying interracially and really anyways Latinos are melting pots of everything as is.. but is true, a lot of you here have to understand that to a LOT of women that are black and want a black family ( i.e. little babies that look like them, that they can pass something better on to) this is an issue of many many different veins:
Is lack of numbers of GOOD suitable partners (in things like education/earning potential/not incarcerated, not f*ckboys) , disdain and sadness over that, worry of seeing their numbers shrink in turn, the lack of solidarity that Black Men often display for Black Women and their causes (Hoteps and such) , even the Historical Aspect of it all ( lynchings, the KKK as the protectorate of good white womanhood against these “animals” yet here we are where the perception is that to be a Truly successful Black Man you get a White Woman, fair assumption or not that is the narrative) and also the perception that white women are a Trophy to be had whereas an obviously black woman is less than, so is not just people throwing shade, is a LOT of things being put on a casual encounter about much bigger issues than “Oh he found Love with you” (which is also NOT a thought that comes at that moment)
Thank you for the insight, QQ. Much appreciated. These are my favorite types of threads on CB, because I learn a hell of a lot every time. Really grateful that we have so many thoughtful posters who are willing to share and facilitate growth.
+1 what Shambles said. This is such a complicated topic, but I’ve learned so much from the articulate and open posters here.
@sandy123 thank you for including that it happens with white men when white women date outside their race. It bugs me that people like to assume that this is JUST a black woman’s issue tho it is relevant to Derek’s case.
@QQ Yep luckily I haven’t experience THAT MUCH self hatred (maybe because I know many good black men) but that is not the case for a lot of WOC. These issues are rooted very deeply in the community
I read the Lipstick Alley site. The dissecting of the color of all the celeb couples’ parents is super intense. It’s like in every thread, how black someone is, and how black their romantic partner is, is the first thing to get out of the way and approve or not. It was enlightening as to how big of an issue that still is for some people and it’s just really unfortunate that there is a societal judgment that forces this sort of narrative.
Thank you for your comment Alex. I feel this really isn’t something that is talked about a lot, but your comments were spot on!
Thank you @marty 🙂
You mean “SOME” Black women. I could give 5 Fs about a Black Man/White Woman relationship, it’s so common you would think those that did have an issue would eventually get smarter or over it. Plus, I’m waiting for Tom Hardy’s proposal any day now, lol!
“the perception is that to be a Truly successful Black Man you get a White Woman”
And that’s one of the things that makes Obama so interesting because he chose a much darker woman to marry (albeit one who is totally badass, intelligent and gorgeous) . He didn’t follow the script in that regard.
I was a little scared to read through the comments because I wasnt sure that people would “get it” . I’m so glad that QQ and Alex and others have stepped in to explain. The fact is that a woman of Dereks complexion will not only have trouble finding a spouse but also be bombarded on a daily basis with messages of how “unattractive” she is. I was just on Reddit reading a very innocuous thread on the Movie sub that very suddenly degenerated into analysis of why black women are not cast as love interests in film. It was disgusting, and let me tell you everytime somebody threw in Halle Berry or Beyonce or Rihanna as very attractive black women they were shut down with the standard “thats coz they are mixed” and “exceptions to the rule” and “they aint that hot”.
I’m sure there are those relationships that are borne of pure untainted love but the fact is that black men, just as black women, are subjected to the attitude I describe above every single day. They are told that the true mark of sucesss is not just money, its a non black woman. I remember reading an article years ago about how there was a progressive increase in the number of black men with non black women depending on socio-economic status. The better he did, the less likely that he would settle with a black woman. And because non black men have also been trained to see black women as angry and ugly, they arent pairing up in compensatory numbers. The result of course is that black women comprise, by far. the highest percentage of unattached women.
So, I see where the anger comes from. Just to be clear, there are black men who just simply fell in love outside the race and werent affected by the politics around them. Derek may be one of them. I am just saying that theres much more going on with the issue than just fears of miscegenation.
I’m so glad you ladies have already put it out there why some black women have a problem with this. The other piece to mention is that black women “cannot” date white men in the same way perhaps because of this “black women are ugly” notion. It isn’t just that black women want “black families,” it is that they don’t think they have the option of dating white men. Statistically, it does happen much less.
As with the others who have commented, this isn’t my viewpoint and I have dated a lot of white guys. My husband is biracial and his mom is black.
This is so informative!
The racism isn’t just ‘coming from the black community.’ So many entitled little misogynistic racist white dudes (and some of their bigoted female counterparts) have such nasty, hateful, dehumanizing things to say about both parties when they see a white woman dating a black man. It’s sad. With some of them the racism is a little more subtle, but still very telling- if a white girl they find pretty is dating a black guy, they might say something along the lines of, “she must be dating him to feel like a bad girl” (that’s the tamest of it). There are also those who have a problem with white men dating Asian women.
You think it’s a national issue? Oh honey, please. My marriage in interracial and truthfully, while we’ve gotten some looks here in the states, most of it happened overseas. My husband is Arab, so that adds a second, awful layer on to it. Now I am not on social media, so I don’t deal with that stuff. But in the states it’s by and large mostly looks. Very few Americans will dare to say anything, least not to our faces. But in France, in Scandinavia – oof. The comments (and the blatant ignoring my husband in favor of me). The best was being asked – in seriousness – in Sweden if my daughter was “a little (Swedish n-word).” yeah, that happened. So that’s that.
France can be bad, especially in the rural areas. My husband and I honeymooned in the south of France. Total dream trip and still a very fond memory except for one incident where we were completely ignored at a restaurant, and the only thing we could see that could be a reason was that we were a mixed couple (he is British by Polish descent, I am African American). The look on my husband’s face of disbelief and then anger was nothing I’d seen til that point, as he had never experienced any level of shunning based on that. We were both in shock,but happily found about place to eat and went on to a marvelous honeymoon. That afternoon was the only really bad part of it.
I was once walking though a mall in Osaka with my Japanese husband and these two guys I’ve never seen before said ‘What is she doing with that Japanese guy??’ I lost my mind and reamed them out for a good 5 minutes. I hope they felt like they garbage that they truly are. Seriously, GFY.
I can see both sides of it. As one half of an interracial couple, myself, he’s right, people should be free to date and marry whom they please. That being said, I think Black women are sick and tired of being considered less desirable and being seen as something black men settle for (when they’re poor) and dumped as soon as they become successful. Add to that all the colorism in the world (I can’t even say just in the minority community) and it’s a festering wound. Seeing a successful, handsome black man with a non-black woman is just salt in the wound.
And, Derek, “Hispanic” is not a race.
But that’s what he said. He didn’t say she was a race. He said people can’t distinguish between race. People are thinking she’s White. That’s why he said she’ s Hispanic, she’s not Bkack, she’s not White, she’s not Chinese, she’s Hispanic. Basically he’s saying she’s not a race and people don’t realize that.
Another thing that really bugs me is how black women get treated by black men when they date white guys. A friend of mine was told that she was behaving like the slave who had sex with massa on the plantation. Crazy offensive. If more black women dated outside their race I bet it would be a wakeup call to black men to start treating them better.
Oh yes, that too. The grief you get if you are with a white man on the streets and someone feel like they need to say something to you, or give you a look. What is the RuPaul saying? The three F’s, if you’re not feeding, financing or f*cking me, mind your own business!
Yep, I’ve gotten lots of nasty comments when I’ve dated white men. Terrible comments from white AND black people.
Ever notice the number of commercials and print media featuring an interracial couple as white woman/black man far outnumber the black woman/white man couple ninety-nine to one? The most recent is a Gap commercial with a black male running up a spiral staircase like his life depended on it. The object of his desperation was a blond white woman at the top of the stairs looking down on him with a smirk on her face. In the majority of the commercials the white woman takes responsibility for the kids and the black man is sacked out on the couch.
The ad agencies create the perception of black women in society – the dark women have afros, the light women have long flowing blond weaves and contact lenses to look as white as possible. None of us are educated, we’re just welfare queens with a million kids working at a fast food restaurant. Wealthy or upper middle class blacks don’t exist in America
When everyone on the planet was taught to hate black women, black men weren’t off in an anechoic chamber, they were learning this, too. Imagine what it is to be the most hated across the world: you can’t. Date who you want, but leave me the hell out of Black Women are the worst: part nine thousand. I have no problems with interracial dating, there are a lot of interracial couples in my family and social circles. The moment I start the rolling my eyes is when people make black women the reason for them dating other people. Dating people out of spite is messed up, focus on the one you have, not the one to hurt. I’m glad people brought up the shared hated that a lot of people have of black women contributing to someof this nastiness rather than just fall into the tired mean negress trope. Ultimately, I’m too self-absorbed to care about people who wouldn’t want me, but I don’t like seeing this Sapphire caricature still being perpetrated.
All I see is a great looking couple who are committed to each other. What is wrong about that? The human race is a mess
Sorry, didn’t see this when I posted below. Agree 100%!
+ 1,000. They both look happy and ageless — so whatever they’re doing, bottle it up and give me some of it.
It’s nobody’s business who you date and who you marry. I suspect most of the comments came from black women who feel robbed when a white woman dates a black man. They feel slighted, like why wasn’t I good enough. It shouldn’t be like that but that’s how they feel. Things will change with time. The world will become one big melting pot. Too bad it’s not here yet.
Their beaming smiles suggest they are very happy together. More power to ’em.
They look amazing together and it really is annoying that this is still a problem
Just be happy 😀
At first I thought the headline read “17 year old wife” and I figured that’s what the controversy was over. I’m shocked that it’s because it’s an interracial couple.
They’re both extremely beautiful and look look like they’re in their thirties!
They look very connected and in love, that’s the only important thing – 17 years!!!! Wow!!!! People are very odd and racist, there will always be those obsessed with dragging everyone else into their misery and race is just one thing they might use.
What does it matter as long as you’re happy and health.
People always has something to criticise no matter how close to perfect you are.
I wish them a lifetime of love.
The wife is gorgeous.
I think he and Coco had their birth certificates switched.
I understand with what you’re saying. Heck, I’m black and my husband is white. That said, and I will catch hell for this double standard, but there is a lot more too it than “this is still a thing.” I gotta admit, even though I myself am in a “mixed marriage” it still kinda stings when I see a black man with a white woman. And there are a lot of reasons for that — both culturally and personally triggered. One of my friends once admitted that she felt the same way, and suggested that maybe it stung because it felt like another form of rejection. IDK, the older I get, the more I realize how “ugly” certain people view me because of my skin color and hair (I swear it feels like its getting worse some days, and its depressing as heck), and sometimes seeing a black guy with a white women feels like an extra kick in the teeth, or something. Especially when 85% of my black female friends can’t find a partner. IDK, it’s just a really touchy and complicated subject. Like I said, I both live and understand both sides of this coin.
That’s your own personal issues, but people shouldn’t have to choose their life partner based on how someone feels other than themselves. Interracial marriage is still in the minority, the majority of people, of any race, marry their own. If 85 % of your friends cannot find a partner, given how many men, African-American men there are, it isn’t because they are all married to or dating white women.
Racism is, unfortunately, alive with no stopping in sight, and it’s bad, it’s brutal, it’s wrong, and it’s inhuman. But we should let people choose who to love, African-American men have that right the same as any other race on earth.
Re: “given how many men, African-American men there are, it isn’t because they are all married to or dating white women.” You may want to look into this a bit more.
Secondly, I am not saying black men shouldn’t date and marry who they want. Never said that. Again, I married a white guy. I’m simply saying that it is a lot more complicated than people may first realize. It is an issue with a lot of nooks and crannies.
I understand that. But people should not question someone’s marriage just because they marry outside of their race nor feel offended. It’s a marriage, it’s sacred, and this one has been going strong for 17 years.
I’m not questioning anyone’s marriage. I was just speaking to the “this is still a thing?” rationale. Saying something “stings” is not “questioning” someone’s marriage. As far as the “sacred” thing goes….well, I guess that is a theological debate better left for another time.
According to the last census while still the smallest interracial relationships are the fastest growing form of relationship.
I think people should date who they like, have fun with and share values and goals with. If they have different skin colors who cares it’s the approach I take and it works great
I invite you all to check out this YouTuber Tommysotomayor and you will see why some Black women feel this way. Tommy is Black but tif you listen to the way he talks about Black women will shock and surprise you. He explains why Black men don’t want a Black woman and why Black me should stay away from Black women. By the way he calls Black women beasties.
It’s really good that you can honestly share that. The ‘history’ is sad because it’s tainting the lives of couples who are happy but having to deal with what should not really even be an issue. I say it’s a history but that would imply that it’s in the past and I don’t think it is. It seems still very much in the present and certain rich black men are still promoting this silly idea. I really don’t think there are that many black men who use white women more as a status symbol but it only takes a few in a position of power and influence to make a difference to how people feel.
It works the other way around too though. I have a friend who is white and always seems to fall for black guys but she wont even approach them because she thinks they wont be interested in her simply because of her white skin and that’s sad!
@canadaorbroke But you said it bothers you. It’s something that has to do with someone else’s race. It may be “complicated”, but not justifiable. It’s like saying being racists is OK under certain conditions.
@V4Real….OMG, I made the mistake of looking up that Tommy guy…holy sh$t! This guy is a complete fool! He reminds me of David Chapelle’s character that was a blind black man who was racist! He said he has a DAUGHTER, the poor thing is going to grow up to be guess what? A BLACK WOMAN! Oh my goodness, I can’t believe people like this actually exist.
I agree that it is complicated and applaud you for not pretending that everything is 100% color-blind. For women who are not white, there is always a question of whether their beauty is not quite good enough because it is not celebrated in the same way that white beauty is. Times are definitely changing, but white beauty remains the standard for now and it is still subtly portrayed that “getting” a white women is some type of special prize. That being said, no couple should have their motives challenged, and an interracial marriage should not cause anyone pause. Complicated.
To be fair white beauty isn’t celebrated. Most white women don’t feel too great about themselves. Very limited types of beauty are celebrated by the media. Probably only 5% of women meet those beauty ideals. A black woman like Rihanna can meet those beauty standards while white women like Lady Gaga, Pink and Kesha are scorned for their looks. it’s no wonder most women feel horrible about themselves. I agree it’s worse for black women because they deal with both racism and sexism. But it’s completely wrong to say white beauty is celebrated when so few white women meet society’s harsh beauty standards.
Just another viewpoint, I have Asian friends who have online dating profiles that are inundated with a lot of creepy messages. There was a study (or survey) that said Asian women get the most most responses online, while Asian men and Black women get the least.
@Emma But most of those harsh beauty standards celebrate physical traits that are associated with white women. Hair is one of the most obvious areas where there is a lot of pressure to meet a standard that is clearly rooted in whiteness. And the very fact that an industry even exists to produce skin bleach shows how horrifyingly ingrained the idea of lighter skin tones being superior still is.
White beauty is definitely celebrated and elevated above other kinds of beauty. No white women meet those standards, because the beauty standard is made of lies, but we can look at them and see our own skin color and facial features and hair type. Being that I’m fat, I don’t see a lot of women my size, but there are a million women who look like me otherwise. Women and girls of color have very few opportunities to see their own beauty reflected back at them, and when they do, it’s often degraded or disrespected. So they don’t understand how dark skin is beautiful, how kinky hair is beautiful, how different physical features are beautiful, because women with those features are so rarely celebrated for their beauty. All women are hurt by beauty standards, but don’t get it twisted – women of color are much more hurt.
Emma, not all white women meet the “standards” for beauty. but they’re a hell of a lot closer. It’s almost within reach. WOC are pretty much ignored.
Beverly – totally agree.
That’s what I’ve I read often about on the black men dating white women issue. That that is why it is still a thing, that black women feel marginalized even more, that more and more black men are dating white women, often seen as a status thing at times, and even less of a dating pool left for black women and hurtful as it feels like even more rejection to black women and what feels like their beauty is not the desirable beauty by even their own race often. His wife turned out to be hispanic. I don’t think it was directed at him personally but maybe out of an overall frustration, what was perceived as another black celebrity with a white wife and a blanket judgment made on him when it shouldn’t have been as they obviously have been together a long time and love each other.
But I understand what you are saying because I’ve read it written so often before by black women and gained an understanding from their perspective.
I enjoyed your post. It was very informative.
Yep wrote the same thing above…its a long history.
@Canadaforbroke, I admire your honesty. I just think there is a difference between the feelings you are speaking about (which are understandable and difficult) and getting in someone’s face about their choice of partner. You wrote calming and intelligently, I doubt the Instagram commentators managed that!
It’s a dirty little secret within the black community-how uncomfortable and resentful so many women are with interacial dating. People can talk about the issues of colorism and how black women and blackness are made to be either invisible, animalistic, or ugly in mainstream culture or even within the black community. That being said there is a point when that valid feeling about how black women are viewed crosses a line into prejudice and ignorance towards other women and cultures there is no excuse for that. It invalidates a very real and important conversation.
Are you saying I am being prejudiced in my comment?
No my comment was referencing the people who are attacking this couple on line.
Peggy, Your ignorance and blaming black males for high incarceration rates makes my blood boil. Men of color are victims of our racially biased judicial system.
Or dead, right Peggy? I doubt you want to get into a discussion as to WHY there are so many black men in prison. Let’s not even go there.
They say that more Black women get problems for marrying outside there “race” then Black men. I remember a Black female friend of mine going out with a White male friend on a date. They went into a restaurant and sat across a Black male and his White female companion. She was having great time with her date and Black guy was glaring at HER instead of paying attention to his own companion. HE was giving HER dirty looks! But then again don’t White females get more criticism for marrying Black men then the other way around? Sexism seems to play a BIG part in this whole thing! My PRESENT feelings……since I was raised to be prejudiced like most folks but am now old enough to leave that behind and form my own values and opinions, there’s only one race–THE HUMAN RACE.
I’ll thank you for your honesty, but your comment irks me to no end. Were you rejecting all black males only to search for a white partner? I’ll assume not. The same consideration should be given when you see a black male with a white woman. It should be seen simply as a PERSON who has found happiness with another PERSON, who didn’t give any f*cks that that person was of a different racial background.
Well, I too am interracial — so, there is another layer of complexity. But to answer your question, yes, on one level, I do feel a tinge of guilt about marrying a white guy. Hey, life is complicated. All I am saying is that the issue isn’t, to use a bad pun, black and white….there are lots of gray areas to issues like these…..big, hulking, possibly un-alterable gray areas.
I can see your point, truly, and I think that’s how it would be in an ideal world. But I also admire canadaorbroke’s honest remark. I don’t think she was saying black men should never date white women or that she has any right to tell someone else who to date, or that the people giving him a hard time had any right to do so. She was just sharing how it made her feel, how it touched on a sore spot of hurt inside of her. Most of us have those for different reasons somewhere. And there are very valid reasons for hers, not that feelings need reasons. It’s complicated, and we all wish for people to be seen just as that – people. But that’s not how it is right now.
Great response, GNAT, and I totally agree. I love that you talked about the fact that we all have certain sore spots for various reasons, and that’s okay– no matter who we are.
It’s not an ideal world, and I’m not deluded enough to think it is. However, I can’t help but feel like attitudes like this only perpetuate the problem. It shouldn’t “sting” when you see a black man with a woman of another race. As someone who has experienced an interracial marriage, you of all people should be more understanding.
A lot of them give a lot of fucks.
My (white) friend had a long-term relationship with a black man who couldn’t stop talking about the beauty of black women yet he he never pursued a relationship with any black woman before or after their relationship. Casual hook-ups, yes but nothing more. Always lived with, dated and wooed white women and used black girls in between his serious relationships. And he treated them like DIRT, flaunting them around yet at the same time demanding they would shut up etc. They were (sex) toys to him.
I’ve had black men saying to me that white women were ‘easier’ sexually and in general to get on with.
I’ve had black men (and white men) stating that I’m pretty ‘for a black girl’ and then asking if I was biracial (I am).
My own father who is from West Africa advised me to take him with me if I ever want to visit his family (I don’t know any of them) because the men there love women with light skin and it would be too dangerous for me to go alone.
Sooo many examples. Personally, I’m put off with dating and relationships because you never know when the racism rears its ugly head (and it usually does) and I’m tired that people still pretend like it isn’t a thing.
You might be irked by somebody’s honesty but it’s not like there isn’t some truth in there and it’s not like canadaorbroke’s case is unique.
Goats, why are you jumping down someone’s throat for daring to have an honest discussion? She is allowing us a little insight, and has even admitted that she doesn’t completely understand why she feels that way, but it sounds to me like it is something she is working on.
Until we stop judging people who are coming forward to have honest discussions, the important dialogues are not going to happen.
Please don’t shame a black woman for expressing honestly how she feels about living in a racist and sexist society where black women are devalued. People are entitled to their feelings, especially when those feelings stem from oppression. Thank you for sharing and bless you, canada.
I am African American, and I feel no regrets, no shame for marrying a white guy .None whatsoever. My man is fantastic. He’s a stubborn pain in the ass sometimes and a slob, but he loves me and makes me feel incredible as a person in so many ways. He was the first guy –of all the a-holes I’ve dated, regardless of color – that raised the bar to where I should be treated. And I have no problem ignoring any body else’s opinion of who I should be with — I am with the best guy my heart has ever known next to my own flesh and blood father and brothers. Someone else’s racial hangups don’t even register on my radar.
Shame her? Really?
@Crumpet
Been at work, so no time to respond until now.
If OP was a white person saying they felt rejection and a “sting” when a white person carries on a relationship with a person of color, no one on this site would be jumping to her defense and giving her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone would be demanding she get with the times. I’m sorry, but prejudice from any direction–and prejudice is definitely what she’s describing here–is wrong. She’s contributing to the very problem interracial couples like herself face.
Goats 2:21 – Your comparison is not apples to apples because blacks are an oppressed group. See more about that in my post below at 5:29.
Is a white person allowed to say that it “stings” when they see a white man and a WOC as a couple? That person would be called a racist. So yeah, prejudice against interracial couples should extend to those who claim to be hurt when they see it.
canada – +1 If it’s white people complaining about this couple then it’s racism. But if it’s blacks complaining for the reasons you state, their motivation seems to me is primarily solidarity.
How is that “solidarity” different than racism?
taxi – I am not entirely convinced it is solidarity. It might be racism.
But their motivation seems similar to affirmative action. So the reason it could be solidarity is because it concerns an oppressed group of people. And in the U.S. what is defined as discriminatory changes for oppressed groups.
So is affirmative action really racism targeting whites? Some say it is reverse discrimination.
Is it racist for native tribes to insist that children who need foster care or adoptive homes, be placed in Native American households as much as possible?
Is it racism or solidarity that motivates some religious people to want to marry within their faith? Jews, Mormons, conservative Muslims, conservative Christians are some groups that come to mind.
Canadaorbroke-I appreciate your honesty so much. I am not going to dismiss your statement with a “We should just love whoever and it doesn’t matter, love is color blind”thing. I wish it was that way in our society, but as you have shown, and the Lukes experience as a couple, things aren’t quite there yet. There are reasons why people feel the way they do, and if we don’t take a look at those feelings, we won’t be able to work through them. So even though I want the world to not even question dating another race, I know it’s going to happen. We can’t get past it til we understand it. Again, thanks for your honesty.
“We can’t get past it until we understand it.” This, so much this. I can’t pretend that I will ever fully understand all the complicated nuances that lead people to feel the way they do about these types of situations, but I appreciate the OP and this discussion for providing some insight.
No I hear you. As a black woman it was something i needed to exam. Like where did tjese feelings come from? Are they even my feelings or am i perpetuating feelings from others? I did some thinking and I think what frustrated me more is the double standard. I can only speak for my own experience, but my male relatives all seemed to get a pass when they dated or talked about dating a white woman. Like for them it was an okay think almost something to be proud of and the they found out my boyfriend was whit and you wouldn’t believe how mean they got. Questions like: why are you dating out side of the race, why can’t you find a black dude, why would you want to date a white guy?
I think, as someone said below, racism is a complicated thing and it can be found in some of the oddest places like my fairly dysfunctional middle class black family. ..
I’ve heard of intersectional feminism, but intersectional prejudice is a new one. It’s as if your family was being prejudiced toward your BF and sexist towards you all at once. I’m sorry that’s the way it is, Chrissy, and I wish you all the happiness in the world with whomever you choose to date.
chrissy, Your experience and some others posting today are making me wonder if the females in mixed ethnicity hetero relationships are harassed more than the males. If that’s the case then racism IS still a thing and so is misogyny.
Chrissy, thank you for sharing this. My goodness what a tangled web this prejudice and sexist society has woven. I wish you happiness in whatever road you chose.
As a Black woman in an interracial relationship too, I understand your sentiment. And it is a very common one. I won’t bother discussing the complexity of these feelings on this particular forum though.
I don’t think she sounds like a troll at all.
Why?
@ canadaorbroke
Because you are only trying to feed the “angry black woman/jealous of white women” stereotype.
Most black women who date “interracially” are the last people who actually care about black males in general. The ones who do have something against it are usually those who ONLY stick to black males and have some sense of ownership over them which frankly is pathetic.
The rest of us do not care and do not want that label that some people so desperately want us to wear.
It’s beyond annoying that these people can get like ONE comment from a a black woman (although we do not even know who is sitting behind the screen and many trolls use black women avatars and troll as black women on youtube and insta) and then paint it as if there were several black women going off and use the term “ALL black women”. It’s unfair and it’s dangerous, as I am sure you are aware of hence trolling as one of us.
Knock it the f*ck off.
HMPH – thank you. For all of it. I’m a black woman of mixed heritage (at one time model) married to a 100% Calabrese man off the boat from Italy. I could care less about what this man or any man does. And the looks of hatred I get from SOME white women who are just prejudiced towards black people that I got the good looking millionaire? Always less than attractive women. We may not match in skin tone but values, upbringing, conservative politics and in terms of “looks” – we match. And the looks black men try to give him? Yikes. Its definitely not only black women. There are a lot of white women and black men sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong too!
To balletfan: Be happy and have a Great life!
Thanks so much for saying that. I’m black woman with a white husband, and many white women give me an attitude for being with him. This includes my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. As you said, I’m typically more attractive than these women, not to mention more educated and professionally accomplished, and they are still hostile because they view themselves as superior to me based on skin color alone. While black women may not like seeing black men with white women because they are marginalized in society, white women seem to think that black women have no right to be with white men because they view black women as less than.
Double post.
@N2: TBH, it’s probably not that your husband is white, they probably don’t like your attitude.
@hmph-I think it’s awesome that so many black women are weighing in and I’m seeing a whole range of opinions on the matter. As a white chick, I’m trying not to interject too much but I love the diverse and introspective expressions on this issue.
I’m reminded of Hawkeye’s comments of the dangers of seeing one “group” as a monolith.
Anyway, I really appreciated what you said here.
I think, hmph, That maybe you are projecting some of your own issues onto Canada. All I got from her comment was that SHE felt a little prick of insecurity, even though she knew it wasn’t logical. She’s entitled to her feelings, and they don’t have to be reasonable or based in fact. I didn’t get anger or hatred or jealousy – just an honest admission that sometimes stereotypes have a way of seeping into our souls even if we don’t want them to. Even if we know better. I think it was brave of her to say it and start a conversation about the complexities of this issue, and unfair of you to try to shut it down just because you don’t feel that way. It’s great that you don’t, and I can certainly understand how annoying it would be to constantly hear how “angry” you are, but really, I don’t think she meant it that way. And your comment about women who date other races being the last ones to care about black males in general – you’re doing to Canada exactly what you’re accusing her of doing to you – lumping a group of people into one mass with one way of looking at things.
But in fairness, to defend hmph, she raises a good point that there will be differences in opinion. canada has raised some good, meaningful points and I applaud her for revealing how she feels, but hmph is merely trying to remind everyone that not every black woman (and I include myself in this number) feels this way when seeing a black man with a woman of another race. Too many times we all get lumped together under the “Black opinion” when in truth, there are probably tons of thoughts running in opposite directions under a convenient umbrella for everyone else to put us under. For some black women, it (interracial dating) simply doesn’t register with us as something to be upset about, but it also is not meant to invalidate Canadaorbroke’s feelings… just remember, black people are not one big gigantic Borg thinking and moving with the same thoughts, that’s all. At least, this is what I got from hmph’s equally valid response.
@annaloo
Hmp not only invalidates Canada’s feelings, she says that Canada is lying about being black, and is actually a white woman posing as black with the intention of perpetuating myths about black women. So I think you’re being very generous in your interpretation of her comment. Canada never said all black women feel the way she feels. She was just describing her own reaction, and has taken so much abuse for it, I’m sure she wishes she had never said anything. That’s what I think is a shame – that we can’t discuss a difference of opinion or a different way of reacting to a situation without turning it into a stone-throwing competition.
I don’t want to invalidate @Canada’s feelings.. that was never my intention at all. i don’t think she is trolling as a white woman, which was the point that @hmph made about other situations on the internet that people may maliciously post under false identities. I think she is who she is. Secondly, all things being fair, if I may borrow her tact and only speak from MY emotions, I understand not wanting to be gathered under the trope that this is how all black women feel. It comes up a lot, and with @hmph, I only wanted to reminded posters that this is a conflict that some black women feel towards interracial dating, but certainly not all. Please understand, the burden is not upon Canada to speak her truth, the burden is upon other readers here to understand that – as you say – she speaks for herself and to not take her opinion as speaking for all black women, if anyone did at all. That was the point I was validating above everything else…
No stones thrown. Just different positions being clarified, that is all.
@Annaloo
I didn’t think you were doing any of those things, I just thought you were being overly generous in saying that all hmp was doing was reminding people that not all black people think the same thing. Which I agree with. I just thought she added in too many accusations about who Canada was and what she was saying. I didn’t mean to,attribute any of the name calling to you, and I get and agree with your main point. Sorry this is so confusing. I just didn’t want to leave you with the wrong impression that I was saying you were doing those things.
I agree with hmph; what you are saying is very true, I’ve never harbored hostile feelings towards black men who dated outside their race. I have dated a lot out side my race too..I just don’t subscribe to the point of view that anyone belongs to anyone.
People, please remember – who or what defines “Black” is not dictated by one person with an opinion. There are many layers and many opinions within the thinking of African American women as a whole. It is important culturally for people to find a partner that reflect their values, but values change from person to person. I hope readers take away from this board that it is a varied stance that black women have about black men dating outside their race— some care a lot, some don’t care at all. I am glad that some posters are able to articulate why they feel strongly about black women with black men, and what it feels like to see them with white women. Just remember, there are a whole bunch of us that it doesn’t affect our level of care at all and we’re not really thinking about it at all.
I agree with hmph; what you are saying is very true. I’ve never harbored hostile feelings towards black men who dated outside their race. I have dated a lot out side my race too..I just don’t subscribe to the point of view that anyone belongs to anyone.
People, please remember – who or what defines “Black” is not dictated by one person with an opinion. There are many layers and many opinions within the thinking of African American women as a whole. It is important culturally for people to find a partner that reflect their values, but values change from person to person. I hope readers take away from this board that it is a varied stance that black women have about black men dating outside their race— some care a lot, some don’t care at all. I am glad that some posters are able to articulate why they feel strongly about black women with black men, and what it feels like to see them with white women. Just remember, there are a whole bunch of us that it doesn’t affect our level of care at all and we’re not really thinking about it at all.
What bums me out, reading these comments, is hearing about people who are so petty that they try to tell other people who to date! It’s mind-boggling to me that anyone would say “you shouldn’t date this race, you should only date your own” or whatever. Just wow.
I agree with finding a mate who shares your values, totally. I know so many women, and a few men, who dated people who had crappy values, and compromising yourself on important matters is a recipe for unhappiness.
I was really hoping someone would weigh in with this phenomenon and their own experience. it seems completely sensible that a big part of being other than white is identifying with your race, and being proud to be with someone of that race. When you fall in love with someone outside your race, it must be jarring to realize, “oh, I’ve opted out.” Not that it would diminish your relationship in the slightest, but it’s the undercurrent of how many people will see your relationship and that’s got to hurt to realize no matter how much you love your spouse. And there is still a lot of messed-up, backhanded racist commentary about mixed-race babies (“they’re the most beautiful, especially if they’re half-white!” kind of nonsense) that tacitly presumes being partially white is better than being not white, or that a mixed-brown baby is more exotic and special than a regular black, hispanic or asian baby. Let’s hope that the further down this road we travel, the more we erase the subtle, unconscious racism of people who are often well-meaning but have never examined their own prejudices. This is a complicated issue that I’m glad you’re talking about, and I don’ think talking about it takes away anything from any particular loving, mixed-race couple.
+1000000
I don’t understand why today’s cultural awareness of double standards and prejudices seems to ignore the plight of black women. I don’t have the energy to get into it deeply, but I’ll sum it up like this: black men are the only race of men known to publicly and culturally despise their women. No other race of men makes music as denigrating and disrespectful as our men. And in music videos they feature black women being disrespected.Anexample I’ll never forget from childhood is Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre Nothin But aG Thang video, when they poured beer all over the girl who dared have standards. Mind you Dre is married to a white woman. He would NEVER and has NEVER disrespected a white woman publicly. Black men are the only ones writing books and doing shows about why they don’t date black women. There are more single black mothers than any other race. The list goes on…
Nothing wrong with interracial dating. But please quit making light of the reality that black women are not considered beautiful or desirable and that black men have played into colonialist legacy of wanting the prized and coveted light skinned or white woman.
JAM!
that reminds me in the movie “Save the last dance” (yeah dance movies are my guilty pleassure ;). There the ex-girlfriend and even his sister are mad at white Julia Styles for happy being in love with black Sean Patrick Thomas. His sister even tells her how shitty it is that “white girls always steal the good and successful black guys from black women”.
Let´s face it our society reduces women on their looks, so no wonder we all have this unworthy-feelings in us. Every women thinks other women are more beautiful, thinner etc. Especially dark skinned women hear lots of bulls*t everyday.
Thank you for giving us this insight! We are never going to get better at this until we can communicate honestly on both sides.
Canada- I appreciate your comment and your honesty. I’m a white woman married to a black man.
It seems some black men look at having a white woman as some sort of trophy, which is despicable. And they’ll only date white women. Those black men need some damn counseling to work through their issues.
My husband grew up in a predominantly black area and had only ever dated black women. He loves black women. When he went to graduate school there were very few black people at the school and town he lived in and that’s when he started dating white women. I’m sure he still thought at the time that he’d eventually marry a black woman but we found each other and the rest is history. 13 years and two girls later.
In all our years of marriage the only openly criticism of our marriage (I’m sure there is some behind our backs) has come from his sisters. I think they were surprised their brother would marry a white woman and it probably felt like some kind of betrayal. But as you know, we can’t help who we fall in love with. Luckily, I have a great relationship with his sisters now.
Maybe you should think about how other people feel. I’m white, my husband is mixed. It is tiring getting looks and stares from white and black people. Maybe your friends should broaden their options and consider dating outside their race, if they don’t do it already. My husbAnd and I were talking about white privilege, I understand it now. But I also told him how I get tired of getting the up and down look from some black women when I’m doing nothing but waiting in line etc and I can see the look on people’s faces, like he’s just with her cause she’s got money. Then the racist white people, like my neighbor who found out I owned my house before I met my husband, had the nerve to tell him he had a nice setup. Life is hard enough, I didn’t do anything to you or your friends, why can’t you just let us live our life? I’m hesitant to make friends with black women because I’ve encountered racism against me. That why people say, why do we have to see color, why can’t we all just get along? And let skin color be of no concern. And stop judging people based on their race or if they decide to date outside their race.
To be fair, you have not walked a mile in their shoes. Black women have a LOT to be angry for. Some of it is spilling over onto you, and no, that it is not fair. Having experienced it myself, it was shocking and hurtful. God, misplaced anger is a terrible thing. But I understand it even better after reading some of these posts.
1) My friends do consider dating outside their race; but the hard truth is that not as many white men are willing to date black women.
2) Again, I am not judging anyone. I am just explaining why it’s not a simple issue.
Trying to reduce everything to a quixotic post-racial fairy-tale doesn’t further progress. There are still many complicated land mines we, as a society, need to “explode” and discuss to truly move on….and trying to stymie the conversation with accusations of “selfishness” and thinly veiled accusations of “reverse racism” are frustrating and troublesome.
Gah, in 1 hour and 45 minutes I am scheduled to start a project where I have to unplug from the Internet and TV for 10 days! I so want to continue this conversation, but alas…..guess I’ll have to wait 10 days! Thanks to everyone who understood that I am not judging or bashing, just bringing up another layer of complexity associated with this topic.
@ canadaorbroke
1) My friends do consider dating outside their race; but the hard truth is that not as many white men are willing to date black women.)
That is not the truth and last time I check their are other races out there other then White.
@ canadaorbroke
1) My friends do consider dating outside their race; but the hard truth is that not as many white men are willing to date black women.)
That is not the truth and last time I check their are other races out there other then Caucasian or were your friends only looking to date white guys?
@Canadaorbroke, thank you (and all other contributors on here who’ve shown compassion for hearing out the complicated reasons why some black women have a hard time with interacial relationships, which I’ve dealt with too) for your honest analyses which is sorely needed if we’re ever going to progress as a society.
I enjoyed your (as well as others who aren’t quick to shut down this important conversation because of their own discomfort with the topic) refreshing honesty about race and the complicated feelings it can bring. And as you already eloquently noted, simply wanting to live in some idyllic post-racial Kumbaya fantasy world is not enough to combat the racism and oppression this exists everywhere today. We’re simply not there yet.
Good luck with your social media unplugging project – wish I had the nerves to try something like that! 🙂
You’re being honest with how you feel and examining those feelings. I get you. I hear you and appreciate your perspective.
Let me make my own confession. I’m attracted to men of all races but I realised some years ago that I got a bigger boost to my self esteem if I was hit on by a white guy. It made me pause to consider just how much I had subconsciously elevated white/European beauty standards. Turns out I didn’t love myself as much as I thought. I needed to rid myself of the insidious idea that black, female beauty was somehow less. So yeah, it is complicated. In an ideal world race wouldn’t matter and sexism would disappear. But we don’t live in that world yet.
ETA: Josephine said it a lot better than me.
In this day and time where multicultural race is soon the majority, and biracial is more norm… its time for you to wake up and get over the color barrier as a issue of who we date. As someone married yourself, marriage is so many other things than racial makeup and background. This thinking and prejudice leads to the desecration of community and kinship and is backwards.
@Corrie: To bad life’s not that simple. Of course I would love to say that I never “see” color and it doesn’t matter. And to be honest, 15 years ago, I would probably be typing the same thing you are. But the more I live, the more complicated I realize the whole thing is. We live in a culture and society where we are influenced — whether we want to admit it to ourselves and others or not — by certain ingrained thought patterns, etc….which manifest themselves as barely recognizable to some people who don’t have to deal with it, but definitely problematic and oppressive for those that do (and those that see it). To sit there and call me out for being prejudice is one-dimensional.
It’s sad that you feel people think you are ugly because of your race. That’s a burden to carry around. I get what you’re saying about not finding partners too – but I have to say, my white girlfriends are in the same boat about getting older and not finding men. I guess there just aren’t enough good men out there … no matter the race!
+1
+2. I couldn’t agree more: “There really aren’t enough good men out there.”
The comment of the day!
I don’t have patience for this nonsense anymore. I’m done. He was far kinder than I would have been.
On a lighter note: 41?!?!? Is he a vampire of some sort?
He’s 41?!? They look like a lovely couple.. Why people care who other people marry is beyond me..
Although Hispanic is not a race, it’s an ethnicity. So you can be black and Hispanic, white and Hispanic, etc.
And Latinos can have weird issues with race as well, I see it in my own family. I wouldn’t be surprised if she caught heat for marrying him from some a$$hole folks on her side.
He looks 41 to me. I check IDs almost every day now and he looks 40-ish. He looks good but he looks 40.
I don’t know him but I would assume he’s never smoked or worked outdoors or baked in the sun or a tanning bed and being a celebrity, has taken good care of his skin and he doesn’t have any grey hair showing yet and probably never will and he has professional help such as minimal Botox and maybe lasering or microdermabrasion and a great Barber along with being FIT.
He also has bright eyes and his eyebrows are neat and arched (Barber) and full lips and that makes a person look younger.
As to the WHY? I don’t know but I once worked with a lady who was of Chinese descent and she had a long marriage to an African American man and she said when they were sent to Montana for his job, people would cross the street to avoid them.
It’s sweet of him to defend his wife, but ridiculous that he has to in the first place. They seem to be a happy, good looking couple who’ve been married for almost two decades. Their relationship shouldn’t need defending.
My only concern with his post is that he seems to be confusing race and ethnicity. Hispanic, at least in this country, is considered an ethnicity, not a race. There are many, many people who identify as black AND Hispanic or white AND Hispanic.
I see what you’re saying, however, as a Latina I would never identify as white—many others feel the same way.
We’ll always be one of the “others” to them.
Check out the pay differential between white, black, and Latina women—we’re at the bottom of the paying pool to that magical .77 on the dollar feminists love to bring up.
It’s sad that in this day and age people still make an issue out of interracial relationships, I’ve always felt with Latinos, we’re in an awkward spot because the census labels is at white but we’re not exactly benefiting from the perks of that whiteness.
I work for a large health system on the east coast, and we have a large Hispanic population. You’re right–some don’t like to identify as white or black. They’ll identify as “other races” and Hispanic. In my experience, though, most just want their Hispanic background noted, because they are incredibly proud of it (as they should be!). When we tell them it’s two separate fields, many have no problems identifying as white and Hispanic.
That “other races” thing is mostly applicable to Hispanics born in this country (US). In Latin America, people easily will more readily identify with white/blanca(o), black/negra(o). Hell, they’ll add criolla(o), castiza(o), mestiza(o), india(o), mulata(o) or zamba(o) to the mix as well.
Race and ethnicity are extremely hot issues.
Im Brazilian and moved to USA years ago and this country is a mess when these issues are present.
I am Latina but not Hispanic. Im very White and my surname is Italian, my ancestors came from the Latin countries of Europe. I consider and label myself as White anywhere anytime.
If I had to “define”Derek’s wife, she looks mestiza, the usual mix of white and natives that comes from a long time of mic¡zing. It is the most common in most Latin american countries. ataylor, where I live in Latin America there is not such a long list of descriptive words to identify with.
Things end up in how you look, since most of us are from the same ethnicity, but with more of these or those features and that determines.
In my country there are very few whites from non Spanish ethnicity, and few blacks . You can see the features in the people, tho, very dark with curly hair girls or boys, or pale ones with dark or lighter hair. And of course the majority in between.
Colorism applies, but thankfully is not as serious as what the article is about. Here it would be rated more in grades of attractiveness and skin color, but both belonging to the same culture.
there are certain areas where the native people still are in big numbers, there it is different.
Ennie,
I think that the diversity that is found in Latin America really depends on history and geography. It’s is hard to generalize a specific “common look” isn’t it? 🙂 Where I’m from, there is a very large black population and a large Spanish “white” (as well as a large germanic, basque, french and arab influence), castizo, criollo population, as well as a significant mestizo population as well, but those “races” are pretty much divided by geography. When I visited central america, I noticed there was a much, MUCH larger mestizo, indio/nativo population than my homeland and my (non hispanic) boyfriend even commented that they resembled more of the hispanics that you would find here in the US than the “type” he encountered when visiting my family the year before.
That is what I said the most common in “most” countries, Adding now:given that there was an indigenous population. In some countries the majority died because of outbreaks, mile the caribbean natives, and in other parts, there were probably not enough natives to enslave and ultimately, mix with, that is why there are so large black populations. In the USA, the colonialist did not mix, unlike other parts of the continent.
As for geography, yes, even in my own country, which is majorly mestizo, there are differences in looks. In the north and west, where natives were fewer, you can find “whiter” people, because Spanish mixed but the native pool was smaller. And in the Center, South and East, There were huge native cities, and they make the majority of the people, with of course, some mixing. Whites mixed, but there are also people that kept to themselves.
My husband’s family is originally from a small town in the mountains and I tease him (and they tease their mom!) because of their inbreeding, they usually kept within their economic “class”=whiter , an it resulted in cousins marrying uncles and et al…
I spent the last few days buried deep in the internet’s darkest corners reading about social issues and prejudices and my only conclusion is that it’s a thing because hate seems to be many people’s favorite pastime. They are miserable if they don’t have anything to hate. It’s not even that personal – if they don’t hate interracial or same-sex couples, they will hate red-haired people, left-handed people, atheists or people from other religions, people with two different colored-eyes or invalids, people, who are too short or too tall, too thin or too fat, too happy or too sad and the list goes on an on. Anything different from them is worth hating on, doesn’t matter how small or unimportant. And since we are all so different – everyone who wants to, can find something to hate. These two make a gorgeous and visibly, a very happy couple – if someone decides to hate on them, he or she is a sad, miserable prat and we can only feel sorry for that person.
This x infinity.
social media has given expression to hatred without consequence, people feel free to express every hateful thought about anything and anyone. And hateful comments seem to gain an audience much faster than expressions of love.
Your last sentence–so true and so damn sad.
So true, but why are we this way? Can it be attributed to our tribalistic pasts? We see it so well illustrated in High School – the cliques and the bullying. I think that most people (unfortunately) never grow out of it.
I’d like to know that myself. I think it has to do with superiority complex as a defense mechanism present in so many people. There’s no superior human being without others being inferior. There’s no high-school mean girl without the nerds to bully. In order to create an equal and tolerant environment, the evolution would have to get rid of inflated egos first but then, who would feel the need to rule, compete and win? It’s a complicated issue. So for now we are stuck with people who are so scared of being perceived as inferior that they feel the need to loudly and repeatedly belittle others who are different in order to “win”.
The issue with interracial couples might be even deeper than that, because for a person who opposes them, such couples seem like an actual threat that their chances to find a lover will plummet once the dating pool widens. When it was not socially acceptable, they had to only compete with people from the same race, but now every person of the given gender, no matter what race, is an enemy, who might steal their potential mate. They should love the gays for the very same reason (and hate the bisexuals even more) – gay men are automatically removed from the straight man’s enemy list, the same as lesbians from woman’s list. But then there are people who hate the idea of same-sex relationships, because for now, they can feel superior in their “normal” hetero marriages, but once all consenting loving relationships become legal world-wide, it’s one advantage less from their ego-boosting list. Also, a person who wants to feel superior and their self-pride lies in their looks and the characteristics specific to their ethnicity, will be terrified of what Kaiser wrote at the end – that in the future all people will be mixed and those “superior” characteristics will cease to exist.
I am a light-skinned Hispanic and my husband is white. We have been together for 8 years and sometimes, people do look at us funny. Especially when we are speaking Spanish to each other. The funniest thing is that “hyper Christians” have told us in passing that “whites should not marry other people who are non whites” and others have asked if we are siblings. I kid you not.
“My wife may not be Black but she is mine. And she’s mine with a heart of gold.”
I’m a sucker for romance and that was beautiful.
Black female, wife to a white husband you would NOT believe the comments people give us. “What no more good black men around?” “You married him for his credit score didn’t you?” “Please don’t bring anymore mongoloid babies in the world, we had one be president and he f*cked it up” .
It blows our mind. I have so many sarcastic comments stored up just for these people. It’s not even like I live in the super Deep South (central florida) either. It’s everywhere. We’ve gotten crap flung at us in NY and OH too. I don’t even want to think what our kids are going to have to go through.
Of course though once my husband rumbles, “Excuse me?” and he’s 6’5/280lbs, it kinda makes these arseholes think twice.
Wow, that makes me question how far as humans we have come. I’m disgusted & have empathy for what you, as a couple have endured.
MonicaQ, oh my god. That is disgusting. I am so sorry that crap happens to you guys. As I said in my comment up above to canadaorbroke, I wish we didn’t have this issue at all. I hate that you had those experiences with those ignorant cretins. But it gives me a giggle to imagine your giant husband giving them a good scare!!!!
Just be Blessed and be Happy Sista! You and your husband! There are more people who are going to love–erase the rest.
Wow. Just – wow. I’m sorry you have experienced this. Live well and ignore them, as best you can. That has been my motto and it has served me well in this twisted world we live in.
I don’t get it either. I’m white and I dated a guy who was mixed (black mother, white father). I still remember some of the looks we got just walking around holding hands. People can be so outwardly judgemental, it’s insane.
All I see here is a beautiful couple. And on a superficial note, his wife has killer legs. Wow!
Same here.
I dated a black man for a year and all the stares and judgy whispers were impossible to ignore. I’d like to think that it was because people thought we were a hot couple, but judging by some of the comments here, I doubt that was the case.
I’m a pale blonde who happens to have several friends who are black men. I’ve experienced plenty of nasty looks when I go out in public with one of them, which also feeds into my peeve about people presuming that men and women can’t be platonic friends. People should mind their own business
Same. I had a black coworker and we were assigned to a case out of town in Reading, PA. When we went out to a local bar a couple of times we got the ugliest looks and hate vibe. I’m so dense that I was trying to figure out if maybe his sweatshirt had the wrong team on it? We’re we sitting at someone’s favorite table? It was palpable. I went back with a white coworker – friendliest place in town. Oh. It gave me some insight into what black people and interracial couples face each day.
Exact same situation here. And, yes: two peeves & more serious prejudices at once.
smcollins and Kitten, Did you notice any patterns regarding these comments? Such as when, where or what type of person? I might have to close out of this article because the further down I read, the more my blood boils. How were you able to refrain from telling these people that they were ignorant, backwards a**holes?
It blows my mind, honestly. I’m ridiculously pale, so I clearly don’t have the same kind of experience as someone of another skin tone… but I can’t imagine just looking at a couple in love and my mind immediately jumping to criticize the fact that they’re an interracial couple. People are such shit.
I do have to wonder how many of those who are attacking them have managed to stay married for 17 years? Congratulations to them because most marriages don’t make it that far. And those attacking them should climb back into their miserable holes of bigotry.
I am a white woman married to a black man. I didn’t chose him because he was black, I chose him because he is the most amazing man I have met. He didn’t chose me because I was white, he thinks I’m funny and sweet. We used to get looks and reactions all the time but as our city has grown it’s gotten better.
I do get comments, from all races, that I don’t look like someone who would date a black guy. It’s usually people who have known me through work or whatever and are surprised when they meet my husband. First we have been together for 10 years. Second what does that mean? What should I look like so people can meet me and go “Yep she’s with a black guy?” I have red hair and glasses and somehow looking like a school teacher, which I’m not, means I should only have dated white guys. Why would/does it even matter? We are both happy.
It’s ridiculous. We are so right for each other it is crazy.
I had this before from co-workers. I am white and have twin girls by a black man but we are not married. When I would put up a pic of my daughters at my desk I got the “Oh you don’t look like the type that would have bi-racial kids” or things like that and then they would ask me a million questions that were none of their business. It’s frustrating sometimes. I even got it once from another co-worker that was married to a black man and had a bi-racial son. She didn’t like that I ended up marrying a white man. She wouldn’t talk to me. Seriously. I found out later its b/c I don’t look like I would have bi-racial kids and b/c I married a white man. Why would she care who I married b/c my life has zero impact on hers. People are weird about race sometimes. Even the ones you wouldn’t think would be. I have a white son w/ my husband and the stares we get when we go out as a family is hilarious sometimes and frustrating sometimes. My girls are now 17 and one of them is dating a white young man and the other is dating another bi-racial young man and if they are with us as well it throws people off and they don’t know what to do. We all just laugh b/c its just our life and my family and my normal!
I am trying to get pregnant and I worry about experiencing what you have; my kids experiencing it. Sounds like you guys have tried to stay positive about it. I always want to talk to bi-racial couples with kids to ask what it’s been like for them so I can understand what it will be like for us but realize that is SO intrusive so I just keep my questions to my self.
Anyway…..Derek Luke is such a handsome Black man and such a great actor *swoon*
It is very much still a thing especially in the black community for several reasons which a few others have highlighted. This opinion is based upon my own experience with my extended family in part.
1) low value in black female beauty. Black women write the most messages on dating websites and receive the least in some studies.
2) the perceived value of the white woman as a status symbol. I’m not sure how valid this is but it’s definitely a pervasive idea if nothing else.
3) the shifted responsibility of black women to reaffirm black male value by choosing black men to date.
The result of that is black women feel pressure from families to compete from a slim selection of mates. It becomes particularly difficult if a woman is high earning, or highly educated. I think everyone should date whoever they relate to regardless of race. I do understand though that this can be particularly challenging for women who are perceived as too black or ethnic.
Thanks for the info…interesting..
#2 and #3 are ideas that I hadn’t thought of before.
Oh, very good – wonderful insight, thank you.
I hope this doesn’t sound awful, but I have always been saddened by Black women’s obsession with straightening their hair. I understand it better reading your first point. The low value placed on a Black woman’s beauty in her own community. God that is crappy.
I have always been saddened by the white community and their obsession with blond hair, my God, isn’t hair bleach like the nr one seller in the US? Why are white women so obsessed with bleaching their hair? Why is blond hair considered more beautiful in the white community for the women to damage it with harmful bleach? Do the men rate brunette and redheads lower than blond hair? It seems like it by the way in which the white community salivate over blond children and get extra points for blue eyes.
Also, most white women do not have straight hair, most have curly to wavy hair and straighten it.
I don’t deny the fact that the black community are shitty towards its girls though. Maybe that’s why so many BW are checking out and starting to go natural. In fact, I see more black women with curly natural hair these days. Also, straightening it does not mean they are suffering from some sort of self hate, sometimes people want to style it differently.
White or black, natural curls are a thing of beauty.
I’m not sure that blonde is really that valued among white folks anymore. These days, young women are more apt to go jet-black (thank you Kardashians) or even a bright color. Yesterday, just walking around Boston I saw SO many young women with manic panic red hair, purple, lavender, green…all colors. It’s fun to see.
Anyway, I do think blonde hair and blue eyes was considered a “white ideal” for a long time-but the trend has been going away from that to a more “exotic” (I hate that word but can’t think of a better one) aesthetic for a while now.
No, no.. I still think blonde is the standard… no shade on blonde women, but look at any magazine stand and count the percentages. look at any gossip page and see what hair color comes up the most for women, it is generally blonde. Even Beyonce can’t let go of her blonde. I think it roots back to the early days of Hollywood and the introduction of the blonde bombshell in the forms of Jean harlow and Greta Garbo… morphing into Marilyn Monroe and all her imitators to Farah Fawcett, to Christie Brinkley, then Madonna, then Britney, now Taylor Swift and all the inbetween blonde. I don’t say this with contempt, I just think this is obvious where it comes from.
Oh, yes, and Barbie setting the standard for little girls to measure themselves against. Lots to think about and discuss…
my hair gets lighter each decade because i have more greys to cover
i miss my real hair color but it would be too hard to maintain
As I read #3, I remember this commenter on a site I read that was belittling black men who marry outside their race, saying that they should “keep their wealth” within the black community by marrying black, not other races or even mixed race, which she labeled as traitors, she also said that those famous blacks marrying other racer were marrying the daughters of their enemies and hence, they were betraying their ancestors.
It was a extreme point of view, very very centered in her own race.
Derek and Sophia are such a beautiful couple! So nice to see a couple that’s been together for this long, especially in Hollywood. I’m sorry they have to deal with this. It’s really sad.
Going to try to speak about this as candidly as possible… This is a thing because we as black women have been told that we are not good enough. We’re not pretty enough, we’re not sweet enough, we’re less desirable than women of other races. With that said, some black women feel as if its a slap in the face to see a black man with a non-white woman. As if everything we’ve been conditioned to believe is really true. It’s so sad, but it’s the truth. Our society is a mess and the issues run deep.
You are so beautiful, inside and out. I want to punch anybody who ever made you feel that way. I’m sorry.
Dear sweet GoodNames, thank you so much! ❤️❤️❤️ I’m glad you didn’t take what I said as offensive or as if I was excusing those who were mad at Derek Luke for dating a non-black woman. I just hope people get that this is a complicated subject and they need to look past the surface to truly understand where some of these feelings come from.
Exactly. It’s complicated.
THIS. Black women constantly have to validate ourselves from a young age. We get it from all sides (race, gender) feeling “less”. And then you have even men in your own race that call you ugly. So yes I agree this issue cuts deep for some women
Does anybody make a big deal that rapper Ice Tea is married to Coco? Or that John Legend is married to model Chrissy Tegien? How about Russell Simons new partner or Eddie Murphy’s? The list goes on……….Alot of women must have a crush on this Derek Luke. It’s not like he’s going to meet and marry one of them anyway!
Actually yes, people have discussed those couples for the same reasons as well. Ice Tea even responded to it once.
I’ve read in other forums about John Legend and Crissy, and yes, those comments are very negative. They call Crissy white (even when she’s mixed) and how he is a traitor, or end up just calling him on rumors about his sexuality, and saying that Crissy looks like a transexual. I do not know if all that hatred stems from him marrying outside his race and that they are both unapologetic about it.
I have not read about Coco and ICE, but I had read about other similar couples (successful black men in sports marrying or dating non-black or mixed ) years ago, and I was taken aback at this cultural situation. I had no idea it was an issue. It does not matter the ethnicity of the “intruder”, she is not black.
I remember, I think it was around the time Tiger Woods married. It is/was a big issue.
You should read interviews of David Bowie speaking about his relationship with Iman. 22 years, they are still together. I love them.
I’m Canadian and my parents are from Jamaica. I have a lot of races/ethnicity/languages in my own family. I have never cared who black men date. I do have an issue with people assuming that as a black woman that I do care and must be negative about it. Please be assured my mental real estate is occupied with more important things than a random stranger and his wife. You love who you love and if that’s what you want- congratulations.
BTW, I think it’s wonderful they’ve been happily married for 17 years. To me, that is an accomplishment.
IKR?
His ‘race’ is the human ‘race’ and he doesn’t appear to be marrying outside of that.
THANK YOU!
Sadly this happens in a lot of communities. I’m Korean and my husband is white. Much of my family in Korea refuses to acknowledge my husband or our daughter because I did not marry someone of my own race.
Wow– I know the stigmas can be strong in Korea. Are you happy though? I hope you are, bc that is all that matters. I hate to hear that your family doesn’t accept your husband. My mother is also Korean, and it can be a very judgmental culture sometimes, I think it comes from a deep insecurity after learning Korean history. (and it could explain why they are tops for plastic surgery!!! :-/) but my family on that side has come around,especially since some of the very elderly have passed on. I hope that your family mends in the future.
@annaloo
I think in my family at least it comes from a deep distrust of foreigners and the classic Korean Xenophobia. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent there but I was born and raised till I was 16 in Seoul. The media portrays other races very negatively. White people are lazy rednecks, all black people are thugs etc. so when I came to the U.S. I held a lot of those beliefs because I just didn’t know any better.
My family unfortunately still thinks those things and so they have this false image in their heads of my husband sitting on the couch in his underwear while I work in a laundry or something. The part that hurts the most is my daughter, since I have worked so hard to make sure she embraces both sides of her heritage and understands that she is sort of the bridge between two very different families.
@annaloo
Part of my comment got cut off. The last time I was back to visit they disapproved of everything from how i speak now (my accent has shifted a bit and taken on some American tones) and said I don’t speak ‘proper Korean’ anymore, to how I dress (‘American whore’ as my aunt so eloquently put it) it was very upsetting.
I have no problem with interracial dating.I have dated white guys.I do have an issue with people who say they ” don’t see color”.Really? So you can’t see Lupita’ s skin tone is different than Tilda Swinton’s.Rather than pretend there are no differences, just appreciate and celebrate the differences.
I also side eye anyone who says they would NEVER date someone of their own ethnicity.
Last statement on this issue: If you marry someone outside of your race to annoy or rebel against your parents or how you were raised……….or out of SELF HATED guess what darlings? IT WONT WORK. For example a lot of people out of the hippie/flower children culture “intermarried” for those reasons and of course the marriages didn’t last. I wasn’t out of love, but to make a statement to the world, rebellion. or prove something. I find some Black people will marry Whites or Hispanics so that their kids will (this is a quote) BE PRETTY. The notion is that their kids will have straighter hair, lighter skin, etc. Black self hatred is an issue that creeps up in unexpected ways (ex. The petition against Beyonce and Blue Ivy’s natural hair). If your marry anyone outside of your race there is NO guarantee that the child will look like the other parent or have their characteristics. I knew a Black woman who married a Lebanese man thinking her kids would all have lighter skin and straighter hair. The 1st 2 daughters did. The 3rd daughter? Looked exactly like her dark Black mother! A darker skinned Black man married a lighter skinned Black woman, where the 1st two kids came out light, while the 3rd looked exactly like him. But he had the NERVE to ask–why is this one so dark? Those type of marriages don’t last either of course.DON’T YOU THINK IF WE ALL HAD HEALTHY SELF LOVE FOR OURSELVES WE’D PAY SO MUCH ATTENTION TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING AND LOVE OUR CHILDREN S APPEARANCES NO MATTER WHAT? WE’D ALSO MAKE BETTER MARRIAGES REGARDLESS OF “RACE.”
I hate to be blunt but some of the comments on here are naive. Statistically most Black men marry Black women so I don’t think this is as huge an issue as people want to believe(in celebrity culture yes but less so outside of that, not that it matters). In a perfect world there should be nothing blocking love. I don’t think people should impose judgement on relationships based in love but I do take issue with people that wade into relationships seeking partners of other races because of self-hate issues. As a Black woman I’ve seen this in my own family. I had a cousin that had a white is right mentality so he would look past Black women to only get with White ones. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a frank conversation about this issue unless there is an acknowledgement that yes there are Black people who have been taught by larger society to hate themselves so much that they won’t date other Black people (not all by any means but yes there are some). Should all Black people sit in a circle and sing kumbaya and pretend that it’s ok to hate Blackness? So more self-hate continues to get perpetuated? My cousin and his wife have a daughter who is biracial and his wife got mad at my grandmother for buying get a Black doll and he said nothing. This little girl is part Black and she is definitely going to grow up with some serious issues as she has some already. I have a live and let live mentality personally (I certainly date whoever I want) but yes there are most certainly people who date outside of their race because of their own internal issues. Derek Luke’s relationship seems solid. I don’t think he should be called out for it but to assume everyone’s motivations for entering a biracial relationship are purely love based and without other issues is naive.
Well, you know, “impure” motives for marrying come in many forms, not just self hatred for being Black. People marry for green cards, because their biological clock is ticking, because it’s expected by family or culture, for money, etc. Race hatred would be the last reason I would think people would marry.
I never once said that there was only one impure motive. I was merely calling out one that I have seen on numerous occasions. I’m glad you live in a world where you were fortunate to have not seen someone marry outside their race for self-hatred issues. That doesn’t mean you can diminish what I’ve seen and experienced. Just because you may not see it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. The Black community is not monolithic and it definitely happens. I knew guys in school that wouldn’t date or marry Black women. One even told me he didn’t find Black women attractive (which is crazy because he was Black and his momma was Black). If you haven’t experienced something, please don’t discount or dismiss it because n your opinion you “think it is the last reason why people would marry”.
This has been a really interesting discussion and some great honest stories shared. I’ve always thought one great benefit of my kids being military brats was that they get exposed to so many different races and ethnicities. The incidents of interracial marriage in the military are pretty numerous–especially because people could be stationed all around the world. So lots of African Americans may have married white Europeans or white military married Filipinos (like my uncle did) or Hispanics marry Koreans and so on. There is just a ton of different types of interracial matchups. So while i won’t say my kids are color-blind (I don’t think that is realistic yet in today’s society) they are also completely unfazed by any interracial couples they meet and wouldn’t have any problems dating outside of their own race/ethnicity. I’d say about half their friends at any given time (especially when they were in a DOD school and not a regular public one) were of mixed ethnicity. When my eldest was a child, she wanted a black Barbie because it looked like one of her friends. I bought it because a) there wasn’t a reason not to and b) it was a nice break from the gazillion white Barbies they made you buy just to get a different outfit. But a lady at the commissary checkout commented on how wonderful it was that my white daughter had a black Barbie. This was about 15 years ago so I hope that the same incident wouldn’t garner any attention.
Military kids are the best. I grew up in Colorado Springs, which is as homogenous, cowboy bible thumping as you can get, and then you see a lot of kids who are of mixed race in areas near the bases of Pete Field, the Air Force Academy and Ft Carson (the rest of the city was majority white). We would joke that your mother was from wherever your father was stationed,which actually turned out to be true. Bc that was the norm for most of us, no one balked ever at interracial couples. Maybe we grew up in a bubble, I don’t know, but for a small Colorado town, it never felt like anything weird to have mixed couples. I guess we can thank the military for that.
Unbelievable he needs to straighten people out but there goes social media for you. Hidden commentary makes people vile. Everything you said Kaiser- spot on. Its ridiculous. Its from everyone, every race that we see this hereditary racism. Also, Derek Luke is fine so his wife is doing a fine job keeping him stellar and she is hot herself. We see this racism with Derek, Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron. Funny thing about the Derek’s wife and Twigs abuse: first off its 99% women, its not just white women or black women attacking, its hispanic women. Both of these women are hispanic (twigs mom) and so i find it all disgraceful.
When I am out and about with my white bf, guess who gives us more crap for it? Black men and white women. It’s pathetic no matter who does it. We’ve gotten comments and nasty looks from both WW, BM, asian women (that one is always surprising for some reason) and even gay men! People you wouldn’t expect to have a problem with it.
The ones who have been the most supportive have actually been white men, both young and old (and often conservative), and black women and girls.
Hey, Kaiser! If you promise to me in writing that I’ll look like Halle and my hubbie like the Rock if we are reborn, I promise I’ll start believing in reincarnation!!
Very wise – in this life, at least – to get it in writing.
They’re a hot couple! Derek’s response is adorable. I mean they’re both a minority. She’s a woman of color. And what if she was a white woman? So what! Do they have children?
How about the nasty comments about Robert Pattinson’s black finance, Twigs? Some people are infuriated their golden boy has fallen in love with a black woman. Now Zac Efron is dating a black woman too. Oh and some people are still infuriated about Ben Affleck proposing to Jennifer Lopez. It’s all so funny. It happens and it’s legal now.
I originally read this as a 17 year age gap, with him being younger so that was the issue not they have been married for 17 years and people don’t like that they are from different ethnic groups.
I, too, am mixed raced and never saw the problem. Some people just need something to complain about.
It’s funny how one thing can evoke so many different responses.
I don’t understand on a deeply personal level the strife of black women, but I do know that unfortunately many people put down black women and consider them unattractive. This saddens me to no end, but it explains why, when a black man marries outside of his race, it stings them. I myself have heard men of all different races talk about how unattractive black women are and I find that appalling. So much so that when I see a non-black man with a black woman, I get happy. Illogical? Maybe, but that’s me.
I, as a non-white Latina, can understand why it would sting when your own is with a white woman. I feel the same way too sometimes. I don’t mind interracial couples at all but the only time I feel a certain type of way is when I see it with a white woman. It’s because white women, while many consider “loose” (which also upsets me cuz wtf), are also seen as status symbols. I know it’s seen that way in Latino culture.
As for this particular couple, I find it interesting and my “response” if you will was totally different and maybe other Latinos can relate: I smiled when I saw this couple because he didn’t marry a white Latina or a black one. He married an “india” and if you’re Latino, you know that “indias” are also put down for their looks and considered “less than.” It brought a smile to this little india-looking woman’s face.
Point is that this is a complex issue and as somebody mentioned above, not black and white (bad pun? I still haven’t decided). For many it might be the interracial part that bothers me (they might not believe in mixing races) but for a lot of other people it might highlight larger issues including the standards of beauty in society and the behaviors/attitudes of people who are in interracial relationships towards people of their same race.
In my culture, if I’m allowed to be honest here, White women are not considered a “status symbol” but rather they are seen as “easy to get” or have “been with many many men”. It’s disgusting to think these stereotypes exist, but women of all origins have stereotypes about them…we can’t win no matter what.
A question: “White” women are seen as that… What about latinas like Derek’s wife, Is that stereotyped view restricted to a race?
I’m not surprised. My dad is black and my mom is white, some members of my dad’s family still have huge issues with that. Whatever, my parents have been married over 40 years and the family members who were the biggest jerks to them are all divorced.
That’s called Karma !
Ditto!
Just wanted to say that I appreciate – more than is possible to express – everyone who’s been willing to honestly discuss, analyze, confess, learn, teach, respond, and generously share extremely personal examples & experiences in such a public forum (esp. within a format not always dedicated to this sort of subject matter).
The power and strength of being not only willing and capable – but downright determined – to do so… and to keep at it, bit by bit, person by person, opinion by opinion, exposing & confronting prejudice by prejudice… whether they’re our own, or others’… never ceases to amaze me, and strengthens my own determination and hope. Thank you.
For me to put all argument up in one answer is like this:-
In each race there is Sexism ,Religionism, Economism .Unless they settle these issues among them they can not fully win the race equality war among one nation of diversity. you can’t fight racism when you oppress your own woman or disrespect your neighbor from other religion or the poor.
and maybe this will shed light on why we women here call the case confusing and complicated.
Actually its not , these social, gender classification for human has been created for so long by many generation of men seeking power. Men always fought men, they needed all these classification to gain power and wealth. For-god sake they even enslaved white and black men to concur.
They needed not only colors but shed of colors , money and even penny, christian, Muslim or Jewish and atheist.
They created all these without our input. we were baby makers for like father like son.
Its not black or white men culture its men in general are still ruling .
I hope there is a day when women of all races , religion, economy backgrounds make revolution against men to end this classifications. If women don’t understand that they will never win. they make us fight each other for their wars .
There is one article of one actress talked about feminism through sex and making baby, she was almost right but did not phrase it well. The Key was almost there… Babies. generations of no classifications tout & enlighten by white, black , Asian oppressed women who took an oath to themselves not give birth to everyday casual dictators.
Please excuse my English, I’am not native English speaker.
Viva la revolucion!!! I agree – fight the real problem, not other women.
I’m shocked you grew up without being aware that people may have an issue with your parent’s interracial relationship. I am Indian. and I know first hand how Indians detest their children marrying outside their ethnicity. Hell, us Indians even go as far as caste and not being able to marry someone who’s ancestrial village is too far or too near, etc. It’s a whole lot of things. Most Indians make it very well known they do not approve of marrying outside. It’s still not ok for some to date (even if the guy/girl they are dating is Indian !). You were lucky to grow up not seeing any of that. I have relatives who have married Caucasians and though they are treated with respect, the crap that is said behind their back is disgusting. It’s always about “they can never fit in…they will never be accepted in our community”, etc. I, personally would prefer to marry in my own ethnicity because it’s just what I want…nothing racist…I just don’t think people should be called out for wanting to marry someone with similar ethnicity and beliefs. It’s a personal choice.
So as a Mexican American the term ‘Hispanic’ and not ‘Latino’ was interesting to me. Have we finally had enough of the ‘Latino’ term? (eye roll)
G, people cannot agree in the meaning of that term. Latino, Hispanic, Latin american, even Spanish, is used as they wish ethnicity, language, nationality, race. Many times like Trump does, everyone South of the border who is unwanted, becomes “Mexican”. And then some people, like from Spain, Brazil, or Chile and Argentina weigh in and everything becomes even more complicated!
I get tired by reading comments at yahoo news 😉
And that’s not even adding the term “Luisitanian” to the mix. Nothing drives my brazilian friend crazier than being called Hispanic. lol
It’s not news, but as a Caucasian man married for 32 years to a black woman, I can tell you that it is unfortunately still a big deal to a lot of idiots. We still occasionally get a strange look here and there, and every once in a while we’ll realize that we consistently get strange treatment from a particular waiter or salesperson somewhere and there’s that “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!” moment. But thankfully, those are not common where we live. Still, there are plenty of folks who just think that way.
As a fellow star child, I salute another member of the mothership.
LOL, yes, I’m quite a funk fan. Just listened to the 12″ version of Flashlight on the way to work.
@ the good Dr. Funkenstein: excellent decision to get it going. If that version won’t get you there, I’d worry about a pulse.
Now you’ve got me looking for TAPOAFOM. Time for a little math lesson before I take a very cool summer swim. 🙂
When you meet someone who raises the bar on how you should be treated… who loves you in so many ways, even ways you never saw…who has stood with you trial after trial…who supports you and cheerleads you and is ballsy enough to calls you out on your own bullshit but still accept you, foibles and all…who expands your heart and mind and soul…. and you can return all this to him and more…you don’t see skin color. You don’t see weight. You don’t see money and you don’t see religion. You see love. Political and societal issues be damned, you see love.
Forget about how young he looks, let’s talk about HER LEGS!!!!
As a black woman who was raised and lives in a predominately caucasian city, I date outside my race because that’s just what’s available to me. The most of black men I know here did/do the same thing. So unless I want to sit at home knitting or feeding 20 cats I gotta be progressive. I’ve also lived in other cities where is pretty much the same unless you’ve have a large pool to choose from.
As someone said up thread the least amount of shade I’ve had is actually from white men. Then there’s a few black women I know who just refuse to date outside. My cousin is one. She gets hit on by very eligible and worthy men and turns then down because they’re not black. So to each their own. The one issue I have with that is with the pool being shallow it leads to a lot of side chickery. Which is exactly where my cousin has found herself a few times.
I’m a white french canadian girl with a black guy from Africa (he arrived here when he was a toddler). His older sisters (they are a lot!!!) are all married with black guys. They even advised him to marry a black girl even though they like me and we all get along pretty well so it’s not against me, it’s againt my color. I feel like this a real form of racism against me. There is not a lot of black people in my little french canadian town so it’s not a surprise that my husband fell in love with a white girl… i’m more surprise that all my sisters in law managed to find a black guy because there is not a lot! They definetely let their heart felt for a skin color more then for a person, a human being no matter his or her color! This is how a feel in my little french canadian town with not a lot of other people then white people…I have never gotten a side eye because I was with a black guy until the day we went outside Québec… as soon as we get to Ottawa or Toronto… OMG I got so many side eye that I was litterally scared. Racism is a real thing!!!!
Very interesting thread. FWIW, I’m white and my boyfriend is black. His online dating profile said he was open to women of all ages and race/ethnicity. He has dated women of all races. That said, he once said if he could be in a relationship with a black woman that would be the best. Given how much he thinks about race, and knowing his background, I can appreciate that. I feel lucky to be with him though a lot of women might find his relatively low income, dedication to his music and lack of desire to procreate unappealing, which vastly lowers his pool of dating candidates. Who one dates is complex.
Me and a friend of mine just started dating. I am black, and he is white. We were just discussing this topic yesterday. He told me that the black cashiers were looking at him in a rude manner, in which he believed that it was about our race. A black woman with a white man. As we continued to talk, I told him about the white cashier, and his family, who gave us looks when we entered their fishing lake. One of the girls even said, “wow” when they realized we were together. My friend hadn’t heard this and didn’t know of it happening. He said to me, while we were in the parking lot, so it’s alright if a black man dates a white woman, but a white man can’t date a black woman. We were both annoyed but laughed it off. His mom, whom is racist–his words–not mine told me that when he told his mom that he was dating a black woman she said, “it’s your bed, you’re gonna have to lye in it.” I laughed it off and told him, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
I am a biracial woman (my father is African my mother is white). This issue has been hurtful to me in so many ways.
I also grew up in a glorious bubble where I had no idea that anyone might take issue with my dark skinned Ugandan father and my blue eyed American mother. I had no concept of “race” really. I knew my parents looked differently and I adored them both and that they loved eachother.
It wasn’t until fifth or sixth grade or so that the comments begin.. “is THAT your mom? Weird.”
Now, as a 30 year old, I’ve had to end a relationship with a man I really loved because his family hated me for being black. They are uneducated and ignorant and raised my ex in an extremely racist, emotionally unhealthy environment.
The fact that I have a masters degree, a good job, try to be a good caring person.. Oh, and that I truly loved their son didn’t matter.
The dad’s reply: she’s still a ni**er.
I tried to continue things with my ex without regard to his family… But it’s a huge issue and drove us apart. It came down to choosing his family or me.
God, I can’t believe someone would say that … I feel for you LilyT.
Thank you @pandy. t’s been an absolutely awful, heartbreaking experience.
They’re an extremely cute couple. Eff the haters.
Also Derek, you must share the location of the fountain of youth. Goodness, I would have bet he was in his late twenties, at most!
I think they’re beautiful together.
Guess it’s my turn to chime in on this topic. I dated one white man in my life and it was not a good experience. We went out on a date and it seemed as if every black man we encountered had an issue. I was even called a sellout. One man even approached my date and tried to start an argument with him. It was insane. Sadly, I never dated outside of my race again.
Additionally, I have had black men tell me that they do not date black women but they would make an exception for me. I have also been told that I’m attractive(by black men) because my features are not too black(i.e. wide nose, big lips, etc.) It’s a sad issue all around. Lastly, there are too many black men who are degrading black women to other races, thereby making them undesirable. I really wish that they would stop it. Be happy with the other race if that’s what you want, but stop talking negatively about black women. Yes, I understand why black women feel the way they do. Has a white man ever told a white women that they do not date white women? I would not know, but It would be interesting to know if this is something that occurs…
Guess it’s my turn to chime in on this topic. I dated one white man in my life and it was not a good experience. We went out on a date and it seemed as if every black man we encountered had an issue. I was even called a sellout. One man even approached my date and tried to start an argument with him. It was insane. Sadly, I never dated outside of my race again.
Additionally, I have had black men tell me that they do not date black women but they would make an exception for me. I have also been told that I’m attractive(by black men) because my features are not too black(i.e. wide nose, big lips, etc.) It’s a sad issue all around.
Lastly, there are too many black men who are degrading black women to other races, thereby making them undesirable. I really wish that they would stop it. Be happy with the other race if that’s what you want, but stop talking negatively about black women. Yes, I understand why black women feel the way they do. Has a white man ever told a white women that they do not date white women? I would not know, but It would be interesting to know if this is something that occurs…
Not sure why i’m being moderated. I did not use any foul or offensive language.
I know I’m so late in the game and I know this is slightly off topic, but now to add another interesting layer hmm it’s not only race thats gets prejudice when it comes to romance.
I saw this comment that some people say ”You’re pretty for a black girl.”
Well, I get the same comment but for a different matter,” you ‘re pretty for a girl in a wheelchair.”
or how people in wheelchairs should date only people in wheelchairs, just like some believe one should stick to dating within their race.
Or being some kind of sexual fetish- toy to certain people. *Sigh, to society I’m either an eternal child with no human desires or some kind of fetish sex toy.
or how disabled people shouldn’t date at all,
I think it all boils down to someone’s idea of perfection and just people getting quite envious at others happiness and how they must take someone down a peg or two to feel good about themselves or sometimes it’s people not knowing they are conditioned to think a certain way and one has to learn you may not be everybody’s idea of perfection, but to someone out there, someone that actually matters to you , to them you are perfect and that’s all that matters.
I wish him many more years of happiness with his wife
I know there are deeper issues and anxieties at play, but our society really needs to MOVE ON. To me, the big hoopla over mixed race couples just seems so dumb and pointless. The best thing for our society is mixed race couples!! Think about the beautiful, informed perspective children in mixed families will bring to the world. Sometimes I think it’s the best solution to our problems.