Miley Cyrus sort-of won me over with her talented performance on A Very Murray Christmas. She dressed appropriately, for her, she sang her heart out, and she sort-of proved that she’s more than capable of performing typical songs, in normal clothes, with her tongue in her mouth and her ass in line with the rest of her body. It’s rather clear that Miley would prefer not to perform this way, however. Her new video, for BB Talk, has so much wrong with it I don’t know where to start. Leave it to Miley to pose as a sexualized baby with comically oversized accessories. Here are my thoughts as I watch this ridiculous video.

First thoughts: of course Miley is smoking pot, and of course she drops an F bomb to start it off. At least there’s no baby with a bong in the beginning. (Update from later in the timeline, Miley smokes a baby bottle bong at the end.)

:20 Miley’s baby outfit isn’t entirely see through. That’s progress.

:30 If she has long hair does that mean she’s supposed to be a toddler, not a baby?

Since when do babies wear oversized milkmaid hats?

What is she talking about even? Is she waxing philosophical about a past relationship while she’s involved with another guy? I really do not need to see her in a diaper. Why does she sound like she’s got a mouth guard in?

:40 This beat is catchy and I like the dancing babies in the oversized diapers. This video needs more giant outfits and less Miley.

:45 I saw nip while she was crawling toward the giant bottle.

1:00 oh hell no with that tiny leotard in the crib. That’s like what she wore in the Terry Richardson photoshoot.

The chorus does not redeem this song. I’d rather hear Miley’s smoker’s voice than this melancholy singing.

1:15 Miley has her legs over her head with her ass in the air. I can’t.

1:30 Whose baby talk is Miley complaining about? Is it the new guy in bed with her or the old one she’s thinking about in a marijuana haze?

1:33 She actually howled.

1:39 The chorus ends with “F*ck me so you stop baby talking.” That line is somewhat genius and now I know she’s mad at the new guy.

Jesus there are three minutes left… if I scroll down I can have a nice palette cleanser by watching Adele’s Hello for the 20th time.

I’m sorry for doing this to you, but I had to see it so you do too:

This song had some funny lines in it, I have to give it up to Miley:

“You put me in these situations where I look like a f*ing dumbass bitch and I’m not a dumbass bitch.”

“I hate all that f’ing PDA I probably hate it more than your f*ing friends do.”

2:30 When Miley sings “I feel like I’m going to vomit” and then we see Miley with with her legs wrapped around a giant baby bottle rolling around on the floor, I can totally relate.

I swear to you I watched the rest of this goddamn video. She sucks her toe, wears footie pajamas, and then spoiler – goes into detail about having sex with the guy and enjoying it despite his cutesy schtick annoying her.

I really wanted this post to end here, I don’t enjoy talking about Miley showing side mons and humping her crib as a sexualized baby, but there’s a mammy character who appears at the end because of course there is.