Melissa Joan Hart recently sat down with Us Weekly to be interviewed for their MOMS Video segment. Melissa is mom to three sons aged 10, eight and four and is currently the spokesperson for LiveHealth Online. LiveHealth Online is a paid app that gives people virtual access to doctors through video appointments. I can think of about four friends who should never know about this service because they’d spend their kids tuition on online doctors every time they get a hang nail. Anyway, Melissa talked to Us Weekly about her ever-present Mom Guilt and how she thinks a messy house is a sign you love your kids.
Melissa Joan Hart’s cleaning philosophy: Why bother!?
“I have a sign in my house that says ‘please pardon the mess, my children are making memories,’” the mom of Mason, 10, Braydon, 8, and Tucker, 4 (with musician husband Mark Wilkerson), told Us Weekly Video. “I think that’s important to remember. They’re only little once, and there’ll be some day where I’m not picking up Legos and Silly Putty isn’t stuck to my couch and I can actually have a clean house. But those are the days that I’ll miss my kids.”
The 40-year-old spokeswoman for LiveHealth Online also got real about mom guilt. “I have mom guilt that I’m here right now and I didn’t put my kids on the school bus … I didn’t spend enough time with this one… didn’t pack a healthy-enough lunch. I threw away some toys that they love,” the former Melissa & Joey actress admitted. “You really have this guilt every single day, and it eats away at you that you’re not a good person and you can’t do it right.”
Melissa said she is against her kids being on social media but is ok with them playing on iPads. She likes it when they play Minecraft because she wants them to be architects. I am totally down with her house-cleaning excuse. My house is a mess because I am a terrible housekeeper. However, I fully intend to tell people from now on that the reason there is two-year old Jello stuck to my couch cushion is because I was just too busy enjoying my children’s youth, thankyouverymuch.
As for Mom Guilt, I don’t know… why is this a question that always has to be asked? Obviously it’s a problem that no one asks about Dad Guilt. However, it seems like society has swung around the other end on Mom Guilt to the point of ennobling it. As if guilt is yet another weapon in the Mom Wars: what you feel guilty about, how much guilt makes you a better mom, etc. It just seems like one more thing for us to quantify. Melissa emphasized a few times how fleeting our kids youth is and that they’ll be gone before we know it so we should put everything else aside to enjoy it. It’s like we spend so much time trying to convince ourselves that we have to sop up every moment of their youth only to kill those memories by telling ourselves that we will mess the whole thing up. At what point are we allowed to enjoy being parents?
Photo credit: Fame/Flynet and WENN Photos
There’s just always been something about her I’ve found unlikable. I find it hard to root for her.
Me too, but it’s probably because I know two people who met her in person and said she was stuck up and rude. One story involves Solei Moon Frye and my friend said she was very cool and personable, but Melissa seemed to think she was above everyone at the bar. I also seem to remember something shady going down with how she got her husband? Or maybe I’m confusing stories with what my friends told me, I’m too lazy to google.
On another note, I don’t like that “excuse my mess, my kids are making memories” thing, it gives off a sanctimommy vibe, so if my house is clean I’m a bad mom? No, my husband and I both have OCD and we like our house clean, we’re still decent parents! Doesn’t matter how clean or dirty your house is people, promise!
Clarissa explains it ALL
Good point Hecate, when has anyone said one word about Dad Guilt?
I think what she’s shilling is called Live Health Online not Live Healthy Online tho.
Ah – good catch! Thank you.
My husband has little to no dad guilt. He works hard for them, and every evening comes home to play with them. That’s as far as he thinks it out. I think a lot of dads are like that. I, on the other hand, worry nonstop. Maybe it’s already a “thing” that the media capitalizes on, not that it invented. I know a lot of families like mine and we talk about our guilt and stress and our husbands. I’m not saying everyone’s the same, but this is true for me.
I’ll have to agree completely. My husband can spend his whole day with our baby while I go about doing errands, or even when I just want to sit down for half an hour doing nothing. But he never feels any kind of guilt re the baby and doesn’t understand why women do, if a child is clean, not hungry, dressed and satisfied then everything else will be handled.
I, on the other hand, just discovered this mom guilt in me. In my country you get a full year of paid maternity leave and loving my job as I do it seemed too much for me, I decided to go back to work after 6 months and my husband will go for the next 6 on the paternity leave (also available here). It all seemed pretty fine until the moment came and now I feel gulty for basically everything- not being with her in the mornings, not breastfeeding in the mornings, deciding to work instead of being with the baby for another 6 months, not taking her for walks in the morning, all to the point that now I feel extra guilty for putting her in her bed to sleep at night (which is right next to ours) instead of letting her sleep with me (although she sleeps normally in her bed since she was born). Needless to say that my husband totally doesn’t see why I’m feeling like this and why I should.
So I kinda think that Dad guilt isn’t really a thing.
Enough with “Mom Guilt.” Unless you’re abusing your children, I’m sure you’re doing JUST FINE.
I totally have mom guilt. Mind you, I couldn’t be a stay at home parent because I think it would drive me nuts, but there’s a biological urge to be with your kids. So when you’re not….I guess that’s the ‘guilt’ part. Though there has to be a less blamey word.
+1 i hear you. I’m a SAHM (I work PT but it’s online and at night when they’re asleep). Staying home doesn’t stop the guilt. I worry they’re not each getting enough attention or healthy enough food or mental stimulation/education or exercise, that I didn’t listen enough to their stories or that I should be working so I could better provide for their college/future etc. I think it’s just human nature- kids are a big, important deal to their parents so of course you think about it and try to do right 🙂
How about using the word “concern” instead of guilt? Guilt implies wrongdoing. I don’t like the whole “Mom guilt” thing. It seems to be a relatively recent phenomenon. When I was a kid in the 1980’s I don’t remember hearing about “Mom guilt.” To me it seems like just another thing to judge/compare women by…i.e. if you aren’t feeling “guilty” all the time maybe you aren’t a good or concerned enough Mom.
A friend of mine is pushing me to get a passport. (He’s single and childless). He told me once it’s in my hands I’ll feel this “amazing sense of freedom.”
I can’t seem to get across to him that being away from my kids and in another country would make me uneasy, not relaxed. (I’m a single mother which compounds it. Their dad isn’t in the picture). There’s something with motherhood where every single cell is programmed to your babies. Evolution, I suppose. Until the day they can truly fend for themselves it’s understandably my drive to want to be with them.
A good snuggle from a moppy little boy beats a vacation any day in my world.
+1 I totally get this! I feel tense when I’m away from mine, exactly like you say! I’m always in a rush to get back to them and trying to find ways to bring them with me.
Dad guilt isn’t a thing because it doesn’t really exist.
Mom guilt is a thing because it truly does exist. It was a major component of my post pardum anxiety. It’s something you have to be mindful of and work on. It’s part of the natural hyper vigilance that sets in for many mothers.
Let’s not pretend it’s not real. It is real and it can be overwhelming and painful, and personally I needed therapy to address it. Now that I’m pregnancy with my second I already feel it setting in and will have to work harder against it.
She’s talking about something real. Damn, people are so quick to want to shut someone up if they don’t relate. Have some empathy.
I’m so sorry Patricia! That’s horrible and I can somewhat relate on a smaller scale. You taking the steps to do what you needed to for YOU is a huge sign that you’re a kick-ass mom. We’re programmed to protect. Some people just don’t get it and that’s ok, (if they’re not being sanctimonious harpies). Keep on keepin on and know you’re not alone. 🙂
(And congrats on little squid #2!)
+1 I tried to say the same but didn’t want to be flamed 🙂 I don’t think dad guilt is a thing. Mom guilt is. It’s biological. I can’t even listen to them cry- I get so tense and panicky. My husband can tune it out. It’s not the same connection.
Dad guilt DOES exist. It’s just that men don’t feel comfortable talking about it. They’re either shouted down over mom guilt or made to feel silly for their feeling the way they do. Men have the same biological instincts. It’s a human thing and not a gender one
My personal experience, (emphasis personal and MY) is neither my father nor my partner were in tune as much with their children. When my ex was in the picture I would see it every day. My daughter would be WAILING about some insignificant kid strife and my only concern was to comfort her. He just wanted her to shut up. (He’s a dick, but there you have it). Not saying there isn’t a man alive who doesn’t feel as emotionally attached in the same mommy vein to their child, I just think it’s much more rare.
The word ‘guilt’ doesn’t get across truly what we’re feeling though. Back on the plains there were very defined gender roles. (Provider and nurturer). Now so many women are doing both. It’s a testament to how strong we are. We can step up to provide, could men step up to nurture? Support, not tear down. It’s not easy for anybody.
@k37744: I’m not trying to belittle or minimize or belittle the mental health issues a mother might face, nor am I trying to imply that women are less than in any way, I hope that’s not how my comment came across. I’m just saying that many men do experience some of the same anxieties and fears that women do, and they’re sometimes afraid of expressing them due to the pressure that society puts on them. I’ve had quite a bit of experience with this. I personally think women might have an easier time if things were such that men could express their feelings as well without having them dismissed. In my experience it helps tremendously when parents can discuss these issues openly. I’m sorry you had a bad experience with your ex.
I will say that I think it’s time to let go of things that occurred in prehistoric times as it does a disservice to everyone. There are women who do the job of both parents, just as there are men who do as well
I appreciate that you posed your side respectfully. 🙂 I hear you. We can agree to disagree.
Does a sympathetic partner make it easier to sit in a supply closet at work (if you’re lucky) and pump instead of breastfeed your baby? Does a sympathetic partner make it easier to go through the physical rollercoaster of pregnancy and childbirth when your body does absolutely wonderful, disgusting and amazing things? Does a sympathetic partner make it easier to not be able to drink caffeine while you exhaustedly feel your milk leaking through your shirt during a meeting? Maybe….but my point is men’s experiences aren’t the same.
Sadly, I think the majority of working mothers face this ‘guilt’ issue to some degree and a man being able to ‘express himself’ isn’t even in the equation. His life changed too, no doubt, but in a different way.
If anything I’d think women would be THRILLED to have their man have strong emotions about their babies. I’m sure those guys are out there. Sounds like you have/are/know one. 🙂 Baby steps.
I would be cannon fodder in the mommy wars. I don’t have mom guilt. Never have. I liked going off to work and leaving the kids with their work from home father (when he was still alive) and then left them with the nanny after he passed away. I needed my time to be me. Not to say that I “enjoyed” being away from them. I loved coming home at the end of the day and I made sure my office hours were such that I could get home and do the homework and have the time with them that we all needed. Saturday snuggles in bed watching cartoons were awesome. Now that they’re older and I’m remarried, I’ve increased my office hours and do more conferences and the like. And I don’t feel guilty. And I think maybe my kids have benefited from seeing that their mom could have a good career and still give them what they needed. I dunno. *shrugs* I guess we all do what we have to do as parents and there’s no right way to be and feel about the job we do.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
And I say that as a stay at home mom who has guilt that has been noted by others. I hope I can get to that place too where I can feel more confident in my parenting and child rearing choices. The logical side of me knows the guilt isn’t healthy or productive, but the emotional side often wins. It’s a struggle. I’m sure your children benefit from having such a confident and self assured mother. And no cannon fire from me. Only respect.
My mum guilt is about more important things – did I keep her hearing aids in enough today? Does she know how blessed we are? I need to keep the house clean for my mental health. I also teach my 1 year old to put away her toys. Maybe Sabrina could try that.
The pardon my kids quote is sanctimommy IMO – as a stay at home mom of 4 ( by choice- cause I do love being with them)- my fav quote is “pardon the mess, my children are being a**holes today”
-about sums up my thoughts😜
Loved melissa and joey! Clicked bc i was hoping she was doing something besides just a mom…oh well…moms are people too.