Ryan Lochte made a baby with his apparently headless fiancée, JEAH!

My first idea for the headline for this story was “Dumb merman impregnates headless Playmate.” But I thought the reaction to that would be a lot of “????” So here’s the story: dummy Ryan Lochte impregnated his fiancée Kayla Rae Reid. I did the math on this one! They announced their engagement on October 9th, about nine weeks ago. Traditionally, couples announce the pregnancy when they’ve cleared three months, or twelve to thirteen weeks. Is it possible that she found out she was pregnant and that’s why they had the quickie engagement? Possibly. Probably. They got engaged after dating for six months, and they met on Tinder this spring. That’s just an FYI – I’m not judging. How else do you expect a Playmate and an Olympian to meet? JEAH.

Still, what’s notable to me about Lochte’s baby announcement is the fact that he adheres to the Justin Timberlake School of Cropping Your Baby-Mama’s Head Out of the Photo. Remember when Justin finally announced Jessica Biel’s pregnancy and his Instagram announcement was just his face kissing her bump, like the message is “JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE MADE A BABY.” While Lochte didn’t exactly crop Kayla’s head out of his Instagram, it was definitely posed (underwater, because he’s a merman) so that it would just be about Lochte, the person with a head, and Kayla’s headless bump.

Thankfully, Kayla posted a separate pregnancy announcement on her Instagram, and she used a photo where she has a head.

In any case, Ryan Lochte made a baby, so maybe his year turned out okay after all. Now that we’re months removed from the Olympic debacle and we’re looking true catastrophe in the bloated, orange face, do you think that some people might have overreacted a little bit to Lochte? He literally got more sh-t for telling some lies to Billy Bush than Donald Trump got for anything. Anyway, congrats, Ryan and Kayla. I hope they don’t go with a water birth just because Lochte loves a theme.


Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, Instagram.

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29 Responses to “Ryan Lochte made a baby with his apparently headless fiancée, JEAH!”

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  1. Sixer says:

    It’s lunch time here in Britland, you know, Kaiser.

    And I must say, the thought of Ryan Lochte sex is putting me right off my sandwich.

    • It'sJustBlanche says:

      Yeah those pictures are more intimate than I want to see him being. Also, her giant fake boobs look even faker floating around in the water.

      I’m sure this will last.

    • Frida_K says:

      Ha, ha, good one Sixer!

      Yes, I too noticed how functional her floatation devices are and was skeeved by the sexytimes implication of the photographs. Yuck and yuckier in a nutshell.

    • S says:

      Yes, my first (non-PC) thought was that she was headless in Ryan’s photo because he couldn’t drag her under with him thanks to the balloons she had strapped to her chest.

  2. neelyo says:

    Remember the good ol’ days when he was the most embarrassing thing about the USA?

  3. Lulu says:

    He’s my shame celeb crush … I can’t help it, I find his douchey face so attractive 🙈🙈🙈

  4. Belle Epoch says:

    This interview is all you need to know:


  5. Abby says:

    He’s so hot. And dumb. They’re going to have a pretty baby. I hope she’s a bit more intelligent than him though!

    • smcollins says:

      According to the latest reports children apparently get their intelligence from the mother. Not sure I agree, but hey, this hopefully gives their kid a fighting chance.
      Guarantee their son/daughter will be a total water baby either way!

  6. vbv says:

    Beautiful man who lacks intelligence and a sense of morals.

  7. Nicole says:

    This couple looks like they lack so many brain cells

  8. paolanqar says:

    I’ll be very surprised if that baby will find his way out of her uterus. They’re both as thick as they come.

  9. Grnfox says:

    You know-I’ve never once commented on this site but I actually fell off the treadmill this morning upon reading the title of this thread. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Thanks for making my morning!

  10. Radley says:

    Her announcement is pretty irritating. I hate it when people treat pregnancy as the surprising and unexpected result of unprotected sex. That’s how it usually works, hon.

    • Kitkatk8 says:

      Agree – but I must say – my 3 year old was a “surprise” as I was on the pill and taking it regularly! Sometimes they just sort of find a way

  11. Littlestar says:

    Wow her implants look super obvious

  12. Lucky Charm says:

    Congratulations to them, and all my best to the little guy or girl! Unless you’ve been consistently using birth control and it was one of the small percentages of OOPS, I still don’t understand how, in 2016, two people who have unprotected sex can be “surprised” at a pregnancy?

    “Traditionally, couples announce the pregnancy when they’ve cleared three months, or twelve to thirteen weeks.” Unless your name is Duggar, then you announce your pregnancy ten seconds after conception, LOL.

  13. A Fan says:

    Ridiculous grapefruit tits.

    [*Wonder if he’s figured out they’re fake yet.*]