Joss Whedon’s ex-wife: Joss is a compulsive cheater & a fake feminist

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Depending on how you look at it, Joss Whedon is either a well-known male feminist in Hollywood, or he’s well known for telling you how he’s a male feminist. To be fair, Joss often says the right things about feminism, telling female stories and the need for more female protagonists in films. To be fair, a lot of what he says could be interpreted as virtue signaling from a guy who actually hasn’t done much in recent years to bring forth powerful storytelling for women (hello, Black Widow). Anyway, Joss Whedon was married to Kai Cole for about fifteen years. They got married in 1991, after being together for four years. They quietly separated a few years ago, but only announced their split this year. They have two children together. The Wrap just published an essay called “Joss Whedon Is a ‘Hypocrite Preaching Feminist Ideals,’ Ex-Wife Kai Cole Says.” You can read the full piece here. In the piece, Cole completely destroys any idea that anyone might have had that Joss Whedon is a good guy, a good husband or a good feminist. Here’s an excerpt from the piece:

…There were times in our relationship that I was uncomfortable with the attention Joss paid other women. He always had a lot of female friends, but he told me it was because his mother raised him as a feminist, so he just liked women better. He said he admired and respected females, he didn’t lust after them. I believed him and trusted him. On the set of “Buffy,” Joss decided to have his first secret affair.

Fifteen years later, when he was done with our marriage and finally ready to tell the truth, he wrote me, “When I was running ‘Buffy,’ I was surrounded by beautiful, needy, aggressive young women. It felt like I had a disease, like something from a Greek myth. Suddenly I am a powerful producer and the world is laid out at my feet and I can’t touch it.” But he did touch it. He said he understood, “I would have to lie — or conceal some part of the truth — for the rest of my life,” but he did it anyway, hoping that first affair, “would be ENOUGH, that THEN we could move on and outlast it.”

Joss admitted that for the next decade and a half, he hid multiple affairs and a number of inappropriate emotional ones that he had with his actresses, co-workers, fans and friends, while he stayed married to me.

…Then later, after he confessed everything, he told me, “I let myself love you. I stopped worrying about the contradiction. As a guilty man I knew the only way to hide was to act as though I were righteous. And as a husband, I wanted to be with you like we had been. I lived two lives.” When he walked out of our marriage, and was trying to make “things seem less bewildering” to help me understand how he could have lied to me for so long, he said, “In many ways I was the HEIGHT of normal, in this culture. We’re taught to be providers and companions and at the same time, to conquer and acquire — specifically sexually — and I was pulling off both!”

Despite understanding, on some level, that what he was doing was wrong, he never conceded the hypocrisy of being out in the world preaching feminist ideals, while at the same time, taking away my right to make choices for my life and my body based on the truth. He deceived me for 15 years, so he could have everything he wanted. I believed, everyone believed, that he was one of the good guys, committed to fighting for women’s rights, committed to our marriage, and to the women he worked with. But I now see how he used his relationship with me as a shield, both during and after our marriage, so no one would question his relationships with other women or scrutinize his writing as anything other than feminist.

…By the time he finally confessed the truth, 15 years after his first affair on the set of “Buffy,” I was broken. My brain could not fit my experience of our life together, through the new lens of his deceit. My entire reality changed overnight, and I went from being a strong, confident woman, to a confused, frightened mess. I was eventually diagnosed with Complex PTSD and for the last five years, I have worked hard to make sense of everything that happened and find my balance again. It has not been easy, because even though in my personal life I have been completely open about what happened, publicly people only know his superficial presentation of us: him as the lovable geek-feminist and me in the background, as his wife and supporter. We’re finally divorced; I’m doing architecture again, and slowly getting my life and self-esteem back.

Until recently, Joss was still letting the illusion of our marriage stay intact. Now that it is finally public, I want to let women know that he is not who he pretends to be. I want the people who worship him to know he is human, and the organizations giving him awards for his feminist work, to think twice in the future about honoring a man who does not practice what he preaches.

[From The Wrap]

I saw some comments on Twitter which were like “you’re not necessarily a bad feminist if you cheat on your spouse.” That’s true – you can be a good feminist who works to support equality across the board and passionately engage in political and social feminism, all while cheating on your partner. This situation is a lot more than that, though. Joss Whedon not only cheated on his wife, he gaslighted her for nearly two decades, he used his virtue-signaling “feminism” and the shield of his marriage to sleep with female colleagues. Think about the power imbalance of that too – how many young women he might have seduced, how little power they had compared to The Great Joss Whedon, family man and feminist. The whole thing makes me feel sick. This too: “We’re taught to be providers and companions and at the same time, to conquer and acquire — specifically sexually — and I was pulling off both.” Much feminist, Joss. I’m glad Feminist Whedon talks about his affairs with female colleagues in terms of “conquering and acquiring.”

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255 Responses to “Joss Whedon’s ex-wife: Joss is a compulsive cheater & a fake feminist”

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  1. detritus says:

    Have you seen some of the stuff he wrote for Wonder Woman? It’s.. it’s bad guys.

    I’ve also been recently rewatching Buffy, and there are a lot of hefty problems I didn’t exactly recognize before, not enough to make me stop watching, but yikes. 17 and 200? Xander is apparently Josh’s alter ego? And poor f@cking Kendra, there was zero reason to off her except to hire Dushku.

    Also did not know he fired Cordelia for getting pregnant and was so pissed that he wrote her out and changed her story line entirely. He ruined her and I could never figure out why, except it’s just plain assholery.
    Some pieces of the Wonder Woman script Josh proposed and salty take downs about Buffy etc.

    • Ninks says:

      Yeah, I started rewatching BUffy recently and, there’s a lot of it that I really dislike. I found Angel’s relationship with Buffy is so gross in hindsight. I’ve rewatched the first two seasons, and I don’t think I’ll bother with the rest.

      • Hannah says:

        @Bluthfan Charisma said otherwise at a con when asked?

      • detritus says:

        I still have love for BVtS, and because what it represented at the time.
        I’m cringing in advance over Spike and Buffy’s relationship to come, and how Joss said Spikes arc was the best. You know, the arc where he tries to rape his partner, the main character. I had problems with it even while younger, I do not think its going to age well at all.

      • Ange says:

        I had to dip out when Riley appeared. He was touted as this amazing boyfriend and he was honestly the WORST.

    • Hannah says:

      Not really going to add to the marital issues because I have been around enough break ups to know that they are messy, people exaggerate, people lie. etc so who knows what is going on.

      The Buffy points though:

      Killing Kendra hurt the viewer, but similar to Tara and Joyce, it is a death that had to happen to effect another character (Buffy) the way it needed to. Also, the introduction of a rogue watcherless slayer is amazing and I don’t think you can argue that Faith is an unworthy or waste of space character. She had a massive impact on the show and her arc is one of the best.

      Charisma didn’t tell the producers she was pregnant until she was absolutely massive and there really wasn’t much they could do by then to fix the character/story line. They changed the planned story line of her being Jasmine and instead wrote it with her giving birth to Jasmine. There really wasn’t much saving the character at that stage. The writers, actress and viewers were exhausted with that story. She returns in one of the most beautifully written TV episodes called You’re Welcome in season 5 and we finally get to see the real Cordelia again.

      • Bluthfan says:

        That isn’t true about Charisma. They were aware of her pregnancy and intentionally wrote a shitty storyline for her that destroyed Cordelia’s character and made her crawl the on floor, etc. while pregnant pretending she was carrying a demon baby.

        They finally wrote the You’re Welcome after a huge segment of the Angel fandom came after them for screwing over Charisma.

      • detritus says:

        Here is Cordelia’s take,
        6 minute mark she talks about their relationship and getting pregnant and getting killed off. Remember all of this needs to be couched in how much she likes him so she can keep working.

    • Bridget says:

      There’s a rumor that Cordelia was always supposed to die at the end of that season, but what her pregnancy changed was the fact that she and Angel were supposed to show down and she had to be sacrificed (a la the Buffy arc, just reversed). But where they really screwed up was in how they treated her. Whedon was pissed that he had to change his storyline to accommodate her pregnancy, and he let that affect how he treated his actor. She deserved better.

      But I’ve never been one to hold Joss Whedon up as the paragon of feminist storytelling, and I’m also uncomfortable using the lens of today to pick apart the flaws with a show that is 20 years old (BtVS) and hasn’t always aged well. Because yes, there are flaws. Whedon isn’t the best, he was simply one of the only ones at the time.

    • Shazza says:

      Yeah, I HATED what he did with Kendra too. How does someone raised to be a Slayer her whole life die so quickly and stupidly? Upon hearing this news, makes me wonder if Bianca Lawson turned him down for a date or something.

  2. Sixer says:

    Colour me shocked. Said no-one, ever.

    • detritus says:

      I was a tiny bit shocked because I believe people’s words and sometimes forget to check their actions. I am sometimes a rube.

      • Ms. Blake says:

        Detritus, you are not a rube. You are a kind person who wants to believe in the best part of people. Don’t give up and keep that optimism going as we need that positive energy floating around (now, more than ever).

      • Elaine says:

        Me too @detritus 🙁 I can’t believe I fall for it every time. Seriously, I’m like home, in front of my computer actually saying the words “He cheated on his wife! No!” Lol.

    • Jellybean says:

      I have said countless times that just because a celebrity presents themselves well, knows all the current issues of concern and always says the right thing, it doesn’t mean they are a good person. I like the ones who say what they think and sometimes mess up. It made be so angry when Bradley Cooper played the hero on the subject of equal pay, when he was a producer on the very film that put the topic on the front pages, due to the pay and treatment of the female stars. Nobody questioned him, because he said what they wanted to hear.

      • Jellybean says:

        Rant over! I don’t want to be a hypocrite, so to be fair, I think Whedon’s infidelity is f**k all to do with me. Unless the cheater is a priest or a politician who explicitly campaigns on family values or attacks single mothers etc. then I don’t care what goes on between couples. I certainly don’t want to read the ‘details’ as presented by one side – why should I believe what they say and why should I care?

      • Sixer says:

        No, I know what you mean. Virtue signalling is an overused term I prefer to avoid but if someone puts out this pristine, smooth, virtue signalling persona, they’re likely really an arse.

        I too prefer the openly imperfect but trying.

      • detritus says:

        It’s like the too charming suitor. Rings all my alarm bells. Not sure why that hasn’t translated to public figures in my head, because the same behaviours would carry over. It’s that old and true adage, if too good to be true, it probably is.

  3. Nicole says:

    I’m going to go with the fact that he blamed the beauty of being around so many women for his “need” to cheat disqualifies him as a feminist.

    But again a lot of us KNEW he wasn’t a real feminist ages ago.

    • GiBee says:

      As well, though obviously we don’t know the specifics, a lot of men who cheat decide to go all in on their idiocy and do so unprotected. If a man has unsafe sex, then has sex with his wife, you can damn well say he’s taking control of her body. Potentially exposing someone without their knowledge to STIs is about as anti-feminist as can be.

  4. Nev says:

    I hope she finds inner and outer happiness!!!!!!

    • Lady D says:

      I hope she can find some peace, too. Evil bullshitting mofo husband. It’s my DNA I can’t help myself, it’s how men are supposed to respond around women. I just have to.

    • Pandy says:

      Me too. Cheating does a number on you. Especially cheating coming from a “righteous” prick.

  5. Goats on the Roof says:

    I haven’t bought what Joss is selling for a long, long time so I have no trouble believing this.

    • Cbould says:

      What about his response to Kai’s blog? You buying this:

      Editor’s Note: A spokesperson for Joss Whedon provided the following response, “While this
      account includes inaccuracies and misrepresentations which can be harmful to their family,
      Joss is not commenting, out of concern for his children and out of respect for his ex-wife.”

      Helluva way to both call his ex a liar while also shaming her for telling her story. You can smell the indignity wafting from his camp, right? It’s a classic bro move. Giving a woman shit when she doesn’t do what the bro wants.

      • jetlagged says:

        I am most definitely not buying that statement, in fact I’m holding it against him. All that concern and respect didn’t do much to stop him from being a total a$$ for what sounds many years, but suddenly now he’s worried about doing harm to his family. Sure. Whatever.

      • sendepause says:

        Also very feminist of him to elegantly shift the blame for his cheating onto the young “needy” and “aggressive” women on set. Because of course a poor man can´t help himself when all the women (he has power over) are just throwing themselves at him. A man´s life is just hard like that. Poor Joss. Weewee.

      • still_sarah says:

        So he’s calling her a liar (“inaccuracies and misrepresentation”) but then “not commenting …. out of concern for his children (way to drag them into it, Joss!) and out of respect for his ex-wife” (not really calling her a liar)?

        Call me crazy but he doesn’t sound very respectful to his ex-wife IMO.

        Nice try, Joss.

  6. QueenB says:

    A male feminist exposed as an abuser? Thats a huuuuge plot twist. Always beware of these types.

    • the_blonde_one says:

      I have always run on the assumption that any male that proclaims himself ‘feminist’ is looking to get laid (until I am proven incorrect). It’s the new ‘nice guy’.

      • Silent Star says:

        Yikes…madly googling my favourite male feminist, Jackson Katz, in hopes that there aren’t any lewd scandals recently uncovered about him.

        …*Whew*, I think he still walks the talk. I sure hope I’m right. We do need genuine male feminists, and I do believe they are out there.


      Yup. I find “sex positive” male feminists especially suspect.

      • QueenB says:

        Oh thats a whole new level. They are even worse.

      • detritus says:

        I always think of Hugo Schwyzer. He creeped me out from the beginning and then it turns out this feminist scholar is cheating on his wife with his grad students and using his power to recruit more grads.

      • GiBee says:

        SNL had a great skit about that this season.

        Honestly, the loveliest, most female positive men I know have NEVER found the need to try to man-splain their feminism to me. They simply – and this is crazy, I know – just treat people well without demanding a pat on the back for it.

        You know a guy is going to be a self-righteous dick when he oh-so-casually tries to drop all his feminist credentials into a conversation. You want a cookie or something, dude?

    • Nic919 says:

      Jian Ghomeshi is the perfect example.

  7. Shijel says:

    Joss Whedon a fake feminist, what else is new? His ‘strong female characters’ have always been the women he would want to f-ck. He’s not funny, never has been, and he is gross. He sounds like a typical predator, a man who sees women like a dog sees a steak, and instead of taking a step back and thinking about whether any of this is appropriate, he sinks his teeth in instead. Once busted, his excuse was “I couldn’t help it!”

    He’s the one women laugh at: the one that claims to be feminist just to worm himself closer to women he wants to sleep with. Liar and a douche. Yuck.

    Hope Kai can heal, I have only a vague idea of how messed up it must’ve been, to be used like this and lied to like this.

  8. ArchieGoodwin says:

    I bought what he was selling! I had no idea about any of this 🙁 How disappointing, to say the least.

    Firefly is top 5 favourites, ever.

  9. JackieJormpJomp says:

    I have ZERO opinions of Joss Whedon and have never watched his stuff….but MY WORD. The things she tells are just so private. It does not feel right for her to offer them up for public consumption… this isn’t letting people know what he is “really like.” This isn’t blowing the lid off fakery for any greater purpose. This is leaking select quotes from private confessions made to you as a spouse (arguably the most private relationship there is) and it just feels so wrong to see them laid out as fodder like this.

    This is a relationship issue to tell your sisters, your friends, your therapist…not a tabloid. I’m disgusted someone would do this.

    • ArchieGoodwin says:

      Yet not disgusted at what HE did?

      • JackieJormpJomp says:

        I don’t know. He cheated. Frankly, that happens to a lot of couples, wives and husbands, and it wouldn’t necessarily negate any feminist positions he has taken. And, really, if it was kept private it’s not my damn business.

        If Husband and I have problems, we hash them out. I don’t excerpt quotes from an intimate email/letter he wrote trying to explain his actions and blast them over facebook, or whatever. That’s insane.

      • LAK says:

        What JackieJormpJomp said.

        This type of behaviour is akin to that lady hiring a crop plane to fly a banner reading ‘cheater’ above a hollywood ceremony honouring her ex. Gave the rest of us much hilarity, but in reality not our business.

      • magnoliarose says:

        @JackieJormpJomp and LAK

        I am with you both on this. Why should I believe her and why is she telling private details of their relationship? It feels like a smear campaign. There are children involved.

      • sendepause says:

        The problem is not just the cheating, though. He also kept it secret from her, so that she were’t able to make choices about her own life that were informed by reality.
        Shouldn’t one’s partner be someone one can trust? Shouldn’t a marriage be a safe space? That is some seriously abusive shit that Whedon pulled on his wife, her telling about it is not even close to his level.
        Also: As abuse survivor I’ve learned the hard way that silence only protects the abuser.

      • Lady D says:

        +1, sendepause.

      • magnoliarose says:

        I am very glad you survived. Abuse is never ok.

        I am not arguing if he is a good person or a bad person. Clearly, something bad happened and I can believe he was a terrible husband. Cheating isn’t abuse though so we should be careful making that leap because it is a serious accusation. It is horrible behavior and disrespectful but abuse is strong. She should speak but I think privately with a therapist.

        Smearing is a real thing and I have seen it destroy people. So I am reluctant when someone says something so damaging publicly. It is the public part I disagree with.

      • bluhare says:

        sendepause, if cheating is abuse, then 50% of the married population are abusers. People cheat all the time. Sometimes it means something; sometimes it doesn’t. Your partner should be someone you can trust. Marriage should be a safe space.
        The point is it should be between the partners, and she blasted it on the internet.

        Where it is other people’s business is at work. If he was hitting on people over whom he had power, then that is sexual harassment. And *that* is the public issue if there is one.

        In my opinion, of course.

      • otaku fairy says:

        Usually I’m firmly on team “It’s ethically questionable (at best) to make private sexual information of another person public without their consent”- especially when it has to do with people being gay, bisexual, women, or sex workers,etc. But a situation like this seems like more of a gray area, not only because Joss Whedon isn’t a part of a group of people that faces harassment, discrimination, and violence from society for his sexuality, but because in this case someone was mistreated and put at risk through his deception about his sexual decisions. It’s not hard to believe that he did it though.

    • V4Real says:

      I don’t think much about Joss and like the article says you can cheat on your spouse and still be a feminist. Women feminist cheats just as well. But to me this article sounds like a woman scorned and she’s talking just to get back at Joss because she was wronged. Two wrongs doesn’t make a right.

      • detritus says:

        I’m sure there is a lot of that too, but if you add the layer of what he said about young agressive women, and the way he talks about his conquests, its more than he cheated. He cheated with lots of young women he most certainly had significant power over.

        And he removed choice from his wife, the woman he should be most concerned about treating well, by gaslighting her and denying.

        He’s presenting as a male feminist, but he’s just using those cookies he gets to expand his creepy reach and shield himself from criticism.

        I think she partially views this as a public service.

      • A says:

        Most people who cheat haven’t made a whole career out of being the “caring sensitive feminist man” who champions women’s interests in their work and career though.

        Joss Whedon based a whole lot of his work on this idea that he sincerely cared about women, their experiences, their lives and their emotions. He made a lot of money off this image of him being the one man in Hollywood or show business or what have you who would prioritize women’s stories and valued their complexity. How well he did that is up for dispute, but the fact remains that he built his career out of getting the women who consume his media and watch his shows to trust him on being able to tell the stories they wanted to see.

        That’s why this has pissed people off. To know that, behind the scenes, for all these years, the one man who made such a big show out of being so much in solidarity with women has basically just wound up being the same as a lot of other men is the story here. This is as much about their personal lives as it is about the narrative Joss Whedon created for himself as this guy who women could trust. A narrative and an image that he continues to make money from (he’s directing Batgirl and finishing up Justice League and he wrote the first draft of the Wonder Woman script). He’s made bank off of this, and now it turns out that it was all a sham. No wonder people are angry.

      • Millenial says:

        Disagree. As she alluded, he potentially exposed her to god-knows-what sexually for over a decade. A feminist might cheat, but would respect the other person enough to end the relationship. Toying with someone’s emotions and health for that long… it’s just so, so gross.

        Honestly, if she wants to scream it from the rooftops, I’ll hand her a megaphone. That man stole over a decade of her life from her.

    • LAK says:

      I have strong opinions about Whedon, but i felt the same as you regarding her essay. This is personal beef that is nought to do with the public. He is equally damned if he answers her or doesn’t answer her because her very personal j’accuse essay has been taken as gospel truth and any public response damns him.

      ETA: what V4Real said.

      • virginfangirl2 says:

        I felt this same way as well.

      • Liberty says:

        Hm. I view it as a verbal caution tape or red flag for any actresses thinking of working with him, and a supportive shout on behalf of those whose careers or lives or heads he may have Fkd with….allegedly. I think there is a sort of public service side to her tale.

        These fake feminist guys are a dime a dozen. But the top ones can screw with women’s lives, from what I’ve seen. Not sure why we can march in streets for generalities, but a Hollywood victim should keep her mouth shut.

      • G says:

        Totally agree. I don’t have any particular opinion on Whedon, and I can’t stand men who spend more time talking about how they’re feminists than actually living those supposed beliefs.

        But I also feel quite strongly that we should not automatically believe every word of what amounts to a personal essay from someone who is presumably not on friendly terms with the subject. Some of the comments here are quoting the ex-wife’s report of Whedon’s words, as though we had heard those words come from Whedon himself. Come on! Let’s all use a little critical thinking here. It’s not a fact-or-fiction game.

    • littlemissnaughty says:

      Honestly, that was my very first reaction. But really, why would I judge her? He’s the one who cheated. He’s the asshole. He brought this on himself and if this is what it takes for her to move on, I say good for her. And if someone’s true self is so far removed from the public image he created (and is so proud of), I think it’s only fair to let people know. It also helps the women he works with. Now they know what they’re getting into and they know they’re not the only ones who might feel pressured to get into his bed (we really don’t know but it stands to reason that a man with this much power in Hollywood has used that power, maybe not even knowingly).

      • JackieJormpJomp says:

        I don’t know..this is equivalent to my husband cheating on me and my sending a scathing, tea-spilling email to all his friends AND clients just so they could know they were “dealing with a cheater” which…frankly would have NO bearing on his professional performance making it inappropriate, I feel…

        I’m willing to be debated on this, but it does not seem an appropriate wielding of power to me.

      • Nicole says:

        I normally wouldn’t agree but we know how Hollywood works. A lot of directors use their influence to sleep with young starlets. Not saying he does but the possibility is there

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        If your husband created a public (or as public as he can) image of being a good guy, a feminist, a fighter for women? If he then admitted to cheating on you for your entire marriage? I would say he’s not only cheated on you but lied to everyone else. It is my personal opinion that when your purposely crafted image has very little to do with who you really are, people should know. But yeah, that’s only my personal opinion.

        But you mention power. I think this is probably the ONLY time his ex had any power. She was being deceived by a “good guy” for over a decade and never had a chance to make certain choices. He will be fine. He won’t lose any of his power and he’ll most likely get the chance to talk himself out of it. But again, maybe the women he encounters will at least have a chance of making informed decisions. We can always argue that they all knew he was married. True. But I always get uncomfortable with powerful men in Hollywood sleeping with everything that moves. It is hard to believe that power doesn’t factor into it.

        Also, I like knowing where I spend my money. I like voting with my wallet. And I won’t support assholes if I can help it.

      • JackieJormpJomp says:

        I understand the desire and motivation. I do.
        But let’s use Mr. JormpJomp as an example again. He is a feminist. He’s talks the talk and walks it too. If he cheated on me, it wouldn’t be because he hates women. It would be because of any of the myriad other reasons any person cheats. And maybe because he’s a jerk. But not because he’s a misogynist.

        He happens to work on a committee at his workplace that ensures diverse staffing and maintenance of a comfortable workplace for any potential minorities, including women. If I blasted an email like that to his colleagues, it would be disingenuous and unfair.

        I can’t wrap my head around that being okay…

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        I feel like we’re not talking about the same issue here. First of all, Joss Whedon doesn’t necessarily hate women. He has specifically crafted his public image around being a feminist. That’s different. Your husband may be a feminist but that’s not something he advertises to move ahead in his job, is it?

        Let’s take another example. Let’s say Angelina Jolie, who’s reinvented herself as some sort of earth mother, is revealed by Brad Pitt to be a terrible mother to her own children. Her being a mother is a massive part of her public image. Should he keep his mouth shut because that is private? Or does that negate her credibility? Would you not care next time she surrounds herself with refugee children?

        There is a difference between you, me, and celebrities who use these things for professional gain. He not only lied to his wife, he used her to prove to everyone he’s a “good guy”. Would you let your husband continue to point to you and your marriage after he cheated? To prove he’s a good guy? If so, you’re a better person than I am.

      • bluhare says:

        Jackie, for what it’s worth, I totally understand where you’re coming from and I agree.

      • Liberty says:

        Nope, because your Mr Jomp jomp would not, as far as I can tell I your comment, be cheating with women he had power over who report to him, or hammering their careers if they refused to play.

        The difference between complaining he cheated on Kia w the nanny or aneighbor, and cheating from his position of power while saying he got away with it and was driven BY power (per her remarks in her essay) is extremely well-defined. There is no comparison, it crosses into power abuse and workplace abuse if true.

        MrJJ Is not a misogynist and many cheaters are not — they may be romantics, opportunists, players, etc.

        But saying “my husband one, isn’t so this guy isn’t” is a strangely feel-good attempt at an argument to defend yet another Hollywood jerk who treats women like crap — the one breed we won’t march against, apparently?

    • Luca76 says:

      Quite honestly I find the fact that a mother would expose the details of her marriage really cruel to her children . This is something she should share with her therapist not the entire world. I also don’t think this has anything to do with his legacy. Whether or not her account is factual these aren’t allegations of rape or abuse these are allegations of cheating which while morally reprehensible is something many marriages deal with.

      • Mannori says:

        I agree with some points about privacy and their children well being, but if this douche is still getting praise and awards for being a feminist I understand why someone who knows he’s pulling a hypocrite double face would feel the need of out him.
        But for me it was enough to read his script for his version of Wonder Woman that I’m so grateful it never happened: so mediocre, clicheed and misogynist that I’m worried about Justice League and I’m praying for his Batgirl will never truly happen.

      • magnoliarose says:

        Yeah I am not onboard for this type of thing. Who needed to know what she thinks? Work it out privately.

      • Jobo says:

        I feel the same way about Diana.

    • Kimble says:

      My ex husband did the same to me. Difference is, I have never shared anything that I found out about him. I now watch as he does exactly the same thing to the woman he’s with now (with whom he was cheating during the death throes of our marriage). He’ll never change and I’ll never tell …

      • graymatters says:

        Your ex’s new wife had first-hand knowledge that he was willing to cheat, though. If none of Whedon’s paramours tell anyone that they bonked their married director, no one else would know. He would then be free to romance and betray another woman.

    • Anatha A says:

      I have to disagree here. Cheating on her for 16 years, gaslighting her, lying to her, destroying her mentally and emotionally is akind to abusing and beating her for 16 years. She has every right to speak up about the way she was abused by her husband. This woman says she has PTSD, because of the way her husband treated her.
      We treat too lightly with cheaters and say it is none of our business, while not giving a second thought to the pain they have caused.
      There’s only one person to blame here and that is Joss Whedon. He misused the love of his wife and the power as a producer in Hollywood to abuse women. One of them speaks up and all I can do is applaud here for being that honest and open.

      • Bridget says:

        No. That is not akin to beating her, not even close. He cheated for years and lied about it. It’s disrespectful to make that comparison.

      • Anatha A says:

        Why is it different? This woman got systematically hurt, gaslighted, lied to and destroyed by him for years? She asked him early on and he denied it, continued to gaslight her and that left her shattetered. She suffered PTSD from it. Why is it not even close?
        That wasn’t a one time misstep by him. It was continuous with using her as an umbrella and afterwards he blamed the other woman for it. It’s been 16 years, not one night late at work after too many drinks.

      • Embee says:

        I agree with your point very strongly. While I do also believe that one’s dirty laundry is best kept private for the “good of the family” and perhaps even society generally (in the sense that public declarations cause people to have to choose sides, and that’s not healthy) I feel that this generally comes at a great cost to the aggrieved party! For 15 years this woman ate shit (whilst he told her “look it’s yummy chocolate”) and she needs to purge.

        She needs to get those 15 years of betrayal out of her body and her heart and her mind so that she can heal. Part of her injuries stem from the secrets, and she understandably feels the need to be free from them. It is a double bind: the secrets hurt her, and now she must keep the secrets for the good of the family?! No wonder she has PTSD: she’s emotionally trapped if she “does the right thing” and if she airs the secrets then she’s the bad guy. Ugh.

        I’m no prude or naive to the fact that affairs have and will happen. I just don’t know why the non-cheating spouse must continue to pay the price for the cheating. We all know that in a couple of years barely anyone will remark about the reason for the break-up, so why not allow the discomfort and embarrassment lay (temporarily) with the party who betrayed the relationship?

      • lala says:

        I was with a man who was both narcissistic and was a sociopath (i’m not exaggerating here like when most people use these terms, he was the real deal). It was such a traumatic and mentally/emotionally (gas lighting, triangulation etc) abusive situation that when i finally walked away and cut him out, i would likely have told anyone who mentioned his name who he truly was because these kinds of people are really really good at putting up a charming facade that only crumbles when you’re in too deep. If he was like this with her, I feel for her because it really messes with you 🙁
        it’s even worse when they are successful and you have to watch their success knowing how many people they have destroyed, including yourself.

      • Dee Kay says:

        A friend of mine was gaslighted in just this way for at least 15 years by her husband. Being lied to — having your entire world turn out to be a lie — is incredibly, severely damaging. Especially when there are children involved. ITA that (ex-)spouses of mentally, emotionally abusive people really need to speak out about that. I really hope that if more women (I know it happens to men, too, but because of socioeconomic patriarchy, the victims here are mostly women) speak out about this happening to them, that younger women will get the message and look more closely at the men they are with, who seem to be giving them the Prince Charming fairy tale but are actually poisoning them with deceit.

    • ash says:

      im there with you….. i was like home girl move forward and dont hash it out publicly…..yal have kids man.

    • Shambles says:

      She was diagnosed with PTSD, for Christ’s sake. This is not a woman scorned who’s trying to exact revenge. This is a woman who’s entire reality was pulled out from under her in an instant, and that obviously caused her severe trauma. If she feels like talking about it will help her heal from this, more power to her.

      • LAK says:

        No one is saying she shouldn’t talk about it. That’s what friends, family and therapists are for. Not media.

      • Luca76 says:

        I’m sorry for her if she has PTSD but I still don’t find it appropriate. I’d be very curious to find out how those kids are affected by this information being out there I’m going to guess (from my own experience not even a fraction as public ) that they are traumatized right now

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        Oh but Shambles, don’t you know that this is “improper”? This raging jealous woman should be NICE about this and keep her mouth shut, according to a lot of commenters here. I’m fuming, to be honest. I loathe the “oh but this is private” argument. She should not be forced to be the keeper of his f*cked up secrets just because some ridiculous societal norm dictates it. Because above all, women should be proper and nice.

        He brought this on himself. He cheated. Not once. Not twice. He cheated and had affairs with what I would assume were often – for all intents and purposes – subordinates in the workplace. He. Brought. This. On. Himself.

      • magnoliarose says:

        They have children so there is nothing to warrant having their parent’s dirt all over the internet for the entire world to know. Who is she protecting? Ingenues? Are they more important than her children? I am sorry she has problems but we all do and we keep some things to ourselves. If he was a rapist or murderer or physically violent I would understand but this is unnecessary.

      • LAK says:

        Littlemissnaughty: i don’t care for the gender of the person washing their linen in public. If this was Whedon writing publicly about his wife, i would say the same thing.

        Also, what Magnoliarose said.

      • sunnydaze says:

        This is NOT me agreeing or disagreeing with what was said. It sounds like a horrible situation all the way around, and I feel so deeply for this woman. My only question (and I’m NOT questioning what happened) is saying she was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. While it certainly should (in my opinion) be a clinical diagnosis, it is not, per the DSM-5. There’s a ton of controversy about why it wasn’t included (total horsh!t in my opinion), but in terms of clinical diagnostics, Complex PTSD is not a code. What people often code this under is “disorders of extreme stress, not otherwise specified” and typically pertain to people who have suffered severe repetitive trauma such as childhood sexual/physical abuse, human trafficking victims, POWs…basically C-PTSD is when a PTSD dx just doesn’t cut it. There’s a preoccupation with suicide, self-destructive behaviors, symptoms that often look like Borderline Personality Disorder (in my experience, and in a perfect world, I believe many – not all – people with BPD are actually suffering from C-PTSD, but because it’s not a legitimate dx they are often assigned the much more stigmatized version, BPD.) In short, people who *should* have a C-PTSD dx have sustained prolonged, brutal traumas, and it has completely warped their ability to function.

        The reason I’m going in on this dx is if her therapist stated she felt Kai was suffering from C-PTSD a) she can’t code for it, diagnostically it doesn’t exist, but more importantly b) what this woman went through to get that kind of opinion had to be unfathomable. Unspeakable. I know several therapist who will code for the DESNOS version, but tell clients “what you have is complex trauma”. I think it’s important for the public to know there is this controversy and any time they’re able, advocate for inclusion. PTSD is an extremely common disorder to be diagnosed with, but C-PTSD is an entirely different animal. What gives this story more weight is her admission of this condition, because if that’s the case the situation is far worse than being portrayed here. I included a few links for people who are interested – this issue needs much more recognition and understanding. Christine Courtois is an amazing resource, and really breaks it down:

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        LAK, I was responding to Shambles. But I do think that women in particular get the “washing their linen in public” thing thrown at them. Remember Sandra Bullock and the praise she received for taking the high road? That was painful. I don’t see any dignity in letting someone walk all over you. But that’s just me.

      • Shambles says:

        Sorry, I completely disagree with all of you. I think it’s really gross that we’re going to these lengths to make this HER issue, when it seems she was emotionally manipulated & mentally abused by someone who claimed to love her and be her partner in life. If she wants to write “Joss Whedon is a cheating asshole” in the sky, I have no isssue with that. Oh, but she’s the mother, so she should be silent and demure about it. These children you guys are so concerned about also have a father, and maybe he’s the one who shouldn’t be f*cking everything that walks and gaslighting their mother?

      • Chinoiserie says:

        I believe she had a right to tell this publicaly. However she also has to face the consequences of this decison by some not belivinh what she says and others calling her bit classless by airing it in public. Hopefully talling this will help her move on but in general this will probably harm their family life with arranging the kids patentin and we do not have ho belive what is said about public figures as true in general. Its sounds right but if someone does not belive her I do not blame the person giving him benefit of the doupt when there is no evidence beyond her word. He was not doing anything criminal so he does not have ho suffer career wise.

        So she is not a horrible person doing this or anything, I might really do the same if I was in the same position. But it can still be the wrong decision.

      • ash says:

        key word is public…. public @shambles

      • nicegirl says:

        I am ok with hearing Kai’s story from her.

      • Lady D says:

        Perhaps she sees this as a public service warning, she got freaking PTSD from his treatment, after all.

      • magnoliarose says:

        No one is telling her to be quiet and demure. Going public does not equal strength, it just means the world knows your issues. There are women all over the world who show strength without using social media to get their side out. We survived before the internet and showed courage in our lives without an audience or strangers in our private affairs. It is the public part that I disagree with not her feelings or her experiences.
        Yes, she is a mother and that is a consideration. They are now part of it against their will. Being a parent means making choices that consider the well being of your children many times before your own. No one said parenting was easy or fair.

      • bluhare says:

        No one said she should be nice, littlemissnaughty. She should be pissed as hell, upset as all get out and everything else. But that was THEIR relationship, not ours.

        His work proclivities are what raise my eyebrows.

      • Imqrious2 says:

        Have to disagree. This douche USED HIS POSITION TO SEXUALLY CONQUER “young, needy” actresses. HIS WORDS. That is someone who IS abusive and most DEFINITELY needs outting in my opinion.

      • ArchieGoodwin says:

        I agree. We often talk about how important it is for people to speak out, because it helps others know they are not alone. It helps others know they can face it, deal with it and come out the other side.

        Talking to friends, therapists, doesn’t do that for the woman who is alone, and doesn’t think she can cope. She might read this (or he might) and realize she has power left in her.

        Just the other day people were applauding Demi Lovato for speaking out about her mental health issues. PTSD is a mental health issue, and this woman is speaking out. Stop telling her she’s wrong, and listen to her message.

      • QueenB says:

        “Remember Sandra Bullock and the praise she received for taking the high road?”
        I dont think thats comparable. The cheating got exposed and her ex got crap for that. So staying “classy” and not saying anything was a good choice imo. You always have the danger of going to far or revealing too much. Its also a valid choice not to want more privacy invasion after someone else cheated on you. Also Bullock is a huge star herself. So that alone makes the situation different. She had the power, in this scenario its Joss.
        With Joss it was a secret and his wife had to watch him get lauded as the most female friendly dude in all of history.

    • Natalie S says:

      It’s her life and her experiences. I hate that propriety says she has to essentially cover for him while he misrepresents himself publically while also being in a position of power over the women who work with him.

      And because infidelity is so common, his behavior is shrugged off and she’s called out instead for, I guess, snitching? He brought this on himself through his very public lies.

      • Luca76 says:

        No it’s not ‘proprietary’ it’s f-ing consideration for her children. Honestly I have PTSD and was treated for it specifically because of how my mother over shared details of my parents and expected us to choose sides when were kids. It can be mentally abusive to air the details.

      • Natalie S says:

        It absolutely can be and I’m sorry you were made to experience that.

        I think cases like Joss Whedon’s, where he holds so much influence and control over others are exceptions seeing as he’s misrepresenting himself as an ally to women. If he can gaslight his own wife for so many decades, he can easily do the same to women who mean nothing to him. I hope their children have had the support they need.

      • Miss Melissa says:

        It’s fair warning to the public for his predatory behavior in the workplace.

        She doesn’t owe him anything. But now the booty factory is closed to him because she’s outed his “production” style.

        As a woman who works in another area of the entertainment industry, I would appreciate the heads up about a so-called “nice guy producer/director/writer.”

    • Sojaschnitzel says:

      I found it disturbingly private too. I mean, he is a public figure, sure, and I understand that she needs to let some steam off, but I still think it’s not something that belongs into the tabloids.

  10. Giulia says:

    Not at all surprised. I just wish this crap was private – i can’t stand tattletale exes, of either sex and for whatever reason. STFU and work your sh(t out privately.

    • Cbould says:

      Yeah, I understand the skeeviness of sharing relationship details…but, he has been using his public identity as a “feminist” for awhile. It’s been part of his image & personal brand. Why shouldn’t she point out that this image is a facade? And why should he get to keep playing everyone? I’m glad she shared these details. He’ll prob. still be a predator. His days as a guru predator are (hopefully) over. Thanks for the heads up, Kai ❤️.

    • Anatha A says:

      Joss Whedon used her private life to tell everyone that he is a good feminist. He pointed at her and said that he was a good husband to her and so he was feminist. That is a big selling point for his career. She says how he used that image to lure in young girls and to deceive the public.
      In this specific case she has every right to set the recoord straight and say that her private life never was what he claims it was.

    • QueenB says:

      You cant call out abusers without making something private public. There is abuse in a profesional setting but most of it happens in private with people close to you.

      • detritus says:


        There were grumblings about how it wasn’t feminist to NOT support Chrissy Teigen’s woe is me, I’m super thin and beautiful but not the MOST beautifulest and thinnest, navel gazing nonsense. Because all pain is equal etc.

        Yet here is a woman who had her life upended, who was treated poorly for over a decade by a supposed bastion of feminism, and she’s being pilloried because she drew back the curtain.

        We can have empathy for Teigen and her tiny butt sads, but not for this woman who was gaslit, used for her gender, and mistreated. Does Kai need to be a model to get empathy here?

      • detritus says:

        Nope, no one should pile on anyone for one.
        And for two its still very different situations, but this one portion is the same. The part where some people are like nope, don’t share your pain.

        At least in this case Kai isn’t speaking from a position of privilege.

      • Cbould says:

        Totally agree, Detritus. Can’t all us cisgendered & transgendered women support each other? Haven’t we all faced harassment at some point?! IT’S NOT HER (or our) FAULT that’s he a mysogenistic asshat. She has every right to talk her own life any day of the week. And if her life included his asshattery, then so be it. She still gets to talk about it. All the time. Never again. It’s up to her. We don’t need to keep accepting blame for the harassment, ignorance & poor manners of men.

  11. grabbyhands says:

    Yikes. That he has was a hypocrite has been common knowledge for a while, but I didn’t realize he was quite this much of a dick.

  12. littlemissnaughty says:

    Well, nobody will remember this or care once Batgirl comes out and he gets the opportunity to do the Justin Bieber Tour of Remorse and Repentance.

    I’m convinced there is not one major male player in Hollywood who’s really a feminist. Power corrupts everyone in that cesspool it seems. If Mark Ruffalo is outed as a douchebag next (I choose to give him another chance after his unfortunate word salad a few months ago), I’m done.

  13. fire walk with me says:

    He was always problematic. Xander is his alter ego and he is awfully slutshaming Buffy for falling in love with another guy and wants to decide who she should date. Season 6 and 7 are so sexist with the whole Buffy is at fault for not liking Spike despite sleeping with him. Awful.

    Also Amy Acker aka Fred on “Angel” was his favourite and supposedly Willow-actress.

    He also totally fetishizes skinny tiny women and there were very young when cast on his shows. Total abuse of power.

    • Mannori says:

      I don’t know if he likes them young (I guess all creeps in Hollywood do…ew…) but I’m fearing now for my fave Robin Wright: Joss called her back specifically for some extensive reshoots for Justice league which is weird. She’s her type, physically, but being a 50 years old woman I hope he didn’t have any other intentions. But I think Robin can handle him. I mean…she’s Claire Underwood after all. I hope he’d feel intimidated enough to not try to.

      • detritus says:

        Robin Wright is not his type at all, I think she’ll be A OK.
        He likes tiny, slender, emotionally fragile and damaged.

  14. Mannori says:

    show me one ONE woman who’d be genuinely attracted to this dude? I mean I want to know what was the exchange here. He says these women offered to him once he became a powerful producer so he’s admitting those women wanted something from him, not because he’s this Adonis…I mean look at him. So who did his casting couch for a role here?

  15. Wren33 says:

    Dudes, if you want an open marriage, just have one. 15 years of deceit is the real issue here. That said, I am going to reserve my outrage for someone who is truly heinous, not normal-level cheats on his wife. The confessions that she shared seem extremely self-aware, but frustrating in that he can clearly see everything he did wrong and what drives him, but still does it anyway. Just reminds me of some assholes I dated in college.

    • littlemissnaughty says:

      Okay but that’s a VERY low bar for outrage, isn’t it? He seems like a nasty piece of work as a man.

    • Chinoiserie says:

      Finding a person willing to be in open marriage is not easy and making it work is harder still. Some people should not marry.

      • HK9 says:

        Yes-and that means don’t live with anyone & have kids with them either, it’s not just about the ring. If you’re not willing to commit on the level necessary to make it really work then leave it alone. I really wish some people were more self aware.

  16. HelloSunshine says:

    Ugh this makes me so upset for her. Imagine giving your all to someone for almost 20 years, dealing with crazy schedules for filming, raising your kids by yourself for months at a time.. and your husband is off having multiple affairs and putting your health st risk by not being truthful with you. I hope she finds happiness and, if she wants, someone who actually loves her and cares about her.

  17. Mikajoe says:

    This f@rtface always gave me the creepy vibe, now I know why.

  18. Mikajoe says:

    And good on her for exposing this fake ass snake. Dudes always gets away with it

  19. Incredulous says:

    “My mother raised me as a feminist” is a big red flag for me, you can practically taste the fedora.

  20. Miles says:

    I don’t even know what the point of this was. Everyone knows Joss isn’t a “real” feminist. Everyone knows he isn’t exactly a good guy. Does she expect Hollywood to blackmail him or something because he’s a serial cheater and isn’t a real feminist?

    And if we are being blunt about it, the general audience who watches his movies and TV shows aren’t going to ever find out about this. Why? Because he isn’t some hot shot actor or actress where their personal business is out in the public for people to judge. And even then it’s very very rare for general audiences to care about an actor or actress’s personal business. Which again brings me to my first question, does she expect Hollywood to blackmail him or something because the only folks who are going to pay attention to this are the gossip folks and Hollywood.

    • Cbould says:

      You’re right, his work speaks for itself. But, he did have a big fan base of nerdy women who soooo wanted to believe.

      Great article form that perspective:

      In her second paragraph, she talks about why a lot of us wanted to believe in Joss. But I think her last paragraph is why this controversy matters:

      “If you want to improve the social condition by adjusting the way you write women, start with agency. Empower us, make us the hero of our own story. Defer to our authority and our perspective. Make us sympathetic. Empathize with us. Give us the benefit of a doubt. Write women who are vulnerable and weak but still bravely pursue their motivations and endeavors. Write a woman who cries and is scared but still saves the day. Write a woman who is angry and imperfect but has a heart of gold. Write a woman you don’t want to fuck—not because she has traits you find unfuckable, but because you respect her enough to not even think about if she is or not. Write a woman who would want nothing to do with you. And above all, show that you value women enough to value them in any of their forms—even the ones you’ve been conditioned to use as justification to withhold your respect. Value them on their own terms, and not yours. Until you can do that, the work is not yet done.”

  21. Tulsi 202I0 says:

    Sanctimonious douche. I know the type. I can’t wait to say ‘nice virtue signal’ next time they do it.

  22. FishBeard says:

    Being a cheater doesn’t negate your feminism IMO. Why make these things public? Unless he was abusive towards his wife, it’s no one’s business what happened throughout their marriage. Really nice for their kids as well.

    • QueenB says:

      If you lie to your partner for over a decade and when they call you out on it you deny and deflect blame thats gaslighting.

      • LAK says:

        Gaslighting doesn’t negate you being a feminist.

        Feminists are not utopian perfect beings who never wrong others.

      • QueenB says:

        Not being perfect is something totally different. And yes feminists have to be better than the average person otherwise the movement would be kind of silly if you just have to call yourself one and never really act differently from the status quo.

        I mean if you actively abuse a woman then no you are not a feminist. And there is no debate over that. I cant believe I just had to write this.

      • FishBeard says:

        I’m referring to abuse, not merely allegations of affairs from one side. Personally, I don’t trust the word of someone who would expose this for their kids to see everywhere, especially since she’s attempting to expose his feminist efforts as flawed.

      • LAK says:

        QueenB: See this is exactly why she shouldn’t have put this in the public arena.

        You’ve translated her essay about cheating to he is a definite abuser who abused her.

        Feminists are humanbeings and it’s ridiculous to insist they be, and live, utopian perfection outside the human experience.

        Nobody on this earth is perfect or utopian perfect. Nobody. We all do our best and that’s all everyone can hope for.

        And you know what? People cheat. For any number of reasons. It’s horrible to cheat and it’s horrible to be cheated on, but that doesn’t make the cheater an abuser nor does it mean the person cheated on is a victim or an abuse victim.

      • Bridget says:

        @LAK agreed. I’m seeing a handful of folks make that jump, and it worries me that they don’t see any issues with that jump in logic

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        I find some of the comments here truly appalling. People have no problem calling out every celeb who’s ever given a questionable quote about women but this guy can deceive his own wife for over a decade and he’s merely “not perfect”. WTF? HOW, no really, HOW are you a feminist if you don’t even respect your own wife?

        All we have is his word that he’s a feminist. That’s not enough. Someone posted the “josswhedonisnotafeminist” tumblr. It’s worth a look.

      • magnoliarose says:

        @lilmiss A one sided essay is just that. She is telling her truth but it doesn’t mean it is the truth. What if he writes one and says she is a drug addict? Who needed to know their marital business? What is the endgame here?
        He chose not to respond and had no choice but to do that or engage in a public war.
        It isn’t about his character as much as it is about privacy and their children.

      • QueenB says:

        I agree littlemissnaughty. A guy says wh*re once and he is cancelled but this dude actively gaslighted his wife for over a decade and its fine, people make mistakes. He made a choices and kept acting that way. Thats not a mistake.

        Also again: Nowhere did I say feminsits have to be PERFECT. I said better than the average. Thats what the whole movement is about. Is it really to much to ask for a man not to lie to his wife and mother of his children for over a DECADE? And then try to shift the blame? Act innocent? Deflect and lie when confronted about it by her? That is emotional abuse.

        She got PTSD for f*cks sake.

        If you dont let a woman decided over her own health and well being by consistenly having sex with other people without her knowledge then yes you are not a feminist. Again: Why do I have to even write this?

      • Scylla74 says:

        LAK: JW is not a feminist. I recently rewatched Buffy after a long while and was SHOCKED how much gaslighting, slutshaming and homophobia was going on. I always thought that Xander was a huge douche but it was really bad how with being the “nice guy” he damaged Buffy a lot.

        Also Firefly has enough stuff in it that is far away from a “feminist” worldview.

        Dollhouse speaks for itself. This was when I was really getting away from the JW train.

        So I actually take her word for it.

        I am not one who goes ra-ra with the “homewrecker” crowd but I have to say to lie so blatantly about who you are for nearly 20 years is very low. And also the health hazard that a seriel cheater poses…

      • LAK says:

        Littlemissnaughty: i have no respect for a various females in my life including some that are very significant in my life. That doesn’t negate my feminist card nor does it mean they are less feminists for being the dbags and horrible people that they are.

        There can be no doubt that whedon hurt his wife, cheated on her and generally doesn’t deserve to be in any relationship whilst he works out his ‘powerful producer candystore’ schtick.

        ….but it’s an incredible leap to go from cheater to abuser.

        Scally74: i’m not arguing whether or not JW is a feminist. I’m arguing the notion that feminists are utopian perfect creatures outside the human experience as previous poster claims.

        I’m saying that a person can be a feminist and be a dbag, because at the end of the day, they are humanbeings not some super species apart from humans.

        In JW’s defence, i’m saying he is a cheater per his wife’s essay, BUT that has been interpreted to mean that he is an abuser, and that for me is a leap too far.

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        People are conflating all kinds of things here. Seriously. Is he a feminist? In my book, no. For reasons I’ve explained on this thread. Should she have made this public? That’s a different issue and again, I’ve explained why I think that she had the right to do so. He took away her choices. And now people want to judge her for taking back control “because of the children”. They are teenagers as far as I know. You don’t even know if they are okay with this. She may have asked their opinion. But your first reaction is that she’s a bad parent. You can’t know that.

        As for if she’s telling the truth? The man has made a career of writing “strong” *cough* female characters and calling himself a feminist. She tries to shatter that entire image and he doesn’t threaten legal action? Oh I forgot, HE’S the one thinking of the children.

        Life experience tells me that she’s not lying.

        ETA: LAK, I never called him an abuser. I said he’s an ass and not a feminist in my book because when your dbag behavior shows me you have little respect for women, HOW are you a feminist? In this particular case, no, being both is not possible.

      • LAK says:

        Littlemissnaughty: i was very clear that posters on this board were calling him an abuser, not you specifically. If that wasn’t clear, apologies to you. Please read the comments above where you came into the conversation where he is called an abuser and feminists are apparently required to be better people than humans.

      • Millenial says:

        @LAK If you cheat for 10-15 years, you are an abuser in my book. An emotional abuser, at the very least.

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        LAK, I thought your first three paragraphs were in response to me.

        I find it hard to gauge whether that’s abuse or not. Which is why I’m sticking with asshole instead. But honestly, I do think that if you craft a public image that involves “feminist”, as a powerful man in Hollywood, you better live up to it and that includes not disrespecting and hurting your wife for 15 years. I personally don’t see how 15 years of lies and disrespect still translate to respect for women. Especially when you take into account his quote about how men are taught to “conquer and acquire”. Just … gross. Really. Does that sound like a man who respects women?

        A feminist who conquers and acquires women. No really. Can we let that sink it?

    • Alisha says:

      @fishbeard and @lak it sounds like he was emotionally abusive, at least towards the end.

      I’m torn on the necessity of putting this out there as well, but it does sound as if he used his power over young women and while it’s not exactly anything new, it is concerning, especially if part of his public image is as a good guy and an ally to women. I don’t see it being much different from the piece Elon Musk’s ex-wife wrote about their marriage, and she was mostly lauded for putting the truth out there.

      • LAK says:

        “It SOUNDS LIKE he was emotionally abusive” is *your* interpretation of events. Doesn’t make it true.

        Musk’s ex wife was very specific about incidents and situations that pointed in one direction only. This essay leaves enough room for interpretation to extent that people are now calling him an abuser!!

      • FishBeard says:

        That’s the thing that gets me. It may sound like he was emotionally abusive, but she hasn’t presented any evidence other than her word. Perhaps I’m overlooking something, but unless she attached some kind of proof (e.g. text messages or email) there’s nothing to back her account. I’m not comfortable labelling someone as an abuser without substantial evidence.

      • Tara says:

        LAK, you are wilfully ignoring the fact she HAS PTSD – you don’t get that from a rough few weeks.

        Frankly im horrified at the comments here, people talking about ‘logical leaps’ in if its abuse – he took advantage of his powerful position and had continuous affairs throughout his marriage and whenever she felt uncomfortable with the amount of attention he was giving other women he gaslighted her with his ‘feminists’ credentials.

        If people here cant see that as abusive they need their heads examined.

      • LAK says:

        Tara: i’m not being wilfully ignorant. She’s written a J’accuse essay with no details except her feelings and y’all are ready to ascribe the worst behaviour to him.

        I’m not calling her a liar, nor am i negating her feelings, but because i refuse to join your pitchforks you want to question my mental faculties?

      • .... says:

        You are playing russian roulette with your partner’s life when you cheat.
        The STIs alone is abuse in my opinion.

      • tracking says:

        Alisha and Tara, I’m with you. As far as I’m concerned, 15 years of gaslighting is emotional abuse and exploiting your position of power to sleep with “needy” young actresses is not the behavior of a feminist.

  23. Maria says:

    I just wanted to add that my ex was a self proclaimed feminist and he said that thing about likening women more and relating to them more so that’s why he had female friends and not many male friends. Yeah, he turned out to be abusive. I think he hated women tbh, so this doesn’t surprise me at all.

  24. Annie says:

    If you notice crap that makes you uncomfortable such as him paying excessive attention to women, and he doesn’t even hide it because you know he’s doing it right in front of you, don’t be surprised that he can’t keep it in his pants. HELLO! So many times women allow bad behavior, we excuse every type of disrespect and humiliation, and then we are shocked when a guy actually has affairs or leaves us for someone else. But you saw the red flags. When a person shows you who they are believe them! You are not being gaslighted, you are in denial. Sometimes we put our own blinders on.

    Look out for yourselves. Sometimes cheating can truly come as a shock, but when you notice bad behavior that bothers you and you allow that and you stay, know that you chose to be with that person regardless.

    • Anatha says:

      That’s why she asked him and confronted him. She felt that something was off. He used his reputation as a feminist to gaslight her in that aspect.

      Don’t blame her for being cheated on.

    • PoliteTeaSipper says:

      Blame the victim much? Good lord.

  25. Marty says:

    Joss Wheat Thins has been basura, this is not new info.

  26. HK9 says:

    This is something that while true should have been said to his face in a therapists office. Or she should have written this in a letter and not sent it. While this may make her feel good short term, the kids get to read this online in the long run, and airing her grievances this way is not to her benefit, as it will cause more issues down the line than she anticipates. She gave him her life and he threw it away, over and over and over again. While is sucks and changes you forever, sadly she is not special in this regard. Many women have had to deal with a cheating spouse and all the friends/family/coworkers that enabled that to happen.

    I wish her the peace she’s looking for though.

    • otaku fairy says:

      In this case I don’t agree at all with the people making the “Why didn’t she think of her children before going public about their father’s bad behavior” argument because, after googling their kids ages, you’ll see that the youngest one was born in 2002 (which makes her about 15) and the oldest one was born in 1991 (which makes him about 26). At those ages, they most likely already knew about daddy’s bad behavior before their mother made her feelings about it public, and are old enough to not have rough things that go on within the family hidden and sugar-coated. They’re not little kids. Ultimately the fact that they can now read about their father’s antics on the internet is their father’s fault in the first place, not their mother’s. These famous people who use their position to do shady things like this know that they’re risking their business being put out there for their entire family to read. Even if the wronged party doesn’t blab, there’s always a chance that a mistress or someone else who knows about the affair will.

      • HK9 says:

        When I found out that my father cheated on my mom I was 18. I lived with my father’s bad behaviour in other was up until that point and that revelation still had a huge impact on my emotional life. While you may be right and the kids might not care, you don’t know.

      • Luca76 says:

        Fifteen is like the worst age imaginable for this stuff to get aired publicly. This is just at the beginning of dating and creating relationships. I am not going to definitively say this is abusive or damaging to the kids because I don’t know them or what other conflicts are going on in the home but from my own experience yes it absolutely can be mentally crippling to have the underbelly of your parents marriage exposed and to have to confront the issues which are ultimately not safe for them to deal with.
        She has a right to her own feelings and I am not going to say it didn’t happen. I am just going to say that I disagree with the tactic she took. Because for me it resonates with circumstances that went on in my life and alienation from my father which still impacts me. Because I was literally made to choose (by my mother and her family). For me this behavior pings on the narcissist

      • Ankhel says:

        I’m not saying this information about Whedon isn’t interesting, but let’s not pretend this isn’t a scorned woman slapping at her ex – through the media. Like, five years after they separated? I remember very well how awful it was when my parents fought, and insisted we knew all the dirty truths. No, the outlines were enough, thanks. We knew they were trying to make each other look bad, and force people to take sides. Thank Jeebus they stopped (mostly) after three years, but my feelings for either one was never quite the same. They were so caught up in themselves, trying to be the bigger victim. All that’s missing was a public statement and a diagnose, jeez.

        Is Kai entitled to make this statement? Sure. No law against it, and there’s no law against cheating either. Still, I think they both sound like assholes, and that their kids must loathe this.

  27. S says:

    I read this yesterday, and I have thoughts … First off, I have zero issue believing this about Whedon or, frankly, any other successful man and have nothing but sympathy for the wife having to endure that and 1000% get why she’s pissed. She should be pissed.

    It’s a stereotype, yes, but stereotypes exist for a reason and powerful, successful men, from all walks of life, are often — not always, but more often than we’d hope — also gross horndogs.

    In my line of work (sports, not film) I met a lot of very charming, kind men who’d introduce you to their wife and kids at 4 PM, rave about them endlessly, and then hit on you at 8 PM once their families left. They seemed to see no inconsistency between witnessing a family moment where they gush about their bride and how important family is, to propositioning you in bar a few hours later. This wasn’t a one-time or two-time occurrence, but endemic, really. And every single woman I ever worked with had the same story. Over and over and over again.

    Now, having said all that, and having ALL the sympathy for Whedon’s ex-wife, I will also say … This doesn’t change how I feel about Whedon. He’s created a lot of stuff I like, and I don’t think differently about him because he’s a cheater who lied about cheating. (Frankly, the lying and infidelity goes hand in hand.)

    Having had many friends who have gone through marriage trouble, both due to infidelity and otherwise, I also have a bit of a cringe of her sharing personal letters he wrote to her in the throes of a very traumatic life event for both of them. On the hand, he’s the power player and she wants to bring receipts to prove her side, which I get. On the other, those were private, almost certainly extremely emotional missives designed for her eyes only.

    I’m not defending, excusing or endorsing him, but I also don’t look for creators of entertainment, or anyone else, to be perfect in order to enjoy what they produce. It seems exhausting to take moral stands on every single product, performance, etc.

    I’m also against “purity tests” in general for politicians, entertainers, etc. because there is no one that is 100% perfect on all the issues that matter to me, all the time, including me.

    Sure, there are some people that have gone way beyond the pale, where I can’t separate their personal life from their professional one — rape (Polanski, Parker), child abuse (Singer, Allen) — but if I start to draw the line at infidelity, pretty sure my only entertainment options are gonna be library puppet shows, and even those are suspect.

    Also, real talk, if we stop giving awards to everyone who has ever said anything about ideals, morality or the like that then turned out to be somewhat in conflict with their actual, real-life actions … Well, yeah, I think we have to stop handing out awards to all humans then.

    To sum up … No problem believing Joss was a horrendous husband. All sympathy to his ex. Doesn’t change my feeling about his work.

  28. hey-ya says:

    ….oh dear…I expect everyone knew except her…16 years is a long time yoofwise n Id be bitter too…for a while…and then get on with life…unfortunately hes a king on the hill & she aint…

  29. snork says:

    Why is Weedon getting a pass on this from so many? Urgh! Ben Affleck has been called every name under the sun (not that I object), but this guy? If you want to proclaim yourself a feminist whilst repeatedly cheating on your wife, sleeping with starlets just because you can and then making your wife out to be at fault. Sorry but no. This is a massive case of cognitive dissonance at best and willful misrepresentation at worst.

    Imagine 15 years of your life taken from you, stolen from you really. Everytime you are intimate with him, he knew, but he only tells you about it when he’s done with you. How is this respect? How is this feminism. If you knew your husband had been dicking around with numerous other conquests would you have been intimate with him? I doubt it, but he didn’t give her that choice or that agency, even over her own body. Shame on him. What a massive grade A douche cockwomble knobhead.

    • Jayna says:

      He doesn’t get a pass. He is what he is, an asshole.

      But when a man is a chronic cheater, I always find it hard to believe there weren’t some signs at some points over the years he was having an affair or affairs or just something didn’t add up. Maybe she turned a blind eye the times she suspected, like a lot of those wives of powerful men do in that industry.

      I just don’t get why he felt the need after the face, the marriage ending. to tell her in such detail how much he cheated on her their entire marriage. and in such a pompous way of explaining it That seems pointless and cruel, honestly, because your whole marriage does become a sham in your mind, a marriage you invested a lot of years in.

      A married man staying married because he has kids and keeps the family unit together while the kids are young and also is banging side piece here or there or an affair is sadly nothing new. It’s probably rampant in Tinseltown,

      • Tara says:

        errr there WERE signs, she said so herself, she felt uncomfortable and whenever she brought it up he castigated her for thinking it when he was ‘raised as a feminists by his mom and just prefers socialising with women’

        Gas lighting at its absolute fucking finest, for fifteen years.

        I do have a dog in this fight so I may as well come clean – a similar thing happened to me in my early twenties, I and my work colleague were the ‘actresses’ in the scenario, working in an adjacent arm of the entertainment/creative industries, we were both targeted by the most important man there, it was relentless, coercive, and scary – I left the entire industry before my head could get fucked up, my work colleague came out of the whole thing a compete mess, lost her job, was blacklisted for saying ‘No’ after initially being so scared she said yes.

        The wife knew nothing apparently and must have been devastated if it even came out.

        This is a powerful man ABUSING his position, it isn’t just about the wife who I have complete sympathy for its also about all those young women.

        Trust me, no early twenties actress desperately wants to have a sweaty affair with a fat ginger, ugly inside and out man

      • Ankhel says:

        Something about the amount of information provided about Joss’ thoughts and motivations makes me think they went through some form of counselling together, maybe marriage counselling. That would explain Kai’s insights. Oh well. Bet he regrets that bit of honesty now.

    • jammypants says:

      I have a hard time conflating the two. Is he a feminist? In some parts and in others, hell no. I think being a cheater is universal, outside of feminist labels. I have a male friend who’s been cheated on multiple times by his ex gf. He didn’t have agency either. She even used a fake miscarriage to hold him emotionally hostage. In fact, she was domestically violent, hit him, kicked him down the stairs, and called the cops on him, basically gaslighting him, saying he was the abusive one. Would anyone call that misandry? I think it’s quite a stretch to assume Whedon faked his feminist cred to get laid. We don’t know all the details. I think it’s unsafe to fill in the blank spaces where we don’t have the information, like do the women give mutual consent? Did he use his male authority over women, taking away their choices? Or did the women take advantage of his penis brain? Literally I can throw in any details I want.

      That said, Joss is a poor feminist in his work. And he’s a knobhead for cheating on his wife.

      • littlemissnaughty says:

        Misandry, like reverse racism, is not a thing.

        I said this above. JW is a “feminist” who conquers and acquires women. In his own words, if his wife quoted him correctly (and he doesn’t deny it). That’s NOT a feminist. Whether intentional or not, we can’t possibly know. But the big picture says he’s not.

      • jammypants says:

        Misandry can mean dislike or contempt of men. In fact I used that example to show being a cheater is not reduced to one gender. There was no where that I implied his ex gf hated men, like you are implying. Misandry in the form of discrimination…only cases I can think of are parental leave, child custody in divorces, and cases of rape and domestic violence where the male is less to be believed and less likely to report the crime committed against them.

        I used the example to highlight being a shitty partner is not exactly nailed down to gender. But with the example above, even sexism was used against my friend because no one would believe a 6’2″ guy would let a 5’3″ girl hit and kick him and not fight back. They didn’t believe him. He couldn’t report her. She even hit herself to show bodily injury and use that against him. It’s completely gaslighting.

        For Joss, he definitely gaslighted his wife, making her believe him to be faithful. And just because he’s a “feminist”, it does not disqualify him from being a cheating bastard. Her quote she used from him to me sounds more like he fell for the Hollywood cliche, when you become famous, you get groupies. If there were cases of sexual harassment or abuse, he would have been sued or reported by now. I fail to see the argument that he used his power over women in the industry to be unfaithful. If later on, there are reports of abuse, then I will not hesitate to say, yes, he used feminism as a brand booster and to get himself easy sex.

        As it is, I personally don’t see him as a real feminist, but I also don’t see how his cheating and feminism get conflated together. Both can exist in separate realms and both can be judged on their own. In that case, he failed at both individually.

  30. Irene says:

    Not surprised at all. The horrible leaked stuff from proposed future Firefly episodes, Dollhouse in its entirety, his treatment of CC when she got pregnant, his treatment of Natasha in the Avengers movies, and his script for Wonder Woman, and then his reaction to fans when they called him out on this stuff? It’s been pretty clear he’s been a creep using a feminist disguise to get what he wants for a loooong time.

  31. Emily says:

    I saw this yesterday and thought it was amazing. Jen Garner who? This is rad. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  32. Holly565 says:

    “Until recently, Joss was still letting the illusion of our marriage stay intact.” — any idea what this refers to? Because I think it’s significant if she wants to get her experience in the public ahead of his sympathetic or misleading memoir or biography or documentary or similar.

    Personally I have no qualms with Kai Cole publishing her side of things. Mostly because there are children from the marriage and I am big on role modelling behaviour you want your children to emulate. Kids need to see their parents as strong, especially when infidelity has happened.

    • S says:

      Kai was talking about the fact that they legally separated in 2012, started divorce proceedings in 2014, but Joss still ID’ed himself as married as recently as late last year. I don’t know that he brought it up, but he certainly never publicly announced he was separating/divorcing through some very high profile press he did during the time it was going on. It also sounds like, just by the way she writes it, that they may have had some sort of confidentiality order in place during the proceedings and only now that things are final is she free to talk about it publicly.

  33. Bridget says:

    Being a cheater doesn’t negate you from being a feminist. Nor does it make you an abuser. It simply makes you a sh$&@ husband. But Whedon has a large body of work to judge him on. Decide whether or not he’s a feminist based on that, the hundreds of hours of material, not based on whether or not he cheated on his ex-wife.

    • LA Elle says:

      The point is not that he cheated. The point is that he lied – for years – to cover the cheating – and used his position of authority to seduce women in the workplace.

      And I have watched his work, and I don’t find it feminist. Read his take on Wonder Women. Ask why the heck Warner Bros. is having him adapt Batgirl – doubly so after they had so much success with having women helm Wonder Woman.

      • Bridget says:

        But that’s my point. Decide whether or not he can claim his status as a feminist filmmaker based on his actual work, of which there are ample examples. Because as people say, being a cheater and being a feminist aren’t mutually exclusive (and frankly, I don’t think you can cheat without lying).

    • Lizzy says:

      Eh, I think preying on women who work for you, whose careers can be made or ruined by you, negates any claims to be a feminist.

  34. Alisha says:

    @LAK it’s not *my* interpretation, she literally put his words out there and stated his actions caused PTSD. I mean, maybe she’s just a super-fragile person, or maybe he was a sh*tty partner and his actions damaged her. But it sounds like you want more specific examples from her for her to be believed? I’m not sure that’s a great idea, considering further detail may get into the territory of exposing the identities of the people he had supposedly had the affairs with.

    I’m not donning a pitchfork here, but simply saying “this person is not what they claim to be because they cheated on me throughout our marriage and it really f*cked me up” isn’t that unbelievable and I don’t like how people are so quick to vilify her. Saying she should have handled this privately and how will it affect the children – well maybe, but he’s a public figure pushing a public image. That makes a difference. Look at the very public struggles of the Afflecs, Mel B, and Jesse Williams’s wife, and I don’t see many people piling on them. I’m not going to shame her for putting this out there.

  35. Olive says:

    Famous dweeb writer not actually a feminist.

    Not surprising!!

  36. LA Elle says:

    As someone who is the daughter of a guy who is in the same category of Joss Whedon, I have to say I find this comment section upsetting.

    Having firsthand experience, let me offer a few comments (with the caveat that they may or may not have been the case with Whedon):
    1. The kids know. They have likely seen and heard stuff that is much more damaging than a letter their mom wrote.
    2. They may have been lied to as well. As they get older, they may start to wonder if Dad missing out on a birthday party or school play was really that he was working or if he was instead off with another woman.
    3. People will judge the kids if they choose not to have a close relationship with their father. Their mother will be accused of brainwashing them. In my case, a therapist once told me I was doing more harm to myself for not having a relationship with my father than by sucking it up and “learning to deal with him as an imperfect person.” This was after I had discovered evidence of multiple instances that he had not only lied to me, but lied about me to friends and family in order to cover for his misdeeds.
    3a. Fortunately, another therapist classified my father’s behavior for what it is: emotional abuse. Full stop. And it’s not ok, and his position as my parent did not give him the power to treat me like that.

    So please don’t pearl clutch and ask ‘what of the children’ – the time and person to ask that was years ago and Joss Whedon. Even if he kept the kids out of that, treating their Mom like that was not fair to them. We don’t know how the kids were involved, which is as it should be, because that letter is their Mom’s and not theirs.

    I took the supposed high road with my Dad. I didn’t tell many people about a lot of the stuff he pulled because I was trying to be the “bigger person.” In retrospect, I don’t think my silence was the best option because, in a lot of people’s minds, it meant I agreed with the lies my father put out about me and our relationship.

    I don’t say this for pity or “oh, poor you” – I say this as someone who absolutely hates when people try and use children as a shield against calling out an adult’s bad behavior or normalizing adultery.

    Unlike my father, Joss shaped his career with a claim of feminism and being an ally to women. To find out he may be using his position of authority to seduce young women? No, that’s not OK. That is not private business – if Kai were a business associate or an actress who had been seduced, we would be applauding her for speaking up. That she was married to him, that she has children with him, does not lessen her voice.

    Ugh. I hate starting Monday angry.

    (Also, let’s never forget that Joss owes his career to some nepotism.)

    • detritus says:

      Thank you for sharing Elle. You outlined some of my major issues with this, and why its not ‘just cheating’.

    • HK9 says:

      @ LA Elle-I know what you went through. Let’s just say this, my mom who has Alzheimers, doesn’t always remember who I am, but she still remembers that my dad cheated on her and will talk to me about it when I go to see her.

      Now, her kids might not care that this is out there now. But I’m guessing that even if they don’t really care, it’s not going to make their lives any easier. People will always think what they want and only the people who are living in the situation know what really happened.

      If you as a woman are working through this type of situation, there still comes the time when you have to realize that you still have to co-parent with this person and you have a choice on what foundation that’s built on. In my experience, the sooner you get to envisioning that and building what you want to see, the better it is for everyone. Part of that vision is having an appropriate place for her & the kids to voice their experience completely-and I don’t think it’s in public. I also don’t think she needs to be silent or keep anything secret either. I don’t know what the answer to this is-the only people who will know for sure is the kids about 20 years from now.

    • Millennial says:

      “So please don’t pearl clutch and ask ‘what of the children’ – the time and person to ask that was years ago and Joss Whedon”


    • Lisa says:

      Thank you for your post Elle. This was really bothering me, all this talk about the children, the children are traumatized because she didn’t suck it up and keep it private. What about the children being traumatized first by his behavior? His abuse of power is not private it should be public knowledge.

      • Cbould says:

        Totally agree, Elle. Thanks for writing all that. Teaching your children to protect Daddy at all costs is not a healthy coping mechanism. Pretending none of it happened (as the Mom) is just sowing seeds of denial for your children. (They def. already know & they deserve to process & talk about it too.)

  37. detritus says:

    I find it interesting that when a woman shares that she was cheated on, a large portion of people think she’s in the wrong. Isn’t this just sharing your experiences? Especially when it comes to making people aware of a wolf in sheeps clothing? Of men who could be a danger to other women?

    I’m obviously not innocent of this. Even recently, the Dylan Sprouse thing where his ex shared a crying picture of herself labelled as ‘when your bf cheats on you’ or something. It was attention seeking and I didn’t like it and said so, and later read a piece talking about how we penalize the person who shares the crime, not the person who commits it. It made me wonder about this, as often elements of long term cheating are close to, or actually are abuse.

    In effect, by judging the person who was cheated on, regardless of how they choose to share, are we not victim blaming on a milder scale? Are we not saying, well thats nice, but your pain doesn’t count because I don’t want to hear about it? Maybe I’m relating it too strongly back to the stuff I’ve been reading about why people do not want to believe SA and DV survivors.

    • Jeanne says:

      I totally agree with you. For a rapist, or someone violent. But is cheating a crime? And how is a cheater a danger to others ?

      • detritus says:

        In this case the cheater was psychologically damaging someone, and gaslighting is emotional abuse. In this case it sounds like there is an added layer of abuse of power, the conquest of young ‘aggressive’ women.

        In a regular case of serial adultery I find the lines a bit more blurred. The cheating itself isn’t abuse most of the time, but the actions to hide the cheating tend to be.

  38. smh says:

    I never liked the dude since Charisma Carpenter gate. What an Ahole.

    The actress he slept with might have been Amy acker(Fred), Summer Glu, and that chick who plays Harmony.

  39. Alisha says:

    @LAK it’s not *my* interpretation, she literally put his words out there and stated his actions caused PTSD. I mean, maybe she’s just a super-fragile person, or maybe he was a sh*tty partner and his actions damaged her. But it sounds like you want more specific examples from her for her to be believed? I’m not sure that’s a great idea, considering further detail may get into the territory of exposing the identities of the people he had supposedly had the affairs with.

    I’m not donning a pitchfork here, but her saying “this person is not what they claim to be because they cheated on me throughout our marriage and it really f*cked me up” isn’t that unbelievable and I don’t like how people are so quick to vilify her.

  40. serena says:

    I wonder who on the Buffy set he cheated his wife with..

  41. Margo S. says:

    What a gross looking dude. I’ve never even heard of him until today.

  42. tealily says:

    I don’t want to be like *I told you so!* because I didn’t, but I will say that despite years of people raving about Whedon and his feminism, I’ve never found it in his material to the level that it’s interested me enough to watch anything in its entirety. It’s a relief to feel like I don’t have to bother now, I guess. Maybe I was sensing his phoniness.

  43. A says:

    People will defend wackiest folks in the name of feminism I swear. Some faux feminist can do an interview about her trophy boyfriend of 15 minutes and people will praise her for sharing her emotions but when this woman decided to do it, people are asking her why?

  44. Mrs. Darcy says:

    Just leaving this here:

    Someone in the original comments even says “It can’t possibly be a Joss Whedon show because he is a feminist”. Reading it now…yeah, woah. Seems obvious.

  45. CharlieBouquet says:

    I consider it a PSA. Women have long histories of being the secret keepers, and look at how society responds to it, toxic victimization suffering in silence. Signed: secret keeper

  46. I Choose Me says:

    I still love Buffy (and Angel) but both shows have been tainted for me on re-watch because the sexism and homophobia is so glaringly obvious, you wonder how you missed it the first time. I loathe Xander (Joss’ alter ego stand in) with the fire of a thousand suns. Plus his notion of character building by habitually putting his female leads through the worst shit imaginable is jarring, disturbing and borders on the pathological.

    So yeah, Whedon has been problematic for a long ass time and I feel not a shred of sympathy for him here.

  47. Jeanne says:

    About him
    He cheated. That makes him, probably, a bad husband. But if she did not knew or suspected for years, he must have been a good husband, apart for the cheating.
    So he’s a cheating cheater. Since when does one have to practice sexual exclusivity to believe in men and women equality ? What does the one have to do with the other?

    Cheating is not abuse. My ex cheated on me. It does not make him a bad lawyer, a criminal or some kind of monster. It makes him a cheater and an ex. End of story.

    About her.
    Again, until some actresses (or other) come out saying he somehow forced them, he just cheated. Nothing more. I’m neither his wife nor his intended, so, while good gossip, it really is none of my business.
    Yes she has right to feel angry and hurt. But exposing things, intimate things, he may or may not have said in a very private confession, to me, is like revenge porn. It despicable and inexcusable.
    Tpublic shaming, bullying is abuse and I will stand by the cheater against the abuser, whatever their gender and whoever they are.

  48. sisi says:

    Joss likes women, but he LOVES himself.

    He’s like Quentin Tarantino in that regard.

  49. yyu says:

    What he did to Nicole Kidman on Twitter after she said “give Trump a chance, b/c there is nothing else we can do right now”or something to that effect was more than enough for me to see him for what he is.

    I hope he apologized to her profusely. But I think not.

  50. MartyMcFly says:

    This makes me very uncomfortable. People say awful stuff about each other in divorce. I am going through a separation now, we have two young kids, and my husband says the most INSANE awful things about me (and to me). He’s created this negative caricature of an awful woman and swears up and down it’s who I really I am, and when I don’t agree he calls me a liar etc. I have no idea if this stuff about him in his marriage is true and neither does anyone here. Seemingly good people can lose their minds within the stress of a divorce. Please believe this.

  51. Tan says:

    The comment section here is again a proof of institutional misogyny. It is not wrong for the cheated ex to speak up. He has a careful crafted image he barters on and apparently uses to get laid all the time.

    How is tearing his facade out any way different from an abuse victim speaking up against it?
    It takes immense courage and strength to put the story out, and exactly because of the way she is beung judged here and probably in many other portals.

    I applaud her for standing up for herself.

    • Harryg says:

      Yes, she’s brave. People will attack her for “not keeping it private.” I also want to add that The Cabin in the Woods is the shittiest movie ever and I want the two hours of my life back, that’s what I think every time I see Whedon’s smirking face.

    • Annetommy says:

      There is nothing misoginistic about not wanting to hear one parent bashing another in public. He is still those kids’ dad. I don’t see the courage and strength. It would have been more courageous and stronger to think “I know this guy is a bastard but there are other forces at play here that will make me temper the way I speak about this, because it’s not all about ME”. I was married to an alcoholic and divorced, but while I discussed the situation with my daughter once she was old enough to understand, I never once slagged him off to her. He was still her father ffs, even if a pretty poor one. And far worse to do it when you know it’s going to get this publicity.

  52. Patty says:

    Feminism is an ideology. One can promote the ideas of feminism and still have significant moral failings. There are plenty of men who support the feminist cause but treat the women in their lives horribly.

    That being said, I guess I don’t get his ex. What’s the point of doing all of this? Maybe I’m just very private but I don’t get it. What’s she trying to do? Shave him? Get him blacklisted? Make herself feel better? Also she willingly chose to stay with him for like 20 years.

  53. Palomar says:

    He’s always been a blowhard, full of himself, self inflated jerk. I consider any man that tries to justify an affair as some biological or primal need to be pathetic waste of space and not worthy of the title of a real man, let alone a feminist. That’s just my opinion. He was married and that was (apparently) good enough until he became big man on campus and hotties (that he could have never gotten in a million years before) are now willing to sleep with him so what’s a man to do? A true feminist man would stay faithful to his wife or (here’s the groundbreaking part) get a divorce and then explore new relationships with as many women as he pleases. He’s not a man. He’s a little boy that couldn’t get the hot girls in college or high school and once successful in Hollywood suddenly he’s in the position to be the popular guy banging the chicks that used to ignore him and gets off extra on the fact that he’s doing it behind his wife’s back. Doesn’t have to be Hollywood. It’s a power thing. He doesn’t respect women. Bullshit. Think about the true dynamic of him cheating on his wife with younger girls trying to get ahead in show business and you tell me that dynamic doesn’t point towards actions of a man that lacks basic respect for women as human beings.

    I know she mentions having PSTD from the whole situation and I get it, it’s traumatizing to realize you’ve been lied to or cheated on and nobody can speak from anywhere but your own personal experience however it makes me so sad to see her burdened with those traumatized feelings of her own self worth, trust etc. when really all she’s dealing with it is a simple minded twat who couldn’t keep it in his pants. It’s not complicated, deep, her fault, worth ruminating on etc. Some men are just selfish, self absorbed, egotistical pricks that can’t keep it in their pants.

  54. MarDelSur says:

    I actually think this is one of those situations where the personal is political, and I’m glad she spoke out. A lot of woman-hating or woman-detrimental behaviours are strictly speaking only played out in the private/relationship arena, yet they are very powerful societal forces nonetheless. What behaviours, you ask? Well, married men feeling they are justified in indulging in a buffet of beautiful, young women if they can, because after all they’re supposed to ‘conquer and acquire’… Married men engaging in systematic cheating while expecting fidelity from their wives… You can view these as personal issues, which they are, but they are also political in the sense that men holding these views and society validating them holding these views serves to shape (i.e. limit) women’s expectations and power in their heterosexual relationships.

  55. themummy says:

    Edited because I should have read more closely before commenting. He’s an ass, eh?

  56. Annetommy says:

    They have two children together? How nice for those kids. I am a firm believer that there are very few if any occasions on which one parent should diss another, even in private. If there were issues with their parent that need to be explained to your kids, then explain. But this doesn’t seem a classy or compassionate move by her.

    • Shijel says:

      Except Joss Whedon has built his entire career on being woman-friendly. Turns out he’s not, he’s the same predator as most men in Hollywood and elsewhere.

      Joss has already caused damage to his family. This is on him. Silence will only protect him. He did this to himself and his family.

  57. Summer says:

    I am so disturbed these comments. Commenters known for being feminist and woke — commenters prone to pick apart statements and analyze body language — are actually bagging on his wife for publishing this? Are you kidding me?! Claiming that cheating is commonplace behavior unworthy of any recognition besides a private split?

    Cheating is emotional abuse! Cheating is deception! Cheating is marital treason! There are victims — victims who bear emotional wounds and scars forever. In her case, 15 years of being gaslit and misled, leading to PTSD. This woman may never trust another partner again. And who knows what his actresses and coworkers endured. With his power and position, these affairs may have been less consensual than he says.

    But by all means, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Let’s bag on her post-trauma etiquette. Let’s keep watching all his movies and praise his feminism, because “hey, no one is perfect!” #sarcasm

    You can argue all you want about open relationships, or natural urges, but cheating is lying — END STOP. Lying is wrong. Lying is emotionally abusive. Let’s call a spade a spade and a douche a douche.

    Not today, Satan, not today!!!

    • Sisi says:

      I’m getting the feeling from her article that he fessed up about the cheating in a letter afterwards, so he didn’t even come clean to her face to face.

      He obviously didn’t consider her his equal.

      I agree with everything you said.

    • detritus says:

      It’s funny how, ‘no one is perfect’, is used as an excuse for his literal decade and a half of consistent misbehaviour, yet people are not willing to extend that same olive branch to Kai. The one who actually did nothing wrong.

    • .... says:

      I wonder what their comments would be if he, God forbid, infected her with HIV.

      I take cheating very seriously, because I take my life seriously.

    • Freddy Spaghetti says:

      @Summer What you said was powerful and perfect. +1000000000000000

    • littlemissnaughty says:

      Word. I don’t see the virtue in keeping this private. A victim of 15 years of lying and gaslighting is not responsible for keeping things private. But I guess it could be worse (physical abuse, STDs etc.) so she got off easy and should be held to a higher standard than him? Because I don’t see him being raked over the coals here.

    • magnoliarose says:

      You are disturbed because some of us think it didn’t need to be on the internet? Before the internet people had the ability to speak openly and clearly to the people in their lives. If she doesn’t publish it on the internet does it make her experience less painful or important? More importantly, does it make it true? Believing it or thinking it “sounds” true is not based on fact.
      There are things that give me pause in her statement. She says she not only has PTSD because of him but it is complex PTSD which is a severe form of the disorder associated with POWs or victims of extended physical or sexual abuse as children. I have problems when someone puts their situation in a context with victims of extreme suffering and helplessness. This does not hold up to that criteria and I find it questionable that she accuses him of being the cause.
      I am to believe she has this is common with sex slaves, victims of child exploitation rings, victims of long term captivity, concentration camp survivors or women who are physically terrorized by their partners for years with the knowledge they might end up murdered at any given moment. Really?

      I also don’t buy into the assertion that feminism means blind support for women just because they are women. It means, in my view, treating any statements with the same scrutiny that I would regardless of gender. It means paying attention to my own reactions and stating my opinions based on my own experiences and observations. There is no final word on what makes a woman a feminist and what it means in 2017.

      This has nothing to do with silencing anyone. She spoke and people have their opinions. It doesn’t guarantee agreement or approval.

    • Tan says:

      I totally agree
      I think its massive double standard and hypocrisy at play here

      By stating the truth about the man, the woman is doing a massive error because hey propriety and kids

      Because you know children and their emotions, even adult ones are only the responsibility of the mother and the one actually doing the deeds is excused, because father is just provider

      This forum boasts of so many woke people who are quick to cancel and heap crap on non forum favorites at the slightest sign of error, but a emotionally abused woman speaks up against her abuser: and suddenly she should keep quite because hey she was not beaten or raped.

      I mean so what her choices about her body were taken from her, no STD ( that has been made public) so god forbid a woman calls out her powerful ex husband

      Jealous crazy bitch who has no care for her children is the common theme

      Her statements about her PTSD is picksd apart while her husbands 15 years of cheating and lying and gaslighting is not even discussed. Because God forbid a woman ever overstates anything ( if at all)

      Women are held to impossible standards bei women only

      We don’t need men to keep us down, fellow females do the job

  58. Amelie says:

    I never understood why geeks lauded this guy. I’ve watched bits and pieces of Buffy and I just never could get into it. Watched the Firefly movie and thought it was meh (didn’t see the show so the movie made very little sense to me). I decided his stuff just wasn’t for me but was glad to see he gave many women strong characters even though I couldn’t see the appeal of his shows. Glad I never invested time in his work.

  59. jess says:

    From my experience, anytime a guy claims to be a feminist it’s code for he’s a woman obsessed creep.

  60. Sara says:

    What a piece of crap.

    If you are going to cheat, I mean fine. Lots of women I know have cheated. But for real, don’t use the power of your job to get people to sleep with you while gas lighting your partner and preaching feminism at the same time.

  61. Amy Tennant says:

    As a huge JW fan (well of some of his work, maybe not the dude himself anymore), I’m disappointed. Firefly is my favorite show ever. I disappointed, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. He loves putting young nubile women front and center, and while they’re usually azz-kickers, I always thought it was a fetish. I understand what some of you are saying about privacy, but I am on her side. If he didn’t want people to find out about being a skuzzbucket, he shouldn’t have been a skuzzbucket. Maybe it’s not good for the kids to have this play out publicly, I will grant that, but I still blame him more for doing the stuff than I do her for writing about it. In future years the kids will know Mom stood up for herself and didn’t protect her abuser. And yes, getting ptsd from a relationship, imo, suggests it was abusive. I wish her the best in moving on and healing. (And here I was excited that my favorite director was making a movie about my favorite superhero… sigh)

  62. evanessa says:

    I’d guess a lesser name for a latter day Joss dalliance in Whedonville: Ashley Johnson. She was in the original scrapped pilot of Dollhouse (the one on the DVD) – called “Echo” – and she showed up again as a different character – the girl that Alpha and Whiskey kidnapped on their crime spree in the episode “Omega”.

    1 – Joss raved about her a little too much. A quote from whedonesque about the scrapped pilot: “To get a sense of how completely turned around I was during this process, you should know there was a scene with Eliza and the astonishing Ashley Johnson that I wrote and shot completely differently three different times, with different characters in different places (actually I wrote it closer to eight times), and none of it will ever see air. Which is as it should be (though I’m determined to get Ms. Johnson back in the future).”

    2 – Looking at her imdb, she showed up again in Joss’ Much Ado About Nothing movie plus a bit part in the Avengers (the waitress).

    • magnoliarose says:

      This is exactly the risk of putting this out there. Now the guessing begins and yet more people are dragged into this against their will.

      @evanessa I don’t blame you for guessing. It lends it itself to it.

    • Amy Tennant says:

      Sounds like good guess! I expect names to be named soon. That’s usually what happens. Either the truth will come out or at least enough public speculation will name a likely candidate

  63. lost american says:

    So Joss Whedon is like Donald Trump then. Seems a lot of men are this way.

  64. kimbers says:

    So which needy actress on the set of buffy did he sleep with?

    Just wondering….willow?

  65. Miss Jupitero says:

    I hope Kai gets the house. That’s an awesome house.

  66. A.Key says:

    I had no idea he was considered a feminist. Why? His characters are the female version of James Bond. Good looking unrealistic, unbeatable fighters. Not normal believable smart women whose strength lies in their character and decisions. His female characters are models who have a black belt. Wow, much “feminism”. Jeesh.

  67. Keaton says:

    RE: Her hurting their kids by airing their dirty laundry.
    The woman has PTSD. I’m pretty sure the kids have already been negatively affected by their POS Dad’s treatment of their mom.

    Also, does anyone else find it assinine that he felt compelled to “confess” and explain (rationalize?) his affairs to her? I bet he did it to ease his own “guilt”. He didn’t care that by doing so he set off a bomb in her life. Yes, I am damning him either way. He should have refrained from screwing women other than his wife in the first place.