I know Jennette McCurdy, 26, from Sam and Cat with Ariana Grande, which aired from 2013 to 2014. It’s not that long ago in the scheme of things, but it’s ages for someone in their late teens and early 20s. Reportedly Jennette and Ariana did not get along but Jennette has claimed they butted heads in a “sisterly” way. We know how Ariana’s career has skyrocketed since. Jenette is a working actress with steady credits. I saw her in a decent Netflix series called Between, about a town sealed off by the government in which every person over 22 dies. She plays a young mom and is so watchable and believable in that role. In a new essay for Huffington Post, Jennette opens up about her battle with disordered eating, which was rampant when she was a young actress, and which she’s been in recovery from for about two years. She describes it in such detailed and stark terms that it can be hard to take. She also reveals how her mom coached her to count calories and to be preoccupied with food and her body. It must have been awful to go through. Jenette lost her mom to breast cancer in 2013 and that is part of the reason she’s ready to write about it.
Why she’s sharing her story
I’ve been in recovery maintenance for two years. I’m no longer actively engaging in disordered eating. After spending a lot of time in therapy working on myself and confronting what I’ve experienced, I finally feel like I have the perspective required to write about what I’ve been through and maybe ― hopefully ― it might help someone who is going through the same thing feel less alone. (Plus, it’s been a good few years since mom died, so my quota for trauma sharing is ready to be refilled.)Her mom coached her to be preoccupied with calories and weight
My disordered eating started when I was 11. As a child actress working in Hollywood, I quickly learned that remaining physically small for my age meant I had a better chance of booking more roles. Unfortunately, I had a trusty and dedicated companion ready to help me with my burgeoning anorexia: my mom!I always remember feeling that my mom really struggled with my body, weight and diet. She’d regularly compare my size to that of other girls. She’d portion out my meals for me. She’d help me count calories.
She started binging and purging around 18
When I was 18, my mom was diagnosed with cancer for a second time and this time it was terminal. “iCarly” had become a global phenomenon, I had a record deal with a fancy record label, mom was dying, and I just couldn’t handle the pressures of everything happening around me. But this time, instead of turning away from food, I turned to food. Lots and lots of food.And so began my binge eating phase. I still tracked, calculated and obsessed about every single thing that went into my mouth, just the same as when I had anorexia. The only difference was that I was eating a lot more. I was constantly preoccupied with food. Nothing meant more to me than my next bite and nothing gave me more shame than my last one. I was in a toxic, self-loathing cycle.
She only got praise from people in the industry; her sister-in-law helped her
And during those years ― plus the 10 years before when I was wrapped up in other forms of disordered eating ― not one person in the entertainment industry confronted me about it. Maybe my destructive behavior was obvious to everyone around me, but if they were all monetizing the situation ― and essentially me ― then what incentive did they have to try to change it or help me?I purged and purged and purged [after Thanksgiving]. Then I swung open the bathroom door and came face to face with my sister-in-law.
“You need help,” she told me. And I knew she was right. I felt a strange combination of terrified and relieved ― terrified that someone knew my secret and I would have to face my disordered eating, and relieved that maybe now I would finally get better.
Jenette described how she eventually recovered. She went to a therapist, wasn’t ready to let go of her disorder, and stopped going until she got serious and was ready to quit. She likened it to breaking up with a bad boyfriend whom you think you love even though they treat you horribly. Sometimes I wonder how many women in Hollywood silently struggle like this, and what price they pay to be in the industry. It just seems like so much pressure, and it would be hard not to internalize it and feel like you can never measure up.
photos credit: WENN and Avalon.red
Had a student whose mom did the same thing. Told her that her body would get her places in this world. Would not give her extra money because mom was afraid she would by fries with it. I heard (did not know for sure) that her mom also taught her how to throw up. Sad part is that this young lady was one of the smartest students I had.
I have a cousin in law who’s mom basically groomed her into a severe eating disorder, and praised her as her disorder progressed. It makes me so angry. Her mom’s body is ravaged and ruined from her own anorexia and she seemed to view her teenage daughter’s body as a whole new breeding ground for the torture of anorexia. It is pure torture and I am heartbroken for this cousin. She’s several years in and it’s been treatments center after rehab center (drug abuse is tied up with weight loss for these two)… this young woman should be enjoying college! When it comes from your mother it’s incredibly hard to overcome. I wish I could turn back time and take her away from it all.
Had I had proof that mom was teaching this girl to purge I would have called DFS. I had heard later that she got out of mom’s grasp. She would come to school dressed to the nines. Her senior year she came to class with no makeup, hair down, jeans and a flannel shirt and I didn’t recognize her. It’s so sad. My daughter works in a rehab for eating disorders and the stories she tells are so heart breaking.
It is incredibly hard when it comes from dear old mom. I wasn’t overweight, but nevertheless, my mother indoctrinated me into preoccupation with, and intense shame about, food and looks from a very young age. She taught me all of her little tricks — AKA disordered eating and deprivation — and made it clear that any extra weight would not only make me look bad, but reflect poorly upon the family as well. That’s an unbearable pressure, and I can’t imagine McCurdy’s burden of having to be a wage-earner for the family on top of it all.
Families that lack the internal grounding of healthy connection and good coping skills understandably but tragically focus on externals that are doomed to fail when it comes to crafting a good life for oneself. I’m glad McCurdy’s speaking out. I remember when no one ever talked about it and there was not yet any recognition of EDs as genuine disorders. That only deepened the corrosive shame and sense of unworthiness. Information, and the bracing honesty of those who know the hell of EDs, are powerful tools.
@checkthatprivilage- I definitely learned disordered eating and body image issues from my mom. I remember her dieting all the time.
To your second paragraph, that is my husbands family 100%. I started dating him with I was 15 and spent a lot of time out on their boat and at the beach. So I believe they also had a roll in my issues as well. I’m still extremely body conscious around them and I’m in my late thirties but they haven’t changed a bit. They still comment on female bodies all the time and my husband who is the only brother that isn’t always working out is always getting railed for his “belly”.
I had a good friend in high school whose mom policed her food to a point that always felt criminal. My friend was a (French) size 38, which would be roughly a U.S. size 6. So nowhere near big – not even close. She was an avid swimmer with an athletic body that her mom labelled “pas tres feminin.” I kid you not: her mom had padlocks on the pantry cabinet and the fridge. Needless to say, my friend had a severe ED. It took her years of work to get rid of it – and mostly it took her taking a job in the U.S. – far, far from what is possibly one of the most toxic mothers on earth. She is doing well now. And making sure her own daughter has a healthy relationship to food.
Hi Swack—I’m not criticizing you at all—I’m sure you did all that you could for your student, but I just wanted to remind everyone that you don’t have to have proof to make a report to Child Protective Services. It’s their job to investigate and find proof (or lack of) and our job as mandatory reporters to report abuse of we suspect it.
My kids loved iCarly and I remember thinking she was the best actor of the bunch, the most likely to move beyond Nickelodeon. It’s so sad to know she was struggling with this. EDs are tough, an addiction. It takes life long commitment to stay healthy. Best of luck to her.
She was one of my favorite characters on iCarly. It’s surprising to hear that she’s been dealing with an eating disorder and that her mom played a role in it. The part about nobody looking out for her even though they might have known what she was going through because they were more concerned about her career is sad. Good thing she got help.
I read this on Saturday and have been waiting for it to be covered here. It is so scary how she described it, throwing up multiple times daily, being afraid to eat anything at events even as a kid, her mum counting her calories for her and telling her to lie to other concerned people. I hope she keeps getting better.
I feel so badly for her, I can’t imagine having a parent put that kind of pressure on a kid, what it would do to you. Glad her sister-in-law helped her, and that she got the treatment she needs. Best of luck to her as she continues to fight this.
Yes. Reading the part about the sister-in-law intervening really got me. At least one person in her family has her priorities straight. Sigh.
To be honest I think a LOT of women’s eating issues begin with their Mom, mine included, and I can totally see why she waited until her Mom died to talk about it. My Mom wasn’t as involved in calorie counting but she is a food policer, terrified of getting fat, and when I gained weight in puberty I was fat shamed by her at the doctor’s/made to feel like I needed to lose weight, all when my body was perfectly normal for my height and age.
So my teenage years were spent starving, bingeing, purging (often bingeing with friends, while some of us secretly purged). I shook myself out of it but I never was truly free, spent my thirties dieting, which is just another form of disordered eating lbh, and it is only now in the past couple of years that I have learned to truly love myself as is, stop counting calories and weighing myself, and embraced real body positivity and self acceptance whatever shape I am. I am SO much happier. I love that women are coming to learn there is a better way to live earlier in life now thanks to body positivity and the intuitive eating/HAES movement. 95% of all weight lost on diets is regained, and eating disorders mess with your metabolism big time.
We as a society need to stop expecting everyone to fit in the same sized box, some people are not meant to be thin, and the stress they put on their bodies trying to maintain a lower body weight is actually more harmful to their health in the long run than being a bit “overweight”. Also BMI is bullsh*t, it’s a fact, Google it, just something introduced in the 20th century, along with calorie counting, that we now take as gospel. This has been my TED Talk. 🙂
:applause:
This is so true. And if it’s not our parents, it’s fashion magazines, tv, advertising, instagram sponcon… it’s essentially everywhere.
I too grew up with all kinds of messed up feelings around food and eating. Mostly due to family influence – and food being withheld as punishment. Really, do not do this to your kids!
It has taken me years to even begin to deal with it. Yay for therapy.
Great posts all ’round. I find it really helps to hear others talk about this stuff. It can feel so shameful and isolating. Just knowing that there are other peeps out there with the same struggles and challenges helps a great deal on an emotional level. (And this stuff is all on the emotional level, really.)
<3 – be kind to yourself.
‘She also reveals how her mom coached her to count calories and to be preoccupied with food and her body.’
That describes my mom to a T
That’s so heartbreaking. I clicked the link thinking that her mom had helped her through it, hoping for some tips if I ever need to help my own children.
I just had a talk with my SEVEN year old daughter who told me this morning that she needed to diet. I hope I was able to help with that. I’ve learned my 13 yo barely eats lunch at school, although he eats everything I give him here at the house (he’s my only NOT picky kid). Seems like they pick up enough food issues without parents — who are supposed to educate and protect them — trying to instill food disorders. My mom never did, but my abusive stepdad is absolutely the reason I have a poor relationship with food. I’m trying really hard to give my own kids a healthy one.
When I was ten my father started telling me I was fat, constantly, and needed to lose weight. I guess that was the last time I was in a normal weight range for the next 3 years. When I was 11 I could count my ribs. My thinness and my intelligence were the only things people ever praised about me back then, and I felt I had to work to keep both. No one was concerned. Few people seemed to notice. Sometimes I spent the whole day not really eating and no one noticed.
That’s the big problem : when you’re sick, and you start losing weight, people only praise you. Even when you’re just a kid. That makes you think what you’re doing is right and you feel like you should keep doing it.
Yes, it’s not only the moms. It’s the dads too. My dad constantly made comments about my weight, particularly during the puberty years…the most vulnerable time.
I’ve since made peace with my dad about those years (sort of) and I’ve realized that his comments/put downs have much more to do with him than with me. But abuse (unintentional on his part, but it comes down to abuse to a pubescent girl) have life-long effects.
I’m 46 and still dealing with it. Bulimic behavior from ages 20-28.
Haven’t heard of her before this – dating myself I guess – but what an inspiring, courageous thing to do! Very impressed with her piece in HuffPo. Raw, honest and hopefully useful to others who are suffering or recovering from a similar experience
I’ve suffered from a terrible eating disorder for almost 20 years. Had completely wrecked my teeth to the point where dentists refused to book me after the initial exam because “you’re just going to wreck any work i do”. It’s a horrible disease that wreaks so much havoc on your insides, not just the standard “damage” we’ve come to think of. It’s genuinely one of the worst things in the world to deal with and i wish her the best in recovery.
Glad to hear she’s doing well. Was always a little uneasy about her because of the Dan Schneider vine.
More young women like her need to share their stories. My mother used to shame my older sister who was always a big, strong, rugged girl – not all of us are built like swans. For that reason and others (she had BPD, it runs in my family) she became alcoholic/anorexic/bulimic in her thirties and eventually died from it. Her death traumatizes me to this day…nobody should go through what my family went through watching her waste away and refusing all treatment.
She speaks very eloquently and without any form of self-pity. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and a good support system around her now that mom is gone. Wish her the best.
Anyone who has a loving and supporting mother is very lucky. Seems like not a lot of girls do.
Seriously. I think my lucky stars that my mom has NEVER done this to me in the past 40 plus years of my life.
Count yourself as EXTREMELY lucky.
I also feel so lucky that my mom has never commented on my body in negative ways. She just never talked about it and thought I was pretty in my thinner and heavier moments.
Growing up she said nothing but positive things about my appearance and was proud to tell people that I was strong and played sports.
This girl has such enormous talent and it saddens me that she’s had such a rough journey. On Between it was as if she were performing on an entirely different level from the rest of the cast. I would love to see her have a long and successful career – she has flawless comedic timing.