We’ve had an informal ban on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but we’re temporarily lifting it to mock the living daylights out of her. The ban will be back in effect tomorrow, I promise. So Heidi performed at the Miss Universe pageant last night. And by “performed” I mean she wiggled around onstage in what some not used to customary forms of movement might consider dance. Let me tell you, it was not. Heidi failed to pull off the awkward yet simple choreography.

At several points she was visibly out of sync with her backup dancers. Who all looked utterly terrified. Her tarantula hair wig flew through the air in an unnatural way that superbly highlighted why it’s not good to wear fake hair. And for some reason I am unable to get over Heidi’s shoes. They look so strange with her outfit. Maybe it’s that they’re black, chunky, and unsexy, and they just look bizarre paired next to a flesh-colored bodysuit. Or maybe it’s just that your eyes are naturally drawn there thanks to the terrible footwork.

Speaking of the flesh-colored bodysuit, it appears Montag was trying to mimic Britney Spears in that arena, but of course failed miserably. Just like every other aspect of her lip-synced performance.

Sorry Heidi, you’re no Britney Spears. Heidi Montag’s first “live” performance of her single, “Body Language,” on Sunday’s Miss Universe competition was nothing short of embarrassing and entertaining. Though the “Hills” star assured the show’s host Billy Bush on Twitter that her performance would “be as live as can be,” Montag took a page straight out of Spear’s lip-synching routines and delivered a sorry show.

According to TMZ, pageant staffers were concerned the reality star turned singer wouldn’t be able to deliver the show because she “can’t remember the lyrics” to her own song. The source added that Montag, who appeared to have used the same costumer who created Spears’ 2000 MTV Video Music Awards outfit, looked “like a train wreck” and “can’t dance.”

Despite endless hours of rehearsing in the dance studio, this is where the buxom blonde’s comparison with Spears ends. Montag’s lack of rhythm couldn’t even pull off the weak choreography in the performance, which thanks to NBC, was edited out to introduce the 15 finalists.

But at least she has her family to count on as fans! Montag’s sister-in-law, Stephanie Pratt, wrote on Twitter, “U embodied my hero Britney Spears… You are an unbeliveable performer!!! Wow!! U looked so hot too :)”

While it is unknown how many more performances Montag will force audiences to watch, she remains hopeful about her new foray into singing. “I think people don’t know what to expect, and how can they? It’s my first performance live and it’s in front of a billion eyes,” Montag told the Associated Press before performing. “So I’m very excited to show everyone what I’m coming with.”

[From the Daily News]

Um, I think we all knew what to expect, and Heidi delivered: complete crap. I won’t say that it’s half-assed because I genuinely believe Heidi gave it her all. Yep, that’s the best she can do. It’s actually more sad to watch someone delusional like Heidi really give it her all and think she did great, when it’s clearly the opposite. At some point you have talent or you don’t. There has to be at least something there to work with, or all the rehearsals in the world won’t matter.

I’m not even going to get into how annoying that sh*t song is. This girl has no taste and can’t do anything right. Who would listen to that stuff? Has she gotten any radio play… ever? Besides calling Ryan Seacrest’s morning show to give “exclusives”? Heidi is completely without allure. She’s not sexy. It’s hard to explain why because she’s got a great body, but you look at her and it’s hard not to feel revulsion.

I still think it’s really the shoes though. And the spider hair.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer attending a cocktail event in Hollywood on August 13th. Images thanks to WENN.com .